A/N: It's been a while, but here's a nice long update to make up for it. A lot of emotion in this one before the plot picks up again. As always, Reviews = love.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Tell me what you did Draco. Tell me what you did and I will be merciful.
Draco gasped, his body lurching as he arched forward panting. He could still feel it, steel cutting
deep
deep
deep.
She was right there. Right there and waiting for him in the darkness.
He hunched over even further curling into himself, ignoring the stabs of pain at the movement as he struggled to catch his breath.
Right there.
Right there.
Right there.
"Draco." He stilled, shivering as a hand came to rest at his shoulder. "You're safe. Draco you're safe."
He closed his eyes. He was safe. Safe. Yes. He had to be. He was on a bed, comfortable. His clothes didn't feel wet from his own blood. He took another breath.
And he recognized that voice.
He straightened, wincing at the motion as he lifted his head to meet the dark gaze of his godfather.
"Oh Merlin." He whispered, moving his hands to rub his eyes before letting them run shakily through his hair.
Snape said nothing, leaving him time to settle himself. Reorient himself really.
He groaned as he eased himself back against the numerous pillows behind him as he took in the room. He didn't recognize it, but it looked nice enough. His eyes darted around quickly as he spotted a window, letting out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.
He lost himself in the view outside of it.
It was night out, deep into it if he had to guess, and the stars were bright against a sky that held no trace of the moon in it.
That was when he felt his heart rate truly steady. There, right through the glass, was the world around him.
He wasn't alone.
He felt his body relax against the pillows as he cleared his throat to speak. A mistake apparently as it sent him into a coughing fit that had his sides screaming in protest.
Snape rushed over to him summoning a glass of water as he did. He tried to steady his hands as he reached out to take it from him, but one raised brow from Snape, and he reluctantly let him place the glass to his lips and eagerly took sips of the water.
He pulled away after a few gulps and tried once more to speak.
"Where are we?" he winced at the hoarseness, happy that he'd at least managed to say the words.
Snape let out a breath before placing the glass at the small bedside table near his right.
"Bill Weasley's home. Apparently his brother directed Tilly here. The Delacour girl had taken some healer courses before."
He nodded. His mind already working to put pieces together. This he understood. Survival and planning were his default. He could work with that.
They'd gotten out then. No doubt his mother had let Tilly move to help the trio out of the dungeon and then up to the room to get…
No.
He shook his head letting out a shaky breath.
"Hermione?" He whispered, swallowing roughly as he tried to pull his mind away from the dark edge it had been so close to falling over.
Snape looked at him, clearly concerned, before he sighed and dropped into a seat near the head of the bed.
"Shaken, two broken ribs, and mild internal bleeding that she's already been treated for." Snape said, "She's across the hall. Demanded to stay at your side despite the pain of her own injuries. She fell asleep two hours ago, and Lupin carried her out."
He nodded to himself, grateful at least that she seemed ok.
"And Sirius?"
"Has been alternating between being absolutely furious and incredibly anxious, rightfully so." Snape shot him a pointed look.
He straightened in response, unwilling to show guilt or discomfort at the hard gaze.
"He actually just stepped out to bring up a nightcap for us both."
"You're drinking with Sirius now?" he said as the corner of his mouth twitched slightly.
Snape looked at him balefully, "Yes we do seem to be bonding lately. We now have something in common."
He winced at that, dropping his head to look at his palms. It was then he noticed the thick bandages around both his arms. Though, only his left side was bandaged all the way down to his wrist.
He let his hand ghost down settling right atop his forearm.
"My parents?" he whispered.
"Denied you were there. You're anonymity is safe for now." Snape continued evenly,
"But Bellatrix…"
"Is in enough trouble. The Dark Lord found out that her vault had been recently broken into."
"It'll take at least a day to wade through the spells before they figure out its gone." He murmured to himself.
Snape grunted in agreement.
"We'll have to move to Hogwarts tomorrow then."
"You will not be doing anything." Snape cut in. He opened his mouth to protest, but he simply waved him off as he continued. "No Draco. I have stood by you, protected you, let you forge forward on your own, and I would do the same now if I thought that any of what you were suggesting held a bit of sense."
He leaned forward.
"And at this moment, I can tell you I don't care. There are spells, potions, to heal a body. You know there are-"
"And there is a price Draco. A price to be paid to use such risky measures." Snape stood, anger flashing on his face, though it was quickly gone as he stepped to pace the room.
