No infringement intended.
Going to keep this short and sweet today. Thanks again for all the support. It still means the world to me.
Chapter 25
I'd sell my soul to go back in time and beg you to wait for me.
I exhaled loudly and stared at my screen until my vision went a bit fuzzy. What the hell was that supposed to mean?
From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Cullen
Sent: Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 3:45 PM
Subject: Time Travel
Don't say things like that to me. It's easy to say things like that when you know it's not possible. But the truth is, I can't afford to think like that, it's too damn painful. We're not 18 anymore and going back isn't an option. Now, I don't know about you but I have a late night tonight and a lot of work ahead of me, none of which is getting done while I'm sitting here playing the 'what if' game with you.
Bella
I went back to the other email that I'd saved before getting preoccupied with Edward and all that drama but the ping of a new email message in my inbox seconds later was too much of a temptation to avoid. Knowing full well that I should walk away, I clicked over to my inbox and on Edward's reply.
From: Edward Cullen
To: Isabella Swan
Sent: Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 3:48 PM
Subject: Late Nights
You answered my first email at 5 am and you say you're working late? How late? Don't you have employees to help you out around there?
From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Cullen
Sent: Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 3:51 PM
Subject: Staffing
I have wonderful employees. Wednesday is Jake's night to have Charlie so I choose to work late and catch up on anything that needs catching up. Better to stay busy than to sit at home alone.
From: Edward Cullen
To: Isabella Swan
Sent: Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 3:55 PM
Subject: Staying Busy
I know all too well the benefits of staying busy but who says you have to be alone?
From: Isabella Swan
To: Edward Cullen
Sent: Wednesday, Aug 29, 2012 3:59 PM
Subject: Loneliness
History. History tells me that I'm better off alone, not that it's any of your business anyways. Now if you'll excuse me, I really do have stuff to accomplish today. I'm officially signing out of my email.
As soon as I hit send, I closed out the browser window and immediately left my office before the lure of a possible reply could hold me back. I threw myself into making a huge batch of cake batter and baked off several different shapes and sizes of cakes. I made another tub of buttercream and tried out a new filling that I'd been meaning to try for weeks. When my cakes were done, I wrapped each in plastic wrap and tucked them away in the freezer, feeling rather accomplished.
I was just washing my dishes when Angela popped her head in to tell me she was leaving so I could lock up after her. I followed her back out to the front and nearly screamed when I saw a tall, bronze haired man waiting with yet another bouquet of purple hyacinths. I glanced at Angela whose eyes were bright and dancing. She had a giant smile plastered on her scheming face.
"You are so fired!" I whispered.
"Oh, you love me," she retorted. "Come on, he's really cute and he sends flowers with meaning, not generic cheap roses. It's about time you got laid," she whispered back with a laugh as she pulled her bag out from under the counter and tossed it onto her shoulder. "See you tomorrow."
She eyed Edward up and down appraisingly as she passed him, winked at me and then walked out the door, leaving the two of us alone, staring at each other.
"More apology flowers, huh?" I asked, walking around the counter to the door and clicking the lock.
"You know what they mean?" he asked, surprised.
"I didn't, I just thought they were pretty. Angela, the one who just left, she told me what they mean."
"Oh," he said quietly, "well good."
We were quiet again until I exhaled loudly in frustration. "Why are you here, Edward?"
"I didn't want you to be alone."
I couldn't stop the snort that bubbled up from me. "Ha, I've been alone for four years now. Why should tonight be any different?"
Edward's eyes dropped to the ground briefly and then rose again to meet mine. "Why shouldn't it?"
I didn't have a reply to that; I was still stunned by him appearing yet again. "Alright fine," I sighed. "I'm just finishing some dishes. I guess you can come on back."
I turned on my heel and headed back into the kitchen, not bothering to see if he was following, I knew he was. I could feel him.
