Notes: I decided to do something different for the 25th chapter. I was kind of stuck on what I wanted to do, but this idea wouldn't let me go. The plan was to only write from Uraraka's and Bakugou's POV's, but I really wanted to do this. It just felt right. Like I said, I come up with a lot of this as I go. And this chapter sets up the next few chapters. I'm calling it an Interlude of sorts. A little bit of respite, except, uh, not. The only reason I was afraid to write this chapter was because I was worried people would criticize me for the POV change. But then I wanted to do this. Enjoy!
"It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us...on the inside, looking out."
― Jonathan Safran Foer
Time passed strangely for Todoroki. Unlike Uraraka, he was only in one of three places and spent most of his time in the small cell. He'd never been bothered by small, confined spaces, so it wasn't the imprisonment that bothered him so much as his inability to do anything. The cell was a decent enough size to stretch out and even pace. Not that he did much walking, seeing as how he had to conserve his energy. It wasn't nearly as big as his bedroom in his apartment, but it wasn't like he had any room to complain.
He would rather be in this cell than in Uraraka's position, out in the open with the villains. Just thinking of her with Midoriya and the rest of those villains made his skin crawl.
Kyōmu's quirk took a lot out of him so that he could only use it once a day, a blessing in disguise, but it ravaged Todoroki's mind. He'd thought that he knew exhaustion. The combination of that memory altering quirk with the quirk suppression drugs and the lack of proper food had left him feeling like he wasn't even here sometimes. He spent half the time in his cell trying to piece his mind back together and the other half in and out of sleep. It wasn't a pleasant time. Unfortunately for them, he was practiced in sifting through bad memories.
The upside of having gone through what he had in his childhood was that the punishment meant very little to him. He could hear Uraraka telling him that that wasn't a good thing - that he shouldn't have felt like that - but there was nothing to be done. His father had locked him in his room sometimes if he acted up too much during training. He'd lie on his bed, staring at the ceiling, too tired to move. It felt strangely reminiscent of this. He didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Probably not, considering how much Kyōmu was tapping into his memories of his father.
One time, he'd spent an entire hour thinking that his dad had locked him in here. He'd fully believed it, thinking of how much of a horrible person the man was. He'd only snapped out of it because he'd heard that dream villain whispering about Uraraka to the villain that Midoriya had eventually killed. Hearing her name had reminded him of where he was and what he was doing here. He'd latched onto it and refused to let it go until his mind was at peace again. Whenever he started to question everything, he focused on her and it brought him back.
You were supposed to protect her. Some hero you are. Endeavor is probably humiliated.
And he knew what his father did to those that humiliated him. He got rid of them, tossed them aside like trash, pretend they never existed.
No, he was working on being better. He'd spent the past five years trying to become the father that Todoroki and the others could accept. It would never make up for what he'd done. It would never change the past. He had to remember that things were different. They weren't great, but they were better. Todoroki wasn't a forgiving person by nature, but he wasn't hateful either. He wasn't filled with rage.
Aren't you angry though? Don't you deserve to be? that same voice whispered in the back of his mind. Think of what he did to you - to all of you. He stole your childhood, your family, your life away from you. He forced your mother to have you. Does she love you? Did she even want you? He created you and then he tore you apart to make what he wanted and burned away the rest. Why shouldn't you be furious? Why shouldn't you want to destroy him the way he ruined you? It's practically your birthright.
Todoroki doubled over on the cot and held his hands in his head. "No, no, no."
His stomach rolled, like he was going to throw up. He hated when his mind got like this, splintered into two where he couldn't tell the difference between his thoughts and Kyōmu's. He didn't know who to trust when he had always had at least himself to trust. Now he didn't even have that. It was easier when Uraraka was here, but Midoriya had taken her away after that last session and she hadn't returned. Without her to steer his straight, he couldn't focus on what was real and what wasn't.
Maybe they were his thoughts though. Maybe they'd been there all along, buried under layers of denial and hurt, and they'd only just now been unearthed. It wasn't fair that he'd had to do that. He shouldn't have been forced to compartmentalize his feelings or dissociate from the pain just so that he could survive. It had been akin to torture. No child should've gone through that. No mother should've screamed and fought to keep her children safe. That fury, that pain, that grief - it could've been his. Had been. Was. Wasn't. It wasn't his.
"This isn't you," Todoroki growled under his breath. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of the hurt in his chest that took his breath away. "This isn't what you want."
But he did. He wanted his father to burn as much as he had. No, more. He deserved worse than that.
He hurt your mom so much that she couldn't even stand the sight of you. He took your mother's love away from you. He never gave you even a chance to have your own life.
