Chapter 25: Eren

Notes:

This is it... You can see that I updated the 'number' of chapters this story will have. I estimated it to 30 chapters and should stick to it, unless I need to change something major. So, yes, we'll get about 5 more chapters. One of them, the last one, will be Armin's chapter. Therefore, this chapter is officially the last 'cute' chapter we'll get between the two of them. We're entering the 'Train' taking us to the end next chapter ;) There is also no more 'Replayer' part in this fic. Last chapter was the last time either character dive in the Replayer. I sure hope you had fun reading them.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Urgh! I don't wanna see Erwin... just go home with Mike. Leave me with Levi. I feel weird. I really feel weird. I feel sick. I feel sick to my stomach like I just got off a rollercoaster too intense for me... and maybe that's exactly what it is. I feel like my stomach is upside-down. I feel like my heart is in my throat... in my mouth... by my lips... ready to spill. Spill what? I don't know. I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like my body is too big for me... like I don't know what to do with my limbs. I don't even know what do to with my mouth. I want to speak to Levi, but I don't even know what I want to tell him... The way he clenches his fist and his jaw firmly really doesn't help. He doesn't really look like he's doing fine either. I feel like I need to reach out to him when he walks into the apartment... I feel like I need to touch him and tell him I love him suddenly, yet I can't make myself reach out to him. This isn't my Levi. I need to make sure this Levi is mine... for sure.

Just leave.

They all sit at the table and they all talk... they talk, but I don't hear a thing. Let me be alone with Levi, I think that's what I want, but then I don't even know what I'd do if we were alone. I get nervous. Can I touch him? Fuck. I'm Eren. I am him. I just... I always thought I was him. I always knew, but I didn't know this is what Eren was. I didn't know Eren was broken like this. I didn't know Eren went through all this and I didn't know about the filthy girl... Ah. No. Don't think about that, Eren. It makes me feel weird... like I'm disgusting... like I am not myself... like suddenly need to erase all traces someone else on me using Levi. To drown her with him. I can't. Not now. Can I even touch Levi, now? I mean... I'm still 'that' Eren.

Just leave.

Why is Levi sitting so far away from me anyway? Does he not want to be with me? He thinks it's gross to, uh? He thinks I'm full of fucked up diseases Hanji injected in me, uh? He thinks I'm just some kind of Lab Rat, uh? He thinks I betrayed him, uh? He looks upset. He's not even looking at me, but his stance is rigid. I swear, Mike is looking over at me more than he is... What the fuck, Levi? Don't be like that... I... It's not my fault. It's not like that. I never wanted this.

Just leave.

Am I overthinking this? Stop talking to them, Levi. I feel worse each passing second. I feel like my blood is boiling in my veins. Irritated. Annoyed. I should just... go home or something. I'll just go home. It's O.K. I'll ask Jean for weed and it'll calm me down. You won't even know. No more restlessness. No more urge to break everything. No more need to claim you like it's my last chance... It's not. I know it's not. Fuck. I know this world is real and you're not going anywhere... neither am I. I just need it. I need it for all the wrong reasons, probably, but I still do. I don't care if I'm not as strong and as tall as Erwin Smith, right now. I'll get it done.

Just leave.

I find myself staring at you... and, while I tell myself I do it absently, I know I'm not. I stare at your lips when you talk. At the little pin under your lips. I stare at your eyes when they shift between Erwin and Mike... and sometimes, they go over me. I probably don't look very happy right now. I probably look like shit... an angry shit, or something. Get the message and make them leave. I don't care what you do. I can't even understand a word that is said. I feel like my brain is going on repeat over all I saw in the Replayer. The view from the walls. Armin's breakdown in the hallway. The ceiling of my bedroom with my best friend mourning over Erwin... like I should have. The stone walls between the burned person and me. It wasn't Levi. It was never Levi. Yet, I believed it was him. Hanji. The experiments. More experiments. The wall again. More and more experiments which don't even make sense now that I think about it. The girl and the way the image of Levi shatters when I realize it's her. Just her and not him. Then, at last, I return to the damn empty room next to me... and the loop starts again. No. Stop. Think about something else. Look at Levi... and think of something else, but it doesn't work. I want to kick everyone out. I want to scream. Oh god. I want to scream and to break something... I feel like the room is too small. I feel like the air is stuffy. Now, I feel like my body is too small for me. I don't want it anymore.

Just leave, already!