Draco bit his tongue, unsure if he should speak or if any more words would result in an argument neither one would be able to take back.
Snape turned then, and Draco had his breath knocked out of him at the sight of his godfather's face.
"That's twice now I've had to see you in such a state." Snape said softly, "After I'd told myself I'd never allow such a thing to happen again."
Draco swallowed roughly, dropping his gaze to the floor unable to watch as such foreign emotions drifted across the other's face.
"You are the closest I will ever have to a child of my own." Snape continued, "And I have cared for you as such from the moment I first saw you. Draco." Snape paused for a moment, and Draco swore that a shaky breath left his lips before he continued. "Vengeance has never worked well for anyone. Especially not for anyone who war left in the state you are now."
"I…" Draco cleared his throat as he lifted his chin up to meet Snape's gaze, "I will see this through. I have too." Something flashed in Snape's eyes at that, but he didn't wait to recognize it. "And I know the risks. I always have, but." He licked his lips, "There are other things I want to make sure happen, and if they reek of revenge so be it. I will see that bitch dead."
"They were too lenient the first time sending her to Azkaban. The kiss, even the killing curse, is too kind for her. I can honestly tell you that at this moment I could throw her in a room and leave her to be burned alive without blinking an eye."
He fisted his hands. "And not for me, but for everything she's done to my mother, what she wanted to do to Hermione and Sirius and to so many other people."
Snape said nothing to that, and the silence quickly grew thick between them.
He kept his gaze steady. He would not give in, and it seemed Snape knew it too.
"I can stall for an extra day. It gives you one to rest and another to go."
"Thank you." he breathed.
Snape looked at him for a moment before he dipped his chin in a nod. He seemed to contemplate something before he stepped forward and laid a hand on his shoulder.
"Plan well Draco." His grip tightened.
He nodded in response, not trusting himself to speak. Frankly, he wouldn't have known what to say. Not to something like that, which meant so much more than the warning the words themselves stood for.
Had he even had a reply, he wouldn't have been able to voice it, because at that moment the door to his room opened and the lone figure froze in the doorway at the sight of him.
"Draco." Sirius whispered.
At that Snape murmured that he would be off to check on one thing or another, and soon he was left alone with his father still too stunned to say much of anything.
After a moment, Sirius shook his head before stepping forward and practically fell into the seat that Snape had vacated seconds before. He shakily set the bottle in his hands to the side before reaching out and combing through the hair that was clinging to his forehead.
"Merlin and Above." Sirius said softly.
Draco bit the inside of his cheek before pulling away slightly.
"I'm not going to apologize for what we did." Draco murmured, "But I am sorry I worried you."
Sirius blinked before an incredulous expression settled on his face.
"I don't fucking care about that Draco. I thought you were going to… Oh fuck. It doesn't matter. Alright." Sirius said leaning forward and squeezing one of his arms. Sirius flashed him a weak smile, "Besides I've done things that ended just as terribly and with half as much planning."
Draco forced a smile to his lips at that.
At least they wouldn't be having an argument tonight. He didn't think he'd have the energy for it. Already, he could feel his eyelids growing heavy.
"And Harry already told me." Sirius continued, "He took all the blame for breaking taboo, and even Ron said that it was mostly because of him that you were all taken prisoner."
"I never thought I'd see the day that those two would take responsibility for anything that was actually their fault." Draco laughed lightly before stopping to clutch at his ribs. The action had hurt more than he'd expected it too.
Sirius tried to look disapproving at his acerbic humor, but his concern for him and his own need to simply laugh to keep from being angry won out in the end.
"That bruising is going to hurt for a while, and some of the wounds." Sirius trailed off scanning his eyes over the numerous bandages wrapped around his body, "They were made by a cursed blade. There was only so much spells could do."
Draco shuddered, biting his lip at the feeling of utter disgust and fear. He'd expanded his collection of scars it seemed.
Sirius blinked rapidly before moving to once more clasp his shoulder lightly as to not aggravate his wounds. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but at that moment Draco yawned and Sirius's concentration was broken.
"You're exhausted no doubt." Sirius said helping him stretch back down to lay flat on his back "We can talk more tomorrow."
"Today." Draco corrected before yawning into the crook of his elbow once more. He gestured to the lone clock on the wall.
