Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Hey everyone, I hope you are all well. I know it's been a while and I apologize for that.
My pregnancy has taken quite a toll on me compared to when I was expecting my daughter and I'm still tired all the time, it seems. Also, I'm trying to wrap up some stuff for school before I go on maternity leave in February so I won't have to focus on anything except the new baby and of course my writing whenever he takes a nice long nap. ;)
Melanie is just beyond brilliant. I cannot thank her enough for all the hard work she puts into this and it always amazes me how she's able to beta in just a matter of hours and get my stuff back to me so quickly. It's because of her that you guys get the new chapter today already. :)
Enjoy!
EPOV
I felt so at peace as I looked around and my eyes met nothing but happiness. There was Joe, who was standing in the center of his small living room with an awed expression on his face, silently taking in the space which he could now proudly call his home. There was Angela and Mary who were busy hanging up curtains and talking animatedly about the improvements that they wanted to make in Joe's new place. And finally there was my Bella, who was putting out drinks and snacks for all of us with a glorious smile on her face. If possible it widened even further when her eyes locked with mine and she walked over to me and slipped her little hand into mine.
Peace of mind wasn't something that I had ever given much thought to in my former life but now I found that the search for it was as vital to me as breathing. I wanted contentment, I wanted the untroubled sleep of a man who knew only happiness in his life and most of all I wanted the woman at my side to always look at me with love in her eyes, the way that she did at this very moment.
She loves me.
I still couldn't fully believe that this wasn't some fantasy like the ones that I would indulge myself in on my lonely nights when we had been apart: When I would close my eyes and try to block out the sounds of the other homeless around me and imagine being with Bella. Really being with her. Not just for a night or a few days while she nursed me back to health, but to actually share a home and a life with her.
That fantasy had finally come true; Bella had opened up not only her apartment and bed to me, but miraculously also her heart.
If only I could tell her!
I cursed my inability to reciprocate with words and even though she had assured me that she didn't need it I still wanted to tell her how much I loved her. She deserved to hear it but I refused to put it into writing or mouth it silently. I wanted my voice back and I couldn't think of better incentive for getting better than to finally be able to say those words. Out loud.
But what if even want isn't enough? What if I never get my voice back? Can she really be perfectly happy with me, flawed as I am?
"Are you alright?" my angel asked me and leaned into my side. "You look so pensive."
I simply nodded and gave her a smile. It was just the same old shit running through my head and I didn't want to put a damper on this happy occasion.
"You know that you can talk to me, right? If something is bothering you?"
I nodded again. There was no doubt in my mind that Bella would immediately tell me how my inability to speak didn't matter because she loved me, but my lack of a voice was just part of the problem. That was made abundantly clear just minutes later when a strange man walked into the living room. Suddenly it was as if the space was too small and I was hyperaware of the fact that he was currently blocking the only exit. I couldn't get to safety without going through him first.
"Hey you!" Bella said cheerfully and let go of my hand to approach the stranger.
I fought against my instincts, knowing that the man obviously wasn't unfamiliar to her but I couldn't stop. I watched helplessly as my hand grabbed a hold of her wrist and pulled her back to supposed safety behind me and my stance became defensive. God help me, I think I even growled at him.
"Whoa! Easy there," he said gently. "You're Edward, right?"
I nodded cautiously although his knowing my name didn't ease my discomfort. I suddenly noticed that the room had grown quiet and that the others were looking at me. Joe with sadness, but understanding in his eyes, Angela; incredulously and Mary; outright shocked. I hadn't reacted that strongly when I first met her, but I was always more wary around males since they posed a bigger threat, physically, and this guy had taken me off guard.
"Edward," Bella said quietly, "please let go of me."
I discovered to my horror that I was, once again, gripping her much too tightly and dropped her wrist immediately as the shame washed over me. I swallowed thickly and turned to look at her, fear gripping my heart.
Please, not another bruise!
"It's okay," she said the second she saw my expression. "See? No harm."
She held up her hand and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that there wasn't a mark on her flawless skin. I took her hand gently as if it was made out of glass and kissed her palm before holding it against my cheek, just as I had done in her kitchen on the night when we first met.
