"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."
~ Oscar Wilde

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

***********~*~*~*~*~*~Isabella~*~*~*~*~*~***********

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

It was raining by the time I reached my parents' house after having been to Lizzie's grave in Jacksonville. As we pulled into their street, the rain was pounding on the cab's windows and I sighed as I realized I was going to get soaked just trying to get from the street to the house. I paid the cab driver and tried to shield myself from the pelting rain by holding my jacket over my head. But no sooner had I put a foot out that I realized I had stepped into a big fat puddle. My foot was covered over my ankles in mud water and I could feel the water seeping into my socks. I swore to myself and with a disgusted grunt extracted my foot from the puddle. I took out my suitcase from the trunk and then the cab drove away. I tried to grab a hold of the handle with one hand to drag it behind me towards the house, while still holding the jacket over my head with the other hand. As soon as I started walking towards the house though, the handle gave way and the suitcase went plummeting into the stream of muddy water that was gathering on the side of the street.

That's when I lost it. It was all too much. There were too many things that had gone wrong. And now it was raining and my foot was soaked and my suitcase with all my clothes in it was lying in dirty water and all my clothes in it would be soaked. A large sob escaped from somewhere deep in my throat as I looked down at the suitcase and then I did the only thing I could.

I sat down on the pavement outside my parents' house and cried my heart out while I got soaked with rain. I sat with my knees folded under me and held myself with my arms, while I let out deep sobs, bending forward so that my face was almost touching the ground.

I didn't hear the door of the house open but suddenly my mother's arms were surrounding me, enveloping me in her warmth, warding off the stupid rain that was everywhere and that I couldn't stop from attacking me.

I turned my face so it was buried in her chest and sobbed violently. She held me tight to herself and whispered soothing words into my ears to calm me down but I didn't hear any of it. None of it made any sense. All I could hear were the nonsense sounds that she was making.

After sometime, I felt my father's arms circling me as he picked me up off the pavement. I put my arms around his neck as I now sobbed into his shoulder. He carried me to the house while my mom carried my suitcase behind us.

After Dad carried me upstairs, mom changed my clothes and I crept into my bed, where I resumed the sobs. Mom got into the bed with me and held me for a long time before she couldn't take it anymore and begged me to tell her what was wrong. I told her the basics of it through my sobs just so she wouldn't have a heart attack or something. I could only imagine how scared and worried my parents would have been to see me that way. And for the next three days that's basically all I did. I lay in bed and alternated between crying and sleeping and at times eating something because Mom basically forced it down my throat.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was making me feel that devastated. But it just felt like I had been holding so much inside of me for so long and it all just came rushing out in one big flood. I was mourning the loss of my family in LA. New sobs ripped through me whenever Sophie's face flashed through my mind. I could only imagine how terribly she would react to all this. I had texted Jasper before I boarded my flight in LA, telling him to make sure Edward and Sophie were ok and that I was sorry for leaving so hastily and that I would call him and Alice later and explain everything. Then I had turned off my phone immediately because I didn't have it in me to deal with him and Alice at that moment. But now, as images of Jasper's warm smile and Alice's concerned faces flashed through my head, I sobbed more. I sobbed because Carlisle was losing his wife all over again and grieving her, and I no longer had the right to comfort him. And I sobbed because every tie that I had made to Edward had been shattered to pieces.

I reemerged from my room on the fourth day and Charlie actually yelped when he saw me as we almost ran into each other in the hallway. That's how scary I looked. I just ignored him and went to the bathroom.

For the next week I walked around the house in a zombie-like state. I sat with my parents during dinners and stared out the window while picking at my food as they made conversation with each other, throwing me a concerned glance now and then. I often curled up in the couch and watched TV with Dad. I couldn't tell you to this day what exactly we were watching.

None of my parents tried to force me to talk any more than I wanted to. They had a pretty good idea of what could have happened. And for the time being they were just glad that I had started eating again and that I was at their house so they could make sure I was at least physically alright.

Sometime in the third week, a few minutes after the house phone rang, Mom brought me the phone saying it was Mike Newton. I just switched my level look between the phone in her hand and her eyes a couple of times, then returned to focusing on the TV. She put the phone back to her ear and walked back into the kitchen. She joined me a few minutes later in the couch saying that the hospital in LA had reported my unexplained absence to my Chief of Medicine in Seattle and he had said that I would lose my job if I didn't show up to work and explain myself before the following Monday. I just turned up the volume on the TV to drown out my mother's voice.

