Disclaimer: I don't own.
Author's Note: First of all, thank you so much for the reviews! I was really excited by the response to the last chapter. I've enabled anonymous reviews, so if anyone without an account, if you want to leave a comment, feel free! Okay...Now, I know that not everything is settled in this chapter. But that's what the epilogue is for. So stay tuned! I think you'll like (well, I hope you do) how it comes out. Happy reading!
Warning: Language, slight violence.
Clichés and Things They Say
Chapter 25 – Third Time's the Charm
Part of Hyde, the little boy bound and determined to be protected from rejection, hoped Jackie had fallen asleep. He'd watch her sleep, work up his nerve, and maybe when she woke, he'd have found the words. That part of him was bigger than he wanted to admit, and so his steps back to his bedroom were halting. When he reached the closed door, he hesitated. No more putting this off. No more running from the past. No more running from her. He put his hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath. Now or never.
He walked in, and Jackie was sitting on his bed, her back to him. "Damn, Jackie, you kicked her ass." She turned, and the slight smile he'd managed quickly faded. Her face was pale, shining with tear streaks, blood on her lip, a few nastily red scratches on her face. And she was holding a piece of paper.
The letter.
He sighed and slowly walked to the cot.
Here we go.
Jackie's body quivered when he sat down close to her, close enough their legs touched. Her eyes traveled up and down the paper, taped almost perfectly back together, her own handwriting gazing back up at her. "I…I thought you'd torn this to pieces." The words she'd written had come so easily; her heart literally spilling onto paper. And it hadn't been enough for him to break her heart just once; he'd had to do it again, in front of everyone, even Sam. He'd had to make her look like a pathetic, whiny little girl. She looked at him, and all the anger was back. Beating on Sam was a good release, and some of the pain was gone.
But not all. Not nearly all. The fight and this letter had reminded her.
She stood up, the letter fluttering to the ground as she dropped it, and glared at Steven's blank expression. "I hate you," she whispered shakily. She was dizzy, but tried to breathe through it. Her hand, unconsciously, went to her belly. "I still hate you." Her fingers pressed into her flesh. "Why did you pick her, Steven? WHY? When you KNEW how much I loved you?"
Hyde looked away. The electric flash of anguish in her eyes was something he never could handle. Something about the way she clutched at her mid-section made him squirm. And the way she'd used the past tense killed a huge part of him. Not love. Loved. "I didn't know." He spoke quietly, half-hoping she wouldn't hear him.
"Yes, you DID! How could you not? I told you all the time, Steven! Even though you only told ME once every blue moon!" She began pacing frantically, making little circles on the floor that only increased her dizziness. Nothing around her seemed clear, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was her speedy breath, setting free so much hurt she'd never been allowed to express. "You KNEW I loved you!"
Hyde shook his head, his own anger beginning to heat. "Yeah. And you really showed it when you almost did it with Kelso, right?"
"Damn it, Steven, I told you…"
He stood. "I KNOW what you told me! And I KNOW what I saw, Jackie!"
They stared at one another, both standing still but for risings chests and clenching fists. Both desperate to find a way to break through this wall between them they'd both helped make so strong and thick.
He said the only thing he could think of.
"Do you wanna hit me, Jackie? Will that make you feel better?"
"YES!"
Hyde nodded. He took a step forward, took his sunglasses off and tossed them away. They landed on the floor; he hardly noticed. All his attention was on the tiny little woman looking at him with agony in her eyes. "Go ahead then. Hit me."
Jackie stared at him for a moment, unsure of what to do, until she remembered every single time she'd seen him kiss the woman he'd married. And the scornful way he'd read that letter out loud to almost all their friends. Every single thing he'd said, done, every way he'd looked at her that had killed a little more of her. She rushed to him and began pelting her fists against his chest, sobs breathlessly escaping her chest. "I hate you! I hate you for what you did! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
He stood as still as he could, wincing. Her tiny fists packed quite a wallop, and he knew there'd be bruises all over his chest in the morning. She kept screaming that she hated him, and the words, like her fists did his chest, beat his heart. Hot tears burned behind his closed lids, and for once, he didn't bother to use all his energy to fight them. He hadn't ever allowed himself to cry over losing her. Hell, he hadn't allowed himself to cry at all for years and years until the accident.
