The Anniversary
Written yesterday for the 20th anniversary of Johanna's death.

Asking for help had never been something that came easy to her but over the years, she'd learned that she was surrounded by family that were always there for her. Today was a hard day. It didn't matter the justice she'd found; the truth she'd bought to light. There would always be days when she wished she could pick up the phone, ask for advice, tell her Mom something funny or something wonderful that had happened to her, share stories, triumphs, heartbreaks, even just complain about work or something as mundane as having a cold. 20 years without her mother. She thought about it all.

She had to admit, the weight was a little easier to bear than it had been. She had someone to shoulder it with, the man who'd helped her get justice, helped her find the truth. She was blessed with this sweet, amazing man who'd held her quietly this morning as the weight of the day had settled. He'd kissed her, told her to take all the time she needed while he went to tend to Lily

She'd dreamt of her Mom last night. It was a little blurred and she couldn't remember all the details but she could clearly see her Mom playing with Lily, telling her how she reminded her of a little Katie, all laughter and endless questions and a stubborn streak to find the answers. She told Kate to hurry up and join them, she was missing out on all the fun just standing there. It hurt to wake to the realization that it was a tender moment that could never be but when she told Castle he simply said "Maybe that's your Mom telling you how proud she is, of you and Lily. You're Dad always tells you how much seeing you together reminds him of you and Johanna."

It had gotten a little easier over time. She wasn't on her own any more. She'd found her Dad again. She had the love of an amazing man. They had the most amazing kid. She had support like she'd never imagined she'd find in her life after that day 20 years ago. It didn't stop the longing, didn't stop her missing her Mom but it helped on those days, like today, when she felt the absence more keenly.

She stood at the dresser, her Mom's ring in her fingers. She didn't wear it after closing the case but she did look at it, remembers how her Mom would play with it the way Kate does with her wedding band when she's thinking. She could smell the breakfast Castle was making. Pancakes. He'd serve them to her and Lily, a smiley face for the both of them. His way of trying to help on days when he felt like he couldn't do much more than be there for her.

She heard the patter of feet and turned in time to see Lily fly through the door, looking for her. She put the ring with its chain back in her jewelry box, closed the lid and pressed a kiss to her fingers and pressed them to the photo of her Mom. Lily tugged on her sweater, holding her arms out for Kate to pick her up.
"Morning, little flower," Kate greeted her, cradling her head as Lily snuggled into her arms. She walked over to the bed, sitting down before tipping back with Lily on top of her, eliciting giggles from the little.
"I have a surpwise for you Mommy," Lily told her. "Daddy says you sads cause of Gamma today and we make it better."
"I miss her a lot today. But cuddles with my silly Lily always make me feel better," Kate told her.
"Daddy said dat too," Lily tapped her little hand against her chest. "Daddy said to come hug Mommy and tell you bweakfast is weady when you are. Daddy made my fav'rite! He made your fav'rite too."
"Daddy made chocolate chip pancakes, huh?" Kate snorted at the enthusiastic nod her daughter gave against her, her head tucked under Kate's chin. Lily had a sweet tooth and could wrap her Dad around her finger to indulge it.
"And there's coffee for you," Castle told her from the doorway. "With a little something special added."

Kate let Lily roll of her, sitting up and beckoning Castle to her to pull her up from the bed. He pulled her straight into her arms, kissing her
"We made you breakfast," He told her. "If you're up for it that is." Kate looked up at him with a smile and kissed her thanks gently across his jaw.
"And I mades you a picture for your Cap'n desk," Lily told her, as she took her Mom's hand and led her through the loft and into the kitchen. Kate couldn't stop the laugh that always bubbled up when Lily called her desk at the 12th that, made sure Kate knew to take it to work with her and not on her desk in the loft. Lily sat at the table and picked up the drawing she'd done, colorful swirls and blobs, and showed it to Kate, who could make out that it was a drawing of the family, Lily in the middle of her and Castle, playing at their swings.
"This is fantastic," Kate told her. "I can't wait to show Uncle Javi and Uncle Ryan us playing with Daddy."
"Wuv you Mommy," Lily told her as Kate leant over Lily's chair to hug her. Lily climbed onto her knees, turning in the seat to hug Kate properly.
"Love you Lilypad," Kate told her, resting head to head with her little girl.
"To da moon and back."
"To the moon and back." Kate agreed, rubbing noses with Lily before she let go, making sure Lily sat back in her seat properly before slipping into the seat next to her. Castle served them both pancakes and handed Kate her coffee, heart floating on the top. She took a sip and could taste the hazelnut he'd added from the syrups that Alexis had bought her for Christmas.
"Dis one is for Gwampa," Lily continued showing off her artwork. Kate looked over it, heart in her throat as she looked at more colorful swirls and blobs, and could see the people they were meant to represent. The red swirls were clearly Alexis and Martha, the small swirl Lily with her and Castle and her Dad on the otherside and at the top of the page... "Dat's Gwampa and dats my elepant and dats you Mommy and dats Daddy and Wexie and Gwam. And Gamma watching over us."
She had to close her eyes for a moment. Oh sweet, sweet Lily. Sweet Lily with her fathers tender heart and caring nature, always trying to make her family smile.
"Grandpa is going to love it. We'll give it to him tonight at dinner, okay?"
"Wuv my Gwampa."
"I know you do sweetheart," Kate smiled. Lily would make him smile today. If anyone could do it, it was Lily. She'd made everyone's life so much
"Wuv Gamma too."
Oh her heart. She looked up at Castle who watched the two of them, offering his wife a sympathetic smile and a look of pride for the amazing kid they were raising.
"You can tell them both that later. We'll see Grandma after breakfast and then after your nap this afternoon Grandpa will be here." Kate helped Lily cut her pancakes and made sure she started to eat her breakfast, not having an appetite herself but eating her own pancakes to encourage her daughter.

She'd always miss her Mom. Always wish she could experience the joys that were Richard and Lily Castle. Knew she'd have adopted Alexis as a granddaughter right away, would have forged a friendship with Martha. Hell, she'd have probably become friends with Gates and taken Lanie, Ryan and Espo under her wing as well. She hoped her Mom was watching over them at this minute, that she saw this family she'd made and knew that her daughter still loved her fiercely.

AN: My youngest cousin never met my Grandad, he was born a few years after he passed away but every picture he drew of our family always included him looking down at us from heaven.

Lololava wrote a really sweet fic yesterday about the visit to the cemetery and why they take Lily. Please read it!

Rest in peace Johanna Beckett.