June 30th (Day 5, Noon)

Shang holds the small dog in his arms as he walks to the second barley field. Almost all of the green has disappeared, but he's shocked to find the basket only half filled with weeds. "Did you sneak back into the house to get a different basket?"

"Ah, no." Mulan tiredly pulls at a weed, but the green tears from the roots and she has to dig with her fingers so the destructive force can't come back. "Not this time."

The dog barks as Shang notices Mulan sitting hopelessly on the ground, "Maybe you would get more done if you knelt instead."

"I normally do," Mulan comments as she finishes digging out the root and puts the dry, cold soil back in its hole. "After I finish weeding the fields we should begin to harvest the barley." She pauses as she struggles to pull multiple weeds out from the ground, "It's getting colder."

Shang looks around the sunlit estate as he feels the sun's warm rays. A cool wind blows over them, and he sees Mulan shiver, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

Shang watches as she rubs the sleeves of the training-robe, "So, you're wearing it."

"Oh. Yeah." A picture of Mushu enters her mind, "I wasn't going to, but then I did." There's silence as she tugs at another weed, "I couldn't bring myself to wear anything else."

"That's understandable." Shang sits down and smiles, as he remembers Mulan's comment to their father the other night, "I wouldn't want to wear a dress either."

Mulan smiles back, but it slips as the previous night replays in her mind, "Did you really mean what you said?" She hesitates in doubt, "Do you actually love me, or did you only say that so I would eat?"

Shang lifts a hand to her face, "Yes, I was trying to get you to eat, but I wasn't lying when I said I cared for you." He looks into her lonely eyes, "I mean it. I love you."

Mulan reaches for his hand and brings it down, and she stares at the touch as she responds, "I don't understand why you like me— why you care so much." She looks up and sees his worried expression, "If you love Ping, he's not capable of offering you what other men can. If you love Mulan, I'm not healthy enough to offer you children." She shakes her head, "Even if I survive all of this, I don't understand what I could ever offer you." Shang stays silent in contemplation. "What are you doing this for? What do you want from me?" She whispers, "Why do you love me?"

"I love you," Shang half-smiles, "because you're smart, brave, and beautiful." He sees Mulan look at the ground in uncertainty, "I'm doing this because I care about you—"

"But I can't offer you anything," Mulan grins wide in disbelief. "So why bother?" She sees Shang take a calming breath. Great. Now I made him mad. Good job. Just brilliant. She's shocked to see Shang come closer, giving a kiss. Mulan kisses him back, but as they separate she's left in shock.

Shang's mouth is left cracked open, as if that were the best thing he's ever experienced. He sees Mulan relax a little, "I'm doing this, because I love you."

But love doesn't matter. Mulan shifts her eyes around, "Don't you want children?" She sees a stressed expression on his face. "I can't guarantee that for you."

"Neither could a man," Shang spouts. He raises a hand to his head, "I want to marry someone who can hold up a conversation with me... I'd rather have you than some fragile, porcelain doll."

Mulan shuts her eyes for a second, "I still don't understand." She can tell Shang doesn't like her doubt, but she wants answers, "Why get married at all? You're the general; you could just go find a real man, and the two of you could just stay in the army together."

Shang almost smiles. If it weren't for all the bloodshed, it would actually be kind of romantic. "The only man I want is you."

Mulan tiredly shakes her head, "But Ping isn't a real man."

"I disagree." Shang smiles, "You were the first to climb the pole and retrieve the arrow, you became my fastest and strongest soldier, and you never gave up or quit." Mulan stays quiet, even though she has counter-arguments for each. "You're smart, brave, and beautiful. That's all anyone could ever ask for in a man."

Mulan smirks, "Beautiful isn't a man's trait, Shang."

"Oh, sorry." He smiles, "Would you prefer 'handsome'?"

"Shang. How do you think people would react if you called a man beautiful or handsome?"

He shrugs, "I imagine they would be really confused, maybe ask me to repeat what I had said, and then I'd have to kiss you to confirm their suspicions." He sees Mulan grin as her eyes shut, and his smile slips when he hears her stomach growl. He looks down to the dog, "Oh, hey." He looks back up, "This little guy's been trying to get your attention, but you've been neglecting him since you got back."

Mulan looks down on the white and brown-spotted dog with interest, "He's still here, but how?" It crosses her mind that the dog may just be imaginary, but she doesn't dare to even think it. "I haven't seen him." The dog gives a sad expression, "He hasn't been around."

"He has been around," Shang comments with concern. "You just didn't notice."

Mulan pets the dog in hesitation to make sure it's real, and the dog barks happily as he jumps into Mulan's lap. She smiles, "I'm sorry, Little Brother." and hugs him. "I won't ignore you again."

