Chapter Twenty Four

"Confessions"

I slept restlessly. I couldn't decide whether it was an unconscious reaction because I wanted to be sure Henry was still here, beside me. Or if simply the pain medication wasn't strong enough and my discomfort was waking me. But either way, every time I woke, Henry was there, as close to my bed as possible, still holding my hand and offering me a smile every time he saw my eyes flash open, before soothing me back to sleep, assuring me he was going nowhere, at least until dawn, and that he loved me.

At some point during the night, I had been given a stronger dose of pain relief…maybe Henry had told them I wasn't sleeping too well. Which meant by the time I woke properly, the sun was streaming in through the window and I had missed Henry leaving at dawn, missed the presumed kiss he had left upon my head as he'd said goodnight, and I sighed regretfully about that.

My sigh alerted Vicki who was sat in the chair vacated by Henry, though she was pushed back towards the window, her feet resting on the window ledge as she sipped at a cup of take out coffee and flicked absently through a magazine.

"Morning," she smiled, tossing the magazine onto the floor. "Well, almost afternoon," she amended as she checked her watch. "Sleep well?" she asked, shuffling the chair closer.

I squinted in the bright sunlight and frowned at her. What did she mean sleep well? Didn't she know I had almost practically choked to death mere hours ago? Yeah, slept like a baby! I rolled my eyes at her.

"What?" she asked upon noting my expression. "So, how you feeling?"

"Rough," I managed to rasp, my voice sounding exactly how I felt.

"Hardly surprising," she responded and drained her coffee cup before setting it down on the bed side cabinet. "I think you scared Coreen half to death - more than any of the freaky shit we've had to deal with."

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Anyway did Henry tell you what's wrong? That you have…pneumonia?" She held back on some of the information there.

"No," I shook my head. "But…I heard," I added, relieved to discover it was slightly easier to talk now and my voice was slightly more than a hoarse whisper.

"You heard?" she frowned in puzzlement and waited for further explanation.

"I heard some stuff, when I was…was sedated," I stumbled over my words as I began to cough slightly, wincing when it hurt my throat all the more. But at least it was pretty normal sounding coughs - not the deep barking of before. I guess my lungs had a way to go yet in healing though.

Vicki flustered around, trying to find something to soothe my coughing and poured some water into a cup for me, before placing a straw in it. "Sorry," she apologised when she saw my reluctance of using the straw - I didn't want to be babied, but I suppose it was a necessity right now. I drank greedily, the cool water actually feeling quite good on my sore throat.

"Well, you're going to get better in no time," she promised.

I knew she was lying - the doctor had said I'd be here at least a couple of weeks. And, with the severity of the infection this time, I knew my body was losing it's battle, it wasn't able to defend itself anymore. The infections would only become more severe until one finally killed me. And there wasn't much chance of avoiding another infection - unless they were planning to stick me in a sterile bubble.

"Though, erm…remember that promise you made, that if you got sick you were going to tell Henry the truth?" she asked. I nodded, knowing what was coming already. "Well…you're going to have to make good on that promise because he suspects more than ever now and I think whatever he's imagining is maybe worse than the truth. So…you and he need a nice long chat," she patted my hand as she smiled at me, making it sound as though we were going to discuss the weather or our opinions over the latest new movie.

I nodded solemnly. It was not a conversation I was looking forward to - it would be extremely difficult. How did I explain to him that I was trying to protect him? When I knew he would be furious I had kept this to myself? Denied him the chance to help. Or perhaps he would simply be so angry with me he would walk away, assuming I had lied to him and resumed our relationship under false pretences. But I hadn't, I honestly thought his love had cured me. Yeah, I know, a complete fool right?

So, I was almost grateful that for the next two or three days I faded in and out of a drug induced sleep. Slowly they lowered my dosage until I was able to stay awake for hours at a time, rather than minutes. The pain wasn't so bad now, my ribs still ached from all the coughing I'd done and the small bouts that still afflicted me, but my throat was much better - just a little tender, like having a dry throat rather than acute tonsillitis. The oxygen mask had been replaced with c-pap nasal tubes that first morning I had woken and now they had been removed all together, being able to breathe alone - though they were close by should I have a relapse or need the extra help. My annoying beeping friend had been detached from my heart, so thankfully that no longer bothered me. And, upon Henry's request and probably down to his affluent reserves, I had been moved to a posh private room now.

"You look different," Henry spoke from my doorway, where he leaned against the jamb, watching me sat up in bed reading my well loved, but tatty copy of 'Twilight' once more.

I looked up and smiled at him, by the time I'd raised my head he was already at my side, with yet another bunch of flowers - my room resembled a florists as it was! "Thank you," I smiled and took them from him as he continued to scrutinise me. "Coreen was over earlier…she helped me shower and washed my hair for me," I explained the difference in me he'd probably noticed.

