Chapter 25, My Heart Is Broken.
As though his outcry for Whis is the firmly woven pattern of threads, that is keeping his soul secured inside his body, it viciously snags from his lungs. It does that, his cry, to open a clean way for his soul to break free, in the wake of what just happened. Like one threaded stitch finely tearing the next stitch, his scream allows for his soul to painfully push through his cage of his ribcage for an escape. It's such offending pain to feel his soul escape from him that way, that he immediately stops his cry out.
He quickly learns, although, that bringing his outcry to end, doesn't do anything to return his soul back to him, more than it just creates an unbearably loud and absolute silence.
It's too quiet, he hears, it's just too quiet. It's uncomfortably quiet like the whole universe clearly heard how his soul painfully pushed to escape through his ribcage, that it is taking a desolate moment of silence especially, to sympathise with him. He hates the surrounding silence so much. He hates the way that it's loudly accentuating the universal sympathy, because it doesn't mean anything to him. No, sympathy will not get him his wife back, so he has no use for it. He does not want to keep hearing it.
'Whis...' he forces the emotional whisper out of his mouth.
'Goku,' he hears someone say. 'Whis is gone.'
He knows that, his heart painfully clenches in response.
If he didn't know and feel that, he wouldn't feel the his shredded soul bleeding its pain into his heart. If he didn't know and feel that, he wouldn't feel such strong hatred for the silence that had been. If he didn't know and feel that, he wouldn't have that feeling of so badly wanting to die, more than anything in the world, but knowing that he has to resist the urge to die, which is unbelievably one of the most unbearable pains that he has ever known.
He didn't say Whis' name to call out for him, or because he doesn't know what Whis' disappearance means. He said it as a way of getting rid of the sympathetic silence, which the whole universe had been giving to him.
'If Whis is gone,' a small sobbing voice says, 'who will bring Mommy back? I want my Mommy back.'
That's Goten. That broken voice, speaking those broken words, is Goten's. Acknowledging this, he wills himself with as much strength as he doesn't have, to look at Goten.
He can't begin to identify with Goten's feelings as a child, but that broken look on his face, and the tears shining in his eyes, are easily the more damaging of things that Goku could've seen in the aftermath. The random nature of Chi-Chi disappearing, clearly left all of them who matter, feeling degrees of helpless, and Goten is not excluded. He only wishes that he had room in his tightly-pressed-by-loss heart, to offer the little one some type of comfort, because he can't continue to see something so harmful. The problem is that, even for a minimal attempt, he doesn't believe that he can get himself to speak his son's name.
He opens his mouth to try, at least that, but all that comes out is congested air. Had it not been for Trunks coming forward then, and softly putting his hand on Goten's shoulder, Goku doesn't know what he would've done.
'It's okay, Goten,' Trunks uses a comforting voice. 'Your mom's just dead. We'll get the Dragon Balls and bring her back. Just you and me. We'll get my mom's radar, and then summon Shenron to bring your mom back.'
Wrong, Goku feels his heart clench again, doing it harder this time.
He shifts his eyes to look at Trunks, just to think that what Trunks is suggestion, is completely wrong, because there's an unmistakable difference between what happened to Chi-Chi, and death. It pains him to even consider the thought, it makes his throat feel like steel on each side, and his body lightly quiver disgust with too, but he would rather that she had died, than gone through what happened to her. Had it been death that took her from him, it would've been way better, because;
Death, Dende can deal with.
Death, Shenron can ignore.
Death, Porunga can remedy.
Death, even he'd only need a radar and ten minutes at most, to get around.
What happened to Chi-Chi, though, as gashing as it is to remember, is not something that Shenron, Dende, or anyone and anything from the Namekian planet, can help with.
'Don't give the boy false hope, Trunks,' Vegeta sternly says. 'His mother was destroyed. The Dragon Balls would be useless to bring her back.'
Usually, under normal circumstances, where it was anything else other than his wife destroyed, he would've lightly scolded for saying something so bluntly. Now, however, he strangely appreciates the blunt honesty in Vegeta's words. He doesn't want anyone thinking that he simply screamed Whis' name, because he felt helpless himself to do anything to bring his wife back.
'But she's my Mommy,' Goten cries out, making Goku look at him again. 'I want her back.'