I went straight to the sink and plunged my hands into the hot, soapy water and set to work scrubbing the cake pans with a renewed vigor as I tried to grasp what was happening. Edward was here, standing just behind me looking more attractive than he had any right to be. After a long day of work he looked simply delicious in his three piece suit, while I was sweaty and disheveled, wearing an apron covered in frosting and cake batter with unkempt hair pulled back into a messy bun. This was a total disaster.
"Uh, where can I put these?" I heard him ask over the blare of the radio. We always had music playing softly during the day but we often turned it up at night while we were cleaning. I turned and saw him holding up the vase of flowers he'd brought, his eyebrows raised in question.
"Oh, uh, I guess you can set those on my desk. It's just over there, through that door." I motioned towards my office with a sudsy hand before turning back around. "There should be a couple stools around here too, if you'd like to take a seat. I'm going to be a minute."
In truth, I could have knocked out these dishes in a matter of minutes but I was taking my sweet time, paying meticulous care to each and every pan, allowing myself the time to collect my thoughts. I turned the radio down just a bit as he headed back towards my office but he seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time returning or maybe it just felt like forever. I forced myself not to turn around and look and eventually, I heard the sound of footsteps returning. I waited for the metallic scraping of a stool being moved but it never came as he continued to walk around the room
"This is a great space you have," he said from somewhere behind me. I dared a peek over my shoulder and saw him running a hand along the giant butcher block table that sat in the middle of the room. "Seriously Bella, this is truly fantastic. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks. It's a lot of work but I love it. I really do." I gave him a small smile and returned my gaze to the sudsy water in front of me.
"And you're good at it. I saw the photos in your office, of the clients with the cakes you made them and I've seen the ones up front. You are amazing. I mean, I always knew that, but I had no idea you could do what you do. It's incredible."
His voice sounded so sincere. I couldn't stop from turning around, hands still covered in bubbles and dripping, to face him. "Thank you," I said quietly. He smiled and we stared at each other for a minute before I forced myself to turn away. I couldn't get lost in those damn green eyes or his perfect jaw or that Goddamn hair. That Goddamn hair always got me into trouble.
For a long time, neither of us said anything else. The only sound came from the radio or the splashing of water as I scrubbed my cake pans. After several minutes, I heard his footstep coming towards me. I could feel his presence drawing ever closer as I continued to scrub. I scrubbed so hard I feared I might scrub right through the pan but I refused to turn around. If I did he would see the effect he had on me. He would have the upper hand and I would be lost.
The song changed from some upbeat pop song to one with a heavy, seductive beat and I felt Edward standing just behind me. My breath caught in my throat as I continued to scrub, trying to pretend I couldn't feel the electricity thrumming between us. He placed his hands on my hips and stepped even closer as his lips brushed against my ear.
My mind was screaming for me to walk away as my traitorous body leaned against him, my head falling back against his chest. God, he feels good. Neither of us spoke a word, just moved together slowly in time to the music. My heart was beating so hard I thought for sure it was audible even over the sound of the radio. Edward's breath against my neck continued to send waves of desire through me like nothing I'd felt in the last nine years, save for one infamous night. My brain continued to fight my heart and body for dominance, reminding me how much fire I was playing with, but I couldn't pull my body away from the warmth of Edward's.
It took the pan I'd been scrubbing for the last five minutes slipping from my fingers and splashing me with soapy water to snap me back in to reality. I placed my hands on top of his and pushed them away from my hips as I turned to face him.
"I can't, Edward. I can't do this."
"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," he said quietly, shaking his head as he stepped away.
"Neither was I, obviously," I joked but Edward's eyes didn't rise to meet mine, making me feel like an ass. "Look, it's not that it didn't feel nice because it does, but I just can't. I'm too afraid of what happens after, um, all that. I'm so fucking afraid because I can't stop myself around you. I can't stop myself because it feels so damn good but then you leave and it hurts. God it hurts so bad and I don't think I'd survive it again and I have to survive. I have a child, a business, a life. I can't afford to turn into a crazy, lovesick, catatonic mess again when you leave."
