It's odd to think about. God, everything I thought I knew was so clear. I thought I was straight. I thought that Michael was my best friend. I thought that I was a good person. I definitely thought my mother would never hit me. Now I don't know about anything.
Am I straight? Maybe. How do you know for sure? I mean it should be obvious, you just like the opposite gender. But I don't, I have feelings for Michael. Are they the same? No they're almost alien in comparison, but I can't deny how good the feelings are. So where does that leave me?
Is Michael my best friend? No, yes, maybe. That one I have no clue about. We're something else entirely now. We can never be just friends again, I'll never be able to look at Michael the same way again. We're something, I just don't know what we are.
Am I a good person? Well that's a hard one to answer. Is anyone a good person? Everyone has faults. I didn't ask for these feelings, they just arose out of nowhere. I was blindsided but now there's no way to deny that they're there. So does that leave me as a good person? In God's eyes? Maybe, I don't know. I'm not sure where I stand there anymore.
I never expected that reaction from my mother. I never thought she'd hit me, and she didn't even give me a chance to explain. Granted she was right in her suspicions but does that make it okay? Yes, I should be punished, right? I had premarital sex which is a no, no. I never thought I'd do that, especially with a guy. Thank god she didn't know that or…I don't even want to think about that.
The thoughts swirl in my head until I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of the house. The problem is my mom has me on lockdown since last night. She didn't even let me go to school today. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'd sex up every girl in school now.
I pace my room back and forth trying to figure something out. Apologize is a must but what else? What else can I do to appease her? Because I can't handle her looking at me like she does now. She doesn't look at me like her son right now, she looks at me like…filth. It was one of her big things, and I had to break that rule. How stupid am I?
As I pace the floor I hear something. A clang against the window. I run to it and find someone down on my lawn throwing rocks at me. Well three someone's, one throwing rocks and two in Shanna's bug parked in the street.
Shanna waves at me before chucking a bigger rock at my window. I flinch as it hits the window, afraid it will shatter the glass. When I'm safe I open the window and lean out.
"What the hell are you doing out there?" I ask in a loud whisper. If my parents knew…well if my mom knew they were out here, I'd be afraid she'd smack one of them.
"Jail breaking you." Ailyn calls from the car. I cringe at how loud she is, I'm afraid for their safety at this point not mine.
"Come down here!" Shanna yells. Fuck it, I finally agree. I've already been smacked around and locked in my room. What's the worst that could happen? I get smacked again? I do a somewhat graceful escape out my window off out rain gutter. By graceful escape I mean holding on for a second then landing somewhere in the bushes. "Ow," is all I can moan as I realize why these were here. They have thorns on them. I wouldn't put it past my mom to have put them here so I wouldn't escape.
"Blake!" Shanna screeches. No doubt alerting the neighborhood of my break out. I moan, partly to the pain but mostly at how loud she has to be. I love Shanna but sometimes…She's not the person I'd call for a prison break let's leave it at that.
She pulls me out of the bushes and brushes some of the thorns off my jacket. "What are you doing here?" I ask, finally wondering how they even knew I was on lockdown.
"Your dad called me and told me you needed an escape." She says finally looking up at me. Her reaction is instant, the moment she lays eyes on my face. "Holy shit," she touches it like a concerned parent. I wince as she examines my bruised face.
"Can we go before someone sees us?" I ask, biting my cheek to keep from screaming as she keeps touching my bruised face.
"What happened to you? Did the fall do that?" She asks looking over me like I might just break apart. I finally just grab Shanna's arm and pull her toward the car.
"I'll explain later, right now let's go."
"Jesus, what happened?" Ailyn asks as we finally pull away from my house. Her reaction is the same as Shanna's, concerned over the purple marks on my face.
"I slipped and hit my head." I lie. I can't tell them the truth. That my mother slapped me. It's horrible to think about, and to be honest I don't think it's much of their business, even if it is with good intentions. Also if I were to say that, there would more questions on why she did it and I can't think of anything to answer that one.
"What did you do crack your head on the sink?" She pokes at my cheek, like she doesn't realize it'll hurt me.
"How about we stop poking me. Where are we going?" I ask Charlie, the only one not fussing over me and my bruise.
"It's a surprise." He says with a grin.
"A surprise?" I ask with a laugh. I can't imagine where they would take me and not be able to tell me about it. "Why?"
"Stop asking. We're not going far." Ailyn answers with her own little grin. As she says it I see where we're going. The old youth center, where just a day ago Michael was sucking my dick. Aw fuck.
"Why are we here?" I ask but none of them answer. Instead they all head out to the side of the building leaving me in the car. "Hello?" I call after them but they just hurry along off to around the building. "Wait up!" I call running after them.
