After sneaking into the kitchen and making a cup of nice, warm tea in a teapot, the two of you eventually found yourselves in a library room, teacups and teapot in hand as you both situated yourselves into the plush seats. Only instead of slumping down into a chair, you sat right next to Undertaker on the couch, the two of you leaning against the armrests as you sipped hot tea and stared off into the distance, deep in thought.
You sighed, tiredly to yourself. Not only did Claudia shoo you away, but so did the Undertaker… You bet it's because Vincent was there, too, which only makes you a bit worried over what they overheard.
Just… what did Undertaker hear to make him so quiet?
Your eyes eventually began to look at him, staring at him critically as you thought over Claudia's words. About your human life… your future. About… Undertaker.
You've known, for a while, that he's probably that soulmate you've been longing for, for far too long. Someone that could fully, truly understand you. To complete who you are. What you are… at least not be judgmental. Find no real faults in you. Sure, such a person may not exist, but as a child you wanted that type of being. Longed for someone to relate to. You could… never truly share everything with another individual. There's always something you're keeping hidden because you didn't want to deal with their reactions. The consequences.
But… with Undertaker, it never was that way.
You don't know why, but you feel you can tell him anything and he won't think twice about it. He won't toss you to the curb, if you're being honest… and… you like that. You've grown tired of a lot of things, but being truthful and honest… you just… want to be that kind, sweet, honest person everyone else can be.
Instead, you're a Phantomhive. Born to live in the shadows, feel the full extent of the world's evils and utter darkness… it's… soul crushing and… you're tired.
You just want someone that can relate to you, and…
It's a question… if you can put up with the fact that he won't fully love you as you… or if you'll toss aside any hope for a romantic relationship with the guy, and instead try to find someone else that could love you. After all… that's what you had been doing, right?
Drifting from one being to the next, without any real set goals. Only to find someone you could tolerate… that's how it is, these days. Tolerate. You tolerate the individual, even if you dislike certain things they do and say. At least you can put up with them…
You didn't realize you were crying until you felt a hand upon your face, brushing a tear away as he gave you a sad smile in return. You couldn't stop your sniffling, your eyes glancing at his long black nails, and before he could return comfortably to his spot on the couch, you caught his hand, keeping it close to your person as you sighed, tiredly, as you felt more and more… distort.
Eventually, without uttering a word, his arms scooped you up, setting your cup aside as he leaned backward into the armrest, taking your body with him. You let out a surprised 'oof', blinking in confusion over what just happened, until you could feel the beating of his heart beat, his lungs expanding and contracting as he breathed, heavily, against his ribcage. You sighed, leaning into his chest and moving just slightly so you'd feel more comfortable, your hands wandering to slump upon his broad chest.
This felt… natural. Real. Perfect…
So… why are you starting to cry, again?
"So… no wonder you didn't like to be called lady, all the time," you heard Undertaker say, perhaps in an attempt to ease the tense situation.
But all you could do is sigh helplessly in defeat. "… I'm… sorry –"
"Whatever for? I was the one who was spying… but, I couldn't possibly put an end to such a compelling conversation," he stated, a meek smile appearing on your lips until you sighed, once again, closing your eyes tightly as he continued. "… Then dear Claudia knows about you too… huh."
"We're one in the same, Undertaker. Two different side of the same coin… which sucks, if I'm going to be perfectly honest. Why do you think I keep saying that I'm tired? It's not a joke," you scoffed, but your hands gripped at his outer robes in a vain attempt to keep him close. Why? Well… maybe it's because…
You really do like him.
Even if you don't want to admit that.
"… You want some honestly?" you decided to say, and you could feel the man shifting, just slightly, before you continued. "… There are nights I cannot sleep… because I keep thinking about my own death. That I want to die, so, so much… Sometimes it scares me and other times it's just a dull, numbing feeling of familiarity… but the closer I am to you, the less those day terrors seep into my mind. Then again, I've always had that problem… Wanting to… die," you stated, before you wiped away few stray tears, sniffling as you did.
"I'm glad I can bring you some sort of comfort," he stated, but he glanced down as you began to shift against him, first you shifted away, rubbing at your tear stained face, and then you put your hands upon your knees so you were sitting up, staring at him with tired, defeated eyes.
