Hey peeps!
School today. One word to sum it up – meh. We have a new school building, and it's all really exciting. The best bit – we have a huge library! It's got tons of new books in it and is bigger than the local library that we have! I love it so, and when I discovered it I obviously had a massive freak out. Here comes the bad bit – I freaked out, unaware that I was being observed by the Neanderthals who like to mock my mathematical ability. So they mimicked and made fun of me. That was a great start to the day. Sorry to bore you with my troubles – I just want to talk to someone.
I'm not too proud of this chapter, but then, being me, I'm not too proud of any chapter. I'm actually pleasantly surprised that I get as many favourites, follows, reviews as I do!
Enjoy the chapter!
TRIS POV
Tuesday goes by extremely quickly. I don't see Tobias, because he has school and I think Marcus is back early tonight, but I spend my time practicing my solo assessment piece. I have perfected every detail now, and all that needs to happen now is the performance. Whenever I feel a nervous flutter in my stomach, I think about Tobias. Yes, the flutter increases the more I picture the kiss in my mind but at least it's not nerves for the assessment.
My phone buzzes. I pick it up and see I have a text from Christina.
Why was Four grinning so much at school today? ~ Chris
I smile broadly. So it seems I wasn't the only one acting like a madman.
Why should I know? I wasn't there. ~ Tris
I set my phone on the edge of my keyboard and begin to play the piece once more. Halfway through my phone buzzes again, but I can't bring myself to stop in the middle of it so I finish quickly and check my text.
Because you two are close, and he didn't walk home the normal way yesterday. Were you with him? ~ Chris.
I reply quickly.
You stalk the way he walks? ~ Tris
I stalk the way everyone walks ~ Chris
I laugh. Knowing Christina, she probably does. My phone buzzes in my hand as a new text comes through.
So don't avoid the question. ~ Chris
Okay. Don't freak out when I tell you this, okay? So, he came over to mine after school yesterday and we talked. Then, he told me he loved me and we kissed. He gave me a necklace. ~ Tris
I can only imagine her having a panic attack right now. I crammed my whole night into three sentences, as I want it to stay private between Tobias and I. I just couldn't not tell Christina. She's my best girlfriend.
WHAT? TELL ME EVERYTHING. ~ Chris
I'd love to, but it stays private. I have to go now, Christina. See you tomorrow. ~ Tris
I don't really have to go, but I know that Christina would continue nagging me about details, and I would eventually break. I flop into bed, a smile playing on my lips at the thought of seeing Tobias tomorrow.
PAGE BREAK
I've missed the constant chatter of school, but I had no idea how much I did until I came back into it. People have no consideration for those who might be working, and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Before I left the house this morning my parents reminded me that I needed to go see the principal about my assessment. So I head to his office and knock twice on the door.
"Come in." He calls.
I enter the room and sit down on a chair. I smile at him nervously.
"Ah, Miss Prior. Something tells me you have come to see me about your music assessment?" I nod, and wait for him to continue. "As I'm sure your parents already told you, you will be doing it at lunch time today in the cafeteria. Your music teacher has willingly given up her time to judge you there, so I would be grateful. I take it you are ready?"
"Yes, sir." I say. He nods and indicates to the door.
"Well then. Go to class. I'm sure your friends are waiting to see you." I smile a great, big, genuine smile and leave. The bell is about to go, so all my friends are already in class. Disappointingly, Tobias isn't in this class, and I will have to wait until break until I get to see him again. Or kiss him again…
No. For years I have mentally insulted and bullied PDA. I will not succumb to the want. I never really saw high school romance as anything special, and I always thought they would be stupid and pointless. The real stuff would happen at college. But this – what I have with Tobias – feels so real I don't feel like it will ever end. And I don't want it to. But then, do I really dismiss my judgement to quickly when I get a boyfriend? For years I thought all high school romances would end in heart break – and the cases I have seen so far have. So why, when Tobias tells me he loves me do I suddenly becomes forgetful? I don't want this to end in heart break.
I walk into class a minute before the bell and am immediately greeted by a bombardment of hugs from all my friends, well, except Marlene and Shauna who have first hour with Tobias. Someone hugs me extra hard and judging by the girly perfume, I know its Christina.
