XXV

Song

"The Tyrant Breath mission?" Hibari asked.

Alisa nodded assuredly, despite the tiny shake in her hands.

Hibari hesitated, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sure about this, Alisa? You're not supposed to go back into actual combat yet. The superiors may have cleared this, but they don't know you. All they see is a Gods Eater who's out of the hospital. Are you ready for this, Alisa?"

Alisa bit her bottom lip. She glanced at me from the corner of her eye. I took out my notepad.

She'll be fine. She's with us.

I showed Hibari the book, and she nodded. "Alright. Just be careful." She aimed that at Alisa, but the next part was meant for all of us. "You are to take down a Chi-You in the Wailing Plains. I assume that all of you will be going on this mission?"

We all nodded, Kota quite eagerly while Soma seemed less than happy.

"Alright." Hibari sighed. "Good luck, and be careful."

X

I wanted to yell tips to Alisa, but I couldn't.

It wasn't that she was doing bad — rather, she was doing nothing. Once and awhile she would fire off a recovery bullet, but that was it. She ignored the Chi-You completely, instead focusing on keeping everyone else alive.

I gritted my teeth but said nothing. It wasn't fair for me to be angry at her. She was relearning how to fight, after all. She'd been the hospital for a long time due to trauma — I couldn't exactly expect her to just jump back into the fight like this.

Kota took a hit, but Alisa healed him immediately so I wasn't concerned. I took a deep breath and continued to fight.

X

"I think," Alisa said, gasping for air, "that I'm getting the hang of this again."

I slumped down beside her, panting just like she was. The Borg Camlann's body gave one more twitch before it finally stilled.

"How do you do it?" She murmured. "That's the Aragami that killed your parents, right? How did you fight against it so easily?"

I signalled "before".

She seemed impressed. "You've fought it before?"

I nodded, holding up one finger.

"Only once." Awe was evident in her voice. "You battled it only once, and you still did so well?"

I shrugged, my eyes on the sunset. Alisa was wrong. It hadn't been easy. Sure, much easier than the first time, but I still felt my heart stop when a needle crashed down and still trembled every time it charged. She was overestimating me.

That seemed to push her deep into thought. I faintly heard Kota and Soma arguing about something, Kota shrill voice an interesting contrast to Soma's deep murmurs. I didn't know what they were arguing about, but I decided to ignore it in favour of sitting here and catching my breath.

"You're amazing." Alisa said, her voice barely raised above a whisper. "You watched your parents die right before your eyes, just like I did, but you weren't even damaged."

I mutely pointed to my throat, watching a flush rise to her cheeks.

"Sorry." She desperately tried to fix what she was saying. "It's just…you were able to face the Borg Camlann again. You killed it, too! But I…I saw the Vajra and lost it."

There was no way I could answer her in sign. I took out my notebook and quickly jotted down:

That's different! You were taken advantage of – nothing like that happened to me. I only lost my voice. You had a doctor that used your illness to manipulate you.

She still looked sad, despite the truth of my words. Desperation brought tears to her eyes.

"I wish I was stronger! I wish I could overcome this!"

You can!

I wrote furiously, but I didn't have a chance to show it to her before she spoke again.

"Every day I feel weaker." She murmured brokenly.

We'll get through this.

This time I managed to show her.

"No…" Alisa whispered. Her voice grew stronger suddenly, and she shook her head. "No! This is something I have to overcome on my own. I…I know you're just trying to help me, Song, and I appreciate it. But there's only so much you can do — you can scribble all the encouraging notes you want, but I'm the only one who can change myself."

She took a deep breath before continuing. A shaky smiled formed on her face.

"I need to do this myself. My problem is with myself, and only I can fix it."

X

Soma

"Time to go." I growled.

Song jumped to her feet, whirling towards me before relaxing. I must have startled her. Alisa turned her face away quickly, but not before I got a chance to see the tear stains on her cheeks, but she was smiling at least. Song, on the other hand, seemed confused.

For a second she seemed…sad. The expression was disconcerting on her face, especially next to Alisa's tentative smile.

"Let's get going before more Aragami show up. You've spent enough time gazing into the sunset." I told them before turning around.

