Disclaimer: Ms. Meyer owns all.
Thank you klarsen18...you really talked me off the ledge on this one! And thx to those of you who leave me reviews and those who pimp me on twilight fanfic sights. What an honor!
A note for those who dig the details...
Just so you know (if you care)...I have been vague-ish about the setting in this story. You know it takes place in a mid size West Texas town, that is dry and somewhat barren except for certain neighborhoods...which makes Edward and Bella's Tree special. I didn't want to get specific about much else setting wise, b/c for me, my story is way more about the characters then the setting. If you're interested, the city they live in is loosely based on Lubbock, TX, where I grew up. One of my readers, talipatra, recognized this b/c she went to college in Lubbock...that was a fun connection. Similarly, in this chapter, a fictional medical school called University Health Science Center is mentioned...which is loosely based on Texas Tech Health Sciences Center in Lubbock. You may or may not care about these kind of details, but I wanted to clarify why I wrote it as I did.
Also, I have heard at least one reader say the passage of time in Our Tree has been confusing for her. What I would say to that, besides I am sorry for any confusion, is that the most important thing about the timeline, is the arc of it...the ebb and flow, ups and downs, of E and B's relationship. Some FF stories are deliciously detailed...using 30+ chapters to describe the events in one week or even one day. My story covers a very wide expanse of time...basically (an over) 20 year love story. Each chapter is snapshot of a pivotal, defining, or iconic moment in the story of Edward and Bella. Thus obviously, much is left unsaid, but hopefully what's important to understanding their story has been included.
This chapter takes place in 1997. E will be starting medical school soon. Alice is well into her pregnancy.
You'll finally get to see exactly what breaks our couple up... by the way, I enjoyed your many suppositions about their demise: infidelity, some even thought Edward was Alice's baby daddy...oh the horror!
Chapter 25: When He Was Mine (1997)
"He is so judgy!" Alice huffed, with her arms tightly crossed on top of her baby bump.
"Who is so judgy?" I inquired, as I pulled my truck out of the parking lot of the medical complex.
"Who else, Bella? That Dr. Hale person." I got a classic Alice eye roll.
"And you came to this conclusion after seeing him for a grand total of five minutes?"
"It was all over his face. That…that self-righteous, holier than thou, look at this poor unwed mother look."
"You picked up on all that today?"
"Absolutely."
"I think you're making some pretty big assumptions," I added carefully.
"Wh-hh-yyy couldn't things just stay like they were? I love Dr. Garcia. He gets me. It was perfect!" She flapped her arms wildly, punctuating each point.
Alice had started seeing Dr. Garcia, a high-risk pregnancy specialist, when preeclampsia hit in her fifth month.
"I didn't know you felt so strongly about Dr. Garcia," I said, slightly amused by her tirade.
"I did." Alice cut her eyes sideways and looked at me sharply. "And now, that judgy Dr. Hale has to come in and mess everything up!"
I considered this Dr. Hale, who we'd just met. Quiet and genteel, classically handsome, with kind blue eyes, blonde hair which came to his chin—that he tucked behind his ears, and a long lean stature. He spoke with a drawl—different from ours-which led me to guess he was from east Texas somewhere. Of all the things I could call this man, based on our very short introduction to him, judgy would not be one of them.
"Personally, I thought he was nice. He's like the perfect southern gentleman," I admitted. "He sort of, oh I don't know, calmed the room."
"He so did not," Alice declared adamantly. She turned her head and sulked out the window.
"Well, aren't you in quite a tizzy over him."
"It is not a tizzy!"
"Oh, yes it is."
"I am ticked, Bella. Just because Dr. Hale wants to do his fellowship under Dr. Garica doesn't mean he has the right to force himself into my care."
"You are so in a tizzy."
"Because I have to see Dr. Judgmental every week until these babies come out!"
"I'm kind of surprised here."
"Why?" She questioned me impatiently, with her eyebrows raised high.
"I figured you'd have a crush on him. He's beautiful, a little mysterious. Plus, he's older than us. That's sort of like the perfect storm for you."
Her face became red and the veins in her neck bulged. She opened her mouth to speak and nothing came forth. Opening her mouth again, she made an exasperated sound that fell somewhere between ugh and argh. Then she ran her hands through her hair frantically, borrowing a move from the Edward Masen book of gestures.
"Just relax, Alice," I chided her. "Getting all spun up isn't good for you or the babies."
"Whatever," she said, with a frown.
Alice acted petulant, but I saw her chest rise and fall slowly. She was indeed calming herself down, because she did indeed care deeply about the two babies girls who lived inside her.
Since her big revelation to me in our peach bathroom months prior, Alice Brandon had done a monumental gut check. With much trepidation, she decided to keep her—what she thought at the time was one—baby. She wasn't sure if she would raise this baby, but she knew she wanted to have it. She made the decision completely on her own. Quite frankly, she utterly shocked me, but I couldn't have been more proud of her. It was by far the most unselfish thing I'd ever seen Alice do.
