Chapter 25
My lesbian goddess who art in heaven.
Ellen, be thy name.
I want to come.
And have lots of fun.
The number of orgasms I'm aiming to have...eleven.
Amen!
Can I also get a hallelujah!
That's right, my dry spell is still in tact.
Score!
Well, that's a bit of misnomer, isn't it.
Because I'm not scoring at all.
At all!
I had a great time with Jessie and Glen yesterday, even though my brother was a bit of a Debbie Downer.
Totally understandable though.
So, in order to cheer Glen up, we decided to turn our Top Model marathon into a margarita party.
Ole!
That was my idea!
I'm so brill!
Jessie and Glen returned to work first to get a few things tied up and then they came over for our fiesta.
I may have started the party a wee bit early, however.
In my defense, I had to ensure that the margaritas were perfection and that involved some taste-testing ahead of time.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Needless to say, when my two partners in crime showed up, I was a tad buzzed.
And hour into our get together I was totally wasted.
But I had such a blast!
At one point, we decided to make Glen over and that resulted in Jessie and I dipping into my makeup so we could give my brother a new look.
And what a look it was!
Tee hee!
Glen was sort of pissed when he woke up but he really was a good sport about the whole thing.
Plus, he looked awesome!
Actually he didn't really. My brother is one ugly girl.
Then the three of us decided to have an impromptu dance competition.
I totally won, by the way!
I did!
Well, in my mind I did.
And that's of course when Ashley decided to come home.
She walked in with Kyla to find the three of us drunk out of our minds, dancing and Glen looking like such a diva.
We were quite a sight to behold.
Ashley and Kyla managed to get Jessie and Glen in cabs because obviously they couldn't drive themselves home.
Meanwhile, I formed the most amazing idea in my head.
I rushed upstairs, stripped and waited for Ashley spread eagle on our bed.
I knew there was no way she could resist me like that.
It was a perfect plan.
Except for one thing.
No, Kyla did not find me.
Thank God!
But I did happen to pass out waiting for my girl.
So, she walked in our bedroom to find me stark naked and completely out of it.
Stupid me!
I'm almost positive that if I had been awake we would have ended our sexless streak.
I'm never drinking again!
Never!
Ever!
Yeah, right.
Even I know that's a lie.
Thankfully I did not wake up with a hangover this morning but I did wake up just as sex deprived as I was yesterday.
And the day before.
And the day before that.
Sigh.
Ashley and her shadow have plans again today so that leaves me all by lonesome.
What else is new!
Sniff.
Actually, I was invited along with them but politely declined.
I so deserve some sort of medal when Ashley is done with her sister bonding time.
"Where you waiting long?" my mom asks as she sits down across from me.
I made lunch plans with her today.
I was going to go to her place but I figure she could use some pampering. So after lunch, we're heading to get massages and facials.
My treat.
I'm such a good daughter!
As as side note, I could get really used to this life of leisure.
It's awesome!
"Not at all," I lie. She seems kind of stressed out and I want this day for her to be about relaxation. "Everything ok?"
My mom nods but there's something about her smile that seems forced. "How are things with Ashley and Kyla?"
Awful!
Kyla's a pussy blocker!
A big one!
Of course, I'm not going to tell my mom that.
"Really well," I reply sincerely. Besides the obvious frustration I'm feeling, the two of them are getting on famously. "I hope you aren't missing her company too much."
Smooth segue, Carlin.
Real smooth.
Because I'm about to bring up the real reason for our day together.
"I know things with you and Dad have been kind of tense lately," I continue oh-so casually. "And I know that having Kyla there was nice for you."
In the brief moments when I'm not cursing Kyla for being born, I have had the chance to talk to her a little bit about what's happening with my parents.
I can tell she was trying to be diplomatic but there is definitely something awry with those two.
My mom attempts to put on a poker face, but I can see through it.
Poker!
I hardly even know her.
Sorry.
So not the time.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," my mom replies, even though she so does. "Your dad and I are fine."
