Okay my wonderful readers! I bring you yet another chapter! It got a bit heavy on me before I knew what was happening, but it needed to happen. I do hope you all enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: Seriously, you should know this one by now... (-_-)
Sleep had come surprisingly easy after I had returned to what had been my room. All I could think about was the apartment. But as Ratchet and Ironhide made sure I was in bed, and not up designing my new home, I found I was far more tired then before. Morning had come far too soon for my liking, but a reminder from Metroplex had me jumping out of bed and scurrying around my room to get ready.
I had just finished getting dressed and was brushing my hair out when Ratchet knocked on the door. I called out to him that I was awake and decent, before trying to tame the beast that was morning hair. I heard him come in so I peaked my head out of the bathroom. He chuckled at me as he set my breakfast down.
"Soon I wont have to do this every morning." He seemed a bit saddened by the fact. I threw my hair up in a ponytail, having gotten it to a place where I considered it acceptable. I stood staring in the mirror, not sure what to say. We both stood there, almost rooted in our places, in silence. It wasn't a bad silence, but it wasn't a good one either. What does one say to something like that? I mean, sure, I would be closer, but I would be able to take care of myself. I wouldn't need to have him stop by so much. It didn't mean that I didn't enjoy his visits. He would tell me things that were going on in the base or stories about missions he and Ironhide had been on. I would miss that.
"Um, Ratchet?" I said quietly. He looked up at me. "You can still stop by." I walked over and sat down at the table, making sure I was right next to him. "I've gotten really used to seeing you throughout the day." I started to work on my breakfast, buttering the toast and such. "I don't think I'd like it very much if I just stopped seeing you. Same goes for Ironhide." I looked up from what I was doing. "I mean it. Back home I was often overlooked, so I never really got to many visitors when I was living in my school's dorm. Even less when I moved into my apartment. It might seem a little selfish, but I kind of like how much you guys visit me and I don't really want it to stop. Okay, it seems a lot selfish now that I've said it out loud, but it's the truth." I looked back down at my food and started to nibble at the toast, wondering what he was thinking.
Had I said to much? It seems like I always end up spilling my guts to him. Things I don't normally tell people. How do they do it? Sunstreaker I can see, after all, he's a kindred spirit. He knows a lot of what I've gone because he's experienced it himself. But Ratchet and Ironhide? I mean, some of the stuff I can understand due to having to explain my actions, but stuff like this? It just falls out. Like I have no control.
"Katie?" I set the toast back down and looked back up at Ratchet. "I would like that as well. I have come to enjoy our visits as well. They are a nice reprieve from the goings on around here. And I know Ironhide has come to enjoy them as well." I smiled.
"I'm glad. I was kinda worried that you guys didn't. I mean it has to be tiring having to go where ever it is you go to get me food. And Ironhide still seems a bit hesitant around me. I guess I was just worried I was starting to over stay my welcome or something like that." Ratchet shook his head.
"Ironhide does not feel he has yet made up for his actions upon your arrival here. He merely feels guilty. Give him time. He will come around. As for over staying your welcome, this is your home now. At least, until we can get you back home." He said the last part a bit stiffly, as if he had to say it, but didn't want to.
The comment did send me for a bit of a loop. I adverted my gaze. Home. When I thought about that word, thought about where home was, I had started to think of this place. Especially now. They had built me an apartment. Not only that, but what about Sunstreaker? It hadn't even been a full week since we had started dating. We hadn't exactly gotten to hang out much, or at all really, as the 'Cons had gotten rally active. They were up to something. Sunstreaker was a good warrior, so it made sense that he was always picked to go out into battle. What would happen to us when I did go home? What would happen to him? I've heard about long distance relationships, but interdimensional? That was just pushing it. I sighed, immediately catching Ratchet's attention.
"What is it?" I glanced up at him.
"I, I was just thinking. That's all." I wasn't sure if I should tell him. I didn't know how he would react. I had been thinking a lot as of late about how I was more comfortable in this place then I was in my own dimension. I mean, I felt seen. He one thing that seemed to always be just beyond my reach. I would always ask myself if I was given the chance to go home, to go back to my dimension, the one where I was a ghost, lost and forgotten. The one where I was a stranger within my own family. Where no matter how hard I tried to get noticed, by anyone really, I was always overlooked. My heart told me no. I wouldn't. My head told me it would be the right thing to do. I didn't want to go back. Plain and simple.
