Author's Note: MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS! I hope you all had a wonderful time! I tried to post this on Christmas, but the server was down. Of course. So forgive my lateness. I'm sure you were out putting yourselves in food comas anyway. I know I did.
THANK YOU guys so much for your reviews! I was honestly expecting one review. Two tops. It is so motivating to know that people are actually reading this so thank you. I greatly appreciate it. I hope you enjoy the chapter. It is a bit long unfortunately, but here you go:
Today was not a particularly fruitful day for the Host Club. The usually oversexed horn dogs seemed immune to the sweet nothings Tamaki purred into their ears. They remained cool under Haruhi's warm gaze and the twins had received considerably less hand jobs. It was unclear whether this was just a faze or if their beloved fangirls had abandoned them for internet porn- a considerably cheaper alternative. But they were all filthy rich here. The issue wasn't money, but rather another, less attractive form of green.
"Broccoli?" Sumi, a second year girl with a braided black ponytail, hissed into her best friend's ear as she glared at the platters of vegetables that replaced the usual pastries. "What are they trying to say?!"
"Do they think we're getting fat?!" a first year Tamaki fangirl sniffed. She didn't buy that Hunny-senpai was dieting for one minute! That lucky son of a bitch never gained any weight! "Tamaki-sama said he loved me just the way I was!" she whined.
"I say we sneak into the kitchen," another voice offered. "I have a key, but they have my face posted on the walls by now." The voice's owner stared up at them with a wide- and slightly deranged- smile. "But they won't recognize any of you!"
They all gazed down at the speaker, eyes widening in surprise. "Hunny-senpai?"
"Keep it down!" he whispered, a bit too much strain in his usually syrupy tone to be considered adorable. "Now this is the deal." Eyes narrowing, he leaned in, palms flat on the table. "I want two strawberry frosted cakes and an Oreo creme pie. No substitutions."
"B-But Hunny-senpai," the first year sniffed, still blinking tears away. "What if one of us gets caught?"
"Then send another one in!" the hobbit hissed impatiently. "For fucks sake, there's like fifty of you!"
The entire table gasped.
"Check every freezer," he whispered, the mania increasing with each word. "And nab a few cool whip tubs too-"
"Mitsukuni."
The hobbit's shoulders tensed mid-lecture and he slowly turned to see Mori standing over him, eyes dark.
"What?" he snapped, fingers running shakily through his blonde bangs. He hadn't had a fix in a day, man!
"What did I tell you about stealing?" Mori frowned disapprovingly.
"I just wanted three!" Hunny protested, eyes tearing. He never minded his cake centered kleptomania before!
"You're on a diet, Mitsukuni."
"You go on a diet, Takashi!" Hunny snapped back despite the girls' increasingly concerned looks. "You're getting thunder thighs!"
Mori stiffened, his gaze darkening without the convenient pretty boy bangs to shadow it. He had to grow some of those… "I'm just big boned."
"That's what all the fattys say!" Hunny countered to their already insecure customers' dismay. "I'm glad we ended it before you turned into Moby Dick!"
"Ended it?" Sumi blinked.
"Mitsukuni, you're being careless." Mori had regained his much abused pride and with it, a streak of courage. "It's pathetic."
"Pathetic?" Hunny's breath caught in his throat, his own pride wounded. Who was he to call anyone pathetic?! After all of the fuzzy pink handcuffs and the hot wax and the ball gags?! But this wasn't the bedroom, the shower or the restroom at Narita International Airport. This was a war zone.
"Whatever," Hunny grumbled as he headed for the music room's double doors in a huff, feet stomping. "I'll sneak into the kitchen myself!"
"Good luck," Mori wished him with a rare sarcastic tone. "Tamaki had his father install security cameras."
"Tama-chan…" Hunny's burning glare zeroed in on the Host King whom swallowed hard and turned in the opposite direction.
"And Kyouya's private police force is standing guard," Mori continued.
The hobbit's glare scorched a line from Tamaki to Kyouya, but the Shadow King just smirked under its fiery blaze, his pen still flying energetically over the pages of his diary as Hunny sprinted from the room. But not before flinging an especially large vegetable tray at Mori's head.
The creases under Haruhi's lips deepened as he flailed down the hallway, tears flying and Mori walked away from the table of stunned fangirls- the irritation clear in his features.
"How long are we going to let this go on?" she sighed, leaning over the edge of the sofa where Kyouya currently scribbled.
"It's not really up to us," he replied with the faintest hint of a grin. "Mori-senpai is pretty serious about this diet."
She peered at him in silence for a few seconds and his buzz began to dim under her scrutiny.
He turned to face her, eyes shadowed, the edges of his mouth tugging downward. "What?"
"Are you actually worried about Hunny-senpai?" she asked, chin resting in her palm. "Is that why you're getting behind this diet?"
"Hm?" his eyes widened and flickered through the haze momentarily. He positioned his glasses for the 100th time that day. "Not really."
Her thoughtful expression crumbled. "Then it's about the money."
"It's always about the money, Haruhi," he replied cooly, though he could still feel her eyes on him. He'd charged her millions in debt over a bong, whored for porn, attempted to assault her in a drug induced fit and she still insisted on assuming the best. Why didn't she just dismiss him as a progressively worsening sociopath? That seemed to be the increasingly popular opinion these days. He stopped to massage at his nostrils, some of the former irritation returning.
Fortunately, Haruhi had turned away, her expression exasperated. "I don't get it." She frowned. "Bulimia is bad, but constant liposuction is okay?"
Kyouya just shrugged. "Don't think too hard on it," he advised her before pulling his phone to his ear. "Yes, I'd like to cancel that pastry shipment," he began in a chipper tone and Haruhi sighed.
