Ch 25
River grabbed the phone, going up to her bedroom to make the call. Vastra answered, excited as she generally was when the Songs called.
River swallowed, her stomach turning, "I have to tell you something."
"That's a rather worrisome start to it." Vastra frowned. "Is there something wrong?"
"The Doctor and I ran some tests on Terra last night..." She started.
Vastra became more alarmed. "Don't linger, just tell what's going on."
"She's deaf." River whispered.
Vastra, like the girls, wasn't actually sure of how to take the news. "How are you taking the news?"
"I-" She swallowed, "Not well."
"Would you be willing to discuss that?" She asked carefully.
She shook her head, "I'd rather not."
"That's alright." She didn't push it. "What does the Doctor think?"
"I don't know...He said it wasn't the end of the world but… He's more optimistic than I am."
"Is that what you think? That it's the end of the world?"
"No, but...It's my fault." River murmured, "And I'm upset with myself."
"It's genetics. In what way is it your fault?" She questioned.
"It's not necessarily genetics." She sighed, "It's because of what I did those first couple months..."
"I see." Vastra disagreed, though understood that River's guilt had found a way to present itself and weigh on her. "Have you voiced this to the Doctor?"
"Yes." She murmured, "He said I need to do everything I can for her so I can earn my way back to deserving her."
"Do you agree with that?"
"Yes." Her voice shook.
"Do you think you don't deserve her now?" Vastra fretted.
"After what I did, I don't think I'll ever deserve her." She whispered.
"I can't say I agree with that, but you must know that Terra will love you unconditionally from the moment she's born. You may think you don't deserve her, but she deserves a mother like you, who cares about her child so much that she doubts her own abilities." She paused. "She doesn't need perfect. She needs you."
"But she doesn't deserve someone who consciously tried to harm her." River shook her head.
"You stopped, though. You stopped and then you spent all your time protecting her. You'll still protect her when she's in your arms, when she walks, when she flies. You'll be there to catch her, won't you?"
"Yes, of course." She whispered.
"Then let the past be the past. She'll know you care and surely that must be what's important." Vastra encouraged.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." River was shaking, sitting down on the bed.
"Alright." Vastra replied softly. "...I'm glad you called."
"I promised to keep you updated so..." She sighed.
"If you ever need anything, I'm here for that as well. You could even just show up at my door." She offered.
"Yes, I know." She whispered. "Thank you. I should get back to my family now."
"Good luck." Vastra murmured, bidding her her a goodbye.
Vastra whispered a goodbye, hanging up the phone. She spent another few minutes just laying on the bed, gathering her thoughts. She then headed back downstairs to be with her children.
The girls had moved into the living room to play with Arthur, currently trying to teach him how to sign his name. Arthur didn't quite understand what they were trying to do. He still didn't have a fantastic grasp on how to coordinate his hands, so he mostly just wiggled his fingers and waved his hands around.
"No, like this." Freya and Amelia tried to help position his hands, though the bay couldn't retain the shapes.
"Be gentle girls." River murmured as she walked into the room.
"Mummy look!" Freya jumped up. "Daddy showed me how to do everyone's names!"
"That's wonderful, sweetheart." She smiled weakly.
Freya proceeded to sign her name and then the names of her siblings, though she fumbled with the vowels, doing them in the wrong order.
River smiled, "You're already very good at it." She murmured, really having no idea what any of the hand gestures meant. "Did he show you Terra's name?"
She nodded. "[T-E-R-A]"
"Two 'R's my sweet." She corrected.
"You know the letters?" She asked, wide-eyed with excitement.
"Well, no, but I noticed that you didn't repeat any of the letters, so I figured you forgot the R's." She sat in a chair, rather tired from the day.
"Oh." She nodded. "What's for dinner?"
"I don't know, I forgot all about dinner." She reluctantly stood, "I'll go figure it out."
"River, I can cook tonight." The Doctor offered.
She shook her head, "No, no it's my night. I'll do it."
"Call if you want help." He said.
She nodded, going to the kitchen. River searched around for a while, trying to find something to cook for the girls, finally settling on pasta, which she somehow managed to burn horribly. The Doctor hurried in at the smell of smoke, asking what was going on.
She was coughing, trying to clear the air around her. He quickly opened the door to the yard, helping fan the fogged air out. "River, go sit down."
"I'm fine, really." She coughed.
"You're practically choking." He worried. "How did you burn the pasta?"
"I don't know, I just… got distracted." She gasped, finally leaving the kitchen for some air. He put the pasta in the sink, trying to lessen the smoke with water and cloth.
Arthur started crying in the other room just as Toby started barking. "I'll get them." The Doctor moved back to the living room. "Just try to breathe, alright?" She nodded, still coughing into her elbow.
He went to scoop up Arthur and try to calm him down. "What's wrong, lovie?" Arthur continued to wail, hungry and cranky. "Sh, sh. It's alright, you'll eat soon." He went back to River. "I think it's a take away night."
