Disclaimer: I STILL don't own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters
A/N: I know you all have been waiting. I hope some of you have stuck it out through the process and I wish I had a better reward for you. I don't know why exactly this was so incredibly difficult to write, but it was. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I'll write some fluff. But this story is officially on hiatus for at least a month. It is a natural break, I promise. And I hope you forgive me, someday. :(
Chapter 25
Will awoke early in the morning, dressed, and threw a change of clothes in a travel case as well as a PADD with the Torsain trade agreements in it. If he was going to leave his captain in the days leading up to the negotiations, the least he could do was do his homework. With a swig of coffee and a piece of toast in his hand, he headed out the door to Deanna's quarters.
The security measures had been removed. No one awaited his arrival. The ship was still mostly asleep, with a few members of the night shift just finishing up their duties so they could return home. He keyed in his access code and quietly slipped inside. Everything was how it had been. Worf had had the substance from the table's surface removed; the knife and teacup had been disposed of. He assumed the area of carpet was dry by now.
He went straight to her closet and began packing a bag for her. She wouldn't need much. And if he forgot something, all she would need to do would be to contact her mother, but he still tried to think ahead to the next few days and the things that she might want with her. Night clothes, underwear, some comfortable pants and baggy shirts that she wore when no one else was around… her tooth and hair brushes…he continued to look around her bedroom, but nothing else caught his eye.
As he headed back towards her door he was surprised to hear the chime. He looked around the empty quarters, puzzled. "Come in," he called tentatively.
The doors opened in front of him and his captain stood before him. "Captain," Will said surprised. "I was just ah…grabbing a few of Deanna's things. The shuttle is scheduled to leave in an hour."
"Yes, I saw that. I also received a communiqué from Captain Suel on the Furrati, telling me that he hopes my officer will be returned to full health soon," Captain Picard said with a raise of an eyebrow.
Will only shrugged.
"Well, if you plan to leave on time, you had better be on your way to Shuttle Bay 2. You have a pre-flight checklist that needs your attention. I didn't mean to delay you."
"No Sir, I was just…" Will looked around the room again. He had already said what he was doing. It was the captain who hadn't yet explained his presence. Will looked back at his captain. But before he could ask what had brought the captain here at this early hour, Jean Luc stepped inside and walked to the table at the end of Deanna's couch and picked up a leather bound book that lay there.
"I wanted to wish you a safe…and short…trip. But when I saw where you were, I thought you might be gathering some things for Counselor Troi." He held the book out to Will.
Will knew what it was. It was the book that the captain had given her when she was in Sickbay. He reached out and took it slowly.
"I thought she might appreciate having this with her on her journey," the captain told him.
Will could see the sadness in the captain's eyes and he wondered how well he truly understood what was happening with Deanna. "It's always nice to have something to read to keep you occupied," Will said in reply.
The two men studied one another for a moment, neither willing to express what they were thinking.
"Well," the captain tugged on his uniform tunic. "I will see you the day after tomorrow." He extended his hand to his first officer.
"Yes, Sir." Will shook his hand gratefully.
"Travel safely, my friend," Jean Luc told him sincerely.
"Thank you, Sir." Will looked down at the book in his hand. "And I'm sure Deanna will appreciate this," he said indicating the book in his hand.
With another smile, that somehow seemed full of regret, the captain turned and headed out the door.
To the bridge no doubt, Will thought. He looked down at the book in his hand again and he thought back to Deanna trying to keep him from reading whatever was inside as she returned from sickbay all those weeks ago. His curiosity got the better of him and slowly Will opened the front cover.
He immediately recognized the captain's handwriting scrawled across the blank cover page.
For my friend, Deanna, who always held my hand through the darkness, and whom I have left behind. I'm sorry,
Jean Luc Picard
Will sighed to himself as he closed the book. "It wasn't just you, Captain," he said out loud, though there was no one there to hear him. "We all did."
He took the book and tucked it safely into her travel case amongst her things, swung the bag over his shoulder, and walked out of her quarters, wondering when the next time would be that she would set foot in them. Or would she ever call them hers again?
….
Deanna squirmed in her bed in Sickbay trying to find a comfortable position. Her back was hurting, but none of the doctors seemed at all interested in giving her something for the pain. She wondered if this was Beverly's idea of punishment.
She sat up slowly, noticing the nurse sitting in the corner, charting information on a PADD in her hand. Deanna looked from the nurse to the door. There was no chime, but she could sense the person waiting on the other side. Finally the doors opened and Worf entered the room, though he wouldn't quite meet her gaze.
Deanna watched him pensively, wondering why he had bothered to come if he couldn't even look her in the eye.
With a quick nod, the nurse rose and left Worf. To guard the patient, Deanna thought bitterly.
Worf took two steps toward the bed and placed some folded clothes by her feet.
"Commander Riker asked me to bring these to you. Once you are dressed, I will be escorting you to Shuttle Bay 2."
Deanna only continued to watch him.
"Do you need assistance?" he asked puzzled.
Deanna huffed as she reached to the end of the bed for her clothes. "I can dress myself," she snapped and began to get out of the bed. She had to move slowly to keep the room from spinning around her.
Worf remained where he stood, watching her until he was sure she was steady on her feet, and then turned slightly away from her to give her some privacy.
She looked back at him as she reached for her top.
"I can get a female attendant if you would prefer," he offered.
Deanna almost snarled. Why wouldn't he just leave her alone…let her get dressed in peace…With a defiant glance back at him, she took off the smock she wore and threw it on the bed.
Worf lowered his gaze away from her naked body.
If he's uncomfortable, he can leave, she thought angrily as she picked up the shirt he had brought her and pulled it over her head. As much as she wanted to make him squirm, she could still feel the relief that covering her body brought her and she hated it.
By the time she was dressed, she had to lean on the bed for support. She felt her body trembling from exhaustion.
Worf approached her slowly, watching her take slow deep breaths. He didn't speak, only offered her his hand.
Deanna looked from his hand to his face. The look in his eyes was maybe more pleading than any she had ever seen, and even when she had tried to get an emotional response from him, his emotions had remained calm and steady.
Unlike when he had entered, he kept a steady lock with her eyes, hoping somehow that she would sense his sincerity.
Slowly Deanna took his hand and he helped her stand. "Whenever you are ready," he offered.
The pleading look in his eyes broke her resolve. She couldn't bear to continue her angry tirade with him. All she knew was that he surely knew what she had done, and yet he was there, helping her, with more kindness and compassion than she had ever felt from him. She would have thought he would have been angry, that her actions were so dishonorable, but he was not judging her, and it gave her the courage to go forward.
"I'm ready," she told him quietly, though she wasn't at all sure that she was; that she was even remotely capable of facing what lay ahead of her.
Worf took her hand and wrapped it around his arm as he escorted her from her room through the open bay and out into the corridor.