There were probably countless other, far more beneficial things that could be occupying her mind right now, but she couldn't help feeling for the hobbit. After all, to be deprived from food- even if it was just junk- was a scary thought. And besides, she supposed she'd developed a soft spot for the volatile nuclear weapon. She was headed to the supermarket later that evening as she was prone to do. If she played her coupons right, she might be able to make tomorrow a bit more bearable for him…
Rummaging through her briefcase, she pulled out an envelope full of glossy papers, several self-proclaimed 'incredibly low prices' printed largely in black ink. She scanned through the vouchers until her thumb came down on a particularly colorful page. A soft smile tugged at the corners of her lips. Just what she was looking for.
DAY TWO
Hunny stared at the commoner vacantly, his form hunched, shoulders resigned. Darkness spread outward from under his eyes, his mouth fixed in a permanent scowl. Tired brown eyes floated from her to the package in her hand and then back to her.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with those?" he finally grumbled.
"Eh…" she trailed off, the colorful bag nearly slipping from her fingers. Eat them? "They're fruit snacks, Hunny-senpai."
He replied with a glare, fists clenching.
"Fine." She groaned. Why had she even tried? She should have known he wouldn't accept anything that wasn't smothered in cream, flour and fat. At least she had something to hold her over in the ten minutes between now and her lunch period. Shrugging, she started to shove the bag into her blazer pocket. "I'll just-"
"NO!" the hobbit boomed before leaping forward and snatching the bag in a frenzy. Haruhi gaped in horror as he tore the plastic with his teeth and began to ravage every fruit filled nugget in sight. She took a few steps back as he fell to his knees, eyes mad, random gummies sticking out between his teeth.
"H-Hunny-senpai?" she stammered as he began shaking voraciously at the empty package.
"Mitsukuni." A familiar voice chided, the calm in its tone a stark contrast to the hobbit's savage grunting. "Were those…"
Haruhi raised an eyebrow. Fruit snacks weren't exactly diet breakers.
"…animal shaped?"
In response, Hunny bit down with all of his might on the bag's cover picture, a jolly green bear. Mori's hands began to tremble as the bear's plastic head was promptly dislodged from his neck.
"Disgusting," Mori grunted, eyes trailing forlornly after the decapitated bear.
"Your face is disgusting," Hunny shot back.
Mori's eyes narrowed.
"Fuck animals," the hobbit added for good measure.
Silence fell over the hall and Haruhi began to consider tiptoeing away while she could when Mori spoke again.
"The elementary school," he started lowly, the tremor barely detectable under his careful tone. "Needs tutors."
Hunny gasped. "You wouldn't!"
Haruhi sincerely hoped he was right in that assumption.
"I have the grades for it."
Hunny's eyes watered, nostrils flaring. "You're a freak, Takashi!"
Mori just stared at him, though internally, he glowed with satisfaction. This was surely a triumph for candy bears everywhere.
When he didn't respond, Hunny turned abruptly and jetted down the hallway, his wailing cries echoing throughout the corridors.
Haruhi sighed, her shoulders slumping as she leaned down to retrieve the maimed fruit snack bag. Someone had to get those two back together. She just didn't feel comfortable in a world where the hobbit ravaged candy wrappers in a hungry rage and Mori was alone with children.
"M-Morinozuka-san?"
Haruhi glanced up to see a taller girl emerge from the shadows of a lone corridor. She'd obviously been listening in for a while, her long dark hair sweeping over her shoulders from leaning in. "I'm Maori," she brushed her hair back nervously. "Did you say you were going to be tutoring?"
"No." Mori shook his head as exhaustion settled onto his features, the vengeance of the candy bears forgotten. Relief bloomed in Haruhi's chest.
"Probably not," he added. "Maybe."
It shriveled and died.
"I didn't know you were smart enough to tutor!" the girl gushed and Haruhi couldn't decide whether it was a compliment or an insult. "I love smart guys!"
She stepped out further from the shadows, her crazed fangirl grin now apparent. She'd loosened the collar of her uniform and folded it under so that she looked less upscale school girl in a hideously ugly dress and more Medieval wench in a hideously ugly dress.
"Ah." Mori shrugged, staring past her as if she were a less than fashion savvy ghost.
"Um…" The girl fumbled with her own fingers as she drew closer. "I just wanted to say…"
Haruhi's heart ached for the girl. She seemed sweet. Maybe Mori could let her down easy. That is, if she ever got the words out.
"Do you wanna make out in an empty classroom?" the girl blurted. "Sometime? Anytime even? Like right now maybe?"
Both hosts just blinked at her.
"I mean, it doesn't have to be an empty classroom," she babbled on, cheeks reddening. "My parents are never home. Like ever."
More staring.
"I'm on the pill since my last boyfriend," she went on. "So… you know."
Mori had turned his attention to an open window. The clouds were particularly fluffy today.
"Mori senpai," Haruhi cut in, the awkward smothering her. "Aren't you going to say something?"
"I just got into cheerleading!" she gushed, her tone growing increasingly desperate as her legs parted. "Wanna see me do a split?"
Haruhi cringed. Hadn't anyone taught this girl how to take a hint?
Her limbs had stretched into a perfect split upon the hallway tile, but Mori found the clouds to be far more interesting.
Maori pulled herself up again, eyes piercing into him. She leaned in close. "I'm inviting you to come home with me," she said loudly, the condescension dripping from each word.
Mori's eyes twitched and he turned to examine her as if she were squirming with cooties.
"Ah, Maori-san," Haruhi started with nervous laughter. "I don't think Mori-senpai likes teenagers."
Mori's eyes narrowed in her direction. Was she trying to get him on the Neighborhood Predator list?!
"Oh, of course!" Maori winked, shoulders dancing, boobs jiggling. "You like older women! People tell me I'm old for my age all the time!"
"He doesn't really like adults ei-"
"Haruhi." Mori cut in. Mustering all of his strength not to flinch at her closeness or look at her totally gross woman parts, he turned back to Maori. "I don't swing that way," he put casually.
"Ooooh," she shook her chest at him saucily. "Playing hard to get, eh?"
"He's gay," Haruhi put more plainly
.
"Mm." The girl gave him a knowing look. "I see." She winked. "I get it."
