XX
"Oh my sweet baby," Matthew said, pitching his voice high and cooing in his best infant friendly voice. "Time to sleep, Max." He gently rubbed the baby's tummy as the twelve week old lay in the bassinet next to the bed he and Mary shared. It was Friday…or so he thought…
His glance at the clock confirmed it was past 2am. "Oh… right… Saturday." His head was fuzzy and he blinked rapidly in the semi-darkness. His tongue felt thick and his mouth dry.
His Hilary term teaching duties kept him busy during the week but on the weekends he let Mary get all the rest she missed and took over the majority of parental duties. Mary had rearranged her schedule to work from home doing mostly planning for future projects at her firm.
It was a system they had worked out since they brought Max back to their flat in Oxford and both Cora and Isobel returned to their own lives after alternately staying with the new parents for the first couple of weeks.
He was exhausted. It had been over an hour since Mary had finished feeding Max.
She had gratefully handed over the baby to Matthew. "I'll put him down." He said, giving her a kiss. "Go back to sleep." He had stretched out a cloth over his shoulder to catch spit up and moved to take Max out of her arms.
Mary blinked rapidly and stretched out her back as she lay back down on the bed. An incoherent mumble of thanks and she immediately turned over and fell asleep.
Mary had not taken to breastfeeding as easily as she had hoped. The baby latched on and fed but she was concerned constantly about whether the child was getting sufficient nutrition.
"Matthew…" she would say, as she shifted in the rocker. Max's mouth was making sucking noises and she moved him into position under her left breast.
"What does the book say about how long he should feed?" Mary had become somewhat fascinated by baby care books, having bought or downloaded a half dozen or so.
Matthew would read out the requisite recommendation from the book, and almost inevitably, as he discovered to his amusement, Mary would then say "Well that doesn't sound right" And she would ultimately go with her gut even at the very moment she questioned the existence of such maternal instincts.
He lay on the bed, just earlier that night, watching her feed Max. This was his favorite time. The quiet of the moment. The rhythmic suckling sound of the baby. Mary's serene face as she gently laid a finger against Max's cheek and cooed sweet words.
Matthew forced himself, every once in a while, in between the running around getting laundry done or making sure they had sufficient diapers in stock, to just watch the ordinary miracle of his beloved wife and son engaging in the intimate bonding of feeding.
It was fleeting. And needed to be cherished.
Over too soon as Mary's partners clamored for her return to the office. She would have to tackle the rather daunting machine with tubes, pumps and suction attachments that had arrived that morning in the mail from Sybil who assured her sister, it was the best device for mom's who needed to lactate while at work.
But this night, Matthew simply needed the child to sleep.
He ran the gamut of all the tricks they had learned over the weeks. The burping, a diaper change, a spell in the rocker… nothing. The cloth had fallen off his shoulder and he now had gobs of white spit on his t- shirt from where Max had sneezed out through his mouth and nose.
Matthew sat in the rocker occasionally planting his head back against the headboard, eyes closed, as he continued to rub along his abdomen.
"Please." He said to himself "Please go to sleep." They had dealt with a colicky baby for several weeks now. Or maybe it was teething? Matthew did not honestly care at this point. His temperature was good and he was not sick.
Max just did not want to sleep.
Instead Max fussed. A series of gentle "mwah…. mahw…." sounds issued from the bassinet. Matthew desperately trying to decipher what his son wanted. He was fast running out of options.
"Don't wake up Mommy." He was practically begging little Max. They had walked around the living room. He turned on the white noise machine that Sybil recommended to create a soothing atmosphere.
He put him back in the bassinet. Matthew could not help but smile looking upon his most perfect child. And yet the frustration level was growing. His body screamed out for the baby to sleep. Or as he said even more deeply to himself echoing the sentiment of the title of a book he saw on the internet. "Go the fuck to sleep."
Max disconcertedly stared back at him, sharing the same dark-blue rim yet intense cerulean clear iris as his father, although Matthew's were considerably blearier at the moment.
Max gurgled and began to blink slightly that caused Matthew to take heart. He began a slight squeaking sound, followed by several yawns.
The eyes closed ever so slightly. Opened again. And finally closed and Matthew could tell he was finally down.
Matthew collapsed onto the bed and drew up the covers. He sighed. Absolute bliss.
As his head met the pillow, he too was almost immediately asleep.