Neither of them spoke as they walked, slowly, through the corridors of the ship to their destination. As they entered the turbo lift, Deanna rested against the wall. "I'm sorry," she told him as she struggled to catch her breath from the small amount of physical exertion.
"You are still recovering," he told her simply.
Deanna looked at him for a long moment. "Who told you?" she finally asked.
Worf turned to look at her as well. "No one told me. I was with Commander Riker when we found you in your quarters." Only then was there the slightest hint of anger, disappointment.
Deanna looked down, ashamed. "I'm sorry," she said again.
After another pause, she fought for the courage to ask her next question. "Who else knows?" she asked quietly.
Worf paused before answering. "As far as I am aware, Commander Riker, Dr. Crusher and myself."
Deanna was shocked. "The captain?"
Worf shook his head slightly. "Though he did approve of your leave; and Commander Laforge, I am sure, has his suspicions. I know that Commander Riker has done everything in his power to maintain your privacy."
Deanna looked down at her feet again as the lift came to a stop. "He's angry," she said, though it was no more than a whisper.
"That is understandable," he answered as he took her hand again and led her from the lift.
"I told Alexander that I would give you this," he said opening his hand to reveal the small holophoto projector as they continued down the corridor. "I told him you would be leaving the ship for a while, because you are ill, and he thought you might want to have this with you."
Deanna took it from him and, stopping in the middle of the walkway, activated the image. It was Alexander and Deanna on the beach on Betazed. The same photo that Deanna had seen on Worf's desk in his quarters. They were smiling. With a sigh, Deanna turned the projector off and the image disappeared. That was the last time she had been home. And in all her life, she never thought she would be going home like this.
Fear and shame overwhelmed her and tears stung at her eyes, as she clutched the holo projector to her chest with one hand and held firmly to Worf with the other. She couldn't speak anymore. Not without loosing her battle for composure.
When they entered the shuttle bay Deanna saw Beverly and Will talking intently near the nose of the shuttle, but Worf did not stop or greet them. He took Deanna to the back of the shuttle and helped her aboard. He sat her down on one of the two long benches that stretched out on either side of the main shuttle body.
"I am needed on the bridge," he told her as he turned to go. "I will tell Alexander that he will see you …soon," he told her.
Deanna tried to smile at him. She understood Worf well enough to hear what he was trying to tell her. She opened her mouth to speak, but knew immediately that no words would come. Emotion overtook her voice and only a strangled wisp of a cry emerged. She settled for nodding to him. And then he walked away and she was alone, for the first time in more than a day, and she realized she didn't want to be. Tears slid down her cheeks and she began to shake as she clung to the small projector in her hand. Why was this happening to her? Why were they doing this? How had this become her life? She felt completely out of control.
….
"She needs the injections every four hours, like clockwork," Beverly told Will as she placed the hypo spray back into the case in front of her. "And here are her medical records for Dr. Menhdal. I spoke to him yesterday, but remind him that her metabolism has been sluggish so evenly spaced doses…"
"Beverly," Will chastised her. She was hovering again.
"Okay, okay," she said closing the med kit and handing it to him just as Worf approached. "And you're sure you'll be okay? Eighteen hours each way and almost no time there to rest, and no co-pilot…"
"I'll be fine. I'll drink lots of coffee. Don't worry," Will told her. He looked over to Worf, as the three of them huddled together. "How is she?" he asked.
"A bit unsteady on her feet," Worf told him. The other two nodded, as if it were to be expected given the circumstances. "Angry," Worf added. "She seems very angry, and emotional."
Beverly looked to Will, wondering if he was really prepared to be locked in a shuttle with a furious woman for eighteen hours.
"That's alright," Will said casually stepping towards the back of the shuttle. "She can be angry. I'll take angry over dead any day of the week."
"Contact me if she has any unusual physical symptoms," Beverly reminded him.
"The Torsian fleet is expecting your departure in precisely seven minutes," Worf told his friend.
"We'll make it," Will said casually.
"Have a safe journey, Commander," Worf offered.
"I'll see you tomorrow night," he told them both and turned to board the shuttle.
Will stepped in and stowed the med kit with the other bags in the aft compartment. Deanna was sitting on the bench, her knees tucked to her chest as she wiped at her eyes.
"You okay?" he asked her casually as he headed to the controls.
"I'm fine," Deanna told him angrily as she wiped at her last tear. She wouldn't let him see how scared she was.
"Well, we should be out of here in a few minutes."
Will didn't seem to pay her much attention as he went about his work. She tried to get a read on his emotions, but could only sense his focus. Was he ignoring her?
Fine, she thought. Just leave me alone. She settled in against the bulkhead as the shuttle launched into the air and then slid smoothly forward out of the bay. Will worked steadily, clearing the bay and talking with Data from the bridge.
Deanna felt herself gasp as the Torsian ships surrounding the Enterprise came into view. The sheer number of them was intimidating, even on a galaxy class star ship, but on the tiny shuttlecraft, the sight was more than unsettling. But none of the ships seemed to pay them any mind as Will said his final goodbye to the Enterprise and increased speed, slipping seamlessly between two Torsian trade ships.
The shuttle continued to increase speed until the stars were no more than streaks of light flying by. Will kept himself busy at the controls for a while as Deanna sat silently watching him. But after several minutes there was little left for him to do. He made a log entry and then finally turned to look at her.
He watched her for a moment. She was leaning against the bulkhead, eyes closed, taking slow deep breaths. He could have mistaken her for looking peaceful. But he could read her body language better than that. Her knees were tucked tight to her chest, her arms wrapped snuggly around them, and her thumb of one hand caressed the back of the other, as if she were reassuring herself.
"If I put on some music, would that bother you?" he asked.
Deanna opened her eyes slightly, to look at him. She tried not to sigh. Will Riker was never one to enjoy the peace of silence. It irritated him, made him uncomfortable. He preferred having a distraction. She, on the other hand, never truly felt silence. Even when words were absent, emotions filled the space around her and the quiet could help her interpret emotions more accurately.
"Music is fine," Deanna finally answered him, and closed her eyes again.
Will activated a jazz music file and the sound filled the cabin of the shuttle. Deanna almost smiled as she felt the edge that the silence of the room had brought him begin to fade away.
She was wrapped up in dissecting his feelings and her own. She felt no pressure to communicate with him. She didn't know what she would say anyway.
She heard Will's foot start to tap to the rhythm of the music. He needed something to do.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
Deanna shook her head no.
Will huffed under his breath and Deanna sensed the frustration pour off him, through her closed eyelids. He walked to the back of the shuttle where the replicator stood across from a small table. Behind it, was a lavatory and two bunks. Deanna had slept in them before on occasion. They weren't very comfortable, and were far too small for someone of Will's height.
She felt him cross by her again, preferring to eat in the pilot's seat apparently.
He paused and set a plate next to her on the bench. She waited until she heard him sit down and begin to eat himself before she peered out of one eye to see what it was.
"Eat it," he told her, as he caught her looking.