"Where am I going, Bella?"
"I don't know, but I know you'll go and until I know you won't, I can't be doing this," I motioned to the space between us, "with you."
"Bella," he cried, the sound coming out as strangled gasp. "Please don't cut me out. I'll behave. We don't need to do this," he motioned between us just as I had. "I just want to know you again. Just let me know you. Please don't push me away."
"I don't want to push you away, but I can't be close to you either."
"Because you can't trust me," he stated sadly. It wasn't a question.
"I wish I could," I whispered.
"Then let me earn it back, Bella." He stepped forward and reached for my hand but I recoiled, unable to trust myself enough to touch him again. He quickly pulled his hand back as though he'd been burned and took several steps back. "I fucked up. I know I did. Let me show you that I'm sorry, that I won't do anything so immensely stupid ever again. I want to show you that I have learned from my mistakes. Let me show you that you can trust me, but I can't do that if you shut me out. Please, I just want to be your friend. That's all I want."
"I don't know how to do that."
"I shouldn't have come here. I've been pushing you. You keep telling me you need time and I keep popping up. I'm sorry," he said, his head dropping.
I could feel his pain as strongly as my own and my heart ached. "Part of me likes you popping up," I finally admitted. "It makes me believe like maybe you still care."
"I do still care."
"But the cautious part of me is blaring the alarms, holding me back, keeping me from giving into that other part and I just don't know what to do. Which part of me do I listen to?"
Edward brought his hands to his hair pulling at the ends the way he always did when he was stressed. "What if we just stick to email for now? I'd just like to get to know this new you."
"I'm the same old me."
"No," he said firmly, shaking his head. "No, I knew an eighteen year old girl who was an innocent high school senior and loved classic literature. A girl who told off bullies and spent hours at the gym just to support a friend. A girl who loved without fear."
"And that was her downfall," I said with a sharp laugh.
"Maybe. But, maybe she just fell in love with a stupid boy who was so afraid of hurting the girl he loved, that he pushed away the best thing he ever had. Yeah, I know that girl but I don't know the gorgeous woman she grew into, the mother who so clearly lives for her child, or the businesswoman who created something amazing on her own. I want to get to know her and I want you to get to know me. I'm not an idiot teenager anymore or even an idiot twenty-three year old who thinks he knows best for everyone. I am a twenty-eight year old man who has only ever loved one woman and who has seen what life is like without her. I want you to get to know the man who would rather be your friend than nothing at all. So, will you get to know me? Will you let me get to know you?"
There was a lump in my throat the size of Texas and I couldn't even swallow let alone talk and so I nodded, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall. "Ok," I finally managed to croak.
"Ok?" He sounded thoroughly surprised by my agreement.
"Ok," I reiterated, nodding. "Let's get to know each other. Through email for now," I added. "It's obvious that we have trouble staying 'friendly' in person and the email thing seems to be working alright."
Edward smiled broadly, like a kid whose parents just told him he could have a puppy and I couldn't help but laugh. "I do have some ground rules," I added quickly.
"Ok," he said hesitantly.
"I can't be on the computer going back and forth with you all day," I said, earning myself a laugh from him. "I actually have shit to do around here and I can't have you cluttering up my work email. So, I will give you my personal email and we can stick to that. No constant emailing all day!" I insisted. "My job does not include me sitting at a desk all day like some people."
"I don't sit at a desk all day!" I raised my eyebrow in question and he chuckled. "I don't!" he insisted. "Not all day, anyways."
"Anyway, I will reply to any emails after work or on my lunch breaks and that is it. At work, I need to work. It's still summer and that means wedding season and I'm busy. Too busy to chat with you all day."
"What about IM?" he asked "Or text?"
"What? No. I just told you I can't chat with you all day."
"No," he laughed, "after work. How do you feel about texting or IM'ing after work sometimes? When you're not busy, of course."
