AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's here! The wait is over! Holy balls, it has been a craptastic couple of weeks, so I do apologize for the looong delay. Let's all be thankful that Monday was a holiday and I had no school (students are the only ones who count down to days off). Also, please go YouTube Jason Castro's "You Can Always Come Home" and Ingrid Michaelson's "Can't Help Falling In Love". Both are fantastic songs and both are included in this chapter. You know my usual opinion: it's best to play the songs as you read the scenes or at least have them in your head. Blah blah blah…
DISCLAIMER: STILL don't own these characters. You'd think that after all these chapter's that'd change…alas…no dice.
— Glee —
We Love, We Lose, We Start Again
Chapter Twenty-Five: Realizations Part II
"You need to let go of this, Tina," Mike said with a sigh from his spot on the bed. "You're driving yourself crazy over something that isn't even your fault."
Tina Cohen-Chang had spent the entire afternoon pacing and worrying over the status of Blaine and Sebastian's relationship. She had been talking non-stop about the incident at The Lima Bean at, and not with, Mike. Despite his best efforts to calm her nerves and debunk the fears she had, she was still convinced that it was entirely her fault.
"You weren't there Mike, you didn't see—"
"I don't need to have been there to know that this was something beyond your control," his quiet, calm voice traveled across the room. He stood up and moved to stand behind his girlfriend, placing his hands comfortingly on her shoulders and stilling her movements.
"But—"
"Is Blaine your best friend?"
"Yes," she answered with an annoyed sigh.
"Do you love him and want nothing but happiness for him?"
"Of course I d—"
"Do you honestly like Sebastian and think he is good for Blaine?" Mike asked, cutting Tina off.
"I do," she responded.
"And did you show him the text because you wanted to betray Blaine or you wanted to hurt either of them?"
"No," Tina said, turning around and glaring at her boyfriend for even suggesting the idea.
"Are you sure? Because showing him that text wasn't exactly the best move, Tina. It kinda looks like you wanted them to brea—"
"No, I showed Sebastian that text because he's my friend now too. I love Blaine, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything he does. I know Sebastian doesn't handle surprises well and I thought that it might help him deal with whatever Blaine was going to say better! I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I did it. I even tried to tell him that maybe we were reading Blaine's message without the whole story or that we were wrong, or whatever. I did! It ended up being a stupid move that I already apologized for, but you don't get to stand there and try to make it sound like I don't care about Blaine or that I wanted this to happen!"
Tina was fuming as she glared at her boyfriend, her finger pointing in his face to express her anger, just as Cooper had showed them that day during the acting class he taught. She was about to tear into him again when she was momentarily stopped by the wide grin that appeared on his face. The sight only fueled to anger her more.
"I don't know what you think is so funny, but yo—"
"Calm down," Mike soothed as he took a step forward and grabbed the accusing finger and held it in his hand. "Of course I don't want to insinuate anything like that. I don't believe anything I just said Tina, but I wanted to show you that deep down, neither do you."
Tina blinked.
Mike had tricked her. Why did he have to be so much smarter than her? Mike's maturity and intelligence were usually qualities that she adored in her boyfriend, but at that moment, they served to really piss her off. Whatever happened to being able to wallow in one's self-pity?
"You know, you coulda just let me complain a little more," Tina pouted before smiling as Mike pulled her into his chest.
The tall boy smiled as he squeezed her gently, taking in the smell of her shampoo, "I'm sorry. Next time I'll let you complain all you'd like. I'll even nod and mumble encouraging sounds when you look at me as if you're right."
"Thanks," she whispered with a smile, though it began to falter as she thought back to what had happened after Sebastian had stormed out of the coffee shop.
Tina watched as Sebastian shoved his way past Blaine and around the corner, out of sight. As soon as he was gone, she leapt from her seat and rushed to his friend.
"Blaine! What happened? Is he coming back? What did he s—"
"What did he mean?"
Blaine's question caused her to stop mid-question, mid-freakout, and stare. He didn't look sad. He didn't look heartbroken like she thought he would. She imagined that he'd cry. She thought that if Sebastian were to storm off, he might chase after him or slump into a seat, dejected by the notion of being abandoned. She thought he would be crushed and she was preparing words to soothe Blaine on her way over to him, while crossing the ten or so feet that separated them.
But Blaine wasn't sad. He wasn't dejected. He wasn't heartbroken.
He was angry.
"What did he mean, Tina, when he said he had to read about me seeing Kurt?" Blaine repeated, his voice oddly calm despite the anger written across his brow.
She'd never seen him in such a state. She'd see Blaine annoyed. She'd seen him angry. She once experienced a grumpy Blaine because he had slept past his alarm and was unable to drink his morning coffee, but she had never seen him pissed off like he was at that moment.
"W—what do you mean?" she stumbled over her words, her affected stutter returning in sincerity, unbeknownst to her.
"Why did Sebastian know that I had talked to Kurt? Why did he know that it went well? Why did he act like I cheated on him or something!?"
The last of his questions was as close to screaming as Blaine had ever gotten, granted, most people would only have classified it as a slightly louder than normal volume.
Tina's shoulders dropped as her lips began to tremble. She could feel the tears well up in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. He was right. She had shown Sebastian her phone when it wasn't her place. She deserved to feel as horribly as she did in that moment. She made a mistake and it was time for her to accept responsibility for her action.
