Kate hurried home to be with Madison knowing she would be confused about the situation with the twins. She was worried about Jack, worried about where he was and what he was doing to himself, this latest news equally or more disturbing than the news that had sent him on a destructive binge of alcohol and sleeping pills. Kate wasn't that well acquainted with Sarah and knew very little about Jack's father, but just thinking about what had obviously taken place was making her nauseous so she couldn't imagine what it was doing to Jack.
By the time Kate arrived at the house Madison had been told about the twins being taken away. She sat at the dining room table quietly doing her homework, waiting for her mom and Jack to get home. She saw the car pull into the driveway and ran out the front door to greet them, stopping and looking confused when Kate exited the car alone.
"Hi baby, how was school?" Kate attempted to sound cheerful.
"Where's Jack?" Madison asked.
"He's still at work sweetie." Kate lied.
"Is he really sad mom?" Maddie asked and began crying.
Kate approached the child, picked her up and carried her into the house. She thanked Elisha, their nanny for staying later than usual and carried Maddie into the living room. They sat together in the chair and Kate pulled her back so she could look at her.
"I guess Elisha told you what happened." Kate said.
"Why did that lady take the babies mom? Jack is a good daddy." Maddie asked.
"Honey it's complicated, but it's not because Jack wasn't a good father to them." Kate told her.
"I made him sad last night mommy and now he's really going to be sad. He takes care of us when we're sad mom so we have to do stuff to make him feel better." Maddie insisted as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks with Kate's not far behind as she thought about how right Maddie was and how incredibly sad Jack probably was at the moment.
"It's going to be okay baby and Jack's going to be okay." Kate told the child, holding her close and rocking her slowly.
Maddie jumped out of Kate's lap and ran to get her backpack. She pulled out the phone Jack bought her and turned it on.
"What are you doing sweetie?" Kate asked standing and taking the phone from her.
"I have to call him mommy." Madison said.
"You can't call him right now." Kate told her and turned the phone off.
"I have to mommy! I have to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't say it back last night and he thinks I hate him, please mommy I don't want Jack to be more sad because of me." Madison pleaded with her.
Kate walked the child back over to the chair and pulled her into her lap, talking softly to her and calming her down.
"This is what I wanted you to understand last night honey. This is what it really means to feel sorry for making a bad choice. It feels pretty awful huh?" Kate said.
"Mommy no, I don't want to talk about it, I just want to say I'm sorry. I really am. He's not stupid and I don't hate him. I have to tell him I didn't mean it." She pleaded with her mother and tried to grab the phone back from her.
"Maddie he knows you don't hate him and Andrew knows you didn't mean to hurt him and I know you didn't mean any of the things you said yesterday, but the thing about words Maddie is that once you let them slip out of your mouth, you can never take them back so you should always be careful what you say, especially when you are angry." Kate explained.
"Okay, but can we please call him and see if he needs us?" Maddie asked.
"He needs us honey, but we need to let him come home to us when he's ready." Kate said.
"Why?" Maddie asked.
"Because you're right and Jack is very sad right now and sometimes when people are sad they need some time to be alone, so let's you and me make some dinner or maybe order a pizza. It's Friday night, maybe Amy would like to come over." Kate suggested.
"No mom, I don't feel like it." Maddie said sadly and slid out of her lap returning to the dining room table to finish her math problems.
Kate spent the evening trying not to appear as freaked out as she felt. He hadn't called or even sent a text message. By midnight she was pacing as Maddie who had finally given up the fight lay sleeping on the couch. She saw the headlights in the driveway and sucked in her breath, praying it was him and not the police. She moved toward the front door and watched through the glass as he walked slowly up the sidewalk. He didn't appear to be drunk. He came through the door and stopped, looking her up and down and knowing he owed her not only an explanation but an apology, but all he could manage was a quick "hey" before shutting the door and locking the deadbolt.
She followed him into the living room. He looked at Madison sleeping on the couch and then back at Kate.
"She was worried and wanted to wait up for you." Kate told him and watched him bite his bottom lip and then reach down and pick the child up.
He carried her into her bedroom and Kate pulled the blankets back so he could lay her down. She opened her eyes, confused but aware enough to see it was Jack that was putting her to bed.
"Jack." She mumbled sleepily.
"Shh, it's late munchkin, we'll talk in the morning." Jack said softly and kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you." She said softly.
"I love you too." He said and kissed her one more time before quickly pulling away, turning his back and leaving the room as fast as he could.