"No, there's more. You have some colour back." He brushed his fingers down my cheek and continued down my throat. "You're starting to look…better," he smiled in relief and then pressed his lips against mine.

"I feel a bit better too," I replied, it was nice to feel coherent, rather than under a fog of drugs. And then I gulped suddenly - realising what that meant - if I was feeling better, it was time for that chat, wasn't it? The sudden gulping had caused my lungs to protest in a coughing session. Henry brought me some water.

"Thank you," I whispered, sipping it as the coughs subsided. My chest liked to remind me every so often that I was not forgiven for making them so sick and sore, though my latest x-rays showed that the shadows were slowly clearing and breaking up.

"Better?" he asked, setting the cup down and perching himself beside me on the bed.

I nodded and stuck the bookmark into my book before putting it down on the table.

"Good," he smiled and kissed my forehead lightly, brushing my hair back from my face. I closed my eyes and leant into the caress the way a cat nuzzles it's much loved owner. "Are you up to talking?" he asked suddenly.

My eyes flashed open and a look of alarm must have flashed across my face as I leant back from him.

"Or not," he offered. "I can wait until you're up to it."

I took a deep breath. "I guess you have some questions for me?"

"I do….but we can do them later. Don't worry…"

"No," I sighed. "We'll talk now…it's probably best."

"Am I about to find out what's been happening with you? The truth of what's wrong?"

I nodded and looked down at the stark white sheets of my bed. "Yes…" I mumbled. "And…I don't think you're going to like it." I twisted my fingers together anxiously and looked up towards his face. "But, please…just listen first whilst I explain and…"

"Good evening honey." One of my nurses wandered in - squeaky shoes from that first night. "Just wanted to check on your IV and see if you need anything."

"I'm fine," I answered her irritably. Normally she was my favourite nurse - friendly and kind, yet firm. A grandmotherly nature to her as she cared for me. But, I had just summoned the courage to tell him everything and she was interrupting.

"Oh, I see your young man finally made it in tonight." She smiled at him as she stuck the thermometer in my mouth, I swear she fluttered her eyelashes at him as I rolled my eyes. He picked up woman without making the slightest effort - even those more than old enough to know better! "Visiting hours end in half an hour love," she reminded him, checking her watch as she checked the level of my IV drip.

"I'll be gone," he promised her with his winning smile. I knew he wouldn't - he never was. Henry had the perfect ploy for managing to stay with me all night every night - he just wiped the nurses memories, made them forget they had even seen him and he always got away with it.

"Ooh, more flowers? They're beautiful,. I'll go put them in water for you." She grabbed the bouquet before I could tell her it didn't matter. "I'll be right back," she promised, pulling the thermometer from my mouth, glancing at it with a sigh and shaking her head. "Still above normal," she muttered as she left the room.

I looked at Henry and sighed…knowing I'd have to wait now until she returned with the flowers, and then I wondered where she was going to put them - just about every flat service was covered with vases and displays of some description - including the amazing black roses that Coreen had brought for me, and I fought with the nurses over ever day because they were convinced they were dead and wanted to throw them out.

Henry and I simply sat and looked at each other until she returned. I was searching for the right words in my head, practicing my speech, trying to decide how to tell him…and how much of the truth he needed. He was going to be mad and upset and I wasn't sure I could deal with his emotional outburst right now - but it had to be done. Perhaps then I would stop worrying about it, stop having reoccurring nightmares of telling him.

Once the nurse had miraculously found a space for the flowers and reminded Henry he only had half an hour, he turned to me and took my hand. "You were saying…" he started.

I sighed deeply and bit my lip for a moment. "Okay…first, you have to know…and don't be mad…but I didn't tell you for your benefit…I had my reasons and I'll explain when I'm done, so, please…just listen for a moment, okay?"

"Okay," he replied warily and let go of my hand.

"So, remember what happened with…Sinead?" I asked and he snarled at the mere mention of her name, I took that for a yes. "When she, she stabbed me? And tried to cast some spell or curse on me?" I reminded him unnecessarily - I knew that still haunted him and he still blamed himself - this was going to be a disaster. Suddenly I wished I had Vicki here to keep him calm for me, or at least try to. "Right, well…" I continued, not daring to look at the expression on his face, picking at a loose thread on the white cotton sheets. "She did curse me." I cringed at the sound of the sudden angry growl that left his throat. "When she stabbed me, something….evil entered my blood stream…it must have been on the blade or something, we're not sure how it happened. But.."

"We?" he asked.

