A/N- Truths are revealed, also the reason why Bucky started the podcast, and requests are made… Real talk about PTSD. If you would like my resources, I'd be glad to give them. This one is a little short, but the next one… I hope it will be worth the wait…
Bonitalito, I am wrapping it up, only a few chapters left.
Dbonne, mmm soon actually! But it's more like, will she figure out that he actually loves her... lol
After his appointment with the therapist, there was still about an hour until (Y/n) got off of work, so Bucky decided to go to the store and do a little bit of shopping.
Bucky looked around as he made his way down the aisle, fighting embarrassment and wondering why he should feel embarrassed.
It was a common item, lots of people bought them!
He'd bought them! Admittedly not for a while, which is why he'd run out, and at the most inopportune time…
He looked up at the colorful boxes in front if him, surprise etching his features as he saw how many different kinds had come out since he'd last gotten a box.
He was comparing one against another, forgetting to be embarrassed, when a woman walked down the aisle, stopping near him to look at the feminine products. He glanced up at her, but she was avoiding eye contact, too, and it made him feel a little better that he wasn't the only one embarrassed to be down this aisle.
Bucky sighed quietly and thought about just putting them back and forgetting about it, after all, there was not even a hint that (Y/n) would ever want to have sex with him again, and he was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be able to be with any other woman any time soon; the condoms would probably just sit in his drawer until they expired and needed to be thrown out.
He winced as he remembered that the one he'd pulled out of his wallet had most likely been expired and was only in there because he had just never thought about it to take it out, but thinking of when he was throwing things out of his nightstand, he resolutely put a box in the basket, hiding it under a loaf of bread.
It was always better to have protection and not need it than to need it and not have it.
… … …
(Y/n) pulled her headphones on and turned on the newest podcast on her phone, listening to it as she cleaned the house and Bucky was up working. It felt strange for her to not be working when he was, now, but the gym had closed for a holiday, and the phone company he worked for hadn't.
She was starting to feel a whole lot of sexual frustration, as well, but she was unwilling to not lay next to him on the couch and feel his arms around her, just so that she didn't feel like she needed him all the time.
"Mmm, baby, I miss you so much when you're gone," the podcaster said. "The house feels so empty without you, like you packed up all the warmth and happiness to carry with you in your pocket. I know that you don't do it on purpose, it's just that… Babydoll. You're becoming the heart of the house, making me want to see your face so badly that I can't do anything but think of you when you're not here." He sighed.
"Mm, baby, why does work have to be a thing? Why can't you be content to sit back and let me take care of you?" He chuckled. "But I know; you being so independent is one of the things I love about you. It just makes me so lonely when I can't see you." He cleared his throat. "And when I get lonely, I think about… Baby I think about all the things I want to do to you, all of the beautiful places on your body I want to kiss… God, baby, I want to run my hands up your back, down your waist, give a squeeze to your ass," he chuckled. "Lick up your neck, find that one spot that makes it hard for you to breath- mmm," he groaned. "You see, baby? See how hard I am just from thinking of you, and I'm only at kissing your neck, I haven't even gotten to your lips, or breasts, or any of the rest of you."
There was a little bit of heavy breathing, and he spoke again. "Mm, doll, I don't think I can wait for you to get home; I think I'm going to have to take care of myself, but don't worry, I'm going to take care of you, too, and I'll be able to last a little longer when you get home."
(Y/n) set her phone on the kitchen counter as she wiped it down, not wanting it to fall out of her pants pocket and break.
She didn't hear anything other than the podcaster describing the things he thought about, and the various body parts he wanted to do them to, so focused that she felt her heart try to leap out of her body when Bucky started laughing loudly behind her.
(Y/n) spun around, shock written across her face, pulling her headphones down to hang around her neck. "What the hell?!" She demanded loudly.
Bucky couldn't stop laughing, watching her scramble to turn off the apps on her phone as her cheeks flushed darkly.
He'd looked over her shoulder, wondering what she was listening to- and had burst out laughing in shock as he realized that she was listening to him!
"You- you listen to-" he had to gasp for breath, "erotic podcasts-" He fell into another fit of incredulous laughter.
(Y/n) glared at him, shoving her phone in her pocket. "So?" She demanded defensively.
Bucky shook his head again, taking a breath to calm himself. "What is it you like about them?"
(Y/n)'s cheeks heated with a flush, but she refused to be embarrassed. "None of your business!"
That made him laugh harder.
Bucky took a few deep breaths, calming himself again, but was unable to keep the smirk off of his face as he stepped closer, his hand moving toward her, his fingers brushing against her jaw. "But it is, doll," he told her in a slightly deeper voice.
(Y/n) looked at him suspiciously, leaning back a little as he invaded her space.
"I just found out that you listen to erotic podcasts, and it's my duty to find out what you like about them."
"I only listen to one," she snapped at him defensively.
"Oh, then it's even more my business."
"How?" She demanded acidically.
"Because, that podcast you listen to- that's my podcast, babydoll."
(Y/n) had already suspected that, but had let it go a little after wondering when he did any of it when they were together so much that it didn't seem like he'd ever have time to do it.