Kate followed him, refusing to let him get away and withdraw from her. She caught up to him in-between the living room and dining room and grabbed onto both of his arms, forcing him to look at her.
"Kate, I can't…." Was all he managed to get out before she wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders.
"Yes you can, it's okay Jack, you're allowed to hurt in front of me." Kate whispered and then began sobbing as she felt him breaking down and holding onto her like she was the only thing in the entire world keeping him from losing his mind.
They stood together in the room, crying and holding onto one another and neither was sure for how long as he told her how helpless and worthless he felt watching them cry for him and not be able to do anything about it. Once she felt like he'd gotten that part out of his system she led him over to the couch, sat down with him and held onto his hand, rubbing her fingers lightly over the scar that would take years to fade.
"Your attorney gave me the highlights of your awful morning and I wish I would've been here with you, but I know that there is more Jack. You have been moody and edgy and stressed out for awhile so I want you tell me the rest, tell me what's been weighing so heavily on your mind." Kate insisted.
"I just knew this was coming Kate. Sarah had been too quiet, too agreeable. I knew she was waiting to pounce; I just had no idea when or how hard. I really wasn't expecting to find out she gave birth to my brother. That's so fucked up I can't even think about it for more than five minutes without feeling like I'm going to go crazy." Jack told her.
"Okay you were worried that Sarah would pounce, but what else? You've got to stop doing this Jack!" She raised her voice becoming frustrated with him.
"Doing what Kate?" He asked.
"This. You keep all this shit bottled up inside of you until you are ready to explode or in the case of last night you're so constipated with pent up emotions that you can't explode." She said.
"Because it's whining Kate, because if you can't suck it up and just deal with it then you're weak. What good does it do to burden other people with your problems?" He asked, becoming aggravated with her needling.
"Other people? I'm your wife Jack and I love you and I want to hear all about your day and your problems and maybe you should learn to take your own advice. You know the advice you give to little girls about not keeping things locked up in here." Kate said and poked her finger at his heart to emphasis where "here" was.
"She told you about that?" Jack asked, impressed the child had the capacity to recollect so much detail.
"Jack you are currently her favorite person in the world and she hangs on your every word and loves to share all of your wonderful advice with me." Kate told him.
"Kate it's just everything, little things that when you pool them all together start to become big things. I mean, my mom and me bickering about something is typically just part of a normal day for me, but this time it's so personal, the idea that she would purposely hurt the feelings of an innocent child makes me wonder if both my parents were born void of compassion or if life made them that way and if so, is that what I'm going to become eventually?" He explained, slowly starting to let go.
She didn't want to interrupt him, didn't want to give him a chance to catch himself and stop so she nodded and allowed him to see that she knew he was talking about his mother not wanting anything to do with Madison, let him see that it obviously stung, but that she wasn't going to let it destroy her or anything and then got him to relax back into the sofa and continue on, still holding onto his hand, her body pressed comfortably, securely against his.
"My hand isn't getting better Kate and it should be completely healed by now. It's weak and it shakes and I should be so fucking scared and freaked out about that and a part of me really is, but there's this other part of me that almost feels relieved, like I'm being given an out here. I don't want to turn into my father Kate and I must've been damn close while I was married to Sarah because it's the only thing that makes sense. I mean, how bad of a husband are you when your wife resorts to fucking your father to get back at you. I can't even begin to describe to you what it feels like to try to process that information." He continued on, but then stopped and got up.
He went into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of beer for himself and a bottle of water for her.
"Then there's this situation with kids and not just the twins. On one hand I'm dealing with the idea of losing them again and I can't stand the thought of not having them in my life, of not having my little boy run up to me with a toy he's pulled apart and begging me to fix it and Kayla, god Kate, she's my baby girl and I'm going to lose her, be reduced to quarterly visits and maybe a sniff on the holidays and how am I supposed to accept that when just the idea of it hurts so much I feel like I can't breathe?" He said, his voice growing softer as the admission triggered his emotions and he had to stop and get that under control.
"You said there was a situation with all the kids, what's going on with Madison that is eating at you?" Kate asked.
"Last night was pretty awful Kate, but it was progress, the first real progress we've made with her since we took her away from Michael, but you fought me, you always fight me. You tell me to get tougher with her, but then you undermine everything I do and I'm so tired of it. I'm sick of being constantly reminded that I'm not her father, that I'm basically nobody. I'm just the guy that married her mom, the guy that she loves as long as I'm giving into her very wish." Jack complained.