'I know Goten,' Bulma sympathetically replies, coming from the one side to kneel at Goten's feet. 'There's always the Super Dragon Balls,' she suggests, touching the other shoulder that Trunks isn't. 'We can use those to bring your mommy back, okay?'
Goten apparently believes her, the way that he quickly asks, 'Really?'
Bulma nods, 'I promise.'
Vain promise, he painfully admits to himself.
He would've liked, oh so much, for that to have been true. The Super Dragon Balls, the reason that he gets his wife back, the reason that he stops feeling provoked to giving up his own life, just to stop feeling like this. The idea seems soothing, even to fantasise about, but the reality is that the Super Dragon Balls, cannot be used. Bulma just made a hollow promise to a boy who shouldn't be given hope to live on in that way, and this is why;
'Black,' he hollowly speaks the name.
For the way that's dying inside, he can't even make his immense hatred for that one, sound in the spoken name, except, it's singularly enough to produce stifling silence around him again, but only for a moment, as Vegeta is the one who breaks it.
'We can't use those either,' he tells them all. 'The Super Dragon Balls also need a year to reactivate after what Black did.'
Silence falls around them all over again, but oddly, he hears loudly, all the ways that he doesn't have available to bring Chi-Chi back. That is, until someone –he's not sure who- mentions something that opens a universe of hope for him.
'What about what Black used to travel? What about the time rings?'
The time rings themselves, he couldn't care less about, but where they are located, means everything to him at the moment. That is why he doesn't spare another second to search out Supreme Kai's energy, before disappearing from here, to there.
26Chapters
'Gok-' the small Supreme Kai starts upon seeing him, but Goku abruptly holds up his hand to stop him from apologising, or whatever else he may have in mind.
'Supreme Kai,' he dryly says, 'I need a favour.'
His delivery, just as it was, is perfect that way, because if he was here for an adventure, he would do something courteous and kind like greet the Kai, and then maybe laugh around for a little bit. He deems his speech delivery perfect, since he doesn't want to be mistaken for a man who has the time to drag out an adventure. He doesn't have that; not time, and definitely not a will for an adventure. In short, he doesn't have the time to be anything less than in an urgent hurry.
'Of course,' Supreme Kai solemnly nods, proving that he's aware of what's going on. 'It's a time ring, isn't it?'
No, not those he frowns without verbally expressing the refusal aloud. Why would he want those? At the time that it was suggested back on Earth, he immediately knew that it couldn't work to use the tie rings. Although he could use them to get a Chi-Chi to his current timeline, it will only mean that he would be going to the past, to steal a Chi-Chi from a version of himself. He would then be leaving himself without a wife, which would just as equally break his heart in that past, so he really has no use for the time rings.
'I need you to take me to Zeno,' he corrects the small god.
Visibly shocked, Supreme Kai asks, 'His Highness, Zeno?'
'I need to talk to him,' Goku confirms, mentally reasoning that if anyone can help him it's Zeno.
Supreme Kai firstly looks him up and down, and then only wonders, 'You want to see him dressed like that?'
'I don't care,' Goku shrugs to indicate that he means it, but Supreme Kai doesn't accept it like that.
'I'm sorry, Goku,' he shakes his head. 'I cannot take you to him looking like that. It's bad enough to show up without an invitation, but you looking like that, is unacceptable.'
Fine.
If he must, Supreme Kai being as fearfully cautious as he is, he can have that one thing, but nothing more. Goku has already tucked his feelings in a place where they don't distract him from finding a solution, he doesn't want to have to do something else that's uncomfortable too. This dressing up in proper clothing, is the last thing that he will do, nothing else.
'Then hurry up,' he gives Supreme Kai the permission to go ahead.
Taking the permission, Supreme Kai readily stretches out his hand towards Goku, and his usual orange and blue uniform appears on his body, right down to the usual boots on his feet. It instantly, physical comfort surrounds his entire body, for being in something familiar and beloved. He thought that Supreme Kai would dress him in something formal, not his uniform. He wouldn't have liked it the other way, he thinks, although, being in these clothes...
Chi-Chi has a collection of uniforms just like this one for him at home, and him wearing it now...
