Diamond
Pokemon-
Chimchar (Punchy)
Buneary (Hoppy)
Hippowdon (Sandy)
Murkrow (Poopy)
Diamond's bad at nicknames…
Pearl
Pokemon-
Piplup (Humpy)
Ponyta (Brokeback)
Staravia (Orgy)
Dawn
Pokemon-
Turtwig
Shellos
Drifloon
Jack
Pokemon
Chatot (Jesus?)
Riley
Pokemon
Gallade
Rhyperior
Regigigas
Marley
Pokemon
Crobat
Arcanine
'Twas the night before Christmas, When all through Diamond's house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The assholes broke in, taking great care
Hoping their favorite emo would be there…
"MERRY CHRISTMAS DIAMOND!" Several people shouted at once. I fell out of my bed out of shock. The sheets fell over my head, obscuring my view of them. I felt a hand come over to my head. It swiftly tossed the sheets off of me.
All of my friends/enemies were there. Riley was the one who took the blanket off my head. He was wearing an elf's hat and an even bigger smile than usual. He held out a hand and helped me to my feet. I scanned around the room. There was Riley, Marley, Jesus, Jack, Cynthia, Sharon, Malcolm and for some reason, Commanders Saturn, Jupiter, Mars and Cyrus. The only people missing were Dawn and Pearl. I looked at everyone one of them suspiciously.
"Merry Christmas disciple!" Riley said joyously.
"Uh… did you guys break into my house?"
"Yes we did. Most people would wait until morning to come in regularly. But we like you so much Diamond, we came at 5 in the morning, broke down your door, bound and gagged your mother and tossed her in the closet just to bring you presents!" Everyone in the room pulled out a wrapped Christmas present from behind their backs. Riley was so overexcited that he hugged me around the neck.
"AHHH! GET OFF ME YOU FAG!" I shrieked pushing him off. This didn't lower Riley's mood one bit. He shoved his present into my hands.
"Open mine first!"
"Okay…" I muttered, slightly annoyed. I ripped off the paper and took off the top of the small box. Inside, there was a watch made of solid gold. Tiny diamonds were encrusted next to each number. "Holy crap!" I said out of amazement. This Christmas suddenly didn't seem so bad to me anymore. I slipped it on my wrist and goggled at it. "Wow Riley… how could you afford something like this?"
"Oh. I didn't spend any money on it." My brow furrowed. I suddenly like this again…
"Then how'd you get it?"
"Well, I was walking past a cemetery when I suddenly remembered that I forgot to get you something. I started to panic but then I saw a funeral in progress. The dead guy had that watch on his wrist and said to myself 'Wow! That watch is really nice!" So when the mourners left I dug up his grave and politely asked the guy for the watch. He was being really rude and didn't even say anything! So I told him that I hope he went to hell and slipped it off his wrist. And now it's yours! YAYNESS!" He clapped joyously. He didn't seem to notice the disgusted look on my face.
"Uh… thanks Riley…"
"Your welcome disciple," he said poking me in the nose. "I'm gonna help Pearl downstairs now." The others moved out of his way as he made for the door.
"Wait! What's Pearl doing downstairs?" He snickered and grinned at me.
"You'll see…" He said and went downstairs. I opened the window and tossed the watch out of it.
"Fucking maniac…"
Marley sighed and came towards me. She was wearing fake reindeer antlers and red nose. She was also wearing the sourest expression I've ever seen. Her present was a giant slab of meat with a ribbon on it.
"What the hell is this Rudolph?" I asked. She glared venomously at me.
"Shut up asshole. Riley forced me to wear this crap…" She turned on her heel and stomped angrily out of the room.
"Hold on! You didn't tell me what kind of meat is this! What is it? Tauros meat?"
"No but it's from a Pokemon that eats Tauros…" Marley said before slamming the door behind her. The rest of the gifts were just as awful. Each person gave me their gift one at a time and then left. Jack and Jesus gave me a heavy stone cross with the phrase 'We must all bear our own crosses' engraved into it. Cynthia gave me freakin' dog biscuit… Sharon gave me a book about tolerance to gay people. Each member of Team Galactic first punched me in the stomach and then gave me their present. Every one of them gave me a used condom…"
"Why did you assholes even come here?" I asked tossing the condoms out the window.
"We have absolutely no idea…" Cyrus said before closing the door behind them.
"Ugh…" I grunted. I flopped down on my bed. I really wanted to go back to bed but I had to make sure Pearl didn't do anything stupid to my house… I guess it could wait…
"DIAMOND!" Pearl shouted. He kicked the door open again. He and Dawn filed in and sat down next to me on the bed. "Merry Christmas!" They both said. I yawned.
"Merry Christmas…"
"Come on, have more enthusiasm than that! We worked hard on making these presents for you dude!" Pearl complained. He pulled a black cape from out of the box he was holding and handed it to me. I turned it around. In big gold letters, the words 'Soaked Scrotum' were emblazoned.
"What the hell is this?"