Once she made the choice the keep her baby, she gave her self over to it completely. This wasn't quite as much of a surprise to me because she was known to jump on bandwagons. Over the years I'd seen her become completely obsessed with all things theater, step aerobics instruction, eating vegan, selling Mary Kay, the young democrats club, and massage therapy classes, among many others. All of these were nothing but whims, when it was all said and done, and that was my biggest worry when it came to these babies.
Nevertheless, I supported my friend the best I knew how. Together, we got her on prenatal vitamins, found her an obstetrician, told her parents—who took it about as well as we'd predicted, and stocked the fridge with healthy foods. She threw away her last pack of cigarettes and we moved her favorite bottles of wine and Zima to storage. All of this was done to the soundtrack of Alice's sniffles and tears, her way of grieving the end of a way of life she'd come to know and love.
She took to the drastic changes surprisingly well, armed with what had become her pregnancy mantra, It is what it is. Alice had her moments for sure…fits of this is not fair, crying jags where she felt suffocated and boxed in, but for the most part, she handled it. As she trudged forward, there was almost a chip on her dainty shoulder as if she was daring someone, anyone, to say she couldn't hack it.
Alice carried herself resolutely, as if she had been called to it. And her calling only became more certain the day she got to see the fetal heartbeat, or heartbeats as it turned out be. Huge tears plopped out of her wide dark eyes that were fixed on the monitor. Her mouth was open in a wide smile and she appeared to be absolutely entranced, as if she was beholding some kind of mythical creature.
I had expected her to fall apart when the doctor confirmed there were two heartbeats—two babies, but my Alice didn't. She'd slowly nodded her head, as the tears kept coming, and she'd looked over at me.
She took a measured breath, swallowed deep and spoke in an even voice, "Looks like I'm having twins, Bella."
"Sure does, Al. You okay?"
"I think I am," she answered, still in that even voice. Her eyes were unyielding yet clearly fearful. "It is what it is, right?"
"Indeed it is," I agreed quietly. We grabbed one another's hand and she clutched mine so tightly I winced.
She was scared, and she didn't have a clue how things could possibly work out, but from the day of that sonogram forward, the tiny twin babies within her, owned her heart and soul. For that matter, they owned me too.
As for the father of the twins, Alice thought long and hard about what to do. There was a part of her that wanted whoever it was to suffer the consequences as she was. She felt it would only be fair, for his life to be turned upside down, like hers had been. Yet as she pondered exactly how to find out which guy it was, her desire for justice was outweighed by reality. Could she track down these various men it might be? Could she actually convince them to take paternity tests? Could she pay for paternity tests? And even if the answer to these questions was yes, and she miraculously figured out who the father was, what would she expect from this person anyway?
It became increasingly clear that Alice was to take this journey on her own, with me doing my best to stand the in the gap. Something I was honored, though terrified in my own right, to do.
"All I know, Alice," I chimed in, as we continued to drive home from her appointment, "is that after everything you've been through at the doctors' office, you have had the most emotional, irrational reaction to, of things, a quiet kind hearted doctor. Finding out it was twins, being told you'd have to go on bed rest because of your blood pressure, didn't even get this kind of reaction."
"And?"
"It's just weird, Al. That's all I'm saying." My mouth twitched into a smile, which I immediately stifled. I was having too much fun watching her—the unflappable Alice when it came to the opposite sex—reeling over a man.
"He. Was. Judgy," she declared with finality. She jutted out that jaw, grandly rolled her eyes once more and glared out the window for the rest of the drive.
I sat on pins and needles in the living room, awaiting Edward's arrival. I hadn't laid eyes on him in two months, and a tingly nervous anticipation crawled all over my skin. He was still in the mountains working for Carlisle, finishing a couple of required classes, and stockpiling money, all while awaiting word from the medical schools he'd applied to.
When he finally tapped on my front door, I practically knocked over the coffee table in my quest to answer it. I swung the door open and immediately jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist.
"Hey there, Little Bit," he greeted me in husky, emotional voice. I felt him bury his nose in my hair and inhale deeply.
I didn't answer him back, choosing instead to pepper his face with kisses. When I was done covering every square inch, I pulled away a bit and grabbed his eyes with mine. "I've missed you is all," I whispered through a grin.
"I gathered." His emerald gaze softened as he lowered me to the ground.
Then he leaned in and his lips met mine, where he proceeded to kiss me, as I liked to call it, properly. Or as Edward would say, long and hard.
When we finally came up for air, I grabbed his hand and excitedly pulled him into the house.
"It's looking nice, Bells," he commented, as his eyes scanned the place. "You and Alice have definitely made it yours."
"Thanks. It's home again. There's so much more to do, but I've gotta take it slow. There's obviously other things to take care of right now."
"With you essentially supporting Alice right now, I can't imagine you have any spare time or money for home improvements." Edward's voice had a subtle prickly edge to it that I didn't like. I chose to ignore it, not wanting to get into a familiar disagreement. His stance on the position Alice's pregnancy had put me in, was clear.