Maybe it was about time he cried over the love of his life.
Jackie's energy faded, and her fists slowed, though she struggled to keep going, to elicit any sort of reaction from Steven. He stood there with no expression on his face, his eyes closed, and she kept pounding. "I hate you…I hate you…I…" And then his eyes opened. Blue eyes full of tears staring straight at her. Pain she'd never seen in them before. Her heart, her anger, her everything dissolved, and her hands spread on his chest, her fingertips clinging to his tee shirt in order to keep her on her feet. Her legs felt like nothing. She could only feel his tears. "Steven…"
She was in his arms, and immediately, despite the soreness of where she'd battered him, he pulled her in tight. Her body melded into his, practically became his property, and it made him both ache more and feel slightly better. He tried to breathe, but it was more of sob as he turned his face into her sweet-smelling, kitten-fur soft hair. His lips moved over her earlobe. "I'm sorry. I'm just…sorry." He felt the tear fall from his eyes. "For everything, Tinkerbelle."
She could have stayed right there forever, but something pulled her back, out of his warmth, but not far enough that she completely lost it. She smiled shakily at him, his face full now. Contrition. Regret. Feelings that he'd never been able to deal with or express to her. She took his hand and led him back to the cot. They sat, and she leaned down to the floor to pick up the letter. "I…" She shrugged ruefully and wiped away some tears. "That day…the day you read this to everyone…I've never been so humiliated in my life. I wanted to die. I just…I wanted to be dead. I hated…I hated myself. I hated being me. When you laughed and she laughed."
Hyde swallowed guiltily, his gut twisting. "Yeah, I…I know that feeling."
Jackie looked at him, surprised. He stared out at the floor in front of him, and she noticed the slight twitch in his jaw. "Have you ever…" She realized. "Oh god…was that how you felt when…" Her stomach tightened. "When Michael came into the hotel room?"
He smiled wryly. "And when I saw the two of you on Donna's couch. When he gave you that stupid sweater. When you went with him to that stupid dinner party. Should I go on?"
They sat in silence; Jackie, slightly stunned, angry at herself for not knowing or seeing. Or admitting to herself of any fault in their relationship problems. Hyde, annoyed that he'd confessed.
"Then why did you do it? Make me feel that way?"
Her voice was tiny, the hurt little girl voice that always drove him to insane actions in order to protect her. He sighed. "I don't know. To prove a point, I guess. To you. To Sam. To me." He took the letter out of Jackie's hands and looked at it. Loopy writing, so feminine, words so open and honest, loving despite her pain, everything she was that he wasn't. Bitterness weakened his chest. "And I did, too." He looked at the last line she'd written before her name, and traced his index finger over it as he'd done so often.
"What was that?" As she watched Steven, his expression turned thoughtful, almost nostalgic, and her intense hurt seemed to be muted by her curiosity.
He looked at her, and all the old hang ups were gone. Just gone. Her eyes, blue and green, shone with purity that without even fighting, vanquished the scars of his past. For the first time in his life, honesty felt easy. "That I wasn't over you." The comfort was gone just as soon as he finished the words, and he shifted away from her uncomfortably. "I mean, I kept it."
"Why?"
He looked away, smiling slightly. Of course she'd ask. Of course she'd have to know. Jackie always had to know. Faith wasn't her strong suit. Then again, how could he blame her for that? It wasn't his, either. "To punish myself, I guess, at first. And then…" A small hand touched his thigh, just for a moment, and he looked at her again. Those eyes…heaven…and the honesty was back. "It was the last time you told me that you…"
The break in his voice swelled her heart, and Jackie watched, teary-eyed, as his finger traced over those final words.
"I still love you, Steven, and I know I'll love you until I die. And even after that."
"The last time I told you that I loved you." She reached out and traced his hand, still hovering over the letter, with her fingertip.
He nodded and shivered at her touch. For so long he'd scorned love, and any and all expression of it. Until she came along and deluged him with it. Then when it was gone, he was left clinging to this letter as if it were some sort of life preserver. He cleared his throat and stood up. "I….hey, do you need something to drink? 'Cause I'm really getting thirsty."
