Peridot tossed Pearl's Gemstone at Steven, who caught it in his right hand. He closely examined it—not a scratch. "You decided not to go through with it?" he asked.

Peridot rolled her eyes as she dug through Pearl's desk. "Honestly, did you EVER think I was going to do it?"

"For a while there, yeah, I did."

"Please. I couldn't kill Garrison, Garnet, or even Bismuth. Pearl's descent into villainy is already tragic enough, no need to make it any more tragic." Peridot pulled Mr. Hat out of the desk and examined it. Then, she walked to the window and glanced outside. The fighting had ceased, the Diamonds declared a ceasefire, and both sides were now taking a body count. "There's been enough death and destruction lately. I decided I don't want to add to it."

Steven wiped a tear away. "Peridot, you… you did the right thing." Looking up, he saw the Diamonds approach the window. He did, as well, and opened it. "So, uh… this is awkward."

"Oh, yeah, I suppose you're here to kill us, now?" Peridot asked, to which Yellow Diamond shook her head.

"We must speak with the ones known as 'Tweek' and 'Craig'," she announced. "We must know if they succeeded in the mission that our dear sister Pink gave them."

Stan entered the room, followed by Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Wendy. "Tweek and Craig are on their way," Stan said. "They were busy meeting up with… uh, well, they wouldn't say."

Pink nodded. "I'd asked them to keep their mission a secret, even from their closest friends."

Steven looked SUPER uncomfortable. "Um. Pink Diamond?" he asked. "I've kind of been having a moral crisis for, like, two years now, and I was wondering if you had the answers. You are the SAME Pink Diamond, right? The one that was… shattered? Allegedly?"

Pink nodded. "You… must be Steven Universe."

"You know my name?"

"Let's just say word of your exploits reached Hell." Pink Diamond, of course, was lying, but she couldn't very well tell Steven the truth. He was dealing with too much already. "What is your question?"

"So, uh, you're dead, right?"

"For all intents and purposes."

Steven swallowed and grabbed his elbow. "Uh… So… Rose Quartz was my mother."

Pink feigned ignorance. "Is that so? I never would have guessed."

"And she's… kind of the reason you're in Hell to begin with, right? At least, that's what I've been told..."

"Did Rose Quartz truly shatter me? Is that what you are asking me?"

"I guess so."

Pink Diamond sighed. "Steven…" What could she say? He had other things to focus on right now. If she told him the truth… "Steven Quartz Universe. Your mother, Rose Quartz, was a brilliant warrior and strategist. During the war, she led the Crystal Gems through many victories, she kept her troops' morale high even through their many, many losses and setbacks, and she fought valiantly and passionately for what she believed in. And… yes, Rose Quartz is the one who shattered me."

Steven looked down at the floor sadly. Stan frowned, and approached him, deciding to pat his back to comfort him. By now, Kyle and the others had already filled him in on the Rose Quartz-Pink Diamond fiasco (to which he predictably responded "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.") Though he was unsure why Pink Diamond was actively lying to her own son, he figured she had a good reason. Besides… he needed to grill Pink about something else, later, so he needed to keep her in a good mood.

"I guess I already knew that…" Steven muttered. "I'd just hoped that—"

"I'm not finished," Pink interrupted. "Rose Quartz shattered me. BUT. You are not Rose Quartz." This surprised Steven. "Any heinous crimes that she committed are not yours to bear." Not the shattering, not the colonizing, not the Zoo… "If I were you, I'd forget all about Rose Quartz. She's not around anymore. You don't have to live in her shadow. She's not our problem anymore, and she was NEVER your problem."

Steven smiled. "Wow… Gee, thanks, Pink Diamond. I gotta be honest. You're really nice. I kind of assumed you were crazy and homicidal. You know, from all of the stories I'd been told about how crazy and homicidal you were."

"Just be glad you aren't in White's presence," Yellow said, aside. "We're unreasonable. She's four times as unreasonable."

Steven was a little freaked out by that statement. "More unreasonable than you?"