Ignoring him, I went on, "We're going to paint the kitchen bright green next weekend, just because it'll look fun. Al wanted to paint it neon green in homage to the 80's, but I put my foot down on that one."
"And where is she?" he inquired, as he squinted his eyes to study the photos dotting our fireplace mantel.
"She's finishing getting dressed in her room. She's heading to your mom's tonight."
"My mom's?"
"Yeah. I wanted you and I to have some alone time, if you know what I mean." I felt my cheeks flushed crimson.
He shot me a lopsided smirk-grin, his eyes immediately smoldering. "I do know what you mean."
As if on cue, Alice strolled into the living room at exactly the wrong time.
Not one to let pregnancy squelch her fashion sense, she wore a long broomstick skirt, and a denim blouse stretched tightly over her swollen belly. She completed her look with a Concho belt sitting impossibly low on her hips, underneath her bump. She looked absolutely trendy; the poster child for 1990's apparel, complete with an ante partum flair.
"Hey Edward." Her voice lacked enthusiasm, but I was just thankful she was being civil.
His eyes were completely entranced on her stomach, wide with surprise. "Wow."
She glanced down to where his eyes remained. "Yes, Edward, I am six months pregnant with twins. Gawk all you want."
"I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared. Hadn't seen you in a couple of months."
"Yep, it grows everyday." She rubbed her belly. "They say there is only 2, but I swear it could be quintuplets."
"You look pretty," he told her sincerely.
This time Alice blushed as her eyes widened in surprise, but she quickly recovered. "Thanks."
"And I like your clothes too," Edward added with a smile.
She smoothed the fabric of her shirt over her stomach. "Just trying to avoid the frumpiness that all preggos fall victim to. Not gonna let it happen."
"I'd expect nothing less."
She blushed again, and with a deep breath turned her attention to her purse sitting on the coffee table. She was clearly flustered by Edward's props.
"So have you heard anything about med school, Edward?" Alice questioned him, no doubt changing the subject, as she dug through her totally unorganized purse. "Bella has been dying to hear about it. She makes me pray with her every night that you'll get into school here."
Strangely, Edward grimaced, in a way that Alice likely didn't notice, but I certainly did.
"That's the plan anyway," he answered her in a weird voice, sounding like he was a bad actor reading a script.
I tried to catch his eye, but he continued to look at Alice.
"Believe it or not," she continued on, oblivious to any weirdness, "I wouldn't mind having you around, either. Once the twins arrive, having my own on-call doctor would rock."
He smiled uneasily. "I won't be ready to be anyone's on-call doctor…at least for a few years anyway."
"You're a quick learner, Edward. We'll have you whipped into shape in no time. Well, kids, I'm off. It's Sulley time."
"Sully time?" Edward pointed his question to me.
"Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Your mother and Alice have a thing for one of the characters."
"Your mother and Alice and your girlfriend, she means," Alice added promptly.
Edward faced me with his eyebrows arched high.
"What can I say, Sulley's all rugged and mountainy? What girl wouldn't have a thing for that?"
"What am I then?" he asked in mock frustration, coming toward me.
"You're all that and a bag of chips," I commented fiestly through a smile, as his arms encircled me and pulled me close.
"And now would be the time for my exit." Alice groaned from across the room.
With our arms wrapped around each other, Edward and I both looked her way.
"Have fun tonight, Alice," I said through a sheepish smile.
"I'd say the same to you, but I can see you don't need any encouragement."
With that, as her skirt fanned around her, Alice made a dramatic, albeit, waddling exit-leaving a strong trail of Calvin Klein's Obsession in her wake.
"She really does look good," Edward commented, still looking in the direction of Alice's departure. "She is like all belly."
"I know, she is still itsy bitsy Alice with a gigantic beach ball in front."
"So bed rest?"
"Yep. She's pretty much down, except showers and meals and the occasional jail break-as she calls it."
"That's gotta suck."
"She's taking it surprisingly well. There isn't much she wouldn't do for those babies."
"And you?"
"What?"
"How are you holding up? The less she can do, the more that falls on you."
"I am fine. She's not a bad patient...all bark and no bite. And your mom has been so helpful. Between the 3 of us we're making it."
"You are amazing, Bella, amazing." He looked down at me, his eyes intense and ablaze.
"She'd do the same for me."
Edward cocked his head and pursed his lips, wearing skepticism plainly on his face.
"She would," I demanded unconvincingly.
"Like I said, you're amazing."
He leaned down and brushed my lips with a feathery kiss that just about undid me. Then he plopped down onto my couch and pulled me down with him. His strong arms enveloped me and I let my head relax in my place of all comfort, on the plane of his chest. I breathed him in, as I let my ear get reacquainted with his heartbeat all over again.
"Just think, hopefully you'll be here with us soon, just like Alice said," I giggled, "and she can take advantage of you, along with Esme and me. Alice is equal opportunity in that way."
Edward's body stiffened slightly underneath me for a second or two, before it relaxed again. "She sure is," his low voice rumbled.
"So did you have a good flight?"