"You won't hurt me. I know that now," she said with confidence and it made me smile because she was obviously remembering that night as well when she had mistaken my affection for something sinister, and had begged me not to harm her.
As if I ever would. She's my whole world now.
Bella glanced to the side and blushed when she remembered that we weren't alone and that the others had witnessed our moment. She cleared her throat and her hand on my cheek found mine and laced our fingers instead.
"Edward, I want you to meet Ben, Angela's boyfriend," she said and motioned behind me.
It hit me like a proverbial ton of bricks.
I turned my back to him!
I never turned my back to a supposed threat. That was suicide! And yet I had done it without a second thought when I feared that Bella was hurt. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about this. On one hand, it meant that I was losing my edge, the strong defenses that had kept me alive while living on the streets. I would be vulnerable without them. But on the other hand it also meant that I was becoming accustomed to being in a friendly setting again and that I was letting my guard down. Dr. Gordon, my therapist, had told me just how important this was for my healing process; that I would be more open towards the EMDR therapy once I got used to being safe.
Angela came over and wrapped her arm around Ben's waist, almost as if to show me that he wasn't dangerous. I felt myself relax slightly at the sight of the two small women obviously trusting him. He looked at his girlfriend who nodded encouragingly towards me, and then he held out his hand to me.
"It's nice to meet you, Edward," he said. "Angela has told me a lot about you."
I fought back my natural impulse which was to shy away from his outstretched hand and shook it carefully for a second.
'Sorry,' I told him silently, and I meant it.
"Good boy!" Angela said playfully and patted my shoulder as if I was a well-behaved dog.
I rolled my eyes at her. I was comfortable enough around her now that I was used to her touch, and I had a feeling that we were very close to the point where I would start making impolite hand gestures when she acted like a smartass.
"Leave him alone," Bella said protectively and directed me over to the coffee table for a drink and a little space.
I couldn't resist sticking my tongue out at Angela in a completely juvenile display which only made her and Ben laugh.
The rest of the night went smoothly. We had takeout for dinner, hung pictures and lamps that Mary had helped buy and toasted to Joe's new job and home; the others in champagne, and Bella and I in nonalcoholic cider although she said that I didn't have to abstain for her sake. Before I knew it, it was late and Bella was hugging Joe goodbye with tears in her eyes.
"This is so silly," she sniffed. "I'm going to see you on Monday at work."
"Of course you will," he said and patted her back. "But…I'll miss you, too."
He pulled back and took her hands in his.
"Thank you, Bella. None of this would have been possible if it hadn't been for you. You have truly changed my life in the most positive of ways and there aren't enough words to express my gratitude."
"I didn't do anything," she croaked and cleared her throat. "You got this job and this place all on your own. I'm so proud of you!"
She started crying and mumbled something about hormones when Joe gently turned her over to me and I wrapped my arm around her.
"Take good care of her, kid," he said to me as he walked us out.
I nodded solemnly. That was one responsibility I wasn't about to take lightly. The others said their goodbyes and I smiled when I noticed that Mary didn't leave with us. I was happy that they were getting so serious with each other. Angela and Ben gave us a ride home and Bella slumped against me in the backseat, obviously tired. I needed to get her home to bed. Because I was a typical guy deep down there was a small part of me that felt just a hint of disappointment when I realized how exhausted she was. It meant that we wouldn't be making love tonight after all. And that was something I had been looking forward to.
Stop being an ass. She's tired for a reason.
Bella was pregnant, she had had a long day and on top of that she was a little sad to see her friend move out, and now I felt like a jerk for even thinking about sex when she probably needed a cuddle and good night's sleep more than anything else. I reprimanded my dick for being an insensitive…well, dick, as it was and helped her inside after we were dropped off at the apartment. Both of us did our business in the bathroom and there was a strange moment after I had stripped down to my boxers and t-shirt and crawled into bed. Bella was still fully dressed and lingered in the space between the bed and the door to the hallway.
"I just need a few minutes to get ready," she said and fidgeted with a bag that she had gotten out of her closet.
She walked out into the bathroom again and I wondered what on earth she was doing. Finally she came back in and I felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room.
Motherfucking hell!
