"Always say what you mean and mean what you say. Express how you feel and don't ever apologize for being real." Unknown (Allen)

"There are many things I would like to say to you but I don't know how." Unknown (Kanda)

"Life is better when you're laughing." Unknown (Both)

A whole month had passed since the night the two men shared together. Life progressed as normal, for Allen at least, he and Kanda continued to go on dates every Friday evening. The rest of the time, Allen split between work and school. Although Allen continued to spend time with his group of friends during the week, he had little meetups on the side with Tewaku.

The sweet girl had always been eager to support her friends when she felt they needed it, but she had never been more proactively loving towards him in the last month. When they were together, they talked about many of the same things they talked about with the rest of their friends, but Allen found himself being more open when they were alone.

They discussed school, work, and, on occasion, she would ask about Kanda. Confiding in people didn't come naturally to Allen. He'd learned over the last couple of years that it sometimes became necessary to confide and that, if he chose the right person, it could even make him feel better than he could have imagined.

It was only his formative years that had taught him to hold back from people and sadly that old lesson had resurfaced a month ago. That night when he'd told his . . . boyfriend about his past, basically bared his soul to him, Kanda hadn't said anything about it.

Allen really didn't know what he'd expected. He'd thought that the worst reaction he could get from the other man was pity. He was wrong, the worst reaction he could get was nothing. The utterly empty silence had felt like a loaded gun to him at the time.

Since then, he and Kanda hadn't talked about it. The incident had made Allen ashamed and Kanda uncomfortable so it just became a silent tension between them. Allen knew logically that they should talk about this, but knowing something and bringing yourself to do it were completely different things.

He relayed all of this to Tokusa during lunch.

"Allen . . . She sighed sadly, after she'd heard everything.

"I know. I know." Allen cut her off before she could say what he was dreading she would. He anxiously rested his head in his hands and glared at the table as if his troubles were somehow its fault.

"But you don't." She insisted, smacking her hand on the table and drawing Allen's attention back to her.

"I don't get it!" She angrily half-shouted, uncaring of the curious stares she got from the other students perched at the surrounding tables. "You guys can't seem to get your relationship right and yet you continue to insist on being together! You two are so mismatched and I just don't get it!"

Allen wanted to fire back a response about how that wasn't even half of what their relationship was, but he bit his tongue, as he was so used to doing.

Tewaku took a calming breath and sat down. "Sorry about that, Al. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around it, y'know?" All Allen did in response was nod. "Still, you know I have to be right. If you're in a relationship where you can't talk to the person about yourself without making them feel uncomfortable.

If you feel insecure telling him what's on your mind, maybe you're with the wrong person. It certainly can't be a good sign that you can't trust him and he doesn't support you?" She looked at him with genuine concern. Allen stopped and thought on Tewaku's words. She made some good points, but still . . .

"I think that's just how I am." He knew he was prone to self-doubt and drawing inside himself, it's just him. Sure, Kanda's response that night hadn't really helped matters, but he wasn't directly responsible for how Allen reacted to it.

"Maybe." Tewaku allowed, her brows scrunching up. "But it still represents a big problem in your relationship and you either need to resolve it or end it and Allen, it . . . really doesn't seem like either of you are eager to resolve it." She said the last part softly, with her eyes looking even softer.

"I . . ." Allen didn't know what to say. She was kinda right, everything she was saying made sense to him like it was straight out of the journal of a marriage counselor.

Yet, he didn't want to break up with Kanda just like he didn't want Kanda to break up with him.

He knew they needed each other, more deeply than Tewaku or anyone else could understand. It could be about the fact that he would swear he felt Kanda's emotions sometimes or that it felt like the other man looked right at him and saw him, feelings that half the time made him feel crazy and made his chest feel warm and secure, the other half.

Perhaps it was that, despite how their relationship was sometimes, they were undeniably attracted to each other. More than that, they could perhaps make each other feel alive. It didn't take a genius to see how Kanda had been hurt and subsequently divorced himself from the world around him . . .

. . . and maybe . . . he had been doing that, as well. Allen had gone to more stores and talked to more new people since he'd met Kanda. Perhaps he hadn't realized just how far removed he, too, had been from the rest of the world.

Anyway you slice it, being together was the only thing that felt right.

Lenalee's black hair slipped in front of her purple eyes as she stood in shock, staring at Kanda.

"Well?" Kanda asked, clearly trying to sound more irritated than he was.

"Well?" Lenalee parroted, incredulously. "Kanda, why didn't you explain this to Allen after the fact? Better yet, why didn't you talk about it that night?" She cried.

A sheepish look crossed Kanda's features and shuffled his body, nervously. "I couldn't, I can't. I'm just not used to this." He said, a little defensively.

"Not used to this?" Lenalee asked, wearily. "Anything you could have said would've been better than silence! What were you thinking of?" The pigtailed young woman demanded.

"You know what I was thinking!" Kanda couldn't stop himself from snapping.

"Oh, yes, I do!" She took up. "It's like i've been trying to tell you, Kanda, other people can feel pain just as strongly as you can!" Kanda opened his mouth to interrupt, but was halted by Lenalee holding her hand up. "I know you know that, but you have a hard time internalizing it.

When Allen admitted to having a dark past, one so much like your own, it completely blindsided you and you had no idea what to say. I understand that, but Allen doesn't because you refuse to talk about it with him-"

"I know!" Kanda snapped again, glaring.

Kanda." Lenalee said, her softer voice causing him to stop glaring. "You need to talk to Allen, you have to set things right. What must he be thinking?"

I don't know, I just don't know." Kanda breathed, shaking his head a little helplessly.

That's why he'd gone to his favorite store where Lenalee worked, while he knew Allen was at college. It was a small store that specialized in items that weren't all that popular, like sword polish, and the way Lenalee told it, she and Allen were the only people working there. There wasn't even a manager, so they had a number to call for the owner if there were any serious problems.

Because of all that, he knew that if he showed up before four on most days, Lenalee would be on duty to talk to him and here he was. Getting her advise on Allen having confessed his past to him had been on Kanda's mind since it'd happened and he'd finally gotten up the nerve to go do it.

"I-" Kanda took a steadying breath. "Ever since I was a little kid, it'd been me and a select few on one side and everyone else on the other. I-I know Dad's told you about some of my . . . experiences in the past, I know he has." Lenalee didn't dispute it.

"I've held onto them for so long, they've been the model for how I act towards people, how I treat them, but Allen . . . he didn't get bitter. He's a- a good guy."

A weight settled in his stomach as he realized that this was the first time he could remember saying something complimentary about Allen out loud.

"This has to stop." The words flew from his mouth now, no filter keeping them from coming. "This 'keeping things to ourselves' thing. It's toxic." Kanda's mind raced through his options.

"What are you thinking, Kanda?" Lenalee asked both parts curious and cautious.

"I'm going to start over." Kanda proclaimed, after a moment.

"Start over, Kanda?" Pure curiosity, this time.

"Yes, I'm going to start over and I'll do better this time." His eyes narrowed and his voice became steely. "Would you mind texting Allen the location for our next date on your phone?"

"Anything, Kanda." Lenalee assured, a smile in her voice at the thought of helping her friends.