"Because," she paused as she drew in a deep breath, "he…well…I mean, he knew because I showed him your texts."
She mentally berated herself. She had wanted to be honest and tell him what she had done in an adult voice, willing to accept the consequences of her actions, yet her words came out in a hoarse whisper, delivered by a childlike face that was tipped towards the ground, unable to meet his eyes.
"I'm so sorry Blaine," she quickly recovered, "I knew it was stupid as soon as I did it. I tried to fix it. I tried to explain that maybe we were just reading it wrong or that you meant something else. But this is just a misunderstanding, right? I mean, it's not like you did anything with Kurt, so we can just find him and explain that he's freaking out over nothing. I mean, really it's shouldn't be that hard to…"
Her words trailed off as she turned and watched him sit at her abandoned table. She knew the look on his face. She knew that he was beating himself up in his head, but why? What could Blaine possibly have done to make him blame himself when it was clearly hers and Sebastian's fault for what had happened: hers for showing him the texts and his for jumping to conclusions and not waiting for a proper explanation.
"Blaine?" she asked as she tentatively moved forward, unsure of whether or not he even wanted her there.
The closer she got, the more she could see the lines of annoyance and self-scolding that had to be taking place beneath his gelled helmet.
"No."
No? No what? Maybe Blaine was in shock? What sense did it make to say just "no"?
"What…what do you mean?" she gently prodded, kneeling in front of her friend and staring into his eyes, looking for any hint as to what he could be talking about. She was greatly discouraged when she saw massive amounts of sadness and hurt in them. Her heart broke, knowing that she was partly responsible.
"I…seeing Kurt…he…well, I…I wasn't exactly the best boyfriend at the end."
His disconnected words and the regret that laced them tore at her heart.
"Oh, Blaine…" she sighed as she pulled a chair closer to him and grabbed his hands in her own. She wished there was more that she could do. Clearly going back in time was out of the question.
Nothing. There was nothing to do but to hold him and hope to God that Sebastian would somehow come to his senses.
— Glee —
"Took you long enough to open the door. Did I interrupt your jack off time or something?" Nick teased as he walked into Sebastian's new apartment and kicked off his shoes. It wasn't his first time in the teen's new home, having helped him set up the space a little when he moved in.
"Fuck off," came Sebastian's lazy reply. Nick frowned, at the lack of effort in his friend's comeback. Clearly, Tina was right to call him.
Nick had received a call from the girl earlier in the afternoon, explaining what had happened in the café the day before in very general terms and that no one had talked to Sebastian since. Seeing as how Blaine never got a chance to actually go to Sebastian's apartment, they had no idea where the emancipated teen was.
"So what's this I hear about you and Blaine breaking up…again?" the accusation clearly evident in his question.
Their constant back and forth with their relationship status was bordering on something out of a teen soap opera. It seemed as if a week didn't pass without Sebastian sticking his foot in his mouth and hurting Blaine somehow, only for Sebastian to blow things out of proportion and break up with the former Warbler. When he got the call from Tina, he assumed that Sebastian had probably made a stupid comment about bow ties or chinos. They would probably talk it out and then they'd play a game of Mario Cart before he sent Sebastian over to Blaine's house to apologize.
He sighed when he saw Sebastian's reaction. He noticed his friend's shoulders tense up and mentally prepared himself for the shouting that would surely follow. He'd been friends with Sebastian long enough to know when the boy's anger was flaring. This was certainly one of those times.
"I don't want to talk about it," Sebastian said as he turned away from Nick, avoiding eye contact. Though his voice was calm and even, it was almost too calm, and Nick knew that to be a sign of his annoyance and anger being carefully kept in check. An overly calm Sebastian was often times a dangerous Sebastian.
"Well that's too bad, because we're about to Oprah it out with this. Come on Man, this is stupid. You guys have broken up and gotten back together an ass load of times now. I don't get why this is any diff—"
"I said I don't wanna talk about it," Sebastian bit back, interrupting Nick's words.
Nick frowned as he pressed on, "And I said that I don't give a shit. Tina told me that you guys got into another argument over some stupid misunderstan—"
"Yeah? Well Tina needs to mind her own fucking business," Sebastian hissed, any hints of his patience quickly disappearing.
"She's just trying to help. We both are. Why are you being such a little bitch?"
"Because that's who I am," he snapped back, "isn't it? Aren't I just the little bitch who flips out over everything? Huh? Who fucking ruins things and gets what he deserves?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Nick asked, completely bewildered.
What had Tina not told him to get Sebastian so riled up? He'd seen Sebastian angry. He'd seen the boy livid. He remembered what he was like the last time he had broken up with Blaine. But that? That was a completely different level of "defensive and angry" that Nick had not yet experienced. Maybe being so direct wasn't the best of strategies? Unfortunately, it was a bit too late to take it back.
"Never mind," Sebastian said as he began walking away.
"Hey! What the fuck? We're talking here!" Nick yelled at the retreating figure.
"No, you're over here sticking your dick in someone else's business where it doesn't belong. We're not talking. You're fucking pissing me off!"