Sirius glanced at it and smirked in response before shaking his head.
"Get some sleep Draco."
He held his breath watching Sirius walk toward the door.
Ready to leave.
Ready to leave him.
He closed his eyes, his chin trembling as he spoke.
"You could stay."
"Sirius said he woke up during the night." Hermione said fiddling with the teacup in front of her.
She kept her eyes downward as she spoke, only able to see Ron's shifting arm beside her.
"Well that's good." Harry finally said.
She looked up, biting her lip. "Yeah. He was up for about 20 minutes before he fell back asleep"
"If I was on as many pain potions, I'd sleep all day too." Ron snorted.
Hermione cracked a smile at that, but the humor was lost on her. She'd scarcely managed to hold it together since she came to. Sure, she was tired, sore, and her sides hurt if she took a breath deep enough, but everything else running around in her head; worry, fear, guilt...She wanted to see him, and yet at the same time…
"Earth to Hermione." Harry said waving a hand before her face.
She blinked. "Sorry. Just drifted away for a second."
Harry's brow rose. "You alright Hermione?"
She smiled weakly. "I'm fine."
"Hermione."
"I'm fine Harry. Great all things considering,.. Everything that could have happened, I'm fantastic. It's just Draco-"
"I'm not asking about Draco." Harry said reaching out and taking her hands into his. "I'm asking about you."
She blinked and suddenly Ron was in front of her too.
"You keep avoiding you 'Mione, and for all you worry about Draco... Since you heard he woke up you haven't been to his room once."
Her chin trembled and all of a sudden her vision was blurring and wet tracks were dripping down her cheeks.
"I just...I was so scared, and then he. And then he spoke up and I." She choked out a breath leaning forward until her head rested on Ron's shoulder as she shook. "I was so relieved and horrified that I could think that, but I...It was my fault. The sword was in my bag and and… and I thought she was going to kill him and then kill the rest of us and…" She sobbed as Ron wrapped an arm around her and Harry rubbed her back as she cried.
"Come on 'Mione." Harry whispered, "You always tell me not to blame myself for things I couldn't control."
"You were scared." He continued, "And people aren't logical when they're scared."
She shook her head, pulling away as she wiped at her cheeks.
"I know." She murmured, "i know, but I still thought it."
Ron shook his head letting out a frustrated sigh. After a moment, he seemed to come to some conclusion. He cleared his throat, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on hers.
"If it were him who caught her attention, what would you do?"
"Distract her." She replied automatically and what Ron had managed to do forced the air out of her lungs.
Ron smiled weakly at her. "Exactly."
Hermione wrapped her arms around her middle as she squared her shoulders and headed up the steps. She was ready to see him. Ron and Harry, they'd finally made her see everything clearly. With that clarity, that need, the ache of her insides was so overwhelming. It was consuming, the need to see him, hear him talk, feel his warm touch.
She was so distracted in her thoughts that she wasn't paying any attention as she turned to step off the steps and to the hall that she didn't notices the other figure moving down the hall.
"Oh Hermione!"
She blinked and steadied herself, moving away from Fleur.
"I'm sorry I didn't see you." Fleur continued with a smile.
Hermione shook her head. "I don't think I was paying much attention to where I was going either."
Fleur flashed her a knowing look before inclining her head toward the room at the end of the hall. "I was just going to check on Draco. It seems 'e's doing better than this morning."
The two fell into step as they headed toward Draco's temporary room.
"What happened this morning?"
"I went to check on 'im and 'e 'ad somehow gotten to the bathroom to be sick."
Hermione snapped her head around to meet Fleur's gaze. "Is he alright?" She asked alarmed.
"Bad potion combination." Fleur explained as they came to a stop at the door, "'E should be fine now."
Hermione nodded, her shoulders dropping in relief. She turned and took a breath before she knocked once on the door and opened it.
She stepped in, leaving the door open as she continued drawn toward the bed.
He was still sleeping, though not deeply so as he seemed to shift at the sound of their footsteps.
Unconsciously, her feet continued forward until she could sit at the edge of the mattress. Her hand automatically went to his forehead, smoothing the creases she found there before running her fingers through his hair and down to cup one side of his cheek.
Her eyes fell on the scar that now ran faintly through his eyebrow and she held back a sob at the sight.
"Hello love." she whispered.
She could make out Fleur quickly checking his vitals behind her. No doubt, she wanted to finish and leave to give them some privacy.