Shang smiles as he watches them bond, but then he sees the basket's lack of weeds. She may have gotten out of bed, but they're still weak. He looks over her thin arms and begins to open his mouth as he hears her stomach growl again, but he shuts it and stays silent as he remembers the first intervention the soldiers had with Ping.

They had rested a while from training one day. It was planned, because everyone was worried. Shang remembers how even Yao managed to stay quiet in deep concern, as they all sat around the small fire. He doesn't remember exactly what everyone had said, but he does recall that even the soldiers who've never spoken to Ping had something to say. In fact, after one of them told Ping his behavior was going to get them all killed, Ping just stood and walked away. He didn't really speak to anyone for the rest of that week, and I think he actually trained more and ate less.

Shang shakes his head. That was a disaster. It can't happen again. He sees Mulan's slight smile mask her sad eyes. It has to be their choice. He tries to smile back with kindness, "How about I help you clear away the rest of these weeds?" but knows he probably failed.

Mulan sets the dog back onto the ground, before she looks around at her lack of progress, "I guess I could use some help."

She had mumbled it, but Shang hears it perfectly and smiles brightly as he hurries to begin clearing the field for her. No one really speaks, but Shang can't help but feel he's responsible for her and needs to take care of her. I wonder if she's even been able to heal from that stab wound, since she hasn't really been eating. He takes a moment to look over her tired and weakened state, and he has to take a deep breath to keep himself from saying his concerns.

When half of the weeds are gone and the basket is nearly full Shang is relieved to hear Mulan speak, "I don't know how it got like this. I don't know how I became such a failure." She whispers, "I used to be so strong." but Shang hears every word.

He takes a calming breath, "You're not a failure." He pauses. "In fact, for how little you've been eating, you're actually doing great."

Mulan shakes her head, "This isn't great. This is horrible, and it's definitely not good enough."

Shang pulls a few more weeds, "If you don't think it's good enough, then do better.

"And how am I supposed to do that?" She's clearly frustrated, "I have been trying."

Shang stares at the ground, "It might help if you eat more than a carrot a week."

"I have been eating more than a carrot a week." Maybe not much more, but I'm still eating—

"I'm sure you have," Shang replies, only half believing her insistent statement. "But when was the last time you had something as satisfying as meat?"

Mulan feels like rolling her eyes, "Meat isn't as satisfying to me as it is to you."

Shang continues to work, "Maybe, but it will help you become strong again." He turns to her and smiles, "Wouldn't you want strong to be added back to the things I absolutely adore about you?"

Mulan smiles, "Maybe." but turns her head down in an attempt to hide it.

There's silence for a second, as Shang pulls more weeds and sees Mulan struggle to do the same. "I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to, but it would mean a lot to me if you would." She stays quiet. "I just want you to be strong and happy... I don't like to see you like this."

Mulan stops working, "I know, and I know I'm not okay." She stares down and away as a tear falls from her face. "But I'm out of options, and I know nothing can fix this. It won't be okay."

"It will be." Shang stops weeding, "You just need faith."

"Faith in what?" Mulan nearly shouts in irritation. "The ancestors? The universe? The emperor?" Shang doesn't speak as he questions the commonly used phrase himself. "The emperor is unpredictable, we don't even know anything beyond The Great Wall, and the ancestors— Well," She hesitates as Shang gives a questioning look in concern. "I don't think they would be very proud of my behavior."

"There's nothing wrong with your behavior," Shang looks down as he pulls more weeds. "You're just a little different. There's nothing wrong with that."

Mulan laughs, "Right. That's why everyone else acts like I'm such a disgrace." She sees Shang look back up. "The only reason you think my behavior is okay is because you knew me as a man first, and then you saw how awkward and terrible I was at being a woman." Shang opens his mouth to speak, but Mulan doesn't let him. "Face it. My behavior isn't accepted, and it won't be because I'm not a man. I'm just some crazy—" Woman. She gulps, "Girl, who is making a big deal out of nothing."

"You're not crazy." The dog barks as Shang holds onto Mulan's hand tightly, "And if you're not comfortable with yourself, then that's a big deal. It's not nothing."

"Then why doesn't anyone else see it as a big deal?" She continues before Shang can respond, "My mother thinks I'm being so unreasonable. My father and Mushu think it's just something that's happening and either not a big deal or something I should be able to push through."

"Wait." Shang closes his eyes in confusion, "Who's Mu Shu?"

Mulan places a hand to her head, realizing the huge mistake she had just made, "It's a long story, and he doesn't need to be talked about right now." She sees Shang's interest but ignores it, "My point is that no one thinks my behavior is acceptable. Even those who understand the severity of the situation don't take it seriously. You're the only one who thinks this is okay, so I must be crazy."