Towards the end of that week, I was sitting in the swing set on my parents' porch in the late afternoon. The sun was starting to set and pink rays were dispersed all over the sky. I sat with one knee pulled up to rest my chin on it, while the other leg hung down to the floor. I was looking at nothing in particular.

I heard the screen door to the porch open and after a few seconds Dad sat down in the swing next to me. He sat there quietly for a few minutes looking at me, but didn't say anything. Finally, I turned my head so that my cheek rested on my knee and looked at him. He ran a hand through my hair before his eyes got all serious.

"You are a good person." He said in that voice that he only reserved for times when he and I had our heart-to-heart moments.

I kept my eyes on him as I murmured my reply. "I don't know anymore."

Then after a long silence I added. "I broke him."

He frowned a little. "Did you apologize?"

I nodded.

"Did you explain why you had to keep that secret from him?" He asked next.

I looked down at the collar of his shirt. "I tried. He wouldn't listen."

"Izzy, if he can't give you the benefit of the doubt…if he can't see that you are a genuinely good person and that you could never do things to intentionally hurt someone, then he's not worth…"

I immediately shot up to a straight position.

"Don't. There is nothing wrong with how he reacted. He has every right to be angry. None of it is his fault."

Charlie saw the stern look of determination on my face and decided to let it go. He just reached out and pulled me to his side, where I sat cuddled for the rest of that afternoon.

I went to sleep crying into my pillow that night as Charlie's words kept going around in my head.

It was in this state of mind that I went back to Seattle that weekend and started work again. Needless to say, the chief was not happy about how irresponsibly I had acted. And I was standing in his office, getting yelled at and taking it all in utter silence, when Mike Newton walked in and stood up for me. I stared at the side of his face in shock while he explained to the chief that I was going through a "personal crisis" and that I had been an exemplary employee until this recent "tragedy". The chief eased up on me and let me off with a warning about informing the hospital of such things in the future before I decided to take off on my own. Mike led me out of the chief's office with a hand on the small of my back.

Once we were outside, he dragged me to the staff room and poured each of us a cup of coffee as we sat down on the table in the corner.

He sat there waiting for me to say something for a few minutes but finally gave up.

"Jesus Christ, Izzy. Look at you!"

I frowned slightly and looked down at myself.

"What's wrong with how I look?" I said wryly.

"You look like you just came off the street, for god's sake. When was the last time you took a shower?"

I frowned again as I ran my hand consciously through my hair. "Yesterday?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep calming breath. "Look, Renee told me what happened. She explained your situation to me when I called her to warn you about the chief threatening to fire you. And before you can get mad about that, she only told me because she was hoping I could explain a little to the chief and buy you some more time to stay in Jacksonville."

I tried to rein in my glare, but it was hard.

"What exactly did she tell you?"

"That you just went through a painful situation with a guy you like." He said with a soft expression. Thank god. Now I didn't have to kill my mother anymore. She didn't tell him much, or any details. She was just trying to buy me more time.

"Look, the point is that I know. And I understand that you're having a hard time. But you can't just lose everything you've worked for until now for some guy."

He looked a little uncomfortable as he probably thought of what he was saying. Yeah, thank you. Glad to see that your memory is still intact.

"I know things have been…weird…between us for a while. But you were my friend first and foremost. And I can't let you do this to yourself and just sit back and watch. There is too much potential in you."

He sighed exasperatedly and leaned back a little in his chair.

"Yes we were friends, but being your senior, I also guided you in your work and career and I have seen you flourish here. I had an amazing time teaching you and training you because you are extremely good at what you do. And I feel like it would be a colossal waste if you just let it all slip because of some guy while I sit back and watch. Let's just say, the part of me that was your friend has a problem with letting that happen. I won't let that happen."

I looked at Mike as if I was seeing him for the first time. He was a much better person than I ever gave him credit for. At a moment when I was going through a hard time he was revoking our friendship and trying to take care of me in his own way. I sighed and looked down at my hands on my lap.

"He is not 'some guy'." I whispered. Mike smiled sadly and leaned forward, placing his hands on the table.

"I figured. It would take a hell of a lot to knock you out bad enough so that Isabella Swan would stop caring about her career."

I kept staring at my hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked slowly.

I shook my head from side to side.

He nodded understandingly and leaned forward a bit more, looking at me softly.

"Will you at least let me help you through this?"

I looked up at him with wide eyes. "Why would you do that?"

He looked hurt. "Isabella, we had some misunderstandings. But I never stopped caring for you as a friend. I have always loved you, girlie."

I looked down at my lap again and frowned. "I wasn't very nice to you, Mike. I blamed you for things that were caused by my own immaturity."

