Chapter 25: This Is My Hello; This is My Goodness
Izzie Stevens paused as her slightly clenched fist hovered over his hotel room door. She wasn't entirely sure this was the best of decisions. She had come there on a complete whim when she felt herself slipping into a sort of drunken depression after Alex had left. Her mind was still absolutely reeling from the prior occurrences of the evening, and the amount of alcohol in her system was doing nothing but clouding her judgment. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and apprehension as she ran her hand through her blonde hair, it curled slightly at the ends from being worn twisted up in a clip. She took another deep breath before eyeing the room number and gently knocking on the door. She felt herself fidgeting with the edge of her jacket as she waiting quietly, she could hear her heart pounding. She knew that she was out of sorts but her nervousness surprised her. The door opened after a few moments of silence on the other end, she literally felt her heart swell when she saw Mark leaning against the door, a look of immediate confusion played on his face. She almost instantly noticed the definition in his body as his white t-shirt clung to him in all the right places. Her eyes shifted down quickly as she felt her face become warm. His eyes danced over her in amusement. She was probably the last person he had expected to see. It was getting late and he was just about to go to sleep. Mark broke the silence and flashed a quick smile.
"And to what do I owe this unexpected visit?" He wondered aloud suspiciously, he could suddenly tell that she really didn't seem like herself. Her eyes were fidgety and her stance was unsure. She usually went around with an air of confidence. It was no where to be found as he took in her somewhat weaker counterpart. Mark opened the door a little wider as if to signify that she could come in. She hadn't found her voice yet, or maybe it was more that she really didn't know where to start, what he would say, how she would look. She turned around to face him, feeling his immediate physicality. He had never been this good looking to her. There was something about the shirt he was wearing and the sincerity in his face, his brows slightly furrowed, his look seemed unwavering. Izzie attempted to tentatively hold his stare, her brain reeling through what she should possibly say. "What's wrong?" Mark asked finally as his impatience came to a head. He thought that she was going to open her mouth and speak but it didn't happen. She looked like she had no clue were to start.
"I, uh, I think I messed up." Izzie responded hesitantly, she tried to mask her wavering voice with a hint of calm. But he wasn't so easily fooled. He could tell by her body language that something was very off with her.
"Messed up what?" Mark followed assertively, his eyes taking in her frazzled presence. He couldn't really put his finger on it but it was something slightly vulnerable and alluring. He had never really seen her look this lost or this confused. She looked like she didn't know what she believed in.
"I had the perfect, or what I thought to be the perfect opportunity to tell Alex about the divorce papers. He runs off, t-to her and they fight, h-he comes back to see me and I have the PERFECT opportunity to sleep with him and I l-lost it." Izzie finished with a hint of sadness in her voice, her words were obvious messes of syllables, he managed to distinguish when she had started that she was obviously intoxicated. Mark felt his mouth ease into a slight smirk that left as soon as it came when she noticed it on his face and her eyes grew darker.
"Are you drunk?" Mark asked easily. The answer was a very obvious one but he couldn't help but want her verbal affirmation. Izzie looked instantly confused as she made a face at his question.
"That isn't important at all." She whined slowly.
"Okay, Okay," He relented as he saw the look of irritation and frustration on her face, he got such an odd sense of joy out of pushing her buttons on a regular that he often didn't know when to stop. "Start from the beginning." Izzie dropped her head as he took a deep breath and tried to clear her jumbled thoughts.
"After work earlier, I ran into Alex leaving and stopped him and told him how neither Derek or Addison had signed the divorce papers," Izzie started carefully, fully focusing on enunciating her words as they came out of her mouth. "He of course, didn't believe me right away and went to confront Addison about it."
"Which couldn't have gone well, I assume?" Mark questioned as if he already knew the answer.
"Of course not, he confronts her, she denies it, I'm sure some crocodile tears were conjured up on her end and on his: he's obviously feeling betrayed, vulnerable and confused." Izzie explains plainly.
"Says Izzie, the full blown Karev cheerleader." Mark teased quickly. Izzie shot him a contemptuous look as she rolled her eyes. "Sorry," Mark muttered. "Continue."
