You know it's serious when I put an author's note at the beginning. I know that many of you will hate this chapter. Please understand that every person reacts differently to this diagnosis. Every person has a right to work through their feelings in their own time. Have faith. If you need reassurance read the very beginning once again and hopefully you will stay to the very end.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR MY DS COMMUNITY AND PARENTS OF SPECIAL NEEDS!
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Down Syndrome. A wide range of developmental delays and physical disabilities caused by a genetic disorder. More than two hundred thousand US cases per year. Requires a medical diagnosis. Lab tests or imaging often required. Treatment can help but this condition can't be cured.
Below average intelligence and set of life skills present before age eighteen.
Trisomy 21 is usually caused by an error in cell division called "nondisjunction." Nondisjunction results in an embryo with three copies of chromosome twenty-one instead of the usual two. Prior or at conception, a pair of the 21st chromosomes in either the sperm or egg fails to separate.
When you type Down Syndrome into the Google search engine, this is what you would find. Every piece of information was clinical and exact. Within seconds, those two words, Down Syndrome would cause me to abandon every promise I had ever made.
The more I read, the worse I felt. At one point I was sure that my breakfast would coat the waste basket near my desk, but hours had passed since our happy breakfast and there was nothing more in my stomach to purge.
The room had turned dark from the long hours I had put in sitting in front of my computer. I could feel my body begin to shake. Over and over I thought, how could this happen? From what I read, it usually was inflicted upon older mothers. Bella and I were barely twenty. This wasn't fair. What if James was the cause. His horrible genes messing everything up. But from what I read, unless that fetus had Translocation Down Syndrome, which in some cases was hereditary, it couldn't be pinpointed to who was at fault. Translocation Down Syndrome only affected less than five percent of the Down Syndrome population. So, our chances that James was the carrier of the gene were low. Then again, what if it was Bella's genes that caused this? Did that mean that we would never be able to have more children? What if all of Bella's eggs were compromised? It could be dangerous for us to try and have more children. I would make sure to get Bella tested.
What if Bella carried the gene? We could never have children.
We could never have children.
No children.
No heir.
My heart broke over and over from this news and I found myself on my couch in the study curled up and crying. I could feel myself begin to hyperventilate at the very thought. My whole world was ending.
I managed to calm myself down thinking of how we had a very small chance of Bella having the gene. Perhaps the fetus only had Trisomy 21 which affected ninety-five percent of the Down Syndrome population. The other one percent was something called Mosaic Down Syndrome in which the extra chromosome only affected a percentage of cells. Perhaps not all hope was lost for our future children.
I stand up and walk about the room wondering what I should do next. I knew I needed to do more research. If I was going to see Bella and talk through this with her, I needed to be prepared with my knowledge just in case she wasn't amenable to termination. I don't foresee having too many issues talking to her about it because there were a couple good reasons why this was the best solution. First being that this was James's biological child so, it would be easier to terminate it. It was a mistake in the first place. Something that should never have happened.
Oh god! I sighed and clutched my chest. This was all my fault. The Halloween party would forever be my fault. I could have stopped Bella. I could have been kinder to her that day. I could have done so many things that would have changed this whole outcome. This Down Syndrome baby was all my fault!
I see a decanter of my good Brandy sitting on the side bar and a glass is what I needed. I begin to pour the contents, hearing the clink of the glasses ringing out in the silent room. I took a small sip first and then reason states, I should just slam the whole thing back. I pour another glass and go and sit back down at my computer. I take this glass a little slower than the last. My stomach begins to turn from lack of proper nutrition in my body to soak up the alcohol.
I place my fingers on my keyboard and I have a flash in my mind of my previous silly dream of my daughter. I quickly shake the image from my head knowing that she was gone. I take the glass and finish the contents once more.
I begin to type, down syndrome abortion. I quickly backspace the word abortion and replace it with termination. For some reason the word offended me. Termination sounded more clinical and therefore made me feel better about what I was researching.
…due to abortions, only one or two babies with Down Syndrome are born each year in Iceland.
Really? Wow, Iceland managed to nearly eradicate Down Syndrome. So…this is good. I mean, if a whole country could manage that feat, then maybe we were moving in the right direction with the world.
It was well past midnight when I finally went to my bedroom. I wondered if Bella would still be awake. I was relieved when she wasn't. I pulled back the covers and notice that she is sleeping, not in the fancy lingerie that I had become accustomed to but in that damn ratty t-shirt she used when we were back in Washington.
My eyes traveled towards her stomach and I see her premature bump. I shake my head and quickly pull the covers back on wanting to hide it. I sighed and turned back around and leave. I couldn't sleep next to her tonight. I needed some space.