I heard Alisa get to her feet, seeing a whirl of orange as Kota headed towards her. He'd been arguing with me about giving those two more time. I wasn't sure why, exactly. Couldn't they have their little gabfest at the Den, where there were no Aragami — or at least less of them — to interrupt?

When I turned to make sure they were following, I saw Kota talking animatedly to Alisa at the back of the pack, with Song trailing behind me. She seemed deep in thought.

Before I'd even had a chance to think, I said: "You did good today."

She looked up, startled once again.

What the hell was I thinking?! Why would I say something like that?! I'd seen her struggle with the Camlann again. It wasn't nearly as intense as the first time she'd faced it, but it was still enough to be noticeable, to me at least. She hadn't done particularly well — she just hadn't done horribly like last time.

She smiled at that.

I turned around before I could do anything more stupid.

X

Song

Safe in my room, I let myself fall into a torrent of emotions.

I poured myself a glass of juice first, watching the red liquid churn over itself and vaguely wishing that I could drown in it. I sat myself down on the bed, draining the glass in one go. Then I fell onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

It was stupid. I'd never felt particularly strong here, but I'd never felt completely weak either. Somehow all the praise that'd been showered down upon me — either from something I did on the mission or from being a New-Type — had given me the impression that I didn't need to fix my problems. The hero worship from Kota and Alisa and the occasional semi-reluctant praise from Soma had given me the impression that I was fine just the way I was. Besides, if I had problems I could just let them fix them, right?

Alisa's words, the ones that had caused this inner turmoil in the first place, came to mind once more.

"I need to do this myself. My problem is with myself, and only I can fix it."

And even then there had been some hero worship before it. She'd said I had no problems — but I was mute, rendered mute because of a thing in my past. My instant response was to say that I did have a problem.

With a start, I realized just how telling my immediate answer had been.

Before I'd come here, I would have never seen my muteness as a problem. It was a protection for those around me. Hell, I'd never even considered it mutism. I'd always seen it as a minor, but necessary convenience, not a disorder.

But now I'd gotten to thinking that it would be great if I could speak again. Alisa was talking about overcoming her own weakness, her disorder. And in that moment I'd been jealous. Jealous that she was able to identify herself as the problem, and jealous that she was so willing to fix it.

Could I speak again?

Instantly the fear came back. I couldn't speak. They'd die. That was what my voice did — it killed people. My words were death to any who heard them. And yet, during the last few days, I'd hated how I couldn't speak to Alisa, couldn't give her help when she needed it the most.

I curled up into a ball, burying my face into my knees. I closed my eyes, hoping the darkness could clear my thoughts.

But Soma didn't die.

My breath hitched. No, he didn't. The Gboro-Gboro hadn't killed him. I'd left it at that, gone on with my life without thinking of it again. Why wasn't I worried about him every mission since? Why was it that only that one time I'd feared for his life? Sure, I was always worried about him and the others. But when I'd been expecting him to die, the fear had been present and suffocating; I'd thought his life was balanced on a blade's edge.

Why wasn't I afraid anymore? Every other time the person's death had been instant, but I'd entertained the possibility that Soma's death would come later. I'd thought that a hundred times. And yet I wasn't worried anymore, not like how I'd been on the Gboro mission.

I abruptly sat up. Tentatively, I opened my mouth. No sound came. I tried again, before realizing that the problem was myself. This time when I tried the fear hit me as hard as I'd ever felt.

This is stupid! I threw myself back onto the bed, curling under the covers and pressing my palms to my eyes to stop the tears. Why would you try to speak, idiot? Do you want someone to die?

But still, the uneasy feeling crept into the back of my mind as I fell asleep.

DUN DUN DUN. Inner turmoil established, potential character growth on the horizon. Will Song be able to overcome her fears? Or will the overwhelming burdens of a life spent fighting gods never give her the chance? Find out in the next instalment of Learning to Speak!

Hehe, silliness aside, thank you all so much for reading! Your continued support makes me not want to give up when the going gets tough - and, thanks to you guys, I didn't give up when writer's block hit. And look at me now! This will sound cliche, but it's all thanks to you guys!

Alright, til next time! ^^