It was a bagel and a piece of fruit and a mug of hot chocolate. She wished she could have ignored the food, showed him that she didn't need his help, but her stomach churned and growled with hunger and she reached down and broke off a piece of the bagel and brought it to her mouth.
"Thank you," she mumbled.
Will only nodded before turning to read from a PADD in his hand. Every few minutes, Will would look up to watch her nibble at the food that lay next to her. The silence between them dragged on and on, and after an hour, Deanna realized that she too was grateful for the jazz music filling the cabin.
Finally Will stood from his chair. The sudden movement startled her and Deanna actually jumped. But Will simply walked past her to the aft compartment and retrieved something.
Deanna watched silently as he turned to approach her. When he reached for her arm, she pulled away from him, her fear overtaking her better judgment.
Will stepped back from her and sighed in frustration at the situation. He held out the hypo spray for her to see. "It's medication for your liver," he told her calmly. "It's important that it be given every four hours, like clockwork," he continued and Deanna recognized the mocking of the doctor's continued reminding in his voice.
She almost laughed at his familiar joking, but couldn't quite find that much happiness in her heart. Instead she only sighed.
Will took her arm in his hand and pressed the hypo to her skin. It was like a spark shot through her from the warmth of his touch. In that one moment, she realized how much she missed him. She would have given anything if he would wrap his arms around her, protect her…love her; tell her everything was going to be okay. She might almost believe him. But the sting of the medication being pushed into her arm ripped her from the moment of reveling. She hissed at the pain.
"Sorry," he told her, gently brushing his thumb across the slight red mark the hypo had left on her arm. The sensation made her heart pound harder in her chest. But then the feel of his skin was gone and he was moving away from her again.
Deanna felt her heart slow, almost stop as she hung her head. She hated that she couldn't fight her body's reaction to him.
Will puttered about as Deanna stretched out and tried to find a position that was comfortable for her. She was getting very sleepy and her back and legs were hurting.
She wondered how much longer they could bear the silence between them.
After a few more minutes, Deanna gave up. She stood slowly and stretched her body.
Will turned to her with a puzzled expression. "Computer, pause music," he called and the shuttle fell completely quiet. The two of them watched each other for a moment. "Where are you going?" he asked her.
"I'm tired. I was going to lay down on one of the bunks," Deanna pointed in that direction.
"Here," Will stood and walked to the bench across from her and pulled it out to extend further into the isle. Now it was wide enough to lie comfortably on, at least relatively. Deanna didn't know the benches extended like that, but it did make sense. The shuttle was meant to carry four, two bunks, two benches.
"You can lay down here," Will offered and Deanna was pulled out of her realizations back to what he was saying.
Would he really not allow her even that small amount of privacy, she wondered as she watched him. "The bunks are right there, what is it you think I'm going to do?"
"I don't know what you'll do, obviously," he told her and the bitterness that had been in his voice the day before edged back in.
Deanna had assumed that the guard over her in Sickbay had been Beverly's idea, but now, looking at Wills set face, she wondered if she had been wrong. "I'm just going to lay down," she told him.
"Then lay down here," Will said more determined. It seemed they had each drawn a line in the sand and this was the place they had chosen their battle.
"So you can keep an eye on me?" she asked bitterly. She could feel her anger and frustration rising.
"Pretty much," Will answered.
"Well, I'm sorry to be such a bother," Deanna told him snidely. She turned back towards the bunks, ready to ignore him all together.
"Deanna," he started. She could tell he had stood from his chair and was glaring at her.
She turned back to face him, determined to be defiant. "Seriously? There's only so much space in this shuttle. It's not like I can run away. Do you think I'm going to drown myself in the toilet? Strangle myself with a bed sheet? I am capable of lying down on my own. I'm not a child." Her words were short and bitter.
No, you are more obstinate, he thought, but he didn't see that it would help the situation to voice his frustrations. "SIT DOWN!" he yelled at her in his best commanding voice.
The two stood glaring at one another for a moment, knowing that the first one to blink or move would loose. The moment dragged on as the two let their stubborn streaks get the best of them.
"Ahhhg," Deanna finally moaned. She knew she'd lost but there was a growing cramp in her foot and she could only stand that still for so long. She huffed back to her seat on the bench. "Honestly," she muttered under her breath.
Will rolled his eyes and let out his own frustrated groan as he sat back down as well.
"Yeah, honestly, what about that?" he asked mostly to himself.
"You're the one blackmailing me!" she yelled.
"That's right," he told her. "I'm the bad guy. I must have forgotten somehow. It's my fault."
Deanna didn't respond to his rant, just continued to glare at him from her seat, her arms folded across her chest. But the lack of response only fueled Will's fire.
"I'm sure I'm the one who pushed you away, lied to you. Tell me, how did it feel to pick up my limp body and try to see if my heart was still beating? Did it make you feel pretty powerless? How about when you found out I'd been lying, hiding things for months? How'd you feel then?"
Deanna eyes grew wide as he launched attack after attack at her.
"I'm the bad guy. You'll just have to keep reminding me." Will's voice grew calmer, resigned even, as he turned the chair back to face the controls.
"What do you want from me?" Deanna asked, her voice barely a whisper.
For a moment Will didn't respond. Then, with a heavy sigh, he turned to face her again. "I want to know why?" he asked softly in return.
Silence enveloped them again as they stared at one another, trying to sense anything from the other that might break the stalemate between them.
"Why what?" Deanna finally asked.
"I want it all, Deanna. I want to know why you lied to me, why you wouldn't trust me. I want to know why you'd use the damn stuff in the first place. I want to know why you told me you were okay when you weren't. You could have come to me. We could have…"
"What?" Deanna asked pleadingly. "We could have what? You want to know why I did what I did? I don't know. I just knew I didn't know what else to do." She fought back the tears that were stinging her eyes. She looked away, staring at the wall opposite her.
Will hung his head and sighed heavily. "You could have come to me."
"I tried…"
"And did I push you away? Did I do something wrong? That night when you left sickbay… you came to me. What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing," Deanna said defensively. "You didn't do anything."
"And the next night? Why didn't you come back…tell me you were scared, whatever?"
"It wasn't your responsibility!" Deanna cried. "I needed to deal with it on my own."
"But you didn't deal with it, Deanna. You took drugs!" Will cried standing from his seat.
"It isn't a drug," Deanna said defensively.
Will just gaped at her, completely at a loss.
"It's an herbal…"
Will put his hand up for her to stop. His whole body was nearly shaking with pent up frustration. Why couldn't she see? He shook his head. "I don't know whether to yell at you or hug you or just…" he shook his hands in frustration... "shake you senseless! You are so stubborn! And proud! And selfish!"
Deanna gasped. "I tried to do every thing you wanted, to be everything everyone wanted me to be!"