No, his mother loved him. They'd...made amends. Yes, he remembered that now. He went to visit her and they talked and she apologized to him. She'd cried, her tears so cold. After the Sports Festival where he… What had Uraraka told him that he'd done? He'd used the fire half of his quirk to defeat Midoriya but not Bakugou? Yes, that was it. He wrote letters to her in the hospital. And she was out now, wasn't she? He'd gotten her out after he had graduated. He'd saved her…
Hours of this could've passed. He felt lost in his own mind, fighting to make sense of things. This was real. That was fake. Wasn't it? His father had started to change. No, he hadn't. It had been a lie, but he'd escaped. He had a relationship with Natsuo and Fuyumi now. But did they really know him? Could they ever understand? Maybe they even resented him, hated what he reminded them of. They might smile and laugh with him, but was it for him or was it only to please their mom? They thought they had suffered? No, they were weak. They wouldn't have been able to handle what he'd gone through. No, no, he was glad that they hadn't.
"Things are better, things are better, things are better," Todoroki mumbled frantically.
His father's glaring blue eyes flashed in his mind, blurry through tears. The horrified look in his mother's grey eyes that scared him. Scarred and rough hands changing the bandages over the left side of his face. Fuyumi turning away in shame. Natsuo walking out the door. They left him alone with a monster. He'd just been a kid.
Todoroki smacked himself in the head a few times. "Snap out of it!"
He needed Uraraka, which made him feel white hot with guilt. He shouldn't have to rely on her, not when she had so much going on right now. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to let all the tension out of his body, but it was hard with how sore he was from holding everything inside. He was supposed to be protecting her and yet here he was wishing that she was here to still his mind. He wasn't her responsibility. He'd promised to protect her. If he got out of here alive, Bakugou was going to kill him and he didn't think he'd fight back much.
We both failed her and Izuku. At least he knew that was his own thought.
Ever since Midoriya had taken her - minutes, hours, a day ago - Todoroki had been nothing but a frayed wire ready to short-circuit and burn a house down. Where was she? Was she safe? Was she alive ? She had to be. He had to believe Midoriya that he'd never hurt her. He wanted to believe that, but it was hard. Those bruises on her wrists from that first confrontation came to mind. He hadn't even known what he'd done and that had been when he had been deeply entrenched in his dream for their future. Now that the truth was out and that illusion was beginning to show cracks, Todoroki was worried about what might slip through.
When the door to the room creaked open, Todoroki jerked his head out of his hands, his mouth open already forming Uraraka's name, when he stopped cold and clamped his mouth shut. It wasn't Uraraka. His eyes went cold and his lips pressed into a thin line as he watched Dabi slink into the room, looking much worse for wear than he had before he'd left. He waved a dismissive hand to relieve Compress of his guard duties. A look was passed between them - an irritable grimace from Dabi and impossible to describe from Compress - as the latter stood up and the former took his place in the wooden chair.
"Be good, Todoroki," Compress said in a voice far too cheerful.
Todoroki didn't respond and Dabi stayed silent as he massaged his forehead with his fingers. He watched as the masked villain slipped out of the room and then dragged his eyes over to his new guard. Dabi had a hand against the side of his face while he idly held his left side with the other. Although he wasn't squirming uncomfortably in the chair, he was sitting stiffly. And it was hard to tell with all those burn scars on his face, especially the ones under his eyes, but it looked like a black eye was forming around his right along with some dried blood that he'd not washed off entirely.
"You look like shit," Todoroki said.
Dabi's bored eyes flickered over to him. "At least I've had a shower in the past week."
Had it been that long since he'd been kidnapped? It was possible. He thought that he'd perhaps been here for six days, but he couldn't be for sure. Eight tops, that was all he knew. He should've been able to keep track by his sessions going under Kyōmu's quirk, but they were starting to bleed together. The only ones that truly stood out were the ones that Uraraka had been there for and that had been the second and the last one. Midoriya had been to the second one as well. He'd not seen much of him unless he was bringing or taking Uraraka from the cells.
Was he avoiding him? And for what? Shame? Anger? Excitement? It was hard to say when Midoriya didn't seem to know how he felt half the time.
Todoroki eyed Dabi, trying to distance his mind from himself and also get more information. He'd gone with Midoriya to wherever they'd taken Uraraka. Maybe he had information on her too that would put him at ease. Her not being here had to be a good thing, but he didn't know how or why. "Did things not go according to plan?"
Dabi rolled his eyes. "Wouldn't you like to know. Must suck being stuck in that cage."