...but they aren't. I don't know if Levi's trying to get them to leave. They moved to the entrance and it seems to last forever. Does it really take that long to leave? I'm starting to see Levi getting tired as he leans against the wall, but he keeps his usual neutral expression. I just know from the way he crosses his arms over his chest and looks bored... more bored, I guess.

Fuck it.

''I'm... I'm going to take a shower,'' I say and it's probably the brightest idea I've had since I entered the apartment. Water is going to calm me down. Soap is going to wash me clean of all the filth I feel... but isn't really there, right?

So, I find myself naked in the bathroom... looking at myself as if I'm wondering if I'm any different. I'm not. I'm the same as I was just before I sat in that machine. I just feel different. Slightly different... inside.

I really don't know how long I stay in the shower... just there. I'm done washing myself. I've been done for a while now. I'm just there with my head against the wall and the water dripping down on me. Washing over me. I stay like that until the water becomes too cold for me to handle. No more hot water. So, I get out still not feeling better. I find the apartment empty, except for Mikasa sleeping soundly in her room. I find myself wondering if Levi will come back... and I find myself freaking out as if he's not going to come back... ever. Unable to breathe. Unable to even get dressed. Fuck. I sit by the edge of the bed to help myself put my damn boxers on, but I can't seem to get my 2nd foot in the right part. I don't get it. My brain is fuzzy. My hands are trembling. Stop it. Don't freak out... Levi isn't far. He probably just went outside with them for a second and he'll come back. There's nothing to worry about.

Oh, maybe he just went out for a cigarette.

And that's how I end up on Levi's balcony to look for him with my boxers around my left ankle... and with Levi opening the front door behind me. As expected, he's been smoking. He has his pack of cigarettes and lighter in his hand... and I cross the distance between us before he even gets the chance to remove his boots and put his stuff on the counter. It's weird how sometimes you barely notice anything, but other times... you notice everything. I notice everything. Right now, I think I notice everything at that exact moment. I notice how the boots he never tied fly off his feet and how he gets entangled in them and almost falls to his ass while I knock him against the wall. I notice how the pack of cigarettes hits the ground and cigarettes crash directly to the ground. I notice how he looks surprised. I notice how the lighter makes a thud sound when it hits the floor. I notice how the entrance is a mess... yet, I barely notice how his head knocks against the wall when he loses balance. I just push his hips against mine and we crash against the wall, that's the only reason why he doesn't fall to the ground. I barely notice the way he hisses in pain... I just know his teeth are in the way when I kiss him... and I'm desperate to touch him and to make sure he's real... like he'll vanish... like I'll vanish because I don't belong in this world.

He tells me to calm down... or something like that, but I don't get it. I don't register. I just lift him off the ground even more. I just grind my hips against his roughly and I hear the sound he makes more than the way he tells me to drop him to the ground... or that I need to cool down. I just took a shower with no hot water... I'm cool enough. I don't need to think when it's like this. I just need to get him out of his clothes. I just need to drop him on the bed to pull off his pants completely before crashing on the bed with him... and I can just bury my face in his neck to smell him. Fuck. Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so desperate? Stop it!

This isn't going to help me... I shouldn't even touch him. I shouldn't even be rough with him. I have no right to be rough with him... not now. I'm just... I'm just not feeling like myself. I'm just...

''Eren...'' He calls. It's too gentle. I don't even deserve this. I tried to get my way with him because I wanted to forget the dungeon... and the loneliness, but this isn't going to fix any of it, right? ''You're crying...''

He says it like he doesn't even understand it.

''I'm... '' I'm not? Yeah, that's what I'm about to say, but I see it now. My vision is blurry. My cheeks are wet and it won't stop. I just won't stop. I'm crying on his neck. I'm crying like a baby... and it's ridiculous, because I'm naked with my boxers around one ankle between the legs of my naked lover that I undressed in a rush and I'm crying on top of him. I'm fucking crying. This is wrong on so many levels. I'm so wrong. The horrible feeling is back... Again, like my heart is going up my throat. ''I'm sorry.''

''Hey...'' He calls out quietly and gently... while he caresses my hair in a soothing manner. ''There's nothing to apologize for...''

There's so much I need to apologize for, Levi. Oh my god. So much. This is so wrong. I just... I just feel like... I'm fucked up. I'm messing it all up. It's so fresh in my mind. I feel like you'll go away because you saw it, because you don't want this Eren anymore... I feel lonely even though we're touching. This isn't how I want it. I need to apologize. I can't force myself on you... I can't slam you against the door because I can't control myself. I just can't... I'm... I'm really sorry. I know I dropped you on the bed and parted your legs roughly just because... I could and I shouldn't have done that. Yet, you stay there and you move your hand to my back... to my side. You draw circles all over my skin and you close your eyes... It's almost as if you're sleeping and I find myself uncomfortable.