"Yes, I know, isn't that just absurd? White is, as some of the newer Gems would say, 'insane in the membrane'."

Suddenly, a bright light shone from the office doors. Everyone turned to stare, and they saw Kenny enter the room. "Hey guys, what's going on?" Kenny asked, his voice obscured by his parka.

"Kenny, where the hell were you?" Kyle asked. "Shit hit the fan and you missed it."

"Yeah, thanks for bailing on us, Kenny, you poor asshole," Cartman berated Kenny.

Kenny shrugged. "Tweek and Craig are here."

Tweek and Craig entered the room… notably, not carrying the nuclear football. "Yeah, we're here," Craig said.

"Agh! Oh god, who are these people?!" Tweek exclaimed as he approached the window and stared up at the Diamonds. "Seriously, who are these people?!"

Pink Diamond smiled and knelt down to their level. "Tweek and Craig… you were asked to retrieve the nuclear football. Do you have it with you?"

Craig shook his head. "Nope. We got it, and brought it back to Ro—" Craig glanced at Steven. "Uh, the woman who asked us to bring it to her."

Pink Diamond frowned. "Uh… what do you mean you brought it to her? That's impossible."

"Yeah, she was waiting outside the building for us," Craig nodded. "Said she had to take it somewhere important."

Pink shook her head. "No, no, that can't be. It's me. I'M the Gem who asked you to steal it, and I certainly don't remember—" she gasped. "Oh my god."

"What is it now?" Yellow asked, slightly bored with the situation.

Pink looked down at Steven. "Steven. This is important. Did you, at any point, encounter the Canadian Crystal Gems?"

Steven looked confused. "Uh, yeah? Pearl had them trapped in our temple, so we went over there and freed them!"

"No!" Pink exclaimed. "No, no, no! There was a REASON they were ostracized from the Crystal Gems!"

"What? How do you know—?"

"Steven, you have to listen to me," Pink pleaded. "The Canadian Crystal Gems are NOT who they say they are. They were as much my enemy as they were Rose Quartz's enemy."

Pink Diamond was really starting to scare Steven now. "I don't understand, what are you—?"

"We need to find them," Pink resolved, standing up.

Yellow rolled her eyes. "Pink, is this really—"

"Right now!" Pink demanded, rather aggressively. "We don't have time to waste, we're going to go find them, immediately." Pink turned around and marched away from the White House, to begin her search. Confused, Yellow turned to Blue—for once, she was chuckling.

"And I always thought YOU were the assertive one," she quipped.

Steven looked up at Yellow and Blue. "Wait, I still don't know anything. WHY should we be afraid of the Canadian Gems?"

Yellow jerked her head in Pink's direction. "Just follow her. I'm sure she'll explain on the way."

Nodding, Steven bubbled Pearl and sent her back to the temple—just for now, he's release her later once he was SURE Peridot wouldn't kill her. Then, he hopped out the window and followed Pink Diamond. "Come on, guys, let's go." Garnet, Amethyst, Bismuth, Peridot, and Connie all started following him.

Stan turned to his friends. "Well, you guys heard him. Follow Steven." Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Tweek, and Craig all started following as well. As soon as everyone left, Randy arrived.

"Stan! Stan, I have to…" he trailed off as he looked around. Only Sheila and CLASSi were in here. "Where the hell is everyone?"

"You just missed them," Sheila said. "They followed the Diamonds to their spaceships."

Randy glared out onto the White House lawn. "God fucking damn it!" he exclaimed. "I need to put an ankle bracelet on this fucking shit-ass kid, I swear…" As he turned around, he bumped into Greg, who himself was just entering the room. "...and who the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Greg Universe. Have you seen Steven anywhere? He's my son."

"...oh, that's awkward."

Rose marched towards the Washington Monument, the nuclear football in her hands. Saddam Hussein was waiting for her, standing in front of Yellow Diamond's warship.

"Well? Did you get it?" Saddam asked.

"I sure did, buddy!" Rose responded.