Bella was a vision in black silk and lace, and I had trouble breathing. It wasn't even that the nightgown was very provocative or revealing. God knows that my ex-wife had worn stuff a lot skimpier, but all of her thongs, corsets and crotch-less panties had nothing on this outfit when it came to sex-appeal, or turning me on. And I was turned on! Bella was gorgeous and sexy always, but I had never seen her in anything like this before. Usually she slept in cotton tank tops and shorts and that was more than enough to leave me aching when we said goodnight before I would go to the couch to spend yet another lonely night pining for her.
But tonight I was sleeping in Bella's bed. No, our bed and she was wearing hottest little number I had ever laid eyes on. If I had seen it in a catalogue I probably wouldn't have given it a second glance because of its lack of obvious sexiness. It wasn't see through or indecently short; just a simple slip in black silk with lace trimmings, but because Bella was wearing it I couldn't contain the crazy lust that coursed through my body as a result of the stunning visual. Her body looked phenomenal; all soft curves and silky skin that I wanted to run my hands and then my tongue over for hours on end before I finally took her and made her mine.
Her face, on the other hand, told a different story. She was dog-tired. My dick had quickly forgotten all about being a gentleman but fortunately, I wasn't as easily swayed and I could clearly see that Bella's heart wasn't in it. Her shoulders sagged and her eyes were dull, but she was trying to hide it as best she could. When she approached me I found myself shaking my head. I couldn't let her touch me. I was only a man and I knew that I wouldn't be able to control myself if I felt her against me. I would take her, and probably not in the way that Bella had dreamed about. It would be frantic and hurried, and worst of all, Bella wouldn't be able to fully enjoy it because of her fatigue.
"You hate it."
My eyes snapped up to hers and I frowned. What was she talking about?
"This isn't sexy," she said to herself. "I should have listened to Angela and gotten something racy. God, I am such an idiot!"
She turned to hurry out but before she made it to the door I had reached her and had a gentle hold on her wrist. I couldn't let her believe for even a second that I didn't want her. She looked up at me and her eyes were clouded with confusion.
'Beautiful,' I mouthed and kissed her gently.
"But you don't think I'm sexy," she said weakly. "It's the Madonna/whore thing, isn't it?"
What? What does that mean?
'Madonna/whore?' I mouthed.
"Angela said that maybe you saw me mostly as the mother of your child and not…you know, someone to, um, fuck."
I gaped at her with my mouth hanging open. Nothing could be further from the truth and I had half a mind to send Angela a wordy text message. She didn't know what she was talking about! I shook my head adamantly.
"I feel ridiculous even saying it. Angela just has a lot more experience with men and she said that maybe you put me on a pedestal, and I needed to make you see me as a woman first."
She sighed.
"That's when she suggested we go lingerie shopping after work," she continued weakly and tugged lightly on the hem of her slip. "Needless to say she had something different in mind. Something sexier."
If she looked any sexier I would be drooling right now!
I couldn't believe that women even talked about something like this. I was used to men's locker room talk and I honestly couldn't picture my sweet Bella discussing our sex life. She seemed much too innocent for something like that.
Wow, maybe I really do put her on a pedestal? But I definitely see her as a woman too!
'You. Are. Fucking. Hot,' I mouthed.
I usually didn't swear in front of her but I needed to emphasize just how badly I wanted to fuck her. Not just make sweet love, but fuck her senseless. Bella needed that reassurance tonight. She was beyond desirable to me.
"Hot?" she said and smiled a little. "You've never called me that before."
'SO hot,' I mouthed and ogled her shamelessly without trying to hide it at all, or conceal that fact that I was sporting a massive boner.
She squirmed and blushed under my lusty gaze, and I hoped that meant that she was now convinced that I wanted her in more ways than just as the mother of my unborn child. I wanted to be her lover, as well.
"But why did you shake your head before?" she asked.
I led her to the bed where we sat down. I kissed her gently again and traced the circles under her eyes with my fingertips.
"It's not so bad," she whispered. "I'm really not that tired."
I raised my eyebrows because she obviously wasn't telling me the truth.
"Okay, I'm exhausted," she finally admitted. "I'm so sorry, Edward."
I shook my head and held her hands in mine.
"But we were supposed to do it tonight," she said. "It's our first night together alone in the apartment and everything. I just wanted it to be perfect."
