Chapter 25: Soos and the Real Girl
So this week, my school decided to make it so we were required to show our school ID every time we walked in the door. On Monday, I was walking in through the door after my third period class, which requires me to walk outside to access it. However, I was running a bit late thanks to the new security guy there. It normally takes me almost the entire passing period to get from third to fourth period. I tried to say I didn't have the time and that I could be late, but he wanted me to show my ID anyway. He said if I didn't show my ID, he would call the cops and have me charged with trespassing.
I did end up showing my ID and he let me go on my way.
And not to mention; tomorrow is the legendary once-in-a-lifetime occurrence of Easter falling on April Fools day.
I walked through the portal and saw Soos helping Mabel get unstuck from the screen door.
"Soos! You saved me." Mabel said.
"Heh heh. Just doing my job, hambone." Soos said. "I'll see you dudes tomorrow." Soos said, leaving through the door to the gift shop as everyone said goodbye.
"You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?" Mabel said.
"No." Dipper said.
"Not really." Wendy said.
"Not once ever." Stan said.
"He mostly just plays video games." I said.
~Time skip brought to you by: Star Vs. The Forces of Evil!~
I watched from the other side of the gift shop as Stan jumped out from behind a rack of post cards and startling a young kid.
"Please. Don't let my horrible, elderly face frighten you. Don't you wanna use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie?" Stan said, pulling a sheet off and revealing a strange looking prospector. "Watch this." Stan said, putting a nickel into the machine's slot. The machine whirred to life before the eyeballs popped out and oil spilled out all over while the machine uttered a horrifying screech, causing the child to run away crying.
"Okay. Seriously Mr. Pines, it's time to throw that thing out." Wendy said. "Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death."
"What? Sure, he's a little rusty on the edges, but old Goldie's a classic showstopper like me." Stan said, resting his hand on the machine, which slipped in the oil and causing his arm to go right into Goldie's mouth. "Kill it! Kill it!" Stan yelled, trying to get the machine off of his arm.
Meanwhile, Soos was restocking some shirts when he spotted a lady with a snowglobe. "Oh. A woman." Soos said, before sneaking into the rack of shirts that matched his. "Alright Soos, you can do this. Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen." Soos said, standing up and turning to the woman. "Your face is good. I'm a Soos." Soos said. The woman screamed and ran out of the gift shop quickly.
"Soos? What was that all about?" Dipper said, walking over to Soos in the shirt rack.
"I-I think I was flirting? But I'm not sure." Soos said.
"Did someone say flirting?" Mabel said, popping out of a barrel of question mark keychains.
"What were you doing in there?" I said. Mabel just shrugged.
"Well, I sorta promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before." Soos said. "You belong on me, out of order sign." Soos said, taking the out of order sign off of the vending machine and putting it on himself.
"Finally, my prayers for a chance to matchmake this summer have been answered!" Mabel said.
"Soos, a little advice." Stan said, walking up with Goldie no longer on his arm. "You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that I don't like your chances."
"Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck." Wendy said.
"Would you date him?" Stan said.
"Oh. Would you look at that." Wendy said, burying her face in her magazine.
"Soos, you help us so much, it's time we help you, dude." Dipper said. "We're gonna get you that date."
"We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die. To the mall!" Mabel said, as we all rushed into Stan's car and headed to the mall. Wendy stayed behind and Stan took Goldie so he could find a replacement. When we got there, we headed inside.
"I'm gonna find a replacement for old Goldie." Stan said. "Babysit Soos while I'm gone."
"Alright, Soos. Are you ready to explode a charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?" Mabel said.
"Uh… but what if I embarrass myself again?" Soos said nervously.
"Ah, you can't be any worse at this than Dipper." Mabel said.
"Yeah. Wait, what?" Dipper said, when Mabel blew a whistle she had brought with her.
"And… flirt!" Mabel said, before handing off her first piece of advice. "Eye contact." Mabel said, as Soos approached a lady.