"Erm, yeah. Other…people have been helping me in trying to find out what happened. Vicki, Coreen…Dr Rajani, and…Sagara…" I added and screwed my eyes shut as I said her name, hoping I hadn't dropped her in it - he would be furious with her that she'd hid things from him too.

"How long have you known?" he wanted to know. His voice was cool, distant and I recognised the tone, he was fighting to keep it under control.

"A…few months. I started to suspect something when I kept getting sick…I thought it might be connected. Which is why I came back here initially, for Vicki's help. We've been doing research and that…and then, a few weeks back, shortly before you and I got back together. Rajani found something strange in my blood…a bug that is killing my white blood cells. We don't know what it is yet and we don't know how to…

"You've known for this long!" he interrupted me, the control on his voice slipping as he wrenched his body out of his seat and paced the room.

"I didn't want to worry you….I didn't…I didn't want to make you feel guilty, to blame yourself and…"

A furious snarl ripped from his throat and then the icy breeze blew my hair around my head, fluttered the get well cards over on my bedside…and by the time I looked up, he was gone - the door closing slowly by itself.

I sighed deeply and bit my lip in an effort to stop the flow of tears already threatening to spill from my eyes. But it was futile, they poured down my cheeks and a huge sob escaped, followed by a burst of coughing as I flung myself back down onto my pillows and cried. That had gone terribly…complete worse case scenario. I had expected him to yell, to rant and be mad that we'd kept it from him. But I hadn't really envisioned him storming out on me like that.

"Damnit!" I sobbed into the pillow and thumped the bed. If he didn't come back…then I didn't care if I never recovered from this damn lung disease…I'd rather die than be without him. Because I'd been without him once before, I knew how it was to merely exist and I wasn't going through that again - I wouldn't survive the next time.

I'm not sure how long I lay there sobbing to myself, trying to work out if I could have said things differently, made it sound not quite as bad, broken it to him more gently - but I guess there was no way to do this easily. Maybe I should never have kept it a secret from him in the first place, but it was too late to think of that now - it was done.

I cried myself to sleep in the end, only to wake an hour or so later with sore, red rimmed eyes. But still I managed a weak smile when I caught sight of Henry sat watching me, an unreadable expression on his face, anxious, apologetic and in torment.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, reaching out a hand and gently running a fingertip under my puffy eye. "I never wanted to make you cry."

I offered him another weak smile and caught his hand, holding it close to my chest as I sat up a little bit. I didn't know what to say, fearing I would only make things worse if I said the wrong thing, so we sat in awkward silence for some time.

"You should never have met me," he eventually sighed deeply and took his hand back, folding them across his chest.

I nodded sadly and fought back the threat of tears once more. "You're right," I agreed. "I'm sorry, I have been terribly cruel. It was selfish of me to come back to you, when I knew…to offer you hope and happiness when I know it might not last. I'm a horrible person," I hung my head as one tear dripped from my eye and splashed onto the sheet. This was the end then…he was saying goodbye, I'd hurt him too much.

His gentle fingers under my chin lifted my face to meet his - his look was incredulous, startled even. "I meant me," he amended. "You shouldn't have met me because of the mess I've caused in your life. I'm a bad choice for you. I.."

"What? No…don't say that!" I shrieked and grasped hold of his hand again, afraid he was about to walk out of the door and I would never see him again - a replay of that last time I had been in hospital and he'd uttered similar words to me.

"But it's true, if you had never met me, you would never have been cursed, you wouldn't be lying here right now so sick." You could hear the remorse in his soft voice as he kissed the back of my hand. "You could have been happy and…"

"I am happy, you make me happy." I interrupted him.

"Okay then, let me rephrase that." He flashed a wry smile. "You could have had a normal happy life…found someone who can give you all the things I can't, found someone better for you than me."

I scowled at him - did he not know me at all? Hadn't we been through this once? "Without you I would have merely existed, I wouldn't have been living."

"You can't know that." He hung his head as he shook it slowly.

"Well, you can't know I'd have had a happy normal life. Henry…we tried being apart, you tried leaving me and it didn't work out - we were miserable without each other. We're meant to be together you and I. Meeting you was my destiny and I will never regret that and you will never make me."

Silence followed as we both just looked at one another, each trying to absorb what the other had said.

"I'm sorry I ran out on you before and led you to wrong conclusions. That I left you alone to cry. I was just so angry and.."

"With me?" I assumed.

"No…with this whole situation. With the world…with myself. I caused this," he whispered harshly.

"You did not Henry! That dumb bitch did!"

"Either way," he gave in, realising we were never going to agree on that subject - he would always lay blame upon himself, no matter what I said. "I had to calm myself down before I did something I might regret, before I had taken it out on you. I had to get my head straight before I could discuss this rationally with you. Why didn't you tell me? Is this why you kept pushing me away when you knew I still loved you? Why you lied to yourself about me?"