As I reach the side of the building I see Shanna round another corner. "Hurry up slow poke!" she shouts back at me. I'm about to sprint but suddenly something jumps me. We crash to the ground.
"Fuck!" I moan as my eye hits the ground, causing a new series of pain in my face.
"Jesus, sorry." That familiar voice suddenly makes a smile go across my face. I spin and see him sitting on top of me. "Oh my god," His face suddenly drops as he sees mine. He gingerly touches my face, just on my bruise. I try my best to hide that pain. His face though doesn't hide anything, he looks horrified at my injury.
"What happened to you?" He asks caressing my cheek. It makes me smile somewhat, how much he seems to care but I can't tell him the truth. He'd think it's his fault, and I don't think I can stand the thought of that.
"I just fell in the shower." I lie, Michael seems to study me. Check if I'm hurt anywhere else but I pull him down for a kiss, carefully so he won't hurt my bruise. He struggles at first but he seems to get lost in the kiss, I do too. For a while I forget where we are or what is happening. Just how much I love Michael's lips.
"We seem to be in this position a lot." I mention considering how many times we seemed to have ended here in the past. He laughs and a dirty grin spreads across his face.
"Maybe it's because I like you best when you're on your back." I laugh but suddenly it feels dry. Thoughts of last night and where it landed me resurface. I don't show it but inside I'm really considering just pushing Michael off me.
"Do you now?" I ask with a chuckle. "Prove it." He leans down for another kiss, longer though because I lance my fingers through his hair to hold his lips there. I soak in the ecstasy the kiss leaves me with and now have a refueled happiness.
"Come on lets go before they notice." Michael does the smart thing. I groan, I don't want to stop the kisses. They distract me from the events of yesterday. I let him pull me up though. When I get up I pull him in for one more embrace, to soak any happiness I can. It'll probably be the last time I can do this today.
"What are you even doing here?" I ask as we walk toward the back of the building. By now they must have noticed us hanging behind.
"Ailyn just called me and asked me to come over. Said you needed another pep up or something." Michael answers. We walk a little separately. I resist the urge to hold his hand. I don't want anyone to know about us. Not until I completely understand what we are.
"There seems to be a pattern. Do I look like a charity case to you all?" I ask thinking of the last pep up only a few weeks ago. The one just after I kissed Michael for the first time.
Thinking about the past is weird. A part of me is conflicted about what to feel about it. Happy that I'm Michael? Sad that I'm with Michael? Ashamed that I'm with Michael? All of those I do feel, but the bliss and ease I also get from being with him block out those thoughts, most of the time.
"Yep, you're our charity case." Michael says with a grin. He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a flask. "Want some?" he offers. The offer makes me mad, inside I hate how Michael is drinking right now. Is my company not enough? He needs to be drinking to be happy now too? Or am I just hormonal right now? With all these feelings I'm totally just overreacting to the simple offering.
"Sure," I take a long sip. The alcohol burns my throat just a little bit, but as it hits my head I remember why Michael would do this. "Any idea what they got planned in there?" I ask resisting the urge to take another sip.
"I know others are in there. I heard someone got their hands on a keg." Michael says.
"Why are we here anyway?" I ask looking at the rundown youth center. As we reach the back I find the old playground we used to play on. Happy memories of simpler times come back and I find myself grinning. When did it get so different? So fucked up?
"You don't like it here?" Michael asks with a dirty grin. I laugh remembering what we did just yesterday in my car.
"I love it here. Isn't this place closed though?" I ask looking at how rundown this place seems to have gotten. Michael just shrugs in answer as we reach a back door. I hold it open for him. His grin makes my heart flutter. I take a breath to regain some composure before following him.
"Hello?" I call through the empty halls. All the lights seem to have gone out, leaving this place a lot darker and creepier than I remember. I feel Michael's hand reach out to mine, making this place seem less creepy.
"Jesus, what was that?" Michael jumps a little toward me. Instinctively I wrap a protective hand around him. I peer into the dark and see the outline of a cat.
"It's a big scary cat." I say with a laugh.
"Shut up. It looked like a ghost." Michael argues with a hit against my chest.
"Don't worry, I'll protect you from the scary kitty." I pull us forward, toward the gym. Well more of a playroom filled with mats that reminded me of the blocks I used play with in preschool.
"Shut up." Michael hits me again but just giggles. I see him pinch himself again, as though this might actually be a dream. I wonder how long he has dreamed about this.
The gym seems to be more lit but not much. Instead of pitch black it's lit by candles and some flashlights. As we get into the gym I see the room is a little more populated. Shanna, Ailyn and Charlie seemed to have made their way in here, along with others. Abraham settled across the room along with Nellie and some I recognize from glee club for looking like Justin Bieber. I catch Ali, Lily, who I still haven't talked to since the whole movie thing, and Maxfield along with others hanging around the center of the gym.