XX
"Matthew." Mary said, the strain in her voice apparent in the short burst of vocalization of his name. She struggled up the short set of stairs inside their flat, trying to bump the front wheels of the pram on the step. Max was in her arms and the pram threatened to upend on the stairs.
She hated those stairs.
Eventually she gave up and left it there. When the designer pushchair arrived at their door, a present from Granny Violet, with the reassurance that it was the very same one Kate favored, Matthew eagerly put it together even as he clucked at the price tag.
Mary preferred using the shoulder sling to carry Max around. At least when spring came around and Matthew started running again, Mary would join him and walk with the baby snuggled closely up to her body as he ran around the perimeter of the adjacent park.
He would lap them and call out as he started to slowly jog in reverse so he could keep the two of them in his site, "how's the bug in the snug?"
Mary would catch up to him and Matthew would kiss them both, his breath hot and steamy in the early spring chill.
Now that Max was eight months old now, though, the pram was now more in use than ever as Max put on weight and fussed to get out of the snuggling cloths.
With all the paraphernalia she now toted around on a regular basis, the pram was she admitted useful for storing bottles, cups and extra toys. And right now, bags from the greengrocers stowed in the baby seat.
Matthew' head appeared at the top of the steps.
"You called?" He asked, chewing on the sandwich he had just made. "I was upstairs in the office. " He moved down the steps to help her with the grocery bags.
"I didn't hear you." He took the bags from the front of the pram and went to move it up the stairs.
"Just leave the damn thing there." She said abruptly, pushing Max further up onto her hip.
She sighed. Closed her eyes and took another breath. "Sorry." Matthew gave her a quick kiss.
"Calm down." He tried to say…
But this irritated her only further.
"Matthew." She said, throwing his arm off hers. "Just let me be." And carried the baby up the stairs.
She had actually begun to hate it when it seemed he tried to tell her what to think or do. She knew Matthew did it as an effort to help, but it was, at Mary's most stressful moments, more than a little annoying and condescending.
Matthew rubbed his forehead in frustration. Even as he tried to maintain an even temper and neutral tone, Mary would inevitably take it wrong.
"I'll just get the bags." Resignation and fatigue in his own voice. Carrying the cloth bags up the steps and into the main living and dining area and throwing them on the table.
"Not there." Mary said snappishly, pointing to the table. "In the kitchen. Where I can put them away while Max eats."
"Yes sir," Matthew, grumbled under his breath, more than once equating that voice of Mary's to the sergeant majors he had heard chew out junior officers and men in the barracks in Afghanistan.
He moved them into the kitchen and started to sort them out on the counter.
"Matthew…." Mary said, coming up behind him. "Please just let me do that. I know where everything goes." And she started to snatch some crackers out of his hand as he placed them on the second shelf and she repositioned them on the first.
His barely audible snort set her teeth on edge. "Why don't you just go work upstairs?" She managed to get out between gritted teeth. "I can handle this on my own."
"Fine." He said tersely, and walked out and back up to the loft office.
As he sat staring at his lap top screen, not really doing anything of substance Matthew massaged the back muscles of his neck. No matter what he said, he set Mary off. And without intending to he inevitably responded with a kind of whiny petulance that only further exacerbated the situation.
Even such self-reflection on his own behavior did not really help. For in the moment, his behavior seemed perfectly fine.
"God, man." He said aloud, pressing his fingers into his eyes and rubbing. "You're pathetic."
"I'm glad you noticed." Said an amused voice coming up the stairs.
He swiveled around in his chair. Mary's head appeared at the landing. She was smiling.
Matthew held out his hand but she came around his back and started to softly massage her fingers into his tense muscles and manipulate the tendon to loosen up and release. Matthew pushed his head back against her chest and he moaned softly. Her long, sinuous arms slowly moved down around his chest and back up to his face where as his eyes met hers upside down she pushed his curls back across his forehead. Her head bent close to his and her hair fell down upon his face.
They kissed. He groaned into her mouth. Her tongue lapped around his. He pulled her around until she sat in his lap. Mary sighed as she fell into his embrace. She moved her head until she fit right under his left shoulder. Her favorite spot.
After a few moments of indulgent kisses against her cheeks, Matthew said, "he's down I take it?"
"Yes." Mary responded snuggling closer. Her voice becoming more seductive.
"How do you do that?" He asked incredulously. "You act like you want me to leave you alone for the rest of your life one moment and now I feel as if we could stay locked in each other arm's like this forever."