This is painful, he realises as his eyes roam around the uniform covering his body. It feels wonderfully comfortable for his body to be in something that it is used to, not that baseball uniform from before, but for his heart, it's unevenly painful, that he wishes to tear his uniform off. Seeing as Chi-Chi is no longer with him, he doesn't appreciate the reminder of how well she took care of his clothes, better than even he did himself.
'I guess we should be going then,' Supreme Kai says, interrupting his thoughts.
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When they suddenly appear on Zeno's planet, Grand Priest comes out to meet them, a polite smile on his face, appearing like he had been waiting for them to show up.
'Well, well,' Grand Priest calmly welcomes, 'if it isn't Son Goku and Universe 7's Supreme Kai.'
'Grand Priest,' Supreme Kai bows at the other short blue deity. 'It is an honour.'
'I'd like to see Zeno, please,' Goku gets right to the point, on his speaking turn.
Really, he doesn't want anyone thinking that he has time to spare, or that he can entertain some niceties and pleasantries. He wants it clear from the start, what he wants.
'Very well,' Grand Priest says to him. 'Follow me.'
Following that, Grand Priest begins to walk to the real entrance of the palace, and they silently follow behind him. Goku wishes that they could just transmit to Zeno, instead of walking there. He thought that he had made it clear that he doesn't want to beat around the bush... He doesn't think that these people understand that pain is an all consuming thing, which spares no mercy for anyone, matter who it is. He doesn't think that these gods here understand that pain doesn't conform to laws of everyday life, neither does it consider anything that is supposed to be courteous. If they understood that, Grand Priest would've already had them in Zeno's presence.
Once –eventually- they approach both of Zeno's high chairs, for the second time since someone mentioned the thing about the time ring, Goku feels a wave of hope curl around him. Having a visual of the two gods, makes him feel so much more positive about getting his wife back. Zeno, in a way that the other gods aren't, is his friend. And what he knows, is that friends always help out their friends, no matter what it takes. He never thought that he would get to a point of thinking like this in his life, because whenever he did something for his friends, it wasn't with the reasoning of them doing him a favour in return, or expecting the same from him.
And yet, here he is, thinking that Zeno would grant him a favour, simply because they are friends.
Even though he had just been thinking that they are friends, it didn't occur to him that both Zeno from the present and the future, would react excitedly for seeing him. So when they both leave their chairs to meet him before he reaches their chairs, exclaiming his name with childlike expectation, he feels himself come to an abrupt stop with his feet, as his face takes on a frown. In a time like this one, no one should be happy to see him. Zeno is excited to see him, asking if he came over to play with them, but he only shakes his head.
'Zeno,' he stops both of them from asking him any questions, possibly about him being here to play. 'I need your help. I need my wife back.'
Taken aback, either by his lack of lively energy, or his short manner of speaking, the two identical gods look at each with question on their faces, asking, 'Wife?'
They then look at Grand Priest with the same questioning expression. He is about to answer that yes, that is what he said, when they unanimously ask Grand Priest a question.
'Is Goku's wife here?'
'No,' Grand Priest shakes his head, but with slight amusement.
'She was destroyed,' he decides to tell them, so as not to waste any more time.
They are gods, they must already know that, but still, he just needs it to be clear. He may not be acting like it, because he has his feelings tucked in, but he desperately doesn't have the time to keep important information, for an opportune time.
'I need her back,' Goku emphasises for both Zenos to realise that he is not joking around.
'Goku,' it's Grand Priest who calmly starts, since the Zeno are only staring at him, as if they are unsure of where they fit into that line, 'don't you think that if His Highness Zeno was able to create, and recreate, he'd be living in the world of his choice, doing the things of his choice, and spending his time in the way of his choice?'
He's not serious!
Why in the hell put someone with only the power of destruction in charge of the council? Who had been doing the thinking at the time that it was decided that Zeno should be the leader of the council of Destruction gods, when he has no power to repair what he could possibly destroy?
Just what in the hell, right now?!
His heartbeat is actually rising in dangerous spikes, but he ignores that to explain the urgency of his situation.
'I just need my wife back, Grand Priest. Can you help me, then?'
Fine, whatever, neither Zeno has the power of restoration, which makes them even more useless than Supreme Kai, but Grand Priest is Whis' father, and Whis has powers that Lord Beerus doesn't have. However, at his question, Grand Priest simply laughs. It's nothing like Whis' laugh, not secretly hiding something, and somewhat saying that he could be persuaded, rather, Grand Priest's laugh is straightforwardly telling him that no, he will do no such a thing, despite the way his eyes close with the laugh, as though to say that it's one of mirth.
