(;´・`)

24

I Get Awfully Sick

I knew that I couldn't tell Levi that I loved him.

There was just no point.

He let me curl up, sniffling and sickly, in the passenger seat while he drove. Window slightly open, cigarette in his mouth as always. This image had become so comforting that it relaxed me just looking at him. Made me feel that I was someplace safe—even as Erwin's words continued bouncing around in my head. I imagined Levi's hands, gripping the steering wheel, choking the life out of someone. I thought of how, only a few days ago, he had pinned me down on his couch with fists clenched and teeth bared. But then I remembered how those same fingers felt when they lingered upon my skin, or smoothed my lips, or brushed through my hair. And I was comforted. Levi glanced away from the road for a moment to see me staring at him, dejected and probably pretty pathetic looking. Eyes back on the road, he reached over and ruffled my hair. I closed my eyes and imprinted the feeling of it in my mind.

"You gonna tell me what happened?"

I tried very quickly to think of some excuse to give him. Why the hell would I admit to him what Erwin had told me? That would probably have just made him angry or irritated—moods of Levi that I was not willing to bring out at the moment.

Maybe it's better if I tell him the truth?

"Oi, Eren. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

"Well..." I heard myself grumble. He moved his hand down to my cheek and pinched it lightly.

"You're still crying, babe. Just tell me."

"I, um..."

"Oh, so now you know how to shut up?"

Do I tell him?

"I'm just sick of everything," I finally stuttered. He pinched my nose for a few seconds, and then put his hands back on the steering wheel.

"Everyone is."

"I just...I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore."

"The point is, Levi doesn't really want you."

"He doesn't actually care about you."

Murder.

"Like what, with your mom? With me?"

"Everything, just everything."

"If you're sick of me I'll turn the car around."

"No, no, don't, please," I stumbled. Before my brain could process the words. He glanced over at me and for a moment I hated him for playing with me like that. I turned away and slumped down in the seat and stared at the road. We were driving toward the city.

"I just want answers," I murmured.

"Ask questions."

"Why does everybody tell me to stay away from you?"

"Because I'm really fucked up."

"Why?"

"I've seen and done lots of shit."

"Like what?"

He paused.

"See, that's what I mean," I continued. "Okay, fine, I'll ask something else. What were you doing before you got arrested?"

"Living on the streets."

"Alone?"

"No."

"Did you go to school?"

"When I was younger."

"When did you stop?"

"High school."

"Why?"

"Didn't have the means anymore."

"What did you do after that?"

"I told you. Live on the streets."

"What were you doing on the streets?"

"Now you're just rephrasing the first question," he sighed.

"Well, you didn't answer it."

"Why would that change now?"

"Mikasa told me that you were a thug wanted by the police."

His fingers tightened around the steering wheel.

"Eren."

"Why were you wanted by the police? What were you arrested for?"

"Eren, stop."

"Where do you go when you and Erwin disappear?"

I was losing track of myself. Wasn't thinking anymore.

"Eren."

"Why did he get you out of jail in the first place?"

"Eren!"

"Why do you know about the people that killed my mother?"

"Stop it!"

"What is so dangerous about you that Erwin essentially threatened me?" I screamed. "Why did he sit me down and look me in the eyes and tell me to stay away from you? Why did he tell me that you're a murderer, and that you're just using me to fill some fucked up fantasy of yours?!"

The car stopped so suddenly and so joltingly that my face nearly hit the windshield. The seatbelt pushed the air from my chest and I coughed, while a car honked behind us. Levi's face was shadowed, staring at the ground, the cigarette crushed between his teeth. The tears were rushing down my cheeks and my voice was cracking and I hadn't realized that I had been screaming. And when he looked up at me, with his ice-cold eyes and colorless face, I came back to my senses.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean..." I began to stutter through my sobs, not sure what I could possibly say to fix this situation. "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it, I—"

I was interrupted by another car honking. Levi reluctantly continued to drive. I didn't know what else to say so I just sat and let myself cry. Just as we were about to enter the boundaries of the city, he stopped at a gas station. I stayed in the car while he went inside. He came back with more cigarettes, a box of disposable rubber gloves, a pack of beer, cranberry juice, a gallon of water, and a bottle of vodka. I didn't ask why. Then we continued driving in silence. I didn't ask where we were going because I didn't particularly care.

