Hobbies and Not So Epic Tales

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Bored knights were a menace. It was to be expected they'd be at loose ends, Merlin supposed, especially once he'd put an end to 'sword cricket' and its evolutionary descendent 'sword ball', but some things were too much!

At first it was the questions: Why do we have to learn how to use a fork when we eat so much take-away with our fingers, Merlin? Why do you drink milk, Merlin? Only infants do that! Why can we not have horses, Merlin? When can we go to the tavern, Merlin? Why does your house not have a moat, Merlin? What's Victoria's Secret, Merlin? It doesn't look like she'd have much left to hide. Are jellybeans real beans, Merlin? What do you mean monarchs have no real power anymore and are mostly tourist attractions? And what is a tourist attraction, Merlin?

However, as annoying as that got to be, it was almost worse when he left them to their own devices. He couldn't have a cold drink anymore because they kept stealing his ice cubes for rousing games of "How long can you hold your hand in an ice-filled jug for?" He got a bilious feeling every time he went to relax in his own sitting room because, amazed at the number of colours available at the paint store, they'd done his walls in stripes of seven vastly different hues. Another time, he'd gone to use his camera and found over six hundred badly framed pictures of Gwaine - blurry elbow here, shaggy chin there - apparently taken by the knight himself. And his phone bill shot into the stratosphere because they were steady making international calls. How they'd learned to do that, Merlin didn't quite know, but as to why, he found out it was because they didn't believe him when he'd explained how other parts of the world were at different points in the day. It was their unshakeable belief that if it was night where they were, it was night everywhere, and hence the five phone calls to a funeral home in Tasmania made in order to check.

Finally, things came to a head not long after Arthur and the knights, decked in full regalia, came to him while he was sitting in the garden and reading, and told him they were going on a quest.

"A quest?" Merlin asked. "What sort of quest?"

"To rescue poor souls most horribly stranded in isolation," Arthur announced.

"Poor souls? What poor souls? What are you talking about?"

"That starved fellow in the red tunic and his crew-mates."

"Uh, you'll have to clarify that a touch more, Sire."

"The lost sailors and passengers of the valiant little ship Minnow," Leon added.

It took Merlin a few moments to place the name, but when he did, he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. "Oh, Gilligan and the castaways! No, you see it's…" he trailed off, suddenly envisioning a few days of quiet. "You know, that's a very noble quest, my friends. A fine quest indeed."

"Merlin, are you suffering from some sort of affliction?"

"Why do you ask, Sire?"

"Your face is doing this… thing."

"Don't worry, it's nothing bashing my hand with a hammer a few times wouldn't cure. But getting back to this quest of yours, let me wish you the best of luck!"

"Don't you want to come with us?" Elyan asked.

"I would love to, but who knows what might happen while all the household's protectors are away? Therefore, I really think I'd better stay to watch over Gwen and Gaius."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Of course you do, Merlin, you big girl's blouse! Fine, let's be off, men!" he exclaimed, waving them vaguely southwards.

"You need to go that way to get off the property," Merlin said helpfully, pointing towards the drive.

"We know that, Merlin!" Arthur said, quickly changing direction.

"Of course."

"And try not to be too much of an idiot while we're gone," Arthur called back as Merlin waved them goodbye.

"I'll do my very best, Sire," Merlin reassured him, his mouth twitching spasmodically as he tried to hold back the lunatic grin tugging at his cheek.

Four very relaxing days later, after he'd had the knights released from the psych ward of the hospital where they'd been held over night, he did his best to console them. "Oh, cheer up!" he said. "You did make it to Falmouth Harbour! That's quite impressive! And if you'd succeeded in commandeering that hotel's fleet of jet-skis, I'm certain you would have made it all the way! Still, it might be time for you lot to consider getting some proper hobbies, don't you think?"

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Truthfully, I'm not sure about this one. I originally wanted to do something different with the hobbies idea, but then this came out. Is it too silly?