Draco shook his head, turning slightly so that his lips brushed at her palms.
She smiled slightly at the tickle of his breath as his lips parted slightly.
"Draco." She whispered, "I'm here."
He murmured something against her hand before shifting once more as his eyes fluttered open.
His gaze was foggy, and she could tell that whatever they'd been giving him for pain had dulled his senses and made it even more difficult for him to grasp awareness.
"Hey." She whispered as his eyes seemed to settle on hers after another moment.
He blinked before a slow spreading smile pulled at his lips.
"'Mione."
He let out a deep breath before he moved and brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. He moved to pull himself up, struggling at the motion. She quickly moved to help him, but he caught her by the waist and pulled her down to lay beside him.
"Hey." He murmured, nuzzling his face against her neck.
"Hey yourself." She grinned.
"Hmm." He laughed against her skin, his unshaven cheek tickling her.
She turned on her side to face him. She cupped his jaw, letting her finger spread across his cheek.
"I was so worried. So scared. Gods Draco. I'm sorry. I…" She sobbed burying her face into the pillow as tears fell silently down.
Draco stiffened in alarm beside her at the sight of her tears, instantly more alert than he'd been a second before.
"Hermione, love, no. Don't. Don't apologize for anything. I knew what would happen, and I'd have done it again."
His hands cupped her face, turning her toward him. His thumbs brushed the tracks from her cheeks.
"No matter what would have happened..."
She looked up and saw his eyes darken for a moment.
"You shouldn't have felt any guilt."
She blinked wiping her face before pressing her lips to his. "No. No. No. We would have saved you no matter what." She murmured between kisses.
He let out a breath, shaking his head, and she could tell something was holding him back. He said nothing, merely shook his head once more before covering her mouth with his and kissing her slow. His tongue was gentle, careful, as it asked for entrance, which she granted quick enough. He nipped her lip, moving to press light kisses down her jaw, stopping with one last kiss at her throat
She shivered, her lids fluttering open as she caught sight of his eyes. She blinked quickly.
"We saved you. Alright. We saved you." She murmured.
His response was just to kiss her again.
He freaked out when she got up. He wasn't even sure why. He knew she was only going to the bathroom, but the idea that he would be alone…His breaths had become shallow and too fast. Then his vision had blurred and he could hear his blood roaring as it pounded at the base of his skull.
It was a weakness, and he hated it. Gods knew he did.
'I wish these would stop happening to you.' She'd whispered.
She didn't know the half of it.
He shook his head running a hand through his hair as he waited for her to come back. He'd managed to somewhat dress himself and was hoping that he could convince Hermione to help him downstairs. He didn't want to stay up here, he was sick of the sight of the bedroom, and frankly he didn't want to stay up here alone and conscious. The turns his mind was twisting through were hardly pleasant.
And he wanted to stay by Hermione. He'd been so close to losing her, because surely Bellatrix wouldn't have allowed her to live. Not if she'd known the extent of their relationship. Though the mad witch had certainly had suspicions.
I have plans for her later.
The words had chilled him more than any pain or threat she could have thrown at him.
He hadn't been exaggerating when he'd told Snape that he wanted to see her burned alive. He wanted her to suffer. To die after hours of agony.
And Gods help him, but he knew enough, was capable, to inflict it.
His door swung open, and he looked up quickly.
His breath caught at the sight of her. She was tired. That much was still obvious, but the brightness in her eyes seemed to overshadow that. She seemed more relaxed though, and that might have had to do with the short kip they'd had wrapped in each other's arms.
There was a slight tremor in her hands, the only hint to the injuries she'd sustained just a day before. He hoped for her sake that it would disappear, but one could never be sure. Each person reacted differently to the curse. He knew that first hand.
A small frown pulled at her lips as she crossed the room quickly with her arms folded and pressed against her chest.
"No."
"Please."
Her face softened at that, but he could tell she still wasn't convinced. She let out a breath as her hand came to his face starting at his brow and coming slowly down to the edge of his eye.
"This one will heal ok." She whispered, "There was some magic involved, but not enough to be unable to treat."
He held his breath as her fingers went lower to his neck. He wasn't sure where this was going, terrified really about where it could go, but he couldn't bring himself to say a word.