'It will be.' I assured her and pulled her into a hug.
I still wanted her, but I was able to push that urge aside to give her the comfort she needed. That was the way it was supposed to be in a loving relationship, right? Bella yawned softly in my arms and I released her.
"Thank you," she said and kissed me. "Let's go to bed, okay?"
She started to get under the covers, but I stopped her.
"What is it?"
'Not in that,' I mouthed and pointed to her sexy nightgown.
There was only so much I could take and being pressed up against Bella all night while she was wearing it would be way too tempting.
"Oh, you want me to change?" she asked.
I nodded immediately.
"Okay," she said softly and walked out again.
She was smiling to herself as she left the room and I knew that I had thoroughly convinced her that I found her sexy. It made me feel good that I had been able to put her mind at ease. Maybe I wasn't so bad at this tender loving stuff after all. Bella came back in wearing an oversized t-shirt and while I was grateful for her effort to dress modestly I still wanted her. She snuggled against me in my favorite spoon position and gasped softly when she felt my erection against her ass. She tried to move away but I simply pulled her back. I would be sporting wood no matter what and I didn't want to miss out on having her in my arms tonight.
"Sorry," she whispered.
I shook my head and wrote the word 'hot' on the back of her hand before I laced our fingers.
"Even wearing this?" she asked.
I always want you, angel.
I nodded against the back of her head and kissed her hair. She didn't say anything else but the way she squeezed my hand for a few seconds and snuggled even closer into my embrace told me that she was happy. She fell asleep within minutes, a clear sign that tonight she definitely needed it a lot more than sex. It was fine, I could wait. I would wait forever for her.
I woke up the next morning with the very distinct feeling that my dick had decided that forever had arrived. I had slept like a baby without nightmares and I could clearly see that my dreams must been of a much more pleasant nature judging from the way I woke up. Bella was still sound asleep, completely unaware of the fact that I had been groping her. Her shirt was pushed up to just below her breasts and my right hand was shoved inside her underwear.
On one hand I felt a little embarrassed that I was copping a feel in my sleep like some horny teenager but on the other I really couldn't care less. This was a great way to wake up! She was distinctly wet against the tips of my fingers and I wondered if Bella was the type of woman who was into morning sex. She had been very willing yesterday when we woke up and I decided to take things just a little further. I moved down on the bed and kissed the soft smooth skin on her stomach a few times before I pushed up the fabric of her oversized shirt with my nose to reveal her beautiful breasts. I kissed both of her nipples gently and watched as they hardened from my simple touch. My tongue teased both of them, drawing wet circles around them until they were fully erect and practically begging for my mouth.
When I suckled one of them Bella moaned softly and pushed her hips up to get more pressure from my hand. I was happy to oblige and moved my middle finger over her wet clit easily as her legs spread of their own accord. I glanced up at her face but I couldn't tell if she was fully awake yet or she merely thought she was having a vivid erotic dream. Then I looked down to where my fingers were playing with her and almost laughed out loud.
The panties! God, I love that she wore those!
My sweet angel was wearing the cute white ones with red hearts that I had had first become acquainted with on the night we met. They were perfect! I wondered if she had done this deliberately because she remembered their significance or if it was simply a happy coincidence. Either way I was thrilled to see them again and they turned me on even more than her sexy nightgown. Even though a lot had changed since that cold February night when I first made love to her after she had saved my life some things remained the same. She was still my angel and every day she saved me over and over again by letting me be a part of her life. I still wanted her just as badly as I had that night and I was still just as awed about the fact that she wanted me too.
I need her now.
This time it wasn't frantic and desperate lust but a deep sense of longing and love which motivated me.
"Edward?"
I looked up at her. She was awake and was now probably wondering why I had stopped touching her. She smiled when our eyes met.
"I'm not tired now," she said with hope in her voice.
I grinned like an idiot. I didn't need any more convincing on her part. I was more than ready to make love to her.
Well…almost.
'Bathroom,' I mouthed and jumped out of bed, more excited than a kid at Christmas.