A lie. He needed a break. And maybe some ice for his chest where she'd beat on him. Her lip, too. Looked a little swollen.
Jackie shook her head, abruptly feeling a sharp exhaustion that made her body feel completely thrashed. "Actually, I'm kind of tired, Steven. Do you mind if I lay down for a little while?"
He shrugged. "Whatever." She lay down, snuggling her little body underneath the covers of his bed. "I uh…I guess I'll just go out…"
She smiled at him. Awkward on Steven was always so precious. "No. Stay with me."
He licked his lips. "Okay. Well, then I'll just…" He moved to the chair on the other side of the room.
"No. Come lay down with me, Steven."
She wasn't sure what was to come; if they would be together forever, if they would even be together for three weeks, or even three days. What she was sure of was that she wanted his body near hers, just for right now.
He settled in behind her, his heart racing, and she squirmed backwards to him. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her in a way that was both new and as familiar to him as his own self. Just as he was losing the tension in his body, she turned in his arms, and he was faced with those eyes, those lips, that beautiful face. She gave him a tiny smile, and he noticed the swollen corner. He carefully swept the tip of his finger over the cut. "Does it hurt?" His body filled with the beginning pangs of desire for her. Even a little banged up, she was something even more than sexy.
Jackie shook her head, and nearly swooned because of the heat of his hands splayed on her back, the hardness of his chest against the softness of hers, his toes petting the top of her foot. "No. It's…fine."
His lips brushed hers, like a feather floating over air. Once. Twice.
Her eyes fluttered closed, but after a third and forth kiss, his lips were gone. She wanted to open her eyes in protest, but she was so tired, and couldn't.
"Sleepy, Tink?"
She nodded, but even his voice was becoming far away and misty.
Hyde watched as her face relaxed. She was falling asleep. He smiled. She should be tired. She'd just kicked Sam's ass and given him a good beating, too. She'd earned a nap.
About an hour and a half later, unable to sleep, unable to be that close to Jackie while awake and not want to do things to her, Hyde turned on the stereo and moved to the chair. Elton John sang sweetly, accompanied by a gentle piano, and normally, he would have immediately changed the station. But this song seemed fitting. Besides, if it happened to wake up Jackie, she'd immediately smile. And probably purr an "Oh, Puddin' Pop." He wanted to hear her purr.
She slept, her face relaxed, just a tease of an upwards curve on her lips, her chest slowly rising up and down.
He smiled, and obviously intoxicated by the devil's spell, began mumbling the lyrics along with Elton John, his eyes never leaving her.
"Ballerina, you must have seen her. Dancing in the sand."
That night she'd looked so beautiful, that red dress, the flower in her hair, the look in her eyes when they'd danced. And afterwards, in his bed, she'd trembled. He'd experienced a lot of things with a lot of girls, but none of them had ever trembled that way. Wide eyes, so innocent despite her relationship with Kelso, or maybe because of it.
"And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand."
His own tiny dancer, his own little Tinkerbelle, always fluttering around him. Always caring.
She stirred, and he immediately stopped mumbling, swallowing nervously. The last thing he needed was for her to catch him. She always made such a big deal about this song, especially after it had come on the radio that same night, just as they started.
He frowned as she sat up, once again putting her hand on her stomach and rubbing tiny circles. Was that just a nervous habit she'd somehow picked up? Or did she feel sick?
Jackie rubbed her eyes and smiled at Steven. She decided to pretend she hadn't heard him singing along to their song. "What are you doing over there? Come back. I'm cold." She pouted.
He grinned and went back to the bed. They settled in, face to face, and Jackie's eyes danced. Her hand circled on his chest.
"Hold me closer, tiny dancer." She giggled.
He rolled his eyes. He'd been busted. "Shut it." His arms tightened around her. For a few moments, they just lay there, saying nothing. "So…did you really wish you were Sam?"
Jackie's smile faded, and she sighed. The feeling, despite the months that had passed, was still so intense. "Yeah." Her shoulders lifted up. "Can you imagine that? Me, as beautiful and amazing as I am, wished she was a slutty stripper!" She tried to sound unaffected. And failed. Her eyes closed.
