.

.

.

25

.

As Jess's request hung in the air between them, words almost visibly glowing with the passion in which they were spoken, Slim remained silent. He had decided a long time ago, when he first made his offer of a job on the road home from Baxter's Ridge and the rounding up of the Carlin gang. He had not looked back. And he had trusted Jess enough to make him Andy's guardian. The time for decisions was long past, but he recognized Jess's need to give him a choice. He allow some minutes of that silence to pass before he said: "I'm listening," and prepared himself to hear his friend and partner out.

"To do what I had to do, I had to become someone else. I had to be Caine Warwick. To think like him. Judge like him. Act like him. And behave towards women like him." Jess paused and scowled. "It ain't any excuse for what I did, but it goes a bit to explain it."

"I've already told you how I feel about that!" Slim said crossly. "Have you been listening at all?"

"Yeah. You told me an' I heard all right!" A sudden and very sweet smile of pure relief lit Jess's face. It vanished just as swiftly as his expression went blank and, sure enough, his next words were: "So did Catherine - told me what she thought of me. And I reckon she's just as entitled to her opinion."

Slim nearly bit his tongue off, struggling to keep back his judgement of Catherine's vindictive cruelty and what she had deliberately put Jess through. But he had promised to listen. He just said: "That wasn't you."

"You sure about that?" Jess's expression was still carefully emotionless. "Slim, there are a lot of things y' don't know about me, even now. But you've been there when people've turned up from my past and things ain't always gone smoothly. Times you'll have wished I'd think an' act like you. But I never do, do I?"

Slim nodded, acknowledging the differences between them and the inevitable tension this must cause.

"You know a bit about where I come from now," Jess told him. "Even without the war, there's been enough dark times and places and people in my life for actin' like Caine Warwick to come naturally. Yeah - don't try to make it better. He's what I could so easily have been if you hadn't taken a risk on a cocky young saddle tramp that day."

Slim shook his head. "I didn't take a risk on anything which wasn't already true in you."

"You acted on what you saw of y' own values in me," Jess said gently. "You see what's good in people."

Slim was vividly reminded of O'Connell's compliment and of his opinion of Jess. He was still not fully able to reconcile such a very different picture of Jess with his own, even if Jess himself seemed to be implying it was true. Following his own train of thought, he said: "O'Connell told me he'd known you before you came to Laramie."

Jess frowned. "I ain't never come across him until that game of cards at Nathaniel Sherman's."

"You sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Ain't hardly ever forgotten a face, even if I couldn't see him too well that evening. And I sure as hell don't forget the way a man plays his cards!"

"He was certain he knew you. He quoted incidents you'd been involved in."

"He don't know me – then or now," Jess repeated firmly. "In St. Louis, he didn't even see me properly. The card room was dark, only a light over the table - y' could see people's hands and the cards, not their faces. He thought I was Caine Warwick. Now Caine, yes, he might have come across him sometime."

"Of course!" Since Slim had only just found out about Jess's impersonation of Caine Warwick, no wonder he had felt that he and O'Connell were talking about two different people. They had been! Enormous relief washed over him and nearly drove him to tears. He had hung on so long to his trust in Jess, through all the pain and betrayal and accusation he had encountered along the way. It was a priceless gift to know that his feelings were right. A huge shuddering sigh left him as he said determinedly, "I'm darned well going to put O'Connell right! Else your name'll be mud from here to California!"

He managed a grin as he said this and Jess chuckled too, before adding: "More'n it is already?" His tone became serious once again as he went on: "That's what I'm tryin' to tell y', Slim. It ain't all make-believe, not by a long shot."

"Some of it is, so I guess I'll have to be your fairy godmother and use a spell to put the facts right out there," Slim teased, but Jess continued to look resolute and unemotional.

"A priest's needed more than a godmother."

Slim's eyebrows lifted enquiringly.

"For though thou wash thee with nitre, and take thee much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked before me, saith the Lord God," Jess quoted softly.

There was a brief silence. But some amusement colored Jess's voice as he added: "Soap and water've never played a big part in my life. But it's a good picture of how I feel. Like I'm stained. Like I need a powerful washin'. Father Paul had a long word for it. 'Ab .. ab-ser ..." Jess struggled with the memory, then went on confidently: "Absolution', that's what he called it. Washin' away evil. As a kid, the idea stuck in my mind."

"Father Paul?" Slim queried tentatively. His partner was never very forthcoming about his background and Slim had probably found out more in the last two weeks than Jess had revealed in three years.