"Do you really?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.
Maori just continued on down the hall, hideous dress swaying with her walk. "I'll get you next time," she breathed huskily, just managing to avoid a grandfather's clock as she rounded the corner.
Haruhi gave a deep sigh. Before she could contemplate the rapidly deteriorating state of their customers' minds, Mori began to trudge off toward the opposite hall.
"Mori-senpai?" she called softly, uncertain of what to say.
"I have to plan Mitsukuni's breakfast for tomorrow." "Brussel sprouts and quinoa."
"He'll hate that."
"Good," Mori grunted before disappearing around the left corner, thankfully in the opposite direction of the tutoring center.
DAY THREE
It was 3 PM, the third music room's doors had parted and dozens of titillated teenagers spewed in to fill it's cakeless corners. Platters lined with carrots of every size spotted the tables and the smell of freshly grilled corn ears wafted over them. The twins had been sure to get in as many obscene gestures as they could manage with both vegetables before the Shadow King had suggested they get back to more important things like making his money. Tamaki sat sprawled upon a sofa in the center of the room, adoring fangirls perched at every side.
"Tamaki-sama," the one massaging his feet started. "Why are you so sexy?"
"Because God spent a little more time on me," he explained with teary eyes. "So that I could be irresistibly perfect for you." He winked.
She swooned. "Does it… hurt?" she managed to get out mid-swoon.
"A little," he admitted, a heavy hand clutching his chest. Every time he looked in the mirror, he lost his breath after all. It was truly debilitating.
"Tamaki-sama," the girl fondling his right hand began. "What size woman do you prefer?"
"Mm?" he blinked, eyes widening slightly. "Size?"
"Like dress size," the girl pressed, her fingers digging deeper into his palm.
"Eh…" He didn't know much about dress sizes… And he had all of his daughter's costumes specially tailored to fit her… "Size doesn't mean anything where love is con-"
"He hesitated." The girl peered into him with dead serious eyes. The rest followed suit and he shrank back as the fangirls rapidly transformed into vultures.
"Tamaki-sama," the girl fondling his left hand took over. "What do you think about a little junk in the trunk?"
He blinked, mind going completely blank as he focused on one spot on the rosy sofa. Blinking again, he eyed her. "Excuse me?"
"Do you," the girl whose lap currently nestled his head glowered down at him. "Or don't you find full bodied women attractive?"
He gazed back at her with fearful eyes and managed to force out a squeaky, "What?"
"What do you think about Oprah?!" another demanded.
"What do you think of this Buddha?!" a girl pulled out a small, plump statue.
"Eh…" he gulped. Was this a trick question? Was his beloved fanbase testing him? "Er…"
"I knew it!" The girl at his right squeezed so tightly that his fingers began to numb. "Tamaki-sama only likes skinny girls!"
"Oh no!" the girl at his left- who was really quite thin- blubbered. "That's why he wants us to diet!"
"Huh?!" he boomed, waving his hands about, palms open. "No! It's just Hunny-senpai-"
"So you think Hunny-senpai is fat?" Two 2nd years at either side of his legs asked together, expressions cold.
"How long until he thinks the rest of us are too?!" the girl at his head turned to appeal to her fellow women. "I say we take a stand!"
Kyouya immediately appeared over the sofa head at the sound of money threatening to march out of the door. "Ladies please," he bowed. "Don't leave us. Tamaki was just being clumsy with his words."
"Kyouya!" Tamaki reached out from within the sea of scorned fangirls. Kyouya considered appeasing him when the girl at his feet cut in.
"Leave?" She blinked, puzzled. "Who said anything about leaving?"
Kyouya frowned in confusion, though his shoulders visibly relaxed. "I thought you were protesting?"
"Oh no." They all shook their heads and both hosts sighed.
"We're going to make him watch fatsploitation porn until he comes around."
Tamaki swallowed hard as the crew- two dozen girls deep- began to drag him toward the double doors. "N-No!" he protested, as they all tackled him, fours girls to a limb. "I love all women! Y-You don't understand!"
"We don't believe you, Tamaki-sama."
"But soon you will." They all turned to him with crazed glints in their eyes. "You will."
"You think we could find the one starring the chick who won the Guinness world record with those tubs of fried chicken?" the girl manning his right ankle asked.
"For sure!" another replied from his elbow. "I saw that last week!"
"What about that one with the horse?"
"NO!" Tamaki cried, features twisting in terror as he was hauled off to face certain abominations against man. "Kyouya!" he called, his fingernails scraping the door's lacquer. "Kyoooouuuyaaaaa!"
The Shadow King just waved, eyes dancing. "You kids have fun," he encouraged as they slammed the door behind them. Hopefully that would keep them occupied past club hours. Then he could charge extra….
With an unusual pep in his step, he started off toward the back of the room to do a little diary writing- he could hardly wait to get the numbers out on the page!- but not before almost tripping over a tiny leg.
"Hunny-senpai," he stopped momentarily to greet the boy, his grin faltering a bit. "Shouldn't you be with your costumers?"
"Fuck you." The hobbit grunted, his eyes dark with the torture of what seemed like one hundred sleepless nights wracked with nightmares of cake hovering just over his hungry lips. Sometimes it turned into dust and vanished without a trace. Sometimes it called him fat. Other times it adjusted its glasses over its frosting browed gumdrop eyes and taunted him.
"You look famished." Kyouya gave him a once over, from his disarrayed blonde mane to the wrinkles in his pants. "Why don't you have some corn?"
The hobbit slowly gazed up to level with him, eyes dark. "I hope you die a slow and painful death." He continued to glare at his junior as the boy walked off, wishing he could pimp slap that sadistic grin from his mouth. Dick.
"Hunny-senpai!" A tall,wiry girl with purple highlights sang and he flinched, her voice like shattering glass to his sensitive ears.
"What?!" he snapped around to find his pedo clan all gathered around one carrot topped table. A few of them munched on corn ears. Goddammit. And he'd been doing such a good job of avoiding them.