I shouldn't be here. I'm a sobbing mess... and it's not even because of what I just did, it's because I realize I don't even deserve this and I feel horrible. I'm just... ''I didn't mean to do that.''

Silence. He stops his soothing circles for an instant... like he's actually getting conscious of what I'm apologizing for, but then he says the most simple thing ever: ''I know...''

''I didn't mean to get that girl pregnant, Levi... I really didn't.''

''I know...'' It's alright.

''I didn't mean to forget.''

''I know.''

''I didn't want to... I didn't want to remember...'' I manage to choke at last and I think that's the one thing I really needed to get off my chest. The one thing threatening to spill from my mouth. It wasn't my heart, it was this. I just... I really didn't want to remember any of it. I forgot because it was too much... I still don't think I can deal with this, Levi. I can't. Look what I just did because I couldn't keep it together. I've been freaking out the moment you get out of my sight... I've been on you the moment I see you to make sure you are there... and mine. To drown it all. To forget it all. This isn't right, Levi... It really isn't.

''I know...'' He breathes out while pushing me slightly so he could see me while he continues. ''But... I'm glad. I'm glad you survived. I'm glad I got to meet you again... and I think you really needed to remember.''

''No... No! I didn't need it!'' My answer is stronger than I expected it to be. I find myself pushing myself off him... and off the bed to walk around it restlessly like I can't even manage to put into words how strong it is... how strongly I didn't want it to be this way. ''I wanted to go with you!''

''I know, but...''

''I wanted to see the world with you when you were traveling there!''

''I know...''

''I wanted to fight with you.''

''I know...''

I stop walking and I finally turn to see him... to see him sitting on the bed. He pulled the comforter onto his lap to cover himself, but he stayed right there to look straight at me while I walked back and forth in front of him. I stop. I turn toward him. I lean forward on the bed, pushing myself up with my arms and I shout... louder than everything I've said so far.

''I wanted to die with you on that shore... I wanted it to be me!''

And he keeps so calm, it reminds me of the way he always just stood there whenever I was screaming before... whenever I was angry, out of control and about to turn into a Titan. He was always composed. Always the same. Untouchable. That's exactly it. He's like that. He's like the rock... he doesn't budge. He just stays there. Normally, he'd tell me to stop shouting, but he doesn't. Not now.

''I know, Eren... I know, but it wasn't.''

I know. I fucking know... I just... I wish it wasn't like that. I just wish it was real. It felt real. I was sure of it until I saw it. No more shore. The Replayer shattered that vision and replaced it with a dark room in a dungeon. ''It's unfair...''

I breathe the words more than I say them, but he hears them. He covers my hand with his and he looks at me without ever glancing away. Serious. Strong.

''You survived, Eren. You managed to survive in this shithole. Even though you knew Levi was dead at the end, you still survived... Why did you survive? Why didn't you just die if you wanted to die so badly, uh?''

''I...'' I just... I didn't want to die. I just... I hoped. I always hoped. Is that the answer you want, Levi? Because I hoped. Then you'll ask me what I was hoping for and... I don't know. I hoped everything would be fixed, maybe?

For an instant, you keep quiet and you let me think it over... over and over, but you get bored. You sigh. Your head drops to the left... like you're telling me, seriously? I don't know. Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe my mind is too foggy. I'm starting to go back to my initial state... My mind wanders to the empty apartment since Erwin and Mike left. My mind wanders to the hipbones I see... peeking out from under the comforter. And to how close you are now that you are leaning forward to reach my ear because it would just make it all go away for an instant and you wouldn't feel so... out of reach.

Out of my world.

''I'll tell you why... so open you goddamned ear, brat.'' You say and you pull my head to speak by my ear when you continue: ''You wanted to seeme.''

And that's it. Just like that, he's off the bed. It's like he noticed how my eyes were starting to check him out too much or something. He puts one of his huge t-shirts he always wears to sleep on first and... No more ass to check out while he walks about to get boxers. I feel the sentence holds in the air between us... I wanted to see him. It's not his ego speaking. It's real. It's true. I wanted to see him. I hoped I would see him... and I did. I fucking did it. He stands there like he's waiting for me to get it... to finally get it. To turn the tables around. To stop feeling depressed over this... To feel like I won, because I fucking did. Levi was dead. He was long dead and I wasn't going to meet him again... I wasn't supposed to, but I did.