"And I'm your friend so I understand that. You were hurt by my words. And I told you this before too: I take full responsibility for my part in that whole thing."

He then held up his hand over the table for me to shake.

"What do you say? Friends again?"

I felt tears springing to my eyes at how kind he was to me at that moment. He reminded me of the reason I became friends with him in the first place. And since Mike knew me and he knew that I would hate to create a scene in the staff room he wrinkled his nose and broke the tension with this next words.

"Besides, judging from how horrible you smell, I'd say you really need a friend to at least tell you when to shower."

And he really kept his words. In the first weeks after I got back, he made sure I didn't get too many back to back shifts and picked up after my slack when I would zone out. He was there for me without being overbearing. And I was grateful.

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

April

As time passed, the pain changed character. It went from having a sharp and all consuming quality to a dull ache that throbbed inside me. I carried it with me everywhere I went, but I was able to push it to the background as I attended rounds, conversed with colleagues, bought groceries and carried out the basics of living.

The thing is, my life had taken on a dreamlike quality and I lived it in a haze. In the past few months that I had spent with the Cullens in LA, my subconscious had pictured a whole different life for me in my future. It was no longer a life of struggle that was going to be spent focusing on building a career in the rains of Seattle. It was a life in the sunshine of California, a life surrounded by the giggles of a little girl who loved me from her heart and who I loved back, one where a caring father figure was always there to guide me and shower me with blessings. One filled with the laughter of dear friends. And most importantly, one where the arms of love surrounded me and where I spent my life protecting him from the evils of the world.

It was only when the dream was taken away from me that I realized just how much I had wanted it. Craved it. Needed it. That life of my dreams had been so important that my career had easily taken a backseat. So now that I was only left with a life where being a doctor was my only role in life, it felt empty and pointless.

I went on carrying out the basics of everyday life but I did all of it without any passion or motivation or real interest. I kept living this makeshift life of mine because there was no other choice really.

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

May

And as time passed on, another facet of my mind became clearer to me. As the haze of my initial agony wore off, I realized that I was waiting for him. I know I had no right to ask for such a thing, but how could I possibly rein in something like hope? How does one go about telling your heart: "No, you can't hope because you were bad and you deserve this."

So, in the heart of my hearts, against all odds, I hoped that he would come for me. I hoped that he would see my side of it, even if a little bit. I hoped that he would still be angry with me, but he would see that I wasn't trying to hurt him. I hoped that once his own initial haze of anger would wear off, he would remember my words to him and somehow my love for him would outweigh my mistake of not telling him about his mother earlier on.

As the weeks kept passing by, I tried to stop myself from this line of thought, but there was no use. There was never any word from him and I had been permanently discarded.

And with time, I realized that I didn't believe what I had said to my Dad on the porch weeks ago. I agreed that Edward had a right to be angry with me. I accepted my part of the blame in every way. But, I was, in fact, angry with him too. An e-mail that Jasper had sent me the week after I left LA kept going around in my head.

In the e-mail, Jasper had first told me that he had talked to Carlisle, who told him about what happened. Then he had said that he knew I must be worried about Sophie, but that she was alright and was staying with him and Alice until Edward cooled down. Then he had ended the e-mail with the following words:

"I don't necessarily agree with your choices, but I have to give you something. Your heart was in the right place, Izzy-boo. It always was. Even if what you did ended up hurting Edward, that wasn't what your intention was. And you were the one that came out with the truth willingly, no one forced it out of you. I see that and Carlisle sees that, and we don't hold it against you because at the end of the day you were respecting Lizzie's wishes.

And even if he doesn't see it now because he can't see anything beyond his anger, Edward will also see it at some point. And I know Edward. He has spent his entire life smelling paper flowers and becoming furious every single time he realized they were fake. And he is so used to having to react that way to the fake ones that when he came across the real thing, he mistook it for one of the fake ones and discarded it without giving it a second sniff, which would have showed him that there was more to this one. Yes it has its flaws, but it's the real thing, nonetheless. The only real one that Edward has ever come across. And I fear the day Edward will realize this, because his grief at that loss is going to be much bigger than the one he is going through now."

The more I thought about Jasper's words, the more agitated I became. Whereas until now I had only felt guilty about the pain I had caused Edward and the rest of his family, now all of a sudden there was a whole new dimension to my anguish.

Back when I had first read his e-mail, I just got angry with Jasper and ignored his words, but they made more sense to me now. Edward had every right to be angry that I kept the secret, yes. But not even once did he try to see my side of it. He immediately made the conclusion that I was doing that to hurt him, which was the opposite of what I was trying to do. Even after all we had been through, he had immediately put me in the category of a bad person, although I had never given him any reason to think that way about me during the entire time we knew each other. He could have disagreed with that particular decision of mine and been angry about it, but he didn't need to discard me completely without even giving me a chance to explain my side of things to him properly.