"You're 'Soaked Scrotum'. You know, the second half of our superhero team! We're now the crime fighting duo of Orgy Homicide and his faithful sidekick, Soaked Scrotum!" He said excitedly. I glared at him.
"… I hate you Pearl…"
"That's the spirit!" He patted me on the back and raced back downstairs. Idiot…
"Um… D-Diamond?" Dawn stammered. She was blushing when she gave me my present. "I really hope you like it. I spent a lot of time knitting it for you." I opened the box. I lifted the pure white sweater out of it. I shoved it over my head and over the shirt I was already wearing. It was the single most itchy thing I've ever worn. As soon as it made contact with my skin, I started scratching myself manically.
"Do you like it?" Dawn asked hopefully.
"It's, uh… itchy… what's this thing made out of?" I asked scratching all the while.
"Just some threads that Pearl gave me…" She looked disheartened all of a sudden.
"Even though its itchy as hell… I have to admit, it's the only good present I've gotten today… Thanks Dawn." She blushed again and smiled at me.
"Your welcome."
"So what's Pearl been doing downstairs?"
"He set up a huge Christmas party. Come on follow me!" She grabbed my wrist and led me downstairs. I used my other hand to scratch at the sweater some more. My jaw dropped when I saw what Pearl had done. He moved all of the furniture against the walls. He painted the walls red and green and hung lace from the ceiling. He gathered live Pichus, put them in jars and hung them from the chandelier. Two tables were placed in the middle of the room. Only a huge vat of eggnog was placed in the middle of the tables.
It would have almost looked nice if it wasn't for the giant rusty menorah on the opposite wall. It took up almost the entire wall. Each branch's candle holder was big enough for a person to sit in. In fact, people were sitting in them. Jack, Marley, Sharon, Cynthia, Jesus, and Pearl each sat on top of one of the branches. Dawn climbed on to the menorah and took her spot on the seventh and final branch. Riley stood in front of the menorah. He was holding a conductor's baton. A music stand filled with sheet music. The four commanders were sitting at the base of the menorah.
"What the hell did you guys do to my house?" I asked out of amazement as I surveyed my surroundings.
"Not us Diamond. Pearl did all this," Riley explained.
"I'm almost afraid to ask but why did you get a giant menorah Pearl? You do know I'm not Jewish right?"
"I was too lazy to go chop down a tree so I stole this from the temple down the street."
"Uh… don't they need it for Hanukkah?"
"Well… kind of… but I persuaded with a little song I wrote," he said mischievously. Jack, Jesus, Cyrus, Saturn and Pearl all cleared their throats at the same time.
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
Sharon, Cynthia, Mars, Jupiter and Dawn all began to sing. Riley pulled a sheet of music out and started conducting.
(Note from RTJ: The following song is done to the beat of Carol of the Bells. The girls sing the majority of the song; the guys just sing the DING DONG parts. If any Jewish person gets offended by the song, first off, XD. Second, I am deeply sorry if it offends you in anyway. I don't hate Jews, I just felt like writing a song about them and Hitler… which makes me wonder if I need medications…)
Hello all you Jews
Hanukkah's here
Pack up the dreidels
The end is surely near
Each year he comes back
To pile Jews into stacks
All Jews run in fear
For Hitler is here
He comes back from hell
Only on Hanukkah night
To burn synagogues
The Jews run in fright
He rapes the latkes
And skeets in your sheets
All through the night
He eats all the feasts
He rapes the men
He burns all the hens
He smashes the dreidels
He steals babies from their cradles
RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER
RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER
On and on he goes
He rapes all the hos
Messing up all Jew homes
Until morning he roams
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER
RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
Hello all you Jews
Hanukkah's here
Pack up the dreidels
The end is surely neaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr…….
They all ended abruptly. Riley clapped for them vigorously while I just stared at them as if they were insane (and about half of them are…).
"That's what we used to scare them into giving us the menorah," Pearl said.
"I- You- Why…? When did you practice- why did you prac- ah fuck it…" I stammered. I took a seat at the table and guzzled down a cup of eggnog. There was no point in making sense out of this group…
The motley crew lingered around for almost the entire day. By midday most of us were buzzed on spiked eggnog. We held unusual (to say in the least) activities and events throughout the day. Pearl and I took turns shooting fire crackers at each other.
"How dare you betray me- hiccup- Soaked Scrotum!? I l-l-loved you like a gay guy loves Madonna's music!" Pearl drunkenly said before tossing a firecracker at me. I dodged it by lazily bending over backwards. It landed in the vat of eggnog and exploded, sending eggnog in every direction.
"Hehehe… I loved you too Orgy Homicide but…" I wiped some of the eggnog off my face and drank it. "This eggnog seduced me. It molested my balls and spanked my pubes with a ruler. Hehehehehehehe… I couldn't get away from its black hole-like sexuality! Haha… I have sexy nipples…" I lifted up the itchy sweater that Dawn gave me and sniffed at my nipples. "Ahhhhhh…"
Uh… right… other things happened at the party too like Marley flashing her boobs at Jack under the mistletoe (he fainted after that). Dawn had trouble holding in the liquor and vomited all over Mar's new dress. Riley, Cyrus and Saturn joined together in singing various Christmas carols. They forgot the words halfway through each song though…
Oh, Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree
Um… something something, vaginas!