I find solace on my leather couch back in my study. I think about Bella sleeping in the bed and I hate myself a little more. I knew I was being a horrible fiancé. I was being a horrible everything. I knew she needed me. I couldn't give her anything. I couldn't give her answers for why this was happening. I couldn't give her comfort because I could barely manage to hold myself together. If I saw her tears and pain, I would surely make the situation worse.
The next morning, I felt horribly achy from the couch I slept on. I wanted to take a shower but was afraid I would find Bella in our room, so I headed towards our gym and found clean workout clothes there waiting for me. But instead of the shower, I decided to go for a run. Maybe a run would help relieve me of my suffering.
I was just about to leave when I saw Jasper standing at the exit door.
"Hey…" He said softly. "I heard. I…if you need someone to talk to…"
I shook my head and placed my headphones in my ears.
"Don't worry about it. I just need space," I replied. I pressed the button on my phone and my music started up. I walked past him and continued on with my jog leaving Jasper behind. I left behind Jasper and his…help. I left behind the palace. I left behind Bella and all my problems focusing on the banging drums as my song began to scream in my ears.
I don't know how long I was able to run but I found myself outside a small park on the east end of Odesa. I could see children running around and playing, happy and ignorant of my whole world crashing down. I stopped my jog and watched as the small bundled up kids played on the swings and slide. Watched and pretended that one of the kids was mine. Perfect and without Down Syndrome.
When I had enough of my disgusting fantasies, I headed back to the palace. I found myself feeling more and more weighed down the closer I came to the perfectly designed structure. When I entered, Bennett stood beside the door.
"Your Highness, your parents would like a word."
I feel more weight being added.
"Tell them I'm taking care of it."
I knew by now they would know. If Jasper knew, my parents would know. I didn't want to hear their lectures on our family and the level of perfection we needed to preserve. I knew my expectations. We were held to a higher standard. I would make sure that Bella understood this. I couldn't even manage to have a conversation with Bella, how would I even consider a conversation with my parents at this point.
"Your Highness…" Bennett tried fruitlessly to get me to grasp what he needed me to do.
"I told you to tell them that I am taking care of it!" I roared.
Bennett backed away almost immediately.
"Yes, Your Highness," He whispered.
Once again, I could feel the weight push down a little more.
I didn't know where to go. I just wanted to be left alone but knowing my parents, they would send someone after me and pester me until I indulged them with their conversation. I found myself in the Zenvo car sitting in our parking garage. I turn the key and the space car lights up and hums softly. I don't know exactly where I am going to go but as long as it was anywhere but here, it would be preferable.
I didn't take the car anywhere exciting. I drove it toward this orchard I knew was nearby and sat in it as I imagined the picnic I had planned to take Bella on if she had agreed to leave the palace. Even though it was still rather chilly, I had everything perfectly planned out. Now it seemed silly to worry about the cold.
I didn't eat anything that day. Instead I took my time before heading back to the palace after nightfall. This time when I entered my bedroom, I had every intention of attempting to speak with Bella. But she wasn't there in our bed. It was well past eleven and I was sure she would be here. I walked cautiously around the room and didn't find her anywhere within. I see the door to the Chesterfield suite shut closed which I thought was curious because since she had practically moved in, she kept it open in case she needed to dash next door for something to wear.
I walked over to the door and opened it slowly. Bella wasn't in my bed because she had chosen to sleep in the bed inside the Chesterfield Suite. I sighed and my body sagged from the weight I had been holding onto all day. I see her sleeping in the bed and I want to join her or wake her up and bring her back to my bed, but I don't because it is clear. She is upset with me. She is sleeping away from me for a reason and I deserve her absence.
I didn't speak to her until Sunday. Only then because I knew we needed to meet with the doctor the next day. I had managed to ostracize myself from everyone that week. I was angry and upset and thankfully after the first few days, the people around me knew to steer clear.
I sent Bennett with a request to meet with Bella in the Crimson Room. I wasn't sure if she was even going to come seeing how I had treated her. But, Bella was far more mature than I and she did come. She didn't even have an angry face which I had prepared for.
"Thank you for coming…I wasn't sure that you would," I began softly.
Bella held her breath and licked her lips shut but she didn't reply.
"Tomorrow, Doctor Molina is coming by and he needs to know what we have decided. I think we both have done a lot of thinking..."
"Yeah...a lot of solitary thinking," She awkwardly insinuated.
She took to biting on her inner cheek. I knew what she meant with her comment, but I couldn't give her what she need right then. So instead I offered her a lie.
"I just thought it would be best to think through what we both wanted...and then come together so that at least we knew where we stood individually without being pressured by what...the other person thought."