"You look tired, Hunny," a girl from his class frowned.
"So?" he shot back, scratching relentlessly at the back of his ear. Cake… He needed cake!
"You've got dark circles and your hair isn't combed," a pudgy first year added.
He glared. So she could use her eyes. Did she want a cookie? Images of freshly baked, brown, round mounds floated into view, warmth rising from them, small chocolate nuggets melting into the dough. His heart rate quickened.
"Do you want to come over tonight?" the girl from his class asked, her sultry gaze trailing him up and down. "My parents have a spa…"
He started to turn down her stupid, cakeless spa when his eyes rounded, an epiphany coming over him. "Do your parents have dessert?"
"Eh?" She blinked at the odd question. "Uh, sure." She nodded. "Every night. Lots of it." Whatever got the hobbit into her limo.
"My parents have dessert too, Hunny senpai!" Another girl shoved herself into the center of the group, slamming into the first.
"My parents own several bakeries!" one offered.
"SHHHH!" The hobbit pressed a finger to his lips and they all cooed before quieting down. His eyes darted about the music room and, determining that his ex-lover was no where to be seen, he turned back to them. Plucking his phone from his pocket, he opened his calendar.
"Okay, I've got every night open this week."
The girls squealed.
"Whose having me over tonight?"
The majority of girls raised their hands and his eyes narrowed in concentration. With the proper team of lipo specialists and good scheduling, he could probably hit ten dinner tables that night…
"But Hunny-senpai," Purple highlights kneeled down to level with him, mischief playing in her gaze. "What are you going to do for us?"
The hobbit swallowed hard. He knew it. People always wanted something in return when you asked to enter their homes and violently consume all of their pastries… Selfish bitches… But that was fine. Clearing his throat, he composed himself. It wasn't that he didn't like girls. He'd just always been with Mori so he'd never had the chance to try. He could totally be into boobs. And besides, if those two idiot twins could do it all the time, how hard could it be?
"I'll do whatever you want," he shrugged, the sparkle in his tone returning at the thought of cake.
The whites of their eyes expanded, grins deranged. "ANYTHING?" they demanded.
He swallowed hard. Shit! The things he did for cake… "Y-Yeah, sure," he stammered. He supposed he'd better make the best of it. "But only if you throw in a Black Forest Cake and two strawberry ones. And make sure all the ingredients are real. None of that fat free crap. And…" He trailed off from his tirade when he noticed that their gazes had all drifted significantly far above his head. He kept his composure, smile widening.
"Hi Takashi!" he greeted him without turning around. "We were just sharing recipes!"
"Recipes?" the word resounded deeply over his head.
"Yeah!" He eyed the girls, his expression darkening. "Right?"
"Right!" they all agreed, determined to get into the boy's pants and not on his bad side.
"See?!" Hunny turned to give Mori his most convincing smile.
"Ah," Mori nodded as he observed the crowd with a blank stare per usual. "If you're so keen on sharing, why don't you come to a meet tonight?"
Spite played at the edges of his smile. He'd been trying to get him to one of those for a week now. One of those stupid eating disorder groups where you get together and talk about self esteem and control and other stupid shit that had nothing to do with cake.
"Sorry, Takashi, but I can't," he shrugged, his composure remarkable. Kyouya might be proud. "I have private lessons at the dojo every night this week."
"Oh." Mori nodded. "I hadn't heard."
Hunny beamed.
"I'll accompany you."
His face fell, the composure rapidly slipping. "B-But," he stammered. "It's private-"
"I'll wait outside of the door."
"But Mori-senpai!" one of the girls raised her hand meekly. "Hunny-senpai probably needs space. He needs to concentrate."
Mori nodded. "Mm."
They eyed him expectantly.
"Then he can use my dojo." He stared down at the boy, the blank look still intact, though Hunny could still make out a spark of anger flickering in the backdrop. "It's the most isolated in the area. I'll inform your teacher."
Hunny faced downward, hair falling over his eyes, and his fangirls gloomed. Straponblocked again.
Fists clenched, Hunny grunted. "Fine." With that, he started off toward the back of the room.
"H-Hunny-senpai…" The girls called after him, but he continued walking until he reached the restroom area. Stomping now, he entered. A few seconds later, a loud slamming echoed through out the music room. The girls gasped, but Mori just stared blankly after him, arms crossed.
"Aren't you going after him, Mori-senpai?" Purple highlights asked.
Mori shrugged. "I'll be watching him." He momentarily eyed their group, the anger surfacing in full for a split second. "And you."
Shrieking, they all darted out in opposite directions. Mori continued to glare after them for moment before facing the bathroom entrance again. The stone in his features began to crumble and concern peeked through as he took guard dog stance in front of the door. This was going to be a long evening…
The sounds of hog-worthy squealing and suggestive laughter had finally evaporated. A few explicit photos not-so discreetly dropped by over eager fangirls and half eaten carrots littered the furniture. The third music room remained silent save for a chorus of perfectly synchronized moaning.
"Will you stop doing that?" Haruhi asked blankly from across the round table, her chin resting against her palm, expression bored and marginally irritated. "The customers are gone."
"Why?" Hikaru asked as he swiped his tongue enticingly over the corn cob he currently held to his lips.
"Are we making you uncomfortable?" both twins asked together as they traced one anothers' mouths with their corn ears.
"Not really," Haruhi put bluntly. "I don't have a dick." She shrugged. "And your incest act is just weird." And did they have to use corn so shamelessly? She could have threw those in with the rest of her stash. She eyed her peculiarly stuffed briefcase warily. Now how to sneak it out without the Shadow King noticing…
The twins pouted as they slid the ears into their mouths and past their tongues. Hikaru suddenly began sputtering and Kaoru reached over to yank the cob from his mouth and fling it onto the table. Haruhi frowned at it before turning concerned eyes on the eldest twin.
"Are you okay, Hikaru?" Kaoru cupped his brother's cheeks, brow creased.