"Jack, three months ago you said you were content to be "Just Jack" to her and now what, you're pissed off because I respected your wishes and didn't try to force my child on you?" Kate asked, taking offense to the idea that she was keeping him from developing a relationship with her daughter.
"Kate I said I was ready to be whatever Madison needed me to be, but that it was up to her, that we shouldn't push her. I never said I didn't want to be a father to her, but apparently that's all you heard. You're on me constantly to stop spoiling her and to stop just being her pal, but you won't let me be anything more and she wants more than that from me Kate, she's practically begging for it or did you not notice that last night." Jack continued to vent his frustrations.
"Jack, I………" Kate started, but he continued on without letting her finish.
"I'm confused Kate and I admit it, I'm a little scared, not only because you won't let me be a father to Madison, but because I know, well I don't know for sure, but I strongly suspect you are pregnant, but you haven't said a word and I don't understand why you wouldn't want to tell me." He said, his voice so sad she had to swallow the large lump that instantly developed in her throat.
"How did you know?" She asked quietly, almost ashamed.
"The sudden onset of fatigue, the getting weepy over nothing, the sensitivity to smells and it's been a long time since I've been turned down in bed because it's the wrong time of the month. Nobody would ever accuse me of being an overly attentive husband Kate, but I'm not so out of touch that I wouldn't notice the tale-tale signs of pregnancy and I kept waiting for you tell me and you never did. I don't understand Kate. Are you having second thoughts? Are you thinking about not having it or maybe taking it away? I mean what is it about me that makes women not want to let me be a father? I thought we wanted this and we have it and you aren't excited about it and that's why I couldn't finish last night because the entire time I was making love to you all I could think about was that you are pregnant and don't want to be." He told her.
He wasn't being whiney or paranoid, he was accepting what he perceived as the reality that he had failed again and was about to lose another child because of it and it broke her heart to know that her silence had hurt him so much. She was rattled by the realization that the fears Michael had instilled in her that she was trying so hard to let go of, but that were embedded so deep she couldn't were causing her to subconsciously sabotage Jack's relationship with Maddie.
What Jack didn't know however, was that the incident with Madison the night before had alleviated many of those fears, that his calm, rational handling of a child that in her day would've found herself being spanked all the way into the bedroom and left to stew without any words of wisdom and probably no dinner, had helped her accept and believe that he would never treat her or Maddie the way Michael had and she wasn't even really aware that all of that was going through her mind until just now.
"Jack, I'm sorry. You're right, everything you said about Madison is true even though I didn't realize I was doing that until just now. I guess even though he's dead, Michael is still ruling my life so maybe I should take your advice and find someone to talk to about it before I ruin the first good thing I've known. I am pregnant and I don't know why I haven't told you, but it has nothing to do with not wanting your baby and certainly isn't about not wanting you. Maybe I'm just scared that all this good that has come into my life might go away if I actually put it out there to be recognized." She explained.
He wrapped his arm around her, pulled her into him and closed his other arm around her, holding her like he would never let her go.
"We're both kind of a nervous, twitchy, shell-shocked mess aren't we? Maybe instead of finding someone to talk to, we should try talking to each other because it would appear that I'm not the only one that likes to keep things bottled up." Jack offered.
"I will if you will. I am happy about this baby Jack. Today doesn't seem like the right day to be happy or excited about it though, not when there has been so much shock and sadness." Kate admitted.
"Today is okay Kate. It's the one bright spot in an otherwise gloomy day." Jack said.
"No, the real bright spot is that you didn't go out and obliterate yourself with alcohol because I have to be honest with you Jack, when I saw those headlights in the driveway I was expecting a police cruiser. I think you not getting drunk today shows a great deal of strength and integrity." Kate said.
"I'm not that honorable Kate and really don't deserve the awe you're regarding me with at the moment. I was going to get drunk because I'm weak and that's what I do when life gets too fucked up to deal with. In fact, I had already gone to my favorite bar and had gone inside and ordered a drink, no beer, I was going straight for the hard stuff." Jack admitted.
"So what made you change your mind?" Kate asked.