"Old Catholic priest – at least, he seemed old to me then," Jess explained. "We got sent to him to get some schoolin', but what I remember best are the stories - some of the ideas too and the sayings."

Slim called to mind many quiet evenings with Jess spinning Andy yarn after yarn from a really surprising variety of sources. Knowing his bible sayings just as well, he contributed: "Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. There's plenty in the good book about getting rid of stains."

"Yeah, well, we ain't got any nitre nor hyssop and no soap up here neither. Talkin' to you - givin' you the choice - is part of washing it away."

"I'm listening."

Despite their diversion into the exploration of identity and absolution, this was ultimately about Catherine, Slim realized. Yet he could now see more, far more than just the outward relationship they were discussing. In the depths of Jess's eyes, he could recognize a man driven by overwhelming loyalty to complete a pledged task by methods which revolted his true being. And, with sudden insight, he understood that Jess became totally emotionless when he spoke of Catherine because it was the only way he could bear the appalling price of what he had done.

A price which Jess was determined to extract from himself. Despite his damaged leg, he was taut as a wild cat ready to leap. His expression was still utterly unemotional, but his eyes glinted fleetingly with a purely feral light. Slim guessed he was reliving the necessity of becoming Caine Warwick.

Jess's next words confirmed this. "A man can't become another unless they share something. Not if folks are goin' to be convinced – folks he'll live with, day in, day out." He looked as Slim and Slim inclined his head, accepting and understanding because he too had had to live a part in Defiance prison. "I said you took a chance on me because you saw something of your own values in me. I want y' to hold hard to those values now, while y' listenin' to what I have to tell."

"Ok." Slim was vividly reminded of O'Connell's warning against his natural instinct to look for the best and the appeal the older man had thereby made to their shared standards. Now Jess was uttering the same kind of warning. Slim knew he himself rejected lying and cheating, yet he also knew that Jess had had to do this to rescue him. So Jess's next words seemed to hammer home this lesson.

"I wasn't brought up, any more'n you were, to use people. I've been glad of the folks along the way who've given me more help than I sometimes deserved, but I was brought up to stand on my own and to rely on no-one for anything. So deliberately settin' out to deceive and use someone was …" He stopped as if searching for the right words, and then said unexpectedly, "It was not as hard as you'd imagine. I've been around plenty of people for whom lyin' and cheatin' and takin' any advantage they could was the smart way to live."

Slim had been around those people too, in the prison which he could not forget and which, deep in the heart of his integrity, he knew he had to take some action over. But not now. Now he was thinking about the contrast between those people and the Jess in whom he had put his total trust. He had been vividly aware of this during his incarceration and he knew the difference between the conscienceless inmates and Jess was real. If only Jess could see that too!

"I've had plenty of examples," Jess continued, "and when times get hard, it's difficult not to follow them. When that letter came … it was so hard!" His voice almost broke, but he mastered it. "In that time, I didn't care. I didn't care what they did to me or what I had to do to them, as long as I could find out what had happened to you and be able to protect Andy. I didn't care about the rights of anyone else. I shut down to a cold, hard, ruthless being – just like Caine Warwick. I became him. I knew what I was doin', but I didn't stop, not even for one second, to consider anything except that I was goin' to get to the bottom of it and get revenge!"

At the last word, Slim felt a jolt go right through him. Rescue he understood. Revenge was another matter. It was the reason he had stopped Jess beating the life out of Reuben Bradley.

"So I didn't care about Catherine. She set out t' rope me in so Nathaniel could use me. I turned that against her. I used her selfishness and determination to have her own way. I was just as selfish 'n stubborn goin' after what I wanted. I deliberately let her throw herself in my way when I had no feelin' for her. I was no better than she was. But I didn't run the risks she did. I rode away. She had to stay and bear the consequences. From what you found out, she suffered a lot." He saw Slim's instinctive denial and insisted: "Yes, she did. It ain't the same for a woman, y' know that. She was alone and desperate. I don't blame her if she wanted to kill that child and thought she had. God knows, she never asked to bear it."

"But she used –"

"Yeah, she turned it into a weapon," Jess agreed. "She was strikin' back with all that was left to her. The only power she had after I'd made sure there was nothing left of the life she knew. That's why I believed what she said. It was plain she hated me so much and with good cause."

"But –"

"There ain't no buts, Slim. I did what I did. Lyin', cheatin', cruelty, deception, usin' people, usin' a woman, because it got me what I wanted. That's what you need to know. That's what you're takin' a chance on again. That's why we're here, where we started. I gave you my word I won't choose to go. But you still have the right to send me away."