"He leaves and then in all of his obvious despair and loneliness comes over and drowns himself in alcohol." Izzie stated sadly, the glint in her eyes made him suddenly more aware of how drunk and sad she was.
"With you, I presume?" Mark asked as he studied her. Her utter vulnerability as she stood there in front of him at that moment seemed almost haunting, although she was obviously a drunken mess. Her blonde hair caught the light well as his eyes searched her face, delicate skin, sharp cheekbones, round brown eyes, full mouth; her looks where captivating. He had always thought she was just the hot blonde, not so much as he looked at her now. He saw the actuality of her beauty; the richness of it.
"Yes, yes." Izzie admitted tiredly. As she felt her stomach muscles tighten at the thought of how all this unraveling while she was drunk was not a very good idea. She cleared her thoughts and tried to continue. "We were drunk, everything was fine, we were just talking. It felt nice, you know? When you're talking to somebody who, at that moment, really needs you. I know he was so shocked. He didn't believe me when I told him. He was devastated."
"Well, it's not hard to fall for Addison." Mark interjected softly.
"Oh aren't you so kind to remind me of that very fact." Izzie stated boldly back. Her heart dropped when he had said her name.
"Easy, I'm listening to you push Alex up a flight of pedestals."
"I am so sorry that you can't remove your rose colored glasses when it comes to your precious Addison. I can't stand her."
"Aren't you cute? You are officially president of the hate club, how fitting."
"I just needed somebody to listen." Izzie said bitterly as she felt her emotions surface a tad. She bit her lip as she tried to hold it together. Mark saw it instantly and he felt bad for teasing her so severely. She wasn't in a good emotional state, he had momentarily forgotten.
"You're right." Mark said quickly. "I'm sorry, go ahead."
"There was a moment of electricity between he and I," Izzie replied, conscious of the fact her sentence had a double meaning. "I kissed him, and at first he responded but then he pulled away. He rejected me." She sounded confused, like her words coming to life in the atmosphere had made them even truer, and even more hurtful. "And that means only one thing, whatever they have trumps what he and I do. I never thought that was possible."
Mark stood inches from her absorbing the sadness on her face. He felt instantly compelled to reach out to her. They stood in silence for a moment before he walked towards her and stopped as his eyes bore into her. Izzie felt suddenly lightheaded as she held his gaze, she reached for him and he met her half way. Her hands held onto his forearms as she felt all the alcohol rush through her. Mark stood solidly in front of her, their slight height difference was evident as they stood in front of each other.
"It's alright." Mark whispered as he searched her eyes, the contact of her hands against his arms seemed to generate a certain heat. He felt an impulse to put his arms around her to calm the nerves that, he could tell were on edge as her eyes seemed uncertain. In a quick motion, and without Izzie giving it much thought she closed the distance between them in a moment of unclear thinking. She placed a hand on his chest as she leaned forward and placed her lips over his. His hands tightened on her arms as his mouth immediately responded to hers. Their lips dueled as hers became bolder and more aggressive. Mark found his hands traveling from her arms to wrap around her as he felt her body close the small space remaining between them. Mark slowed the pace of the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing in the feeling of being held so tightly in his arms, so closely to his body. Their tongues met as she felt the hairs on her arms stand on end, he worked his mouth over hers with expertise as she felt her whole body cling to his. Mark suddenly had an uncanny and unfamiliar tick in his mind as he held her against him with their mouths exploring each other. He broke their kiss, with a gasp.
"Whoa, wait a-" Mark muttered as he took in the closeness of her lidded eyes and parted mouth. She looked beyond surprised that he had stopped them. She leaned forward to silence his protest with her mouth but he quickly caught her chin with his thumb and finger. "We… we really shouldn't do this."
"Why?" Izzie breathed desperately, running her hands up his arms. She felt like her body was on fire against his. She needed him to make her feel alive, she needed to feel wanted, she needed to feel him.
"Because you're drunk and upset so you're not thinking clearly." Mark reasoned with her as he felt her body shift against him rather effectively as his breath caught.