"Smooth and easy. I slept through most of it, until the baby on the row over starting pitching a fit."
"That happens to you every time you fly, doesn't it?"
"Sure seems like it."
"I like your stubble." I ran my hand over his scruff, while re-memorizing his jaw line. "It's such a mountainy and granola look."
"Like…what was his name? Tulley?"
"Sulley. His name is Sulley. And yes, your scruff is very Sulley-esque."
"The scruff is really just laziness on my part," he admitted.
"Well, I like it. Only problem with it is the whole chaffing issue." I leaned in and grazed his lips with mine, just to illustrate what I meant. "See. Now I have mild stubble burn."
He ran his fingers over my lips, sending a thousand chills up my spine. "I can't be giving my best girl stubble burn, can I?" He ran his nose up and down the side of my neck, then across my jawbone.
"You'll hear zero complaints from me," I mumbled, delighting in his touch. "But I must say, when you get into school here, which you will, and finally move home for good I'm going to start demanding a regular shaving routine."
He stopped his glorious nuzzling and I felt his entire body tense beneath mine once more. I ignored it the first time, but I couldn't ignore it again.
"What is it?" I asked him, strangely panicked, as I pulled away from his chest so I could look him in the eye.
"What is what?"
"You're acting weird."
"No, I'm not," he laughed, as he tried to pull me back down toward him.
I resisted his pull, and positioned myself next to him on the couch.
"You are too. A minute ago your body went all tense and just now you did it again. And before that, your face did this weird twisty thing when Alice mentioned medical school. I've known you your whole life. If I say you're acting weird, you're acting weird. And you are."
"Overreact much?"
Picking up a throw pillow, I hit him on the shoulder with it. "I'm not overreacting. I just know something's up. And I will sit here and pout until you tell me what is it."
"Do we have to do this now? If I'm being honest, there are other things I'd rather be engaged in right now." He waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, tugging me toward him.
"Yes, we have to do this now." I employed air quotes, standing my ground. "I know something is on your mind. You might as well tell me now, if you ever hope to engage in other things."
"Fine, Bells," he huffed. "I really didn't want to get into this tonight. I've missed the hell out of you and I just want to be with you. Just you and me. But if you insist, which I see that you are, we'll go there."
"Go where exactly?" I felt the panic creeping up again.
"I need to talk to you about something," he told me soberly.
I felt the bile rising in my throat, and my stomach lurching within me. "What's wrong?"
"Relax, babe." He pulled me toward him and plated a kiss on my head. "Look at me."
I cast my frantic gaze his way, and met his eyes with mine. "I just have a feeling of dread all of the sudden. I can't help it. You know how I am," I managed.
"I do know how you are and I love you for it. But please don't get upset. I haven't even told you what I have to tell you yet."
I swallowed hard and blinked a couple of times, steeling myself. "You're right. I'm sorry. Please go on."
I stared at him with fearful expectation.
"So, I got my medical school acceptance letters."
My stomach lurched into my throat. "You didn't get accepted here did you?
Lowering his eyes, he shook his head.
"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry. You did get accepted somewhere, right?"
"I did."
"Well that's good news!" I forced out, while inside I was reeling that he hadn't gotten into the school at University Health Science Center, which was literally five minutes from my house. It was Edward's number one choice of schools, not only because it would bring him back to Esme and me, but also because it was a legitimately good medical school. It was the school I had just assumed he'd get into and attend. This assumption was made because we'd been through hell for so many years living apart. I figured life owed it to us and it was time the story of Edward and Bella caught a break.
He wouldn't look me in the eyes. His gaze was still cast downward, and he was clenching and unclenching his jaw, as he always did in stressful situations.
"Are you…are you embarrassed about it?" I asked him cautiously. "You'd
never need to be embarrassed in front of me. I'm your biggest fan, Edward. Any school that wouldn't pick you is missing out."
"No, Bella, I'm not embarrassed," he whispered, his eyes still riveted to his lap.
"Then why won't you look at me?"
He raked his hair agitatedly, and his lips were tight. Still looking down, still
avoiding my eyes, he spoke quietly. "Bella, I did something really stupid."
"Wh-what did you do?" I squeaked out, as my heart lodged in my throat.
He exhaled loudly and clamped his eyes shut. When he reopened them, they were wrought with fret. "I…I didn't apply at University Health Science."
"What?"
"I said I didn't apply here."
I felt as if I'd been kicked in the gut. My heart raced erratically in my chest, and I felt disconnected from the ground below me. Several seconds passed before I could possess the use of speech. "H-how can this be?"
"I can explain myself." He put his hand on my forearm, but I instinctively shook it off.
"How can there possibly be an explanation? You told me you applied. You told me it was where you wanted to be. You told me our someday was closer than ever."
"Just please give me a chance to explain myself."
"If you think you can explain how you could let me believe something completely untrue for months, go for it, Edward. If you think there is a feasible reason why you would make a huge decision without letting me in on it, explain away," I spat out.
"Bella, please calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down, Edward!" My voice was on the rise.