I did my business quickly, brushed my teeth and checked to make sure I smelled alright. Maybe once we had been together a while something like bad breath wouldn't matter so much, but I intended to kiss her a lot this morning. I almost bumped into Bella when I came out. She was obviously waiting her turn and quickly brushed past me to do whatever she did in the bathroom in the morning. The second I was back in the bedroom I shed my clothes and jumped under the covers again. I was giddy with excitement and practically bouncing up and down on the bed when Bella returned. She had brushed her hair but she was still wearing the oversized t-shirt.
"Do you want me to put on the nightgown?" she asked and shifted her weight nervously.
I shook my head. I wanted her just like this: Natural-looking in plain cotton and still the sexiest woman I had ever seen. I took a chance and motioned to her shirt.
'Take it off?' I mouthed.
She won't do it. I think she's too shy for something like that.
She hesitated and I was about to apologize for asking when she suddenly grabbed the hem and pulled it over her head in one fluid motion. I drew in a sharp breath and my eyes darted over her to take in everything.
God, she's so perfect. I can't believe she wants me.
I gawked at her beautiful body, itching to touch and taste every inch of her. She let out a nervous laugh and I did my best to soften my gaze. I knew that Bella's sex life had been less than stellar in the past and she was still pretty shy about it. But I also knew that once she got going her hesitancy quickly vanished and she became very passionate and wild. We had only slept together a few times but it had without a doubt been the best sex of my life and I was eager for us to reconnect on that level.
"Remember these?" she asked and motioned to her cute underwear with blushing cheeks.
I nodded eagerly and she smiled. I took a deep breath and motioned for her to remove those as well. She hooked her thumbs under the waistband and slowly dragged them down until they pooled at her feet, leaving her completely naked in front of me. She was a goddess…and I was suddenly nervous as fuck. I felt just like a teenager about to have sex for the first time. Bella had said that she wanted it to be special the first time we did this again and I wondered if this was special enough for her. There wasn't any candlelight or rose petals or whatever the hell people found romantic in this sort of situation. It wasn't even night time. I didn't know if that would make a difference since I was definitely in unfamiliar territory.
The first time we had made love it had had been so unexpected that I didn't have time to worry about doing everything perfectly. The second time was when I knew that I was leaving her and she had begged me to make love to her, again very unexpectedly. But this time, right now: This was expected, it was anticipated, we had both longed for it for weeks while we slowly re-established a connection and put the physical aspects aside to get to know each other. Now we were finally crossing the threshold and consummating our relationship, and I was scared shitless that I was going to screw this up. This good, no fucking fantastic thing I had found with Bella was more precious to me than breathing and I so wanted to live up to her expectations and be the man that she had always dreamed of.
"Edward? Are you alright?" she asked and crawled right into bed with me to wrap her arms around my neck. "You're shaking."
I was. I was also suddenly deathly afraid of losing her. I didn't know where this fear came from but I couldn't shake it. Everything was going so well and for some reason I was sure that something or someone would come along and break us up. Could I really keep her, the sweet beautiful angel? Or was this another one of life's cruel tricks and would she be taken from me the second I started to believe that this could really be forever? I had lost so much already; my career, my voice, and my peace of mind. Even my wife, although that didn't matter to me now. And I had screwed up a lot too; my sister was practically a stranger to me, not to mention my parents who were even more of a distant memory. I had been proud and stupid, thinking that I didn't need a family anymore and also resentful of their dismissal of me. In short, everything that I had ever cared about had either been ripped from me or I had pushed it away myself. It made me scared because I loved Bella and our unborn child more than anything in the world and the thought of not being with them made my insides hurt, and I suddenly had trouble breathing.
I wrapped my arms around her and crushed her to my chest, relaxing slightly at the feel of her naked skin against mine. We held each other for a long time and Bella simply stroked my hair until I calmed down in her embrace. I pulled back and gave her an apologetic smile, feeling embarrassed that I had reacted so strongly.
"What happened?" she asked softly.
I sighed. I hated that she had to see this weak side of me when all I wanted was to be strong for her.
'I'm…scared,' I finally admitted.
"Scared of what?"
I looked into her eyes.
'Messing up. Losing you.'
"Edward," she said. "You won't lose me. I'm so happy to be with you finally and I swear I'm not going anywhere."