Hyde swallowed, said nothing. What could he say?
"It just…Steven, it killed me that you shared something with her that we never shared. You gave her a part of you that you couldn't give me."
She opened her eyes, and the glistening hurt in them made him have to look away. Why did she have to be so readable? She made it impossible to deal with things, with her pain, because she made him feel it. And when she released a tiny sob, turned away from him and scooted as far as she could to the edge of the cot, away from him, it was even worse. "Jackie…" He rolled over onto his back and tried desperately to think of something to say to her, some way of showing her that it hadn't been easy on him, either. That he'd hated his own choices. "I…I never said her name, you know. During…I mean, while we had sex, I never…said her name."
Jackie sat up, and looked at him incredulously. "What? God, Steven, I don't wanna hear about that!" She tried to scramble over him, off the cot, but he caught her, his arms wrapping around her middle and squeezing her. "No…No….just let me go!" She started to cry. How could he think she'd want to know that? It was bad enough that she'd spent so long picturing the two of them doing…that.
"Jackie, just wait, okay? God, don't you remember?" Hyde held her as tight as she could. "Jackie, I always said your name, remember?"
Her body betrayed her, and she relaxed into his arms, leaning her head back on his shoulder. His head nestled into the crook of her neck, and as he whispered to her, his hot breath slid over her skin. She closed her eyes, and remembered the first time, after the Valentine's dance.
She was nervous, and she knew her entire body was shaking. He was on top of her, and she couldn't look at him, afraid he'd see how much this meant to her, how frightened she was that she wouldn't be good enough, afraid to see that it didn't mean as much to him. But he forced her to look at him, and when she did, he smiled gently. "Jackie, you sure? You're shaking. If you don't wanna do this, we don't…"
"No, I just…I mean, I'm sure…I'm sure, Steven."
And later, in the midst of the passionate exchange she'd never quite imagined sharing with anyone, he'd groaned, lifted his head, his eyes closed, and the only thing he could seem to say was her name. He breathed it, moaned it, grunted it…always her name.
It was always like that. Every time.
"I remember," she whispered.
"Remember the Foto Hut?"
She smiled. "I remember." The kisses on her neck as he moved inside of her, the husky, throaty whisper of her name directly into her ear as things got more and more intense. And afterwards, just as he'd released, the groan of her name that sounded so full and satisfied.
"I never said Sam's name. I never said anyone's name…except yours, Jackie."
Her chest constricted, but not with pain. With hope. She turned over her shoulder to look at him. Her Puddin' Pop. "Did you…" She rubbed her belly nervously. "Did you think about me when…"
He smiled. "Always."
And it wasn't a lie. Whenever his eyes closed, it was always Jackie he saw. Jackie he felt. Jackie he wanted.
She turned to him, their eyes locked, and slowly, they leaned towards one another. Their lips met softly, nibbling for several long moments, until Jackie collapsed into him, her teary eyes spilling onto his neck. They held each other just as passionately as they'd kissed, neither pair of hands staying still.
"Hey, Tink?"
Jackie pulled away, slightly reluctant to leave the strength and warmth of him. She smiled. "Yeah, Puddin' Pop?"
He shrugged. "I just…" He broke off. His fear of intimacy, no matter how beautiful Jackie was, no matter how much she showed him her heart, would always be there.
Oh, god damn it, just say it!
The big difference was that he used to be unwilling to do anything about it. Now, all he wanted to do was fight it.
"I love you, Jackie."
All the defense left inside of her, all the atoms screaming for more protection, ordering her to give up on Steven; they all vanished as if they'd never been there in the first place. All the doubts drifted away.
He loved her.
She reached up and touched his face, still bruised. "I love you, Steven. So much."
He kissed her softly, his mouth opening hers, his tongue caressing hers tenderly. She drew him to her, holding his body as close to hers as humanly possible as their kiss deepened. The couple slowly lay back on the cot, and when the kiss ended, Jackie smiled up at her true love.
"Steven?" She giggled as he began lightly biting his neck. She gripped his shoulders.
"Yeah, Tinkerbelle?" he muttered in between nibbles of her soft skin.