"You're yelling at me, Bella. Can we please talk about this like adults?"
"An adult wouldn't have done what you did. Not only does this affect me, what about your poor mother? She talks about you coming back home everyday. She is living for it, Edward. What about her?"
He grabbed at his hair and rested his head heavily in his hands. "I didn't apply because of my dad, okay?"
"Wh-what's he got to do with this?"
"He has this friend who is the dean of admissions at UHSC. He wanted to put in a call to, quote, unquote leverage his connection for me. Bella, the thought of that sickened me. Taking anything from my dad. Being connected to him in any way, absolutely sickened me."
"So you tell him not to call his friend."
"I did. He was very insistent about it. Said putting in a good word was the least he could do for his son."
"There are worse things than getting a leg up, Edward."
"Maybe there are, but at the time I couldn't think of much worse."
"How about not being with your girlfriend for three more years?" I hissed, literally in a state of disbelief that this conversation was taking place.
"Bella," he sighed heavily. "The only way I could be sure his influence had nothing to do with my admission was to not apply. It made sense to me at the time. It seemed like the only option."
"I can't believe you are doing to this to me." Hot, angry tears escaped my eyes and ran down my face. "After all we've been through, you go and make a huge decision like this without thinking to consult me."
"It wasn't like I didn't think of you, Bells. The fact is you are out of school now. Nurses are needed everywhere. I knew you could eventually come with me wherever I got in, and I figured you'd be more than happy to."
"You just figured that did you? And I guess you forgot to factor in my pregnant best friend, whose parents have abandoned her?"
"I thought you'd get Alice squared away once she has the twins and then you could come."
"Get her squared away?" I shot back incredulously. "Like it's that simple. Have you any idea what's ahead for Alice. Being pregnant is the easy part compared to caring for newborn twins."
"Isn't that her problem, Bella? Why are you obligated to help her raise those babies?"
"Because she is my friend. Because she needs me. Because I love her. Because I already love those babies."
"What about me? What about us? I need you too."
"I get that, Edward, I do. But this would all feel much different if you hadn't intentionally kept me in the dark. Do you realize I've been hoping against hope for months for something to happen that could never come to be? Something that could never come to be due to a choice you made, because at the time it made sense to you."
"I know I should have talked to you. I just reacted. But you know how it is with my dad. He gets to me like no one else. I'm never clear headed when it comes to the guy."
"Don't you dare put this on him," I insisted harshly.
"What would you have done had I applied here and not gotten in? For the sake of argument, answer me that."
"We would have figured it out," I answered him simply.
"So you admit it's something we can figure out?"
"Hypothetically, yes." I punctuated it with a curt nod of my head.
"I got in to school at Fort Worth, Bella. That's like 5 hours away, which is totally do-able."
"You're right, it is. But that isn't the point, Edward."
"So it's about making a point now?"
"No. It's about you lying to me. It's about your ability to make a monumental decision that affects us both, without thinking to talk to me about it. That's what it's about."
"Come on, Bella, cut me some slack. I made a mistake."
"I don't think I'm being hard on you here. To expect honesty and consideration from my future husband is not out of line. I mean, Edward, you came to town and freaking pretended to have an interview at the medical school. That…that was a calculated, planned out lie. What do I do with that?"
"I was going to tell you the truth that weekend," he recounted feverishly. "I swear I was, and then I got here and you were so happy, and I hadn't seen you happy since your dad died. I couldn't find it in me to break the news to you."
"So you staged a fake interview?"
"I didn't stage anything. I just left the house for a couple of hours."
"And then came home and told me how well it went. You lied to my face! You lied to Esme's face."
He looked down at the ground shamefaced. "I'm not proud of that, Bella. I was in over my head."
"To say the least."
"I should have come clean sooner, and I know that. But look at it this way. I could have just told you that I did apply but didn't get in. I chose to be forthright with you when it was all said and done. That's worth something, isn't it?"
"Well, give the boy a medal," I seethed in a voice dripping in sarcasm.
"I screwed up, okay?" Edward pounded his fist into the coffee table.
I could see on his face that he immediately regretted responding like that. He clamped his eyes shut and his nostrils flared as he took several concerted breaths. Then his face twisted in anguish. He fell to his knees and grabbed my hands firmly. His pleading green gaze could have burned a hole in me.
"I'm an idiot, Bella. I messed everything up. I promise you there isn't anything you could say to me that I haven't already said to myself. Can you please just forgive me here? I don't know what to do."
"I'll always forgive you, Edward. We've done a whole lot of crappy things to each other in twenty-two years, and we always forgive. That's not the problem."
"What is, then?" he asked me wearily.
"I can't trust you."
"Come on, Bella. You don't mean that."
"I think I do," I admitted quietly, as the truth of it pressed down on me. I shut my eyes as the room—and my life—spun out of control.
"You have trusted me our whole lives and you're going to let one lapse in judgment change that?"
"It wasn't just a lapse in judgment, Edward. You chose to mislead me for months on end, and now I can't help how I feel."