She nodded, having finally caught her breath, "I guess so."
"Pizza?" He asked.
She shrugged, "Whatever the girls want, I'm not terribly hungry. I think I may go to bed soon." She murmured, reaching for his hand.
He shifted Arthur to one arm so he could take her hand. "That's alright. You've had a long day."
"I don't want to leave you all on your own with the children." She sighed, squeezing it lightly.
"Well Arthur seems ready to sleep, too. I can handle them River." He assured.
"Are you sure?" She asked, standing and taking the baby in her arms.
He nodded. "It'll be fine. Promise."
She nodded, kissing his cheek. "Call me if you need anything."
"Don't worry."
She headed upstairs, putting Arthur down and then going to bed herself.
The Doctor ordered pizza for the girls, cleaning up the burnt pasta while they ate. He helped them with homework and played with them until they had to go to bed. They were well enough behaved, having lots of questions about deaf people and sign. He finally got them to bed, going to his room to join River.
River was fast asleep in bed, curled up in the sheets, with her hair sprawled out around her. One hand was resting on her belly while the other lay across the space where the Doctor slept. The Doctor smiled at the sight of her, changing and sliding into bed next to her. He took her hand, holding it close to him.
She nuzzled closer to him in her sleep, relaxing at his touch. It was the first time all day he'd really seen her with a calm expression. He kissed her knuckles as wrapped his arms around her. "Sweet dreams, love."
Toby trotted in the room, hopping up on the bed to lick the Doctor's face and lay across them.
"Toby, not right on top on us." The Doctor nudged him. Toby whimpered, wanting to lay with them. "Fine." He sighed, though still shifted the dog so he wasn't really on top of River.
He barked happily, pawing at his owners.
"Hush, Toby. River needs to sleep." The dog whimpered, pawing at her. "Toby." He said more sternly. "Let her sleep. You can have her attention in the morning."
He growled at the Doctor, nudging closer to River.
"Oi, don't talk to me like that. She's had a rough day." He whispered, watching River in hopes she'd stay sleeping. River looked as if she may wake up for a moment, but soon settled back to a deep sleep. "Just be careful, Toby." The Doctor murmured, closing his eyes.
River woke around 3 am, sweating all over and feeling rather sick. Toby had shifted by then, snuggled against her side. He raised his head, excited to see her eyes open. She pat his head, then stood, going to open the window and sit by it to get some fresh air.
He jumped up and followed, sitting in front of her and wagging his tail expectantly. She ignored him, resting her head against the wall. Toby made a small noise, putting his head on her lap.
"Shhh." She whispered, putting her hand on his head. He pushed up against it, wanting attention. "What?" She sighed, looking down at him.
He wagged his tail some more, blinking up at her. Terra nudged her ribs.
She stiffened, freezing for a minute. A light breeze came through the window, making her curls move a bit. Terra nudged again. Stop! She thought automatically.
A tingly grey and inky blue was the mental response. The kicking stopped.
River sighed, relaxing back into the chair. Toby pushed against her hand again, this time barking.
"Shhh!" She scolded, "No barking."
The Doctor had already started to stir at the noise, mumbling something about the dog. She sighed, glancing over at the Doctor. He reached over to River's side of the bed, sitting bolt upright a moment later.
"I'm over here." She called, knowing he was looking for her.
His gaze instantly went to her, staring for a few seconds as he visibly relaxed. "Why are you up?"
"I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep." She murmured.
"Did you have a bad dream or something?"
She nodded, "I don't feel very well, but I'll be alright. I just needed some fresh air." She breathed.
"Oh. Do you want anything? Glass of water?" He offered.
She shook her head,"No, I'm alright." She whispered.
"Can I sit with you?" He asked.
"Of course." She murmured.
He got out of bed, sitting in a chair next to her. Toby didn't pay him much mind.
River reached for his hand, squeezing it lightly. He squeezed back and smiled. They listened to the wind for a minute or two.
"You said you felt sick?" He asked. She nodded, closing her eyes. "In what way?"
"Nauseous." She murmured.
"A bit past morning sickness, aren't you?" He pointed out.
River shrugged, "It's not uncommon for morning sickness to last the whole pregnancy."
"I would, however, get suspicious if it's waking you up at early hours of the morning. Do you want a ginger ale to settle your stomach?"
She shook her head, "Really, Doctor. I'm fine."
"Alright." He sighed, squeezing her hand again. "I just worry."
"I know you do." She murmured, "But I promise I'm fine."
He nodded, trusting her word.
"She was kicking before..." She whispered after a few minutes.
"She was?" He looked hopefully at her. She nodded slowly. "I'm glad she's discovered movement. Is she still now?"
She nodded, "Yes, she stopped."
"Oh." He sounded a little disappointed, wanting to feel.