"And you're avoiding whatever the fuck your problem is. Haven't you figured out by now that ignoring whatever's going on doesn't make it go away? It just makes it worse. Get your head out of your ass and fucking man-up for once!" Nick returned, completely unconcerned with the neighbors that surely were able to hear their conversation perfectly through the walls, floors, and ceilings. He imagined that someone had probably called the cops by that point with all their yelling.
"It's not me who has his head up his ass, but of course it has to be my fault, right? I mean, I am the Fuck Up in this relationship. But guess what, it's not me this time! This time it's fucking perfect Blaine Anderson. He's the one who fucked up, not me! So fuck you and fuck your little charity visit here! I don't need it and I don't need you! Get the fuck out of my house!"
Nick could see his friend unraveling before his eyes. This was a different Sebastian. Gone were the days of carefully scripted remarks, perfectly mastered eyebrow raises, and cutting sneers. This was a raw Sebastian, completely unmasked and a bit of an emotional mess. His hair wasn't perfectly styled like it usually was, and if the sweat pants and t-shirt the boy had on were any indication, he clearly wasn't his normal self. Something was seriously wrong, and as much as Nick wanted to calm himself and assure his friend that he was on his side no matter what, Nick's pride and being screamed at was getting in the way: he wasn't about to swallow his pride when his friend was screaming obscenities at him.
"Fuck you, Smythe! I came over because you're my friend for some stupid reason that I can't even think of right now!"
"Well no one asked you to!" Sebastian returned.
"They don't have to! That's what decent human beings do! But I guess it's probably a little hard for you to understand that right now. That requires someone to have a heart. And right now, you're being a fucking little bitch who doesn't care about anyone but him—"
Before he was able to finish his thought, Nick found himself lying on the ground with a throbbing pain in his left check. He was staring up at Sebastian, his mind finally realizing what had happened.
Sebastian punched him.
Nick brought his hand up to his cheek for a moment before he jumped up and connected his fist with Sebastian's face, registering the pain in his knuckles as he watched Sebastian fall backwards onto the floor after the contact.
"What they fuck was that for?!" Nick yelled. The next words out of Nick's mouth went unused as he felt more than saw Sebastian launch himself at his middle. The two boys went flying back to the floor, rolling around, and landing hits wherever they could. Grunts and yells of pain were mixed with curses and the sounds of furniture and objects being moved around and falling to the floor.
The boys finally stopped when Nick was able to pin Sebastian down and hold his wrists to the floor. He stared down at the boy who was still thrashing around, trying in vain to free himself from the hold. Nick was taken aback by the look in his Sebastian's eyes. There was an anger there that made him almost unrecognizable. In a word, the defiant boy looked crazy.
"Get the fuck off of me!"
"What's going on?" Nick asked as he got off of Sebastian and sat back on the floor, watching his friend carefully for any signs of a repeat performance. He watched as Sebastian propped himself up on his elbows and directed a glare at him.
"Blaine's back together with Hummel," the name coming out of his mouth like a dirty word.
Nick just stared. That couldn't be right. When he had spoken to Tina, she told him that Blaine was beyond upset that Sebastian had misunderstood him over whatever happened.
"Dude, no they're not."
The short sentence made Sebastian return his eyes to Nick and for a split second, he could see a look of hope arrange itself on the boy's face before a scowl returned.
"What do you know? I was there, I asked him if he kissed Hummel and he said—"
"Look Man, I don't know what he said or what happened. All I know is that Blaine's all bummed over what happened. Tina said he was weird and stuff and that he's definitely not with Kurt. She said you misunderstood what happened. I think you jumped to conclusions on this one."
Sebastian just sat there, looking confused and pathetic. Nick almost felt bad for his friend. Almost. His ability to sympathize was being blocked by the massive amounts of pain coursing through his body.
"You hear what I said? Blaine's not with Kurt."
A few seconds of time passed with Sebastian not saying anything. Nick sighed, and carefully scooted over until he was sitting next to the other boy. They sat in silence together. Nick knew enough to know that this was a time where Sebastian would talk when he was ready.
"I told him I loved him."
Sebastian smiled shyly as he strummed the last chord of the song and mouthed "I love you" to the phone that Tina was holding. She smiled even wider when Tina all but collapsed in her chair. He announced he would take a five minute break to the one person listening, Tina. As he made his way to the table to sit, Tina was practically bouncing in her seat, squealing at a pitch that rendered her words unrecognizable to the male species. He was sure that he needed a vagina and a French manicure to be able to understand her ramblings.
"That was the sweetest thing I think I've ever seen," she gushed, finally at a semi-normal pitch.
"You don't think it was too much? The 'I love you' at the end felt like overkill I think…" Sebastian's voice trailed off and he failed at doing his best to keep his anxiety in check. His heart was racing in his chest at what he had just said. He couldn't remember ever uttering those words together. Declarations of love weren't a normal thing in the houses he grew up in.
"Are you kidding? That was so perfect. He's gonna love it! I almost got pregnant watching that," Tina rambled as she fiddled with her phone and sent the video.
"I don't think I've ever said that before," Sebastian confessed, stopping himself before continuing on that thought.
"You can trust him, you know."
"Huh?" he asked, being pulled out of his thoughts.