"Yes you can. You choose to trust me."
"I wish it were that easy. What you've done…it's big, huge. It changes our whole future. I never really got a say when you moved to Colorado. It was a decision you made and one that, for the most part, I chose to live with. Our future…I was supposed to get a say in that. You owed me that much."
"You're right." He conceded with a slow, tired shrug.
"And when you don't tell me the truth, and you don't involve me in your decisions, what does that say about what I mean to you?"
"It says nothing. You're reading too much into it."
"It says everything, Edward."
His eyes locked onto mine. I felt fresh tears slipping down my cheek. He reached up to wipe them away.
"How do I make this right, Bella?"
Holding his gaze, I simply shook my head.
"How do I make this right?" he asked me again, this time more insistently.
"I'm not sure you can."
"You're being ridiculous. This is you and me we're talking about. We've made it through much worse. This is just something else to get through, and we will." His tone was unyielding.
"You're not hearing me, Edward. You're not seeing how much this has hurt me…how much damage it's done."
"I do hear you, and I do see how hurt you are. I'm sorry, Bells. I'm so sorry. Just tell me how to fix it. I need to know how to fix it."
He laid his head on my lap. My fingers itched to reach for his bronze-brown hair, but I didn't allow it.
"You can't just snap your fingers and fix this one, Edward. You want to put a Band-Aid on it and just move on. You're not seeing the bigger picture."
"Then enlighten me," he muttered wearily.
"Our trust is broken," I whispered once more. "What is a relationship without trust?"
"We have trust," he insisted weakly, looking up at me.
"You may have trust. Which is because I've always been honest with you. About Riley, Jacob, not being able to handle the distance. Even when it killed me to be honest with you, I was, because I know it's the foundation for everything."
"So it's agreed, you're a better person than me," he added flippantly through a deep exhale.
"No, I'm not."
He pushed up from his knees and sat down on the coffee table in front of me. He bent forward, resting his arms on his thighs, and engaged my eyes fiercely with his. "What do you want from me, Bella? Tell me and I'll do it."
"I want to be able to know that someday down the road you won't hide big decisions from me. That if you're not happy about something between us you'll have the guts to tell me about it. That you'll tell me anything, everything, no matter what. And right now, I don't know that."
"This is not happening," Edward mumbed under his breath, as he ran his hands briskly over his face.
"I wish it weren't."
"What now, Bella? You say I can't fix it. So, what do I do?" He tugged at his hair over and over.
"I-I don't know."
"You don't know?" His lips twitched into a wistful smile. "We're together. We love each other. We want to marry each other, and you say you don't know."
"I don't know," I repeated softly, amazed to have found any voice at all.
Edward stared unseeingly ahead of him for half a minute, then he slowly rose from the coffee table. As he side scooted his way out from between the table and sofa, he leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of my head. "Why don't you call me when you do know? Because right now, we're not getting anywhere."
His posture, even his tone told me he was clearly upset, but I doubted he had clued in to just how troubled I was. Nor did he understand how much he had hurt me. That I wasn't just going to get over this one by spending a little time apart.
As he started to walk away, I grabbed his hand firmly, affectively stopping him in his tracks. Our eyes connected for several beats, aggrieved and distraught.
"Why?" I whispered.
"Why what, Bella?"
"Why won't you choose me?" I whispered again.
"Seriously?"
"Why won't you choose me?" I asked him louder, dropping his hand.
"Why won't you choose me, Edward?" My voice escalated out from under me. Finally having gotten to the heart of matter, I went from sad to furious in a blink. The anger felt right. It felt justified.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Edward asked me, bewildered. He looked at me as if I'd just announced I was an alien from another planet.
"It means exactly what it sounds like it means," I snapped, deeply incensed by the entire scenario.
"Bella, you should cool off. We should cool off. Otherwise we'll say things we don't mean."
"Or maybe I'll say exactly what I need to say," I challenged him.
"Fine." He made a production of sitting down beside me on the couch. "Just get it off your chest then."
"Don't patronize me, Edward." My voice was intolerant and flat.
"I'm not. I can just tell you have something to say. I'm asking you to tell me what you need to say."
Exhaling loudly, I gnawed on my bottom lip, fully knowing what I needed to say, but clueless as to how to convey it.
"It's just that it always comes down to the same thing, Edward. Just like two years ago when we broke up the first time. The things you do…the things you don't do make me feel like you're not choosing me. Really choosing me."
"That's ridiculous. I have given myself to you. You own my heart. I am devoted to you. What more can I give you, what more can I do to show you that?"
"You could've called me about medical school. You could have let me be a part of that decision. Even if you were determined not to apply here, you could have warned me. Given me time to mentally plan for something different." I answered him all too quickly.
"I think we've already established I did everything wrong in that situation."
"But it's more than that. Choosing me, choosing us would have meant you couldn't have imagined making that kind of decision without me…that you couldn't have handled lying to me for so long. How did you handle lying to me like that? How did you handle lying to your mother like that! What are you going to tell her?"
"I'll tell her the truth."