"You and Four!" She whisper shouts into my hair whilst unknowingly suffocating me. She lets go and I take in a long breath. I look around and see Zeke and Uriah standing on front of me awkwardly. I smile at them.
"Guys, I'm so sorry." I say. They grin, and engulf me in a bone crushing hug.
The lessons go by quickly. Break comes, and as I head to the cafeteria someone tackles me from behind. Marlene.
"Hey!" I say.
"Hey to you too." She replies. We walk in silence, although there is nothing uncomfortable about it. Shauna greets me as I enter the cafeteria, but my eyes are all for one person. Tobias is already seated at a table, looking down at one of his school books. I walk towards him quickly, the rest of the group walking behind me at a slower pace. I have only told Christina, and I presume Tobias has only really told Zeke and Uriah, so the rest have no idea. Tobias looks up when he sees me and breaks into a huge smile. I sit down next to him and hug him lightly.
I laugh as he breaks away from the hug and tugs my chin gently towards him. His lips meet mine softly, and I just about melt. I feel fireworks go off in my body just as strongly as they did on Monday. I don't think I'll ever get used to the feeling of being kissed by him, and to be honest, I don't really want to.
I pull away and look into his eyes.
"Hi." I breathe.
"Hey." He returns.
"I didn't think you'd be one for kissing in public." I say.
"Me neither. But I couldn't resist." Before I can reply, I am cut off by a bunch of 'awws' from behind, and I take that as a hint to move away from Tobias. We were sitting so close it would be considered publically unacceptable, and I don't want to embarrass any of my friends. Zeke punches Tobias lightly in the arm, whilst Uriah rests a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head slowly.
"You've gone soft, Four." Zeke states.
"Really?" Tobias asks. "I can prove that I'm not." And with that he punches Zeke in the arm, with what I presume is all his might. Zeke howls in pain, and I would laugh with the group, but all I can think about is Tobias being replaced by Marcus and Zeke being replaced by Tobias. Tobias crying out in pain… skimming the clutches of unconsciousness closely. I wince visibly, and Uriah gives me a curious glance. I shake my head and try to forget the image.
"When did you two…" Marlene starts. I smile at the memory of Monday evening, all thoughts about Marcus down the drain. I wished that night would never end, but it did. However that brings me to now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Monday." Tobias says, and Zeke and Uriah's jaws drop.
"No way." Zeke looks at me. "After what you did to us? Seriously? If you believed us you didn't need to be so mean!" I shrug my shoulders, ignoring the questioning look Tobias shoots me. It's funny, really, how I am told that the boy I like, likes me back but I don't believe it, but then give it a few hours and I'm kissing him.
"Sorry guys. But it didn't make logical sense. That just… wouldn't happen. Not with me." I say, a little sadly. People ask what happened, but I don't answer. Not any. I don't need the whole group to hear my self-doubts, least of all Tobias who would just find a way to prove against each of them.
The group falls into conversation about homecoming, and surprisingly, when I tell Christina that I never even planned on going she doesn't force me into it anyway. I guess she's going, but not with Will. Even with the lack of boyfriend, Christina wouldn't miss homecoming for the world. I know that if I am eventually forced along I have a dress in mind, one that has gathered dust at the back of my closet for years now. It is sized for someone my age, but surprisingly also for someone of my height. It fits perfectly, but I never found the occasion for it. It would be nice to wear it at least once – but to homecoming? I never liked the idea and I don't think I will now.
I check the time on the large clock on one of the walls. We have five minutes until class starts again, so I stand up and grab my bag off the floor next to me. Swinging it over my shoulder, I see Tobias rise also. My head swims – he's going to walk me to class. This is just too perfect.
We leave the cafeteria together and I try not to notice the knowing and smug looks the group sends in our wake. As soon as we're out the room, Tobias turns to me.
"What was it that Zeke and Uriah were talking about?" He asks.
"Nothing." I say a bit too quickly, and I can see the suspicion on his face grow.
"Tris. Please, no secrets." I feel guilty, keeping this from him. I know he has told me about Marcus, which is definitely his biggest secret. I still haven't told him mine – my fear of intimacy. I can't bear to think how he'll react when he knows I've been keeping things from him like this.