We pulled into the parking lot of a little hotel that I'd never seen before. With his plastic bags, Levi got out of the car. I followed, hastily wiping the tears with the back of my sleeve. At the reception, Levi told the man that he had a reservation under Ackerman. He gave us the keys and I followed Levi to the elevator and we went up to the room.

"Go to the bathroom and wash up. You look like a mess."

I nodded. We took off our shoes and our jackets and I went into the tiny bathroom and cried for a few more minutes, until I was dry, and then I washed my face. I was surprised that Levi was actually okay being in a place like this because it wasn't terribly clean. Grime on the sink and the bathtub, sheets clearly not washed very well, windows streaky and curtains dusty. But I was glad we were here anyway. He must have made the reservation after I had called him.

When I came out of the bathroom, Levi was swirling some liquids around in a cup.

"Don't sit on the bed until I clear it off, it's fucking disgusting. And take off your jeans."

He handed me the cup and, with a pair of the disposal rubber gloves, ripped off the top sheets of the bed and tossed them to the corner. The white sheets underneath looked much more clean. I took my pants off and sat down on the bed. I took a sip from the cup. It was vodka and cranberry juice. He poured himself some water, took off his own pants, and sat down beside me.

"Are you just trying to get me drunk so I don't ask more questions?" I said.

"Yes."

"It won't work."

"I know."

"I'm sorry I said those things."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

"Yeah."

"It's mine. And Erwin's."

"He took me to dinner and told me that I'm poisoning you."

"You? Poisoning me?"

"Yeah. He said you're just using me because of something that happened to you in the past."

"That might be true."

"Oh."

"I don't think so, though."

"You don't?"

"No."

"Do you care about me?"

I knew the answer. I knew it because of the phone calls. I knew it because of the way he had looked at me and said, Don't go after them. I knew it because I was here, in this hotel.

"Yes."

"That's why you yell at me."

"Yeah."

"And that's why you won't tell me what I want to know."

"Mhmm."

"So you're not just using me?"

"I don't know."

"He told me that you murdered people."

Pause.

Terrible. Infinite. Deafening.

"I've never murdered anyone."

"But you've killed people."

More silence.

"Why?" I whispered.

"There were things I needed to protect."

"Important things?"

"More important than anything."

"Do you regret it?"

I knew the answer to that, too.

"No."

"Oh."

"I lost it all anyway, so maybe I should regret it. But I don't."

I reached up and touched the tender tattoo on the back of his neck. Still new, still fresh. He held his cup of water and stared down at his feet. I wanted him to light another cigarette.

"Right. You don't have any regrets."

"None."

"I wouldn't, either. Not if it was for protecting something important to me."

"Even if you lost it anyway?"

"Yeah. Even then."

"Maybe you're as fucked up as I am."

I smiled. It wasn't a happy smile. It trembled, but I managed it. Levi nodded toward the cup in my hands.

"There are a lot of skeletons in his closet you don't want to see."

"Drink up."

"What if I don't wanna get drunk?"

"Then don't drink up."

I drank.

Vodka, beer, more vodka, more beer.

Watching him smoke cigarettes as my brain became cloudy and I couldn't really speak anymore. I heard music and I asked him to turn on the TV, just for the noise. I grabbed his hands and we jumped on the bed together. I was awfully glad that Levi had gotten me drunk. Now I didn't have to think about anything or anyone, didn't have to think about my mother or Mikasa's mother or Levi and his mysterious past or Erwin and his terrifying blue eyes. (He knew that, of course. He always had a knack of knowing what I needed better than I did.) I just had to think about dancing with Levi in this hotel room, surrounded by smoke and falling into a haze. I knew I wouldn't throw up. Levi wouldn't allow it.