Bakugou would've snapped, but Todoroki ignored the jab. He was especially talented at ignoring things. "You're injured and look displeased." If he thought about something outside of him, he could usually bring his mind back into focus. This was as good as he could get for now, although he would have much preferred a friend over a villain. He was sorely lacking on that front at the moment. "I'm guessing something went wrong."
Instead of flinching or glaring in irritation, Dabi leaned back and stretched in the chair. "Your little friend is a lot tougher than she looks. Clever too." He stretched his neck, using the hand on his head to crack it. "I can see why Midoriya and that explosive little shit are so fond of her."
"Uraraka did that to you?" Despite his usual ability to remain impassive, Todoroki knew that he wasn't at his best and he let his interest show too much. If Dabi had been involved in a fight with Uraraka, there was a possibility that she was hurt or worse. No, Midoriya wouldn't let her get hurt. He wouldn't let Dabi hurt her. What had happened for things to go so far south that she and Dabi had gotten into it?
"Don't worry," Dabi replied dismissively. "She's safe - probably safer than all of us"
Todoroki narrowed his eyes. "Safe?"
"For now at least," Dabi added with a dry laugh. "Things are changing."
"What are you talking about?" Todoroki demanded, feeling on edge. His heart thumped faster in his chest like a warning. Things were changing? That didn't sound good. Did something happen to her to change things? Had something happened to Midoriya?
"I think Midoriya would rather tell you himself," Dabi said as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Some guard he was, but it wasn't like Todoroki hadn't already tried every trick in the book to break out of here. He laid a hand over his chest. "What's worse than a broken heart?"
"A broken mind," Todoroki said in a hollow voice.
Dabi opened his eyes and tapped his temple. "Now you're getting it. Not much longer now before he's completely cracked and then no one will be safe." When he grinned, it pulled at the staples on his face, making it look more like a grimace than a smile. "Not even her. Midoriya is a ticking time bomb. I wouldn't want to be any of you when time runs out."
"What do you mean?" Todoroki demanded, trying to sound stronger than he felt.
"Think of Midoriya like a tamed wolf," Dabi explained. "He might listen most of the time, but underneath that he's ready to hunt and kill and bite the hand that feeds him." He shook his head. "You all thought she was safe - even he did - but I can guarantee you that she'll be the first one that gets hurt when all of this is over."
No, Todoroki wouldn't allow it. He refused to let it happen. He'd… He'd pretend to have fallen under Kyōmu's quirk control. He'd act like he was on the villain's side. If it meant gaining Midoriya's trust again, he'd do it. But he had to protect her - for Midoriya, for Bakugou, for her . He hadn't done nearly enough after Midoriya's death. She always told him that he did exactly what she'd needed, but it had never felt like he'd done any good. In the end, Bakugou had probably done more for her than him, although he'd received plenty of texts from him during those dark days when Uraraka had been at her worst.
He couldn't fail again. It'd drive him mad. Losing Midoriya had been hard enough. He'd thought that he knew what grief was after his childhood - he'd thought that losing someone wouldn't hurt as much after being torn away from his family - but he'd been wrong. It had devastated him in a way that he still couldn't comprehend. And seeing Midoriya come back to life but so very wrong… It was like a nightmare that would never end and there was very little he could do to shield himself from how much it had affected him, especially not now with all his walls getting torn down.
"You must be exhausted," Dabi said abruptly, folding his hands together on his chest. "You know, it'd be easier on you if you just gave in."
"That's not going to happen," Todoroki said flatly.
"I heard Midoriya lasted out two months before he completely buckled." Dabi shrugged his shoulders. "Do you really think you can manage any better? You're on week one and you're shaking."
Todoroki glanced down at his bouncing foot and stilled it. He hadn't even realized that he was doing it, but it must have begun to bounce when he'd started getting worked up over thoughts of Midoriya's death. Anger burned in his chest, making him want to use his ice quirk to lash out, but he knew that if he tried calling it up, nothing would happen. They'd upped his dosage of the quirk suppressant drug after a little had come back to him earlier than expected and he'd nearly frozen a villain's arm. He burned through it quicker than Uraraka had. Of course, it made him feel woozy, which he thought might have affected the use of Kyōmu's quirk on him. A blessing or a curse, he couldn't be sure.
But still. Two months . It had taken a full two months before Midoriya had succumbed to the mental torture and started to turn into what he was now. To be honest, Todoroki was dreading what he would be like at the two weeks mark. He knew that he was strong, but he also knew his history. His desire to become a hero to be better than his father could easily go the other way. If not for people like his mother and All Might to influence him as well, his path could have taken a very different turn.