"Awe...I guess that makes sense. A decision this big is probably best to be not made together."
"That's not what I said." I tried to keep my tone calm. She had every right to call me out on my bullshit, but I couldn't take hearing it.
"Are you sure? Whatever Edward." She replied rolling her eyes. "What did you decide?"
She sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest and stared at me passively. I took a deep breath and sat down on the couch complimentary to her and tried to find the right words without offending her.
"Well...seeing how this baby wasn't supposed to be...and given all the health risks. I think it would be wise to terminate."
It was out. Half the battle. Saying it loud, however it did cause my soul to hurt. I was doing the right thing. After all my research and deep contemplation, this was the right thing. We could go on and have more babies. Dozens if it made her heart content. And they would be our true blood. She had to know that this was the best option in our position.
"Oh okay. Umm...I'm just curious, what did the doctor tell you because, as far as I knew. There hasn't even been a heart problem detected yet so what health risks?" She asked.
"Nearly 50 percent of these babies are born with heart defects. And that's not all. Many need long exhausting NICU stays. NG tubes. Feeding issues. Physical therapies needed. Speech therapies. The list is endless."
"Well, so do a lot of babies. When you get pregnant you roll the dice on the many complications a baby could have. It doesn't necessarily only apply to Down Syndrome. As far as the heart issues we have a fifty fifty chance at this baby being born with no heart defects," she argued.
"Well the odds haven't exactly been in our favor," I muttered sitting back in my chair.
It was clear that Bella and I were going to see differently on this. I had hoped that she would attempt to have a clear head about all of this. That she wouldn't let hormones determine our future. Why couldn't she see that I what I wanted was best?
"Look, I understand you're grieving for the baby that you thought we were going to have. It's okay Edward. It's to be expected and every person takes the time they need to come to terms with this. I understand you're scared because it's the unknown. You googled Down syndrome and of course you were given the doom and gloom and instead of using all this time to not speak with me, you could have been talking to people who actually have children with Down syndrome to paint a more realistic picture as I did. And I'm not going to say that having a child that could have a physical or mental impairment isn't a challenge. That having a baby or child with Down syndrome is puppies and rainbows. There are challenges just as there are with typical kids. I'm sure your own parents can attest that you weren't always a dream to raise. But...please find a support group and talk to people who have been where we are before you completely write off this child. Believe it or not, this baby has a right to live and be happy and be productive just like every other human being on the planet. And if you think that I would just...get rid of it because this baby isn't your definition of perfect or good enough then you don't know me at all."
I sighed and placed my hand on my forehead hoping to apply enough pressure to cause my headache to leave.
"This is not the life I had envisioned for myself," I all but whispered.
"Oh and what? You think that this was the life I had envisioned for myself? To be a nothing more than the wife of prince who spends her days planning charity balls and tea parties. Making sure that I am properly prissed at all times and to be so busy that I don't even get to enjoy what I love in life. Do you know the last time I had a chance to pick up a book? But I do it because I love you. I guess I believed you all those times you said you loved this baby and would do anything for her. Silly Bella. Silly stupid Bella."
She gets off her chair and walks away from me to go and look out the window. Her words stung. She was right because I did make all these vows and now this child's DNA was causing me to be sick. I wanted to attempt to picture her but all I could see was everything that was going to be wrong with her. I imagined Bella sitting beside the little pod in the baby intensive care wing at the hospital crying her eyes out as the baby lied with tubes sticking out all over her. I see a future where Bella is stressed because our child can't read or do the simplest tasks.
"Bella this child could have severe handicaps," I begin to try again. "It would be a kindness to put her out of her misery."
Bella turns around and now I see she has tears in her fiery eyes. "Put her out of her misery or put you out of yours?"
"Bella…"
"No! Do you even understand what it is that you are asking of me? I know that you are heartbroken because I too was there a few days ago but...as I sat on the bathroom floor alone...crying my eyes out for the child I thought I was having, she moved in me. She moved and kicked me, and I felt as if she were saying, what mommy, am I not good enough for you? And that is a guilt and something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life."
"We can make another baby!" I exclaimed.
"And what happens if that baby isn't perfect enough for the crown? Will you push me to terminate it as well? And then next baby and the next? Perhaps you should just Henry the Eighth me and have me beheaded for not giving you your perfect heir!" She snapped.
"Stop it!" I shouted back at her.
"I figured it was only a matter of time before you were going to start spouting off my expectations once again."
"Have you ever considered what life she would have? She'll never get married. Never have a chance at more. Never sit on the throne!" I declared walking towards her.
"You don't know that!" She barked. "Don't ever tell me what my child can or cannot do! As far as your throne, I would say that would be a blessing right about now. How could I ever want her to sit there if this is what it would turn her into."