"You think that's what we wanted? One minute you're walking around, put together, doing your job, and the next you're crumpled on the floor half dead? We were all standing there, begging you to let us help. Me, Beverly, Worf, the captain… What did you think I would do, Deanna? Did you think I'd give up on you? Transfer you? What was it that you were so afraid of if you told any of us the truth? What did we do that was so horrible that you decided that you couldn't trust us?"
Deanna hung her head. "None of you did anything," she told him quietly.
"Then why?" he asked firmly.
Deanna just sat there silently, afraid to look at him, unable to come up with an answer.
"Was it just easier to ditch out on us all? To kill yourself? Do we all mean so little to you? Do I mean that little to you?"
"It didn't have anything to do with you!" Deanna finally shouted in frustration. She stood up to face him. She didn't need his self-righteous lecture. He just didn't understand. "Not everything is about you!"
"Ahh!" Will almost screamed at her. He huffed back down into the chair behind him and turned and began pounding keys on the controls in front of him. There was a small asteroid belt in front of them and he took his aggression out on the keys as he altered their course slightly.
"I don't know what you want from me," Deana told him sourly. "Do you want me to be grateful?"
"God forbid," he muttered as he continued to punch at controls, breathing deeply trying to stay calm. "I'm risking my friendships, my career…"
"Why? Who asked you to?" she cried. "Since you clearly can't stand me, why are you going through all this trouble?"
Will punched one last control before spinning around to face her again. "Because I LOVE YOU!" he screamed. "Happy?" he asked without lowering his voice. He knew he needed to tell her, but he hadn't intended to be fighting with her when he said it. "I love you, and I've got the guts to say it while we're both awake."
Deanna took a step back from him and lowered her eyes.
"You told me you loved me, and I should have said it back, right away. But I was scared. I didn't want to screw it up and we had made all these stupid deals before hand… I… I kind of panicked for a minute. But it doesn't change how I felt… how I feel."
The more he spoke the softer and less sure his voice became.
"And then you pushed me away. You were scared, and I get that. And I said some things I shouldn't have. But I tried to show you that I was still there if you needed me, while I was trying to give you the space you said you wanted. But when Worf and I found you… I don't know that I can tell you what that was like. Maybe Worf realized, but… it never crossed my mind that you'd do what you did. It scared me, Deanna. It scares me." He said in a fierce whisper.
Deanna sat back down, her eyes studying the hands folded softly in her lap.
"I'm so mad, and sad and scared…I don't know how to make sense of it," he told her, his voice choked with emotion.
For a moment they both wallowed in silence and their own pain.
"I didn't."
Her whisper broke the silence that had grown between them. "I didn't mean to. It wasn't like I was thinking I should kill myself. I never meant to do that."
"Deanna," he began, but she wasn't really speaking to him.
"It was like everything was closing in around me… like nothing was ever going to get better. It hurt so badly. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. It wasn't that I wanted to die."
Will sunk down onto the bench opposite her. "Then what was it?"
Deanna stopped and considered the question. She thought back to that night and the anxiety that had overwhelmed her. "I guess it wasn't that I wanted to die, but more that I just didn't care one way or the other," she admitted slowly.
Will shook his head slightly. "Deanna, can't you see the problem with that? Can't you…"
Deanna nodded, her eyes low, as if, for the first time, she realized what she was saying.
"Dea," Will reached out to her, but Deanna shook her head.
"Please, just…" she shrunk away from him, as if she couldn't bear his scrutiny.
With another heavy sigh, Will stepped back to the controls, turning his back to her to give her a moment. He picked up the PADD with the Torsian trade agreements that he had been reading earlier, but he couldn't make himself read on. Instead he just listened to the small sounds from the woman behind him.
He could hear her breath coming in short gasps as she fought her emotions, until she gave in and began to cry. After a moment he turned back and found her head in her hands, leaning against the bulkhead. It was a kind of grief and release that he hadn't seen since that first morning she awoke in Sickbay, as all her pent up emotions began to find a release. Part of him wanted to leave her alone, but the other part needed one more answer.
"Deanna," he spoke softly.
Deanna tried to compose herself, as if she had forgotten for a moment that he was there. She wiped at her eyes, straightened her clothes before she turned to face him.
"Please tell me what happened? What would make you do that?"
Deanna only shook her head.
"You said you wanted the pain to stop… what pain? What made that moment so bad?"
"What difference does it make?" she mumbled again wiping at the corner of her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
Will slowly shrugged his shoulders. "I just need to know," he told her. He stood and walked to the bench where she sat and sat down next to her. "Please?"
For a while she couldn't find the words, but slowly the events and emotions found a voice and she told him everything, how scared she had been on the bridge, how everything around her seemed to be a personal attack, about the Torsian trade captain who had leered at her and how she could sense what he wanted from her, how it had made her physically ill, and what Dr. Turner had said to her, how unsure of herself it had made her feel to have someone so heartless see through her so easily, how it left her feeling vulnerable and scared.
Will hadn't realized. He hadn't understood. When he thought he might not want to hear anymore, he reached for her hand and held it tightly, not knowing if he was offering her support or the other way around, and when she had let the whole story out, she looked exhausted.
Will pulled her to his chest and held her tight as she began to cry again. He didn't try to stop her or try to soften the pain. There was no way around it now, but to feel it, to finally deal with it and move on. Time and space slipped past them, largely unnoticed by either of them as she clung to him and let the pain in her soul pour out of her.
…..
Will woke up to the feeling of something trembling against his arms. Deanna was shivering. He pulled away from Deanna's body enough to climb off the bench, sliding her out of his arms and grabbing a blanket to wrap around her.
He hadn't meant to fall asleep. It was only about 21:00. He glanced quickly over the navigational controls of the shuttle and made a quick course correction to maneuver back on course after they passed the asteroid field. When he looked at the chronometer again he realized it had been almost five hours since Deanna's last injection. He cursed quietly under his breath, knowing what Beverly Crusher would say to him if she were there. He moved past Deanna's sleeping body and retrieved the hypo spray from the med kit.
He felt her cool damp skin as he pressed the medicine into her neck. She moaned slightly and pulled away from his touch, but did not wake up.
"Sleeping beauty," he mumbled under his breath. As he slipped the hypo spray back into its place, he looked again to where she lay sleeping. It wasn't just a shiver he was seeing.
Her whole body was shaking, trembling, and suddenly he felt the dread of being alone in the vastness of space.
He pulled the tricorder from the case instead and did a quick scan. He didn't see anything that sent alarms off in his head, but it wasn't exactly his area of expertise either. His Star Fleet emergency medical training was suddenly feeling completely inadequate. He went back to the pilot's chair and looked at their course.
They were hours closer to Betazed than to the Enterprise. In fact they would be there in four more hours, but his yearning for familiarity won out over his desire to not have the doctor harp on him for missing a dose of medication, and he quickly patched through a sub space communication to the Enterprise.
It didn't take too long for the message to reach its destination. Beverly Crusher was in her quarters, dressed for bed, but she answered right away.