"Do you think it'll be different this time?"
He paused and sighed, a little annoyed that she still wanted to talk. He lifted up and looked down at her, and had to smile. She had that little girl look on her face, the one she always used when she wanted to cover up her own hang-ups. He touched her cheek. She smiled sheepishly, and rubbed his back, and he tweaked her chin. "Yeah. It will."
It had to. They were different people. Things they'd done, seen, gone through…it had all changed them. And as cliché as it sounded, that would make all the difference in the world.
He grinned. "'Cause the third time's the charm, Tink."
Jackie giggled. "Steven, I think this'll be the fourth time we've gotten back together." She sat up. "Unless we don't count the get off my boyfriend break up." She batted her eyelashes flirtatiously at him. "It only lasted two hours, anyway."
"Four, but who's counting?" Hyde said. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the way her fingertips stroked his cheeks. "Let's just forget that one." God, her fingers were so soft. His eyes fell shut. Yeah. Right now he'd forget everything just for her touch.
"Steven, you never told me what happened to your face." It bothered her, not knowing what had happened. Why he'd been so banged up. Why Eric had been too. Even Donna had been hushed about it. And truth be told, it was driving her crazy.
He pulled back and looked away. Damn it. If he told her about that, he'd have to tell her about everything.
Jackie watched Steven nervously. He was hiding something, she could tell, and as much as she wanted to push him and insist that he tell her, she didn't. "It's okay if you don't want to…"
Hyde shook his head and looked at her. "No. It's…its not. If we're gonna start over…" He swallowed. Third time's the charm, Hyde. She's not gonna leave you for this. Not after all the crap we've just gone through. "I guess I should tell you about what happened when you were in Hawaii."
Jackie's stomach turned, and she again, put her hand over it and rubbed. It wasn't bigger yet, or rounder, but soon. She had to tell him. About the baby, about what had happened in Hawaii. "I…well, I have stuff I need to tell you, too." He's not gonna leave me. He's gonna want the baby. And me. And he'll be proud of me for not doing what my mother wanted.
She blinked back tears. It just had to happen that way. After everything, it had to.
Five hours later
Jackie lay on her side next to Steven in the cot. He was sleeping, and she smiled. He looked so innocent when asleep. She studied him; the slope of his nose, the curve of his chin, the lashes that fluttered against his skin as his eyes moved under the lids. She watched his breath, and wondered if his mother had ever done that. "No," she muttered. She couldn't have. If she had, she never would have left him. Edna was a fool.
She smiled. She wasn't. Not ever, ever again.
She snuggled back into his shoulder, and his arm tightened around her waist. She giggled softly when his hand patted her rear end. Even in his sleep, he was naughty.
They'd talked. Confessed. Admitted. They'd gone for a drive and screamed at one another in the El Camino. About Sam. About Michael. About things they'd never settled.
But this time, after they'd screamed, they'd talked some more. He'd talked. She'd talked. They'd kissed. Hugged. This time the fight hadn't degenerated into threats and ultimatums, or into bitter, passive aggressive avoidance. Their fights were always like the sun setting, blanketing the entire earth in darkness.
Every time before, the darkness only brought more darkness.
This time, the sun rose again.
She smiled and put her hand on his chest. "I love you so much, Puddin' Pop."
"How much? Enough to do that thing you never wanted to do?"
She swatted at him. "You're awake!"
"Yep." Hyde grinned and opened his eyes, turning to her. "Just in time to hear you gushing all over me."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever!" She tried to roll away from him, but laughed when he jerked her back into him, pulling her halfway on top of him.
Hyde stared into her beautiful, beautiful eyes, now shining with something happy. With her heart, that now belonged to him again. "You're not going anywhere, Jackie."
She shook her head. "No, I'm not," she said softly, understanding the double meaning of his words. "Ever. Just as long as you're not going anywhere, either."
He smirked. "Not with you on top of me, I'm not." Another swat, another giggle, another kiss.
They kissed, and held on to one another tight.
This time was it. Third time's the charm. That's what "they" said. That's what the cliché reassured.
And after all, clichés and things they say always seem to have the ring of truth.