Sorry for the wait, lost motivation to write this yet again. Had it planned and just couldn't write it.
Made myself write this chapter a couple of nights ago and really like it!
Please review, it means a lot to me, so yeah...
Only have 3? more chapters planned to write at the moment so there might not be much more of this novel,
I know it means a lot to all you guys, so if ya'll want me to write a little something in Meredith's future at some point let me know!
Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.
Enjoy x
The ride to the station was silent and Meredith was surprised at the calm feeling she had. She expected for everything to become emotional and for her night with Lewis to be brought to the surface, but it never came.
As soon as they got there, they were met by Liv who was on her phone at first glance. She hung up when they approached and Meredith found herself trying to get a read on the situation.
Before she had a chance to work anything else, what she wanted to hear was spoken.
"He's gone into surgery. Doesn't look good. Fin's there now waiting. I didn't know if you'd want to go there or here."
Both Amanda and Nick were cut off by Meredith who stepped forward with a new found confidence. "I want to stay here. I don't like hospitals." She hummed and they all nodded understandingly.
They bustled inside at that, glad for the sudden warmth. It felt too warm for Meredith who quickly shed her jacket. She was surprised when she realised she had goose bumps, but didn't think much of it. Maybe it was just nerves.
She sat in a chair at Amanda's desk, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand as they waited and it seemed to drag on for an eternity. Eventually her drink was finished and she had nothing left to act as a distraction. Placing the cup behind her she gave a sigh and began tapping her foot.
The tapping of her foot quickly esculated into pacing and she could feel everyone's eyes following her as she moved. Eventually her anger and anxiety fizzled, and as she made her way back toward her chair, she struck out with her foot, kicking it over.
Slightly sheepish, Meredith retrieved the poor chair and sat back down. At that point she wished everyone would simply stop watching her and get back to work. More than anything though, she wanted this to be over, for good.
The trial of her first case had carried on without her. Barba had so very kindly told Amanda they could try prosecute him without Meredith as a witness and the teenager hadn't cared at that point. All the evidence was stacked against him and it seemed he had no chance.
She never asked about the verdict until the other day, and when Barba had straightened his suit, pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, a sick feeling had come across her. She was sure they'd lost, but they hadn't. It had been a miracle really, one she wasn't expecting. She didn't know how to feel, and she still wasn't sure how she was meant to feel about it. Right at this moment she didn't know how to explain her feelings and that was something she hated.
What she did next, surprised her even more and it was something she'd never expected herself to do. After staring into space for a while she stood again but instead of pacing the length of the bullpen she'd excused herself to the bathroom.
Checking she was alone, she locked herself in a stall and reached into the pocket of her jeans. Leaning against the door, she pulled out a small baggie of pain medicaton. The one's she hadn't really thought of taking, until this stupid little moment.
She popped the bag open and grabbed 3 out of the 5 that she had with her. Thinking that she heard someone at the main door, she swallowed them down before stuffing the bag back in her pocket and flushing the toilet.
Seeing herself in the mirror she groaned, before turning on the tap. She looked totally guilty and she definitely had to keep that in check in front of the others.
Finally exiting, she strode back across the room and looked at Liv as she sat down.
"Heard anything?"
Liv was just shaking her head in response when her phone rang out, loud in the near quiet space.
The phone call was quick and Meredith kept her eyes glued on the older detective as she spoke.
As soon as she'd hung up Meredith knew the verdict and stood as Liv told them the news.
"Died on the table, bled out. He's gone." She spoke shortly, as if it didn't matter, and it didn't, not anymore.
No one said anything. But Meredith stumbled forward into her mother's arms, who wrapped her up in a tight hug. Her mind was cloudy but amongst the haze, Meredih could pick one feeling. Freedom.
It gave her the hope that maybe she could move on. Then she remembered that mere minutes ago she'd thrown back several oxycodone pills and her eyes fluttered shut.
Maybe it wouldn't be as easy as she thought, but she felt calm, and free, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulder's.