"Hey there. I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna LOOK at them!" Soos said, opening his eyes further with his fingers, scaring the lady away. "Eye contact!"
"Okay, next tip! Conversation." Mabel said, as Soos approached a lady eating ham.
"Huh. You know, I've uh, actually been in a pig's body. Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?" Soos said as the lady backed away. "Not you though. Not that I'm calling you a pig. Hey, where you going?"
"Next tip! Confidence." Mabel said as Soos approached a goth person of indeterminate gender.
"So. You're probably a girl, right? …Wrong? No, I was right the first time. …Wrong?" Soos said, before eventually giving up.
"Don't worry, Soos. You'll find the right girl." Mabel said, getting a sticky hand out of a miniature vending-machine-like machine. (I don't really know what they're called.) "You just need to… stick with it!" Mabel said, firing the sticky hand onto Soos. "Ha ha!"
"Could this day get any worse?" Soos said, before turning his head. "Oh no! Cousin Reggie! He can't see me like this. I gotta hide!" Soos panicked, running into the nearby store. We walked into the store and saw Soos looking at a video game. "Huh. Never seen that one before. 'Virtually improve your dating skills. 9/10 basement dwellers recommend.' This is perfect!"
"Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting." Dipper said.
"Anything to get you out there, Soos." Mabel said.
"I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir." The clerk said. "This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says 'destroy at all costs'."
"So, hey there. What's your deal? Like to— oh no she's dead!" Soos said, talking to a cardboard cutout of a lady which fell over.
"We'll take our chances." Mabel said.
~Time skip brought to you by: Anthyding can hadplen!~
"Hey, have you guys seen Soos?" Dipper said as we walked in the Mystery Shack. "We're supposed to help him with matchmaking today.
"Yeah! I wore my motivational sweater and everything. I messed up that part." Mabel said, pointing to her sweater where she accidentally put only one 'O' in 'Soos' and tried to cram another one on.
"He didn't come in today. It's the first time he's missed work ever." Stan said.
"And he's been working here for, what, about a decade or so?" I said.
"We need to go check this out." Dipper said. We left the shack and walked over to Soos' house and into his room where we found him with the game he got earlier.
"Uh… Soos?" Mabel said.
"Oh hey, dudes! Come in!" Soos said. "This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for 13 hours!"
"Soos, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls." Mabel said.
"But I'm about to meet her parents. Her dad is an octopus-man." Soos said. Mabel simply opened the blinds, letting sunlight pour in the room.
"We're going back to the mall, man." Dipper said, dragging Soos out. "You need to unplug."
"I'll see you later, .GIFfany. I'll be back, I swear!" Soos said.
"Ha ha! Soos, you don't have to wish it goodbye. It's just a game!" Mabel said, closing the door to Soos' room. "It's not like it's going anywhere."
We headed to the mall again and Mabel began looking around.
"Dang! Where are all them sweet honeys at? I'll check the ladies' bathroom." Mabel said, running into the women's bathroom. "IT"S LOVE TIME, GIRLS! GET OUT THERE! NO TIME TO WASH YOUR HANDS! DATE! DATE! DATE!" Mabel said in a megaphone, causing several ladies to flee the bathroom.
"Aaand here comes security." Dipper said, spotting the security guard heading our way. "We'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real girls." Dipper said, taking me with him.
"So, can you explain what that girl is doing, scaring people in the bathrooms?" The male security guard said.
"Look, sir, we're so sorry about that." Dipper said. "She's my sister and we're trying to help our friend get a date, but she can get a little, um… overboard… sometimes."
"You do realize that if this continues, I'll have to ban you from the mall, right?" The security guard said. "Don't let it happen again."
"D-don't worry, we won't!" Dipper said.
"Good." The security guard said, walking off. Seconds later, Mabel approached.
"Mabel, you could've gotten us kicked out of the mall with that stunt you pulled." Dipper said. "Try to be more careful, okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Hey, where did Soos go?" Mabel said. We eventually found Soos on a kid's train.
"Please insert 50 cents to continue."
"Aw, man." Soos said.
