((Pairing: None
Song: None
Genre: agnst
Side-notes: ...))
Crimson drips condensed drops of life. Sighing I feel the numbness return. Spreading through my chest and infecting my mind. My thoughts slow as a sharp spreading pain blossoms from my hip. My thoughts swirls mimicking the red lines being painted down my leg and pooling below my feet to be trampled upon by more sinister thoughts. The numbness seems an almost blissful friend, a merciful companion to the biting screaming pain. Twisting I lift the gleaming metal to my lips. Tracing the edge of pity and hate with my tongue I smile at the sickly sweet taste coating my mouth and settling the line between emptiness and splitting from too much. Sighing I finish up with four quick and uniform lines, all on top of the older scarred lines. Punishment rather than release for me. Setting down the blade amongst the white rag stained with brown and faint hints of red and the tape to hold my skin together. To keep my thoughts from bursting out and opening up too far. Smiling slightly I pull out the rag. It takes too long to clean up this time. The small pool of blood tries too hard to spill my secret and the lines dry down my leg trying to stain my skin with the unsaid words. But at least all that is left is the rag, more red than brown now. White tissues stick to my leg held together by the tape. Reaching down I grab for my next weapon. A stranger one this time. Yet somehow more cruel than the last. Duct tape holds it together almost like my tools hold me together when I'm like this. The fire is lit with a careful precision that comes with practice. The lighter set aside as soon as it has cooled and the dripping stick starting to cry hot tears. Usually it's only the blood pooling around my feet that cools my mind and set my screaming mind to sleep. This time they are still too loud. It's been a long time since I've had to use these. The blue starts to swirl in with the clear and I realize I am stalling. I don't know why I am . It's something I want, something in my deepest heart I crave with my whole being. Smiling slightly I tip the candle and let the burning wax drip onto my arm. My hand clenches involuntarily and I flinch away from the pain. I used to be able to hold it upside down for minutes on end and drip the molten tears onto every part of my arm, but not even the slightest drop of wax brings tears to my eyes. The pain fades depending on how spread out the wax drop is and how thin the layer is. Slowly my arm is painted blue by the calming pain. Before I am aware what is happening my wrist is coated in blue and my mind is silenced. Sighing in happiness I blow out the candle. Quickly I tip it over, letting the final collected drops to fall to my arm giving my hand one final clench before relaxing completely, content in my self destruction and glowing in the aftermath of pain. I never cry during these times. Crying is something else. It acknowledges the screaming pain and that's reserved for nights when I can't work up the motivation to stand, let alone pull open the drawer and pull out my tools. Crying is for the nights when it hurts to move and when the weight of the world drops on my chest. Slipping out of my thoughts I notice that everything is ready to be packed away for the next time I need it. I peel the wax off my skin, cringing as it pulls away the tiny hairs on my arm. Somehow the pain feels more real and I recognize it as the signs of coming back into reality. Sighing I scrape away the little bits of wax left on my arm and stand from my bed. Grabbing the candle and lighter I wander back to the rag and blades. Quietly I pull open my secret drawer. The candle and lighter go in first the candle under the broken lighter crammed right beside the cup filled with hardened wax. The blade is tucked away where no one will find it and the rag fits over everything. Closing the drawer I also close away my mind. Empty I wander back into bed and pick up my phone. Plastering a smile onto my face I reply to my friends with genuine smiles and peace, yet even as I am content with everything around me my mind still wanders to the drawer and all the secrets it holds for me.