Shattered Glass
Sam's P.O.V
Samantha how many times have I told you not to go near the stove?
But I'm hungry momma!
I don't care if your starving!
She hit me hard across my face which stung bad her eyes were changing from a soft auburn to a red she was pissed.
Now go upstairs to your room Sam look what you made me do!
She was screaming as she grabbed me shaking me I was so scared
Go upstairs now you stupid child!
She was towering over me her voice so shrill our cat shrieked I was trembling but as hard as I was shaking I pushed myself upstairs running over the old decaying steps which creaked and groaned.
I could hear her destroying things throwing pots and pans smashing bottles as she was done drinking them. She tore through the house screaming and throwing things. She found what ever she was looking for which must have been her cell.
I barricaded myself in my closet as I heard her banging but my dresser against my door kept her out which just made her madder.
Damn it Samantha let me in!
I curled up inside the old closet pushing my body way back the dust from old unused clothes made me sneeze as I wrapped my arms around my legs her words burning my ears as I rocked myself. Praying someone would help me through this storm.
I thought she would beat it down she was banging so hard.
I'm sorry baby I shouldn't of hit you mommy loves you baby but you didn't listen you made me so mad if you did what I told you mommy wouldn't get so mad!
Mommy has to go out baby be good don't make me mad Samantha I can't control what happens ..
She slammed the front door on the way out I sighed staying in position for a long time. I felt cold and sick to my stomach. Carly was always telling me that it meant I was hungry and I needed food.
Carly was always so smart about things like this the pain in my stomach got worse and worse I tried watching TV but every station had some food reference on it. I tried music but nothing soothed the ache .
I needed food ..mom wasn't back and I felt dizzy Carly warned me I would faint if I got to hungry . She told me to call her and come over but it was late and I hated walking it was too much exercise, it wasn't fair to make Spencer come out.
There was nothing in the fridge so I had no choice I grabbed a pan and some meat .
The smoke was everywhere I was chocking and gasping some nice man in bright yellow clothes who looked like a walking banana pulled me out .
I was laying in a hard bed that went up and down Mom and Spencer were shouting at each other in the hall. Carly was holding my hand crying .
You made me look unfit Sam!
What have I told you about making me look bad!
If only you had a brain Sam! Damn it!
The fists came at me in a rage of fury I stumbled over my EZ2 bake oven that Carly had bought me just because she felt like buying me something. It cracked I clogged up I loved that oven it was the only present I had ever gotten. The fact that Carly bought it for me was a bonus she made me happy knowing someone cared enough to do that.
Mom saw me getting worked up ..
Are you crying Samantha? What have I told you about crying?
Smack ..I fell hard she took a bat and swung I closed my eyes as I heard it crack across my baking set.
Sam it's your fault that your mom hurts you isn't it?
I was pissed why was she doing this to me? Why was she making me remember all these crappy memories?
It wasn't my fault she was a bitch I was 8 how was I suppose to know how to cook meat?
Sam only bad kids get hit right good children don't get the crap beating out of them right?
I stared in Mrs. Cosgrove's eyes I knew her tricks I wasn't falling for it. I would not lose control.
You know if you don't talk about this it's just going to get worse and worse as you get older it will eat you up inside you'll be angry and fly off the handle and it won't be at just someone like Freddie maybe Carly maybe another innocent person a child...you won't be able to keep a job cause you'll be fighting and losing control so you'll find a way to deal drinking, drugs, it will eat you up..
Statics show that 30% of abused and neglected childrenwill later abuse their own children,continuing the horrible cycle of abuse , About 80% of 21 year old's that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder Abused teens are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs is this what you want Sam? Is this the life you want to live? Cause if you keep down this road you will..Imagine this Sam your two year old daughter coming to you looking all sweet with her blond ringlets fallen over her shoulders those crystal blue eyes she reaches up to you her pudgy little hands her little feet are moving so fast you can't keep up your tired and your hurting from a long day you just want to relax but she won't let up and you...
Flashes in my mind race across like colors that dance on fragments of shattered glass.
I'm tying to control my breathing I'm getting angrier by the second my neck hurts from staring at her my eyes burned my hands were aching and tight.
My mind refused to let go this memory I was two.
I was racing through the house yelling for mom my little legs were burning from running so hard . My stomach hurt ..
Momma I have to pee where are you!
Mommy where are you? I'm ready to go like a big girl!
The house was dark but I heard noises so I climbed the steps breathing heavy as I got to the top. I looked around I was bursting to pee. Where was Mommy? She would be so proud I was ready for the big girl's toilet now.
Mom?
I stopped short the bathroom was dark and filled with some kind of smelly vapor ..there were a lot of people there my eyes adjusted to the darkness as I finally saw Mommy she was laying on the ground not dressed some old dude was on top of her making her sweaty making her make all these strange sounds needles lay scattered on the ground ..pills were thrown around some lady was on the counter with something in her mouth which was making the smelly stuff fly she looked half dead.
Another women was against the wall naked some guy was kneeling on the toilet his pants down as he was pressing himself into the lady she was making the same sounds mommy was he had red marks along his arms. I couldn't get to the toilet my legs were shaking my stomach hurt . I could feel the pressure making my belly hurt it felt like it was in a pool. I crossed my legs looking around ..why wasn't mom answering?
Mommy I need help tell that old dude to get off the toilet
Mommy I have to go really bad !
Mommy!
I went over to shake her the dude on her grunted as he made her scream why was she screaming? I had to stop him from hurting her..he pushed me hard I fell as he spat at me.