"What's happening," she asked, skipping over the customary greetings.
"I'm not sure. Maybe nothing." Will looked back over his shoulder to where Deanna slept. "She's shivering… badly."
"What's her body temperature?" Beverly asked automatically.
Will turned and scanned her again, with the tircorder. "37.1," he answered.
"Normal," Beverly said quietly. "Has she received her injections on schedule?"
Will looked away sheepishly. "It was a little late."
"How much is a little?"
"A couple hours," Will said and almost ducked from the smack that would have come if they had been within arms reach of each other.
"Will!"
"I'm sorry. I gave it to her now. What do I do?"
Beverly shrugged slightly. "Nothing," she finally said. "It will fade as the medication kicks in."
"So it's because of her liver?" he asked, puzzled. To be perfectly honest, he wasn't entirely sure that he knew what a liver did for a body, but it did seem to be one of those organs you needed to survive, at least in most humanoids.
This time it was Beverly who looked away.
"Bev?" he insisted. There was something she was not telling him.
"I synthesized it," she told him quietly. "It won't damage anything. I just didn't want her withdrawing while there was no medical staff…"
"Fala root!" Will shouted, then dropped his voice and glanced back. Deanna had stirred slightly. "Fala root?" he whispered. "Where? In the injections?" He stood to get the med kit.
"Don't you dare throw them out!" Beverly hollered after him. "They are a combination of three medications and just a touch of synthesized Fala pulp. Just enough to keep her body from going through withdrawals while you were out there."
Will stopped and sat back down. "Withdrawals?" he asked more calmly. He hadn't thought about that for some reason. "What else? What will they be like?"
"Chills, dry mouth, aching joints and muscles, irritability… maybe one, maybe all.
"And once she gets to the center? Can they help her?" he asked.
Beverly shook her head solemnly. "She'll have to go through it eventually," she told him.
"I just thought it best that there was a doctor present in case anything went wrong."
Will sighed heavily, and rubbed at his beard. "You could have told me," he said.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make it harder than it already was." Beverly sighed as well.
"How is it going?" she asked.
"Okay," Will told her. "We're gonna be okay, I think."
Beverly smiled softly, thankful that they hadn't killed one another yet.
"I mean, it's not okay right now… but it could be," he told her. Deanna stirred again behind him. She was waking up, and the shivering was getting worse as she awoke. "I should go."
"You're almost there," Beverly offered encouragement.
Will only nodded. "Goodnight, Beverly. Curie out."
He turned back to where Deanna was curling herself up in the blanket more tightly. Her teeth were chattering. "I'm cold," she said quietly.
"I know, " he told her, slipping an arm around her as he sat down. "You're gonna be okay."
"Could we make it warmer in here?" she asked through her chattering teeth.
"I don't think it'll help, but…Computer, increase temperature by three degrees."
The computer beeped in acknowledgement and almost immediately Deanna could feel a rush of warm air from the floor vents. She sighed and tucked her body closer to Will's, grateful for his touch. "I don't feel very well," she told him.
"I know. It's my fault. Your last injection was late. I'm sorry."
"What's happening?"
"Your body is in withdrawal. Beverly gave you something for it. It should help pretty soon."
They sat in silence for a moment before Deanna spoke again. "I'm sorry," she mumbled against the arm that held tightly to her.
"For what?" he asked after another pause. He didn't want to start another fight, but he needed to know.
"Everything," she said quietly. She looked up at him; her large dark eyes brimming with soft unshed tears.
He knew she meant what she said. That unlike the apologies snapped in anger, these were sincere. And there was fear there as well. Fear of what it would take to climb out of the hole that she and the injustices of life had put her in. He kissed her lightly on the head and tucked her to him again and simply waited for the tremors to pass.
Slowly, they did. The ache in her back subsided as well as the nagging headache she had woken up with. There was an alarm from the auto pilot and Will stood and made his way to the pilot's chair. Deanna curled back up on the bench and was content to watch him work.
Silence overtook them for again, but this time, it was not the bitter angry silence that it had been hours earlier. It was more comfortable. Occasionally Will glanced back to check on her.
"Hey," he said after a minute. "The captain had me bring that book he gave you. Do you want it?" he asked her.
Deanna smiled sadly, thinking back to the crew she was leaving behind. She nodded slightly and Will left his seat and retrieved the book, grabbing another cup of coffee on his way back to the pilot's chair.
"You looked at it, didn't you," she asked as he handed her the book.
Will smiled sheepishly, then hung his head in contrition. "I think it's nice," he told her. "He cares about you very much."
Deanna only shook her head. "And what would he say if he knew the truth?" she asked him.
Will sighed heavily as he sat in his chair. "I think he'd say…go get her help. Get her better. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what he did say."
Deanna nodded again as she began to flip through the collected works of Robert Frost.
Will turned back to the navigational controls and silence again filled the cabin as it had for so much of their journey.
….
"Deanna," she heard him call as he nudged her shoulder. "Come on, time to go."
Deanna sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. "Where are we?" she asked confused.
"In orbit above Batezed," he told her. "If we land, there are logs and diplomatic… stuff," he finally decided to call it. It was far gentler than some of the words he was choosing between, "that we'd have to go through. Your mother thought it was best that you beam down from here."
Deanna nodded again, rising slowly to her feet. "And you agreed with her," Deanna figured watching him strap a band to his arm that would allow him to transport directly back to the shuttle.
"Don't get too used to it," he told her lightly. "We had a pretty strong uniting factor this time." He was gathering up her things as they talked, including the book she had fallen asleep reading. "I figure you can shower and change once you're there." He helped her gather the blanket she had wrapped around her and laid it to the side of the bench. He took a deep breath. "You ready?" he asked as they stood facing each other.
Immediately tears sprang to her eyes and her chin began to quiver. "I don't know," she choked out. Fear was overtaking her. It was such a steep hill to climb. What if she didn't have the strength? Will tried to calm her fears. He put his arm around her and tried to sooth her as much as he could.
"You just take it one moment at a time," he said softly. "Step one, we gotta go down there."
Deanna swallowed hard and nodded to him. She was as ready as she would get, and yet as she felt the transport beam press around her, she felt her fear and uncertainty overwhelm her again.
….
When the transporter beam had completely dissipated, Deanna looked around her cautiously. The building was open and spacious with clean lines and modern looking furniture making various seating areas. The walls were neutral colors or others were glass making it hard to tell where the building and gardens outside began and ended.
Plants were placed around the different seating areas and vines climbed one wall near a water feature that echoed its sound of trickling water up through the open spaces above them. There was no desk or visible office, nor were there other people to guide them.
They seemed to be alone, though Deanna could feel the presence of many minds around her. High above their heads were the hallways of other floors and they could see a scattered person or two walking the corridors, but the large waiting area where they stood remained deserted.
Will looked at Deanna almost helplessly, and shrugged.