"I think the worst nightmares I have, against anything demonic or anything stress related, or even seeing my friends and family die over and over again in a perpetual loop… would have to be seeing my deaths over and over, and over again," you decided to say, a sad smile on your face as you let yourself speak. Regardless if you should say a word or not. It was… freeing, to admit this.
Even if it means he's critically judging you, right now, it doesn't matter.
You just… need confirmation that someone cares enough to listen to your ranting.
"I see… Claudia dying… over and over again, and I see… many other lives, dying… over and over again. None of them are me, but… what deterred me from becoming like my mum was those faint memories, reminding me exactly what happens to those who fight and fight and fight… but to bring those exact same tormented souls back to the living? That's just… terrible," you sighed, tightly closing your eyes in an attempt to forget.
But it did the exact opposite, as you felt your own physical body in pain, bleeding out in its own pool of blood. As…
The eyes of Death watched, lingering, as you suffered in pain.
Just… watching…
And that hurts so, so much.
"… July 13th, 11:27, before midnight… the death day of Claudia, but also the exact time and day of my own birth," you decided to say, opening your eyes to look at Undertaker, with a sad smile lingering on your tired face. "Every single time it's my birthday, I cannot sleep. It's as if I'm waiting for that exact moment when Death comes for me… I know you miss her, but… I'm sorry. She's not coming back, no matter how much you try," you told him, letting out a tired sigh as you gripped your pant legs tightly, trying to stop yourself from crying.
But, you began to tear up again.
It just… all hurts. The physical pains you've endured in this body of yours, and the mental trauma that has kept you from experiencing the joy of living. Regardless if those old wounds having disappeared over time, after being thrown back in time… it doesn't matter. It's still there.
The feeling of demonic claws ripping into your flesh. Clawing at your very soul. Damaging exactly what makes you, you. Predatory gazes, and your painful loss of innocence. The realization that you're just a small little bug, in the grand scheme of things. That the universe could do without you…
Yet you linger.
Your soul lingers… and why?
Even you don't know.
It lingers longer then a soul should. Even souls that get reused, they do not stay for as long as your own soul has. Centuries… thousands of years… just, why?
You always wondered that, when you first realized a soul could do such a thing… No wonder you're so tired, and you always stated that you feel like an old, crappy soul that just wanted a long nap. Well, you do. You do need a nap.
It's just never come… and will it? Now? You don't even know, but you're scared.
Scared that… you'll die and some unfortunate child will end up in the same state as you. Forced to confront the unknown, forced to be torn apart, forced to endure… everything painful… suffering.
But you flinched, your eyes opening wide and confused as you suddenly felt a gentle kiss upon your forehead, as a stray hand wiped some of your tears away. "It's okay, Clara. Breathe. You need to stay with me."
"I-I, a-ah… hold me," you sniffled, slumping forward and letting the man cradle you tightly in his arms. You hate how weak and feeble you're being, but… you cannot help yourself.
It's like this every single birthday. Every single July 13th. Heck, if you don't let this out now, you'll spend a few more weeks afterward in emotional pain… Your soul, in pain. It's just… too much to bear. You can blame it on your own asthma, but it's best… to just…
Let this out now.
Even if it's physically draining.
Slowly, eventually, you slipped out of his grasp, again, your hand reaching into your pockets to pull out an inhaler. He watched you with a sad smile as you quickly took your medicine, the thought of hyperventilating and falling unconscious because you're being overly emotional was an irritating thought.
But once that was over, and you sighed deeply to yourself, you couldn't help but stare at your inhaler, with the plastic capsule having a little skull on the side. "… You know, if someone who didn't know what this was saw this inhaler… I bet they'd think I'm inhaling poison."
"Very true," you saw Undertaker smirk, causing you to smile meekly, but he gently grasped your hands, taking the inhaler from you, capping it, before placing it back into your hands, which you put back into your pocket. "… Have you run out of those?"
"I have one more. I'll be fine for a while," you told him with a weak smile, but he sighed to himself, scratching the back of his neck while you smiled meekly at his actions. "… I know you probably don't want to talk about this, but… I'm tired of thinking of dying and shit like that," you began, watching as his gaze fell upon you as you continued weakly, your lungs still out of breath, but you needed to talk about this.
You want to know, no matter how painful the truth will hurt you.