I heard the ruffling of clothes, then a hand pulled my face up. "About what?" Ratchet was kneeling in front of me. I looked back at the table where my food sat forgotten. My appetite had long left me.
"It's nothing. Okay?" I tried to keep my voice even, but he didn't buy it.
"It is very much something. Now, please tell me. I will not judge you. I have not yet, have I?" I shook my head.
"No. You haven't." I mumbled. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I had been trying so hard as of late to keep my walls down when there was only Ratchet, Ironhide and Sunstreaker around. After all I had promised to. It took everything I had not to put them up, but I wanted him to see, if he could, just how much I meant it. I opened my eyes and looked directly into his unnaturally blue ones. "I want to stay." My voice was quiet. Barely above a whisper, but I knew he had heard me. His eyes had widened. His expression shifted to shock. "I want to stay." I said louder, more confidently.
"Am I interrupting something?" We both looked towards the door. Ratchet dropped his hand from my face and stood up, almost blocking the visitor from view. I merely let my gaze drop to the floor.
"O-optimus!?" Ratchet seemed a bit flustered.
"It has been sometime since I had lasted visited our guest." He explained, talking a few steps towards us. "I had some free time, so I thought I would stop by. I do hope I am not interrupting something." Immediately my walls slammed back into place and my usual persona was where it should be.
"Not at all. We were just talking. That's all." I could feel Ratchet staring at me. I could almost feel the scowl. Optimus seemed to blink in surprise at the sudden change in my demeanor.
"Katie." Ratchet warmed. I looked over at him, giving him an innocent look as I tilted my head in confusion.
"What?" I said, confusion laced in tone. It caused Ratchet to blink in surprise before he shifted to scowling at me.
"Enough of that." He said, crossing his arms across his chest. I continued to give him a confused look. "Stop that. Now."
"Have I missed something?" Optimus said, confused.
"No." Ratchet said, still scowling at me. "It is just something we are working on." Optimus glanced between us still confused. Ratchet sighed. "She tends to do this when other people are present. Her personality shifts, masking how she is really feeling. She has gotten better, dropping it around Ironhide and I, but she refuses to around anyone else." Ratchet explained, obviously annoyed. I smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry. I am trying. Really! I am!" It sounded kinda whiney, but also innocent, far to innocent.
"I, see." Optimus said. "You do not yet trust us?" He asked me. My eyes grew wide and I shook my head.
"No! It's not that at all! I'm afraid it's just a defense I have." I smiled at him reassuringly, though I felt like doing the opposite. "It's more or less something I developed growing up to protect myself. People are less likely to harass you if you seem like a happy go lucky idiot." I shrugged nonchalantly, as if the information wasn't all that important, as if it held no weight at all. I smiled at him again. "It's nothing to worry about. Really." I could see Ratchet almost bristling from my explanation. Optimus on the other hand, looked shocked, or disturbed. I really couldn't tell.
"That does not sound like nothing." He finally said, setting Ratchet off.
"It's not! It's unhealthy! Unnatural even!" Optimus smiled at the outburst, turning to face me.
"It's rare to get him to so worked up without any physical injuries present. I am glad to see that you are getting along. There were several that expressed there concern. They were not sure if he was Guardian material." Ratchet fumed at that. I giggled and shook my head.
"I honestly think no one would be able to replace Ratchet. He has been wonderful. Even before he officially was my Guardian." He nodded his head.
"I am glad to hear that. Now, I know it may not be my place, but I am curious. What was this about wanting to stay?" I froze, my mind trying to generate some kind of response.
"Um, well, it's nothing really. Just wishful thinking. That's all. Nothing important." Nothing that they should worry about. It's not about what I want, after all. I would go back. I know I would. If the way was opened to me, I would walk through. It was my duty and I always preformed my duty. No matter how much it broke me. No mater how much it hurt in the end. I would do it. I would find a way to keep going. I always did.
"'Nothing'?" Ratchet practically yelled. I tried not to flinch. I could feel my walls cracking. Couldn't we just drop the subject? "It is most definitely not nothing! It is a life changing decision! It is not just something you decide without thinking of the consequences!" He continued to rant and rant. Optimus looked like he was trying to keep up with what his friend was saying, but he was lost.