I understood at the heat of that moment and especially because he had just found out of Lizzie's death that he didn't know better. But how about now? After so many weeks had passed? Didn't he think even once that I might not be a bad person after all? And if he did, wouldn't he have tried to reach out to me somehow?

I couldn't reach out to him, that was for sure. His last words to me still rang out loud and clear in my head and I would listen to them. I knew Edward, and I knew that it would never do me any good if I tried to reach him and explain things, unless he initiated the contact. It would only drive him further away.

So I did the only thing I could. I worked non-stop. I ignored Mike's advice and took every single shift I could. I drowned myself in work because it was the only way to numb myself. I hated going to my apartment because it was only in the quiet of my home that the tears sprang to life again. So I tried to stay away from it as much as possible, and even when at home, I always put on music at the top volume to drown out my own thoughts. My neighbors complained but I ignored them.

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

June

I sighed exasperatedly as I went around my kitchen, getting a can of soda from the fridge to drink with my take out, while holding the phone to my ear with one hand.

"Alice, please. I don't feel like doing this right now. I just worked a 48 hour shift and the only thing I want to do is to get some form of nourishment into me then flop down in bed and sleep for two weeks."

"Well, there. That's exactly what I am talking about. Isabella, you are working like a crazy person! You practically live in that hospital. You only come home to shower and sleep. Which, by the way, I'm sure they can find ways for you to do at the hospital if you tried hard enough. Then you'd not need to come home at all!" Her voice got angry at the end and I sighed again.

It was the same thing every Friday. After I had settled back to Seattle and started working, I had made it a point to call Alice and Jasper every Friday evening and let them know that I was fine, while I asked them about how everyone else in LA was. It was something that Alice had insisted on and I had relented all too willingly. I don't know how I would stay sane if I didn't hear them tell me every week that things were alright with everyone.

They told me about Sophie mostly. They told me all about their weekends spent with her and the games they played and the things Sophie said. Alice once asked if I wanted her to call some time when Sophie was there so I could talk to her, but I refused vehemently. Jasper had told me what Edward told Sophie about my sudden disappearance, and I would never try to get in the way of her coping with this situation for my own selfish need of hearing her voice. As far as I was concerned, I would be fine as long as she was fine.

"Are you even listening to me? Isabella!" Alice's high pitched shriek made me lose my train of thought and I quickly tried to think of what she had been talking about.

"Umm…what did you say, again?" I asked with a scrunched up face because I knew she was going to get pissed now.

"I asked if you are still going to the opening of the new wing at Met next week."

I rolled my eyes. Not this again. "Yes, Alice. My answer isn't going to change from the last thousand times I told you so."

"And Dr. Jerkface is going too?"

"Alice! I have told you over and over again about how kind he has been to me these past few months. Please, please, please stop calling him that."

"Whatever. Just 'cause he's nice to you now doesn't take away the fact that he was an asshole before."

"Alice…" I started but she cut me off.

"I'm just happy that you are going somewhere that takes you away from work for a while. It is completely ridiculous how much time…" And with that I spaced out again. I let her ramble on about how unhealthy working so much was for me and the risks I was putting my health in.

"Yes Alice. It's awful to work so much. Yes, I will try to rein myself in. And yes, I am going there with Mike. And no, not as his date. For the billionth time, he is my friend." I said once she was done with her rant.

"Why are you telling me that? I didn't ask you anything about that."

"Not yet. But that's usually the next thing you ask me."

Then she went on a rant about me reading too much into things she tells me and finally when she got bored she handed over the phone to Jasper. I sighed a breath of relief.

"How is Sophie?" I asked him after we had talked for a few minutes. He told me all about how she started going to day care and that Dr. Jackson thinks it is a sign of improvement that she only has had two more panic attacks since the last one in March.

"And is Carlisle taking his meds?" I asked.

"Yeah I think so. Don't tell me to ask him though. The guys in the office already think I'm enough of a pussy with Alice bossing me around and dressing me like I'm her doll. Asking the Pops about his meds just makes me look even weaker ya'know."

I heard a whoosh in the air and then a muted thud. "Ouch!" Jasper yelled.

"I don't boss you around, you jerk!" Alice chirped in the background.

I chuckled at them and then stayed silent for a long time and kept holding the phone to my ears. Jasper and I were both quiet and he finally broke the silence.

"He is doing fine."