"I'm fine," Hikaru fanned him away, his voice hoarse. "I was just trying to keep up with you." He gave him the side eye. "What happened to your gag reflex?"
Kaoru tensed. "Eh…"
Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "You haven't been-"
Kaoru scratched roughly at the back of his head, eyes lowering to the ground.
"-eating all of those popsicles mom brought in from her shoot the other night, have you?"
"Popsicles?" Haruhi's ears perked up.
Kaoru blinked before raising his head and thanking the heavens that his brother was so dense and Haruhi was a food addict. Before he could build on this excuse, footsteps clapped against the marble floors. They all glanced up to see a weary eyed Mori approaching from the back of the room. Kyouya walked alongside him, diary in hand.
"If you need me to leave the key, that's fine," the Shadow King explained, removing a small golden key from his back pocket. "Just make sure he doesn't break anything. I'll have my secret police stand guard over night-"
"Over night?" Haruhi's mouth hung open as she pushed herself from the table. "He still won't come out?"
"Mitsukuni is stubborn," Mori frowned down at her, arms hanging limply at his sides. "I slipped a few extra carrots, a boiled egg and some unsweetened tea under the door so he won't go hungry-"
"That won't get him out," Haruhi sighed as she reached for her briefcase and started for the back of the room. It didn't sit well with her to leave him overnight. He probably just needed to be talked down with some other words besides "Mitsukuni". She probably had another fruit snack pack in her bag somewhere. She began to rummage and a few corn ears and a carrot tumbled out and rolled across the floor, stopping at a pair of black dress shoes.
Swallowing hard, she slowly raised her head from the shoes to the blazer and finally to a pair of reflective, yet somehow disparaging spheres.
"Do you want me to charge you for theft of club property now or after I've examined the rest of the bag?" Kyouya asked nonchalantly, though she sensed a certain elation playing under the surface. Sick bastard.
Groaning, she handed the briefcase over. "Just hand me the fruit snacks." She eyed the rear of the room. "They might lure Hunny-senpai out. He really liked them before." If tearing them apart and gulping them down mercilessly was any indication of "liked". But was taking what she could get here.
"No, Haruhi!" the twins exclaimed, arms embracing her from both sides.
"You can't go in there alone!" Hikaru squeezed her tighter.
"Hunny-senpai'll tear you apart with his bare hands!" Kaoru warned.
Somehow, she wasn't impressed. "That again?" She attempted to pry their arms from her person with little success. "If that's the case, why don't we go in together?"
"So he can fuck us up too?!" they asked as if offended. "No fucking way!"
"Besides," Mori started as he fell down onto a chair beside the round table. "You can't give him anything."
"But Mori-senpai," Kaoru turned to him, arms still draped around the commoner.
"Complete sugar withdrawal…" Hikaru added.
"Isn't that kind of harsh?" both the twins and Haruhi ended together.
"It has to be," he grunted before hoisting himself from the table. "I'm going to get some blankets."
The three of them watched him leave the room in silence as Kyouya tapped away at his laptop beside the pile of sullied vegetables. Somewhere underneath her concern for her senpais, Haruhi wondered if he would let her keep them since he was charging her anyway…
The sound of hinges creaking filled the space and they turned to see Tamaki entering the room, his shoulders slumped over, head hanging low. Heaving a mixture between a deep sigh and a moan, he collapsed beside Kyouya, his forehead pressed against the table.
"Senpai?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow as the twins arms fell away from her and they all approached him carefully.
"H-Haruhi," he stammered weakly, hands twitching. "Daddy has seen," he choked. "… terrible things!"
"Whoa…" Kaoru placed a hand on his left shoulder.
"What happened, Tono?" Hikaru asked, mirroring his brother's posture on the right side.
"Did you catch your ass in the mirror?" they asked together.
"Fuck off." He shook free of them before turning accusing eyes on Kyouya. "Why didn't you help me, you bastard?!"
"Because our vegetables only rule has compromised our customer's self-esteem," Kyouya explained, eyes never leaving the computer screen. "Sacrifices had to be made to reconcile things and who better to make that sacrifice than our president?"
"W-Well, true," Tamaki's resolve weakened a bit, stiff shoulders shrinking downward. He was their king after all. It was up to him to bring peace! "B-But you haven't been through what I've been through! You have no idea of the perverse horrors-"
"Hunny-senpai locked himself in the bathroom," Kyouya muttered.
"- I was forced to en- What?!"
"It's true," the twins sighed as they took seats beside the Host King.
"Mori-senpai's going to get blankets now," Hikaru frowned.
"They're spending the night," Kaoru said.
"We can't leave him here over night!" Tamaki shook his head and leaned back in his chair, arms crossed. "You know Nekozawa likes to stay late." He shuddered. "What if he curses him or Hunny-senpai gets his head stuck in the toilet?!"
They eyed him strangely.
"I think only you would do that, Tono."
"I'll go talk to him." Tamaki stood and started swiftly across the room. He pulled a brown, blank faced teddy bear from briefcase. "Maybe this'll get his mind off cake."
Doubtful, Haruhi thought, eyes darted about the table. Kyouya continued typing up her new bill. The twins stared on, eyes mildly interested.
"Aren't you going to stop him?" She leaned into the them. "You said it was dangerous."
"Yeah, but…" Kaoru started.
"This is gonna be too good," both Hitachiins grinned mischievously. "Long live the king!" they called after him, waving the table's cloth place mats in the air like handkerchiefs.
Haruhi groaned, an uncomfortable gnawing in her gut. The look in Hunny-senpai's eyes as he tore into the jolly green bear's neck yesterday hadn't seemed human. Was it really a wise idea to antagonize something like that?
"Relax, Haruhi."
She nearly jumped as Hikaru's hand came down on her back.
"I'm sure he won't turn into a homicidal maniac or anything," Kaoru finished reassuringly.
"Has Hunny-senpai ever actually killed someone?" Hikaru added.