"Blaine. You can trust him when you tell him you love him. I know you two have been through a lot since you got together, and even before that I guess, but he's a good guy Sebastian. He won't ever hurt you…not on purpose at least," she added the last part with a small smile.
Sebastian smiled as he took comfort in her words and felt a warmth surround him. He was also saddened by his admission. How was it possible that a 17 year old had never told someone that he loved them? It wasn't as though his parents were very deserving of that type of declaration, but how had he never told Will that?
Will.
He winced slightly at the memory of his brother. Will knew he loved him, right? He did. Sebastian was sure of it and he knew that his brother would probably tell him to get a grip over himself. He could imagine his brother scowling and shaking at finger at him, telling him that superheroes needed to be fearless and that he wasn't being fearless with Blaine.
Sebastian shook his head as he smiled at Tina and made his way back to his microphone. He was being stupid. Of course he could trust Blaine. Of course everything would be okay. For once in his life, Sebastian had found someone who was worth being fearless. He wasn't going to mess things up like he had in the past. As he began singing his next song, he felt a bubbling of excitement in his stomach as he thought about what Blaine would say when he saw him.
He was certain that everything would be perfect.
"Oh."
Nick didn't know what to say. It was as if everything clicked into place for him. Sebastian's admission made his actions very clear. Sebastian wasn't the type to comfortably make himself vulnerable. He wasn't the type to open up, but he had. He had told Blaine he loved him and obviously something had gone wrong. It made sense. Why else would he act the way he had?
"I think you need to talk to him," he watched Sebastian out of the corner of his eye as the boy slowly nodded. The two boys continued sitting there in the middle of the living room with knocked over boxes and their contents strewn about the room.
"Do you honestly think he's back with Kurt?" Nick asked after another minute or two of silence had passed.
"I don't know," came Sebastian's hoarse whisper.
"Look Man, I know you think it's not any of my business, but whatever he did, you owe him the chance to explain himself. The guy's given you a billion second chances and you're just writing him off the first time he fucks things up a little? That doesn't seem right."
Sebastian only nodded his head slightly, keeping his eyes locked on the floor.
"You guys are good together. When you're not fighting and acting like chicks, you're good. I don't think your pride is worth giving him up," Nick shrugged as he spoke, "You guys deserve to be happy and I think that you can be happy with each other. You just need to get over yourself and listen to him."
Nick nodded his head before pushing himself off the ground and standing up. He turned around and held a hand out to Sebastian who stared at it for a second before accepting the offer. The two stood there in more silence looking at each other, but understanding the other's thoughts.
Sebastian, looking at Nick, slowly nodded his head after sighing.
Nick smiled, feeling better that his friend was going to fix things. He walked over to his shoes and slipped them on before pulling on his jacket that he had grabbed from one of the sofas. He walked up to Sebastian had gave him a tight hug, smiling to himself when he felt the other boy tense up in his arms.
"I know I'm single now, but don't you think you're jumping the gun a little on this?"
Nick laughed as he pulled away from Sebastian and slapped him with a medium amount of force. He watched as Sebastian stepped backwards, dazed from the action.
"And if you ever throw a bitch fit again and come at me like that, I will knock your ass flat," he said before fixing his friend with a glare and walking into the hallway.
— Glee —
"So you've been talkin' to Kurt this whole time?" Sam asked from his spot on the bed.
Blaine nodded his head as he played with the duvet cover over his lap and under his still carefully positioned laptop computer. He felt slightly guilty that he had never told Sebastian that he was still in contact with his ex-boyfriend.
"Did Sebastian know about that?"
Blaine shook his head, answering the question.
"I dunno, Dude. I mean, I get that you weren't doing anything, but that seems like something you should've mentioned to him. I'd wanna know if my girl was still talking to her ex," Sam said.
"I know," Blaine said, again feeling guilty and doing his best to ignore the fact that he had just been referred to as Sebastian's "girl", "but I guess I just didn't want to have to deal with how he'd feel. I knew I wasn't cheating or anything. We were honestly just being friends again. Kurt knew about Sebastian. I had told him that we were giving things a shot. Sebastian can be…well…he can be a little jealous and insecure. I knew he wouldn't take the news well."
Sam nodded and Blaine felt slightly embarrassed. He hadn't just explained his actions to Sam; he had defended them. Whenever an action required defending, it usually meant that it was something that shouldn't have been done in the first place.
"So did you end up telling Sebastian about talking to Kurt?"
Blaine winced and tilted his head, "Sort of."
"What'd he say?"
"That's," Blaine paused as he took in a big breath and exhaled, "that's sort of where the argument happened."
"What do you mean?"
"He saw some texts I had sent to Tina, telling her about Kurt. They sort of made it look like I was getting back together with him."
"With Kurt?" Sam asked incredulously.
Blaine nodded his head yes as he sighed, his entire demeanor communicating his disappoint with what things had turned into.
"Oh," Sam said, seemingly understanding what had happened and why his friend's boyfriend had been so upset. But the more he thought about it, the less clear it actually became. Why would that cause Sebastian to break up with Blaine? Sure, part of it made sense, but it didn't make sense that Sebastian would leave before Blaine had a chance to explain things.
"Wait, I don't get it. I mean, I get that he's pissed because he thought you were getting back together with Kurt. I mean, I'd be pissed too. That makes sense, but I don't get why you didn't just tell him that he was wrong, that you weren't actually getting back together with him?"