"You're just ready to jump into the fire and raise a retarded child," I spit.
Bella pulled back and smacked me straight across the face. I stared at her in utter shock unable to comprehend what just happened. Bella's chest rose as her breaths came hard and fast. Tears streaming down her face.
"Don't you ever call my child retarded," She lethally whispered.
I could still feel the sting upon my face and I welcomed it because I began to realize what line I had crossed.
"Bella..." I whispered back.
She turned and went to leave the Crimson Drawing room. I needed to say something. She was surely going to leave me now.
"Bella…" I tried once more a little louder. My face etched in agony at the sight of her turmoil I had caused. She finally stopped and turned to me.
"Nothing scares me more than a person who thinks they're right… when they are so clearly wrong," She said. Then she turned back around and walked out.
I sat back down and my hands swallowed up my face as I tried to find any reason to leave that room. My heart hurt. My head hurt. I didn't think we would ever come back from this. We obviously had two very different opinions and it would cause the dissolution of our union.
I see Jasper slowly walk into view almost afraid to be seen but I welcomed it. I needed someone to speak with.
"How much of that did you hear?" I asked.
"Enough," he replied walking into the room and sitting down where Bella had been only moments before. "Thought you might finally like someone to talk to since you've pretty much cut everyone out since you were given the news."
"I wanted to make this decision without outside influences," I said giving him my standard lie. "I researched and have thought of nothing else since the doctor told us."
Jasper seemed to have a simple grin on his face as he looked around in disbelief.
"Edward, you made your decision the moment the words came out of the doctor's mouth. It's easy to find the evidence one needs when they only want to look at part of the picture. What has you more worried that she isn't normal by society standards or by yours?"
I huffed and got up from my seat. I feel a fight coming on again, so I feel the best position I can be in is strong and stable on my feet.
"Am I the only one who is thinking clearly? Iceland boasts about how they've managed to practically rid the country of Down Syndrome and yet, I voice a similar opinion and I'm the villain."
"And you think it's okay to eradicate a whole group of people?" Jasper asked.
"Oh, come off it Jasper. That's not what I meant," I snapped.
Jasper sits back in his chair clearly relaxed and seeing me pose no threat.
"Well, I guess I'm confused. Have you ever for one second tried to imagine that Down syndrome isn't a horrible plight and that your child might actually be happy? Have you even allowed for that notion?" he asked.
"She would never be accepted," I explained. "I am the crown prince. We are held to higher expectations. The people...they would never accept us to raise a child like this!"
"And for this crime she should die? Being born into the crown prince's family?"
I scoffed and turn away from him. Once again, Jasper had it so easy in life. Even though he grew up with me, he was never given the same life I had been born into. How could he not understand my point of view when he found me countless times unable to do certain things, act a certain way because of my status.
"So of course, you would take Bella's side," I replied.
"No, I think I was taking the baby's side," he said.
"Bella...She won't listen to reason," I said softly, talking to myself and walking back over towards the window hoping that the picturesque scene outside would calm me.
"Reason? You're talking about killing an innocent child!" Jasper exclaimed.
I didn't know how to respond so I just kept staring at the pond down below. I hear Jasper stand up from his chair and for a moment, I felt I should be worried about leaving my back open for attack, but I don't care.
"Edward why did you go to the U.S.?" Jasper asked rhetorically. "You told me you wanted to know what kind of man you would be without your crown. I think you finally found out."
I hear him leave and am lost in thought. I think back to plain old just Edward and wonder what he would have done if he was given the information. What I would have done if I didn't have the weight of the crown holding me down. Washington Edward. Would he think differently? No. Because we were the same person. My choices would have been the same. So, what does that tell you about me? No matter who I was, in the end my heart was selfish. It would take another selfish person to put me in my place.
AN: Posting early because I will probably be very tired tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint all those waiting anxiously for the update. A special shout out to pcctwiff231! Your review I kept in my inbox to help me continue this story with purpose. Of course there were a couple of negative GUEST reviews that I knew I would get when I decided to begin this journey. I knew this subject line would be unwelcome in some circles. Thank you so much for your positive words!
Yes, I wrote this to honor my daughter. I hope that with the countless hours I have put into this story, that someone will walk away feeling differently about DOWN SYNDROME. It is Down Syndrome Awareness Month and this is a small way I can try and make the world a better place for my daughter. PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I would not change my daughter for the world. I will change the world for my daughter and that is the TRUTH whether you want to believe it or not!
Until next time. For all those who wish to continue...See you next week!
DISCLAIMER: STORY IS MINE. CHARACTERS BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.