'Son Goku,' he says after briefly clearing the laugh from his throat, 'there is an order in place here. This order, it makes sure that humans like you, do not directly have access to the destruction gods of any universe, much less, His Highness Zeno. You are an exception, Son Goku, solely because you are Zeno's friend. However, do not for a moment think that I would bend over the rules in place, simply to accommodate you.'
Is he serious? What?
'You are surely not the first man in the universes to lose his wife,' Grand Priest tells him with no trace of shame. 'Men before you have gone through it, and they continued with their lives. What makes you so special, that you cannot live the rest of your life without your wife?'
This Grand Priest, Goku barely manages to breathe properly while thinking this, is a very honest and unreasoning man. He seems to believe in everything that he is saying, and it looks like he will not break from his decision. Goku resents that about him, he truly does, so much that he would rather turn his head away from the angel, but for Chi-Chi, he has to endure this rejection, and ask for a point in the right direction.
'If you can't help me, then who can?' he wants to know.
He doesn't care for Grand Priest's words about him not being special, that he can't live without Chi-Chi. Other men have probably never had the livelihood of the world on their shoulders, and thus, never depended on their wives' existences to feel motivated enough, to push through the barriers that kept them in defeat. Not only that, but without Chi-Chi, where in the universe would he be?
'In the Antechamber,' Grand Priest calmly tells him. 'The latest addition in there, but remember that if he cannot help you, do not return here. I will do absolutely nothing to help you.'
Goku, and this he swears on Chi-Chi's lost life, will remember those calm words of refusing rejection. He really will. For as long as his body is alive, he will remember those words from Grand Priest. They hit him too hard, for him not to remember them.
'If he can't help me,' he just as calmly says, staring Grand Priest down, 'then I'm not forgiving anyone. No one.'
'As you will,' Grand Priest shrugs, a nonchalant smile on his face, just before making a small gesture with his finger, and Goku feels himself being sucked into something.
26Chapters
When he stops feeling like he's being sucked into something, all of his senses come back to him, sight especially. His eyes are the first to realise his surroundings, and oddly, he feels a little relieved to view how different they are different from Zeno's place. If was ever told to, maybe in another world where he didn't have a life on Earth, he wouldn't refuse to live here. He can't explain how, but there's an ambience of comfort around, precisely like the ambience is meant for the broken ones.
Is this the Antechamber? He asks himself, while his eyes roam around the faded colours of blue, pink and white that blend into each other, where no one would be able to point where the one colour begins, and the previous ends. He is usually not one for details such as decor, but like he can't explain why he feels a small sense of comfort being here, he also can't explain what's drawing his eyes to take the details of his surroundings in.
The pink furniture arranged in a circle. The way this place doesn't seem to have a ceiling, when his eyes look up. The long table with snacks just behind the furniture. The-
'Welcome,' a soothingly smooth voice interrupts his looking around.
To find the owner of the voice, Goku rotates his head away from his view, until his eyes land on someone, the only other person, in the room with him.
'Hallo,' he greets, only because she looks pleasant, reminding him of Whis.
Again, he wouldn't usually care about the appearance of someone, except, there is something about her, that stands out.
He can't decide if it's her shortly cut hair (even shorter than Bulma), or the peculiar way more hair seems to fall on the one side, which gives the other side a shaven look, or how differently she is dressed from all the angels that he has seen, that is making him pay attention to her appearance. Or simply, if it's the blue ring of a halo, which is hovering over her head, not around her neck, or behind her head, like Grand Priest's, that's making him pay attention to her appearance. He only knows that from her deep blue gown of a robe, to the dark linings around both of her eyes, much like Supreme Kai, he's taking her appearance in. It's only that he doesn't have the time to file it away, one detail by one; instead, he'll just capture her as a whole for now.
'Who are you?' he wants to know after being awed by her appearance.
Immediately smiling at him, her white teeth showing, she politely bows her head, performs an endearing courtesy, opening her mouth to introduce herself only after she has rectified herself to an upright position.