"Stop!" she heard behind her. Groaning, Rose turned around and glared at Garnet, who was quickly approaching her, followed by most of the other Crystal Gems, the Boys, the Diamonds, and their other allies. Steven slid to a stop, thoroughly confused and shocked.

"Mom?!" He took another step forward. "That's impossible, and confusing. If I have your Gem how can you be—?!"

"That's not Rose Quartz," Garnet growled. "It's an imposter."

Rose crossed her arms and smirked. "You guys are fast," she said. "I thought we were aboot to get away cleanly, but it looks like we weren't fast enough."

Steven gasped. "'Aboot'...?" he muttered. "You're Canadian!"

Rose blinked—suddenly, her sparkling pupils were replaced with little beady eyes, and her head began to flap as she spoke. "Verrrry clever, friend. It looks like you inherited your mother's observational skills." Suddenly, she was surrounded in a bright glow, the Gemstone on her navel sparkled, and her form began to change. Her face simplified, her hair became shorter and curlier, her arms and legs changed from their organic shapes into simple geometric shaped, and a beard began to form on her chin. It was now apparent that this was no ordinary Gem.

This was another hybrid, much like Steven. He retrieved square-framed glasses from his pocket and placed them on his face. He was…

"...Seth Rogen?" Kyle said flatly.

"Dude, what the hell?" Stan asked. "Are you serious right now?"

Steven blinked. "Wh… what?"

"What, did you think you were the only one, buddy?" Rogen asked. "Your Rose wasn't the only one who realized she could create new life. My mother, Canadian Rose Quartz, was banished from the Crystal Gems many thousands of years ago after she questioned your mother's methods and threatened a mutiny after she shattered Pink Diamond. In that time, she and her followers, Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl, went into hiding to escape the wrath of the Crystal Gems. But then they found us, and they destroyed the place we called home, under Pearl's orders.

"When Garnet and Amethyst defected, we thought that, maybe, we could be united once again to defeat our mutual enemy, Pearl," Rogen continued, before glaring at Steven and Stan. "But then you assholes activated the Kindergarten and teamed up with Homeworld. We realized that all of you had been… corrupted, for lack of a better term. But what was it that corrupted you?"

Rogen paced the area. "After much internal debate, I found my answer. It was this," he said as he gestured to one of the many United States flags that circled the monument. "The so-called 'land of the free' and the 'home of the brave'. The nation that calls itself a nation of immigrants while also separating those immigrant families at the border, locking their kids in cages. The nation where God and guns are worshipped in the same households, where the right to own a gun takes priority over many lives it could take, where a woman's body is not her own. This nation corrupts all who set foot in it. It is for this reason that we've decided that the only way to save this planet… is to destroy the United States."

"'We'?" Stan asked.

Rogen slowly raised his left hand. Mitch Conner was there. "Boy, you sure do ask a lot of questions," he said.

"Mitch Conner, you backstabber!" Peridot yelled.

"Do you really think you're any better than Rose Quartz?!" Kyle asked. "Your split with her was over Pink Diamond's shattering. You're talking about ending MILLIONS of innocent lives."

"Is any American truly innocent, friend?" Rogen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, you psychotic asshole!" Kyle exclaimed. "Fucking listen to yourself, you xenophobic piece of shit!"

Rogen shrugged. "Maybe so. But it was my mother who disagreed with Rose Quartz's methods." He turned his back on the many enemies he'd just made. "And I am not my mother." He slowly opened the briefcase, and retrieved a key from his pocket. "Do you know what this is?"

"Where did you get that key?!" Pink Diamond asked.

Craig sighed. "That was us. Pearl dropped the key in the hallways after the alien ship crashed and we picked it up."

"Wow, Craig, you really screwed the pooch on this one," Cartman chastised Craig. "This is why nobody likes you." This earned him a glare from both Tweek and Craig.

Rogen chuckled. "Bickering til the end. I like that." He inserted the key into the slot and turned it.