"I mean, since you've known him anyway?" they asked together.
"Hmm," Haruhi slowly nodded, but she still couldn't shake the gnawing. "I guess you're right." She smiled. "I doubt he'd hurt us." Besides, Tamaki- for all of his failing at everything else- was usually pretty good at this sort of thing.
"We're coming out!" Tamaki called in a loud, bubbly voice and they all turned to the bathroom entrance. Haruhi's grin widened as she made her way toward the room, the twins fast on her heels. Kyouya spared one inconspicuous glance at the bathroom door.
"Wow," Hikaru blinked, genuinely surprised.
"He actually did it," they both murmured.
"I thought he might," Haruhi sighed in relief as she stopped just short of the bathroom.
Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?" He fell in line beside her, arms crossed.
"Hm?" she blinked up at him. "I don't know." She shrugged. "I just did." Admittedly, the statement had slipped from her lips without much thought, but did he have to make such a big deal out of it? He was increasingly moody. Especially where Tamaki was concerned. She never knew when she was going to hit the wrong button.
He rolled his eyes. "But-"
Kaoru sighed. "Hikaru, let it go."
Before Hikaru could press on further, the bathroom door opened and Tamaki poked his head out.
"Hey!" he greeted, grinning just a bit to hard. Haruhi's smile faltered slightly. Something was wrong.
Apparently the Hitachiins didn't sense it.
"Hurry up, Tono," Hikaru grumbled, his mood still sour. "We wanna see Hunny-senpai. Not your ugly face."
"How do you feel, Hunny-senpai?" Kaoru arched his neck to look over Tamaki's shoulder, but the door's opening was too narrow.
"We're going to come out," Tamaki went on, his tone just as bubbly, if not strained. "But first…" He hesitated and gave a small whimper before going on. "Can you bring me a piece of strawberry cake?"
They all tensed, eyes narrowing, mouths curling under.
"Tamaki-senpai?" Haruhi stepped forward, hand outstretched. "Are you okay-"
"Don't come any closer!" He bellowed at her, his sunny disposition cracking. "I mean!" He smiled again, sweat beads forming on his brow. "I'm fine! I've never felt better, Haruhi!" Suddenly, his face contorted in silent horror, eyes wide, lips moving.
The twins peered at him, eyebrows raised. "What he's saying?"
Haruhi swallowed hard, the gnawing pain in her stomach rising to her chest. "I think he's saying-"
"Isn't it obvious?" Kyouya finished and she glanced up to see him standing behind her, features tense. "He has a gun."
Before she could argue, a blaring explosion thundered through out the room. Kyouya and Haruhi flinched while the twins both shrieked, but none shrieked louder than the Host King who immediately tumbled out of the doorway and curled into a fetal position on the ground.
"HE SHOT ME" Tamaki cried as he squirmed about, arms cradling himself, tears gushing. "CALL THE AMBULANCE!"
"Tono!" the twins shouted as they rushed to his side.
"There's no pain yet," the blonde wept. "But I can feel the life slowly draining from my body."
"I…" Hikaru paused, trembling hands roving over the boy's blazer. "I don't see a wound."
"GET UP, YOU PUSSY ASS BITCH!" Hunny stormed out behind him, the barrel of the .45 still pointed at Tamaki's head. The twins scrambled away, moving backwards across the music room floor as the smaller boy approached them, chest heaving, eyes deranged. "I DIDN'T EVEN GRAZE YOU!"
"S-Senpai, I think my ears are bleeding…" Tamaki attempted appealing to his sympathy.
"MAN THE FUCK UP!" The hobbit roared, pressing the barrel into the back of his head. "I SHOT IT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO IF YOU'D DONE WHAT I'D FUCKING TOLD YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
The blonde blubbered his apologies into the marble.
"YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB!"
Kyouya moved to position his glasses so harshly that they nearly caught on his forehead. "What exactly did you shoot, Hunny-senpai?"
Hunny shrugged. "I don't know, but I'm not paying!" He flipped him the bird. "Fix it yourself, asshole!"
"Hunny-senpai…" Haruhi took slow, careful steps toward the homicidal maniac. "What do you want?"
"What the hell do you think I want?" Hunny fixed cold eyes on her. "Cake! And a fucking lot of it!"
"Wh-where are we gonna get that?" the twins stammered together, eyes fixed on the gun.
"I don't care, but I need it in five minutes or he loses a fucking leg!" He held the gun lower. "Let's see how hot your fangirls think you are in a wheelchair!"
"NOOOO!" Tamaki sobbed. "Not my beautiful legs!" He hugged them to himself.
"Hikaru. Kaoru," Kyouya addressed the twins, his finger permanently hovering over his glasses. "The 2nd home economics room is one floor up. They had a baking contest this week. The cakes should still be in the freezers."
"Right!" They nodded before rushing off toward the double doors.
"I think I've got a brownie left over from the supermarket yesterday," Haruhi pulled a plastic wrapped package from her coat pocket. "I was gonna give it to my dad-"
"Haruhi!" Tamaki beamed through tears and congestion.
"My real dad," she put in, ignoring his dejection. She'd never seen anyone maintain this level of obnoxiousness at gunpoint. But then again, she hadn't seen many people at gunpoint. "Anyway, you can have this if you want, Hunny-senpai."
"Give it to me!" the hobbit demanded, hand outstretched, mouth watering.
Gulping, she tossed it his way. Upon impact, he promptly tore the packaging apart with his teeth and flung it down on Tamaki's head. Hyperventialating, he forced the brown square into his mouth sloppily, the chocolate oozing around his lips as he munched away. Their stomachs all dropped as orgasmic, cookie monster- esque noises flooded the music room- the occasional sob from Tamaki making it all the more awkward. Then, just when they were prepared to spill their lunch upon the rosy tiles, something ricocheted across the room and slammed into the hobbit's hands. He let out a mingled cry of pain and fury as the gun fell from his grasp and slid across the room, landing at Haruhi's feet.