"I'm thinking very clearly, thank you very much." Izzie whispered as she kissed him again before he mustered the will to protest. Their lips met in a whirlwind as Izzie clutched the back of his neck and clung tightly to his arm. His arms encircled her waist as she teased his lower lip with her teeth.
"Oh dear God, we have to stop…" Mark exclaimed in an obviously flustered state. "I'm sorry, we have to, while I still have the good sense to say no to you."
Izzie's jaw dropped in near mock horror, she could feel the solidness of his being against her yet he was gasping for them to stop. She really couldn't believe this. She couldn't actually remember ever being turned down in a night, let alone twice in one night. She didn't know if her esteem could take it. Was she that unlovable? Was she that damaged? Izzie's eyes filled as she felt the girth of his arms underneath her fingertips.
"This can't be happening." Izzie whispered as she fought to keep her tears at bay, she could feel her hands start to shake as she thought of what to do. He felt so delicious pressed against her the way that he was. The last thing in the world she wanted was for him to stop. "First Alex, now you? What happened to me?"
Mark gently placed his hand on her neck and brought her face into his chest, tightening his hold on her.
"Don't cry, okay?" Mark lulled warmly. "You're not in a place right now to make this decision correctly. You're drunk and things didn't go how you thought they would with Alex."
"They aren't going how I thought they would with you, either. This just really isn't my day." Izzie sighed dramatically as she inhaled his scent and held on tightly to him. Mark's mind raced frantically as he thought about what to do next. He doubted with utmost certainty that he would be able to continue deflecting her come on's for much longer, the fact that he was thinking clearly at all no less acting on it was excruciatingly odd for him. He almost didn't understand it. He pulled back to look at her, feeling the slope of her lower back underneath his hands. He studied her face and cleared his throat when his eyes reached her mouth and he felt an unnerving desire to throw caution and his quickly grown conscious to the wind. But he decided against it.
"Why don't you lie down?" Mark insisted calmly, "You look tired."
"What's this? You won't sleep with me, you'll just settle for a feel in the dark when I'm passed out?" Izzie accused unevenly.
"I wouldn't do that." Mark countered defensively as his hands dropped from her back to his side. He took a step towards the bed and pulled the side of the covers down. "You can trust me, If I say I won't touch you, I won't."
"What if I want you to?" Izzie questioned, as she walked up behind him.
"Izzie, please.. just stop. Before I loose what good sense of judgment I've suddenly mustered."
"What's the problem? I feel like this is body snatchers. Would the real Mark Sloan please stand up?" Izzie remarked sarcastically as she ran her hand down his arm. Mark turned around suddenly before she could effectively close the gap between them.
"The problem is that you want Alex. And I'm not Alex, Izzie." Mark explained to her softly, silently willing her to give up. "And while that wouldn't usually matter one way or another to me. I know you. And I would hate for this to further complicate a situation that just needs clear heads and sound minds. You would probably kill me in my sleep when you woke up tomorrow morning. Don't you think we both have enough on our plates without adding each other?"
Izzie couldn't believe the places he was drawing from to disengage her imaginary hook in him. He was trying desperately and she could tell. Maybe they really shouldn't sleep together, she thought for the first time since deciding to pay him a visit. Maybe this really was all just a drunken mistake that they should both let die out gracefully. Her face showed the obvious change in her thoughts as she looked at the floor.
"Yeah, maybe you're right." Izzie muttered softly. Mark felt an instant sense of relief as he motioned for her to get in the bed. Izzie took one last look at Mark's face before sliding off her jacket and shoes and socks and getting in the bed and pulling the covers up to her chin. Mark went into the bathroom momentarily to process his thoughts away from her, he came back as she was drifting off to sleep, he watched her peaceful face for a few moments before noticing the ache in his heart.