"He didn't give me a chance," Blaine explained. He sighed when Sam looked at him in confusion and explained further.
"He didn't give me a chance because he was really angry with me," Blaine tried again, and again, Sam only looked at him in confusion.
"He…" his words felt clumsy in his mind and on his lips, "before I got there, he…he had just told me that," another pause and long breath, "he told me that loved me."
"Oh."
"I don't get it, Tina," Blaine lamented in his chair, "I don't get why he acted like that. I mean, yeah, it's not exactly something you want to hear from your boyfriend, but…"
Blaine's words trailed off and the confused puppy-dog look on his face appeared. Tina hated that look. That look always tore her heart in half.
"…but…but why did he react like that? It doesn't make sense. I've—he's…he's never looked at me like that before. I mean…he…he looked at me like I was disgusting, or something. He's never…"
Blaine's words once again trailed off. It was clear that he had no idea how to communicate his thoughts. All the pauses between his words told Tina that he felt lost.
"Well," she began, not sure of how to tell him, "he…well he umm…I…I think you need to see something," she said as she shakily held out her phone to her friend. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on her: she was well aware that that was the second time she held out her phone to a friend, afraid of how they'd receive its contents. Phones were evil, Tina had decided. They brought nothing but bad news.
She watched as Blaine looked at her with confusion before bringing his eyes to the phone screen and tapping the play button. She heard the video start playing and watched as Blaine couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips once Sebastian started speaking. When the music began and he started singing, she watched as Blaine's expression changed. The first few lyrics played out of the speakers and she saw realization flood his eyes. It was a crushing moment for her to witness. Blaine's boyfriend was telling him that he loved him, but instead of being able to find joy in the moment, he was forced to think of how he had betrayed that trust with his actions with Kurt, even if they were unintentional. She watched a single tear fall from Blaine's eye as the video ended. She could see him fighting back the army of tears that were surely on the cusp of spilling down his cheeks.
"He loves me," Blaine whispered, his voice sounding harsh and strained.
Tina nodded her head, cringing at the moment and its awkwardness. She tried to think of something to say, opened her mouth a few times in hopes that something wise might spill out, only to be disappointed at her muteness.
She was surprised when Blaine stood up from his chair as if he was about to leave. She stood up and called out his name when he turned his back to her. She was hopeful when he stopped. She couldn't let her friend walk away like that. He meant too much to her for that.
"I can't, Tina," Blaine said, turning his head slightly to the side, though not actually enough to look at her, "I just can't right now."
Tina felt the tears fall silently as she watched her best friend walk away from her.
Blaine looked at Sam and could see the pity in his eyes. He never considered himself to be a proud person, but in that moment, he understood why Sebastian always hated being pitied. It made him feel small and incapable of handling his life, like he was weak and powerless.
"Well that makes sense…I guess…" Sam mumbled awkwardly, obviously not sure of what to say.
The two boys sat on the bed, praying that the other would say something to fill the silence. Blaine bit his lip, trying to think of what to say. Thankfully, he was spared further moments of discomfort when Sam spoke, though his words didn't bring as much relief as he'd hoped.
"So that's why Tina told me to come over instead of coming over herself," Sam said, nodding to himself as his brain worked. He continued speaking when he noticed the look of confusion on Blaine's face.
"Think about it," he said, "you walked away after she told you and after you got all pissy that she showed Sebastian your texts."
"I didn't get pissy, I jus—"
"I don't mean pissy like pissy, but I mean pissy like you were mad that she did that. Which, I mean yeah, I get that it's a pretty crappy move for her, but she probably thinks you hate her or something," Sam explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"What? Hate—I don't hate her, Sam! Why would she think that?" Blaine asked, horrified that his friend would even suggest the thought.
"Dude, she's a chick. They don't need a reason to be crazy. They just are."
"I feel like there were some serious sexist undertones to that comment," Blaine said, raising an eyebrow, but happy that Sam was providing a nice distraction from his problems.
"But am I wrong?" Sam asked with a wide, cocky grin.
Blaine couldn't help himself and started to laugh. He always found it impossible not to laugh when Sam was around. As much as it pained him to think that Tina thought he hated her, he was glad that she had sent him over for support: Sam was exactly who he needed to get out of his mind and situation. As the awkwardness left and they continued their conversation, Blaine's phone went off on his side table.
"Maybe that's her right now, asking you to forgive her with a bunch of smiley face thingies," Sam teased as he leaned back further into the mattress.
Blaine smiled as he turned and reached for the small device. His smile disappeared and his laughter stopped when he saw the message preview on his unlock screen. He blinked a few times, wanting to make sure he wasn't seeing things.
"You OK B?" Sam asked as he sat up from his laying position, after seeing Blaine's reaction to the text.
"It's Sebastian," he paused, thoughts flying through his mind, "he's in my backyard."
Sam immediately jumped up from his spot on the bed and ran over to the window in Blaine's room that faced the backyard. He ignored Blaine's cries of protest, telling him to get away from the window, and pulled the curtain to the side as he swatted Blaine's hands away behind his back without turning around.
"Sam!"
