Chapter 25 - It Has To Be This Way. I'm Sorry.

I felt the side of the bed weigh down and Mickie place her hands on my head and stroke my hair away I looked to see Mickie holding up some tissues. I smiled at her and took one out wiping my tears away. I tried to fight with my emotions but with the prospect of what I was about to do was weighing heaving on my heart it was hard not to let the tears fall. It was not only completely insane but could very well be damaging to my health. Great I finally give up smoking again and I find another way to seriously affect my heath. I sat up in the bed and looked at Mickie "am I crazy for what I'm doing Mickie?"

"It's not my place to say whether or not it's crazy"

"am I doing the right thing?"

"Babe, it's not my place, to tell you that either, but whatever you decide, I'm going to be here for you okay? When are you going to do this?"

"As soon as I know he's back from the arena, I know his pissed with me for snapping at him earlier, I just… think this is the best thing for everyone; I hope no one hates me for it"

"Okay I'm going to go and see if his here, I'll text you if he is okay?" I nodded at her and laid my head back down onto the pillow, I stared up at the ceiling and tried to regain my composure. Which wasn't easy because I am kinda freaking out. Well 'kinda' probably isn't the right word. Whatever, I'm just freaking out.

Once I had regained enough of my composure I walked to my bag and pulled out my make-up, telling Mickie the truth had caused me to cry all my make-up away. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. -God I look awful- I put fresh face make-up on, starting with a layer of light foundation to take down the red blotches that now covered my face. I put on a thin layer of eyeliner and started to put on the mascara. Crying is a bitch.

I looked at my face and decided that it was at least good enough to face Randy, he probably wouldn't give a shit about how I looked, but I did. I walked into the bedroom and looked at my phone 1 new message, I took in a deep breath and opened it up, it was from Mickie, 'Randy just came in with Dave he looks upset, he's on his way up to the room. Good Luck I'll be waiting for when you get back x' I place my phone on the side, and walked out the hotel room and made my way to see Randy.

Standing outside his door, I looked down at myself still wearing my wrestling gear, I took in a deep breath and tried calming my nerves. But there was a fat chance of that. Calming my nerves. It was laughable. I needed to do this, but I didn't think I was strong enough. I didn't know what was guiding me but I knocked hard on his door. I waited for him to answer but nothing came, so I knocked harder. I heard footsteps and the door opened, I looked at Randy he smelt of smoke, he'd obviously been calming his own nerves. I wonder if that was laughable then decided it probably wasn't.

I looked up at him trying not to cry already, "hey, Randy"

"Hey"

"can I come in?" he moved aside and I walked in my heart was thumping in my chest and I could feel a lump in my throat I resisted the urge to use my hands to clutch my heart in my chest. I knew it wouldn't really beat out my chest but I still wanted to do it. "Randy I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have said the things I did to you"

"it's fine, you were upset, I understand" shit, I didn't deserve him. I really didn't

"Randy, I need you to listen to what I'm about to say, and I hope you understand what I'm about to do, it's killing me inside knowing I have to do this but I have no choice…" all the words were chocking in my throat. I didn't want to do it! God help me I don't want this!

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that, it's not the same anymore, I don't feel the same. This isn't working…" my voice broke and the tears began falling, ruining my newly applied make-up. Mascara was running down my cheeks I tried to wipe then away but they just kept coming, I shouldn't have bothered. Why didn't I predict that I would cry and there was no point putting make-up on anyway? Oh yeah, because I was about to break up with the man I love. That would be it.

"No, no, no don't do this Vicki please don't" I looked on as Randy stood up and took my hand in his. I wanted to hold on and clamp my hands down so he couldn't let go, instead I pulled away

"It's over Randy, I don't want to be with you anymore" he sat on the bed putting his face in his hands "I'm sorry. It's better this way"

"no it's not, you're lying, I know you are" he tried pulling my face to look at him but I couldn't and I jerked my head away "look at me"

"No, I can't. Your making this harder than it has to be, I'm sorry if I've hurt you, these past few months have been amazing, but it can't go on" I couldn't bare to look at him, I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to carry on, I needed to make it clear that I didn't want him, It's hard to tell someone something when you body is protesting it so much. All of my being was screaming at me for saying the things I was. I was hurting him and it killed me to know I was.

He looked at me and forced my face to look at him I looked deep into his eyes and I knew he was crushed. I hated myself, "you're lying, I know you are you don't mean that, you love me, I know you do, say it, tell me you love me"

"Randy…" I grabbed his wrists and rubbed his hand with my thumb "please don't do this, I never wanted to hurt you, and I know you're hurting now, but it will get so much better, I promise, you will be better off without me"

"I'm going to be a wreck without you, please, you don't want this…"

"I do"

"STOP LYING!" I jumped back when he advance on me grabbing my wrists firmly and shoving me in the chair. His face with right in mine, he looked angry, hurt, he looked like he wanted to hurt me, and I didn't blame him. Truth be told, I was hoping he would hit me, to at least punish me for what I was doing to him. I deserved it. Yeah, that's really what I needed a good punch.