I felt the pain in my chest sharpen at the mention of him and it was the same every time. It was hell having to hear about him, but I couldn't help it. I had to know that he was ok.

I let out a long sigh and said goodbye to Jasper and Alice.

o~*~*~*~*~*~o

When Mike suggested this trip to New York, I had initially refused vehemently. He was shocked because going to museums all over the place used to be our thing and I was never one to turn down the arts. Finally when he sensed that there was more to this he pushed me to spill and I told him about the last time I had been to New York and who I had been there with. Mike didn't know much details of my time with the Cullens, but he did know that there was a guy I had been in love with and that I had done something bad so that he would not want to be with me anymore.

When I told him that it would be too painful for me to go to New York, he insisted that we go just for that reason. He said that facing it would allow me to start letting go of some of that pain and then he had gone and purchased tickets for the both of us without telling me. He said it was a birthday present for the birthdays he missed while we weren't friends because of his, and I quote, "assholeness". I cursed myself for somehow always ending up with such pushy friends and packed my bags for our weekend trip.

As I arrived in New York, I all but had a panic attack in the airport, even though I had been prepping myself for this for weeks. Then I cried in the cab ride back to the hotel while Mike held me to his chest. Being here brought back my pain afresh and I really didn't know how to stop myself.

It took me a long time but after a long bath at the hotel I finally relaxed. Mike and I stayed in my room watching cartoons on TV that afternoon and then I spent the next day walking around the malls while Mike met up with some friends. He had begged me to come with him but I told him that I really wasn't in the mood to meet people and would really just like to lose myself in shopping for a while.

I picked out a purple silk dress for the museum event that evening and Mike and I arrived there a little late because we got stuck in traffic. But once we started walking around the place and looking at all the renaissance art, I felt myself relax and I was glad that Mike had insisted we come. I told him as much and he gave me a ridiculous "I told you so" speech that made me reach out and whack his head. He just laughed and fixed his hair and hugged me quickly, telling me that he was glad I had come with him, even though I was a major party pooper with the sour mood.

Just as Mike pulled his arms back from me and we turned to walk to the other room filled with paintings, I saw them. There was a small group of people standing a few feet away from us and we came face to face with them as we turned.

They turned towards us at the same time we turned towards them. None of us had been aware of each others' presence until that moment.

Looking right at Mike and I were Carlisle and Edward.

Carlisle was wearing a dark suit with a dark shirt, looking as handsome as ever, holding a drink in his hand. His face was a mix of surprise and caution and worry as he stared at me.

And Edward. My Edward. Edward, who I had broken. Edward, whose eyes I didn't dare meet, because I was afraid of seeing the hatred that was sure to be there. I was taking deep breaths to steady myself while I took in his appearance. To everyone else he would've looked just fine. An accomplished businessman who was well dressed, with a stubble and eyes that were a little tired from all the work and travelling he did. But I knew better. I could see the rest. He had a stubble that showed that he probably hadn't shaved for days. There were slightly dark circles under his eyes, not ones that showed he hadn't slept at all last night, but rather an accumulative lack of sleep over months. His navy Armani suit that once fit him in every single angle of his body sat loose on his shoulders. He had lost weight. He looked haggard, beaten and defeated. To everyone else he just looked disinterested.

My mind was a cacophony of emotions as I once again came face to face with Edward. One minute I wanted to run to him and hold him in my arms and kiss him. Another minute, I wanted to fall on his feet and beg him for forgiveness. And the next minute, I wanted to slap him for hating me.

I felt my arms and shoulders go cold and my head felt a little dizzy. This couldn't be happening. After all this time, we couldn't meet because of another fucking coincidence. But before I could lose myself any further Mike spoke and made me sober up.

"Oh, Mr. Cullen! What a pleasure to see you here, sir. Those pictures of you in the papers don't do you any justice. I am Dr. Mike Newton, Head of Cardiothoracic Surgery at Seattle Mercy. This is Dr. Isabella Swan."

The gentleman that Mike was, he quickly reached out his hand for Carlisle to shake. After his initial shock wore off, Carlisle reached out and took his hand as he smiled politely.

"Dr. Newton, it's nice to meet you. This is my son, Edward. And we actually already know Isabella quite well. It's nice to see you again, dear." His eyes softened at the end and I felt tears springing to my eyes as the sound of Carlisle's loving voice enveloped me after so long. The moment was broken by Edward abruptly stomping off, away from the group. Someone else started saying something to Carlisle and he warily picked up the conversation, but his eyes kept flitting to mine repeatedly, and I all but kept staring at him.