"He's standing there with a guitar. Oh, he looks surprised to see me. Whoa, now he looks annoyed. Oh, I think he might think we're doing each other or something. I should tell him that we're not," Sam said as he peered out the window, all the while ignoring Blaine's pleadings to back away from the window.
Blaine watched in horror as Sam tried to signal with his hands that they weren't actually having sex. Apparently shaking his head no while pointing to himself and him and mimicking a blowjob was Sam's idea of denying any sexual activity. Blaine brought his palms to his face as he imagined Sebastian's reaction to what was happening.
He quickly walked up the Sam and grabbed the taller boy by his shoulders and yanked back as hard as he could. He felt a small amount of satisfaction when the muscular blonde let out a most undignified yelp and fell backwards onto the floor. He then went to the window and pulled the curtain back and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Sebastian still standing there, looking adorably confused. He smiled and waved, smiling even wider when the wave was returned. He turned back to look at Sam who was getting off the floor with a frown on his face ("Not cool, Dude!") before turning back to Sebastian and holding one finger up, asking the boy outside to wait. He watched as Sebastian smiled and nodded his head in understanding.
"Sorry about that," Blaine winced as he turned around to face Sam.
"You could've just asked me to move," Sam mumbled, grabbing his jacket off of Blaine's desk chair and putting it on. "And don't worry, I get that you guys probably wanna talk, so I'm gonna head out."
Blaine smiled and thanked his friend for understanding. The two made their way down the stairs. After thanking Sam for coming over and wishing him a Merry Christmas, since the day was so close, he grabbed his own coat from the hall closet and slipped on a pair of shoes before walking through the living room and family room. He stopped when he noticed that his parents were missing, but then saw a note the refrigerator saying that they had been asked over to a friend's house for a last minute Christmas party.
He continued until he got to the set of French doors at the back of the house that led to their deck. After stepping into the cold, December night air, Blaine suddenly felt the butterflies in his stomach start to do aerial acrobatics. As he walked out more onto the deck, he could hear Sebastian's guitar as the other boy began playing.
"Sebastian," Blaine said, his breath forming clouds and figures in the air as small flakes of snow fell around them, "what are you doing here?"
Sebastian smiled as he continued playing, though Blaine could see through the act and knew that he was nervous.
"I'm sorry for how I reacted, Blaine. I shouldn't have run out like that, but with everything and how I…you know…" his voice trailed off and his mask of confidence quickly disappeared.
Blaine nodded his head guiltily, showing that he understood what Sebastian meant.
"I just…I was a little more…God I don't want to say sensitive, that's such a girly word…" Sebastian looked around, and took a deep breath before continuing, "I just want you to know that I understand if this is what you want, Blaine."
"What I want? Sebastian, what do you me—"
"I said that I lo—that I love you," the words coming out awkwardly, like a newly born giraffe taking its first steps, "and I meant it. I really think we have something here, Blaine, and if I need to wait for you to be sure of that, to realize that too, then that's what I'll do."
Blaine was flabbergasted. Not only did Sebastian just tell him he loved him to his face, but he also still believed that he, Blaine, was getting back together with Kurt and that he would wait for him. It was almost too much information for his mind to take.
"Sebastian, I—"
"No," Sebastian interrupted, "no, you don't need to say anything Blaine. Just…I just wanted to play something for you. Just let me sing this for you." There was a pleading in his eyes that Blaine couldn't deny. He hesitantly nodded his head for Sebastian to continue. He could feel his jaw tremble as puffs of his breath escaped his lips. He was hypnotized and stood rooted to his spot on the deck as Sebastian started singing, his words dancing through the air and warming his heart.
I don't think he deserves you.
I'm gonna come right out and say it
Even though I hardly know him at all.
That's what makes this so hard.
Cause I remember he hurt you,
Told you he didn't have the time
To see you or even answer your calls,
After breaking your heart.
Blaine closed his eyes and could almost feel the old pain that he lived through with Kurt. He remembered the feelings of rejection and inadequacy. He also remembered having those same feelings of abandonment with Sebastian and how the boy would flee at the first sign of trouble.
I know we barely even started but I fully believe
That you could of been the one for me.
And I miss what we might've had.
Honey I miss what we could've done.
I wrote a sad song about it and I'm still pretty bitter
But I'm happy if you're happy he won.
And I still miss you in the night, but I want you to know:
If he leaves you cold in the city, aching for a lover,
Honey you can always come home.
As the interlude between the verses played, Blaine fought against his deep, primal urge to hop over the small railing and run into Sebastian's arms. He was saying he loved him. He, Blaine Anderson, had a boy standing in his backyard in the middle of winter, singing him a love song about how much he loved him. It was everything he had ever wanted. It was perfect.
Do you ever stop to think that he did it to you once
So he's probably gonna do it again?
Or do you defend that he's angel of virtue?
Well, "He made a mistake and it cost him what he loves.
He knows what he's done,
He's sorry for it now and he's never gonna leave" you again?"
Well maybe you're right but I still believe
That you coulda been the one for me.
And I miss what we might've had.
Honey I miss what we could've done.
I wrote a sad song about it and I'm still pretty bitter
But I'm happy if you're happy he won.
And I still miss you in the night, but I want you to know:
If he leaves you cold in the city, aching for a lover,
Honey you can always come home.