Deanna only shrugged in return. "Where is my mother?" she finally asked in a whisper, as if the sound of her voice might break the tranquility of their surroundings.
"She is at a conference on Torban 5," Will whispered in return. "She thought maybe it would make you more comfortable if she gave you some space. But she'll be back tomorrow and she said to tell you that whenever you wanted to see her that you could just call and she would be here right away."
"And if I don't call?" Deanna asked, venturing to let her voice rise in volume ever so slightly.
"She said she'd give you your space," Will told her. "No guarantees." He looked as her eyes traveled to the floor. "I'm sorry," he said reaching for her arm. "You wanted her here."
"No, not exactly," she confessed.
"Expected her here," he corrected.
"She must be so embarrassed," Deanna muttered, and Will noticed how she shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other like a child.
"That's not why she's not here," he told her, forgetting to whisper as his voice echoed off the walls and floated up through the empty space. "Dea, she's just as worried about you as I am. More," he offered. "She's your mother."
Deanna nodded, but still didn't look at him.
"With all the crazy antics that entails," he added and he saw the corner of her mouth break into what was almost a smile.
A woman with long straight brown hair entered the room and approached them, but she made no effort to greet them, at least not that Will recognized. She walked directly to Deanna and stood before her smiling. He suddenly remembered years ago standing in a Betaziod chapel and having that same feeling as if he were missing the conversation happening right in front of him.
He saw Deanna nod slightly.
"I'm sorry. I'm being very rude. Commander," the woman extended her hand. "I am Lara. I am the physiologist assigned to work with Deanna during her stay. Welcome." There was something soothing, almost musical to her voice as it floated up into the air and mingled with the trickling sound of the water.
Will shook her hand. "Is Dr. Mehndal available?" he asked her.
"No, but I can message him if you wish," she offered as she turned around and began to walk away.
Deanna took a step forward to follow her. It must have been part of that conversation he missed, he thought as he hurried to catch up.
"I have some medical information here from our ship's physician," Will told her.
The woman was silent as she paused her step and watched Deanna for a moment. Deanna nodded slightly again.
The woman shook her head. "Forgive me Commander. I am so completely out of practice," she apologized for what he assumed was her use of telepathy. "Dr. Mehndal received a transmission from your Dr. Crusher a few hours ago. He will meet Deanna in a few hours to go over her treatment plan."
Will shook his head slightly, realizing that she not only had communicated with Deanna but had sent a sort of telepathic message to the doctor. He had to admit, as uncomfortable as it still made him, it was an efficient means of communication.
She only smiled in return. "If I do that again, feel free to nudge me. I sometimes don't realize I am not speaking verbally. And you, Deanna, are quite adept for one that has lived so long on a federation star ship," Lara said as she turned and began walking again
She means for one half- human, Will heard Deanna's words in his head and he had to take a step back to keep from falling over. Deanna only arched her eyebrows and shrugged as if to say "What?" and continued to follow the psychologist down the hall.
Will took all his concentration and gave it a shot. It freaks me out when you do that!
He heard Deanna laugh under her breath as she walked.
"Deanna," Lara called to them as they lagged back in the hall. "Your room will be right through here," she offered and led them out through a walkway through an outside courtyard. The air was warm and sweet.
Will could hear birds chirping in the nearby trees, he thought he might have even heard a monkey. The facility seemed to be tucked against the edge of the jungle on one side and was surrounded by beaches on the other. He could smell the distinctively Betazoid combination of jungle flower and sea air.
It's beautiful, he tried again, feeling as if his first attempt had not been a dismal failure.
Deanna looked back at him, a step or two behind her. She gave him a weak smile and glanced around at their surroundings. Peaceful, she told him a bit reluctantly. You're not as bad at this as you thought you'd be, she continued, a small smile crossing her face.
As I thought I'd be, or YOU thought I'd be? He asked her and they smiled together for a moment.
Lara paused and was watching them from the doorway to a small cottage. "I'm sorry to interrupt," she told them. "This will be your room, Deanna. If you will give me those items, Commander, I will get them inspected and return them to you so you can get settled." She put out her arms and Will handed her the bag of Deanna's things as well as the med kit that he had been carrying.
Deanna had turned and walked into the room, staring out at the ocean from the window. It left Will a moment with this woman who would be assigned to Deanna. "Is that really necessary?" he asked her as he passed her the bags. "I wouldn't have brought…"
"Please take no offence, Commander. It is our policy. The items will be returned to her. No harm will come to any of them. I assure you."
"Right," Will conceded. "So, Lara…" he left the sentence open for her to insert her surname.
"Just Lara. We want the patients to be comfortable, but not to put them in a context of politics or culture."
"Okay," he said, hoping that she couldn't pick up the blah blah of what he thought of as psychobabble in his emotions. "You do know who she is, though, right?"
"Deanna is of the House of Troi, a daughter of the Fifth House of Betazed, heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed." Her voice was even, as if she was neither impressed by her patients status nor annoyed by the question. "Yes, I know who she is. I also know what she has been through," she told him.
"I doubt…"
"Galia prime is going through a cultural upheaval where females are treated as commodities and forced into lives and marriages with little freedom. She was lost on that world for six days. Six days, in which she was raped and tortured, subjected to utter humiliation and abuse to her body and mind. While there she was exposed to a herbal sedative called Fala root which she has continued to use after her return to your ship and which three days ago she abused to the point of near death, though from what I sense from her the action had little to do with wanting to die and far more to do with feeling powerless to control the life that she was leading."
Will took a step back. When it was put so succinctly, it seemed almost basic, as if anyone should have been able to understand it. "I see that Mrs. Troi has informed you well," he told her.
"I have never spoken to Lwaxana Troi," Lara told him as if she did not understand his connection. "I would very much enjoy meeting her though, I think. Everything I've heard about her would indicate that she is a powerful telepath.
"Then how did you…"
"I read her intake sheet and did my own research on Galian culture. The rest," she inclined her head to look back to where Deanna stood, looking out the window. "The rest she told me, in her own way."
Will sighed. He was clearly mentally outmatched.
"She'll tell me the rest, but it must be in her own time. She must learn to trust me, and for that, I'm afraid I need you to leave."
"But," Will began.
"She trusts you. The two of you are clearly bonded. You seem to have the ability to communicate with one another telepathically."
"You could hear us?" he questioned.
"Of course not. I would not intrude on a private conversation. But I can certainly tell when two people are having a conversation. I have never seen the skill necessary to communicate in that way from a human before. It's truly remarkable. Who taught you?"
Will looked back to where Deanna stood, looking away from him.
"It is just with her then?" Lara asked quietly.
Will nodded. "I can't just walk out," he told her. "I want her to get better, I do, but I can't just walk out."
"The right time will come. You will know when you must go. She will not want you to leave. You are her safety in the storm, and she is clinging to you for support."
"But I shouldn't support her?" he asked puzzled.