One that a small part of him was now itching to travel.
"The quicker you accept it, the more you give in, the less it will hurt," Dabi continued in an idle tone. "It probably feels like someone is drilling in your head. Stop fighting and you won't be in pain anymore. Everything will make sense and you feel better. You'll be stronger than ever before instead of this weak, shaky mess."
Todoroki stared at the villain, his mouth parted and his dirty hair hanging limply in his eyes. "You've been under the quirk too."
"Ah, ha." Dabi let out a huff of breath that sounded like a half-hearted attempt at another laugh. "Just to get my head straight. Prison is bound to mess you up a little and I'd been in there for three years thanks to you. It does things to you, gets you in your own head and confuses things. Start thinking things that you wouldn't if you weren't locked up in a tiny cell without access to your quirk." He made another half-assed laugh. "I needed a refresher to remind me what I'm doing here."
"You're being manipulated, the same as me," Todoroki emphasized, standing up on legs that were too wobbly for his liking. He didn't think that he could connect with a villain as far off mentally as Dabi, but if he could maybe get under his skin, he might find some sort of advantage. That was more Uraraka's style, intuitive as she was, or even Midoriya's, whose empathy (had) stretched for miles.
Dabi snorted. "Sure, that's what villains do. We all have our own goals. Midoriya is playing along, but even he has ulterior motives or we wouldn't be in this position right now."
"If you know that, then why go along with it?" Todoroki asked. "Why follow him?"
"Have you seen that power?" Dabi waved a hand to the corner of the room where they had tried to clean and bleach the blood of the villain that Midoriya had killed. The stain was still there though. As disturbing as it had been to watch Midoriya devolve like that, Todoroki couldn't say that he was sorry. He'd preferred not to kill villains from the start, but one of the first things that Kyōmu had tampered with was his emotions. It had been hard not to show Uraraka how pleased he'd been that Midoriya had done away with that villain. He'd felt guilty afterward, but he couldn't ignore that he'd felt it.
Dabi was right: for the brief minute that Todoroki had accepted the change - or perhaps thoughts that had always been in him and just buried - despite the bleeding wound on his arm, the exhaustion, and his stuttering heart over almost losing Uraraka, he'd felt great . Like he'd found a missing piece in his life.
And things made sense.
Which didn't make sense at all, as he'd come to realize later.
"You know, high and mighty as you can be, we're not so different," Dabi sighed, sounding half asleep as he shifted on the chair and grimaced. Clearly being here wasn't that big of a deal to him, but someone had to be here. They couldn't afford another incident and Ikeda no longer seemed to be trusted even if she was best suited to watch prisoners with her quirk.
Todoroki scoffed and dropped back down onto the cot. As tired as he was, he wasn't going to fall into thinking that. "Is that why you convinced Midoriya to spare me? Because we're so alike?"
"Nah," Dabi said, "I figured it'd piss off your old man." He let out a slow sigh. "The Number One Hero's son gets kidnapped so close to his retirement right in front of him? Any faith in him has been shaken thanks to what we did. Some people are demanding that he step down. It's rather nice."
Dabi's voice was utterly careless, as if everything that had happened was mildly entertaining but of no real importance. His facial expression and body language even said that he was bored, but his eyes were far too sharp and it felt like an act. If he was trying to go for completely impassive, he was failing. Todoroki would know, seeing as how he was struggling with that as well. He wasn't used to his emotions being on display so much. He wasn't used to being easily read.
"But I was supposed to be killed," Todoroki insisted.
Dabi shrugged his shoulders. "You're worth more alive than dead. Midoriya knew that. He didn't really want to kill you. The kid's still soft."
"I wouldn't call what he's done 'soft' while under Kyōmu's quirk," Todoroki said.
"Call it 'romantic' then," Dabi replied with a snort. "He did it for her. And they say romance is dead."
He was good at detouring the conversation. Under normal circumstances, Todoroki would've been able to direct it back, but his mind kept following those detours like he couldn't help himself. It didn't help that he was worried about Uraraka and thinking about Deku made him uncomfortable. It was only a matter of time before he was in the same position as Deku if he didn't get out of here. Instead of committing atrocities out of love though, it would be out of rage. It felt like that anger was building and the moment it started to overflow…
I'm not going to break, Todoroki swore, clenching his hands into fists.
Is it really breaking if this is what you wanted all along? another voice asked. He hesitated to answer that.