But she had still suspected, so she wasn't sure why her reaction to finally having it confirmed was shock.
Bucky stepped closer, his hand going to tenderly hold her jaw as his thumb brushed over her lips. "Mmm. Doll, if I had known that listening to my voice as I describe what I want to do to you turned you on so much, I would have started leaving you voice messages or something in high school," he teased, his lips turning up in that damn smirk, the one that always made her heart pound and her panties wet.
She bet he knew it, too. "Who says it turns me on?" She snipped. "I mean, I'm down here cleaning. It's just background noise…"
Bucky raised a brow, letting his fingers slide down her jaw and brushed his thumb over her collar bone. "So you would be even more turned on if you knew it were me?" He asked.
(Y/n) pulled away, not knowing what to say, finally landing on, "Why are you harassing me? Yeah, I listen to them, but you're the one who makes them- Are…" She trailed off, feeling her cheeks heat.
"Are what, doll?" He asked with a cheeky smile.
"A-are… are they real?"
"They do exist, if that's what you're asking," he teased.
(Y/N) furrowed her brow at him. "I mean do you… you know, masturbate during them?"
Bucky's grin widened, then turned to a devastating smirk as he leaned closer, his intake of breath somehow sucking the air from her lungs. "All me, babydoll," he murmured in his deep, sexy voice. "All one hundred percent real."
Ok, so he was fibbing a tiny bit; he had faked it in a couple of them, but he was eating up the reactions she was having.
(Y/n)'s eyes widened in realization. "Did I- when I had to climb the balcony- did I break in in the middle-"
Bucky chuckled, his eyes reflecting his humor. "Nah, doll, that was all just for fun."
(Y/n) stared up at him. Why was he still this close? Why was he stroking her cheek? "You mean- God, how often do you- I mean," (Y/n)'s cheeks flushed a little darker as she couldn't stop wondering just how much he needed to masturbate. He did things, put out podcasts or did livecasts, once a week, plus, if he was doing that time just for fun…
"How often do you, doll?" Bucky asked teasingly. He licked his lips and smirked. "You done it here?"
She looked at him warily, leaning back a little, and his breath heated in his chest.
Oh shit- she had. In that bed, where he'd lain with her? -in his clothes? The thought made his temperature skyrocket.
He'd been teasing, but her reactions were telling him everything, and he was reacting as any man would to knowledge that the person he loved had been touching themselves in his house, possibly in his clothes, and, dare he hope, as they thought of him.
Bucky looked at her with lust darkened eyes, and (Y/n) stepped back.
"Th-that is none of your damn business. You don't have to be a pervert, just because you do stuff like that…" She was trying to remain calm and not react.
Bucky licked his lips again and stepped back, feeling impending danger if the situation continued. "I was just wondering if that asshole had treated you well, since you seemed surprised that someone might need release more than once a week. He was probably more like once a month, huh?" Her cheeks darkened and he knew he'd hit the mark. "Poor doll. You deserve better, you know. I gotta head back up; break's over." Bucky left, grabbing a couple bottles of water before heading back to the stairs.
(Y/n) swallowed roughly. She had known that her sex life hadn't been the most engaging, or exciting, but the thought of doing it more than once a week- was that normal, or above average?
… … …
A few days passed, and everything seemed to settle back to normal, just as though they hadn't found out about their connection through the podcast.
Bucky didn't mention the podcast, and (Y/n) certainly didn't, either, so it surprised her when, a few days later, Bucky came to her with a proposal.
(Y/n) looked up as Bucky walked into the room, sitting so that he faced her on the couch.
"I've been thinking…"
"About what?" (Y/n) asked.
"Well… You're in a delicate position-"
"I told you; the bill at that restaurant took most of my rent money, but I will pay you," she cut in.
"Doll, I'm not worried about whatever money you think you're going to give me, and I'm serious when I say that I'm going to somehow magically repay you in a way you can't give it back, because I was taking you out. But, that's not what I was going to talk about. How about… You're in a unique position," he amended, looking at her for objection, "in that you listen to erotic podcasts not to do erotic things." His lips turned up a little as a flush crept up her cheeks. "Of course, as a writer-"
"You write those?!" She gasped.
"Of course I write them, do you think they fall from the sky?" He chuckled. "Oh, you thought I just went into my room, turned on the mic and started recording," he chuckled again, making her face heat more.
"Well, I figured it wouldn't take much to write 'Oh baby, feels so good, ahh,'" she mocked.
Far from being offended like (Y/n) had thought, he chuckled again. "Well, I don't really have to write that part, though I do have to remind myself to use some of the words I do. I mean, I don't use Dollface, gotta keep that one out, but one time, a lady donated and asked me to use baby cakes. That took some focus."
"You- that was- so you were paid for that?"
Bucky shrugged. "They pay, I please, that's the relationship that's been built."
(Y/n) shook her head. "That's like prostitution…"
"Not really. I only do what I feel comfortable with," he told her.
"That, that's like being your own pimp," she insisted.