'Grand Curator, at your service,' she softly tells him, gently clasping her hands just below her chest. 'I'm responsible for the Antechamber, and if my husband sent you, then you must be here for one of the indisposed angels.'
Husband?
He can't contain his surprise at the news. He can, of course, stop himself from blurting out his surprise, but within him, his shock rings all over his body. Grand Priest has a wife? And he doesn't want Goku to get his wife back? What does that make Grand Priest?
No wonder, though, Goku thinks, his eyes travelling to one of the two ribbon-like belts around somewhere above her waist. She has an insignia just like the one on Grand Priest's belt, only, instead of that star-like shape having the same five arms as Grand Priest's, her golden one, has six arms. It doesn't surprise him that this person, who clearly has some Whis in her, and is just a measurement taller than Grand Priest, is the wife to the Grand Priest.
'Who is it that you are looking for?' she asks him, when she sees that he didn't reply.
Bringing his eyes back to her face, he answers with a sombre, 'I don't know who it is. Grand Priest only said the latest addition can help me. I don't know who that is. Is that you?'
'No,' she smiles while shaking her head, 'but I will take you to him. If you would follow me, please.'
In the direction that he hadn't gotten the chance to look at, they walk, her in front of him, as she is leading the way. While he would like to look on the sides, to look around this strangely relieving ambience, he decides that keeping his focus is the best thing for him. He didn't come here to wonder about Grand Curator, or even explore this Antechamber of hers. What he came for, is someone, probably an angel, who can help him get his wife back, and that is all that he is going to be concentrating on from now on.
'It's very rarely that we get humans here,' she says in front of him. 'You are in fact the third that we have ever had. I imagine that you would like to recover your world, which was taken from you, is it not? That's always the case.'
How she's using the word 'world,' and to him, it's completely different to what she means, he feels the urge to explain just how that word is the exact way that he feels, only, her voice is so full of solace, that he doesn't bother correcting her. He only follows behind her in silence, while she continues to speak.
'My dear, listen to me...' she sounds like it hurts her to say whatever she is about to. 'I do not advice you to get your hopes up. I would very much like that you get what is rightfully yours, but that may not be the outcome. You have to know that.'
After that, she suddenly turns around to him, and their eyes make contact. In her eyes, he reads a sympathy that he has never seen on anyone in his life before. The odd thing is, however, that unlike that sympathy of silence that he didn't want from the universe, hers, he doesn't mind see. In fact, he feels rather pulled in, to receive it.
'You see,' she picks up her talking again, 'there are rules of protocol, and for my husband to send you here, is only to show you that rules are in place for a reason. You probably don't know this, but an indisposed angel is stripped of all their powers for a reason, when their god of destruction dies.'
So, he wonders, can this latest addition, angel or not, help him or not? That's all he cares to know. Not the history of angels, and their capabilities.
'You've seen the rings around their necks?' she asks, but doesn't seem to be expecting him to answer it. 'Those are a sign of servitude. However, they are also an indication that each living and talking being, no matter the rank, is capable of attachment. That's specifically the way of angels, but we are no different to other beings. Yes, we have the power of creation and destruction in our hands, but as well, we have the power of emotion. Even with angels, when attachments are broken, there's no telling what an impulsive action could do. That is why they lose their servitude symbols, and along with that, their more important powers.'
'So...' he looks at her, considering his words carefully, because he doesn't want the possibility of those words to crush him.
Her eyes remain on him, patiently that way, and something about that, makes his tucked away feelings, shake for freedom a little bit.
'This angel has no power?' he completes, immediately holding his breath to prepare for the answer.
'The ways of angels are not as straightforward as you would expect, ' is her first answer, before she moves on to answer his direct question. 'He doesn't have the sort of power that could help you, no. He could talk to you, perhaps for some closure, but more than that, I am afraid not.'
In his head, or maybe it's really in his heart, her answer, is exactly like a mountain made of tough steel, that just erected in front of him, blocking his way to the other side. Seeing that in his head, or maybe in his heart, he can't do anything to stop a long sigh of defeat from leaving him. Along with that long sigh, a strangled sob from his chest erupts, only, in a deathly silent away.
Aaah... The way that feels... He swears... He'll go crazy before he dies of it.
With her eyes full of concern, she questions for him to say something, because his silence doesn't speak well of him. 'Dear?'