Dabi sighed. "Give it up, Todoroki. No one beats that quirk. It'll either get you eventually or kill you if you fight it hard enough." If he had to die, then so be it. He would rather die than be turned against his friends and everything that he believed. (Surely, Midoriya must have thought the same thing though and he'd fallen.) "You can fight it all you want, but I think we both know that you're not the hero that Midoriya was. Kyōmu sure knew how to tap into his pain, but he doesn't have your rage."
Afraid to question him any further, Todoroki went silent. Dabi was right. He wasn't nearly the hero that Midoriya had been and that burned him too. Despite his close friendship with him, their rivalry had never ended. It hadn't been as aggressive as the one between him and Bakugou, but one created on a mutual foundation of respect. Their hero rankings had switched often and always been close, but Todoroki had known that Midoriya was close to taking the number one ranking away from Endeavor. It was only a matter of months, maybe weeks.
And then he'd died.
After that, Todoroki had faltered. His ranking stalled, only to go up one spot when Deku had officially been taken out of the ranking. Bakugou had suffered the same fate. They were their own worst enemies. Neither one of them were comfortable enough with each other to talk about it and so he'd opened up to Uraraka. He'd felt defeated. On one hand, he knew that he could become more - he knew that he could be better - yet he didn't want to. It felt wrong to move up when the one person who pushed him to be his very best was gone. It was like he'd hit a wall and struggled to find the desire to climb it. He couldn't justify going any higher after such a failure.
When his ranking had started to fall, he hadn't cared. It had only been a few spaces and had nothing to do with his ability as a hero. No, he'd saved more people and taken down more villains than ever before. At the end of the day, it was just a popularity contest, one that had started to make him sick. Endeavor had the skills to be the number one hero, but he didn't deserve it. So many of those heroes up there he knew were selfish trash on the inside and he couldn't stand to stand by them.
The door swung open. Midoriya dragged himself inside, looking haunted and worn to the bone, with Mizumi following behind him anxiously. Over his time in the cells, Todoroki had gotten familiar with the villains that took turns guarding the cells. Mizumi didn't come often, if only because the effects of Kyoma's quirk seemed to have a negative effect on hers and she actively avoided Dabi.
Indeed, when caught sight of Dabi in the corner, her nose wrinkled and she turned to Midoriya again. "You need to rest. After what you went through, I'd even suggest talking to Ikeda-"
"So you can put me under?" Midoriya questioned in a blank tone. "Are you that scared?"
Mizumi flushed. "We're not scared; we're concerned ."
Midoriya rolled his eyes. "I don't need your quirk to sniff out that lie."
Although she stiffened in apprehension, Mizumi said, "After what you went through-"
"I'm fine."
"-Maybe you should see Kyōmu," Mizumi continued.
"I said I'm fine!" Midoriya snapped, rounding on her so quick that she actually jumped back as if she was afraid that he'd snatch her by the throat. He did no such thing, didn't even lift his or clench hands, but his raised voice was enough to startle her. "You're all so worried about me, but I'm thinking clearer than ever. I know what has to be done. I know what I did was the right choice. I'm hurt, not confused."
Playing with her fingers nervously in a way that reminded him of Uraraka, Mizumi teetered on her feet. "I just think that it would do you some good. After all that you went through and now this-"
"Oh, do you think I need some readjustment?" Midoriya tapped his head. "Some fine tuning? Think perhaps I'm not dedicated to this cause when I've got more blood on my hands than half of you combined!" She flinched, but then he turned away from her and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "Go ahead and run along to Kyōmu with your concerns. I did what I had to do for us. She was holding me back. I had to let go."
Todoroki's heart skipped a beat, but he remained expressionless. Let go? What did that mean?
"I know what she means to you," Mizumi said delicately.
"You don't know half of what she means to me," Midoriya retorted, but there was more bark than bite in his words. He was exhausted. He didn't have the energy to explain things to someone he clearly didn't care about right now. No, the second Midoriya raised his eyes and connected with his, Todoroki knew that the only one he was going to attempt to explain himself to was him. No one else mattered. Which meant that Uraraka…
"What did you do to her?" Todoroki demanded.
Midoriya didn't look away from him, but didn't respond to his question either. "You two, get out."
"You sure you're good, boss?" Dabi asked.
"I don't even know what you're doing here," Midoriya snapped, ripping his gaze away to glare at the villain seated behind him.
Dabi held out his hands. "You told me to check on him."
"Ah." Midoriya blinked a few times and then shook his head. "You're right. I forgot." He waved a dismissive hand and looked back to the cells. "Well, you've done your job. Now go get checked out. You took a few hits and we don't need you half-assing your job because of a broken rib or two."