"I'm sorry. I know. This won't work if we keep things from each other…it's just-" I find myself unable to continue. I knew he'd want to know, but when I think about it, all I'd be telling him is how much I put myself down. But if I'm not going to tell him about my fear – then I can at least tell him this, right?
"It's just, Zeke and Uriah came over Monday morning. We talked a lot… and they mentioned that you liked me, in that way…. And…" I struggle for a way to continue, but now that I've already started I might as well finish. "And… and I chucked them out of my house."
"What? Why?"
"I thought they were pulling a prank – trying to get my hopes up and then ruin them. I had no reason to believe that someone like you would ever like someone like me." Words tumble out my mouth before I can stop them, but it feel good – talking about it. Even if it is to the worst person possible given the subject. "What they said just brought me down and all I could think about was how it would never happen and how you –" He cuts me off with a kiss. It's short, but sweet. It reminds me of all the reasons I love him – but I would never tell him that. I wouldn't be able to do it.
"I think I should be thinking about why someone like you would like someone like me, Tris. Not the other way round." I look down to the ground, ashamed, but he puts two fingers under my chin and lifts my head up to look him in the eye. I notice how close he is and my heart flutters.
"You're beautiful, strong and independent. Please don't think differently." I nod, not totally convinced. Tobias is meant to say those kind of things – being my boyfriend.
He lets the matter go and walks me towards Drama.
PAGE BREAK
Lunch comes sooner than I'd like, and before I know it I am walking into the cafeteria, regretting that I never asked what I would be performing on. Will it be on a table? Or just the ground? And where will the piano come from?
My worries dissolve as I enter the cafeteria, and I see a little keyboard on a stand at the front of the room. Mr Brice stands next to it, and he smiles when he sees me and beckons me over. When I get there, I look across the room from the front realize that it looks so much bigger from up here. Jolts of panic course through me and I have to look away, right to the piano where the familiar keys bring comfort.
"Attention, everybody!" Mr Brice calls, and everyone quietens down. "Tris here was unable to complete her music assessment, so she will be doing it here, today and now. Please be respectful." I look at him wildly – is that it? Am I performing now? Is this my part?
He cocks his head towards the keyboard and I move to stand next to it. I let my fingers graze the keys lightly, not making a sound and I feel immediately safer. This is what I excel at – time to show everybody that I'm serious.
I play the introductory bit and start.
Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style, someday.
Oh dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world, to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waiting round the bend,
My Huckleberry Friend, Moon River and me.
I finish up, adding a few trills along the way. The applause I get is immense – one that I never would have got if the school class system was still up. People respect what I do now, and I am more than grateful for it. I walk over to where I spot the gang, my head bent down and the blush creeping up on my cheeks. My friends slap me on the back lightly and give me hugs. I don't kiss Tobias – over half of the school is still looking at me. Instead I sit down and kiss him on the cheek.
"Tris, where did you learn to sing like that?" Christina asks.
"More importantly, why have I never heard it? You were amazing." Tobias says and I laugh.
"The reason you haven't heard it, Four, is because for a long time, you actually were Four." He laughs too, and I'm glad that he gets what I mean – that I didn't know he was Tobias and he never cared. I can tell the group don't get it.
"What do you mean? He's still Four…" Zeke trails off.
"Not to me he's not." I smile smugly.
"No way! You know his real name?" Uriah blurts out and I nod. "He didn't even tell Zeke and me his name, and we went through some weird stuff together." I raise my eyebrows and Marlene laughs. I notice that Uriah has his arm around her waist.
"Wait." I say. "Am I missing something?" The group frowns when they don't understand the sudden subject change. "Are you two together?" I indicate to Uriah and Marlene. They both blush and move away from each other slightly.
"N-no." Uriah stutters out.
"Well get on with it. We're all here growing old and still waiting for you to actually move your fat arse, Uriah." Zeke says.
"I could say the same to you." Uriah replies hotly and jerks his head pointedly towards where Shauna sits next to Zeke.
"You're seriously using what I said against me? That takes a whole new level to stupid."
"At least I'm not…" Uriah struggles to find something. "Failing chemistry." Zeke snorts and Uriah's face flushes.