What does she want to hear from him? What do those concerned eyes of hers, want to see within his, that she's prompting him to say something? Is it not enough that he's here, going from person to person, asking for help that he cannot get himself? What more does she want from him?
'What...?' he attempts to ask that of her, only, it comes out a broken squeal.
Does she want him to tear his clothes apart, plunge a hand through his chest, and show her his shredded heart? Is that what she wants to see? Does she want for him to spill the tears that he is keeping at the bottom of his gut, because he's too afraid that they won't stop if he allows them out? Just what does she want from him?
'What do you want to know, dear?' she sympathetically makes a prompt of her own.
Instead of giving her a verbal answer, Goku roughly reaches for one of her hands, and places it over his heart, trying to show her just what he can't endure. He keeps his hand firmly pressed over hers, so that she doesn't make it escape the picture that he's trying to show her; a life without knowing that his Chi-Chi is back at home. Praying for him. Waiting for him. And loving him that way.
'What am I going to do,' he whispers through a quivering voice, 'if he doesn't help me?'
Grand Curator looks at him, with the appearance of someone who has the ability to absorb emotions, and make them a part of her in a deep way, that they clearly express on her. He swears, he feels like he's looking at a mirror, and she is his reflection. Her sad eyes, the pain on her face, and just now, her lifting her free hand to gently touch the side of her face, is like she understands exactly, the pain within him, and his urgency to get his wife back.
'Well, what is there to do, dear?' she sadly asks him.
Beyond not forgiving anyone, he doesn't know. If he knew what he'd do, he wouldn't be asking her.
'I don't know,' he weakly answers, shifting his eyes to look down between them. 'You tell me.'
He's ready to cry. He wants to bring his free hand to hold onto the wrist of the hand that is on the side of his face too, but probably, that would be too much. Mostly, he just feels ready to let out all of his tears. If she gives him the permission to, he'll really just cry, because he doesn't know what else to do. It's not that he needs her permission to cry, but in this moment right here, she makes him feel listened to and understood like nobody did before her. So in a way, he feels that he needs only a little of her permission, to dump more of his brokenness on her.
'Look at me,' she urges through softly tapping the tips of her fingers on his cheek.
Slowly, he makes his eyes travel back to hers, and when his eyes meet hers, she gives him the saddest of smiles, to say, 'You cope, my dear. That's all there is to do, I suppose.'
Feeling choked by something that he can't see or touch, he barely handles to speak his sorrowful complaint, 'That's not fair.'
'No, it's not,' she quietly agrees. 'I'm sorry, my dear. I'll still send you over to my angel, but I truly am sorry for you.'
26Chapters
He isn't all that sure what he expected to be transported to, he only knows that he hadn't been expecting to find the one that he does, with his back turned at the window. If there had been clues from either Grand Priest, or Grand Curator that Whis would be the angel that he would be sent to, he completely missed to recognise them. Nonetheless, now that he's here, he doesn't care for anything other than talking to Whis. Nothing about the change from his usual attire, and nothing about the missing ring of servitude around his neck, interests Goku at all. He's feeling down to his last breath, and nothing else matters to him more than finding even a small way to get his wife back.
'I need her back,' he announces right away.
'I can't help you,' Whis replies, his voice nothing like it usually sounds. 'I'm sorry, Goku,'
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Whis is still facing the other way, but the quiet interest that's always been in Whis' voice, is gone, and so is the soothing kindness. All that his voice sounds like now, is a raspy shadow of the effects of a bad cough. It's something disheartening to hear Whis sound like that, when he's supposed to be the only hope Goku has.
'There must be something that you can do,' he imploringly begs Whis.
He's heard it before. Everyone before now, told him that Whis couldn't help him. Grand Curator even said that Whis' powers are not what they used to be, because Lord Beerus died, but he just can't not plead with the greatest angel that he has ever known. Whis is Whis, for the love of Chi-Chi, he can do anything. There has to, has to be something, no matter how small, that he can do. There just has to be.
Turning around to face him then, Whis asks, 'Do you want to know where I was?'
Goku only gives him a long look. He knows that he initially didn't care to be interested by anything else, except... Whis, his eyes... They look dull, somehow even paler than his complexion. He's not himself. He's almost unrecognisable without the patiently waiting expression on his face.
