My dearest Dixie

I have thought long and hard about what I am going say to you in this letter. Even as I write this I am trying to work out what I am going to say to you, what I am going to write. You know me, I don't do emotions very well, I don't deal with problems very well you have seen that firsthand when Lucy left me and took Sophia and John. My head is a mess right now, I cannot seem to make sense of anything. One thing I do know is that I have really screwed up with you and with us. That one thing is coming through loud and clear. I am not sure how I could ever make this up to you, how I will put this right but, I am certain of one thing though, no amount of me saying sorry will be enough. I would not expect you to accept them anyway but please read this. Princess I need you to read this, to hear me out on paper because I will only struggle to tell you this face to face. Please my beautiful Princess, hear me out.

Not a day goes passed when I don't think about that shout. You told me not to go in and I ignored you. I should have listened to you. I have been paying the price of my actions ever since but I was out of order to take it out on you. It was my fault I got hurt not yours, you are not to blame in any of this. I was wrong to blame you, so very wrong.

I remember when the building was coming down around me, I can still hear the creaking sound even now as though it was yesterday. All I thought about was you and if I will ever get the chance to see you again. I closed my eyes as the bricks fell picturing your face thinking about everything we have shared together over the years. I told you that I love you and that you are beautiful. I also asked you to find yourself someone who could care and love you in the way I couldn't. The last thing I remember saying was that you mean so much to me and I thanked you for loving me like you have done. I didn't know if I would get to see you again but I had to say it even if you didn't hear it but now you know.

I am so angry with myself for how I acted. All I wanted to do when I came around was to see you and hug you. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was for going in and that I love you but what did I do? Shouted at you, told you to not come back, I got cross with you. Deep down I was livid with myself, I still am. I wanted to hold you close to me but I had been so bloody reckless I had broken both arms. I wasn't mad at you, I was fuming at my own stupidity.

I am finding writing this hard, I have been sat here for over two hours typing then deleting what I have done. Words just do not seem to do any justice nor do I think that they are worthy of your time. I know in my heart what I want to say to you, what I need to say but it will never excuse my actions, I would not expect it to. I just hope that you believe what I am writing, that is important to me.

You have only been gone for a few days and I am a mess. I am nothing without you. I don't know what to do with myself but this is my punishment and I deserve every moment of being by myself. I have no idea how I will survive if you left me, I can't even use the washing machine. I have no idea what can be washed with what, what setting to put them on or even how much bloody detergent to use! Some of your clothes are in the basket, I daren't wash them, they smell of you. I think me boil washing your bras and wrecking them wont do me any favours with you in the long run will it?

You have done everything for me over the last few years especially the last two months. You have gone way above the call of duty to care for me even though I did not deserve it. Lucy always said I was a lazy sod and a typical bloke leaving all the housework to the woman. When we married I wanted to help more around the house but didn't. A leopard never changes its spots and I am one of those when it comes to housework but I will change that Princess, I will ease your burden.

Watching you having your asthma attack was the slap on the face I needed. That was the first time I really looked at you, that I really saw what I had done to you. I can still hear you struggling to breathe, I thought I was going to loose you. I drove you to that and I will live with that for the rest of my life. It makes me sad knowing that I did that to you, me, your best friend, your husband.

I have been an arse and do not deserve you. Having said that I do not want to loose you. I am so ashamed of myself for what I have done. I am my fathers son whether I like it or not, I have turned into him. I have become the man that I promised I wouldn't become and hurt you so much both phyiscially and emotionally. I have shown you no respect or privacy and not once have I ever said thank you. Only now as I am sitting here thinking I have realised exactly how much and what you have done for me. You shared my bed to be there for me, stripped off to get me to have a shower, took my temper and put me first all the time. What did I do in return? Barked orders at you, stopped you from attending your appointment and abused you. I think the fact that I didn't believe you when Josh came to see us hurts just as much as all the rest. I should have believed you but all I did was shout and smack you. I hate who I have become and want to change. I promised myself I would not be like my father and that is who I have become.

Deep down I know you will be better off leaving me but I also don't want to be without you. I know I haven't said it and my actions haven't shown it but I really do love you and I want to grow old with you more than anything. I understand if you no longer want that, the pain of losing you will hurt but that is what I deserve and will not even come close to the pain you have suffered at my hand. You need to do what is right for you babe, put yourself first.

I am looking at our wedding photo that is above the fire and I smile. We never married for love in the romantic sense but for love in the friendship sense. You looked amazing that day and you still do. I am proud to call you Mrs Collier although I know you are no longer proud to be called Mrs Collier. I often think back to why I said yes to you after weeks of telling you it was a bad idea. I thought about what you had given me, a home, your friendship, your love. You hugged me when I needed it, made me lovely pies for my dinner and let me watch the football. But, above all I did it because I love you and think you are great. You make me smile and love me for who I am. I do not regret marrying you, it has been the best time of my life. I am sorry it will probably end how it has done, you deserved better from me. I told your dad that you mean more to me than pretty much any woman I have ever known. I promised him I would protect you from harm, it was me you needed protecting from.

Do you remember the day I came to find you at the Ambulance Station with the flowers? It was the day you left me with the two nurses. I was so upset and behaved like a petulant child towards them, do not worry they put me in my place rather firmly. They made me think though of what I needed to do. You will find a booking confirmation and money in with this letter. Charlotte and Mary helped me to book a weekend away outside of Holby at a Cottage Spa. It was my intention to take you there and spoil you rotten. I know it won't make everything right but I wanted to spend some time with you to start to rebuild our relationship. The room is booked for the end of the month and is all paid for. I understand that you probably won't want to come away with me or stay in the same room as me so take Polly with you. Enjoy yourself Princess. I have left £500 for you as well to spend on treatments, food etc, if you spend more please tell me and I will give you the money back.

Dixie, I love you so much, always have and always will. I want to save us, work on getting us back together, go back to how we were. I want to start again with you. I am not going to give up on you, not now and not ever. I know one thing, I am going to fight for you. I believe we can save our relationship and be stronger together, I know I have a lot of making up to do and I wil do whatever it takes and more. I need you Dix, I miss you. Please babe, please say you will give me another chance, please let me be a better husband, a better friend.

You mean everything to me Dixie even though I havent shown it recently. I only want what is best for you whatever you decide. Thank you for reading this letter, I dont think I have done a good enough job of explaining myself but thank you for sticking with me.

I love you Babe. Thank you for loving me.

Yours always

Your Jeffrey

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