"It is not that you should not be supportive, Commander. But it is necessary for her to face her demons. And she needs to face them alone, not hiding behind you." Lara took a step away with the bags over her shoulder, then turned back around to face him again. "Relationships are about coexisting, making the other better and stronger by being together. A healthy relationship is always reciprocal. She cannot find that strong relationship, until she can be strong again, independently." With that, she turned and walked away.
Will stood there for a moment taking in her comments, and wondering what had made her say what she did. He wondered if she could pick up so much from Deanna so quickly, or if he was simply an open book to her. He hoped not, he thought as he stepped into the room.
The room was circular in shape, with one whole section of the wall being windows out to the ocean view. It would have appeared to be a luxury resort rather than a medical and psychiatric hospital. At least it wasn't the psychiatric hospital he'd pictured in his mind.
The furnishings of the room were not as plush or exotic as the view. They were simple. A bed, a dresser, a desk that overlooked the ocean view, with a single chair. The bathroom was equally simple. There was no replicator that he could see. There was a small computer screen on the desk. He assumed it had access to a communications system. There was also a book. It looked to be some sort of a guide to the facility.
"Hey," Deanna said quietly, not turning away from the ocean view as he approached behind her.
"Hey," he whispered back. He slipped his arm over her shoulder and across her chest, holding her tight as he kissed the top of her head. "You doin' okay?"
Deanna nodded slightly. Her body was tucked tight against his and his chin rested on the top of her head. It made her feel safe. She wrapped her hands around the forearm draped across her chest and sighed.
"So what were the two of you talking about? Were you telling her all my secrets?" She was trying to sound light or playful, but it didn't seem to come out right. It sounded as if she were scared, and perhaps she was.
Will's voice was calm in return, soothing. "Not all your secrets," he told her. "Just where you tuck stuff on a bad day."
She didn't respond and he couldn't tell if she was angry or just sad.
"I know this is hard for you," he told her.
"I've had a lot of bad days lately," she muttered before pulling away from his embrace and moving to look around her room.
"It seems nice here," he commented. "A little quiet."
"Is it?" she asked honestly. The minds around her filled the space. It didn't seem overly quiet to her. Deanna walked to the edge of the bed and sat down as her companion leaned back on the desk. "I'm sorry if I startled you earlier. It just seemed like the easiest way. I didn't know it bothered you."
"Thought casting?" Will asked surprised. "God, no. It doesn't bother me. It's…it's… I love when you do that. But it can throw a guy off a bit when he's not expecting it. And that was a little out of the blue, that's all."
"It was only about a week ago…" Deanna told him, thinking back to when they had so easily shared each other's thoughts.
"I know, but…that's different," Will said a bit embarrassed.
"How?"
"When we're like that…" Will hesitated.
"Making love to each other?" Deanna asked.
"Yeah, that's different than just walking down the hall, minding my own business."
"I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore."
"I didn't say that…" But Will was interrupted by Lara coming through the open door.
Lara smiled kindly at them both. "I apologize for the intrusion," she said approaching Deanna on the bed. "Here are your things. Is there anything that you are in need of? Have you looked through the book to find the amenities available to you?"
Will picked up the book that lay next to him and began leafing through it.
"No, not yet, but I will. Thank you," Deanna answered standing from her place on the edge of the bed.
"I noticed you only brought one photo. Would you mind me asking who it is?" Lara asked cautiously.
Will looked puzzled. But Deanna only smiled quietly. "He's the son of a friend."
"It looked like Raghta beach outside the central city," Lara commented.
"It was, about a year ago," Deanna told her, thinking of the picture of her and Alexander playing on the beach.
"You looked very happy."
"I was…" Deanna whispered.
Lara smiled kindly again. "I will let you get settled and comfortable. When you are ready, I will be waiting for you in the atrium." Lara turned to walk away when Deanna called out to her.
"When?" she asked.
"This afternoon, this evening, tomorrow…whenever you are ready to begin. I will be there." With that same almost musical serene voice, Lara turned. "Commander," she said with a nod of farewell, and she was out the door.
"That's it?" he asked after she was gone.
Deanna only shrugged, equally puzzled. She took her bag to the dresser and began emptying its contents into the drawers. She placed the holophoto of her and Alexander on top of her dresser and the captain's book on a nightstand next to the bed.
"Did you see this?" he asked her engrossed in the book he was holding. "Therapeutic massage, seven kilometers of walking trails, ornamental gardens.
"I tried to tell you," she told him.
"Meals served in your suite five times a day…how do I get my next shore leave here?"
"You could stay," Deanna offered, hoping she didn't sound overly serious.
Will put the book down and looked at her, thinking of what Lara had told him earlier. "You know I can't," he told her.
Deanna tried to smile, as if it had been a joke, but they both knew that was only partially true.
"Deanna, what do you want from me?" he finally asked her quietly, coming to sit next to her on the small bed. "What am I to you?"
Deanna froze, staring back at him, her eyes wide with surprise.
"Maybe it's not a fair question, Maybe now is the wrong time to ask it, but I have to know. I can be whatever it is that you need. I just need to know what that is."
Deanna felt the tears sting her eyes again and she closed them tightly in a vain attempt to restrain them.
He hadn't wanted to upset her. But it was the last question that he needed to ask her. He reached out and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. Her chin quivered slightly as one tear spilt over the dam of her eyelashes and slid down her cheek.
More tears escaped as she opened her eyes and tried to speak. "Imzadi," she said quietly. It was like the desperate call of a child. He wiped at a tear or two that coursed down her face. It seemed that the words in her mind were easier to convey. My friend, she told him.
Will tired not to show the defeat he felt with those two words. He only hung his head for a moment and tried to collect his own thoughts.
Deanna reached out and put her hand on his cheek. Imzadi, she repeated as she ran her hand through his hair and around his neck, hugging him tightly, resting her head on his shoulder. My love.
"Please don't leave me," she cried into his chest. "I can't do it alone."
"It's okay," he told her. "I understand."
She could hear the sadness in his voice when he spoke, the absence of hope. "No," she told him, pulling away enough to look into his eyes. "I love you, so very much. But I can't, not now, not like this. You deserve… something better than this," she told him glancing around the room. "Better than a mental patient. Better than me," she finished softly.
Will lifted her chin to make her look at him. "Don't talk about yourself like that," he scolded her. "I love you."
"How can you love me? I don't even know who I am. I'm… I'm lost."
"I know who you are," he told her.
Deanna began to shake her head, though he still held her chin. "No, you don't."
Will only nodded in return. "Yes, I do. And so do you. You just got lost for a while. You'll find your way back," he told her.
"I don't know," she doubted. She looked into his crystal blue eyes and wished she could feel about herself the way he once had, that she could believe in herself that way. Even he was struggling. She could feel his own doubt and reserve in his heart. She had hurt him, and it wasn't a wound that would be easy to repair.