"You should feel lucky women compartmentalize emotions so well." Mary said, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping her hands in she felt his skin tingling as her fingers slowly indulged in rubbing his chest.
"I do." He said, pulling her even closer and feeling his mouth once again press upon hers. "I do indeed."
Mary had finished breastfeeding a month ago, having a supply in the freezer to take Max along a while longer until he was old enough for whole milk. She wanted her body back. She needed, even as she teased Matthew about female resilience in handling emotional ups and downs of motherhood and being a wife, that she had her individuality as well.
She wanted to have Matthew's hands on her body. She did not want him hesitating to make love to her, concerned that he would cause her pain as she recovered from childbirth, or that he could not take her breasts in his mouth as they were now engaged the function of giving life to their son.
So now… now in his arms… Max asleep and content downstairs…monitor on Matthew's desk just in case… Mary wanted to indulge in the sweetness and luxury of Matthew's all-encompassing love. wanted to show him that even at his worst…at her worst… they still needed to feel each other's skin and feed each other's pleasure.
"How long do you think we have?" He asked throwing his eyes to the stairs, a little too keen to throw her clothes off before the moment passed or , God forbid, Max woke up.
"I'd say about an hour." She pushed him down harder onto her own and slid her tongue slowly around the curves of his mouth. She felt his teeth move against her tongue. She wanted him in deeper. As deep as he could go.
His answer came as he arched up to meet her body and so she could feel his arousal that bulged against his jeans.
She groaned in pleasure as he took her off the chair and positioned her on the old college sofa bed. His eager hands undressed her rapidly throwing off her shirt and shorts and pushing his face up against the space in between her breasts where he slowly began to kiss and squeeze her nipples that once again responded to his touch.
He rolled his length up and down against her as she pushed his jeans off and put him inside her. Her mind spun with desire. It had been a while since they indulged in a love making session.
His eyes, dark and deep, hooded with desire slowly built momentum as he took her inside his own need. Mary's lips needed to find his and she arched up to gather his face into hers. His forearms came down on either side taking his weight as she shifted down to take her mouth into his. Their tongues entangled as their bodies joined together in rhythmic love.
Matthew felt his arousal throbbing inside her. He threw his weight against her body and continued to shove his member deep within Mary's inviting body. Her contented groans and moans of arousal met his own.
His grunts grew louder even as he tried to remain silent so as not to wake the little guy downstairs. But he could not hold them in. It felt so good. So right.
He opened his eyes and found hers open as well. It was curiously arousing to watch her pupils dilate with desire.
"Mary." He said, "You are so beautiful." He stopped his pumping actions to a slow, indulgent caress against her thighs. He took in her reddish erect nipples and tugs at them with his lips.
But Mary needed him to move faster.
She groaned into his mouth, "Matthew, keep going." And pushed his member deeper into her own body.
They moved rhythmically against each other, indulgently taking pleasure in each other's gaze as their bodied bucked and climaxed that sent Matthew's arm muscles quivering as he attempted to remain upright against her body.
She pushed his arms down so that he came down on top of her with a grunt. Mary wanted, needed to feel his full weight against her own. Needed his coiled body against her own.
"Oh God." Matthew said noisily his pleasure apparent on his face, as he slid out of her and threw himself down next to Mary's body on the sofa bed. "I needed that."
Mary merely let out a drowsy moan of pleasure and cuddled closer to his body. His arms came around hers and they lay together, content for the moment. Sure in the knowledge, that no matter how much life's daily stresses will get to them, no matter how much they might hate each other in the moment, their love will see them through it. It was the only surety in their life.
XX
Max, at a healthy ten months, teething on time, and able to amuse himself with the various toys and gadgets family and friends had given him, sat on the floor and played with the musical keyboard tapping out the keys with his fat, chubby fingers.
Matthew's latent Luddite tendencies had found a new enemy. The electronic devices that other parents at the park or play group allowed their children to use while they engaged in conversation with each other.
This horrified Matthew no end. He saw similar aged children at the park, uninterested in the sandbox or running around on the slides, favoring instead to stare passively for long hours at screens that indulged their senses but shriveled their brains. Or at least that's how Matthew saw it.
Mary, trying to be more reasonable, said that some research indicated that even as it looked the child was only a passive participant; the brain was actually engaged in interaction with the figures and movement on the screen.
Matthew's eyes just rolled back in his head.