"BUT, he doesn't know the launch codes," Tweek pointed out. "We didn't give him those."

"Well, let's see here, Pearl was the President," Rogen muttered. "That means the code is LIKELY of some importance to her. How about… 08142002."

Pink gasped. "That's Steven's birthday!" This earned her a weird look from the Crystal Gems.

"How do you know that?" Steven asked.

"Uh, Hell stuff, I see all, I know all."

Rogen just needed one more detail. "As for the location… how about THESE coordinates! 38 degrees north, 75 degrees west."

Garnet instantly recognized those coordinates. "That's Beach City! Don't press that button!"

Seth pressed the button, and grinned. "Too late."

"Wow, you guys are FUCKED!" Saddam exclaimed. "I'm getting all hot just thinking about it! Hey Seth, let's fuck!"

Rogen nodded. "Gladly. See you around, Crystal Gems!" He and Saddam then turned around and ran—Saddam smacked Seth's ass as they ran.

"We have to stop him!" Steven exclaimed. He started to run after Seth and Saddam, but Stan stopped him.

"It's too late now, he's not our problem," he said. "We have to stop that nuke!"

"How are we supposed to do that?" Peridot asked. "He already initiated the launch!"

"For a target that close, they aren't going to use missiles," Stan explained. "They're going to use a smaller bomb. That means they're loading it onto a plane right now, if we hurry we can stop them in time!"

"Quickly!" Garnet commanded. "To the closest Air Force base!"

Stan looked up at the Diamonds. "Yeah, WE'LL go stop the bomb. You guys stay here and kick Seth Rogen's ass."

"Are we really taking orders from an Earth child?" Yellow asked, an eyebrow raised.

"To save Homeworld? Yes. Yes we are," Pink replied. "Remember, if we screw this up, it's not just Earth on the line. There is absolutely nothing stopping a portal to Hell from opening on or near Homeworld."

"Oh, alright, let's make this quick."

The team split up; The Diamonds went after Seth and Saddam, while the Crystal Gems and their allies made their way to the closest Air Force base. As soon as the Crystal Gems left, Randy arrived. "Stan? Stan, are you here?"

Yellow Diamond glared down at Randy. "Stanley Marsh has departed already. He and the others are making their way to a base just outside the district as we speak."

Randy, seemingly unfazed by the fact that he was speaking to the Great Diamond Authority, just stomped his foot. "Jesus Christ, Stan, can't you stay in one place for more than three seconds? Fucking kid…"

General Revaur sat in his office at Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling, having just arrived from Cuba. As he sipped on a cup of coffee, awaiting the go-ahead for a ceasefire with the Canadians, an official from the Department of Defense entered the room. "General Revaur, we've received new orders from the Pentagon."

"I AM the Pentagon!" Revaur protested. "...what do they want?"

"The Football has been activated, and the coordinates pertain to a small resort town on the Delmarva coast."

Revaur spit out his coffee. "Jesus Christ, the new President's insane!" He stood up. "Well, let's go load the plane."

The DOD official held a hand up in protest. "W-Wait a second, sir," he said. "Don't you want to, you know, follow up on that? Make sure it's ACTUALLY the President who wants us to do this, and not some rando who got their hands on the Football?"

"Well, they had the key and the launch codes, that's good enough, isn't it?"

"And you have no qualms about what we're about to do?"

Revaur rolled his eyes. "Soldier, need I remind you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO SAFEGUARDS AGAINST THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DECIDING TO LAUNCH A NUCLEAR STRIKE WHATSOEVER?"

The official nodded. "Ah, yes. NOBODY ON THE CHAIN OF COMMAND BETWEEN THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO OVERRIDE A PRESIDENT'S DECISION TO LAUNCH A NUCLEAR STRIKE, EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT IS CLEARLY NOT ACTING IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE UNITED STATES. How could I forget?"

Revaur motioned to the door. "Come on, we have a lot of innocent civilians to kill."