"Oh." I felt silly but he smiled at me, putting me at ease. "Uh, I don't know about texting. I have a kid to take care of. I can't sit around like some teenager attached to her phone. I just need some boundaries here. I guess IM'ing would ok since I can control when I sign on, but I'm not online much at home, just a few minutes here or there but sure, if I'm online you can go ahead and IM me."
I walked past him towards my office and hunted down a spare piece of paper. I quickly scribbled my email address on it and thrust it towards Edward. "Here you go."
He folded the paper and slipped it into his pocket carefully. "Thanks, beautiful."
"No! Stop it! No pet names or anything like that. We're friends, just friends."
"Friends can't call each other beautiful?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
I shook my head vigorously. "Nope. You and I can't, that's for damn sure. That's blurring the line."
"Alright then. Email or IM only and only during non-business hours. No pet names. Anything else?"
"I'm sure I'll think of something." I said with a smile. He smiled in return and for that moment in time, I actually believed that maybe everything was going to be ok. "Now, I have a few more things to do before I can go home so…"
"I can wait," Edward insisted but I shook my head.
"No, I need to think a bit. Clear my head, you know? Dishwashing is good for head clearing."
"Bella, it's late."
"And I only live upstairs. I'll be ok. I stay late all the time. I'll be ok," I repeated.
"But…," he began, but I cut him off.
"No 'buts', I'm a grown up and I'm fine here. I'll lock the door after you leave. I just need a few minutes."
He hesitated for several seconds but finally relented, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Alright, I'm going as long as you text me when you get home. You have my number, right? Just let me know you got home, that's all."
I nodded and followed him to the front door. He stalled for a second until I promised, yet again, that I would lock the door as soon as he left and would text him when I made it home. Once he was out the door I headed back to my sink full of dishes though now I needed to empty the tepid water and refill the sink with hot water.
Without the distraction of Edward standing right behind me, I was able to make quick work of the dishes. I considered all the things Edward had said to me just minutes before. Everything he'd said to me, all of his actions over the last few weeks told me that he genuinely cared for me and I wanted to believe it. Oh, how desperately I wanted to believe that it was true but my fear kept holding me back. Maybe this email correspondence would be a good thing. It would give me the opportunity to really get to know the person he'd become in the last nine years without his eyes, or his jaw or that Goddamn hair setting my hormones a twitter and blinding me to reality.
When the dishes were done and left out to dry overnight, I finished up a few emails I'd been neglecting all day while I'd been bantering back and forth with Edward. Within a half hour of his leaving, I was turning off lights and setting alarms as I made my way for the door. As I stepped out onto the sidewalk and put my key into the lock, I could feel him. I looked over my shoulder and, of course, there was nothing but a quiet street and the ever present Seattle drizzle but Edward was nowhere to be found. Yet, I could still feel him out there, waiting. Surprisingly, the thought made me smile.
I locked up quickly and headed around the corner to the stairs leading to my house. I took one more look up and down the street and that's when I spotted it. A sleek silver car that just screamed 'Edward' was parked up the street a little ways but close enough to give the driver a perfect view of the bakery door and the stairway to my apartment.
It was too dark to see anyone sitting in the car but I could sense him. I knew it was him out there, waiting to make sure that I made it home safely. I gave the car a little wave before ascending the staircase to my front door. Once inside I pulled my phone from my pocket and tapped quickly at the screen.
I'm safe inside now. Doors locked and everything. You can go home now.
I hit 'send' quickly but realized that I'd sent it too soon. It was missing something. Something important, and I quickly sent one more message.
Thank you.
So it's a tentative step in the right direction. Are we sensing any hope for these two yet?
I'm sorry if the formatting for this chapter is a bit wonky. I'm passing the blame on this one to FF. It looks fine when I save it in the doc manager but when I check the actual chapter it's gone all funky again and I'm not sure what else to do. I just hope it's still easy to follow.