"Any way," Mary said, pushing him out of the chair so that she could take the clothes off the back down to the laundry. "I don't want to argue about it now."
Matthew's mother was to arrive within a few minutes. Isobel was to stay in the flat in Oxford while Mary and Matthew went on a long needed short vacation week end at the cottage in Nottingham.
The knock on the door saved any more discussion on the subject.
Matthew practically leaped down the steps to let his mother in the door. He really wanted to get on the road so they would have all Friday evening as well as Saturday and Sunday. He had a few days before the next term started and wanted to make the most of their time together.
"Mother!" He grinned and gave her a quick, loving kiss on the cheek. Helping her with the bags up into the living area, Isobel said to Mary, "How are you my dearest girl." And the two women hugged.
"Better now that's you're here." Mary admitted. She too was looking forward to this week end away. Neither had wanted to rely on their parents as baby sitters, but every once in while was not too bad.
One of the points of disagreement between Mary and Matthew had been the hiring of a part time nanny. Mary's arguments were sound on the subject. Especially now that Matthew had told her he was to go on a book tour of the United States in the new year.
"Once you're gone" Mary would said, trying to keep her voice neutral, "I will need some help. You know that."
"I know. I know." Matthew said, pulling his hands down over his face. "I'm sorry. I can't get out of it this time."
The book had taken off extraordinarily well, more than Oxford University Press could have hoped for. The editors had used social media very effectively in promoting the book of the Irish rebel and his English aristocratic rose (much to Matthew's chagrin who tried to tell them it was much more than just a romantic star crossed tale…but they would not listen).
Excerpts from Tom's letters to Sybil were published on the Oxford Press Tumblr site and had gone viral. Matthew had given a couple of interviews on the morning TV shows that also went down well as his animated hands, goofy grin and blonde good looks getting more retweets and FB likes than anyone expected.
Both the college and the press wanted him out promoting the book. Mary had gone with Matthew to a London Waterstone's for a book signing.
He had said as they walked in, "I hope you at least will stand in line, just so I won't look completely embarrassed when no one shows up."
"You can always count on me." Mary said as he gave her a quick kiss before being taken away by his editor.
Matthew had nothing to worry about as it turned out. He was almost knocked aside as a group formed to get their book signed and to get their picture taken with the popular young author of the moment.
He looked above their heads and over to Mary seeking escape. Mary shrugged indulgently and just watched her handsome husband get his bearings and actually begin to enjoy the attention.
As he disentangled himself from the crowed he walked over to Mary.
She found it infinitely ironic that the same press that had made her life such a misery merely a few years before, now had to be coddled and indulged in order to make Matthew's book a success.
The popularity was unexpected and the college and the Oxford Press wanted to cash in on it
So after the Christmas holiday he was go to the United States for an extended tour of universities and book store appearances. There was even talk of a Today show interview.
But for today it was Nottingham and their long looked for week end away.
"I've got the bags ready." Matthew said. Isobel had barely sat down but she could tell her son was eager to get on the road.
"Yes…Yes." She said, shooing them out the door as Mary was giving last minute instructions on the scheduled they had set up for Max. "We'll be fine. Wave bye-bye Max." And the little guy put up some chubby fingers and cupped them in an attempt at waving. He gave his parents a toothy grin.
Then Isobel closed the door just as she knew Mary was going to have second thoughts about leaving. Matthew grabbed his wife's hand and headed to the car.
They arrived a few hours later in the cottage. This time going out and packing the kitchen up with food and snacks, Matthew also bought some ale for himself and wine for Mary. Another thing they never indulged in recently as Mary kept saying it was good to keep a clear head.
Friday was spent lazing about and resting. Saturday morning for sleeping in late and making slow, pleasurable love as they lay naked and spent under the coverlets. They had rented bicycles for Saturday afternoon and taking advantage of the warmth of the day had criss crossed the village stopping in antique stores and cafés along the way. Falling asleep after tossing the bikes on the ground and resting under a big oak tree, Mary woke her husband up with sweetened kisses from the chocolate lingering on her lips from the box of confections they had bought in a shop.
"Oh woman," he said, slow and seductive, his voice dropping into that low register that made Mary's body shiver with desire. "You can do that all day long."
Saturday evening the late October chill was perfect for a fire.
Mary, aware that their time was short, needed to start a discussion she knew would potentially upset Matthew. But it worried on her mind. And it had to be said and plans would have to be made if her resolution was to remain firm.