"What are you guys doing?" I've made sure to take my arm back from Michael before anyone could see us.
"Come sit." Ailyn calls us over. I fall in place in between her and Shanna. Michael takes a seat across from me. I want to sit by him, maybe try to hold his hand but there are just too many eyes on us.
"Here," Charlie chucks a beer at me. I take a big sip and soak in the buzz it gives me as someone turns the music on.
"You like being a wall flower?" I ask pulling up to Michael and Nellie. I've watched them sitting against the wall for a while now, talking soft and looking very serious for most of it. As I sit though Nellie takes it as a queue to leave. "What'd I do?"
"Nothing," Michael leans in for a kiss but I pull away. I can feel everyone's eyes. I can't do that with Michael. Not in front of everyone. Michael looks hurt though by my pulling away. "Do I have bad breath or something?" he asks with a laugh but I can see some hurt on his face.
I just stare at the ground. Was Michael reading into this? We just decided to do this a few days ago, and even then I'm still not sure what we are to each other. Maybe Michael has a better idea though, he doesn't seem to notice if anyone else might notice us kissing.
"I um…not in front of anybody okay?" I ask feeling a pit in my stomach. The thought of everyone seeing us is…terrifying. What would they think of me? What would they think of us? They would judge me before I even knew what I am myself.
Michael looks as though I've punched him. A small frown and a scrunch in his eyebrows are quickly replaced with a small grin. Michael can try to hide it but I know he wants more. He doesn't really care does he? But does he not understand that I do care if everybody knows? I don't want anybody to know.
"Yeah sure." Michael agrees before taking a long gulp on that flask of his. I eye it wondering how much he's already had.
We're distracted though by a huge applause coming from the middle of the room. I turn and see Shanna and Maxfield making out in the center of the room next to the keg. Didn't see that coming.
I turn back to Michael but when I do he's not there. I look up and see the back door shut. I blindly follow after Michael as he heads through the building. "Michael!" I call after him but he just storms forward like he didn't even hear me. For a while in the dark I think I've lost him, until I find him standing outside a big window pane looking into the daycare room.
"What the hell are you doing?" I ask trying to catch my breath from running after him like that. He just stares into the window like there's something actually in there. I look inside too. I remember it from when I was little, I used to come here every day before I started preschool.
"What are you looking at?" I ask trying to see if something might catch my eye.
"Do you remember coming here?" Michael asks.
"To the playroom? Yeah when I was like three." I answer trying to see what he means.
"You know I used to come here to when I was little?" He asks. No, I didn't. I didn't actually meet Michael until school started in kindergarten. I don't remember him from before.
"Really?" I ask trying to see if maybe I could pull his face out from an old memory.
"Right over there is where I first saw you." He points to a back corner of the room, by an old finger-painting stand. "You had just stopped crying because your mom left you here. I remember thinking you were such a cry baby back then." I cringe reliving the experience of all the kids laughing at me. "Then I saw you again and again at school. You got bigger so I couldn't really call you a crybaby anymore. When kids found out about my mom…they were assholes. But you…I'll never forget how you just wailed on that Rick kid." I laugh remembering how good it felt to stand up for Michael. Though now that he called me a crybaby I'm sort of regretting it.
"Fun times." I say thinking through how I met Michael. Apparently he knew me before though. "What's your point?"
"That's when I knew. That's when I knew that I loved you." Michael says plainly.
"When you were five years old?" I ask trying to think of how Michael acted back then. No particular gay themes come to mind but maybe I was ignorant to how much I liked Michael to notice.
"Well not love, love, but I loved that you stood up for me. I knew I wanted to be your friend after that, and that you were definitely not a crybaby after that." Michael says with a laugh.
"What's your point?" I ask.
"I remember when I did fall in love with you though. When we were about nine, during open house at school. When I didn't come you came all the way to my house to see what was going on. My dad was out on business or something and my mom was…you brought me to your house for the night and just let me stay there. You said I could stay there as long as I needed. And that's when I knew, I knew that I loved you, I knew that I needed you, and I knew that I would never be able to get over you." Michael wipes a tear that seems to have formed in his eyes. I struggle to hold back a few tears of my own.
"I…I don't know what to say." I say lamely.
"I do. I know what I want from you, I want you. Not as a friend but as…something more. I always have and I always will." Michael says finally looking at me. I try to control my breaths, keep breathing and maybe I won't cry like a baby. "I want you. I don't care what anybody else thinks I want you. What do you want?"
Instead of crying I just stand there, with my mouth hanging open. Trying to muster up the courage to say something. Anything.