"Hahahah. Oh, sorry." A woman said, walking over to Soos. "Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a train like that. You're totally, like, owning it."
"Huh? Oh yeah. I'm, like… if it's fun, uh… do it. You know?" Soos said.
"Exactly! Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills… I just wanna ride tiny trains all day." The woman said.
"At least you get to work at Meat Cute." Soos said, pointing at her apron. "Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future."
"I feel the same way. I'm Melody, by the way." Melody said.
"Oh, I'm Soos." Soos said, shaking Melody's hand.
"Guys, are you seeing this?!" Mabel said in a whisper. "This is amazing!"
"I tell ya. If you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time." Soos said.
"You mean…" Melody said, before they both began talking at the same time.
"Hoo Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree." They both said in unison.
"What? You've heard of Hoo Ha Owl's? I loved that place when I was a kid!" Melody said.
"Oh yeah, dude. There's one right here in this mall. I should show you sometime." Soos said.
"I'm… free around 8." Melody said.
"Boom. Done." Soos said.
"Perfect. I'll see you then." Melody said, giving Soos two quarters and leaving.
"What a nice lady." Soos said. "Well, back to riding this tiny train for children." Then Mabel ran up and tackled Soos.
"Ah, Soos!" Mabel said.
"We saw the whole thing Soos, that was amazing!" Dipper said. "You talked to a real girl! And you got a date!"
"I did?" Soos said.
"Ahh! Ahh! This is the best day of my life!" Mabel said.
"You were in the zone, you made eye contact; it was like you've done this a million times before." Dipper said. "Don't you see? That game really worked!"
"You don't need it anymore, you can toss it out!" Mabel said.
"Toss it? But I like .GIFfany." Soos said. "She's good to me. She's predictable."
"Soos. Can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?" Dipper said.
"Not to mention, predictable is boring." I said.
"Uh…" Soos said.
~Time skip brought to you by: Five Nights at Freddy's!~
Later at the mall, Dipper, Mabel and I were helping Soos get ready for his date at eight.
"Alright, you can do this Soos. Just remember what your love crew taught you!" Mabel said. "How does she look?"
"Nice!" Soos said.
"What are her stories?" Mabel said.
"Interesting!" Soos said.
"And who's gonna pay for dinner?" Mabel said.
"SOOS IS!" Soos yelled.
"Now date!" Dipper said, blowing an air horn as Soos ran in.
"They grow up so fast." Mabel said. "Let's go in and watch!"
"I don't see why not." Dipper said. We walked into the restaurant and got a pizza, cutting eye holes out of the box and watching. I ate a slice of the pizza too.
"Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now." Melody said.
"Heh heh. Uh… one time, I was so hungry, I ate the decorational bamboo in a chinese restaurant." Soos said. "Like a big ol' panda."
"You're hilarious!" Melody said, laughing.
"Ha ha! Well, you know, I… just sorta say whatever… pops into my, uh…" Soos said somewhat nervously, taking a drink of water, before suddenly spitting it out and coughing.
"Soos, are you okay?" Melody said.
"No! Uh, I'm fine. Everything's fine." Soos said nervously.
"You sure? You're spitting an awful lot." Melody said.
"Uh, could you sit tight? I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way." Soos said, running over to our table and sitting down.
"Soos, what are you doing out there?" Mabel said.
"I got a big problem, guys. I'm being stalked by .GIFfany." Soos said.
".GIFfany?" Dipper and Mabel said.
"Or maybe it's pronounced .JIFfany? I was never really sure." Soos said.
"It's .GIFfany." I said.
"Soos, get a grip on yourself. .GIFfany can't stalk you because she's not real." Dipper said, when the lights around us turned off and .GIFfany appeared on the screens above us.
"Uh oh." Mabel said.
"Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life; this will not end well." Dipper said.
"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she's stuck on TV screens." Soos said. Electricity zapped, and .GIFfany went across the various arcade game screens (defeating Rumble McSkirmish effortlessly with an 'eye zap') before going up to the stage.
