Author's Note: Hi guys! I noticed that my absence was...um, noticeable, and I'm really sorry. I had exams. But now I'm back, with rather amazing results, and I can update! YES! I hope you enjoy. I intend to minimize any fluff from this point on. The best part about the Hartemis ship is that it isn't overdone. I'm not going to overdo it.

I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. You'll spot at least five different reasons why.

Disclaimer:I don't own Artemis Fowl.

Previously

"Look, perhaps we can mind wipe them both. To forget that they know each other. They'll never meet. The cross species battle would happen anyway, but Castro would never get involved in it."

Future Artemis

"Sweet dreams, fairy."

We couldn't stop the battle, but we could assure victory.

—•••

Present Holly's P.O.V

Next day, 7:45 a.m

Haven City.

Foaly's eyes widened.

Foaly stared.

Foaly goggled.

Foaly nearly choked.

"T-Three Fowls?!" Foaly spluttered.

Future Artemis rolled his eyes. "As if you weren't informed earlier, Foaly."

The centaur shook his head. "No. No. I am not going to put up with three of you! And to make things worse, three of her and two Mulches?! No! I'm too young to die!"

Younger Artemis snickered. "Well, I guess we'll just try our best to assist you."

Foaly snorted. "No you won't. You, little Arty, will stay far, far out of my sight or anyone else's. I don't want a paradox."

Little Arty scowled. "Don't call me that!"

"Well, what do you expect me to call you? Arty One, Arty Two and Arty Three?"

I could've sworn both versions of myself shared a smirk.

Younger Artemis looked understandably embarrassed. "Yes, I'd prefer that to the term little. I am still smarter than you. Before you ask for evidence, remember how I got here in the first place."

Foaly didn't get the chance to object because present Artemis stopped him with, "Enough lighthearted bantering. What have you got on Councilman Collision?"

"Firstly, stupidest name on the board."

"Tell us something we don't know."

The centaur was suddenly sober. "I did a bit of research before you got here. Collision. No family records as of yet, seeing as no one knows of his relationship with humans. Graduated in the Atlantis Academy of Law when he was thirty, was a part of Recon for two decades as an operations manager but quit the job after his fiftieth birthday. We can assume that was after contact with the human whom he married. Internal Affairs have no dirt on him, and his records still say that he's a bachelor. Noticeable achievements include a ban on smoking zones in Downtown Haven's weather parks, an increased salary for councilmen serving under him, composing the official set of rules to be followed at Ritual sites and a book on stable relations with Humans titled Stealing The Surface."

Future Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Stable relations, you say? He had the biggest problem with Holly and I—"

"Aaah, let's just concentrate on the present, shall we?" interrupted the Artemis from this time before he could say anything that would affect us. By affect I mean make us not want to look at each other for another week. "Foaly, you were saying?"

Future Mulch snorted. "There's no point in trying to hide it anymore, Arty. All of us know that you're going to propose to her in the near future, so all you're doing now is making things a lot more awkward."

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks but I chose to ignore it. "Shut up, Diggums."

Foaly grinned, then coughed. "Okay, back to the present. I don't know if any of the Mud Boys has a plan, but mine is to locate Castro and wipe his mind. Possibly replace his memories with one of losing his magic trough breaking a rule. Let's say he entered a Human dwelling without an invitation when he was nine."

Younger Holly shrugged. "That's the plan, but how are we going to locate this guy?"

Future Artemis snorted. "Probably drinking his heart out at a pub. He's certainly the type."

Future Holly chuckled. "Just how much do you hate him, Arty?"

"Oh, I hate him plenty, but I can't assume that you don't."

"I do. But he hasn't done any damage yet."

"Of course not. He's only planning it at the moment."

Present Mulch guffawed. "Honestly, stop flirting. It's making us a little uncomfortable.""

He earned a well-deserved scowl from both of them.

Present Artemis P.O.V

This. Is. Humiliating.

Here we were, three versions of the greatest human mind currently on the planet, having had defied the laws of time and space, having had faced insane pixies, ravenous trolls and D'Arvitting spirits of the fairy dead—here we were, playing dress up.

Well, technically I was already outfitted. An oversized white t-shirt and blue jeans that Foaly had somehow managed to find. It's not as if I wasn't suspicious that he'd had them in storage for a while and that they were particularly meant for me.

A few minutes later, my younger self emerged from the cubicle, fitted in a further oversized black jacket and ridiculously baggy jeans. Alright, these clothes definitely were meant for me.

"Foaly, I swear I would wring your neck," he muttered.

Foaly snickered. "If you had the strength to do it."

Younger Artemis shot him a glare that made him suddenly decide on keeping quiet.

The three versions of Holly were not, however, undergoing any kind of torment. In fact they all now wore the standard LEP uniform which they were more than comfortable in, although I can't quite say I was too sure about what Future Holly had on. She was, after all, assisting my older self get into the undercover outfit Foaly had set apart for him.