Whatever.
She's not fooling me!
"Mom," I start in my serious voice, "You can talk to me about what's going on. Maybe I can help."
Oh my God!
What if there's a third party involved in this situation?
Oh my God!
That would be awful.
Especially considering my parents never have sex!
Ew!
I've gone to a very bad place.
I picture Ashley naked to make me go back to happier thoughts.
I'm lucky I still remember what she looks like sans clothes.
Back to the more important and pressing topic.
As I was thinking, there better not be a third party involved in all of this! I would like to give my parents the benefit of the doubt so that's what I'm going to do.
"There's nothing to talk about," my mom says while avoiding eye contact with me. "We're fine."
Yeah right, and I'm straight!
Oh my God!
I would never want to be straight.
That would deprive me of sex with Ashley!
That would be awful!
Although, I'm not really getting sex with Ashley now.
I'm a born-again virgin!
"I'm not a little kid anymore," I tell my mom. "You don't have to protect me."
I could really use a drink, my mom is stressing me out so much!
Not to worry!
I know that's the solution to this problem.
I'll let the subject drop for the time being because I want to my mom to enjoy her spa day, but that doesn't mean I'm letting this go.
One way or another I will get to the bottom of this mystery!
Ashley has a really nice bottom!
I'm so hopeless.
And I wouldn't have it any other way!
Wow.
I am so relaxed.
I haven't felt this stress-free in forever.
I had a great time with my mom today even if I'm no closer to helping her and my dad.
That's ok, I have tons of time on my hands right now to get those crazy kids on the same page again.
Super Spence to the rescue!
Did I mention how relaxed I am?
Mmmmmmmm.
Maybe I have time to squeeze in a nap before dinner.
I unlock the front door and I'm barely inside before an angry looking Ashley greets me.
"Where the fuck have you been?" she barks.
Uhm.
Ok.
I have no clue what's going on.
I'm so confused!
"Uhm, I was with..." I start but I don't get the chance to finish my sentence.
"No, seriously, where the fuck you have you been?" She's making her way over to me and I have to admit, I'm a tiny bit scared. "I've been trying to reach you for over an hour."
An hour?
What the fuck is going on?
I pull my Blackberry out of my purse before Ashley starts yelling again.
Oops!
I had my phone on vibrate!
Silly me!
I bet Ashley is going to have such a laugh when I tell her the truth.
Or, you know, tear my head off.
I'm not really worried that something is seriously wrong because I don't think Ashley would be so mad at me if that was the case.
Still, she is acting really out of character for her.
"I'm sorry," I say with a smile and head tilt, "I must have accidentally turned the ringer off and..."
Ashley is now right in front of me but she still looks super pissed. "Turned the fucking ringer off? And that's somehow going to make things better? What the fuck, Spence?"
Uhm.
Ok.
Did my woman have a personality transplant or something?
"I'm sorry," I squeak out because I have no clue what else to say.
"Sorry?" Ashley repeats a lot louder than I said it. "Sorry? Do you think that's going to make everything ok?"
What in the blue hell is going on?
I'd laugh if I wasn't so terrified that Ashley has gone off her rocker.
I didn't do anything wrong!
I'm an innocent!
All of sudden Ashley moves right in front of me and her hands go on either side of my head.
I'm sure my eyes are bugged out in fear.
Maybe I'm dreaming?
"I managed to get Aiden to take Kyla out for a few hours," Ashley begins with gritted teeth, "so you and I could have a few hours to ourselves and you pull a fucking disappearing act on me. Do you have any fucking idea how frustrated I am right now?"
Aw!
Ashley has missed me!
What a sweetie!
Still, I can't believe she's so angry at me for not answering my phone. Honestly, the temper on that girl is...
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
What did she say?
What the fucking hell did she just say?
Oh my god!
My stupid fucking phone!
It nearly ruined Ashley's amazing, stupendous, genius, wonderful plan!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
I knew today was going to be the best day ever when I woke up!