"I pulled out my wallet to give Charlie my credit card to run a tab, you know before I got so drunk I couldn't find my wallet and the first thing I saw was this little piece paper that Maddie gave me a while back. She had put on some lipstick and kissed the piece of paper. She told me to keep it so when I was having a bad day I could pull it out and put it on my cheek and it would be like she was giving me a kiss and making me feel better. I guess it was kind of like the locket I gave her. It was really cute and sweet so I made a big deal of putting it in my wallet while she was watching. I had forgotten about it, but then today when I'm at the lowest point in my life I open my wallet and there it is, this sign, this huge reminder that there are people depending on me and I couldn't do it Kate. I couldn't put you through another episode of me being too drunk to take care of myself and I'd never want Maddie to see me like that." He told her.
"Like I said, strength and integrity. Choosing us over comfort for yourself was very honorable Jack and you're no longer just one step closer to not becoming your father, you've made the entire leap. You aren't him and you aren't your mother's uncompassionate son and you are a wonderful husband and father. So, what did you do today Jack?" Kate asked.
"I spent the day driving around to all the different places my father my never took me, had myself a little pity party and then spent the last few hours at the cemetery talking to him. Why can't I just be angry and disgusted with him and let him go Kate? Jesus, the man slept with and impregnated my wife, does it get any more vile than that?" Jack struggled with his emotions.
"He's your father Jack and also the most important and influential person in your life from what I can gather. How does a person let go of that? I'm not sure who is more disgusting in all of this, the woman that promised to always love you and forsake all others or the man you should've been able to trust to never betray you in this way. Either way it's probably the worst thing that two people who are supposed to care about you could do you Jack and if anyone deserved a drink today you did, but I'm so happy that you found a less destructive way to deal with it." Kate said.
"Deal with it? Hell, I don't even know where to begin, but finding that little piece of paper helped me realize that giving Sarah more ammunition to use against me wasn't the place to start. You were right. She knows how to push all the right buttons and has expectations for how I'll react when she does, but no more. She's not going to keep me from them and she might win the battle for custody, but by god she's going to know she's just been through a war and will be licking her wounds by the time it's over. All I need is to visualize that hateful smirk she had on her face today to keep me ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fight her. Who does that Kate? I mean what kind of mother can stand there and watch her babies crying and hurting and get off on it?" Jack spat angrily.
They didn't talk anymore after that, instead they snuggled up together on the couch and watched a movie, something they hadn't done in a long time, both of them falling asleep less than an hour into it. He awoke the next morning in his bed, but had no memory of how he got there. His mind and body so exhausted he had apparently walked to bed without remembering any of it. He moved out of the bed and into the bathroom.
He could hear their voices as he walked out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen and could smell the cookies or cake that was either in the oven or had just come out of the oven. He was just about to round the corner when Kate met him and pulled him into the living room.
"You can't go in there, Maddie is making you something." Kate told him.
"That's really sweet Kate, but I need coffee. Can you tell her I'll close my eyes, which really wouldn't be far from the truth." Jack asked.
"No, I'll bring you some coffee, just sit down and relax. You do know how to relax don't you?" Kate teased knowing that the man had no idea how to relax.
Jack sat in the living room drinking coffee and finding that the smells coming from the kitchen were making him hungry. He was just about to get up and investigate when Maddie walked into the living room carrying a plate. He smiled and relaxed back into the couch. She walked up to him and handed him the plate, that was actually a platter and nearly bigger than the child. He held the plate in his hand and studied it, finding it nearly impossible to keep his emotions in check.
As he studied the plate of gingerbread men that had been decorated with so much detail he couldn't imagine how long the little girl had been working on them, he was both touched and saddened. The one large gingerbread man in the middle was him and the three smaller gingerbread men, all with appropriate colored hair were Maddie and the twins. The large gingerbread man had a white shirt frosted onto him and in red letters on the front of the shirt the words "Best Dad Ever". He sucked up his grief and sadness and forced a smile for her, knowing she wasn't trying to make him sad. He set the plate on the coffee table and pulled the little girl into his lap, thanking her, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek.
"Those are great Maddie. Did you make them by yourself?" He asked.
"Mommy helped me some, but I told her how I wanted the words." She admitted.
"It's the best surprise anyone ever gave me." He told her.
"Really?" She asked.
"Really, but I can't eat them, they're too special. We'll have to find a way to save them so I can keep them forever." Jack told her.
"I made some more you can eat, I'll go get them." She said and ran to the kitchen, returning with a plate and crawling back into his lap. He took a bite chewed it up and smiled at her.
"These are good. I haven't eaten a gingerbread man since I was kid." Jack told her.
"Jack, I'm sorry I'm bad." She told him.
"You aren't bad Maddie, what you did was bad. You are one terrific kid and don't ever forget that." Jack told her.