"If you overheard everything… you need to tell me exactly what you think when… Claudia and I started to talk about you, Undertaker," you decided to say, gathering your courage to look the man straight in the eyes. Even if you cannot see his bright reaper gaze. You know that direct eye contact is a way to get most of the answers. Most of the truth… or at the very least, you'll know if he's nervous to answer you, or not.
You watched as he gave you a cautious, unsure look, his bright green shinigami gaze staring right into your soul, your being… only for the man to sigh in a frustrated tone of voice. His arm absentmindedly began to wrap around your slimmed figure, as he tugged you closer to his body. "… I know Claudia is not coming back… I made my peace with her death. I've accepted it… Besides, knowing her, if I ever tried to attempt to bring her back, she'd start beating me up," he chuckled dryly, but you simply smirked in reply.
"Yes, she would. So would I, for that matter," you decided to say, causing him to chuckle once more, but there was no real humor in his tone of voice. Any real laughter. It was a noise for the sake of loosening the tension… even though, you could tell, he didn't want to say anything.
But was forced to, considering the circumstances.
"Of course," he smirked, before his smile faded and he seemed to look thoughtful about something, something he was thinking deeply about. "… What… do you want, dear Clara?" he asked, though there didn't seem to be any humor in his tone, or even any happiness.
Only nervousness, which caused you to sigh deeply as you gave him an unsure smile, in return. "Honestly?... I… have no idea," you scoffed, sitting up once again, though you let the man keep his arm around your body, though his grasp was loosened, as you continued, "but… I get that you reapers take too much time, compared to a mortal human… If I think about waiting, it may be years before something actually happens, between us," you decided to say, thinking to yourself before you turned back to the Undertaker, "but if anything, I dearly want to keep you around. I want to be here, with you, if I'm going to be perfectly honest. I know it's weird, but I'm saying the truth.
"I-I… like you," you smiled meekly, biting down on your bottom lip to stop yourself from tearing up, and when the wave of emotions faded away into a dull ache, you sighed and continued. "However, there's… still a lot on my mind, right now."
"… Whose Rosalyn?" you heard him ask, causing you to smirk lightly in reply.
"Rosalyn Blodthorne, or Rosie for short. Out of everyone I've been with, she's the only one still around… but, obviously, we're not together anymore," you scoffed to yourself, but noticing he didn't seem convinced, you decided to elaborate. "She told Michael that I wanted to stay human, even though I never made that decision. That I didn't want to be with them. That I didn't care… I-I… care, and I know why she did what she's done. If I have this second chance to be human I should take it, right? A-and what's the point of preparing for an apocalypse, if I'm not going to be alive to participate if the universe goes to shit?...
"Just… it was an indirect way to say that we need to split up. That we should move on… I-I… I did, do… love her… but," you sighed, closing your eyelids tightly, holding back the tears that wanted to resurface, again, "I j-just… spent so much wasted time. I mean, what we had together, I enjoyed it. I would never want to forget it, but… s-she… let me go.
"And that's what hurts, okay?... Besides," you sighed deeply to yourself, reaching for your eyes and rubbing your sore, tired puffy eyes as you tried to stop yourself from crying, again, "out of everything I've done in my lifetime, so far… I think I've always enjoyed being a funeral director's assistant. Living with the dead, like this. It's just… so peaceful… that I don't want to let that go. It doesn't mean I care about the kids or the reapers that ended up back in time, like me. It's just… I-I… I just wish this could be different," you sighed once more, only to feel arms wrapping around your body, tugging you onto Undertaker's lap. You couldn't help but give him a sad, but unsure look, and he smiled lightly as he brushed some stray sweaty hairs away from your face, rearranging your messy hair as he gave you a thoughtful look, in return. "… W-what? Please say something."
"You're just… a kind soul. I feel bad about… well," he chuckled dryly to himself, his sentence dying away as he stared at you, deep in his own thoughts, and slowly you began to pout at him in response, wishing he'd just tell you what exactly he was feeling. What he was thinking.
So you could just have a damn answer, already!