Both me and Younger Artemis couldn't help but cringe at the thought of that. We could only distinctly hear them from outside the cubicle but I was extremely thankful it wasn't more.

A few groans and a lot of complaining from my older self, that is. He was too tall for the cubicle, so we could see the top of his head and his suddenly disheveled hair as Future Holly tied his shoelaces.

When they both stepped out of the cubicle, my older self looked beyond mortified. He was wearing the same thing as me, except it was a much tighter fit and, unfortunately, revealed that he was a lot more fit physically than I was.

Despite him literally being me, I was the first to start laughing.

"Stop that," he snapped. "You're not the one wearing these accursed...sneakers."

Behind him, Future Holly stiffled a chuckle. "Yes he is." She spared a downwards glance at his feet. "But yours are red."

At this, Foaly had to bite his hand to keep himself quiet.

"Would you stop reminding me of that?"

Younger Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Why? What's so important about the colour red?"

Foaly was practically chewing his thumb.

"Is it something that could affect the timeline even more if I knew?"

Foaly almost bit his thumb clean off.

Younger Artemis shot him a look. "What?"

"R-Red boxers..." started Foaly weakly. "Y-Your...red..." At this point he lost all keenness to preserve his dignity and threw his head back laughing louder than ever before.

"I think it would be best if I didn't know," said Younger Artemis at once, interrupting the centaur's waves of mirth. "Uh...now, would someone explain our roles again?"

Present Holly stepped forward, pushing the still-laughing Foaly aside and facing the three of us.

"Yeah," she said. "You, Artemis...I mean, this Artemis," she awkwardly gestured at my younger self. "Frond, we need to give you names."

Younger Holly pretended to think about it. "Of course, they'll have to introduce themselves at the Front desk. How about Leafstalk?"

I gave her an incredulous look. "What?"

She shrugged. "It's a fairly common last name in Haven."

I shook my head. "No. Not on the surface. And anyway, what we need are last names that do not sound local. More than the names, however, our backstory has to be something they won't doubt."

Foaly was suddenly in the right mind to talk again. "I already made that up. You three are brothers returning from a tour which your parents did not approve. You could not find your way through the city in time to catch up with the tourism bus they were in, and they wouldn't have stayed back for you because they had no clue that you ever left the bus. It's been an entire day and you couldn't get in touch with them, the oldest brother here," pointing at my older self, "Lost his phone, and because you had some cash to spare, you've decided to spend a couple of nights in the motel. And I mean that seriously. You'll only have two nights to locate Castro, and it won't even be easy because he's rarely ever seen at home. Follow him and note some of his accomplices. They'll all be fairies. Is that clear?"

Younger Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Now why exactly must we use that ridiculous story for cover?"

Foaly chuckled. "Hey, this is the one time I've ever got the chance to make the plan. You follow the plan. Is that clear?"

Future Artemis decided it wasn't worth to ask. "Very. What about Holly?"

Present Mulch guffawed. "Which Holly?"

Future Mulch nudged his counterpart in the shoulder. "Oh, isn't that obvious?"

Foaly smirked. "No worries, Mud Boy. She—well, they will handle their part of the mission fine. Or are you just upset that you're going to miss her for a couple of nights?"

My older self scowled. "It's much more than that, Foaly."

"Meaning...?"

"Woah," interrupted Future Holly. "Can we first get this mission over with?"

The centaur wagged a finger. "All this is fine, but don't forget that this is not where you're supposed to be. Don't attempt anything stupid that will mess everything up, including asking too many questions. That goes to all of you."

My older self picked up one of the three fully packed black knapsacks on the floor. Picked up being the more dignified term of struggled to lift and just barely managed.

"What did you pack in these?" he demanded.

Foaly made an innocent face. "Essential stuff. You'll find out at the motel."

My younger self and I bent down to pick up the smaller ones, succeeding to at least sling them over our shoulders.

For Foaly's own sake, I hoped that whatever the knapsacks contained was incredibly important.

"Both Mulches will be joining you outside the motel on both days," said Holly from my time. "We can't afford to send them in as well, because there is a good chance they'll just get kicked out. Besides it would blow your cover as close family members."

I looked at the two dwarves. "Of course it would..."

She rolled her eyes. "I really hope this goes well."

"You don't say," I muttered sarcastically. "This is your future life on the line."

"Yours too, Mud Boy."

I shrugged uncomfortably. "Yes, but only indirectly."

Holly chuckled. "Let's just wait and see what happens."

Maybe by absolute coincidence, the both of us glanced sideways at our future selves at the same time.

"I won't go anywhere," I heard Future Holly whisper. It came as a shock to me that I managed to hear that from afar.

My older self leaned in closer to her. "You know, I said it was much more than missing you because I just don't want to lose you again."

She grinned.

They closed their eyes.