'Don't you want to know what I was doing?' Whis asks him another question.
Again, Goku only continues to look at Whis, wondering if all of the repressed feelings that he is keeping safe inside, are blinding him to see another picture than the one that is usually Whis, his teacher.
'Don't you want to know why I couldn't protect her?' Whis asks a third time.
That, particularly about protecting Chi-Chi, sharply stings his open heart like vinegar on a fresh cut. He can't get into that with Whis right now, not when he, Goku himself, couldn't protect Chi-Chi. The subject of protecting Chi-Chi, is as sensitive as it is volatile to him. He'd had his insecurities about the fact that Whis could ultimately protect Chi-Chi when he couldn't, but that wouldn't be relevant here anyway.
'I never gave you the responsibility of protecting her, Whis,' he partly snaps. 'I didn't ever expect you to protect her, so I don't care where you were. I just want you to do something about it.'
'I can't,' Whis sadly shakes his head. 'You killed Lord Beerus.'
That should sound like an accusation, Goku thinks, it really should, only, it doesn't. If anything, it just sounds like a fact that can't be proven false. Still, hearing Whis remind him of what he did, and piecing together how he's also contributed to the current difficulty of getting Chi-Chi back, makes him say his next words.
'I'm sorry about that.'
And he really is, because unlike with Black, when he'd hesitate for the sake of his morality, to kill someone, much more, kill someone with his own body, with Lord Beerus, it had been about doing what he'd done to Chi-Chi. At the time, Goku didn't want Lord Beerus to suffer, he just, from the depth of his soul, wanted him gone, like Chi-Chi was. He hadn't thought of the consequences of his actions afterwards. But now, he's sorry only because he doesn't have Chi-Chi.
'I'm partly to blame for that as well,' Whis apologetically tells him. 'Everything caught me by surprise, and I broke his core without meaning to. Had it not been for that, he would still be here, and I would've been able to turn back time for you.'
'There must be something that you can do, Whis,' Goku weakly repeats.
Damn it! He doesn't want to keep hearing the same thing over, and over. He wants to hear something positive, something else.
'Not unless you become the god of Destruction, which you won't,' Whis responds, shaking his head to help set that in.
Him?
Who he is?
A god of destruction for Chi-Chi's sake?
'Will she be with me?' is the first thing that he wants to know.
On that condition fulfilled, he will do it. He's already sure that he won't like the god business, but for Chi-Chi, he will become one. No questions asked, and no bleak atmosphere between them, and the concealed feelings that both of them are not expressing, is starting to get to him.
'No,' Whis clearly states. 'There are rules of conduct in place concerning these things. I'm sure that both my father and mother spoke of that to you. You wouldn't be here otherwise, if they didn't want to prove it to you.'
Ooh... There's his answer. And there's his last resort blending in with the air around them, that he can't tell it apart anymore. The silently torturous pain that it resurrects, though... From places that he didn't even know could hurt like that. Just the pain that it produces... He feels like he is turning extremely numb, unable to-
'I'm sorry about Chi-Chi, Goku,' Whis breaks through his thoughts about his feelings.
Aha, he mentally scoffs, wondering at the same time if his scoff of disbelief is showing on his face. Just what does he say to that?
Strangely, he can sense that Whis is just like him, concealing his true feelings, but no, he can't tell Whis that it's okay, because it's not okay. Also, the apology won't magically make his wife re-appear, so he can't thank Whis for the apology either.
'She was my first friend,' Whis says something else.
Whis mentioning that, Goku begins to realise that Whis didn't just lose Lord Beerus, he also lost his first ever friend, which Goku hadn't thought of that way.
'I'm sorry about Lord Beerus,' he gives another apology. 'I know that it was only an accident, but he still destroyed my Chi-Chi.'
Slowing nodding, Whis agrees with him, 'It was an accident. He wanted me to tell you that. He didn't mean to do it. He would've never done that to you, had it not been for my sister and Lord Champa showing up so suddenly.'
Lord Champa... His sister...
Of course!
Life immediately starts to flow through his numb body. He can't believe that he didn't think of it before. Lord Champa has a Whis of his own, and that other Whis, can undo the changes that happened. For someone who's only had the one track mind of getting his wife back, he can't believe himself for not considering Lord Champa and his female Whis.