By nightfall, the booze was wearing off. The lights were beginning to dim because the Pichus were slowly losing the strength to use their electricity anymore. My headache after that was so severe that I collapsed onto the floor next to Dawn. She had an extremely upset stomach after throwing up on Mars.
"Ugh… my head…" I whimpered. I sat upright again and looked at Dawn. She was holding her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah… I'm fine. I just have trouble holding in the liquor…"
Pearl, who had previously been sleeping in one of the branches of the giant menorah, awoke suddenly and pointed over to us.
"Hey… look who's under the mistletoe…" He said sheepishly. Everyone turned their head towards us. I looked up above. It was the same mistletoe Marley flashed Jack under.
"God damn it…" I muttered. I glanced at Dawn. She was blushing even harder than before. She seemed to notice this because she pulled the scarf over neck to over the entire bottom half of her face.
"Hic! There's no need to be- hic- shy! Come on- hic- give each other a kiss you two!" Riley jeered. He was still partially drunk on eggnog. I looked into Dawn's bright blue eyes and she stared back into my brown ones. We slowly leaned toward each other at the same time. Our faces were only inch apart from each other when…
"OPEN UP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" A voice boomed, right outside the front door. Whoever it was knocked loudly.
"Oh thank you Jesus…" I said feeling relieved. I got up and made my way to the front door.
"Huh? Someone say my name?" Jesus asked. He had been sleeping under a pile of our discarded plastic cups. I ignored him and opened the front door.
An extremely obese old man stood in the doorway. He wore a bright red suit and a cap just like Riley's. He was glaring at me poisonously.
"Who the hell are you? Santa Claus?" I questioned.
"Yes," the fat man said.
"Yeah right. If you're really Santa Claus then what did I want for Christmas when I was six?"
"World domination. Now step aside so I can beat the fuck out of Pearl!" He tried to get in but my put my arms across the doorway, keeping him out.
"If you knew that I wanted world domination, how come you didn't get me it?" I stopped believing in Santa Claus after that Christmas…
"BECAUSE NUCLEAR WARHEADS DON'T FIT IN THE FUCKING SLEIGH!"
"Oh… that makes sense I guess…" I let him come through the door in this time. He charged up to Pearl and tried to pull him off the menorah. Pearl clung onto one the branches as hard as he could. Santa was going berserk trying to pull Pearl off.
"GET DOWN HERE BOY!"
"What did Pearl do to you Santa?" Dawn asked. She had gotten up as well. She refused to look me in the eye. I suppose she was embarrassed by what almost happened too…
"This little bastard shot down my sleigh, bound and gagged me and shaved off every last hair on my body!"
"I can't help it Santa! I do terrible things when I'm high!" Pearl shouted back in defense.
It was only until now that I noticed that Santa's hair and beard were missing. I scratched at the sweater again. A horrible thought came across my mind.
"Hey Pearl?"
"Yeah?" Pearl asked, still trying to withstand Santa's furious tugs on his pant legs.
"When you gave Dawn the thread for this sweater did you give her Santa's hair instead?"
"Maybe…"
"No wonder this thing's so itchy. It's covered in lice!" I shrieked as I scratched uncontrollably.
"No wait. I didn't give her Dawn Santa's hair... from his head… I gave her his pubic hair…" Pearl admitted. Santa finally succeeded in pulling Pearl off. He took out his a massive sack and stuffed Pearl into it. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! LET ME OUT OF HERE!
"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M COVERED IN PUBE LICE!" I screamed. Santa's grabbed me by the collar and shoved me into the bag as well. He slung us over his shoulder and made for the exit.
"These two motherfuckers are gonna make toys for me until my hair grows back!" Santa exclaimed. He dumped us into the back of his sleigh.
"Uh… how long did it take for it to grow before?" Pearl asked.
"AN ETERNITY!"
"But why do I have to go with you too?" I asked.
"I'm gonna have you stitch my pubes back on to my balls."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Pearl and I screamed at the same time. The sleigh started pull up into the sky. I pulled my head out of the bag and looked back down on the ground below us. Everyone at the party was waving at us.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS DIAMOND AND PEARL!" They all said in unison.
"FUCK YOU GUYS!"
I know I promised a chapter about Pearl's uncontrollable boner but I it dawned on me this morning that I had to make a Christmas special instead. So, I would like to wish every one of my readers an early Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwan- actually nobody celebrates Kwanzaa so forget that one… Anyway, this is only a side story so none of the events in this chapter actually happened in the real plot of the story. I know you some of you were dissappointed that Dawn and Diamond didn't kiss but oh well... GET OVER IT! Before I go once again, Read and Review or get your ass beat!