"These are the same. They'll be faint though, because it took so long to treat." she paused for a moment, meeting his eyes briefly. "Any deeper or to the right…"
He swallowed roughly. "Her wand. She stabbed it down and dragged."
Her chin trembled for a second before she clenched her jaw and continued down to his shoulders.
"They changed here. Became magical and deeper."
"Cursed blade." he breathed, closing his eyes as he felt her hand drop and ghost his arm, stopping at his inner forearm.
"What is it?" he whispered, "I've been asleep both times Fleur has changed the bandages."
A soft whimper made him blink to open his eyes.
Her warm ones had misted as she blinked furiously.
"The dark mark. She tried to carve out the dark mark."
She shook her head leaning down and kissing his forehead. He swallowed roughly.
At least now, those mad ramblings of hers made sense.
"It was so much Draco. So so much blood." she murmured, "Took 4 blood replenishing potions to make sure you didn't go into shock."
"I'm still here." he said moving his arms up to wrap around her waist. "And staying up here isn't going to make me heal faster or keep me safe."
She dropped her head to rest over his as her arms wrapped to hug his neck.
"I know."
He hugged her tighter. He could understand her feelings, part of him didn't want to rejoin the outside world yet. Though, a greater part of him was afraid of where his thoughts would go if he stayed up here alone for long.
He'd been so cold and removed, ready to just give...
"I don't want to stay up here." he said, shutting his eyes tight for a breath before he craned his neck up to meet her eyes.
Especially not alone.
"And we all need to talk." He added. "All of us."
She bit her lip, studying his face before she finally nodded once.
"Alright."
It was a long walk down. His body was weak. Two steps at a time with rest was his pace.
It was a bit pathetic.
He needed this though. Everything was rapidly drawing to a close, and he wanted to see it through.
Potions would only take him part of the way. He'd have to force the rest of his recovery to be just as fast.
They ended up settling in a small kitchen that held a window showing a beautiful outdoor field that eventually dropped off to a cliff.
He'd grown lost at the sight, letting his eyes soak up the fields, cliff, and the stretch of sea that eventually blended in with the horizon.
Hermione had been beside him, eating a late lunch and forcing one into him as best she could.
It's where Potter and Weasley eventually found them, and their arrival had signaled an end to his daydreaming.
Plotting, planning, they were familiar workings of his mind. Necessary distractions that he needed.
Keeping busy had always been his coping mechanism, and it didn't seem that was going to change any time soon.
"So the cup's been destroyed?" he asked.
He felt Hermione's hand snake under the table to grab his.
"We did it yesterday while you were out." she said softly, "I broke it in half with the sword."
He blinked, staring at her as though trying to discern her motivations. He didn't have to look hard to find it. She held a certain misplaced sense of guilt that was still very much clear in her eyes. It was easy to see how that would lead to a strong desire for some sort of retribution, and destroying a horcrux...that was the quickest outlet she'd had.
That she'd admitted as much without having to say it touched and frightened him at the same time.
He nodded, quickly looking away.
He didn't want to contemplate what she might have done had he actually…
"That leaves Hogwarts."
He turned his gaze to Potter. "You haven't seen anything have you?"
The other shook his head, and he let out a breath of relief. "We should be good for 2 days then. After, we'll have to get there before he seals off every entrance to protect his last piece."
Potter's brow rose. "We?"
He felt Hermione tug at his arm. He bit the inside of his cheek before he reluctantly looked down to meet her concerned gaze. "You're going to need more than 2 days to recover." She said gently, "You can help us plan, but I don't want…"
"You don't get to dictate what I do or don't do." He said harshly before immediately regretting it at the hurt that flashed across her face. He shook his head before sighing tiredly.
"I didn't mean it like that. I just… I'm not sitting out. 2 days is enough for me. I'll be ready to go, trust me."
She bit her lip, obviously doubting his words.
"Don't deny me this." He whispered low enough for only her to hear. She trembled against him for a moment before nodding to signal her acceptance.
"If he thinks he'll be ready than let the bloke be." He heard Weasley say. He turned slightly to meet the other's eyes.
"Maybe he also has some freak healing ability he hasn't told us about. Always full of surprises, aren't ya. A fucking animagus." Weasley continued with a sour look.
He shrugged and with smirk said, "I'm unregistered. It was need to know."
"I think that was something we should have known."
"Why?" Draco countered.
He deflated slightly, crossing his arms. "I don't know. We could have used it for something."