"So thoughtful," Dabi hummed flatly as he stood up. Mizumi hesitated, but then Dabi pointed at the door and she glowered and skulked out of the room without any further arguing. After mockingly saluting Todoroki, Dabi took his leave as well and disappeared, leaving Todoroki and Midoriya alone together for the first time since…
Since before he died.
It made him feel sick and yearning at the same time. He'd missed Midoriya a lot.
"What did you do?" Todoroki repeated.
"I did what you wanted me to do." Midoriya grabbed the chair that Dabi had been sitting in moments ago and dragged it over to the front of the cell. He all but collapsed in it and hunched over with his elbows on his knees, folded up as if to protect himself. "I let her go."
The air around them crackled with tension. "Uraraka…"
"She's with Kacchan and the others," Midoriya sighed, rubbing his temples with a thumb and middle finger. "She's safe and unharmed. It's only a matter of time before she'll be able to use her quirk again, if not already."
Todoroki didn't know what to say. Uraraka was with the heroes. She was free from the villain's clutches. A tidal wave of relief washed over him, so strong that it forced a shuddering breath out of him. She was safe. She'd been able to escape from this nightmare. He had been terrified that Midoriya would force her to go under Kyōmu's quirk if she didn't give into the fantasy that he'd concocted. Seeing her anywhere near the villain had made his skin crawl and want to panic.
Uraraka was safe. She was free.
And he was alone, left without an anchor to keep his mind from drifting.
"You're scared, aren't you?" Midoriya asked. "Now that she's gone."
He was, but he didn't want to admit it. Acknowledging his own fears had never been easy. They were impossible to ignore here when so many had been brought to the forefront of his mind. Could he make it alone? Could he survive with his mind intact? He had to or die trying. He had prepared himself to make this sacrifice, especially if Uraraka managed to escape. Then again, he was positive that Midoriya had thought the same thing in his position. He'd been alone too.
Todoroki swallowed, but his mouth was dry, making it a struggle. "Why? After everything you did…"
"I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing what was best - for her, for us." Midoriya didn't look up as he spoke in a quiet and pained voice. Judging from the state of his villain costume and the way he held himself, he was physically injured, but it was the emotional hurt that was taking its toll on him. "I wanted to keep her safe. I wanted her to be happy. She had to know how much I still love her - how much I still need her. She's always been that light in the dark, you know? From the very beginning."
"Yeah, she is," Todoroki breathed out, thinking back on those long nights spent together after Midoriya's death. He'd get off a seventy-two-hour shift and know that he couldn't bear the idea of going back to his apartment. It wasn't empty, not with his mother there, but he couldn't do it. He hated the idea of relying on someone, especially Uraraka, who needed his support, but he knew that he could go over to hers (and Deku's) apartment and there would be a pot of tea ready for him no matter the time. They could spend hours sitting on her fire escape, talking or not, the tea gone cold, until his mind was quiet enough for him to go home and sleep.
Then he thought of her here. Her screams dragging him back as Kyōmu dug through his mind. Her eyes bright and shiny, fear and determination mixing together, as she promised to keep him from losing his mind. She'd guide him, the lighthouse to his boat in a dark, stormy ocean. She was out of his reach though and for good reason. He had to make his own way home or sink, as Midoriya had done.
"I just wanted us to be together again," Midoriya said. "I wanted her to see that we could still have our dream. It was different, but it was better. She'd see. I'd be able to make her understand."
It was hard watching Midoriya's heart break right in front of him, but he didn't look away. He owed his friend that much after letting him down.
"But I couldn't…" Midoriya hid his face in his gloved hands. "I thought she'd be safer here with me - I thought she'd be happy - but I was being selfish. I was so foolish. How could she be happy when I put her on the shelf like she was a doll?" He shook his head again as if trying to get rid of the grief and disappointment. "We couldn't have a home here, not when I made this her prison."
"She didn't think of it like that," Todoroki told him. "She wanted to be here for you."
Midoriya pulled his face out of his hands, a film of tears covering his bright green eyes. "I locked her in here and left her to nearly get killed. I just thought that she'd get over it or accept it in time, but who was I kidding? The Ochako I love would never do that. The only way she would have was if I let Kyōmu use his quirk on her and I knew that I couldn't do that."
"Am I so different?" Todoroki asked, trying not to feel like he'd been stabbed in the back.
"Yes, you are," Midoriya replied firmly. "I couldn't let him do that to her and I knew… I knew that I'd get desperate for her to be happy. I knew I'd start thinking that it was a good idea. He'd help her understand in a way that I kept failing. But I couldn't let her fall with me, not like that."
Todoroki sat up, his back stiff. "But it's okay for me?"