Team A approached the base. A large B-52 Stratofortress (or the Big Ugly Fat Fucker, as it is actually informally referred to in real life, look it up, that's real), sat on the runway. Several servicemen attended the plane to make sure it was prepared for flight. As it was the same plane used to bomb Canada last year, it was already fully equipped and operational—all they needed to do was load the bomb into the cargo bay.

Speaking of which, they were doing that now. A large, old-timey gravity bomb was being wheeled to the plane on a large cart. One of the crew looked over at his friend. "Geez, can you believe we still HAVE these things lying around?"

The other one shrugged. "Yeah, I heard this one was built in the 50s. It's so old, it'll probably blow at the slightest—" The cart hit a rock, and the bomb fell to the ground, landing with a loud THUD.

"Jesus Christ!" the first crew member exclaimed. "Be careful with that, dipshit! You'll blow the entire district up!"

"Sorry, sorry, just help me get it back onto the cart."

Watching from behind cover, Peridot narrowed her eyes. "That's not how nuclear bombs work," she muttered. "The atoms are separated by a solid material, they won't combine until they need to."

"How do you know all of that?" Steven asked.

"One of the odd jobs I did on Homeworld involved disposing of old hydrogen bombs," she explained. "We switched to neutrino bombs in the second era so—"

"Holy shit," Stan muttered. "You guys are fucking insane."

"Hey, work is work, okay? I had to pay the bills somehow. Look, the point is that until they arm the bomb, it's safe to destroy," Peridot said, rolling her eyes. "And even then, they'd have to burn the tritium and activate the x-ray emitter inside to compress the hydrogen."

"Hehe, hehehe," Kenny laughed. "Tit."

"That's not what I said, Kenny."

"Look, can we stop arguing about it and just go stop them?" Stan asked.

"We'll likely be shot on-site," Peridot said. "We need to wait until—Wait, wait, everyone shut up!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look over there!"

The group looked to where Peridot pointed—the rest of the Canadian Gems were standing near the plane, observing as it was loaded. "The Canadian Gems, those assholes!" Cartman exclaimed. "They're guarding the plane!"

"So why don't we march in there and kick their asses?" Wendy asked. "Bismuth's the Acting President, now. They're not going to shoot at HER."

"I'm with the girl," Bismuth nodded, standing up as she did so. "It's now or never."

The group approached General Revaur. "Ms. Vice President!" the General greeted. "And you brought kids with you. I hate kids."

"Up yours, asshole," Stan retorted.

"That's Ms. President, to you," Bismuth said, ignoring Stan. "Pearl's been… incapacitated. I've taken over her duties for the time being, and I need you to cancel this launch."

Meanwhile, Lapis and Chef snuck onto the base as well, simply to make sure the Crystal Gems succeeded on their mission. They hid behind a bush and observed the exchange. "This is getting pretty intense!" Chef whispered.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Lapis muttered. "This all seems too… easy. I think they're walking into a trap."

"Aw, shit."

General Revaur hummed. "Are you saying it wasn't you who ordered the strike?"

Bismuth shook her head. "No, somebody else got their hands on the football."

"Well can I talk to THAT person?"

"...what?"

"Only the person who ordered the launch can have it canceled."

Kyle glared at the general. "Are you serious?!" he groaned.

"Look, that bomb's set to get dropped on Beach City," Bismuth explained. "That was CLEARLY a terrorist move."

Revaur shrugged. "Well, unless you can get that terrorist to tell me to stop the launch, you're gonna have a lot of vaporized beachgoers on your hands." He then walked away, as this was no longer his problem.

Garnet hummed. "Hmm. He doesn't seem to care very much about his job."

"Alright, screw this, let's just go over there and beat up whoever's flying the plane," Stan said. He led the group closer to the plane, where they were instantly spotted by the Canadian Crystal Gems.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing, buddy?!" Canadian Pearl asked. Granite and Citrine assumed battle stances as the Crystal Gems approached them.

"No, what do you think YOU'RE doing?!" Amethyst asked. "You're bombing Beach City? Do you think that makes you ANY better than Pearl or Rose?"