Momma's busy stupid kid go away
I started to cry ..
Aw look what you made this cutie do Mark don't be mean she's only a wittle bitty baby aren't you darlin'?
I backed up against the tub this dude was huge he had to be 200 lbs he was hairy and had a long bread he was sweating red faced he smelled funny his eyes looked glassy.
His arm had marks all up and down ..
Mommy help me Mommy!
Oh no need to cry for momma baby girl I will help you sweetie
His palm stroked my face I shivered his breath was hot against my face as I tried to push him off he just laughed.
Come on baby girl Uncle Earl will show you love
Don't worry about momma she may be too busy but I have all the time in the world for you
He picked me up and laid me on the floor I tried to stop him but I was only two...he pulled my pull ups down. I tried kicking him but my legs were too little I tried biting him but I was two I barely had any teeth, I was crying harder now as he ran his hands down my body till he came to my lower half.
Were going to play a little game Samantha momma's getting some much needed therapy so I'm going to help you with your problems will have our own therapy session it's just between us though you have to keep this a secret don't make any noise mommy will be mad and you don't want her mad do ya darlin'?
I was confused she was calm now giggling she looked relaxed as the strange old dude was giving her some kind of powder stuff she was sniffing it.. she wasn't hitting me or screaming I liked her this way.
I looked at him he seemed nice he was stroking my hair and saying sweet things to me I could trust him right?
I shock my head
Smart little girl momma won't mind if we play together now do uncle earl a favor and spread those chubby little legs as far apart as you can this will help you in your training...
I did as he told me to he smiled at me staring in my eyes ..
Remember no crying or screaming keep momma quiet
He slide his finger inside of me it hurt a lot but I stayed quiet I bit my lip so I wouldn't lose this game. My chest hurt a lot I closed my fist he pushed inside of me harder. I wasn't having fun aren't you suppose to have fun when you play?
It hurt it burned I held my breath inside he pushed down on me the pain was worse ..I had never had this kind of pain before even when mommy hurt me it was never this bad.
He put two fingers inside of me looking at me so I wouldn't make any noise I stayed quiet closing my eyes trying to think of anything to get through this. He pushed 3 inside then 4 my whole body was on fire everything hurt I could feel my lower half being torn , I held my breath as it became harder and harder not to scream he slide 5 inside and started to pull out and shove in harder and faster. The pain was never ending.
Doing great baby girl doing so proud that's my sweet baby girl ..
He kissed my lips and I wanted to throw up , I could feel my bladder pounding I tried desperately to hold it in but then he pushed his whole fist inside of me I groaned and it all came out. I sniffled..
Bad girl Samantha you lost that round but you can redeem yourself don't cry love Uncle Earl will help you wipe away those tears now you have to be punished so you can always remember to be a good girl.
I didn't cry..I..n..o..scream..
Good girl you get points for that
He took my hand and put it inside his pants
For that I will introduce you to Earl Jr..he's lonely he wants to make friends..
You can be his friend just stroke him..
Stroke?
Yea like you pet a kitty
You know what that means right baby?
I nodded Jr felt slimy he was bigger then my little hand was use to he was throbbing as I ran my hands up and down like he showed me to. I didn't like this game but I was afraid I shouldn't be though right he said he was my uncle even though I had never meant him maybe he was away like my daddy was and just came home.
He seemed to like what I was doing cause he was making all kinds of noises now he pushed my hand down into it harder. Jr got harder and bigger then there was a burst of wetness all over my hand.
Good girl Samantha you stayed quiet just like I taught you
But you still need to be taught that lesson..
No please I be good I swear
I know you will Samantha
He groaned over and over
Cause I will teach you
Don't stop Samantha
Keep Stroking the kitty
He kept groaning why the hell was he making the same noises momma was making?
Wetness again gross
Just be a good girl and you won't get hurt don't speak don't scream
Just think next time you want to be bad or not listen you'll have to be punished
You made me mad Samantha You made me punish you Don't make people mad and you won't be punished
I was clutching the couch as these memories overpowered me my whole body was tense and stiff hurting my head was dizzy.
I started feeling sick everything was spinning it couldn't be could it? Did this really happen to me? There was silence in the room it felt like a elephant was sitting on my chest her eyes were on me. I could feel them I swallowed putting my head between my legs she didn't say anything as she handed me a tissue but I refused the tears.
Taking a deep breath and keeping up that pattern I told myself to be strong I couldn't lose control.
Finally once my body was settled I looked up to see her sitting in front of me her butt on her feet she was in my face I avoided her eyes as she took my hands.
Sam it's okay to tell me whatever it is that's eating you up..
No she wasn't going to win ..no one was ever going to win against me again .
Leaning back I crossed my arms and legs staring her dead in the eyes my whole body was cooling off as I slowed my breathing.
No one was going to take this away from me again. I was an expert at this game it was all about how you played the game and Momma played to win.
Time's up loser see ya never
I jumped up she looked startled
The mime does speak
I grinned
Maybe
Maybe not when I wanna sure
She followed me out my mind was still reeling. I couldn't see the ending just the start of it the middle it was all fragmented in my head like shattered glass. I couldn't put it back to together to see the whole imagine just his laughter his smell my fear...his face haunted me made me sick I heard my whimpers of me begging him to stop...
Your gonna see me, in your dreams tonight
My face is gonna haunt you all the time
When you broke me apart, like shattered glass
Glass, glass, glass