"You don't understand, Shouto," Midoriya shot back. "We're different. She couldn't have handled it. That kind of understanding - mind-opening realizations - comes at a cost."
"She's stronger than you think," Todoroki told him. She was one of the strongest people he knew. Even Bakugou had admitted that in many ways she was stronger than him. While they had faltered, she had risen in the ranks. She had kept their group together when so many of them had started to fall away from each other. At first, they'd told themselves that they were doing it for her sake, only to realize months later that she'd been supporting them.
"Don't you get it?" Midoriya said, almost pleading with him to be understood. Uraraka had told him that the villains had become like a family for him, but he knew that he was different. "I know she's strong. Gods, she's stronger in ways that I can only imagine. I don't know how I would've managed had our positions been switched. I see that now. My death changed so much. Kyōmu's quirk has nothing to do with strength though. That's why it'll get you in the end. You'll accept it. You'll see that he's right, but Ochako…"
Todoroki could feel his struggle as he wrestled with something he'd had trouble accepting. "Izuku…"
"It would have killed her, Shoto," Midoriya said, "or her mind would've completely broken and I couldn't let that happen. She would have died ." He dropped his hands into his lap. "Kyōmu's quirk doesn't work on everyone. Some people can't take it, like their minds won't accept the truth." No, it wouldn't accept the lies. All of this was built on a lie. Why couldn't he see that when he was so close to it? "We're different. We're more accepting."
No, they were more vulnerable. It was why Todoroki made such an easy target, especially for Kyōmu. There wasn't much that had to be changed about his past for him to take a different path. He'd already been twisted and hurt enough for his mind to latch onto the changes made in his memories. And Midoriya - the boy who had always dreamed of becoming a hero, the one who had inspired so many of them, the hero that Todoroki had known would shine brighter than them all - had also suffered at the hands of those that should've helped him. He too had realized that the hero society and the way people viewed quirks was flawed and Kyōmu had been able to take advantage of that. They had weaknesses that could make them doubt everything and believe something else.
"Did Ochako every tell you why she applied for U.A.?" Midoriya asked. Todoroki shook his head. She'd not. By the time they had become better friends in school, so much had changed since the beginning. Even his reasoning had evolved, although he was struggling to remember it now. The bitterness felt back then so raw and real, as if Kyōmu had reopened a scar somehow and made it bleed anew. "It was about money." He smiled softly. "You wouldn't think of that looking at the hero she's become now. But it wasn't about that at the same time. It was about taking care of her parents. It was about helping people that struggled to help themselves and still smiled and did all they could for others."
That wasn't something that Kyōmu could easily change. Maybe he could turn it into greed, but despite her silliness over things like money and expenses, she was never petty over it. Even as she'd risen in the ranks, she never tried to live above her means, living more modestly than she had to with her salary. If he had managed to turn her like that, she wouldn't have been the Uraraka that Midoriya had loved. He loved the hero, not the villain. Changing her, if she had survived, would've destroyed them.
"You had to let her go to save her," Todoroki affirmed gently.
Midoriya laughed weakly. "All this time I thought that I was doing what was best for her, but I wasn't thinking about what she wanted or needed. I could only think about myself and it wasn't fair to her. I thought Kacchan was trying to steal her from me, but I was the one pushing her away." He looked down at his hands. "I scared her. How could she possibly love me if she was afraid of me?"
"She's not scared of you; she's scared for you," Todoroki said. Midoriya cast him a doubtful look that was so pitiful that it reminded him of a wounded puppy. "And she does love you, but… You were gone. Like it or not, you were dead to all of us and it was either move on or give up. I almost did and even Bakugou struggled. She could have easily done the same. Would you have truly wanted that for her?"
"No," Midoriya admitted, "I never wanted her to be miserable."
"And yet you're angry over the idea that she might have moved on with her life?" Todoroki questioned coldly. The irritation was misplaced, a phantom feeling from going under that quirk. Locked in a cell with only his old friend to keep him company, he had to lash out or let it consume him. And he was angry with the way Midoriya had treated Uraraka - angry over the position he'd put her in when she had just started to live her life for herself again. "That's selfish and petty. If you truly loved her, you'd see that."
Midoriya frowned. "I do love her. That's why I let her go. I can't give her what she needs like this, not right now, not until this is over. When we're rebuilding it, things will be better. I'm sure of it."
"What makes you think that what you want will match up with what she needs?" Todoroki asked. "What will you do if she doesn't want the same things as you?"
"Oh what?" Midoriya reared back in the chair like Todoroki had slapped him. "You think Kacchan is better for her?"