We immediately averted our eyes and avoided our gazes from going anywhere near that corner of the room.

Holly buried her face in her hands.

"Can't they ever stop doing that?!"

—•/•••

—•/•••

Present Artemis

9:36 am

I can't honestly say that the external appearance of the building itself wasn't enough to shrink my confidence astronomically.

It was an unsteady looking three-storied complex with broken plastic for windows and the coat of paint hadn't been renewed for the three decades it had been in existence. It was hard to say what the original colour had been. Six windows on the outside. That worked to our advantage. It wouldn't be very hard to locate which one Castro occupied.

A tiny bell hung above the door gave a single ring as my older self pushed it open with considerable effort. Rusted hinges. Who would've thought?

A thin man in his late fifties stood at the front desk, his appearance made hideous by the clothes he wore. The shirt was almost the same colour as the building.

"Good morning," said Future Artemis with forced politeness. "We were...uh...part of a tourist group, you see—"

"Ah," the Front Desk manager cut him off. "You Irish, yes?"

"That is correc—That's right," he probably just remembered that he was supposed to sound like a lost tourist. "Anyway, we were wondering if we could..."

The manager shook his head sadly. "Always in a hurry. It is very boring for me to sit here all day, see? No need to cut your story short for me. Tell me everything."

My younger self and I simply looked up at our big brother with innocent eyes.

"Oh, gladly," Future Artemis smiled. "Well, we are brothers. Mom and Dad were asleep in the bus when it came to a stop, and we thought we'd just get out and have a look around with the other kids. Unfortunately, we wandered off a bit too far and the bus left. We tried to catch up, but it was totally useless. This was a day ago."

The manager looked horrified. "A day ago? Was it yesterday or the day before?"

"The day before." My older self shoved his hands into his pockets. "We got some directions from the people around and found this place. Perhaps you have a landline?"

Following Foaly's instructions, my younger self made his eyes look bigger and quivered his lip in the image of a frightened child. "To tell Mom and Dad that we're alive?"

I placed a hand on his shoulder. "Uh, forgive my little brother. He's not normally like this, but it was a terrible experience, you know?"

I could almost hear him internally scowl.

The Front Desk manager sighed. "There is a landline in every room."

The three of us nodded meekly.

"Go on, then," he handed my older self a rather large key with the number 23 printed in black. "Use the landline in this room. There is no need to pay."

The three of us were about to say thank you at the same time, but that was before the door behind the manager was pulled open and a fatter man without a shirt stepped out.

"No need to pay?" he asked the manager in a husky voice. The smell of his long-distance breath clearly stated that he was an addicted alcoholic. "I swear I will quit if I don't get my salary this time."

My younger self winced. "That odour is disgusting."

I gave him a look that clearly said shut up.

"Actually..." started Future Artemis. "We'd like to spend a couple of nights here. After the bus's last stop, it would take only that amount of time to reach this area on its way back." He dug his left hand into one of the pockets on his jeans and pulled out a thin roll of cash. Irish cash, to make things even more believable. "I'm sorry we couldn't get this money exchanged in your currency."

The first manager appeared delighted. "I'll cut the rates in half for you. You have so little money to spend. My way of thanking my tenth customers of the season."

"I'd better get that half!" shouted the other man.

I remembered the role I had to play. "That's so cool. We're your tenth customers?"

"Lucky, isn't it? The first customer, well, he came here two months ago and you could almost say he lives here."

My grip tightened on Younger Artemis's shoulder. We were both thinking the same thing. Castro.

"Thanks, man," my Future self handed him all the money. "But we don't need it. Mom and Dad will be here in two days anyway. It's not much. Fifty dollars."

The manager accepted it. "Remind me to give you your balance before you leave."

Future Artemis smiled, then lifted his knapsack off the ground and urged us forward. We only looked back to wave friendlily at the manager before we reached the foot of the of steep, unclean stairs, divided from the Front Desk by an equally stained wall.

"That was terrible acting," my younger self scowled. "Or rather, Foaly's instructions were terrible. Fourteen year olds do not say things like Mom and Dad should know we're alive."

"You should have improvised," retorted Future Artemis, dropping the heavy knapsack to the floor. "Help me get this upstairs. This is exactly why Holly should be here."

Author's Note: Aha! Now, be a good reader and leave me a comment, or else the next chapter WILL be delayed! You know I'm perfectly capable of delaying updates. Milk toffees to those who do review. If you want to see a picture of Arty One, Arty Two and Arty Three in their new outfits, check art/Regards-from-my-past-present-and-future-499807706

On my very infrequent DeviantArt account. I love you guys, happy holidays and don't forget to comment. Guests get replies too, users get reply messages, I love hooves and follow me on DeviantArt and Instagram if you like the picture. Also, if you're looking for a more serious fic with more serious writing, check out The Cross Species Battle by me. It is awesome.