Standing on the bed, vision blurry, words slurred, I lifted Levi by the waist and I kissed him. Felt the pressure of his arms around my neck as he kissed me back. I couldn't see the expression on his face, and I didn't particularly care. He tasted like cigarettes and it made me horny, I guess because I had come to associate cigarette smoke with Levi—and also because I was shitfaced. I asked him for another beer and he said no.

"L...Levi—babe—I want y...I want you to fuck me."

"I'm not going to fuck you, Eren. You're too drunk."

I collapsed on the bed and dragged him down with me, suffocating him and pulling him into my embrace.

"I'm not—ah—drunk!" I kissed his forehead over and over and over. "I'mmmmm perfectly sober..."

He let me hold him.

I'm not sure why.

I don't know why Levi really put up with me that night.

I don't know why he gave me beers and mixed drinks for me and let me hold him.

But he did it, and it was what I needed.

"Leviiiiiiiii!"

"What?"

"I'm sleeeepy."

"Oh, no you don't. I'm sobering you up before you go to sleep."

"But I'm tired."

"Wanna wake up with a hangover?"

"Fuuuuck."

He forced me to stay awake—made me go out onto the balcony—danced with me—played with my hair and gave me lots of water—put on a movie for me.

I don't know how drunk I ended up getting, or what time it was when I was starting to sober up.

"Feeling all right, Eren?"

"Mhmm."

"Better than before?"

"Yeah."

He helped me go to the bathroom and wash up. He had brought an extra toothbrush and forced me to use it. Then we got under the covers together, but I was still a little bit drunk, so he wouldn't let me go to sleep. I rested my body in the crook of his arm and ran my fingers along his stomach while he closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows.

"I'm sorry you lost your really important thing," I said.

He took a deep breath and squeezed my shoulder.

"I know what that's like. I lost my really important thing, too."

"Shh..."

"It hurts. It really, really hurts."

We sat like that for a while. Every time I was close to falling asleep Levi would smack my cheek and yell at me. Until I had essentially sobered up (it must have been really early in the morning).

"Thanks, Levi."

He responded with a kiss to my forehead.

We curled up under the covers, and I rested my head on his chest. Moving up and down with his steady, musical breaths. I felt my eyelids begin to droop, felt slumber take over my senses. I wiggled my fingers, reaching up until he intertwined his fingers with mine. As I closed my eyes, he kissed my knuckles, while his other hand drew patterns on my bare shoulder.

"Sleepy?" he murmured.

"Mm."

I wrapped both my legs around his beneath the sheets and pulled myself in tighter, until I felt that I really could fall asleep and never wake up. His breath fell upon my head and my consciousness started to fade.

"Hey. Eren."

"Mm?"

"Do you believe in God?"

I thought about the answer for a few moments—as well as I could through the fogginess in my mind.

"Only when I'm lying here with you."

I basked in the simplicity, in his warmth, in the way he squeezed me more tightly when I said that. He kissed my knuckles again, and there was desperation in his lips. He kissed them again, and again, and again, each time pressing his lips for longer.

I realized something, Levi.

No, that's wrong.

I remembered something.

I don't care if you're just using me.

Use me until you've gotten everything you can.

Then I was asleep, and the last thing I heard was my name falling from his tongue.

I was on edge for the next few weeks. Winter break (and final exams for the semester) was fast approaching, I needed to start working harder, I wasn't sure what my plans were for Christmas and New Year's, and, as always, I was still in the dark when it came to Levi. It wasn't as pitch black as it had once been, but I was still fumbling, still had no idea where I was. It wasn't that I had fewer questions—but I think that I knew the right questions to ask now. It was frustrating and ridiculous and it was driving me insane. The truth, and how accurately it was evading me, started to fill every single blank space in my mind. I knew that if it were to go on like this, I would slowly lose my mind.

But, of course, I had known the risks when I had given myself to him.