River frowned at the disappointment in his voice, "Maybe… if you put your hand here she'll start again." He nodded, placing his hand were she said.
She mentally tried to encourage their daughter to move, not wanting to disappoint her husband. She got a hard magenta in return and no movement. She opened her eyes having no idea what the colors were supposed to mean.
"River?" The Doctor looked at her, confused by her expression.
She swallowed, looking at him for a moment then quickly standing. "I suddenly feel so tired, I think I'm going to go back to bed." She lied.
"Oh." He blinked and stood to follow.
She climbed back into bed, wrapping the sheets tightly around herself and closing her eyes. Green came as the Doctor lay next to her, constantly changing shade. She was silent for several minutes.
"Doctor?"
"Hmm?" He responded, facing her.
"Do colors mean things?"
"Yes. Colors have all sorts of connotation in almost every culture to exist." He paused before he could go off on a ramble. "Why?"
"I was just wondering." She lied again, "Do the Timelords have meaning behind colors?"
He nodded again. "Tons, but most heavily in communication between TARDIS's and pilots." He explained.
"Ah, I see." She whispered, one hand falling to her belly.
"It's conditional, like, I don't know. Give me an example color."
"Magenta."
"Magenta, good. It can be a warning or aggression when applied during and let's say an argument. But it can also express wonder if that's what's going on." He told her.
"What about grey?"
"Grey is a lot. If it's scattered and sort of itchy, it closer to fear and shying away from something. If it's smooth or wavy it's calmness. Brighter grays can be contempt and occasionally curiosity. Dark ones are stubbornness." He explained, having fun teaching this to River.
Her stomach flipped and her heart sank, "And blue?" She asked, voice trembling.
"Hmm, also a lot. Light blue is excitement, greener blues are creativity. Dark blues can be disappointment, secretiveness, or loneliness depending on the shade. Thicker blues are helplessness, and wispy blues can be excitement or more commonly curiosity."
"Oh..." She turned so he wouldn't see how upset she was. She was afraid to even ask about the green, horrified and distressed by the meaning of the other two colors.
"River?" He put a hand on her shoulder "You alright?"
It took her a few minutes to respond, trying to sound as normal as possible, "Yeah, fine."
"What's wrong." He frowned, able to see that she wasn't fine. She shook her head, not wanting to tell him what she had done. "Does it have something to do with the colors?" He tried again.
She didn't answer, biting her lip hard.
He sighed at her silence. "Come here." She hesitated, very slowly coming closer to him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. He didn't ask about the colors again, deciding it was best to not push her right now.
She tried to hide how distraught she was, but on the inside, all she could think about was how she would never be able to be a good mother for Terra. How would they ever be able to bond if all she ever did was push the baby away and disappoint her.
He held her for a long while neither of them talking, though after some time, Terra nudged in the Doctor's direction, thinking green again. River was afraid to ask what green meant, staying quiet.
"...I can feel her." The Doctor murmured.
"You can?"
"She kicked." He pointed out.
She nodded, "I think she'd rather be close to you than to me."
He shook his head "I don't think that's true. She lives in you for one thing, and she knows you at this point as kind and a protector."
River swallowed, shaking her head, "No, she doesn't."
"How would you know?" He questioned.
"The colors..." She finally admitted.
"What would that have to do with-... Oh." He realized, glancing down at her belly. "Is she.. using colors?"
She nodded.
"The colors you asked?" He clarified.
"Yes." She nodded again.
He didn't need to clarify which variation of the colors Terra had communicated, River's reaction already giving that away. "When?"
"Before you woke up." She whispered.
"It couldn't have just come out of the blue." He reasoned aloud. "Could there have been something to evoke it?" She was silent, refusing to answer his question. He rubbed her arm quietly, deciding after a moment that he wasn't going to get a response. "..Has she used anything else?"
"What do you mean?"
"Other colors, other ways of communicating." He listed.
"She used green..."
"What kind?" He asked. "All different shades."
"Hmm." The Doctor looked at her. "Do you want to know what that means?"
She shook her head, "No."
"It's not anything bad." He urged gently.
She sighed, "Fine, tell me."
"It's an apology for shutting you out." He said quietly.
"Well it's meant for you." She whispered.
"There's no reason for it to be meant for me." He pointed out.
"Well, she wouldn't kick for you earlier." She murmured, "And she only thinks green when you're near."
"Because green also mean family in light hues." He told her, though that did prove her point a bit. He entwined his hand with hers.
"So she wasn't talking to me then, she was simply thinking of family?"
"I think she had a change of mind from how she was feeling before and was trying to tell you that." He voiced.
She closed her eyes, thinking about what he had said.
He held her close. "Why don't you get some sleep?"
She nodded, "Okay..."
"Love you." He kissed her forehead.
Terra kept thinking green, though it started to lull as she became more calm.
"Love you too." She whispered, eventually falling asleep in his arms.