"Matthew," she started as he poked at the burning embers.
"Hmmm" he said absent mindedly.
"I want to talk to you about something." He turned at the sound of her voice. So strained. So nervous.
"What is it, love?" walking over to where she sat on the sofa.
Mary swallowed. "I… I want to quit my job." There. She said it.
Matthew looked a bit confused and dumbfounded. "Quit?" He said, slowly, taking the word in.
"Yes. .. well not actually quit. I'd have my partners buy my share out. So I'd have the cash and equity earned for my time there." Mary had marshalled the arguments in her head and she was ready to answer any of his questions.
"I thought you liked it there."
"I do… I did." Looking askance at the fire, she continued, "but with Max, and our life so changed, and the partner's desire to keep doing shopping centers and other things I'm not interested but makes money for the firm, I'm feeling left out."
"What do you want to do then?" He said, knowing full well she'd already have ideas.
"I want to start my own business. My own design firm. Small. Selective. Attracting the clients I want and using my skills and interest as I see fit." Mary's voice was taking on some more confidence.
"I can see that." Matthew nodded.
"Yes. But I want to do it at Downton." Pursing her lips she looked up at him. His eyes had gotten wide.
"Downton?"
"Yes. It's perfect. We can renovate a couple of the cottages, hang out my shingle so to speak and start small. The cash equity from the partnership sellout will cover the expenses."
"..and.." he could tell this was not all.
"And I want Max to grow up at home." She said, finally getting to the point. "I want him to be able to run around like me and my sisters did, get into trouble, fish at the stream, and wade in the ponds."
She was getting animated thinking about the possibilities. She took his hand.
"I want our child… our children when or if we have more… to be able to enjoy Downton while the family is still alive and living there."
"After all," She finished, "Max is going to inherit the title one day."
Matthew saw back. It was a lot to take in. He knew his son would inherit the Earldom upon Robert's death but that seemed like such a thing in the far future it never affected him. The estate was frequently on Matthew's mind however as he and Mary guided Robert towards better investments in Downton's future. It had been all but settled that English Heritage would take over the day to day running of estate affairs in cooperation with the family. They would still own it but in a kind of modern entailment the government would have a greater say in the maintenance of the estate.
"Where would we live?"
"In the cottages. We can knock down a couple of walls and fix it all up into one big living quarters." She got quite animated at the thought of designing such a new home. "We could buy the land. It could be ours. Ours alone."
Matthew furrowed his brow in concentration.
"And when do you want to do this?" He asked, trying not to sound like he was objecting to this sudden change of their lives. He had, after all, begun to be successful in his own right and more than earned his fair share now. They could, indeed, despite his innate desire for frugality, indulge in their passions. Especially if it was to benefit their family.
"I could start while you are away." Mary knew that if she dawdled on this issue, she might change her mind.
"Well…" He put his hands through his hair as a gesture of thought. "My life is in Oxford, though." Voicing the one point of opposition that Mary had no coherent argument against.
Matthew loved his teaching and his research responsibilities. The thought of leaving them had never crossed his mind.
"I know." Mary said, softly taking his hand into hers. His fingers rubbed her palm instinctively, absent mindedly.
Matthew was not going to be the roadblock to Mary's happiness. And the idea of Max growing up in the countryside appealed enormously to him.
"I could commute." He said slowly, trying it out. "I'd have to figure a bunch of logistics out, but during term I could commute, and on the long vac I could stay on and let you get more work done. And we'd be closer to the estate and dealing with Robert."
Mary nodded in support. She wanted Matthew to want this as much as she did. Her face shown with happiness as his voice took on more confidence.
"Oh Matthew. Thank you."
He said moving her closer into his arms. "I never thought such love was possible. You've shown me that. You've given me everything I could ever wish for."
Mary's arms entwined with his. "Me too Matthew, me too. We can never take it for granted."
Love would see them through. It had been tested. It had succeeded beyond expectations. Love, which had seemed to Mary such an unknowable thing much of her life. A dream indulged in by fools and romantic teenagers. Now was the binding force that would see her through life's journey. She had Matthew. He had her. They had their family. Such an abundance of love made her dizzy with happiness. It was all she had ever wanted.
Their embrace became unbreakable as each sought to reassure the other that this life, their life, their love would endure.
XX
Okay. Epilogue and silly fun stuff and the end to come soon.