Bucky raised a brow to her. "Ok… Look. I'm gonna level with ya. After that will you listen to my proposition with an open mind?"
(Y/n) shrugged, then nodded, and Bucky sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"When I got back from being deployed- …You know I have PTSD-"
She nodded.
"Well… one of the things they don't tell you about PTSD, is that it can affect your sex life."
(Y/n) looked at him in confusion.
"So, when you get home to your spouse and the rest of your family, you still can't come home to your spouse."
(Y/n) looked at him in surprise, her lips parting a little as her eyes widened.
Bucky cleared his throat uncomfortably, his eyes on his hands. "My friend Nat suggested- well- …I started with exposure therapy, which is to say, watching porn, moved on through a number of things, all focused on just, getting started-" He blushed as (Y/n) put a hand on his knee, "eventually, I could get that far, and the focus was being able to take touch, then pleasure, and finally, actually orgasm…"
"Bucky," (Y/n) whispered, feeling her heart squeeze. Something that others had out of nowhere sometimes, he'd had to struggle with.
"It's- it's not the erection," he was quick to correct, "I could usually do that, still, but the desire wasn't there, like seeing your favorite treat, but not wanting to eat it… I would get hard, but still not even want to have sex… Sometimes even just the thought of the intimacy was too much… so… I started doing the podcast as a sort of… I don't know, I guess you could call it therapy… but, talking about the fantasies and using them to get more comfortable with the thought of intimacy, it worked. And kept working, and made me feel better in more ways than one, so I kept doing it…"
He cleared his throat again and flashed a sexy smirk at her. "So, as I was saying. As a writer, I always want to improve my skills."
(Y/n) shifted back at the change in his demeanor, taking her hand from his knee.
"And since you're not affected by my erotic podcasts, I thought that you might be a good sounding board, or, uh, beta tester."
(Y/n)'s brow twisted in confusion, her jaw opening but no words leaving her mouth.
"Whaddaya say, doll? Wanna be my beta tester?"
"Y-you mean read through your, scripts or whatever you call them, and tell you if they're good?" She asked.
Bucky shook his head. "Naw, scripts can't tell you the tone of voice."
(Y/n) gulped. "You want me to listen to them, and then tell you if they're good?"
That didn't sound too bad, except that he would know that she was listening to them. Who knew what would be in there?!
The turn that Bucky's smirk took troubled her.
"Close, not quite. I was thinking- maybe, a live beta session." Bucky stood as she jumped from the couch, trepidation oozing from her pores.
"What the hell is a live beta session?"
"You know, like regular betaing, but real time; instead of a recording, you listen to me recording it."
"I- I-" she was about to tell him that he had a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, but paused, her face heating as she accused him, "You want to record yourself doing things to me?!"
Bucky's eyebrows shot up. "No- no, actually, it's- the next podcast is a guided masturbation, so I'm not even going to be doing anything but talking."
(Y/n) relaxed a little. "So, you just want me to sit there in your room while you say the things that the listener should do to themselves, and- what, tell you if it sounds ok, or if you're going too fast or something?"
Bucky licked his lips, slowly sitting back on the couch as she did the same and reached for her hands. He just held them for a moment, not saying anything, knowing that he was being greedy, then let them go, his flesh hand smoothing up and down his metal arm.
(Y/n) was starting to feel a little nervous in the silence, worried about what was coming, then, finally, he spoke.
"I want you to listen to it as a regular listener, but use your objectivity to tell me if it's good."
"As a…" (Y/n) contemplated for a moment, "you mean, that you want me to- to-" She had to take a breath and reclaim her cool. "You want me to masturbate, following your directions, as you record it?"
Bucky bit his lip, his body starting to show his interest. He was being so greedy by asking her to actually do it…
"And I'd be where, down the hall?"
Bucky's cheeks pinkened. "Um, actually… You'd have to be in the room with me-"
"God- I'm not doing that on your bed!"
That damned sexy smirk twisted his lips again. "You already have, Dollface. Remember when I was there, between your thighs, licking you to heaven-"
"Stop!" (Y/n) choked out with a violent flush spreading over her cheeks. "I- I'm not… no…"
"Aw, c'mon, doll- you're my only hope," he tilted his head like a cute little puppy with his puppy eyes, too, his smirk still in place.
"You- you giant nerd- don't quote Star Wars at me!"
He just kept smirking, trying to lure her with, "please, (Y/n), it'll really help me out. I'm doing so much better than I was, don't you want me to keep getting better?"
She was still leaning away from him uncertainly.
"It's nothing that you haven't don't before, and this is my job, I'll be professional… (Y/n)-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope," he told her, still smirking.
(Y/n) groaned as though in pain for a moment before finally relenting. "What would I have to do?"
Bucky's smirk widened. "Meet me in my room the day after tomorrow, about nine pm. Wear something comfortable. Then you just follow instructions, and I do the rest from there."
"What if I can't do it?" She asked.
"You can," he assured.
"What if I decide I don't want to?"
"We can stop any time you want, Dollface. Completely voluntary," he told her.
(Y/n) groaned again, hiding her face in her hands.