"Oh boy." Soos said, running back to Melody. "So, hey. Anyway, you, uh, wanna move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?" Soos said nervously.
"What? But the floor show's about to start." Melody said as the lights dimmed and the curtains opened, showing the animatronics on stage. The animatronics acted as programmed before they shut down and electricity sparked as the beaver cheerleader was centered in the spotlight.
"Hello, friends. Hoo Ha the owl is dead." .GIFfany said in the animatronic as some music began to play. "This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos."
"Soos, what's going on?" Melody said.
"No time to explain! We gotta get out of here!" Soos said as we ran for the exit.
"The only way out Soos, is in my arms!" .GIFfany said as the animatronic she was possessing snapped its fingers and electricity zapped into the other animatronics. "After them." The animatronics came to life and became aggressive as everyone fled the restaurant. 'Five Nights at Freddy's, anyone?' Somehow, we were the last ones to reach the doors and the doors closed on us. "Sorry, Soos, but you can't run away from our relationship." .GIFfany said, zapping electricity into the skee-ball games, which began shooting at us. Soos tipped over an arcade game and we took shelter behind it.
"So, about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy." Soos said.
"Oh, I am crazy. Crazy for you, Soos." .GIFfany said, zapping electricity at us. Melody's hair caught fire, but it was quickly put out by Soos. 'I remember trying to put out a flame on a match by pinching it with my fingers when I was a little kid. It was really painful even for such a small flame. I can't imagine how much it would hurt to pat out the fire that was on her head.'
"I'm so sorry, Melody. I'll fix this. It's me that she wants." Soos said. "I'll distract her while Dipper, Mabel, and Nathan keep you safe. It's the only way!" Soos said, climbing over the arcade machine.
"Soos, these are children." Melody said.
"The only way!" Soos shouted, running at .GIFfany.
"We've been through much more dangerous situations than this and came out relatively unscathed before." I said. "For example, my body was possessed by a crazy intergalactic demon not that long ago."
"Yeah, that was probably the worst one so far." Dipper said.
"Over here, .GIFfany!" Soos said.
"Hey!" .GIFfany shouted as Soos ran into the kitchen.
"On three we split." Dipper said. "One, two…" Dipper was cut off as one of the animatronics chopped the arcade machine.
"Three." I said as we all ran in separate directions. After a brief scuffle, all of us were caught and forced to watch the exchange between Soos and .GIFfany.
"I've got you surrounded, Soos. There's no way out." .GIFfany said.
"Please. Let my friends go. I'll do anything you want; I promise." Soos said.
"I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend." .GIFfany said. "Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. You really think Melody is going to take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game with me. And we'll be together forever." .GIFfany said, as a USB input came out of her finger, inching towards Soos.
"Stay back!" Soos said, backing away and throwing things at .GIFfany.
"Come on, Soos." .GIFfany said. "Don't make me delete you too. What do you say?"
"I say game over, .GIFfany!" Soos said, throwing the game disc into the oven. The animatronic screamed as its face melted off and fell over as .GIFfany disappeared. 'Five Nights at Freddy's 3, anyone?' The animatronics holding us powered down, releasing us into the ball pit directly below us. Soos and Melody met back up and began talking.
"I'm sorry for all this. I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid." Soos said.
"Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates." Melody said.
"Really?" Soos said.
"Never date a magician." Melody said.
"Ew. Why would I?" Soos said. "Oh, hey. You wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week. I promise there's like, zero robot badgers."
"Heh heh. Yeah. I'll still be in town then." Melody said.
"'Still be in town'?" Soos said.
"I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks. But we can video chat, if that's okay with you." Melody said.
"A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer. Sounds perfect!" Soos said.
"Spirit of love. We did it!" Mabel said.
"Yes, yes. I am so happy." Abuelita said, popping out in the ball pit with us.
"Have you been following us all day?" Dipper said.
"Soos' life is my soap opera." Abuelita said.
"Okay." I said. "I'll see you twins later." I said, walking through the portal.