"Right." Draco said flatly.
To his surprise, Potter let out a laugh at that. The action was infectious because in seconds they each had joined in. It was a rather absurd thing to be laughing about, but at this point he was sure that the laughter was just an outlet. They'd all been wound so tight, and now the end was nearing.
The stakes were higher than ever, but for now they could indulge in some distraction before they dove back into the chaos.
The tension around the table seemed to dissolve after that, and new plans were quickly drawn up for Hogwarts.
They'd seemed to find a balance now, and he could tell that the occurrences at the Manor had radically shifted the duo's opinion of him. They certainly seemed to trust him a hell of a lot more.
He could tell that they were all, in their own way, concerned about him. It was both inconvenient and slightly heartwarming. Even more than that, it was uncomfortable. He didn't want to talk about it, and he doubted he would any time soon.
It had been a nightmare, and not just Bellatrix's actions.
His own response had shook him even more than he was able to admit.
As time past, he felt himself grow stiff as he sat. He really was too stubborn for his own good.
It was nearly time for dinner when he felt he could no longer keep himself upright.
Hermione must have sensed it, because it wasn't long after that that their discussion waned and she'd excused them both from the kitchen.
He tiredly dragged his feet as they lingered by the stairs.
She let out a breath, turning her head to look up at him.
"Are you alright Draco?" She finally asked, "With everything that happened, if you wanted to talk about it or-"
"I don't." he said, wincing at how harsh his words had come out.
She bit her lip. "Right. I just thought that maybe. If you wanted… I'd listen, you know."
"There's nothing to say." he said, more gently this time, but no less firm. He didn't want to talk, and certainly not about his thoughts. Not to her. Frankly he was afraid of just what he might say and how she'd blame herself.
"Ok." she said weakly, obviously disappointed at his refusal.
She took a breath. "Draco, it's-"
"Would you look at that. It lives."
They both turned, and a half smile formed on his face at the sight of Tonks walking as fast as she could toward them.
She smiled widely and when she reached them, she pulled Draco tightly to her, hugging him fiercely.
"And they say Gryffindors are reckless. They've got nothing on you."
He laughed weakly, letting his arms wind around Tonks as he hugged her tightly back. He felt himself relax into the embrace. He wasn't sure what it was about his cousin, but she never failed to make him feel safe and completely free from expectation.
"Why don't I leave you two to catch up."
He pulled away from Tonks and turned to face Hermione.
A smile that didn't quite reach her eyes was pasted on her face. "I'm sure you guys have a lot to talk about, and I think Fleur may need help with dinner."
He flinched at her false cheer. "Hermione."
"It's fine Draco." She shook her head, "We'll talk later."
He was about to protest, but she'd already spun on her heel and headed right back to the kitchen.
Tonks eyed Hermione's retreating form before settling her gaze on him. "Right then."
They were quiet on the way up, and he slipped more times then he cared to recall. Tonks didn't comment on it though.
She steadied him with an encouraging smile, and they just kept pressing forward.
He just about collapsed when they reached the guest room.
He fell, back first, onto the mattress letting out a sigh of relief at being able to stretch out and rest.
Tonks took the seat at his bedside, sighing in relief as her hand came up to rest on her stomach.
He looked at her for a moment, a thin smile on his lips at the gesture before he re-trained his gaze on the ceiling.
"She's only worried about you."
He let out a puff of air.
"I know."
Tonks moved the chair closer.
"What don't you want to tell her?" she pressed.
He bit his lip as his chin trembled at that question. He shut his eyes, hoping against all hope that Tonks would let the question go. Because, unlike Hermione, Tonks...Tonks knew. She knew exactly what these kinds of experiences entailed. She'd trained for them, seen them first hand, and...and Tonks was his family. That alone made it infinitely harder to lie and say everything was fine.
When it involved a member of their family, nothing was ever fine.
And maybe that reasoning alone was enough for the ironclad shields he'd put up around him once he'd woken to crack. Either way, one moment he was working excruciatingly hard to focus on his breathing, and the next he was curled up in a ball with his back to Tonks as the words began to fall.
"I knew what to expect. I thought I'd be prepared. I didn't think…" His breath hitched, "I didn't think it would be any different than the other times. I didn't think that she'd…"
He shuddered.