Her words were so sincere and I had no doubt that she meant them. Bella was always so much braver than me; she was ready to give our relationship a real chance from the get go, where as I kept running away. It was bitterly ironic that now when we were in a relationship I was the one who was worried about losing her when she had lost me not once, but twice. I had no reason to believe that Bella would leave me, although I still didn't fully understand what she was doing with me. She was beyond perfect and I was beyond flawed.
"I want you," she whispered in my ear. "In every way, sweetie."
I turned my head and captured her lips with mine. I wanted her too and I just hoped that this would be everything she had imagined. We moved down on the bed and I lay on top of her, our kiss deepening and our bodies intertwining. My hands roamed all over her and my mouth descended to her neck and then her chest. She fisted her small hands in my hair and moaned out my name when I sucked on her nipples and massaged her breasts. When I started to move down her stomach she pulled me back up and kissed me.
"Please, stay here," she whispered and wrapped her legs around my waist, lining us up perfectly.
I looked down to where we were almost joined and swallowed nervously before meeting her gaze again.
'You sure?' I asked silently.
I never wanted her to regret this.
"Yes," she nodded. "This is perfect. I want you so much, Edward."
I kissed her slowly and deeply, reaching down to grab her hip and get a better angle. I remembered how tight she had been around my fingers yesterday and knew that I had to start off slowly or she would be sore from this later on since I hadn't touched her yet and stretched her a bit like I normally would. I shifted my hips forward to slip the head of my cock inside of her. She gasped softly and I paused to look at her.
'Okay?' I mouthed.
"Better than okay," she whispered. "I love you, Edward."
I put my hand on her cheek and gazed into her eyes, hoping that she would see what I couldn't put into words.
I love you, Bella. Forever and ever.
She smiled softly and nodded.
"I know," she simply said, but it meant the world to me that she knew how I felt about her.
I kissed her again, sliding my tongue into her mouth while her hands trailed up and down my back which sent shivers of pleasure up and down my spine. I broke the kiss and leaned my forehead against hers before I slowly pushed all the way inside her.
Oh God! It's better than I remembered! Please don't come yet!
I clenched my jaw and took shallow breaths while I tried to fight the urge to thrust again which would definitely make me blow my load immediately. It had only been 24 hours since my last orgasm but I hadn't been inside of her for two months and she was so, so tight around me.
The last time we did this she became pregnant.
I suddenly worried if this could be hurting our baby. I wasn't a complete idiot and knew that pregnant women could have sex but I wasn't sure about this position which seemed to put an awful lot of pressure on her belly.
'Is this okay?' I asked and lifted myself slightly to brush my hand over her lower abdomen.
She looked confused for a second before her eyes softened in understanding.
"Yes, it's fine. As long as I feel good," she said and kissed my lips sweetly.
Reassured I pulled back and thrust into her slowly.
"Oh! And I feel really, really good right now," she moaned with her eyes closed.
I couldn't help but grin in stupid male pride because she was enjoying it so much. I sat up on my knees and teased her clit with my thumb while I kept up my slow deep thrusts and much to my joy Bella had apparently decided that I should know how she was feeling.
"Edward, Edward. Oh! That's so good! Please don't stop, please don't stop," she chanted breathlessly as she writhed beneath me.
I thrust a little harder and rubbed her faster until she cried out and clenched all around me. This was going to be over in a matter of seconds if I didn't slow down but Bella was still in the throes of her orgasm and I wanted her to get as much pleasure as possible. In a flash I had pulled out and replaced my cock with three fingers while I lowered my mouth to her pink swollen clit and started lapping at it with my tongue. Bella screamed and arched her back, grinding herself against my mouth and fingers. She was completely uninhibited at this point and I loved that I was able to bring her to such heights. I kept licking and sucking while working my fingers in and out of her until she came again and I couldn't delay any longer. I wrapped her legs around my waist and buried myself in her in one swift move which made her cry out again. She pulled me down on top of her and kissed me passionately while I held her tightly and continued to thrust faster and faster until I exploded in a mind-blowing climax which reduced the whole world to pure pleasure. It crashed over me again and again and dragged me under until I came to still clutching her tightly and panting like I had just run a marathon.
"I love you, I love you," she whispered, sounding completely out of breath.
I love you too.
I kissed her neck, her soft cheek and finally her lips while I caressed up and down the side of her body and enjoyed the fantastic feeling of being joined with her again after all this time. I gently touched her eyelids to get her attention.