I excused myself after a while to use the ladies' room, because I needed to get a grip on myself. I hated the fact that the make-up wouldn't allow me to splash some water on my face. Instead, I just went inside one of the stalls and sat there for a long time, hugging myself and getting my breathing under control. I didn't emerge again until Mike started calling my cell phone in panic because I had been gone for so long.

When I finally came out, Mike kept asking me repeatedly if I was ok and if I wanted to go home, because apparently I looked "pale as a ghost". I was just about to tell him that I wanted to go home when I caught sight of Edward again.

Carlisle and Edward were standing in a corner where Edward was glaring angrily at Carlisle and growling something under his breath, while Carlisle held his shoulder and tried to calm him.

I realized it would be childish of me to leave like that and decided to go and talk to them before we left. I excused myself from Mike.

I started walking towards them and Edward's eyes widened for a second as he saw me approach. Then he slammed down the drink in his hand on the table next to him and walked off without so much as another glance in my direction. I felt tears stinging my eyes but just swallowed repeatedly to try to make them stay back. His rejection hurt every single time and just as much as the first time.

I willed the tears away as I watched his retreating form leaving the room, and finally turned my eyes to Carlisle again, who was watching me with a sad face. I tried to smile slightly and walked up to him.

"It really is good to see you, Isabella." He said with a sincere expression that made the tears spring back to life and it took every bit of willpower in me to hold them back. I quickly changed the subject.

"I was surprised to see you here. I asked Alice last week…to make sure you guys weren't in town around the same time. I could swear she told me you'd be in LA."

He chuckled lightly. "Seems like Alice had plans of her own. She knows we are closing a very important deal here in New York this week and she insisted we come to this opening to get some time to relax. She actually bought the tickets and had them delivered to us this morning."

I shook my head in disbelief. Alice and I were going to have a very long talk as soon as I had the chance. What the hell was she trying to pull!

I stood there talking to Carlisle about his health and Sophie for a few more minutes, but I kept getting nervous thinking of Edward. I didn't want to still be talking to Carlisle when he got back because I didn't want a scene to be created here. When the conversation winded down and I realized I would soon have to say goodbye to Carlisle again I felt the pain inside my chest rise to the surface. How could I love this man, who wasn't even related to me by blood, so much? The thought of not knowing when I will see him again made a flash of pain rip through me and I quickly looked away from his intense eyes.

Carlisle then completely took me by surprise as his face suddenly twisted and he quickly pulled me into his arms.

"Oh, darling." He whispered as he gently ran his hand down my head. "I've missed you so much. More than I can tell you."

I pulled back from him and looked at him with wide eyes. "Even though you hate me?"

Now his eyes widened in surprise. "Why would I hate you?"

"Carlisle, you must hate me. I hate me." I said in a soft but incredulous voice.

His face hardened and his eyes tightened. "Isabella, you need to understand something very clearly. You are not to be held responsible for my wife's ridiculous wishes. Keeping her truth a secret from her family was completely and totally her decision. You have merely respected that. I will not shoot the messenger. Any problems I have with this situation, I will take up with her and not an innocent girl who she put in a difficult position."

I took in a sharp breath as his words registered. Could he really mean that? How could he possibly not blame me?

Carlisle saw the doubt in my eyes and continued as he reached out a hand and stroked my head. "You have loved my family in so many different ways. You loved my wife when she was alone and sick. When she didn't have her own family to love her. You loved my grandchild when she asked for it. And you loved my son even though he was broken in pieces. You were a true friend to my other children. All that love you have given my family, and the only thing we have given you in return has been heartache. Lizzie hurt you when she left you a few years ago. And we hurt you when we let you go a few months ago. And here you stand in front of me, only a shell of the bright ray of sunshine that was the girl I knew; the one that lit up my entire house. All because you tried to love the two parts of my family that hated each other, and because you took the blow from each side. How can I possibly ever feel anything but gratitude and penance and utter love towards you, darling?"

I looked away from him as my tears spilled over and quickly wiped them away. This wasn't what I was after. I didn't want him to say those things to me right now. It was all too much. I quickly reached up and hugged him tightly before excusing myself to go to the ladies' room.

When I emerged from the restroom this time, Mike quickly found me and ushered me towards a group of surgeons that he had come across. We stood with them for a long time chatting about health care politics and I tried my best to not incessantly search the room for him. Even though I hadn't seen him for a long time now, his presence lingered in the space around me and I took in shuddering breaths every time I realized that I was standing in the same building as him.

There was so much I wanted to say to him. So much I wanted him to say to me. But I knew that none of it could ever get said. I had known as soon as I had seen the intense hatred in his eyes when he first spotted me.