"… You know, demons say the same thing," you decided to say, trying to get some sort of reaction out of him, but when you noticed his solemn expression turning sour and irritated, you smirked triumphantly to yourself, before sighing and brushing some hairs away from your face, in an attempt to see him a bit better. "They want to eat me because my soul is too… bright, or something like that. That it'd be a delicious~ meal, even if they corrupt me to my very core. Angels, pah! A similar response. I'm easier to sway towards their righteous side… but I speak the truth, or at least try to. They just follow orders.
"You want to know why I care more about the dead? The grim reapers? Cause… at least there's some truth in Death that Life simply cannot provide… a-and maybe that's why I'm naturally attracted to your kind," you told him, pouting at the thought before sighing roughly to yourself. "… Undertaker, I'm just… going to be honest here.
"I… feel… more for you then I want to admit. Okay? I-I… think I love you. Have a crush on you, at least," you stated, pausing for a moment, and when he didn't respond you continued, "cause… you make me laugh and you seem to listen to me when I talk. Heck, you can calm me down when I'm getting too emotional, a-and you don't seem to hate me when I yell too much. Say too much… I always wanted someone who could make me laugh, make me cry… like my weird humor or simply enjoy my company. I don't have to try hard, with you… and I like that.
"But… then again, if you just cannot like me back… I understand if you cannot. That you just see another Claudia. I-I get that. In fact, if that's the case, I don't want us to get together, then. I don't want you to see me as Claudia c-cause… I'm not her, and it'd just hurt more if you're just with me because you see Claudia, in me. Not… me," you told him, wiping a stray tear before sighing and glancing up at him, staring directly into his eyes as you continued. "But, if there's any reason you need to hesitate… then… I need to move on, Undertaker. I can't keep having these feelings for you, but nothing happens.
"I'm twenty, now. I didn't think I'd survive this long… Either I need to move on and find someone else or I just should give up on finding love," you decided to say, letting out a light scoff as you began to look away from him. "Cause what kept me going was my own determination and love to those reaper kids. And my friends. And that I cared, about them… so… y-yeah… Can you say something, please?" you asked, unable to stand the fact that you've been talking, all this time, spilling your guts out for him.
Only for this man to stay silent, like this.
You, just…
You're so frustrated that you wanted to scream!
And you're so tired and sad that you wanted to weep.
But before you could lose it…
You flinched as you felt long nails pressing into the side of your face, along the crook of your neckline, tilting your head up to meet the man's warm, thin lips. You paused, blinking, unsure what you should do about this, before your eyes flickered close and you simply let it happen, letting the tears start to trickle out from your closed eyelids as you leaned upward to meet his tender kiss.
Slowly, you wrapped your arms around his neck, your hand pressing into the back of his head as you leaned in closer, while you could feel his own arms hesitantly wrap around you, before he moved you closer, causing you to sit right onto his lap, straddling him on top of the couch.
By the time you both finally moved away you were panting, even though you hadn't been doing much to begin with, but you cursed yourself for the blush that had crept up upon your cheeks, only to chuckle sadly as you felt his fingers brushing away your stray tears. "… I'm a mess."
"So am I~" he responded in his own teasing tone, only to pause and give you a slight frown. "… Do you really like me, though? Love me, like that?... I don't want to take away your ability to find true love with another, but then again… the thought of losing you, to another, wounds me."
"I told you how I feel. Just… I want to have, well… the truth. I don't want to wait for an answer, Undertaker," you told him, but you instinctively leaned away as his head leaned closer to your own, causing your cheeks to blush just a little bit more, and he smirked wildly in reply.
Only to quickly kiss the top of your nose, causing you to look at him confused and irritated, as he snickered to himself. "If I say yes, what would that mean about us?" he asked, simply, but you shrugged your shoulders in reply, rubbing your nose at the weirdness left on the top of your nose.
"Does it matter?"
"I see~~" he thought, aloud, and he smirked as your breath hitched, your eyes looking at him widely and uneasy. And while your reaction was amusing him, he could tell you were close to tears, again, and you looked at him a bit confused as he pressed his forehead against your own, closing his eyes and sighing sadly to himself. "… Yes."
"… Yes?" you responded, and he chuckled lightly at your unsure tone.
"Yes, I love you, as well… But," he continued, opening his eyes and leaning away from you, his hand reaching up to brush through your messy strands of hair as he sighed tiredly to himself, "I understand humans will not live, for long. Even if you're a bit different to the average human… you're still mortal."