"And you'll break her heart like you broke mine. How was it so easy for you to mislead the two women who love you most?"
"You're making it sound like I had some kind of diabolical plan to pull the wool over your eyes. Like I schemed it all."
"Did you?"
"Are you really asking me that?" His jaw was literally slack. "Bella, I think you are very emotional right now, very reactive."
"Maybe I am, but I can't shake this feeling that your actions are telling," I told him determinedly. "You chose that trail over me for years. This time you chose your pride issues over me. What's next? What will come before me next time, Edward?"
"Stop saying that!"
"When will you choose me, Edward? When?" I practically yelled it this time. I felt my heart race, and heard it pound in my ears. I felt my blood rush to the top of my head.
He looked up at the ceiling as he tugged on that crazy hair. When he focused back on me, I expected to see fury in his gaze, yet his eyes were as somber as I'd ever seen them.
He scanned my face slowly, stopping at my eyes. "Bella, if you can't see that I've already chosen you, we have a problem."
I took pause, taking in the gravity of this evident truth. "Yes, Edward, we do."
The room became deathly, eerily silent. He sat rigidly before me. A nervous uneasy tension, unlike any we'd ever shared, buzzed between us. I felt like vomiting, hitting him, and throwing myself at him all at once.
"I don't know how to convince you that I love you. That I have chosen you," he whispered after several seconds. "The fact that you've never really believed that kills me."
He turned to face me, his green eyes plaintive and bright with tears. "It absolutely kills me."
"Believe me, Edward, it kills me too."
"What will it take for you to not question my devotion to you?"
"I want you to choose me."
He shook his head with his eyes firmly set on me. Clearly flustered, he said in a very pointed voice, "I have chosen you, Bella."
"You don't have the right to be frustrated with me, Edward. You dropped a bomb on me today. I'm just trying to be honest with you about how I feel." Then against my better judgment, I added under my breath, "But then again, that may be a foreign concept to you."
"That's a low blow, Bella."
"Your deceit was a low blow too."
Edward, visibly agitated, shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. Anxiety was almost palpably radiating from his body.
"Do you want for us to be honest with each other or not?" I asked him firmly.
"Of course I do."
"Well here's the honest truth, Edward. How do I know if you really want to be with me? Maybe you knew all along I couldn't move, because of Alice's pregnancy."
"Unbelievable," he sighed out.
"You only seem happy when there are hundreds of miles between us. When you can come see me here and there and put in your phone calls. Maybe that's how you like it? Maybe having more with me terrifies you?"
"Don't even go there."
"Why not? What if it's the truth?"
"Its not, Bella!" Once again, he slammed his hand down on the coffee table, so hard I actually looked to see if he'd damaged it. The sound of his palm crashing against the wood reverberated, filling the air with a strange sense of hostility.
Edward shut his eyes, presumably to gather himself.
"You say it's not true, but the fact that part of me wonders if it might be true scares me to death, Edward. There are times when I sit and wonder how you could choose to live hundreds of miles from me for four years. I wonder if there's someone else in the picture. I wonder if you're going to call and dump me at any given moment."
"So we're back to the trail? You really want to revisit that, because we've always had such success dealing with it in the past?" Edward added, in cynical tone. "And you actually think I've been with someone else? Do you even know me at all?"
"I'm just being honest."
"You want honesty?" His eyes were wide and frantic. "I'll tell you what scares me. Feeling like I'm always being auditioned. That everything I do or don't do is being tallied by you. I'm terrified I'll never measure up, Bella."
"It's not like that."
"Well, I can't help how I feel either," he resigned.
We sat in a heavy unbearable silence again. I was painfully aware of every rise and fall of his chest; utterly aware of every second that ticked by with no words spoken—no resolution offered.
Finally, his voice, course and low, filled the room. "We clearly have some issues here, Bella, and I don't have a clue what to do about them."
"I don't either."
"I need for you to trust me. To trust that I've chosen you."
"I want that too, Edward, but our relationship feels…it feels broken."
"So we…we do the hard work. We fix it," he offered desperately.
"I want to do the hard work, but I am telling you right now I cannot bear the thought of trying to deal with our problems while living apart. I think we have problems in the first place because we've been apart for so long."
"Then you make the move to Fort Worth with me. We'll work it out together. Finally, you and me, day in-day out." He cast his eyes my way, hopeful yet full of apprehension.
"You know I can't move, Edward. Alice needs me."
He paused for several moments, before quietly adding, "Then maybe you're not the only one whose not being chosen?"
I turned to face him, to grab his eyes with mine, only to find them wet with tears. I too, was crying.
"Edward," I breathed out.
"Am I not right? We're both making choices here. Did you ever talk to me about your decision to take Alice in and basically support her through and after the pregnancy?"
"I didn't need to talk to you to know how you felt about it."
"Regardless, did you consult me? Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that decision affected our future too."
"You're twisting my words."
"Not really, Bella. I'm just stating the facts."
"Or making a point."