I had a such a good feeling!
"Was there anything specific you wanted to do with our alone time?" I ask coyly.
Oh!
Yeah!
I smirk at my brunette hottie because I'm that damn good.
Tee hee.
Ashley doesn't respond with words, instead she lets out the sexiest fucking growl in the history of the world.
And I nearly orgasm on the spot.
That's how ready I am.
So fucking ready.
Oh, I'm sorry, is my potty mouth offensive?
Well, too fucking bad!
Because in about two seconds it's about to be put to use in the best of ways.
Fuck yeah it is!
My lips barely touch Ashley's when our front door swings open and in walks Aiden and Kyla.
No!
No!
No!
What the fuckity fuck!
Why are they back already?
Who gave them a fucking key?
And what did I do to deserve the worst luck in the world?
Look at stupid Kyla smiling at me like she's not the most evil person ever!
Fuck!
I hate her!
Gah!
I'm really losing control!
But not in the right way!
I chance a glance at Ashley and she looks as ticked off as I feel.
"Did we come at a bad time?" Aiden asks with an incredibly amused look on his dumb face.
You think?
Asshole!
Oh Aiden, you are so lucky that I still feel bad about my brother breaking your heart or I'd inflict some serious bodily harm on you right now.
Ashley takes a few steps back from me and I nearly cry out in disappointment.
One minute I was flying so high.
And the next minute I was crashing into the ground.
Fuck!
"We could come back later," Kyla suggests.
What an amazing idea!
Such an amazing idea I could kiss her!
Not literally!
My kisses are saved for only one woman!
"No, that's ok," Ashley replies for some unknown reason.
What the fuck?
Now I'm the one who's angry!
I look over at Ashley and I can tell she wanted to say the opposite but feels it would be rude to basically kick Aiden and Kyla out for sex.
It so wouldn't!
Ok, ok, ok. I can maybe see her point if I wasn't so devastated to have something I've wanted for so long cruelly taken away from me.
"Did you guys have a good afternoon?" Ashley asks as all of us head to the kitchen.
By the way, I have no idea when Aiden and Kyla bonded enough for them to go out alone together.
I will have to ask Ashley about that later.
After we've fornicated for hours on end.
"Oh my God!" Aiden squeals with a clap of his hands. "You have to hear Kyla sing, she's amazing."
Really?
I had this feeling she'd be really awful or something.
Not sure why, just a feeling.
Ashley arches her eyebrow at Aiden in that sexy way she does that makes me want to rip all her clothes off. "You think Kyla sings better than me?"
I know she's only teasing.
For the most part.
Kyla seems to be embarrassed because they're talking about her like she's not in the room.
I might have sympathy for her if I didn't hate her so much.
What?
"No, you dumbass, I don't," Aiden assures his friend. "Don't be such an insecure idiot."
Normally I'd find their bantering kind of cute.
But my thoughts are way to dirty to really focus on anything else.
"How come you sang for Aiden when you still haven't sung for me?" Ashely asks her sister before she takes a bit of an apple.
Fuck!
That's so sexy!
I really need to crank the air conditioning because I'm so hot!
"It wasn't like that," Kyla assures Ashley. "I just started singing along to a song on the radio and for some reason Aiden started freaking out."
"I did not freak out!" Aiden protests. He's not very convincing though because he starts clapping his hands again in that oh-so-gay way that my brother loved.
Speaking of Glen, Aiden doesn't seem all that affected by their conversation from the other night.
Hmmmmmm.
I'll have to ask Ashley about that later as well.
Ashley gets up and I don't know where she's going.
I'd follow her but I'm almost positive I'd do naughty things to her that shouldn't be done when we have company over.
Stupid company!
Aiden tells me about his afternoon with Kyla without realizing I don't really care.
What?
Ok, ok, ok. I do sort of care but not today.
Not today!
Not when I missed out on sexy time with Ashley!
It's going to take me ages to get over my missed opportunity.
Ages!