"Randy, please understand, I never wanted to hurt you, ever. I'm doing this to prevent you from getting hurt…"

"well believe me; you're doing a really fucking shit job of it so far"

"I know Randy you should scream at me, you should hurt me, you should punch me in the face, I want you too, do it Randy, hit me" I stood up from the chair and looked at him, my face was growing red and the mascara still running down my cheeks, I could tell my face was probably black with running make-up "DO IT, HIT ME!" I screamed on the top of my lungs, I grabbed his wrists and forced him to hit my chest. I watched as Randy's eyes began to spill tears, we were both crying our eyes out, only this time it wasn't with understanding and love like it had been when I told him about Sunny, it was with hurt and anger because I was breaking both of our hearts. Fuck! Why was I always the one who was hurting people? Shi-iit.

"I'm not going to hit you" I let go of him and we looked at each other for a minute, our eyes glassy, and our faces wet "Vicki, look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me…" he held onto my face and kissed me, he was making it harder then it needed to be. Love wasn't suppose to hurt this much, Bobby had forced me to do this, but if it kept Randy safe, if it kept him from getting hurt then I was willing to do it. And I hated myself for admitting it.

But he kept kissing me, I opened my mouth and let him deepen the kiss, I wanted to savor this moment for as long as I could, because I knew we could never be together, not as long as Bobby was here, Randy would be in danger if I didn't do it. But I let him carry on kissing me; I didn't stop it because I couldn't. My body wasn't letting me quit him.

He began tugging at the top I was wearing "Randy, you have to stop… we can't" he silenced me by kissing me again, but I broke it again "don't do this Randy it's going to make everything worse, it's going to make it harder!" I raised my hand and pushed at his chest trying to put some distance between us.

"If this is the last time I get to hold you, then I want to remember it, I want you to remember it" he kissed me again, I gave in, it was wrong and I shouldn't have. But I did. He took my shirt off and threw it to the floor, he peeled away his own shirt as well, kissing me again never letting out lips part, he pulled down my bottoms and kissed me all the way up the leg, I felt myself shiver, I was recording every feeling, every sensation, he was right, I was going to remember this forever.

I unbuttoned his jeans and let them fall to the floor, he kicked them away and traced his fingers all over my body, it made me feel good, till I remembered why I was here, I had to stop this, it wasn't going to make it any easier. I put my hands to his chest and pushed him back again, "please st…" I didn't even finish before he grabbed my wrists and jerked me closer to him. He picked me up and took me over to the bed where he laid me down gently.

He climbed on top of me and kissed me done my jaw line, the muscle between my neck and shoulder, he gently took away my bra, and kissed my breast softly at first then biting me, I moan silently, I really tried not to. I didn't want to encourage him. He continued to kiss down my stomach, when he got to my panties he slowly peeled them away, pulling them down in my legs, the material brushed down my legs as they came off it made me shiver again, in anticipation, he opened my legs and kissed up my thighs, I moan again, but this time I let a small tear fall, this was the last time he'd touch me in this way. I shoved that thought aside and locked it away, it was so wrong but I was going to let myself enjoy this.

This was the last time he would make me feel this good, I let out a small gasp when he starts to kiss me again getting high and higher till he gets to the most sensitive part of my body, I cried out, I made fists into the sheets and gripped them till my knuckles turn white. He sucked, kissed and licked, it didn't matter what he did, it was making me tremble.

Just before I came, he stopped, looking up at me he again peeled down his boxers, he brought himself up so he was face to face with me. I breathed in the familiar scent of his aftershave, the one he always wore. "Randy this is going to make everything harder. This doesn't change anything"

"I just want to be able to remember. Everything." he kissed me. He reached his hand down, and pulled my leg up, wrapping it around his back he positioned himself perfectly, and with one easy motion he slides into me, like it's the most natural thing in the world, and with us, it is. I knew that this was a mistake it was going to make it harder for us to part. I shouldn't let this happen; I should have stopped it when he kissed me the first time, but all this goes out of my head when he thrusts into me again. All common sense usually does.

He steadily gets faster and faster, my head was spinning and everything around me just disappears all of the hurt I have been carrying for all those years, all the pain, all the fear. He grips onto my arms, as I sink my nails into his hip, bringing him into me deeper. I loved every second of it, but I hated it all the same. Because this was the last time I would feel like this, with anyone.

Because truthfully I could never be happy with Bobby still in my life, I could never be with anyone while he was still around, he would make sure of that. I would probably cave into him. Go back to my old ways, become a scared, dependant, drug addict who only cared about herself or getting the next fix. Yup, life back then was easy. If that wasn't a cliché I really don't know what was. I heard Randy groaning in my ear and I suddenly feel the overwhelming desire to clamp my legs around him and never let go. To just lay here with him forever, but it's never going to happen.