"That I am," you told him, and he nodded his head, slowly, before sighing once more.
"So… I wish to court you, my lady Clara," he continued, pausing for a moment to notice the confusion on your face, and he snickered to himself. "Whatever the equivalent is to, not quite a fiancée, but we say that we are together."
"… Dating?" you responded in a confused tone, only to huff at the giggling he was giving you in return. "What? I know you guys kind of explained the idea of courtship or whatever, but right? Dating? You want to go out on dates and stuff?"
"I suppose so~" he grinned, but as he noticed your pout, he patted the top of your head before sighing to himself. "I know you are learning quite a lot, my dear… but, if I am to agree, I do wish you wouldn't have eyes for others, while I'm around."
"I could say the same to you," you scoffed, only to pause, suddenly grabbing one of his stray hands, and you pressed his palm up against your chest, above your breasts, and you could tell you were making him nervous, but you continued with a serious tone on your lips, and a stern gaze in your eyes. "If I agree, we need to start telling people that we're going out. That we're dating, or courting, or whatever… and I expect that you don't wander and look around at other beings, either. No matter how tempting they could be. No prostitutes. No males. Just me.
"And I get if that's hard, for some to do. But if I say yes, I want us to be exclusive. Just you and me… and I'd personally like it if we did… what, courting, at least once a week? I mean, I don't care when, but let's at least make time for that, okay?" you decided to say, waiting for a response.
You know your bluntness has put people off, before. Heck, you've confessed to being attracted, before, but after your little ranting speech they tend to leave. Not bother with the 'formalities' and only wanted you as a one night stand or a fleeting fling.
But… as he smiled lightly to himself, his eyes staring down at his hand upon your chest as you held his hand there, he looked back into your serious gaze, only to give you a light smile. "I promise, my lady love, Clara Phantomhive, that I will not have eyes for anyone else, except for you, from this moment onward. Love me, and I will love you in return… and yes, once a week sounds lovely," he finished with a light chuckle, and at his light hearted humor you sighed, letting go of his hand as you let your hands fall unceremoniously onto your lap.
"G-good… and, don't call me Phantomhive, 'kay? Just Graves. Besides, I always preferred Graves over being a Phantomhive. Less pressure, you know?" you told him, but he snickered underneath his breath.
"Whatever you wish, my love~" he spoke, his lips suddenly breathing against your ear, and you grasped, your eyes wide and your face redder then you wanted them to be, but then you huffed, nudging him playfully as he leaned away and snickered at your reaction.
"… Now what?" you decided to ask, realizing the awkward position you were currently in, sitting on the man's lap like this. Heck, in this Victorian era, this was probably scandalous! Not that you don't like physical contact. In fact, the closer you are, the happier you tend to be. And geeze, you know the man is like that, too. He doesn't seem to mind when you get a bit too close for comfort.
"Well~… what do you wish to do, my dear?" he asked, and you gave him an unsure look before you gently grasped his hands, his gaze watching you curiously, as you looked at his long, bony hands and you sighed tiredly to yourself.
"… This is going to be even weirder, I bet, but come with me," you decided to say, suddenly stepping onto the ground and standing above him, tugging on his arms until he stood, while giving you a curious gaze in return. You couldn't stop your blush from creeping high upon your face, but… you don't care.
And besides… as long as he doesn't do anything weird… you may just like this.
And you'd know what he means by 'courtship' and such. Just, what does he expect to get out of you?
! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !
A/N: I do need to admit, writing this particular arc has been a lot of fun. A lot more character development… and I don't have to use my brainpower too much. Plus, looking into various things in Victorian English society has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
Romance! Whoop!
Oh, and before we continue, I did ask if you guys wanted to have lemons in this story… or just romantic gestures, that sort of stuff. Well, I only got one response to that question, and I did put a poll up on my main page, if anyone is interested. But, no, sorry smut fans. The next chapter doesn't involve any sex. Considering I asked that question as I was writing these chapters, I decided to not put that sort of stuff in, yet.
But I think I will. Later.
Past Chapter 40. That's how much I've written, right now. Maybe even the 40th chapter? I don't know~. Haven't decided, yet, if/when it'll happen.
But it'll happen. I just have to be in the mood to write that sort of stuff. That's the ultimate problem. ^_^