"Maybe, when I've found my way back… maybe." She closed her eyes again, trying to keep her tears at bay. "Maybe you'll still feel…"
Will smiled weakly and kissed the top of her head. He had felt this way a long time. Maybe it was best to wait a little longer. He held her in his arms for a moment longer before he knew that the moment had come. Lara had been right, he just knew. He pulled away from her. "I have to go now, Dea."
Deanna reached out to him again. "You can stay for a little bit longer, can't you?" she asked.
But Will pulled her hands away from him. He wouldn't let her avoid all that needed to happen by hiding away with him. He slipped off the bed and crouched down in front of her.
"I could, but I'm not going to. I was wrong about a lot of things over the last few months, but not this one. I can't do this for you, Deanna. It was wrong of me to try."
Tears flowed freely down her face as she spoke like a frightened child. "Please don't leave me. Don't leave me here alone."
Will put his hand over her knee and caressed her skin gently. "It'll be okay," he told her.
"You don't know that," she snapped at him, the fear getting the better of her.
Will wouldn't let her throw him off. He would keep his cool. "If you need me, you know where to find me," he told her calmly.
"Just stay a few more minutes," she pleaded.
"I love you, Deanna," he told her. He stood up and kissed her head again before turning and making his way to the door.
He glanced back over his shoulder to get one more look at her. She seemed utterly defeated, grasping onto the edge of her mattress, rocking back and forth as she cried.
Imzadi, she called out to him again. Will stopped in the doorway and turned to face her. She was looking over her shoulder at him, her eyes wet and pleading.
"Goodbye, Deanna," he said and gave her a hopeful smile.
Deanna took one deep breath and gathered her courage. She tried the best she could to mimic his smile.
With a slight nod, Will turned and was gone.
---
He made his way across the courtyard, back into the open atrium where they had arrived. He was emotionally exhausted and when he got back to the ship he needed to send two messages, one to Beverly and one to Deanna's mother, before he could take a quick nap and heading back home.
As he crossed through the building's open areas he saw Lara, the counselor, sitting quietly on a couch near the water feature. She appeared to be meditating, but Will couldn't stop himself from approaching.
"Commander Riker," she said musically, her eyes opening as he drew nearer to her. "I wish you a safe journey."
Will looked back in the direction of Deanna's small cottage and then to the woman in front of him. "So that's it? You wait?"
"Commander, there is a philosophy that therapy will rarely be successful without the patient's consent and awareness of their disease. When she is ready, she will come to me. It must be her own choice."
"And in the mean time… while you wait?"
"We will make sure she is safe from harm, Commander," she told him simply.
"How can you know that, when she is out there, all alone?"
Lara smiled kindly. "There is more than one way to watch someone, Commander."
Will just stood there, watching her, as she closed her eyes again and he realized that she was keeping an eye on Deanna's thoughts and emotions. "She told us that she was okay," he said softly.
"Except she wasn't," Lara answered.
"No, she wasn't."
"Commander, she will not be able to keep up the duplicity here that she could among the crew of the Enterprise. The key is to make it so she does not feel that duplicity is necessary, so that she can return to her life."
"And how, exactly, do you accomplish that?" he asked skeptically.
"She must face her fears," she said simply.
Will sighed. The simplicity of the theory made him uncomfortable.
"Do you know her greatest fear, Commander?" she asked him.
Will opened his mouth to answer the question, but paused, realizing he didn't have an answer. "Do you?" he asked doubtfully.
"Her greatest fear is not what happened to her on the planet, but that what happened altered who she is in some way, that the person she was is gone forever, and that those around her will not accept who she is now."
"Has it changed her?" Will asked quietly.
"Only if she chooses to allow it to," Lara answered him. "The choices are all hers."
Will nodded his acceptance of what she had told him. "Will she be allowed to contact me?" he asked.
"If she chooses to contact you, we will not stop her," Lara answered. "Though we will discuss the benefits and hazards of her actions, whatever they are."
Will furrowed his brow slightly, unsure if he liked the answer he heard.
"You left at the right time, Commander. Don't doubt yourself. You did the right thing to bring her here and now the hardest thing is leaving her behind. Have a safe journey," she told him again with a smile, and then closed her eyes again and returned to her previous activities.
Will walked away slowly, back to the main section of the room. He realized, not for the first time, that he didn't really care for physiologists, being psychoanalyzed or for their know it all attitude. Maybe he was just uncomfortable with having someone prying in on his mind. It didn't feel like prying when Deanna was digging around in there, telling him how he felt when he would have preferred to not acknowledge it. It was more like a gentle warm embrace. With a small shake of his head, he pulled out of his memories and touched the badge on his arm, activating the transporter beam that would return him to the shuttle.
….
Deanna woke to the sun pouring through the window of her small bungalow. She rolled over and let herself enjoy the view for a moment before forcing herself to think about where she was and why she was there.
Finally she sighed and pulled herself from the bed. She had spent the rest of the previous day, after Will left, alone in her room, struggling for a grasp on her emotions. The head doctor had come to visit with her concerning her medical treatment, and a small woman had brought her something to eat in the afternoon and evening.
By the time the sun was setting over the water that evening, the tremors had returned, as well as the pain in her head and back. By midnight, her stomach was turning and her mouth was dry. She had called the doctors at 02:00 and he had given her an injection of something. It let her sleep, and now Deanna's trembling was more bearable, and the ache in her back could almost be ignored.
Deanna sensed the woman at the door as she had the night before. She waited patiently, but did not knock or do anything else to announce her presence.
Come in, Deanna called out to her.
The woman came in with a tray of food and a box. She set the tray down on the desk and brought the box to the bed.
You are finally awake, the woman told her smiling kindly.
"What time is it?" Deanna asked stretching out her back and wrapping a blanket around her to fight the shivers.
"After mid-day," the woman spoke. "You should eat and this came for you today."
Deanna looked at the box lying next to her. It was unmarked. Perhaps it was from her mother. She lifted the lid. Inside was a crystal dish of some kind. She carefully lifted it out of the box and removed the lid. Inside the shallow bowl, there was water and lying in the liquid, a simple blossom. A muktok blossom.
As Deanna moved the bowl, she could hear the slight tinkling of the flower. She smelled the sweet perfume.
"It's lovely," the woman told her.
Deanna smiled again, then reached into the box and found a card. There was no doubt whom it was from, certainly not her mother. She opened the card and saw his handwriting and it brought a smile to her face and filled her with strength.
You're not alone,
Will
Deanna folded the card again and held it tightly. The woman who had brought her the gift was walking out the door. "Wait," Deanna called. I don't know your name.
Myra, she answered.
"Where would I find Lara?" Deanna asked quietly.
"She'll be waiting for you in the atrium whenever you're ready." Without another word, Myra turned and left Deanna alone.
Deanna carefully carried the dish to her bedside table. It tinkled with every slosh of water with every step. This was it. It had gone on long enough. She reached down and touched the petals of the flower gently. The way home was waiting for her.