'Are you okay?' I asked when she opened her eyes and looked at me.
"Mmm," she hummed and smiled lazily. "That was incredible."
I agreed wholeheartedly and kissed her deeply.
"I love hearing you call out my name," she whispered and dragged her fingers through my hair.
What?
"You still do it when you come," she said shyly.
'Every time?'
"Well, no. Not every time. But just about. You don't even realize that you do it, do you?" she asked curiously.
I shook my head. I knew that I had done it the first time we were together because she had told me, but I had no idea that it had happened more than once. What did this mean? Making love to Bella was the greatest pleasure I had ever known and maybe that cancelled out the pain? Or could it simply be because I lost myself so much in the sensations that I didn't even realize I was saying her name? That made sense since the good doctor's theory was that I was able to speak as long as it wasn't something I did consciously. That also explained why I could talk in my sleep and when I had been very sick. I decided not to dwell anymore on it, at least not until later. Right now I just wanted to enjoy Bella and try to put all worries aside.
"Are you okay?" she asked and stroked my hair again.
I nodded and smiled. How could I not be okay? I was in bed with the most beautiful and sweet woman in the world who I loved beyond anything. I tightened my arms around her and rolled us over until she was on top of me so I wouldn't worry about putting too much weight on her.
"I'm really happy right now," she whispered and placed a kiss on my chest before resting her head down.
I smiled, ran my fingertips up and down her back slowly and thoroughly enjoyed feeling her warm naked body against mine. It didn't take too long before I started hardening inside her again which made her laugh and wiggle her hips playfully. I groaned, grabbed her ass and soon she was riding me while my hands and eyes roamed all over her and I wondered if this wasn't some dream I had slipped into because it was almost too perfect to be real.
Afterwards I rolled her over again, kissed her and slipped out of bed to see about some breakfast. I didn't want any morning sickness to creep up on her and food was the only way to prevent it.
"Edward, wait," she called and sat up quickly.
I turned and gave her a puzzled look. Then she laughed.
"I was going to remind you that you're naked," she giggled. "But then I remembered that we're alone now."
I nodded and grinned.
"We can do anything we want," she mused and rose from the bed. "Walk around naked in the kitchen. Shower together. Make love everywhere."
Yes and please!
She let out a laugh and jumped into my arms. I caught her easily and laughed along with her.
"Take me to the kitchen," she demanded.
'Take you in the kitchen?´ I mouthed slowly with a salacious grin which made her laugh even harder.
"I'm hungry, but we'll see how it goes," she replied and kissed me while I carried her into the hallway, both of us stark naked and giddy.
After a great breakfast and a long hot shower I found Bella standing in the door to Joe's old room with a wistful smile on her face. I walked up and wrapped my arms around her waist.
"Do you think it's too early to start making this into the nursery?" she asked quietly.
I shook my head. I was hopeful and I very much doubted that it would make a difference in terms of our grief if something should happen. We should be optimistic about this and prepare just like any other set of expecting parents would.
"We don't even know if it's a boy or a girl…But I suppose we could keep the colors pretty neutral," Bella said with palpable longing in her voice.
She turned to look up at me.
"Do you want a boy or a girl?" she asked me curiously.
I thought about it. When I had been married to Tanya and she announced that children were not something that she wanted, I secretly mourned the loss of the son I would never have. I had always envisioned teaching him sports and coaching his team. But after I found out that Bella was pregnant, daydreams of a little girl who looked just like her kept popping into my head and I saw myself playing with dolls and tea sets. Both visions were horribly cliché but that was the way it looked when I dreamed about them. Bella was still waiting for my answer.
'Both,' I said with a grin.
"Both?" she laughed and put her hand on her stomach. "Well, I hate to burst your bubble but there's only one in here so you can't have both."
'Next time,' I mouthed.
"Oh," she said softly. "You…you want more than one?"
I nodded immediately, hoping that she felt the same way. Of course, I would be more than happy with one child but I wanted to be honest about my wishes for the future.
"I do too," she said with a radiant smile. "It sucked being an only child. I want a big family."
I nodded again, agreeing completely.