"Oh my god! Is that Johnson?" Mike suddenly bellowed out from beside me, and before I had the chance to look at who he was talking about he had excused us from the group of surgeons and with a hand on the small of my back led me to a new group of men, among whom stood Johnson, a friend of Mike's from college.

I froze as soon as I realized that Edward and Carlisle were also standing with the same group of people. Carlisle stood on the opposite side of the group from where Mike was, while Edward stood towards the side, with two men between him and me.

Johnson and Mike talked animatedly for a while as I stood there holding my breath and trying to look as normal as I could, while in such close proximity to Edward. I didn't dare look at him though but I could feel every single movement of his body even though there were two other people between us. Just as I was wondering why he still hadn't stomped off like before, Carlisle caught my eye and shot me a reassuring smile. I tried to smile back, but I'm sure it came out more like a grimace.

"Hey, Mike, have you met Mr. Cullen? He is a major contributor to the Museum's funds." Johnson said as he looked quite pleased with himself at being acquainted with Carlisle Cullen.

"Yeah, we met earlier." Mike said with a smile towards Carlisle then turned to Johnson again.

"And this is Dr. Isabella Swan, my colleague from Seattle. And of course, my dear friend."

As he said this Mike smiled down at me softly and put an arm on my back.

I don't know why, but I looked at Edward then. Maybe because I knew him in my bones and I anticipated his next action. Or rather, what would have been his next action if we were back in the days when he used to feel something other than hatred towards me.

And I was surprised, because he did just that.

Edward's eyes immediately snapped towards Mike's hand on my back. Then he slowly looked up at Mike like he was going to kill him. His nostrils flared and his fists clenched on his sides. I looked at Carlisle and he surreptitiously put a hand on Edward's shoulder as his body moved forward. Another group of people joined our little circle and everyone started talking animatedly as new introductions were being made. Edward and I were the only ones in the group that remained quiet and we avoided looking at each other.

And because Mike was an idiot, this time when he was introducing me to someone, he put an arm around my shoulder. Before I could even register what had happened, I felt someone grabbing my arm. I turned to see a pair of furious green eyes glaring down at me.

Without so much as even looking at Mike or acknowledging anyone else in the group, Edward just yanked me by my arm and dragged me across the room, out the door to the balcony overlooking the street outside. The balcony was not lit by any other lights other than the ones coming from the city outside and there was no one other than us out there. Edward slammed the door shut behind him and turned to me with fierce eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing with him?" He all but snarled.

Was he for real? With everything else that lay between him and me, Mike was what had finally prompted him to speak to me?

My fury and indignation at his actions knew no bounds.

I refused to look at him and turned to leave. This man was impossible.

He came and grabbed my arm again, preventing me from reaching for the door. "I asked you a fucking question."

"That I chose not to answer." I said in a calm voice without looking at him.

His face tightened even more and he lowered his voice menacingly. It was somehow scarier than the snarling. "What are you doing with him, Isabella?"

I puffed out a breath and turned to face him. I knew he wouldn't let this go until I answered him so I bit the bullet. "What does it look like, Edward? I am looking at artwork."

"Why the fuck is he touching you?" He said before the last word escaped my lips.

None of your business since you couldn't care less about me, I thought in my head.

"He is my friend." I said out loud.

"He fucking broke you." He looked at me with disgust, like he couldn't believe I could do that to myself. I had really had enough of this. I looked him square in the eye and spoke in a cold voice.

"He's not the only one."

His eyes flashed and he went red with indignation. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You heard me." I kept my eyes steadily fixed on his.

His nostrils flared. "I broke you? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, Edward. I am not fucking kidding you. As much as you might like to believe it, you are not the only one with a heart around here and not all the rest of us are ice cold bitches that don't feel anything."

"You betrayed me!" He yelled and kept blinking in astonishment.

There was that word again.

"I kept a secret because I made a promise." I said with gritted teeth.

"I don't fucking care what your reasons are. You fucking lied!"

"I didn't have a choice."

He quickly grabbed my arm again and his face was so close to mine I could feel the angry puffs of air escaping his mouth. "You always had a choice. Don't fucking say that. There is always a choice."

"It wasn't my secret to reveal, Edward." My voice was soft, but stern.

"Oh, really? Whose was it then? Hers?" He spat and stepped back from me as he released my arm.

"Yes, exactly. It was her secret that she chose to keep from her family. And she made me promise to never look you up or tell you anything in case I ever met you guys. I was keeping a promise. I wasn't out to get you."