I nodded again. "I was selfish, I know that now. I…told myself I was keeping it from you to protect you, I knew you would blame yourself and I didn't want to do that to you, I couldn't leave you to suffer this regret for eternity. I didn't want you beating yourself up about it or regretting me. But, then I realised I was being selfish. I just didn't want to see you feeling that way and I wasn't brave enough to witness that. When all that would achieve is my leaving your pain and guilt for someone else to deal with. I would have spared you nothing."

"You silly girl," he got up off his chair and perched on my bed again, pulling me into his arms. "My feelings - me, I am irrelevant when it comes to you, your health…your life." He kissed the top of my head as his hands ran up and down my back comfortingly.

"Your feelings matter to me," I whispered into his chest.

"I don't deserve your love and devotion," he returned the whisper. "But now I can help, we've wasted time. I have all those books at my place. Books with ancient magic in them, ancient legends…perhaps one of them has the answer and you've been too busy covering up to protect me. You remarkable, beautiful, foolish woman…." He held me tight against him and kissed my temple softly.

"I think Vicki did try to look at some of your books…but you always caught her and she'd make something up. She wanted to borrow some but couldn't decide how to lie to you about it."

"So, that's what she was doing. Well…she has free reign to any of them now. Anything…I'm joining this fight and together we WILL find something to save you, to make you better. Whatever it takes. I promise," he assured me, kissing my forehead again as he shifted his position - leaning back against the headboard and pulling me to lay against his chest. He held me in silence for some time, rubbing his hand up and down my arm, his chin resting lightly on the top of my head and I almost dozed off. "By the way, what changed? Why did you decide to let me back in? To rekindle our relationship? Even though you wanted to protect me."

"Hmm?" I asked, opening my eyes and gazing up at him. I yawned. "Because I'm essentially a very selfish human being Henry," I answered sleepily. "I was more miserable without you than the thought of what might be. I decided to allow myself this happiness with you, no matter how long it might last…to give in and stop denying how I felt. And then….I was SO happy being back with you. And I felt so good that I thought you had cured me, that your love had made me better. I thought they had all been wrong…that my sickness was simply down to being miserable without you. I was such a fool."

"No, not a fool," he disagreed. "And I can understand why you didn't tell me. I'm not unfamiliar with the desire to protect someone you love from the horrid truth. I just think your intentions were unfounded, unnecessary. No matter what happens, whether you reach natural death from old age or there is another cause for you to leave this earth…whenever that intolerable day comes, I will blame myself, I will be full of remorse that I stole your life from you, that you never had a normal life full of normal things…"

"Stop it!" I mumbled. "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you! Don't you dare regret meeting me, being with me, loving me. Don't make me feel like I'm a burden to you…that you don't really want to be with me…that I am nothing more than a stupid mistake to you," I whispered, the threat of tears powerful once more as I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"I have not one regret of us my love. Quite the opposite. I still believe you're the best thing to happen to me in almost 500 years. But I do regret that our love is not without consequences…that you had to suffer because you love me, because you chose me - a vampire."

"And that was my choice. No matter what happens, you were worth it." I snuggled down into his chest, making myself comfortable, feeling safe and protected in his embrace.

"I'm glad you think so. But then, it's not like I ever planned to stay around long without you anyway."

My eyes flashed open - instantly awake now realising what he was implying. "You will NOT do anything stupid, promise me?" I searched his eyes, almost afraid of what I might see.

He exhaled a gush of air. "Okay, I promise." And yet the words meant nothing to him. He was just saying that for my benefit.

"Good, because I have enough to worry about right now without adding a suicidal vampire to the list. So, stop beating yourself up Henry, stop feeling sorry for something that was beyond your control, beyond anyone's control. I don't need that! It happened, it was no one's fault - it just happened. And now, we deal with it!"

He nodded solemnly and I knew he didn't share my opinion on the matter at all - as far as he was concerned it was his fault and he should have been able to control it, to prevent it from happening. He was simply telling me what I wanted to hear, and I was only hearing what I wanted to.

"Okay, you're right…we need to concentrate on fighting this."

"Good." I lay my head back down on his chest and closed my eyes again.

"You need some sleep." He whispered gently and manoeuvred us both so as I was laying down in the bed more, without once disturbing me from upon his chest. "You need to get your strength back so we can fight this thing together, because I will not lose you Cat," he vowed whilst wrapping me in the sheet. "When you find that very thing you've waited hundreds of years for, that something that has been missing from your existence, you hold on to it with all that you have…and you never let it go. I am not losing you," he mumbled against my head, his lips touching my hair as I curled my body into him, held him close and drifted to sleep.