"Eh…" She started to reach down for the gun when a significantly larger hand closed around it. She looked up to find dark, warm eyes. "Mori-senpai."
"We ran into him on our way to the home ec lab," The twins appeared at her side.
Giving her a gentle smile, he turned his back to her, eyes on the chocolate gobbling monster. "Mitsukuni," he grunted, fists clenching. "What have you done?"
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, TAKASHI!" Hunny blared, teeth bared. "I just wanted a little cake, okay?!" he pleaded with outstretched hands. "Like I really NEED it, man…"
"Did you threaten Tamaki?" Mori motioned to the trembling, weed smoking blonde the twins were currently attempting to pacify in a corner of the room.
"He's overreacting." Hunny rolled his eyes. "I just held him at gunpoint a little, alright?!"
Mori just stared at him.
"Okay, I get your point!" Hunny forced through clenched teeth. "You want me to stop throwing up?! Fine!"
Mori's mouth tensed, but he still said nothing.
His cousin stared at him, hands quivering. "So?!"
Still nothing.
Hunny grabbed his head, fingers splaying harshly through his hair. "TAKASHI, FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!" With that, he ran at him, landing one open palmed blow across his cheek. The taller boy's neck moved with the force of the blow, but he still said nothing.
"I SAID, SAY SOMETHING!"
The rest of the club watched in sympathy as the hobbit smacked his cousin around a few more times, but they didn't dare intervene lest they become his next target.
When Hunny was all punched out, he backed away, legs weak, eyes teary. "Y-You really won't talk to me?"
Mori just blinked as he rubbed at his sore cheek.
"You probably liked it," Hunny choked as his voice cracked, the tears flowing. "YOU FREAK!" he cried, as he darted from the music room, sobs catching in his throat.
"Hunny-senpai!" Tamaki called before dashing after him, leaving the still smoking blunt abandoned in the corner.
The hobbit raced down the hall, breathing hurried. He wiped at his eyes so that he could make out where he was going, but a new layer of tears clouded over them after every scrub. His steps slowed as he reached the edge of the landing. What was the use in running? It wouldn't change either of problems. One being that he was an addict without cake and the other being that his cousin/lover, for whatever reason, didn't love him anymore. Coming to a complete halt, he leaned back against the wall and slid down, his head crumpling into his knees. A heavy sob finally escaped his throat and the large, deserted hallway reflected the sound.
"Hunny-senpai?"
"Huh?!" He jolted up, eyes narrowing in to identify the intruder. He finally sighed. "Do you have short term memory loss, Tama-chan?" He tried to glare at him, but found he didn't have the energy anymore. "Or are you just that stupid?"
"I knew you wouldn't shoot me, Hunny-senpai," Tamaki lied as he fell down beside him, back trailing the walls. Hunny considered finding another deserted hallway to brood in, but he found he didn't really have energy for that either. They both stared out into emerging night through the corridor window.
"It's getting late," Hunny mumbled.
"It's not just about cake, is it?" Tamaki eyed him, expression thoughtful. Hunny gazed back, his walls weakening. The Host King had a thousand faces- most of them being impossibly easy to lie to. This wasn't one of those and he certainly didn't have the strength to put on airs anyhow.
"I didn't mean to make anyone worry," he muttered. "I was just trying to prevent the inevitable," he muttered, giving Tamaki a bitter smile, before turning back to the window, the smile crumbling. "But looks like I didn't need to be a fat ass for that to happen."
"Mori-senpai!" They all huddled around him, save for Kyouya who was busy examining the damage in the bathroom.
"Are you okay?!" Kaoru demanded.
"Can you feel your face?" Both twins clapped around at their senior's cheeks.
"No, he was right." Mori fanned them away before stretching out upon a sofa, face down. "I did like it."
They blinked at him, revulsion sagging their features.
"Y-You didn't do all this just so Hunny-senpai would beat you up?" Haruhi asked hopefully.
"No." He responded and she sighed in relief.
"That was only half the reason," he spoke into the cushions. "I deserve this. I deserve to die."
"Eh…" The twins exchanged glances. "I wouldn't go that far, Mori-senpai."
"Then you were punishing yourself for enabling him all of these years and never putting up a fight for his safety because you were too much of a wimp," Haruhi nodded thoughtfully to herself, her fingers cupping her chin.
"Hm," the twins frowned. "When you put it that way, maybe you do deserve to die."
Mori just buried his head deeper into the sofa. "I don't deserve Mitsukuni," he breathed softly. "He deserves a strong, controlling boyfriend who carefully controls his meal portions, nap time and media intake," he explained. "Someone who demands to keep the password to his Facebook and checks his phone constantly."
Haruhi's eye twitched. "No, Mori-senpai," She sighed. "That sounds like an asshole. Besides," She rounded the sofa and leaned down, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hunny-senpai doesn't want anyone, but you. He's too stubborn to say it, but cake isn't the only reason he's upset."
Mori's head rose slightly from the pillow. "But how can I stop Mitsukuni from hurting himself?" he asked forlornly. "Every time he smiles or winks at me or cracks the whip, my resolve goes out of the window…"
Haruhi struggled to keep her smile. "Then don't try to control him," she said. "Just let him know that you accept him the way he is no matter what happens. Haven't you ever told him that?"
Mori considered it. "… no," he finally responded. "I don't talk a lot."
"We know." They all nodded.
"Well, maybe you should tell him sometimes," Haruhi offered. "Maybe he just needs positive reinforcement."
"Unless you do care if he gets huge," Kaoru put in.
"Which is totally understandable," Hikaru added.
Haruhi scowled at them.
"I…" Mori's head rose a few more inches above the cushion, eyes intense. "I think fat kids are cute."
They all shuffled about awkwardly, unsure of whether to be disturbed or charmed.
"If Mitsukuni got too big to walk," Mori went on regardless. "I could probably carry him anyway," he concluded. "Or I would just put him on a wagon and roll him around everywhere." A smile curved over his features. "He would like that."