"What about your grandmother? She's been taking this seriously."

"Of course, that helps." She sees Shang's questioning look. "Apparently the morning before I saw the matchmaker, she tested Cri Kee's luck by walking into the middle of a busy road."

"And who is Cri Kee?"

"Oh," Mulan feels like laughing but is too sad, so she remains serious instead. "Cri Kee is the cricket. You may have seen him around. He's small and blue."

"Huh. You don't see those every day." Mulan almost replies, saying that she does, but Shang continues, "We're getting off track." Mulan nods in agreement and is glad his questions have stopped there, even though she's not too fond of this topic either. "Your grandmother may be a little too faithful, and I may be biased since I did meet Ping first, but just because we're the only ones okay with you doesn't mean you're crazy or unreasonable."

"Then why is everyone acting like I am?"

Mulan watches carefully as Shang continues weeding the field and wishes she were strong enough to do the task as well as he can. Shang, however, is distracted by the situation, and his eyes move away from the task to gauge her expression, "People don't like change."

"What does that have to do with my sanity?"

"People act like you're being unreasonable, because they don't like change." When Shang sees her face relax he focuses back on the weeds, "It will take time, but really they just have to get used to you."

"Like you have." Mulan stares down at the weeds and hears Shang say something, but it's not heard. I've done this for years. You'd think I'd be better at it. You are better at it. Mulan tiredly reaches for a weed, but when she pulls, the green separates from the plant and the roots remain. She slowly opens her hand in failure to reveal the helpless remains. You're just weak. How do I— Mulan glances at a worried Shang, "What were you saying about me getting stronger?"

He smiles, "I just thought if you had a little meat tonight, then it could help with your strength."

No. Don't. You can't honestly think— "How much would I have to eat?"

Shang continues to work the weeds in uncertainty, "How would you feel about being handed a full bowl but knowing I'd finish the second half if you couldn't?"

"Only the second half?"

Shang looks at Mulan, expecting that to just be a joke on a serious matter, but only a neutral expression is seen. He opens his mouth a second before speaking, and looks toward the ground, "If you try this I expect you to eat something... I thought you'd feel more comfortable knowing you didn't have to finish all of it, but if you'd prefer to just be given a small amount and be expected to finish—"

"No." Mulan's voice is sudden and anxious, but she continues in a calm, defenseless tone, "You were right. I'd rather do the first thing."

Shang tries not to smile and continues to work, "So. Should I let your mother know what to cook for tonight, then?"

"I'm sorry. No." You can't do this to us. "May I have some time to think about it?"

"Of course," Shang replies almost too suddenly, before devoting the rest of his energy to clearing the field. Mulan can only watch herself struggle to do the same, before she gives up entirely. Shang suggests, "Maybe you should return to the house and rest. I can handle this."

She nods and begins to slowly walk away. You're weak and lazy. You're crazy. "You're not a soldier anymore." Mulan's mouth becomes dry, and she looks down to watch her feet. "You are now and will always be a woman. Don't forget it." Mulan holds her breath before gulping down unseen tears. "You need to admit you have a problem." Honestly. I don't even know why you bother. Don't do this to us. Mulan lifts her head up and the sun's light shines upon her, but she can only feel shame and regret. I can't admit to anything. They cannot know.

- So, here's a funny thing. When I was writing this story, I had completely forgotten about the dog until this chapter. Her neglect of the dog was in no way intentional, but in the end it worked. I know from personal experience that if I'm going through too much, then I end up not giving my plants enough attention. It's sad really. Back in late middle school I would talk to my plants and give them all sorts of attention, and they would grow twice as much or as soon as they were supposed to. Now that I haven't really been giving my plants a ton of attention, they're lucky to even grow. It's almost like they don't want to live in a place where I'm too... emotional? to give them any real attention. I'll still water them and everything usually, but it's clearly not the same.

- Anyway. Now that all 25 posted chapters have been edited I will be re-posting them. After that all I have to do is keep editing chapters. Ugh. Well, at least you will have some new content. Really. I should have given it to you sooner, as these next 46 chapters have just been sitting in the document for at least a year, just itching to be read. I didn't, though, because when I first tried posting all of the chapters there was a glitch, then I found the story wasn't really receiving a lot of interest, and then when I came back to it I figured I should edit it, as I would have to reread everything to remember exactly what all had happened. Now that this is over, however, you may expect 'new' chapters to be posted soon. I know at least one of you read all 25 current chapters, as someone reviewed the story at it's current whole on chapter 25, so hopefully you will be excited for the new chapters and not just be completely irritated with me that it's been so long. Sorry. I really must say that. I'm sorry.