I raised my hips up to meet his, helping to build up that burning feeling in our stomachs, he reaches down and grabbed my hand, and I lace our fingers together, I'm trying not to shout his name, trying not to hold on for dear life. Because I knew I wouldn't let go I would hold on till I couldn't hold on no longer. I felt the heat raise up into my face as I blushed. I actually blushed. I could feel things jerking low in my body and I couldn't stop what happened next. With the final crash of our bodies I let out a gasp and as little scream as possible, and I bit down on his shoulder, but I had to let go and I called out his name, my back arched and I writhed underneath him. Randy reached up and held my face in his hands while he kissed me. He climbed off of me and propped himself up on his elbow looking down at me, I let a tear escape from my eye. I had to look away and I said the only thing I could think of "that shouldn't have happened"

"why?"

"Because I came here to end it, not fall into bed with you" Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"But you did. You can't honestly tell me you don't love me and that you still don't want to be with me" I opened my mouth to tell him he was right that I didn't want to end it, but then I thought of what would happen if I didn't. I stood up and started putting my clothes back on, he did the same, I could hear him pulling up his trousers and zipping them up.

Once I had all my clothes on I turned to see Randy looking at me. "Please don't make it end like this, we need to be together, we were meant for each other."

"No, stop lying to yourself, you'll… make… it…. WORSE!" I was steadily losing control of my emotions I was getting angry with him, angry that he wasn't just letting us end, I had it all planned out I would tell him and get the hell out before I could change my mind.

"Stop lying! I'm getting sick of it, I know you're lying to me and it's fucking killing me that you can't be honest with me! I love you and I want to help just tell me what is happening with you!" I looked at him with my mouth opening and closing, -I can't do it! It's one thing to end the relationship, while we still love each other, it's another to tell him the truth and have him hate me, I couldn't live with that-

"I have to go…" I went to leave but he grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving

"We were made for each other, you can't just walk away"

"No one is made for each other Randy, when you meet someone you learn to love them, flaws and all. Sometimes you can't help but fall out of love, and I have. I shouldn't have let that happen. It was only going to make this worse"

"no it isn't, it makes everything right. That was right, look me in the eye and tell me" he cupped my face in his hands again "you...don't…love…me" each word was said with a soft kiss. I told myself it wasn't enough. I believed it.

I reached deep down inside of me and pulled all the strength I had left, I broke the final kiss and looked him right in the eye, I couldn't believe what I was about to say "I don't love you" if this were a movie you was about to watch in slow motion the moment both of our hearts broke. I pulled his hands from my face and walked out of the door closing it behind me.

I leaned against the door and banged my head against it. I heard a crash from the other room and breaking glass. I was itching to go back in there and say "only kidding!" But I wasn't. I heard crying, shouting cursing and it was because of me, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears then I ran as fast as I could passing people in the hallway, I didn't look back as I knocked them down.

"Baby girl, what the…" I stopped and looked at John, he eyes widened with fear "fuck, what's happened?"

"I don't have time, just go to Randy please" I didn't stop to hear what else he had to say I ran from him and made my way to Mickie's room, when I got there I slammed my fists on the door "MICKIE!" I screamed and the door flew open and I rushed in. As soon as I had passed the door I threw myself on the floor and bawled my eyes out. I slammed my fists into the floor till my arm went numb

"Shh, it's okay sweetie, cry it all out, come on" she picked my head up and placed it in her lap, brushing my hair from my face, I sat and cried, I don't know how long I was there for but my throat had started to become dry and sore, my body was hurting and my heart was aching. Mickie helped me from the floor and took me to the bed, she laid me down and went over to her bag she took out a wet wipe and started to remove all the running make-up.

I felt numb to her touch, I just laid there, not moving, the tears had stopped I didn't think I could cry any longer, that was until my phone bleeped madly telling me I had a phone call, Mickie leant over and picked it up she showed me the phone. It was Bobby.

I took the phone from her and opened it not saying a word.

"How is my favorite girl doing?"
"None of your fucking business"
"Hostile are we? Did Randy dump you?" you could hear the amusement in his voice the best way to ensure he would stay away from Randy was to make him think he had dumped me. So I played along
"yeah Bobby he dumped me. Are you happy? I'm miserable, I was an idiot for thinking I could fall in love again, and that he could love me, I'm suffering, is that enough for you?"
"No. Not nearly enough. This Randy must be a smart guy, chucking you has got to be the best decision he ever made."
"What do you want? You want me to leave my life and come back to you? You want to ruin my life again? You want us to be together again?"
"I want you dead"
"okay, now we have that established, I'll see you in England… Death" I hung the phone up and threw it across the room. Mickie looked down at me.

"You can't let him win babe, you're not a teenager anymore, he can't threaten you and get away with it"

"you don't know him like I do. He won't stop till he kills me, and right now, I couldn't care less, without Randy I don't feel like I can function properly. But at least he's safe" I closed my eyes, but I couldn't sleep I heard Mickie leave the room closing the door quietly behind her. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. It was the right thing to do. I had to leave him; I wasn't going to let Randy get hurt because of me. One day I prayed to God he would understand.

I laid my head down on the pillow and started to think about what it was going to be like without waking up with him next to me, without him holding me, without him kissing me, loving me. But I had to do it, to make sure he would always be safe. I hugged myself tightly and slept thinking- It has to be this way.