"I kept bleeding, and as time ran together I stopped noticing each time she jabbed that fucking knife into me. I just wanted…" And here his voice cracked, "I just wanted it to be over."
He heard Tonks's breath halt at that before her warm hand pressed into his back.
"Before. That night he cursed me, I thought I would die. I expected to. I didn't want to, but I thought, there's no way he's going to let me live. And..and if my life saved Mum's, I could accept it." He whispered. "But..but Bellatrix."
He turned then, sitting up and drawing his knees up to his chest, wincing in pain at the movement. "I wanted to die. She...She made me want to die, and part of me wonders if it wasn't really even her. If maybe I should have a long time ago."
"Draco."
He coughed, dropping his eyes to focus on his knees as he blinked furiously.
"Don't Draco. Don't."
He felt the bed dip as Tonks sat up on the edge and clasped her hands gently around his arms.
"Can you look at me please?"
He let out a shaky breath, tilting his head slightly to expose part of his face.
"This...This thing, plan or plot or whatever, it's been all you've had for a long time. You've done...You've seen a lot of terrible things that no one, let alone a 17 year old, should have too."
He held his breath, feeling the war he was waging against the moisture in his eyes was rapidly failing.
"But don't, don't take on a burden that isn't all your own and decide the only price to pay for it is your life."
He blinked and felt beads form at the edges of his lids.
"We all… we all have our moments, and we have to be able to take the bad along with the good. And you, you are too strong to have the likes of Bellatrix Lestrange break you. You, Draco Lucius Black, you are a survivor. That much you've proven time and time again."
He shook his head.
"I...Even before this started, I thought, after everything I'd have to do, that would be the end I would-"
"Deserve?" Tonks finished, tears dripping freely down her face, "The fuck it is Draco."
He blinked so stunned that he'd heard Tonks curse that he nearly missed everything else she said.
"I swear, you and yours, dramatic as hell and terrible at apologizing and moving forward."
He swallowed roughly, wondering if whoever Tonks was also referring to was who he thought it was.
"I'm sorry." Tonks continued, grasping his hands in between hers, "I'm sorry Draco that you...that you grew up the way you did. That you felt you had to be so hard, so perfect, so unnaturally strong and empty of weakness. But." She pressed a kiss to his cheek, "It's ok if you aren't all the time. It's ok to be scared, as long as you don't let the fear consume you."
He blinked, his vision blurring momentarily at the motion.
"I wanted to die." he choked out.
"I know sweetheart."
He shook, dropping his head to rest on Tonks's shoulder. "I wanted to die." He murmured, over and over as he let everything he'd hoped to bury inside completely pour out of him.
"Sweetheart I know."
He stayed with his face buried in Tonks's shoulder for quite some time. Eventually his exhaustion caught up with him and he fell into a fitful sleep.
He woke a few hours into the night with the dark already settled around him. He sat up slowly, rubbing at his face and taking note of the piece of paper with his cousin's familiar scribble.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair before he managed, quite painfully and slow, to pull himself out of bed.
Tonks had, in her own way, pried him open. Something he knew he wouldn't be able to repeat with anyone else for a while longer.
Though that didn't mean he couldn't at least make one thing right.
He stumbled across the floor and slipped quietly from his room to the hall.
He leaned against the wall, pausing to catch his breath before he stepped forward to the room directly across from his.
He opened the door slowly, and silently crossed the room to head toward the bed.
Hermione was tangled in her sheets, asleep but not deeply as she stirred the moment he sat on the edge of the mattress.
"Hermione." He whispered before hesitantly touching her shoulder to shake her gently.
She shifted, a hand coming up to her face to rub at her eyes. She blinked before her lids closed again.
"Draco?"
"Hey." He whispered before shaking his head, "I'm sorry Hermione. I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to...and I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have snapped at you."
Her eyes fluttered open once more, and she seemed infinitely more awake now than she had a moment before.
"Oh Draco." She murmured sitting up before wrapping her arms around his neck and dragging him to lie beside her down on the bed.
"It's ok." She murmured, "I can wait."
"I love you." he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and folding his body to fit against hers.
"I love you." She whispered, "I love you so much."
He kissed her cheek before dropping his head to fit into the crook of her neck.
"Sleep." She mumbled, her voice already thickening as she began to fall back into her dreams. "We have tomorrow, the next day, and the day after. We'll figure it out."
"I love you." he answered.
She tightened her grip around him.
"I know."