"This has nothing to do with Bakugou and everything to do with you," Todoroki countered. " Yeah, he's an ass and I used to look at him and think of all the awful things that made up my father. All I know though is that he's still willing to give his life to save you even though you want to take his." He stared at Midoriya hard as he glared back at him. "He's not fighting you over Uraraka. He's fighting you for you ."
"Are you all on his side now?" Midoriya scoffed. "I die and suddenly Kacchan is the best?"
"You were the best out of all of us and he knew that!" Todoroki snapped. "We all did. Why do you think he's fighting you so much now? Because he wants Uraraka? He wants you back."
Midoriya jumped to his feet. "Don't pretend like he cares about me! He tortured me for years. I'm surprised that I had the strength to go to U.A. after all that he did."
"What do you want him to do? Go back in time and fix it? He can't do that, the same as my father can't."
"If he's so willing to sacrifice himself for me, I wish he'd go ahead and do it. I want him to die ."
The vehemence was so strong in Midoriya's voice that Todoroki had to close his eyes to steady himself. He felt that rage deep in his bones. He understood where he was coming from, even though the feeling was misplaced. The Midoriya of before didn't hold onto hate like this. He was better than Todoroki, who had to be careful not to drown in hate. He hadn't felt like this since high school.
"You feel it too, don't you?" When Todoroki opened his eyes, he found Midoriya sitting back down, inches away from the cell bars and an eager expression on his face. It was almost...innocent. "That pain, the betrayal, the anger. He should've protected you, loved you, guided you. Instead, he abused his power and strength. He used you. He hurt you. And no one did anything. You think no one knew what he was like behind closed doors?"
"No," Todoroki croaked, suddenly choking on the memories. He remembered people looking at him askance, other heroes and Endeavor's sidekicks, especially after his mother had thrown that boiling water on his face. How could no one even question it? The dark circles under his eyes, the soreness of his limbs, the bandages that had to be replaced. He'd been a kid. He could only do so much, but his father had expected so much more from him. Fuyumi and Natsuo never suffered under their father's torment. They could look away. He'd never been given that chance.
Get your shit together, Todoroki, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bakugou snarled in his mind. You're better than this. You're stronger than this. Don't let this be your defeat. What would Uraraka say?
That he'd learned acceptance, if not forgiveness. That he had learned to use that pain in order to be better, not worse. He was a hero. It had been his father's dream, but he'd made it his own. He wouldn't let Kyomu, Midoriya, or any of these villains turn into a nightmare. He didn't care what Midoriya and Dabi said: he would not give into the mental conditioning. He wouldn't become a villain. He wouldn't become something for others to fear.
Not like Endeavor had been.
Todoroki held his head in his hands again, flinching a little when he felt Midoriya lay a soothing hand on his shoulder. It wasn't like Uraraka, but he didn't shrug it away either. In the beginning, it had been Midoriya who had slowly helped him adjust to physical contact again. He didn't know whether accepting it from him now was a good thing. On one hand, it reminded him of all the good that had happened in his life; on the other hand, it made him want to trust Midoriya more.
"It won't be like that here, I promise," Midoriya told him earnestly, his tone burning with excitement. "We'll have each other's backs, like we used. I missed that. They're all fine here and sometimes they can be great, but they aren't you or Iida. They aren't family. We can be that again, a real one, like you should've had, like I could've had with Kacchan had he not been so cruel."
"Izuku, we can't…" But why couldn't they be? If anyone understood what he had gone through, it was Midoriya. He loved his friends, but they would never know the real depth of what he'd gone through, just because he'd had the misfortune of being born with the right quirk. He sucked in a breath and sat up straight. "It's not real. It's all a lie and you know it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have let Uraraka out of the League's clutches. Somewhere in your mind, you know things aren't right here."
"Maybe," Midoriya admitted as he sat up slowly, "but things aren't right out there either and you know that ."
Todoroki had nothing to say to that. Because Midoriya was right, but he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't even know how to fix himself right now. He felt like he was missing a few pieces to a puzzle. Stuck in this cell, without access to his quirk, he could do very little himself. Having to rely on others frustrated him, but if there was one thing that he'd learned while at U.A., it was that accepting help wasn't bad. Heroes had each other's backs all the time and he had to trust that they would do their jobs.
You better get your shit together, Bakugou, he thought as he and Midoriya sized each other up. Because like it or not, if he fell victim to the quirk, Midoriya wouldn't be his only problem. They had a history too and he had a bad feeling that Kyomu would use that as well. His mind felt like a minefield and he didn't know when he'd blow.