There was no doubt in Slim's mind, less than none, despite all he had been through. But Jess raised his hand to stop him from answering immediately. "You have the choice. Think about it."

Slim lifted his eyes and looked out over the calm lake. He owed it to Jess to take seriously this choice offered so unequivocally to him. He took the time to think. And as he thought, he remembered the now familiar Texan drawl mocking him about the price of water. And jack rabbits! How easily Jess had disarmed him. And if he hadn't, what would Slim have done next? What would the future of that decision, that action, have been like? Would he have driven Jess off the ranch? Where would Jess have gone in pursuit of the man from whom he intended to extract his revenge? How would Slim have fared against Bud Carlin without him?

It didn't matter really, though, because it was what he did next now which counted.

When Slim spoke, it was not immediately of the choice he had been asked to make. Instead he said: "You weren't the same when you came back from St. Louis. I didn't take much notice. I'm sorry."

"Guess you might have had something else on y' mind and body," Jess pointed out wryly.

"You were suffering too," Slim went on. "You were carrying the burden of what you'd done, of what you've just told me. I think you were half ready then to quit on account of it, but you didn't."

"Yeah." Jess's appreciation was a soft whisper. "It was like a deep wound with a thorn buried in it, festerin' and yet tryin' to form a scar –"

"And now you've paid ten-fold for it. If you think your past contained a darkness, that dark past has been used to punish you terribly. It's enough. Let it be now."

Slim looked at Jess with understanding and acceptance. Jess looked back with an amazed and deep affection before his head ducked sideways, averting his gaze as he always did when wrestling with strong emotion. When he finally looked up again, he was ready for Slim's next question.

"Can we put the past to rest?"

"Yeah. For you 'n me, yeah. If that's what you choose. But I still gotta find peace with Catherine somehow and set it right between the two of us. There's no knowin' when or how that'll be, but - yeah – if you're clear about what the past means, it's enough."

"We'll live with it so it won't scar the future - if you just hang on to the fact that your place, your home, your family, is here."

"Yeah. I reckon I can do that!" The lop-sided smile was back again. Jess sighed a deep and contented breath, before quirking an eyebrow in Slim's direction: "So, you ain't pointin' that rifle at me again?"

"No, I reckon you'll stay put without."

For the first time in the conversation, they both relaxed back against the old tree-trunk. Jess shifted so that his damaged leg was more comfortable and tipped his hat over his eyes. He looked almost exactly like he had done on their first day, except that he was better fed, his clothes were considerably cleaner and his attitude a lot less mocking. He must have been remembering too, because he murmured: "Y'know what's odd? Trav never warned me you were comin' that day. Must've fallen for Alamo straight away!"

"Hmmm." Slim thought of the two equine friends whom they had left peaceably sharing a bundle of hay in the corral. "Love? Nope. That horse just has the sense to recognize reliability when he sees it."

"Just like me, wouldn't y' say?"

"You? Sense?" Slim snorted. How many instances had he had to the contrary!

"Yeah, all your good habits are rubbin' off on me. If I stay on here, I'll end up bein' a sensible, domesticated old man!"

"That'll be the day!" Slim grumbled under his hat.

Neither of them could see the other's face, but both their hearts swelled with thankfulness for all which had grown from their first, most unpromising meeting. It boded well for all which would grow from the second chance they had taken together now … for the future. A companionable silence settled upon them. The long rays of the afternoon sun bathed them in warmth and the gentle lapping of the lake was another kind of washing for the soul.

Presently, mindful that Jess was not long out of his sick-bed, Slim asked, "How're you doing?"

"Gettin' a crick in my neck again!"

"And I'm getting stiff!" Slim rolled over, got to his knees and stretched.

Jess pushed back his hat and nodded. The same mischievous grin which had so annoyed Slim on that first day ghosted across his lips. "You're gettin' old."

"Right! In that case, I'm too old to pull you to your feet. You can just stay right where you are. Think how comfortable that'll be for the winter!"

"Oh, right! I can survive in the Big Open, but who's gonna help you with all them fence posts the storms'll bring down? Good job y'd decided y' weren't gonna run me off y' range this time!"

"Come on then!" Slim stooped and hauled Jess to his feet.

They stood together, watching the long rays of the sinking sun gild the 'No Trespassing' sign. Time to start again. They spoke almost in the same breath.

"Time to go home."

.

.

Notes:

Bible refs: Jeremiah 2:22 and Psalm 51:7