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Chapter 25.
That day, when she had come back from work, she felt really happy for the first time in ages. To her it had actually felt like a normal day at work, which was a great feeling. She finally felt she had resumed living her life again, well almost, that is. She still had to go to Dr. Astini tomorrow and she was actually kind of looking forward to that. By now she just knew she could talk about it without experiencing another breakdown or anything else in that direction.
It was past 9 already, so she didn't have to make herself dinner anymore. They had eaten some Japanese takeaway at the office, she, Harry, Leo and Zak.
Now she figured she might as well just go to bed so she could face the next day as soon as possible. She had a short shower and went straight to bed after that, with that book she still had to finish.
She woke up with the book in her arms and her first thought was that Jesper hadn't appeared in her dreams. She actually couldn't really remember what she had dreamt, only that Harry had been in it, so it couldn't have been a bad dream.
The appointment with Dr. Astini was at 12.30 and now it was.. a little after 9, so plenty of time. First she figured she could go to the Lyell Centre and work until 12, but it would probably be better to keep her mind on the appointment for now. She picked up the book she had been reading and resumed at page 314. It was a very good thriller and although she was near the end, she still didn't know how things fitted together. Within the hour she had finished it and she was truly surprised about how things turned out in the end.
Even though she was confident about the meeting, she still felt quite nervous in the hours after that, still at home. When it was finally time to go she had been ready for over half an hour and she quickly left home.
"Welcome back, Nikki," Rachel said when she entered the room and they shook hands. "Sit down, please. So, how have you been?"
"Well, good I think, now I've all written it down I really feel like I can put it aside.."
"Good to hear, good to hear," Rachel said while she wrote something down on her notepad. "I have read everything you sent me Nikki.. that wasn't just something you had to go through.."
Nikki nodded, still feeling okay.
"So, you said you think you can put it aside now. Do you really think so? I mean, it has still got to be so fresh!"
Oh god, here we go again, the "it's only three weeks ago" speech. Well she really didn't feel like going in that direction again.
"Yes, I really do think so, don't you?" Nikki couldn't help but to be cynical.
"Well, I think you shouldn't go too fast, or try to go too fast. I take it you are still not working?"
"Well actually I went over there yesterday, because I thought, well, why should I do nothing while I can also go to work?"
"Alright," Rachel said slowly while she wrote something down. "And did things go well yesterday? Were you able to focus and do your job? Or were you still distracted and not sure it had been a good decision to go back already?"
"Well clearly you seem to think so," Nikki said, cynical again.
"I'm not here to judge you, Nikki. I'm just asking if going back to work felt right to you."
Nikki sighed.
"Yes, it went okay and I slept fine afterwards," she said a bit annoyed.
"Okay, well that's what I wanted to know."
It went quiet for a moment, Rachel just noted some things.
"Tell me Nikki, do you feel guilty about anything?" she suddenly asked.
"Ehh no.. about what?" Nikki started feeling a bit insecure now.
"About what has happened, Nikki," Rachel said with a piercing gaze.
"No," Nikki said softly. "What should I feel guilty about?"
She tried to remain calm, but inside she started panicking.
"About what you had to do to stay alive," Rachel said, still looking at Nikki with this sharp gaze.
Nikki turned her head away.
"No, I don't feel guilty.. I feel.. relieved that he is gone."
She felt like Rachel's eyes were pinning her to the wall. Of course she knew she was lying. Rachel didn't say anything. She didn't write anything down either. She just sat there and looked.
"I don't feel guilty.. I feel very guilty, sometimes.."
"Why do you feel guilty?" Rachel asked.
"Because I killed the man I loved," Nikki said. She felt tired.. she just wanted to go home and forget all about it.. about everything..
"But Nikki.. you do realise there was nothing else you could do, right?"
Yes, of course she did. That was what everyone kept saying to her from the moment she regained consciousness at the hospital. Of course she realised, but did that make that feeling of guilt go away?
She just sighed and it took her a big effort to speak.
"Yes, I know and I realise.."
"So why do you still feel guilty then, Nikki?"
She didn't know.. she just wanted to get out of there and go home..
"How should I know? If I knew, I wouldn't be here, right? You are the psychologist, you tell me.." Such cynicism.
Rachel went quiet for a moment.
"I think you have to let go," was all she said.
Such vague talking only annoyed Nikki more.
"Wow, now I know exactly what to do, thank you!"
"I think you have to let go of your love for him," Rachel said, remaining calm.
Now Nikki went quiet for a moment.
"But.. how?" she muttered.
"That, I cannot tell you I'm afraid.. that's something you'll have to find out for yourself."
Yes, but how? She had tried to let go, but at moments she was alone he just kept popping up in her head, she couldn't shut him out..
"I'm sorry Nikki, but our time's up. For now, that is."
"Right, okay." Nikki got up from her chair. "Well.. thank you and ehh.. see you next time."
"Okay, good, see you next time," Rachel said and also got up.
They shook hands and Nikki walked off.
She made an appointment for next Friday and got back to her car.
Right.. so go straight through to the office or not? This time she didn't feel so sure.. She decided to have the rest of the day off, so she called Leo and drove home. She had a lot of thinking to do.