'Your sister,' he speedily brings up, finding the strength to get closer to Whis. 'Can she help? She's just like you, isn't she?'
At first, Whis only raises his hand, makes as though he is cupping the air, and then produces a small purple ball, the colour of his eyes, in the palm of his hand. The point behind that, Goku couldn't be bothered to know, but there is one thing that he needs an answer to, and he needs that answer as they stand here.
'Whis,' he urgently prompts, which makes Whis return his attention.
'My father sent you here, didn't he?' Whis questions with a sigh, as if the subject suddenly changed.
Slightly irritated, Goku steps closer to Whis, asking, 'What about him?'
What does that one have to do with Vados? Please, please, please, Whis should not tell him something about Grand Priest not allowing the Universe 6 angel, to help out in matters of Universe 7. Please, just... Whis shouldn't say something like that. He should better keep quiet if that's the case.
'Vados is just like him,' Whis, suddenly looking saddened, begins to explain. 'I once told Chi-Chi this, but my sister is very blunt. She only does things that are in her own interest to do. As an active angel, she has a world of rights at her disposal, and she takes advantage of that. I suppose that is largely why it mostly annoys me to be in her presence.'
Ugh! Goku mentally complains.
For goodness sake, why does everyone feel the need to tell him about things that he has no interest in today? He doesn't have the time. This isn't an adventure where he needs to gather as much information and gold as possible. This is a time pressed desperate act, to get his wife back, and he just wants it over as soon as he can take the next breath.
'Can she turn back time, or not?' he bluntly poses to Whis. 'Can she get me Chi-Chi back?'
'She can do more than just rewind time,' sadly comes from Whis' mouth. 'However, she still needs the permission, direct or indirect, of Lord Champa. That's the nature of an angel's relationship with a god. Just know that she is very good at manipulating Lord Champa, so if it doesn't suit her to help you, she simply won't do it.'
'If she doesn't want to help me?' he wants to know.
Never mind that neither Grand Curator, or Grand Priest informed him of the option of Vados, he only wants to hear if he has the added options of the other angels too.
'You cannot be a god of Destruction, Goku,' Whis tells him, and then goes back to the dull ball in the palm of his hand.
That's nothing close to what Goku had been hoping to hear, but if Whis only mentioned that bit about the Destruction god as the alternative, then those rules that everyone has been telling him about, must run deeper than he can imagine. Vados, probably is available to help him, because she had a part in the mess, or maybe, only because she is Whis' sister, while Lord Champa is Lord Beerus' brother.
'I don't even want to be the Destruction god,' he refuses the offer, since without Chi-Chi, it's pointless to him.
Nodding, Whis whispers, 'I know,' and then there's just silence between them.
On his side, Goku feels like there's just nothing left to say to Whis. They've spoken to each other, and he doesn't blame Whis for what happened to Chi-Chi. However, like he told Grand Priest, if he doesn't get Chi-Chi back, he's not going to be doing any forgiving towards anyone. He'll instead used those feelings of hatred to grow stronger, way beyond any angel could reach, and then...
'Goku...' Whis softly calls for him, and Goku looks at him without answering. 'My heart is broken too,' Whis spiritlessly confesses, just as the ball in his palm dies out.
Oh, wow.
Goku hadn't realised, not really, but now, now he knows it. He's seen it, in fact, it's only that he has no response to that. He already said his apologies for what happened to Lord Beerus, so there's no other response to give. He turns around to leave instead.
'I have patience enough to wait a million years for a new god, if I have to,' Whis says to his back, making him falter in the step that he had been making to take. 'I don't mind the training time that I will have in the meantime either. But...' Whis audibly sighs, 'living with how I couldn't save my friend, and helped destroy my lord...'
They all have their burdens to bear, Goku silently sympathises with Whis. He's like it if he could say something to comfort the angel, because he knows exactly what it's like to feel like there's no hope, while stuck in the abyss of self-blame, but he has never been good at the consoling parts. Chi-Chi has always been the expert in such cases, not him. She would've known how to comfort her friend, he believes.
'How do I find Vados?' he finally settles on asking after dismissing any other idea of consoling his teacher.
'My mother will take you to her.'
'Thank you,' softly and automatically comes out of Goku's mouth just as he begins to take his first step away from Whis.
Chapter 26, Mystery Of You.