"Ratchet." I said quietly, calmly. He didn't seem to hear me. I stood up, took a deep breath, and tried to ignore Optimus' eyes on me. I covered the distance between Ratchet and I in a few small steps. I reached up and covered his mouth with my hands. "I have thought about it. More then anyone could probably ever realize." I let go of him. His eyes spoke the words he couldn't seem to form.
"I apologize, but could please explain to me what has Ratchet so upset?" I sent Optimus a small smile, sad and tired. My walls had crumbled and I was going to need all my energy to stay calm, so I didn't put them back up. Optimus seemed taken aback once more at the rapid change in my demeanor. Couldn't blame him. I tended to send people on an emotional roller coaster ride when they caught me at the right moment.
"I want to stay here. In this dimension." There was no point in sugar coating things. Not at this point.
"Katie! Think about this! What about your family? The life you had there?" Ratchet said. He sounded conflicted.
"Ratchet is right. It is not a decision one should make lightly." Optimus added. I laughed. It wasn't rueful or sarcastic, dry or anything like that.
"Ratchet, you should know better." He looked at me surprised. "Every decision I have made here hasn't been made lightly." Ratchet looked away, seeming to understand what I was talking about.
"That was different." He muttered.
"No it wasn't. It was a decision that would have resulted in finality. I thought about it in depth before I tried to commit suicide." he flinched at my words, Optimus did as well. "This isn't any different. I have thught about it long and hard. I'd tell you to ask Metroplex, but considering that only I can hear him, it's a moot point, but I've even spoken to him about it on some of the nights I couldn't sleep."
"But it's your home!" I shook my head and smiled at him.
"It stopped feeling like home a long time ago. The only place there that was home was a basement apartment barely as big as this room." I gestured to the room around us. "Optimus, you said I shouldn't make the decision lightly, I haven't. I've done a lot of thinking. Ratchet and Ironhide already know this, but I had come to start feeling like a ghost back in my dimension. I was often forgot about and overlooked. Most of the time people didn't even know I was there. Both family and friends alike. Heck, my own family has felt like a bunch of strangers for nearly a decade, and I'm only 22!"
"And you do not feel like that here?" I shook my head.
"No. Not at all. Ratchet has been there from the start. I thought his kindness would fade over time. That like everyone else, I would be forgotten about. Never once has he done so. I've been here for well over two months now. Usually I'm forgotten about 5, maybe 6 times by now, if not more. Then there's Ironhide. I will admit I have spoken to people before about wanting to die. I was told it was a phase. I actually tried once." They stood frozen, not even blinking.
"Katie..." Ratchet said, taking a small step towards me.
"I was getting bullied a lot at the time. The last real time I was noticed. Honestly, I don't know whats worse; the constant harassment or living as a ghost. Anyway, I was like 14. I had finally had enough and tried to cut my wrist. I didn't do it right. It wasn't deep enough and the slit with across my wrist, not like my recent attempt. I had failed. I was found my my sister. She didn't do much. Didn't call our parents or even make a big deal of it. Guess she thought I had scrapped it against something. Even forgot at one point what we were arguing about. My pint is, I've never had someone try so hard to keep me alive. My own family didn't try nearly as had as he did. And I will admit that Ratchet's reaction to the whole thing had me surprised." I looked away and tried to blink back the tears.
"I've never had people care so much about me. Especially this quickly. I've never once felt like I was a ghost here. And now I have more then I ever thought I could. I have a home. A place built just for me. People who care. And," I hesitated, but chose to continue. "someone who's trying to love me." I smiled at Optimus confused look. Ratchet on the other hand seemed to know exactly who I was referring to. "Optimus, Sunstreaker asked me out earlier this week." He's one of your mechs so I thought you should know. But anyway, Ratchet, you and Ironhide are everything I know my parents haven't been in a really long time. I have spent years telling myself I was wrong about them. That I was the problem. Not them. But here, you guys showed me that I was just lying to myself." I felt the tears collecting I couldn't hold them back, but I still tried. "I haven't been here long, but this place has become more my home in these short months then my home, my dimension had been in over 20 years. I, I don't want to lose that." I felt the tears run down my face. Quickly I looked away. I didn't want them to see me so vulnerable. "Optimus, I know it is not my place to request this, but if I could, even if you recover the machine that brought me here, even if it could send me back to my dimension, please let me stay. I don't want to lose the first place I've felt at home in years." I kept my eyes closed as the teas continued to fall. Silently, I waited for the verdict.