Ashley returns with Kyla's guitar case.
She's not really giving her sister much choice in regards to putting on a concert for us, is she?
Kyla looks visibly nervous.
"I'm not really used to playing in front of people," she confesses.
Didn't she move out here to have a music career?
Not really the best idea if you have stage freight, Einstein!
Wow, I am such a bitch!
Lucky for me nobody knows what I'm thinking, or I'd be in big trouble.
"We're not people, we're family," Ashley says stubbornly.
Aw!
How cute is she!
And might I add, she's a very bossy older sister!
I do enjoy her bossy side.
Fuck yeah I do!
Kyla smiles and it's clear that she was touched by Ashley's words.
The three of us give Kyla our full attention as we wait for the show to begin.
I pull my chair up beside Ashley and then I put my hand in hers.
Even if I can't have what I really want right now, I can be close with my girl.
She gives a really warm smile and then she gives my hand a squeeze.
Aw!
I love how she doesn't show any visible signs of being jealous of Kyla.
That's an improvement!
I sort of forget what we're doing and begin to eye fuck Ashley.
I can't help myself!
I have no control when it comes to her.
Kyla, of course, chooses that moment to start playing her song.
Awesome timing as per usual, Ms Woods!
That girl is really starting to work my last nerve!
It takes a few seconds for her to actually start singing and when she does, I understand why Aiden freaked out when he her sing.
The girl has some serious talent.
Obviously not as much as Ashley, but there's no doubting that she takes after her father.
She has a completely different sound than Ashley and her style is a lot more mellow than Ashley's rock style.
But she's good.
Really good.
And it's clear that Ashley feels the same way.
That is until she gets up in the middle of Kyla's performance
Uhm.
Ok.
What's up with her now?
"I'll be right back," she announces rather cryptically. Luckily, Ashley decides to explain herself fully before she leaves so as not to induce panic in a certain blonde who shall remain nameless. "I have to call Stan right now."
Oh, I see.
Aw!
How amazing is she?
"Who's Stan?" Kyla asks in confusion.
"Ash's record producer," Aiden tells her before I get a chance to.
Kyla still seems lost.
"It's safe to say you'll be getting a shot at a record deal sooner than you thought," I explain as I give Kyla a sincere smile.
I really do like her on some level.
I just need to have sex first before I can fully appreciate Kyla.
Ok, that sounds a lot weirder than I meant it to.
Kyla doesn't appear to be at all happy at that news. "No, I don't want it like this."
Say what?
I'm really close to blurting out something I'll regret later.
"I don't want a shot because I'm Ashley's sister," Kyla clarifies, "I want to do this on my own."
Oh.
I guess that makes some sense.
Still, she shouldn't kick a gift horse in the mouth.
Wait.
I don't think that's right.
Oh well.
"Nobody is going to give you a recording contract because you're related to someone famous," I tell Kyla even though that's not a hundred percent true. "Let me offer you some free career advice, take any opportunity that comes your way because you never know when you'll get another one."
I can tell Kyla is skeptical.
"Stan isn't going to do anything unless he thinks you're marketable," I explain. Sounds cold, but it's true. He's doesn't run a charity. "Ashley wouldn't do this for you unless she thought you had talent."
I've still got skills!
Because I think I said exactly the right thing to Kyla.
Go me!
I haven't lost my touch when it comes to closing a deal.
Now if I can close a deal with Ashley later, I'll be even happier.
A few minutes later, Ashley returns to the kitchen looking like the conversation with Stan went the complete opposite of good.
Uh oh.
Poor Kyla!
Her expectations were lifted and now they'll be crushed.
That's got to suck!
"What happened?" I ask even though I already know the answer.
"He wants Kyla to sing for him right away," Ashley responds, albeit with some reluctance.
Why does she look like that's bad news?
"But he's on the way to New York tonight and he wants Kyla and me to go with him." She finishes without making eye contact.
That has to be the worst news ever!
Fuck my life!
Fuck it all to hell!