If he leaves you cold in the city and you're begging for a lover,
Honey you can always come home.
As the last note rang in the night, Blaine was at a loss for words.
"That's…pretty much what I wanted to say," Sebastian said awkwardly, as if he wasn't able to decipher the look on Blaine's face. When the shorter boy remained silent, Sebastian slowly nodded his head and smiled an apology before starting to walk away.
"I'm not with him!" Blaine shouted, unsure of why he chose to say it like that.
"Huh?"
"Kurt…we…we're not getting back together," Blaine explained, "I wasn't lying when I told you that. He's just a friend, Sebastian. It was never more than that."
"But what about the kissing?" he asked, his voice small like a child's, unsure of himself and what he was saying.
"It was a goodbye. He asked for one last kiss," Blaine responded before looking at the ground, "It was wrong of me. It wasn't fair to you to do that. I should have said 'no,' but I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, Sebastian."
"So you…you really just went to say goodbye?"
Blaine could hear the hope in his voice.
"Yes," he answered quietly, hoping that the other boy would finally believe him.
"Oh God, Blaine," Sebastian said, his entire demeanor changing, "you have no idea…I'm so sorry! God, I hate that I'm a broken record with that. I didn't mean to—I shouldn't have—Fuck! I'm sorry! I swear, this is the last freak out, I promise! God, I'm such a fuck up!..."
He watched as Sebastian continued his rant, walking around the deck and making his way up the stairs. They were standing just inches apart, finally. Sebastian sighed, struggling to force himself into maintain eye contact with Blaine.
"I'm sorry Blaine," he whispered, tentatively reaching forward and gently taking Blaine's hand in his own. He smiled when the shorter boy didn't pull away and took a step closer.
"I love you, Blaine Anderson," he smiled, "I love you and…and I'm not afraid to say it. You don't have to say it. I—I don't care if you say it. All I know is that I love you and I want you to know that. I want you to be mine, Blaine. I want—I want you to be mine a—and I want to be yours and all that stupid romantic stuff that happens in movies and on TV," the two boys laughed at Sebastian's version of a romantic speech.
"I know I keep fu—messing things up, I know it and I'm so, so sorry for that Blaine. But I want you to know that I'm trying and that I really want to be better because you deserve that. You deserve someone that's way better than me, Blaine. You do because you're…you're just…you're perfect. You're amazing. You're this incredible person that was stupid enough to give me the time of day, to forgive me when I almost blinded you. See? I mean, you're even amazing when people do horrible things to you."
Blaine couldn't help the dopey grin that appeared on his lips. He felt his cheeks burning, and knew that his face was a bright red. He'd never seen Sebastian act the way he was acting. It was new. It was strange, disarming even, but he liked it.
"I know I don't deserve another chance, Blaine. I know you have every reason to push me away and tell me to get lost, but…but I still need to ask, even though I have no right to, because I don't even know what I'd do with myself if I didn't."
Sebastian was wearing a matching grin on his face, a face that conveyed his anticipation over what Blaine's answer would be, a face that Blaine remembered seeing in an old picture of a five-year-old Sebastian.
"Blaine Anderson, will you do me the honor and make me the happiest guy in the world of…being my boyfriend and…and giving me another shot?"
Blaine smiled, completely charmed by Sebastian's antics. He squeezed Sebastian's hand that was holding his and stared into the boy's piercing emerald eyes. He knew what he wanted to say, what he envisioned himself saying, but for the second time in two days, Blaine knew what he needed to say.
"Sebastian…I—I love you too…"
Sebastian's smile grew even larger. Blaine could almost feel the boy start to bounce on his feet.
"…but I can't."
He watched as the smile on Sebastian's face broke and his skin turned a pale white. He felt the hold on his hand suddenly become loose as the other boy took a step backwards.
"Sebastian…" Blaine said, his voice barely above a whisper as he began shaking his head slightly with a pained expression. "Sebastian, I'm sorry…but…"
Words escaped him in that moment. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to say to make him feel better? He panicked when he saw Sebastian shaking his head and taking steps backwards.
"Sebastian, stop!" he called, and took a step forward, reaching out to grab a hold of the retreating boy, but pulling his hand back as if he was burned when he saw the look on the other boy's face.
"But…how can you…but…but you said…you said you loved me?" Sebastian's voice came out so soft that Blaine could barely hear him. The pain in his voice and on his face tore Blaine's heart in half. There were tears in his voice, tears in his voice in a way that Blaine had never heard before.
"I'm sorry, Sebastian," Blaine said, his words being delivered in a broken tone, trying to keep himself from falling apart in front of the other boy. Crying in that moment was not something that he deserved. He wasn't allowed to cry when he was the one breaking Sebastian's heart.
"I don't…I don't get it," Sebastian said as tears streamed down his cheeks. He still looked shocked, as if he hadn't fully processed what was happening.
"I love you, Sebastian. I do. I love you, but…" he stopped, desperately and barely holding himself together, "but I can't do this. I can't…I can't be the person that you need me to be, Sebastian. I'm not strong enough. I hurt. I hurt a lot…and I know you don't mean it. I know that they're unintentional and that you don't mean to do those things, but they still hurt. They still tear me apart, Sebastian. I'm not saying this because I want you to feel bad or anything, I swear. I just…this is how I feel."