"I'm just saying that you've done some things without talking to me too. "
"It's not the same," I pointed out calmly. "Besides, you were supposedly coming home. If that had been the case, what I did with Alice wouldn't have had any bearing."
"We could go in circles about this all night," Edward acquiesced, in a voice not much louder than a whisper. "What we need to talk about, to figure out right now, is what are we going to do. What are you we going do?"
"I have no idea," I admitted sadly, looking down at my lap. Suddenly the idea of taking in his eyes, was unthinkable—a certain torture.
"There's got to be a way to make this right," he scrambled, in a voice that I was sure was meant to sound resolute, but came out as doubtful as I felt.
After a long stilted pause, during which neither of us looked in the other's direction, I said the only thing that I could.
"I can't do this anymore tonight, Edward. I'm just done. I don't think you should stay here tonight either."
"Bella…no. Please, I know we can…," he started in a panic.
I couldn't let him finish. "Just go, Edward," I firmly resigned.
Our gazes finally connected. He searched my eyes frantically, almost hopefully. After seconds, his face fell—those beautiful emerald eyes losing their light in an instant. With that, Edward got up, in a posture of defeat, never taking his confounded eyes off of me.
He began to walk away but stopped short of the doorway. His head was dropped low, and he ran a hand over the back of his neck. "Just know that I do love you, Bella. No matter what I've done…how I've messed up, I love you. Forever and a day. I mean it."
Before he turned to go, I saw a glimmer of cautious expectation in his eyes. He stood still for a few moments longer with the doorknob in his grasp, as if he was waiting for me to stop him. Waiting to hear me say that we could work it out. Waiting for me to say anything that might mean things were going to be okay.
As tears filled my eyes, I simply nodded my head. I didn't offer him the words he needed to hear, because I couldn't, with any honesty, utter them.
Quietly, Edward finally left the house, leaving me by myself with a broken heart. When I heard the front door close, I numbly walked to my bedroom and one by one, blew out all twenty candles I'd lit and placed around the room. I turned off the music I'd picked, specifically because it was perfectly romantic. And I put the cork back into the wine that was chilling at my bedside.
I sat in my dark bedroom, the scent of candles still lingering in the air, alone with my thoughts. I replayed words that had been spoken by Edward, words said by me, and I couldn't wrap my brain around any of it. Our night—our relationship-had taken a tragic turn. All of it so different than how I saw it playing out hours earlier, when I'd added special touches to my room, with a thousand butterflies occupying my stomach.
I was drawn to my window by an unseen force. Pulling the curtain back, I immediately spotted Edward under Our Tree, just where I knew he'd be. He leaned up against the trunk heavily, his long legs stretched out before him. His hands played with the grass idly, his body still and motionless otherwise.
As kids, he and I had measured the distance from our houses to Our Tree. It was approximately 17 child-sized paces from my house to the Sycamore, and 20 steps from Edward's window. Yet that night, as I settled into my bay window seat, and quietly watched him there like some kind of voyeur, it felt like the distance was immeasurable, unquantifiable, and insurmountable.
I wanted to believe we were just in the middle of a lover's quarrel, nothing that a bit of space and time couldn't quickly mend. I wanted to believe we could get through it, as we had so many other things—seemingly more devastating things. Yet, deep in my gut, I recognized a fissure between Edward and I, profound and raw. Perhaps it had always been present to some extent, yet it was deeper and infinitely perilous that night. It was something that couldn't be glossed over or simply chalked up to a moment's foolishness. Rather, this fissure I feared—I knew-might end up being the downfall of us.
Edward and I met up under Our Tree the next day. We continued to hash things out in a conversation that was excruciatingly stilted and tense…excruciatingly dead ended. After several soul-draining, heart wrenching hours we didn't get anywhere. Out of options, we finally decided to go our separate ways for the time being, and give the relationship some space. I knew, as I'm sure he did too, that getting some space was just code for a break up…at least that had been the case the last time we'd given it space. But calling it what it actually was felt like a death, and I didn't have it in me to admit what he and I shared had flat lined.
When Edward and I parted ways that afternoon, I, completely captivated, watched him walk away. I took in his beautiful brownish bronze hair that shone like a copper penny in the right sun. I memorized his casual athletic swagger that—unbeknownst to him-had caused many a girl, including me, to swoon. I let my eyes follow the line of his jaw-sharp and angular. I took in the breadth of his shoulders and the ideal taper of his waist. Then I looked down at his hands, so strong and capable, yet perfectly tender when it came to comforting me…touching me.
I painstakingly took in every detail about Edward that day, scrutinized his every move, for one reason and one reason alone. I was fairly certain the next time I laid eyes on him we would no longer be an us. The next time we came together, everything would be devastatingly different between us. I was desperate to hold onto-to never forget-what Edward Masen looked like when he was young and vibrant. What he looked like when he was beautiful and flawless. The way he looked when he claimed he'd love me forever and day. And most importantly, the way he looked when he was mine.
the end is near. I am thankful you are reading this. having readers makes writing it that much more enjoyable! I will do my best to not let you down as we wrap this up!