"You assholes teamed up with Homeworld, guy!" Citrine pointed out. "That's ultimate bad guy shit!"

"That wasn't THEM!" Stan defended. "That was me. All me."

"And I suppose you're ALSO the one who authorized the activation of the Canadian Kindergarten?" Granite asked.

"Oh, well, no, that was them."

"Gee, thanks, Stan," Peridot said sarcastically.

"Well I'm not gonna LIE to them!" Stan argued. "You guys broke the Earth and I brought the alien invaders, it was a 50/50 contribution."

"None of that MATTERS!" Steven tried to quell the argument. He turned to the Canadian Gems. "Look, we ALL did what we thought we had to do. That doesn't make any of it right, but… is it really any different from what you guys are doing right now? Two wrongs don't make a right. A-and we already made two wrongs, so I think making a third wrong is just gonna make things worse."

Canadian Pearl summoned a sword from her Gem. "Enough talk! We're not aboot to be lectured on right and wrong from Homeworld loyalists! The United States of America isn't the land of opportunity! It's the land of corruption, and the only way to maintain peace and love on planet Earth is for us to destroy the problem at its source! Starting with YOU!"

She ran towards Steven. Steven summoned his shield, and blocked the attack. Amethyst retrieved her whip, and grabbed the sword from Canadian Pearl's hands. Connie leapt as high as she could and caught the sword in mid-air, and followed this up by attempting to poof Canadian Pearl with her own weapon as soon as she landed. She slashed. Canadian Pearl dodged. Citrine stepped forward, grabbed Connie, and tossed her aside; Steven's eyes widened.

"Connie!" he yelled out, letting his guard down. This gave Canadian Pearl the opening she needed. She moved on him, grabbing her sword on the way, and smacked Steven with the blunt end, busting his lip and causing him to fall over. As he did so, he dropped his shield, which rolled away.

"Steven!" Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, and Connie all shouted in unison. But none of them fuckin' did anything, they never do, what's up with that?

Stan stared at the shield, which landed just a few feet from him, but for some reason, had yet to disappear, as it normally did when Steven was separated from it. Realizing that he needed to act, Stan ran for the shield, and grabbed it.

Granite encased Garnet, Amethyst, and Bismuth's feet in stone, hindering their movement. Citrine retrieved what appeared to be a bolas and tossed it at Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Wendy, and Peridot. As it wrapped around them, entangling them, the rock slammed into Kenny's balls, causing him to double over in pain.

"Agh, fuck!" Kenny yelled as he covered his balls and knelt, barely able to see past his tears.

"Nngh! Oh my stars!" Peridot exclaimed, struggling against her restraints. "She killed Kenny's chances at ever reproducing!"

"Agh, you bastard!" Kyle yelled, also trying to break free.

"Oh, jeez, fellas, I think that's the least of our worries!" Butters said, staring wide-eyed at Steven, who was still lying on the floor. Steven looked up. Canadian Pearl stood over him.

"H-hey, let's talk about this, buddy…" Steven said as he laughed nervously.

"I'm not your buddy, friend," Canadian Pearl said darkly. She raised her sword, the sunlight reflecting a glint into Steven's eye.

"Ah, shit," Steven muttered.

"Steven, language," Garnet chastised.

"He's about to die, you're seriously getting on him about swearing?" Kyle asked, glaring at Garnet.

"No he's not," Garnet replied, smirking.

Canadian Pearl swung the sword down, causing Steven to flinch. Just then, Stan jumped in front of Steven, holding the shield in front of them. This made Canadian Pearl very angry.

"Hey, knock it off, guy!" she yelled as she slammed the shield. "I'm just going to kill both of you, now!" She swung the sword down two more times, causing the shield to crack. On the third swing, it shattered, and she raised the sword one more time… before dropping it in shock.

"Dude," Cartman said, pretty shocked himself. "What."

"The," Kyle continued.

"Fuck." Kenny finished.

Only one boy was standing where Steven and Stan were.