"I'm not. But you are." We laugh at Uriah's expense, but I can see that he's not upset by it.
"You're not seriously using what I said against me?" Uriah mimics his brother who mumbles something incoherent under his breath and goes back to eating, defeated.
"You know, Zeke, you would seem less of an uncultured swine if you actually responded and not being defeatist." Will says jokingly. Zeke raises and eyebrow and rises to his full size, puffing out his chest to show off his muscles – and boy, he has muscles. He walks over to Will slowly, who shrinks in a failed attempt to hide. Christina snorts at her ex-boyfriend's actions, her intentions obviously cruel. Zeke grabs Will's arm and pulls him up to stand on front of him. He pulls an arm back, like he's about to punch him and I gasp – Zeke looks like he's going to put a lot of power behind it. Will cowers slightly but stands his ground. The punch is thrown but not received – I breathe a sigh of relief when Zeke's arm flies around the back of Will's neck and pulls him down in a headlock and rubs his fist on Will's head. I have never understood why guys do this – is it like a show of strength or something?
"Mate, I actually thought you were going to clobber me there." Will laughs, only half joking.
"Yeah, well I only punch people who deserve it. Like Edward. Speaking of Edward, where is that son of a bitch? I could honestly kill him for what he did to you, Tris." I narrow my eyes.
"You knew? All you saw is that I attacked Lauren. Where did you learn that Edward had anything to do with it?" I look at Tobias suspiciously – he was the only one who was near enough to hear what Lauren was saying.
"Well, er, long story. Shall we save it and get back to beating the crap out of Edward?" Zeke says awkwardly.
"And get suspended like I did for fighting? Zeke I wouldn't let you do that for me." I say in a baby voice. He gets up once more and tackles me in a bear hug from behind, laughing in my ear.
PAGE BREAK
Tobias and I sit in my bedroom, me at my keyboard chair and him on the bed. We laugh at a joke he made, but my laughter is soon cut off by a rough kiss. I melt into it for a bit – but I really don't like the heat that comes with it. I feel nothing but uncomfortableness as he pulls at my t-shirt, obviously wanting it gone, but I shake my head, no.
Still he persists, and as my stomach starts to show a jolt of fear runs through me. I can't do this – what he wants to do. I can't do this, and I can't let him force me. This isn't the Tobias I know. I don't like it.
My t-shirt comes up further and I swot his hand away, but it just keeps coming back. I break away from the kiss.
"Tobias, stop." I say firmly.
"What, don't you want to have a good time?" He asks, his eyes glinting with menace. I was mistaken when I said this isn't the Tobias I know – this isn't Tobias at all. He never acts like this – so why should he start now when our relationship was going so well?
"No. I'm not ready." Fear makes my voice waver slightly and he takes this as indecision and starts back where he left off. This time I am not ready, and before I know it my t-shirt is lying discarded on the floor. I bring my arms up to cover my bra, but he pries them away. Panic is now coursing through me and I need to get out. How do I get out of a situation like this? Fight back? I could never harm Tobias – firstly he wouldn't let me, he's too strong and secondly it would weigh down on my conscience forever.
But this isn't Tobias, I remind myself. He wouldn't act in such a way.
I let him pry my arms away from where they guard my chest and as soon as they fall to the side they come back up and punch him in the temple. This he wasn't expecting and in his haze of dizziness I bring my other fist up and punch him in the eye. Whilst he is subdued, I get up and run to the door. Swinging it open I run down the stairs and into nothingness.
I wake up drenched in sweat. Another nightmare, about the same thing. But this was worse, far, far worse. I know in reality Tobias would never do that, but the thought springs to mind that he might not want to be with me anymore if I tell him.
Stop being so stupid. I tell myself. Tobias said it himself – he loves you. And although you haven't told him back you have never doubted his devotion before, even if it has only been a few days.
I sit up and swing my legs out of bed. I need to tell Tobias – I need to warn him about my fear. It's not fair to him if I have dreams like this and will be afraid to go near anyone the next day like I did the last time. I don't know how he will react, but I want him to know.
I check the time – 7am – and decide that I will go have a shower.
Maybe that will erase the dirty feeling off my skin.