When I had sacrificed myself to his whims, his secrets, his shadows and his dark pasts, for the moments of unparalleled bliss and completeness I found in him.

I learned quickly that being able to anticipate something really has nothing to do with whether you can actually handle it. Like knowing you're about to be whipped, but screaming in pain anyway.

I still didn't tell him that I loved him.

Not yet.

And I avoided Erwin Smith at all costs, which meant being very careful when I wanted to see Levi because they were so often together. But I think both he and Levi were aware that I didn't want to see or talk to him (for the sake of my sanity), so they made things easy for me. Thinking back on it, I truly hadn't been expecting Erwin to be so...ruthless, I guess, is the only word to describe it. Whenever I thought back to our dinner, my heart felt suffocated and I needed to close my eyes and find myself in the turmoil of my thoughts again. I spent most of my time with Armin and Mikasa, letting them ground me and motivate me to study. Mikasa didn't talk about her mother at all, so Armin and I didn't bring it up. We knew she was hurting, and we didn't want her to hurt more.

On the Friday two weeks after Levi and I had gone to the hotel, I slept over at his place. I was exhausted and not in the mood to go out like we sometimes did on Fridays, so he let me lay around on his couch and Hanji made me ravioli. We talked, though I can't really remember what we talked about. I was concentrating very hard on the image of Levi sitting on the sofa, reading a book and sipping his tea. After Hanji went to bed, I clambered beside him and whispered his name. He glanced at me, but then continued to read. He was teasing me and I knew it. I began to kiss his neck. He made no moves to resist or stop me. I pushed my tongue against his salty skin and drew figure eights, dragging my tongue and grazing his neck with my teeth. I swiped it toward the center, just below his chin. Moved it up, swiveled it, sucked on his skin and bit down until I knew it would leave a mark and I could hear him gasp. He leaned his head back and let the book he was holding fall to his lap.

With a kiss to his bruised skin, I pulled away and grabbed his hand. He was watching me, so I watched him. I brought the tips of his fingers to my parted lips and kissed them. He moved them along the line of my lips. I opened them more widely and laced my tongue along his skin. Wrapped it around the slender, quivering fingers that were sliding deeper into my mouth. I closed my eyes and I took them in, moving my tongue in circles, between his fingers and along the top of his palm.

"Eren..."

I opened my eyes, slowly, making sure that he was watching. Then I moved my hand down and pressed it up against his crotch. I saw his body respond, saw his mouth open, saw the flutter of his eyelids, and I reached up for his lips. But just before they met his, he turned his face away, leaving me only his cheek.

"Levi?"

"I'm...not in the mood."

"Oh. Um, okay."

You seemed pretty in the mood a second ago.

I pulled away and just sat beside him. He continued to read. I decided to brush my teeth and get into bed. As I walked past his desk, I glanced at the photos again. They were so simple and nice. I sat down on his desk to look at them more closely. I wanted to take in every single detail. Even the one with Erwin—I wondered how soon after they'd met it had been taken. It had to at least have been a few months, maybe a year. They looked comfortable with each other.

Hoping that Levi wouldn't come in, I grabbed the picture of him with his two other friends. Isabel and Farlan. I wondered why he never talked about them, except for when he had shown me the little hilltop and the lake. Just the fact that the picture was on his desk meant a lot, I assumed. He didn't have many. Then, as I was returning the picture to its place, another caught my eye. One that hadn't been there the last time I had checked.

It was me.

Levi was on my back, his head on my shoulder, arm outstretched to take the picture. I was staring at the camera with bright eyes and red cheeks and my smile was very toothy, reached from ear to ear. While he was stoic and calm on my back. The picture he had taken at the bus stop that day. Gentle, glistening snowflakes surrounded us. A laugh was caught in my throat while I looked at it.

Just before I curled up in bed, knowing that Levi wouldn't be joining any time soon (but not knowing why), I took one last look at the picture of Levi, Farlan, and Isabel. And as I looked at it, I found myself confused.

I couldn't tell if Isabel's eyes were blue or green.