Is that it, Levi? Is that why your lips curl into a little smile at the corners? Because I fucking made it. It doesn't erase what happened, but it gives it a purpose... and I feel better. I feel like I deserve this Levi. I deserve him. I did it all for him, to reach him. I smile back at him. It's a small smile... not quite sure of itself, but it's still a smile and he responds with:

''I wanted to see you too...''

-x-

''There was this lake... it was a big ass lake, bigger than all the ones I had seen and I thought it was the ocean. It wasn't the ocean, of course, but I thought it was.'' He tells me and I like how animated he gets when he speaks. He doesn't say much and he doesn't really express much. He's just laying on his stomach keeping his upper body up with his arms and pillows. He looks the same as usual, but it's all in the eyes... his eyes. I wish I could've seen it, but I also love to hear him talk about it. I can imagine him with his green cloak stopping to look at this huge lake thinking it's the ocean. ''It wasn't too far from the walls... but not too close either. The forest was thick. The trees were kind of big all around it too.''

There's a pause in his story... and I know it's not because I'm distracting him with my fingers drawing circles on his thighs. It can still pass as 'unintentional' or something. I just started and I'm listening. I really am. I was the one to ask for him to tell me about it.

''Big enough to build a house...'' He finally says and I lift my eyes from his round ass and the curve of his back in this position... to his eyes.

''A house?''

''Yeah... a house.''

''You wanted a get a house built there?''

''Yes. Are you listening or are you just trying to get your hand under my clothes?''

''Ooh...'' Oh. Yeah, I mean, it's just a little bit. I just lifted your shirt a little and I barely started to run my hand up your side. I don't know. I just feel glad now. I'm glad I got you. I'm glad I feel less shitty... and, well, better. I feel all giddy and happy because you're here telling me about your travels when you went on that last expedition like I asked you to and you're right next to me all relaxed and just... there. ''I'm listening! Keep going!''

''Fine...'' You sigh and then... I feel stupid, because you say: ''I don't know... It felt like a nice place for us to have a house. By the water. With all the trees around it. With a wharf... and I thought you'd do some fishing, you know. I also thought of a garden. Oh and the bedroom! The bedroom would be facing the water with French doors always open... so it would smell like the forest, and the water because of the wind.''

And I find myself grinning like an idiot at the words 'us' and at everything after that... Every single thing. I bury my face in your neck and I cover it with kisses, even your shoulders, but it's mostly because I feel happy... too happy... too embarrassed. I don't want you to see how stupidily happy I suddenly feel. I could be depressed because we never did get the chance to have any of this, but I'm not. You taught me not to be. So I just kiss you and kiss you, and kiss you. I just get even closer to your side. I just caress your back softly.

I just say the truth.

''It sounds great...''

It really does. I close my eyes and I can imagine it a little bit. I can see myself turning around from my spot on the wharf to see him on the shore... by the house.

''I actually had a little idea of how I actually wanted the house to be...'' He says and I feel the smile in his voice. I feel the smile he probably hides with the pillow.

''Draw it.''

''I can't draw for shit...''

I remember the drawing on the board back when he was talking about how they'd deal with me if I ever went... out of control. It was awful, but a couple lines can't hurt. I want to see it. I want to see it like you see it. So I find myself getting up and rushing to his library and I come back with a small notepad and a pencil, before I drop back next to him on the bed and give it to him.

''Quickly! Just a quick layout of it.''

He sighs and I actually have to force the pencil into his hand before he finally draws anything. Let's be honest. It's not a very 'clear' drawing. His water look likes some kind of fire and I'm a little bit confused at first. Well, until he explains it all.

And I like it.

And I wish I was living there with him.

He even added a room for Mikasa at the end and I don't mention it. I don't need to. He's just adapting it all to his current situation. I just kiss his cheek and put my hand back under his shirt... right on his warm skin and I ask him:

''Why not?''

To which he answers with another, but affirmative... ''Why not.''

Notes:

Can you believe... Levi went from someone considering that Levi and he, himself, were two different persons to... One person. He also went from someone who didn't want Eren around and didn't want to admit ANYTHING regarding how he felt toward Eren... to someone who turned the table around on Eren to make him feel like he belonged in this world/time as much as him... and with him. =)

Yay for the house! You'll hear more about that house, trust me!