"So I guess we can start buying the bigger items that can be used for both genders like a pram and a crib. Do you want to do that next week after the doctor's appointment?"
I nodded for the third time and smiled so widely that it hurt my cheeks.
"Also, I think we should get a car," she said, almost like an afterthought.
Just when I thought I couldn't love her more!
'Really?' I asked eagerly.
"You like that idea," she concluded with grin that matched my own.
'Hell yeah!' I mouthed and picked her up for an eager kiss. 'I love cars.'
"That's good," she chuckled. "Because I don't know the first thing about them, but I think we're going to need one for getting the baby around and all the stuff we need to buy. Maybe we can go look at some later today? It doesn't hurt to shop around as far as I've heard."
I nodded enthusiastically and felt a surge of excitement at the prospect of getting a car. We could take trips outside the city, have adventures. A car meant freedom and fun.
But also repairs, money for gas and insurance.
'Can you afford it?' I asked slowly, once the reality of the situation settled on me.
I wouldn't be able to help with any of the payments and it put a bit of a damper on my good mood.
"Yeah, don't worry," Bella said. "I have my inheritance from my gran and I've saved up ever since I got the job at the library four years ago. I haven't spent a lot on myself, like, ever. I haven't taken vacations and I've never bought anything big before. I lucked out with this apartment being rent-controlled. Please don't worry about money, okay?"
I stared at her in awe. I would never have been able to be so responsible with money in my old life when I actually had it.
'Why?' I asked.
"Why what?"
'Why no vacations, cars?'
"I want a family," she said softly. "Kids cost money. I've always known I wanted that. It's my dream."
She stood up on her toes and brushed her lips against mine.
"Having a baby with someone I love the way I love you. That's the only thing I ever wanted," she continued and gazed into my eyes. "Thank you for giving me my dream, Edward."
I suddenly had a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit and I very much doubted that I would be able to get a word out, even if I could speak. I didn't know how to respond without ending up in tears so instead I picked her up and kissed the hell out of her. Everything I couldn't tell her went into that kiss: How much I loved her, wanted her and needed her. How thankful I was for the little life growing inside of her and the fact that she wanted to share her dream with me when she could have easily turned me away.
We ended up in bed where I made love to her again, slowly and sweetly, taking my time to worship her and silently thank her for this whole new life she had given me when I thought everything was lost. She fell asleep in my arms afterwards and I realized that this was the first time where I wouldn't be leaving her the morning after having made love to her. Things were different now. We were together, finally, just like we were always meant to be. I basked in the afterglow while my angel napped in my embrace and I felt certain that if there was a heaven it couldn't be better than the one I was in at this very moment. I could have stayed in this moment forever.
But then of course reality came knocking when my phone beeped and signaled that I had received a text. I reached over to the nightstand and picked it up, being careful not to jostle Bella around too much.
"Edward, I'm back in town and I'd really like to see you tonight if you're free. Mom is coming over. I haven't told her anything yet. She will be very shocked to see you and I honestly didn't know how to explain everything to her. Bring Bella if you want. Jasper won't be here, I swear."
And just like that all my sense of tranquility disappeared without a trace. I knew I had to go over there and face my family and deal with our difficult history, but I selfishly wished for just one day of perfect happiness with Bella. Just one day where we could laugh, talk, make love and discuss plans for the future without a shadow hanging over our head. But it seemed that I had been too greedy in my desires and now time was already up. I looked down at Bella's peaceful expression and held her tighter to me. She would be nervous about going over there, scared that things wouldn't work out the way I wanted them to. She would probably cry if my mother did. She would become upset if I got angry that my mother had cast me aside and chosen my father over me.
I'll tell her when she wakes up. Just a little longer.
And so I closed my eyes, buried my face in her soft fragrant hair while pretending that the world outside hadn't just pierced the happy little bubble we had been in all morning, and there wouldn't be any emotional confrontations tonight and that everything was absolutely perfect. Just for a little longer.
Yay, they finally did it! It was about time, huh?
So, mother Esme will be making an appearance in the next chapter. What will she be like, I wonder? How will she react once she realizes that Edward is alive and well?
I am hoping to finish my other story The Education of Prof. Cullen pretty soon and then hopefully the Blizzard chapters should start coming out faster.
Take care until next time. :)