The twins frowned. "That actually sounds like a health prob-"
"TAKASHIIIIIIIII!" A wailing hobbit rushed into the room, tears flying. Breaking into a sprint, he leapt from the ground and landed on the glooming Mori. "DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT?!"
"Of course, Mitsukuni." Mori thumbed at his lover's damp eyes. "Or else why do you think I bought that sumo costume for us?"
"I thought you were just trying to make me feel better about that third of a pound I gained!" Hunny sniffed.
"I was just excited that you would gain more," Mori cradled his head.
"But then," Hunny's eyes narrowed. "You're always checking out small guys!" He glared. "I see the way you look at those skinny bitches in the Toys R Us catalogues!"
Mori frowned. "I was just looking for toys for you."
"You really think fat kids are cute?" Hunny straddled him, eyes dead serious. "Even Fat Albert?"
"Mitsukuni," Mori hoisted himself up with his elbows to meet his gaze, eyes just as solemn. "I was just thinking about Fat Albert last night."
"Takashi!" Hunny cried.
"Mitsuku-," Mori attempted to finish, but his cousin had captured his mouth with hungry lips. The rest of the club swallowed hard. This was their cue to go do/watch something that was not vomit inducing. The twins wandered off to join Kyouya in checking out the gunshot hole in the bathroom. Haruhi started toward the double doors when she noticed that someone was already there.
Tamaki grinned at her from the entrance as she made her way toward him.
"So you've been here all along?" she asked, arms crossed. "I thought you might be laid out somewhere after you ran after Hunny-senpai like that."
"Eh?" He laughed nervously, scratching at the back of his head. "No…" Did his daughter think so little of him?
"Wasn't it stupid to run after him like that?" She cocked her head to the side. "Especially after you failed so badly at first?"
He flinched a bit at her wording before smiling. "I knew he couldn't shoot a face as handsome as mine." He winked and she deadpanned. "Besides," he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, subconsciously attempting to get as far away as possible without leaving the room from the offending scene on the sofa. "Someone had to."
"Hm…" she breathed, something strange stirring in her chest and tugging at the edges of her lips. She didn't particularly like it so she kept her mouth flat and tensed her form to halt the stirring. Odd… Perhaps she'd had too many of those leftover chocolate and Bailey's covered strawberries...
"Haruhi?" He leaned into her.
"Huh?" She blinked, shaking her head, as if coming out of a spell.
"You were staring at me," he frowned before something seemed to dawn- slowly- on him and his eyes lit up, his shoulders bobbing. "Were you staring at me?!" he gushed, hands cupping his cheeks.
"NO," Haruhi boomed with a little too much indignation. "I was actually staring at her." She pointed.
"Huh?" The blonde turned around and she sighed in relief. Saved by the fangirl who had tiptoed past them and made her way over to the sofa where Hunny and Mori were doing unspeakable things- wait, what?!
"Morinozuka-sama!" Maori cried at the disarrayed scene, her face frozen in extreme repugnance- a look they knew and sympathized with all too well. "This is why you wouldn't hook up with me?!" she roared, cheeks red. "Because you're gay and fucking your cousin?!"
"Um, princess?!" Tamaki caught her gently by the wrist, but she wrenched away.
"What are you?! Some kind of incestuous pedophile?!"
He just blinked at her. It was really all he could do, as Hunny had secured his mouth and hands with their uniform ties and had finally found a use for all of those carrots. Mori had gotten the punishment he'd sought for after all.
"It's just…" Maori grasped her dark bangs in her hands. "It's really…"
Tamaki and Haruhi squinted at her.
"It's just so…"
Hunny started to get pissed off again.
"AMAZING…" Maori squealed, her eyes glinting back and forth between the two. "... how fucked up this," she finished before whipping her smartphone out. "I can't wait to show everyone! Then you'll really be sorry for turning me down and making me witness this sick shit!"
"No one asked you to butt in," Hunny glared daggers into the camera phone.
"It's your own fault," Maori accused, snapping away with her camera app. " Why don't you get a room? And don't people sit on these couches?! Why'd you have to do it here?!"
"Agreed," Haruhi nodded.
"Princess, please-" Tamaki began to beg and she simply turned away from him in a huff before eying the offending scene again, her eyes narrowed, wheels spinning.
"I'll keep it to myself if you do one thing," she finally spoke.
"Anything," Mori mumbled through the gag.
"If I can't be your girlfriend…" She toyed with the bow on her dress, eyes downcast. "Can I be your beard?" She glanced up hopefully.
Mori nodded rapidly, eager to get her out of his line of sight as quickly as possible, and she yelped happily.
"Beard?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow and turned to the Host King for answers, but he simply shrugged in exasperation and, ironically, ignorance.
To their dismay, Maori babbled on for the rest of the evening about how jealous all of her classmates would be about her fake boyfriend. Kyouya charged Haruhi twice for each confiscated vegetable. However, in the end, he did allow her to take them home- too occupied with restroom repairs and enormous orders of cake to lend anymore unnecessary evil to the situation.
On the bright side, Hunny promised to attend a few of those eating disorder meetings after all, Tamaki forgot about her odd and momentary lapse in brain activity, and Mori never threatened to tutor unsuspecting children again.
Thanks again for your reviews! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! It was fun to write at times. I know it got a little serious for a bit there. It is awkward trying to balance serious and non-serious. Especially because I'm headed for more serious chapters. Blah. I want to write them, but this has been so humorous for so long! I'm worried it won't feel like the same story.
Well, next chapter will be especially goofy. In fact it is the last especially goofy chapter before SHIT GETS REAL, SON. It's based on the Wonderland episode/chapter and it'll be very different from the others that I've written. Hope it doesn't put you off too much, but we'll see. Hint - Ashman.
Also, for anyone in the dark, a beard is a woman who hangs around a gay man a lot- often posing as his girlfriend to avert suspicions that he is gay.
Please review and tell me what you liked or didn't like! Thanks again!