"I don't hate you and I won't never say that again." She continued to apologize.
"I know you didn't mean it, but I'm glad you're not going to say it anymore." He said.
"I know you're sad about the babies going away. I wish that lady didn't do that, you're a good daddy." She said.
"Thank you for saying that munchkin, it means a lot to me and I'll be okay so I don't want you worrying about me. Okay?" Jack said and kissed her on the tip of her nose.
"I know it's not the same, but if you wanted, I could be your little girl until you get Kayla back." Maddie offered and Jack was certain his broken heart started to mend just a little in that moment.
"You're right, it's not the same because you're Maddie and she's Kayla and I could never replace either one of you. If you really want to be my little girl I would love that, but there's one condition." Jack told her.
"What?" Maddie asked.
"It has to be forever." Jack said.
"Does that mean you're going to be my daddy and I don't have to call you Jack no more?" She asked.
"Are you sure that's what you want?" Jack asked.
"I do for so long, but…" Maddie admitted.
"But what?" Jack asked softly, sweetly trying to make sure she understood she could tell him anything.
"You have your own babies, I didn't know if you wanted me, but mommy and me talked today and she said I should talk to you because you would never tell me lies." Maddie told him, her bottom lip quivering as she fought back her tears.
Jack pulled the little girl into his chest, wrapping both arms around her and hugging her as tight as he could without hurting her, wishing that this sweet little girl could've believed all along that he'd be anything she needs to him to be, that he loved her and the fact that she didn't come from his loin didn't matter to him. He wished she didn't have to know so much hurt and confusion at such a tender age, that her loving him and wanting him to be her dad was normal and okay and that she didn't need anyone's permission to feel that way.
"I want you Maddie and always have. You are all my babies, every one of you is loved the same. You, Andrew, Kayla and even the baby inside your mom's stomach, I love all of you and I want to be your daddy if you want me to be." Jack said.
"I do and I promise to be good." Maddie told him as she pulled back from his clutches, sat up on her knees, kissed him on the cheek and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Just promise to try honey, nobody can be good all the time." Jack said, his large hand on her back in a comforting manner, glancing across the room at Kate who wiped her own tears and nodded at him before leaving the room.
Maddie pulled back and looked at him, as serious a look as he'd experienced from her.
"Mommy has a baby in her stomach?" Maddie asked.
"Yes. What do you think?" Jack asked.
"What kind is it?" Maddie asked.
"We don't know yet, but I bet he or she is going to love their big sister as much as Andrew and Kayla do." Jack told her.
"Ja…..um, daddy can I ask you something?" Maddie asked.
"You can ask me anything." He said and then secretly hoped she wasn't going to ask him how the baby got into her mother's stomach.
"If my other dad is dead and Carol is in jail, who is taking care of my baby sister?" Maddie asked.
"I bet you miss her huh?" Jack said.
"Some, but I never got to play with her too much." Maddie said.
"Why not?" Jack asked.
"My dad said we had to be um…inviduals so we should know how to be happy by ourselves." Maddie explained.
Jack guessed that Michael preferred them separated so that he could do things to them without them going to each other and comparing notes.
"You mean individuals and yes we all need to be who we are, but we don't ever need to do that alone. Your dad was wrong about that and don't worry about your sister, she is being taken care of by people who love her." Jack assured the child.
"He's not my dad anymore, he's just Michael and he's dead. Can he just be Michael and not my daddy?" Maddie asked.
"Sweetheart, he can be whatever you want him to be and that might change every day for awhile and that's okay as long as you always believe that you are special and loved and that it is okay for you to love him or not love him. It is always okay to feel the way that you feel Maddie, there is no right or wrong way to feel about anything." Jack explained.
"I want you to be my daddy and I want my last name to be Shephard like all your other kids. Can Amy come over so I can tell her?" Maddie asked.
"Sure. Go call her and we'll go pick her up if her mom says it's okay." Jack said.
He watched the little girl run off to the kitchen to call her friend and smiled as Kate approached him. She looked happy and had the pregnancy glow and even though his heart was broken over the twins and he was trying to find a way to wrap his brain around with the fact that his wife gave birth to his brother, he was also feeling happy. He'd chosen to recognize and appreciate the gifts he had in his life instead of wallowing in the sorrow and for the first time since his ex-wife left him and took his children he felt confident that everything was going to okay, that no matter what happened, the twins would know their father loves them and wants to be with them and maybe, just maybe, they might even be living with him while they're knowing that.