Now she knew there was only one more thing she really needed to do, and that was talk to Jamie. About everything and she knew it wasn't going to be easy and that it had the possibility to ruin everything they had
She was ready to risk it, what more did she have to lose?
She couldn't think of much.
x
The next few days went by slowly and despite her thought of moving on, Meredith had continued to take her pills every once and a while, enjoying the fogginess of her mind when she took them.
It was like she was at sea, drowning in crashing waves. But they didn't hurt. They threw her and pulled her down, deeper but she felt nothing.
Life went on and all Meredith could do was drown. She didn't fight it, she just stopped swimming. Jamie had started calling her again. She hadn't found it in herself to ring him back or answer the phone yet, she simply stayed in her room at Nick's and stared at the ceiling, the waves crashing over her.
Maybe dying was the best thing for her, maybe then everything would be over and done. That's what she wanted and as the days dragged on and her mind filled with cloudy, drug induced thoughts she began to come to terms with what she really wanted, what she needed.
She needed her father. She needed to speak her mind, her thoughts, everything. Nothing could bring him back however and she knew that even dying herself, would guarantee she'd see him.
It was a gamble. One she was scared she might try and take.
Another day later, she finally picked up when Jamie called her and she sensed the surprise in his voice when he did. She didn't know what to say so she stayed silent.
"Meredith?" He finally whispered and she nodded to herself,
"It's okay Jamie, okay just… I'm okay, we're okay. Tell me that." She hummed into the phone eventually when she figured he was about to hang up the phone.
"We're okay. I need to see you. I need to." He told her and she gave a sigh, rolling onto her side and closing her eyes.
"There's a park near Nick's house. I'll meet you there at 2pm." She muttered before giving him directions. He agreed and after they'd said their goodbyes and ended the call she remembered that Jamie was meant to have school.
He was obviously desperate to see her however, and Meredith wasn't going to dissapoint the boy. She owed him it and with that thought in her head, she slowly dragged herself to the bathroom and into the shower.
When she was done, she wrapped a towel around her marred body and returned to her bedroom. She didn't have everything, but she had a lot of her stuff at Nick's. The idea of Amanda and her moving back to their own apartment still had not been mentioned.
Meredith knew them staying here could easily turn into a permenant thing and she almost figured she wanted that. She let her mind dwel on that as she pulled out a pair of sweat pants and hoodie. At this point she didn't want Jamie seeing any scars or marks that had been inflicted upon her. That was too much, for both of them.
She dabbed a bit of make up on her face before lacing her Nike's and grabbing her phone. It was nearing 1.30pm and she sensed the fresh air would do her good.
Amanda had popped into work for something and Meredith had been left alone at the apartment for the day and while it was incredibly lonely, it made it awfully easily to leave.
Arriving early at the park she moved to the swings where she sat waiting. Nerves didn't come up at any point and she felt calm and as it ticked over to 2pm she found herself watching the entry without so much of a blink.
It was a little after 2pm when she caught sight of Jamie, and the smile that came across her face quickly dissapeared when she noticed someone next to him.
From the distance she was at she couldn't tell who it was, but as they neared Meredith gave a groan and stood, turning to hurry off in the opposite direction.
She'd started leaving when the other voice called out to her, stopping her in her tracks.
"Meredith wait, please." It was all they said and before she turned to face them, she shut her eyes tightly, willing it to simply be a dream.
Nothing was worth it anymore.
She stopped swimming and let the waves take over,
Meredith knew how to swim. She was a fighter, but this time things had changed. Swimming against the current just didn't seem worth it.
And with that she began to travel with it, sinking deeper and deeper and deeper.
Again I really like this chapter and it would mean a lot to me if you guys left a review!
Also I have no idea who's walking into the park with Jamie hahah, so any ideas let me know! Well I have a little idea, but anyway...
Leave any other requests you have in a review if you want (;
Thanks for your ongoing support,
Liv x