He laughed a humorless laugh. "Of course she fucking did. The only fucking thing that was good in my life after she fucked it up, she tried to keep from me too."

I ignored that and continued. This was my only chance to tell him this because I was pretty sure this would be the last time we would be talking.

"It wasn't my secret to share. It was her decision and no matter what I thought about it, I promised her that I would respect it."

He took another step back from me. His eyes lost the fire and hurt seeped through. I immediately wished that he would go back to the anger. His anger I could deal with. But his pain at a moment when I wasn't allowed to comfort him was too much for me to handle.

"What about what we had? Did that mean absolutely nothing to you?" He asked.

"Of course it did!" I all but shrieked.

"But not enough for you to tell me the truth?"

I went quiet and closed my eyes as I tried to find words to explain. He spoke again before I did.

"See, that's the fucking thing. Right there. It would have been one thing if you had just lied, or just kept all that shit to yourself. If it would only have been that, I could have lived with it. But what you did was so much worse. Because when all is said and done, at the end of the day, you fucking chose the woman who ruined my life over me."

I looked at him for a long moment in disbelief. Did he really not see it? How could he be so stupid?

I felt my knees go weak and had to sit down on the bench behind me before speaking.

"Don't you see Edward? That's the exact opposite of what I did that day."

I waited for him to see my point but he just kept looking at me dejectedly. I took a deep breath and started explaining.

"When I met you guys, at first, I chose my best friend's wishes over her family who I had just happened to come across by some twisted joke of fate. And I had no doubts in my mind about not revealing her secrets to you guys, because you were only an extension of her and my loyalties lay first and foremost with her. And more than anything else, this was something she chose to keep from her own family. I was in no position to contend that decision.

But then…But then I fell in love with your family. And you became my friend. And I made connections to you independent of her. And something that was so black and white to me became gray. Because my loyalties started to dwindle as I got closer to you. I suffered every single day, feeling trapped between the weight of her promise and how adamant she was about it, and just telling you all of it. And if I didn't tell you, I was risking losing not only my own connection to you guys, but the change in all of you, the happiness in Sophie and the peace in you, the laughter in your house. It would all come crashing down. I couldn't win either way. I would betray someone I loved no matter which way I went."

I closed my eyes as the tears spilled over now.

"But then, just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated, they did. You became…more. Everything."

I took a deep breath and wiped my face. Then I looked up at Edward's eyes as I spoke with a determined voice.

"And the day I chose to reveal her secrets to you because I broke down at the sight of you sitting on those stairs and begging me like you begged her….That day, Edward Cullen, I chose you over the woman who meant everything to me and made me into who I am today, and whom I owed my life to. I broke my promise to her because I didn't want to break you. I chose you."

Edward's face wore a blank expression. He was stunned into silence. He opened his mouth but no sounds came out. But it hadn't gone soft like I had hoped. He didn't understand. He hadn't seen my point like I had hoped he would. He just stood there and stared at me. And this hurt the most of all. More than everything that had happened in the last year.

Even after I had explained, even after I told him my side of things, he still couldn't see it.

Carlisle could see it, Jasper could see it, Alice could see it. My parents could see it. Hell, even Lizzie could probably see it. But he couldn't see it. And he was the only one out of all those people that I had prayed with everything in me to love me enough to see it.

I shuddered with sobs that tried to break out of my chest and I felt the ground under me finally starting to swallow me whole. At that moment, I hated everything around me. I hated that I had loved Lizzie so much. I hated that I loved him even more. I hated that he couldn't see it. I hated me for doing this to myself over and over again.

There was only so much I could take. I threw him one more pained and disgusted look and said one more sentence before storming out of the place. I was going to set myself free this time.

"Get the fuck out of my life Edward Cullen."

A/N: 3 chappies in a week! That's gotta be some sorta record, right? Am I making up for my MIA period or what? Lol.

You kids can blame the kiddies on Twitter for the "moral support" in getting this one out so fast. I had no idea it would be this much fun to interact with my readers that way! So yeah, come and see me there and join the girlies in egging me on if you want fast updates. Although, maybe not too many of you. I mean, I DO have a RL after all. I can't just write all the time. Lol.

Anyways, I tweet at raindrops855, for those of you that can handle the craziness.

And, I put up an amazingly insightful review of the last chappy by YankeeDiva on the site. Go read it if you hate Isabella's guts…she'll make your mind tickle with some amazing arguments.

Finally, I do realize that I will get some more death threats because of the continuing angst…but before you get your pitchforks and hatchets out, lemme just say one thing…the shore is closer than you think it is. :)

Raindrops *hearts* Jadalulu 4ever. You should know that by now!