Blaine was breathing hard and wiping his eyes and nose, what seemed like every five seconds. He could feel his heart slamming against the inside of his chest and his vision was becoming slightly blurred from the tears that were filling his eyes.
He felt horrible.
"I wish I could, Bas," he said, using his name for Sebastian that only he was allowed to use, "I wish I was stronger because…because I care about you so much. I love you…but I can't do this anymore. All this up and down…this back and forth. I can't. I feel like I'm your punching bag and…and I…I just…I'm sorry…"
He watched helplessly as Sebastian just stood there, listening to every single one of his words. The look on Sebastian's face, the look of pain, of shame, of disappointment, of embarrassment, of betrayal…of failure, Blaine knew that the look, that frozen expression, would be one that would haunt him in his dreams.
"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered as he watched Sebastian turn and run.
He stood there, frozen in his spot not by the icy weather that was cutting his cheeks, but by the realization of what he had just done: he had just told the boy that he loved that he wasn't good enough, that his love wasn't good enough. The falling snowflakes around him seemed to lose their magic and beauty. They danced around him, landing on his nose and tickling his skin in mockery. It was as if their very existence seemed to scream to him that they were his only company, that he was alone.
Blaine took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and did his best to school his emotions, to force them down into a deep, deep part of him where he could lock them up and not have to deal with them.
After a few minutes of calming himself, Blaine walked back into the house and kicked off his shoes, inside the door. He walked to the hall closet, pulled out a hanger, and placed his coat back onto the rack. He slowly made his way to the stairs as if he were moving automatically and not with intent. He stopped when he placed his hand on the rail and thought of his piano in the music room. He thought of all the times in his childhood and adolescence where he felt alone and abandoned by his family; his parents, his brother. He thought about how he would spend hours at his piano, lost in the rhythmic comfort that it would provide, the escape from the realities of his disappointing life. He longed again for that comfort. He craved a release from the pain in his chest, a way out of feeling the way he felt. He turned and made his way down the hall to the gleaming black instrument. He sat down on the bench and looked at the sheet music that was sitting in front of him, a small purchase that he had made the previous week.
He took another deep breath and gently placed his trembling fingers on the ivory keys. He did his best to steady his hands, closing his eyes again. When he opened them, he focused on the notes in front of him. As he began playing, he felt a small soothing in his belly, as if the music was somehow healing the hurt that was there. Before he knew it, he could hear himself singing quietly, timidly as he played.
Wise men say
Only fools rush in.
But I can't help
Falling in love with you.
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin?
But I can't help
Falling in love with…
The music suddenly stopped and was replaced with a crashing of notes, the most dissonant of chords ever heard. Blaine began sobbing uncontrollably from his spot on the piano keys, having collapsed on them. The soothing warmth in him was a lie. The music hadn't healed him.
His cries echoed through the empty house alongside the ugly notes from the piano.
— Glee —
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Soooo…before the tomatoes go flying, there IS a last part to this story, an epilogue, and I promise that you will get the ending that you all want. Ending things this way was a choice that I really went back and forth on, but ultimately decided that it was something I had to do. There were a number of people…ok, a few…who pointed out that Sebastian was constantly screwing things up and that Blaine was just taking it. In my mind, he has some semblance of self-respect (unlike on the show) and knows that they both have some growing up to do.
So…I'm almost scared to write this…but please take a second and leave me your thoughts on the chapter. Reactions are always welcomed (in fact, they're longed for…loves me some reviews lol). Feel free to chew me out or tell me that I'm a huge douche-mother-fella for writing this.
I'd like to thank EVERYONE who's favorited/followed/reviewed me since my last update: QueenoftheFlyingMonkeys (what is this name? Awesome!), wesayrachel, ClaiClai (you have no idea how much I amused myself reading your name outloud over and over), SuperGirl1993, PigPimples(? Lol story?), dimonyo-anghel, emt2122, Renee20061918, sandysmate, mickchasels, yuki86 (are you a 1986 baby? I am!), lissa (you were the first reviewer!), BelugaLoki, RHatch89, ournoisyhearts, Loki Firefox, Kay, TheFauxMe, Klainers, Aquaria245, Miss-A-2000, RoseCriss, TVTime, openmymindcomeinside (lovely beta), ClaiClai, Guest (whomever you are lol), and Samfan23 (Welcome to the mix! This guy has a great story that I'm reading. Check it out. The laughs KILL me).
I'd like to especially thank those of you who have been reading and reviewing for a good chunk. I know everyone came joined the party a few chapters in, but it's still really meant a lot to me that you've continued to read and leave even the shortest of reviews to reassure me that people were actually out there reading this. Man, I sound like I'm trying to win a beauty pageant here, but honestly and sincerely, thank you to those of you who would take an extra minute or two out of your day to support and encourage me. You all rock my life.
Again, this is the last full chapter. There IS a final epilogue that I'll be posting (soon, hopefully) and then that'll be it. Keep a lookout for that in your emails, and follow the story if you haven't already. And I will hopefully see you all soon, and I'll see some of you even sooner when I leave my own reviews for you! :)
EPILOGUE: A look at what happened after all the crazy shenanigans of this chapter and that thing that so many of you have been asking for is finally happening.