South Park © Trey Parker & Matt Stone.

Even if we could turn back, we'd probably never end up where we started

Haruki Murakami

Kyle Broflovski – I love him

"When is Kenneth McCormick allowed to leave?" I ask, stopping a nurse in the hallway.

"McCormick…" she repeats in a mumble, flipping through her clipboard. She pauses and looks up at me, "Are you family?"

"Uh, no…" I say, "I'm his…" I trail off.

Seriously… What exactly am I?

"I'm a very close friend," I say. "His parents aren't exactly a part of the picture anymore."

"I see," she nods solemnly; "We want to keep him overnight for observation."

"Why?" I ask.

"To be sure there aren't any complications due to his concussion."

"Is that… likely?" I ask hesitantly.

"I wouldn't say likely," she says, "But it's possible."

"Oh," I frown, mumbling a 'thanks' before going to check on Karen. I walk into the waiting room, where Karen looks like she's half awake. "Hey," I say softly.

"Kyle?" she whispers, pushing herself up into sitting position. "What happened?"

"Come with me, I'll take you to see Kenny," I say, knowing it isn't my place to tell her that her mother passed away at the hands of her father.

"Is he okay?" she asks.

"He's fine," I reassure her, feeling myself choke unpleasantly on the words. I offer her my hand, which she takes, and we walk towards the room Kenny is currently occupying.

"Karen, you're awake," Kenny says once we step inside, putting on a happy face for his little sister.

"Kenny!" she cries, running into his open arms.

I slip out of the room and leave them alone to talk. I can't make out what Kenny is saying, but I hear Karen start to cry. My gut twists painfully at the sound. It really isn't fair. They don't deserve all that sadness. Karen and Kenny both deserve so much better than this. I let out a sigh and go to get myself a cup of water in the waiting room, taking a seat on the sofa Karen was asleep in minutes ago. I put the cup to my lips and take a sip. Bleh. Room temperature water.I set the cup down and lean against the couch, looking up. The florescent lights are so bright my eyes are forced shut. I'm tired. I just want to crawl into my bed with Kenny and sleep and not worry about anything, but that isn't going to happen. There is too much going on right now. I shouldn't even be thinking about sleeping, or other selfish things.

"Kyle."

I look up and see Kenny holding Karen's hand in the doorway. Her eyes are red and still watery.

"Hey," I say.

Kenny looks at his sister, "Are you okay staying at Kyle's house? I'll be staying there starting tomorrow."

Karen nods slowly and Kenny ruffles her hair. "Okay," he smiles at her before looking over at me. "Thanks, Kyle."

"Mr. McCormick?" a nurse calls, "You shouldn't leave your room."

"Yeah, yeah, one sec," he mumbles back.

Kenny gets down on eye level with Karen and says, "Try not to think about what happened today. Just sleep, and go to school. You and Kyle can come and pick me up during the lunch break tomorrow."

"Okay."

"I'm going to take care of you," he promises.

"Okay," she says again, wrapping her arms around him.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

After they part, Kenny gives me a meaningful look and then allows the nurse to walk him back to his room.

I smile over at Karen, and ask, "Ready to go?"

She nods, and we make our way to my dad's car, which I borrowed.

"Do you… want to stop and grab anything at the store before we head to my place?" I ask carefully, after we settle into the car.

"No," she says softly.

I pull out of the hospital parking lot and resist the urge to sigh. What a fucking day. What a fucking life. I can't even begin to imagine what Kenny must be feeling right now. We drive past the McCormick house without so much as a word. There are cop cars still there, not that they're probably doing any good. The cops here… They aren't capable of doing much.

"I don't ever want to go back there," Karen whispers once the house is out of sight.

"You won't ever have to," I assure her. Maybe I'm not the right person to be saying these things, but she needs to hear them. I feel her glance at me, but she doesn't say anything else for a while and we just drive in silence. I offer to put the radio on, but she declines. I guess she's comfortable in the silence. I'm okay with that.

"Do you love Kenny?" Karen asks, out of the blue.

"W-what?" I ask, caught off guard.

"Do you love Kenny?" she repeats.

"Uh… Yeah, he's one of my best friends," I say somewhat uncomfortably, because sure, Kenny is that, but he's also so much more.

She shakes her head, "Not like that."

"Then how?" I ask, even though I know what she means.

"The way my mum loved my dad," she says softly. "You love him in the way where you want to marry him."

Marriage? Who said anything about marriage? I swallow harshly, and for a minute I stay quiet until – "Yeah, I do."

She nods sagely.

"How did you know?" I ask.

"It's because you stay," she says simply.

"I stay?"

I can see her nod her head in my peripheral vision, but doesn't elaborate any further. Instead, she says, "Sometimes Kenny talks about you. I can tell he feels the same way."

"Really?" I ask, gripping the steering wheel.

"Really."

"You make him happy," she says. "I know that… there are a lot of bad things happening, but you make him happy. I'm not naïve, I know he's doing things he shouldn't be doing. Sometimes when he comes home, he smells strange. I don't think he notices the smell. I think he's gotten so used to it. It's sad, and I know that part of it is for my sake. He hurts himself. He wants to provide for me the way our parents never did, but I want to tell him he doesn't need to do that. I want him to be happy with himself and not have to shame himself."

"Yeah," I whisper.

"You'll help him, won't you?" she asks.

"I will," I promise. We fall into another silence, but it's okay. I don't want to make Karen talk if she doesn't want to. She's been through a lot in the past day. When we arrive to my house, I introduce Karen to Ike while I go into the other room to tell my parents about what's happened. It's funny. My parents don't really like Kenny, that much is obvious, but they're looking awfully sympathetic right now.

"Oh, those poor children," my mother wails, "Of course they can stay here!" She rushes off into the other room to introduce herself to Karen, leaving me and my dad alone in the kitchen.

"I can't believe that Stuart McCormick…" he mumbles, trailing off and rubbing a hand over his forehead.

"I know."

"We grew up together. I had beers with him down at the pub… God, I don't know how many times," he sighs. "I never knew he would be capable of something like this. Those poor children, all that abuse…"

"Yeah," I whisper, distastefully. "I guess that's what certain drugs can do to a person. They make you so incredibly desperate, you'll do anything."

My dad sighs, shaking his head.

I try to fall asleep but I can't. I read once that when you can't fall asleep, it means you're in someone else's dreams… Or something like that. I don't know whether or not that's true. I toss and turn and my heart feels tight in my chest, but I force myself to calm down because in the end, worrying never solves anything. Worrying won't help Kenny.