Don't even go there man, Mark thought to himself as he shook his head of that particular notion. He quickly and quietly got into the bed next to her, careful to stay on his side as his nose was filled with her scent as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Addison felt sure that she was living in the confines of karma as she clutched her phone in her hand as she lay curled in her bed. All the pillows and tissue around her made her feel as if she was in an enormous vat of endless exhaustion. Her eyes were barely open as she looked in the direction of her phone, her head pounded from her hysterical antics of sob fests that she had been taking part in since Alex had left her several hours earlier. She had called him three different times and it had gone to his voicemail every single time. Not that that really surprised her at all. She hadn't expected him to answer she had only hoped that he would. She just needed to hear his voice on the other line. She needed to say something to him. She hadn't the slightest clue what she would say but she needed to say something. She had been replaying the fight they had had earlier in her head over and over again. She couldn't forget the look of such betrayal and sadness that he had on his face throughout the exchange. She had never seen him that upset about anything. She felt that maybe that was what caused her to freeze up, that and the fact that he found out the very last thing she had ever wanted him to know: her divorce was not at all legal. The thought of Derek made her stomach jolt and flip. She couldn't bear to picture him in her mind without feeling sick. He was the catalyst to the destruction in her heart. Once again, and it was almost as if he had done it vicariously this time. Addison felt such hate for Derek in her being at that moment that it scared her. She thought with utter certainty that she would find a way to make him sign those papers. He wouldn't be able to manipulate her much longer. This was all going to be over soon. Addison just prayed that by the time she was done settling things with Derek that Alex would be willing to give her another shot. However, she didn't know how likely that was going to be because of how deeply she had hurt him. Addison clutched her phone in her hand before hastily moving her thumb across it and holding it to her ear as it rang, she prayed that he would just answer, though she didn't expect him to. He was probably sleeping like she should have been. Her heart started beating faster when she heard his voice on the other end.
"Hello?" Alex said lowly. Just the sound of his voice resonating in her ears caused her heart to drop.
"Hi," Addison offered timidly, she could tell by his voice that he knew it was her.
"Ad-"
"Wait, don't say anything." She cut him off abruptly. Her heart beat increased as she shut her eyes and took a deep breath. "I need to see you."
"I can't." Alex said simply. The hairs on his arms raised at the urgency in her voice.
"Please, I need to see you, Alex." Addison begged, she hated the desperation in her voice but the emptiness in her body made her weak.
"It's 2:00 o'clock in the morning." Alex whispered in response to her plea. He rolled over onto his back and placed a hand on his head. For a moment he wondered why he had even answered the phone. Her voice made his heart hurt.
"I'm so sorry, Alex. I am. We should've stopped before we got in too deep."
Her words stung him. He felt for sure that this was some tumultuous form of reverse psychology. "Don't say that." Alex said stunned, he couldn't believe she had stooped to wishing they had never happened at all, even though he sort of did at that moment himself. She was driving him crazy. He suddenly took it back. "I don't know, maybe you're right."
"Will you come here?" Addison asked meekly. All the while knowing his answer but hoping for the opposite.
"No," Alex said firmly as he rubbed his temple, she was making his head ache. Or maybe it was him who was making his own head throb, he was racking his brain for every option of what to say to her, of what to do, he silently longed for the touch of her hand, the smell of her skin, the feel of her hair.
What the hell did I get myself into? He thought to himself as the reasons to why he was refusing her came to the forefront of his brain. He couldn't trust her. She had lied to him. He had fell in love with her and she had lied to him. He had unknowingly and involuntarily given her the ability to destroy him and that is exactly how he felt: destroyed. The silence on the line stung his ears, he could feel her trying to compose herself from her rising emotions. She didn't want him to know that she was on the brink of tears.
"Ad," Alex whispered softly. Addison felt her hand clutch the phone tighter as her eyes shut in pain as she heard him whisper what he sometimes called her. She opened her eyes and they immediately filled as she tried to keep her composure and hold it together with him on the phone. He could tell that she was struggling to find her voice. It took him a moment to repeat himself. "Ad?"
"Yeah…"
"You've got to stop calling me."
"How long are you going to do this? How long are you gonna punish me?" Addison questioned, her voice wavering slightly.
"I'm not trying to punish you. I just can't right now."
"I need to see you."
"You'll see me tomorrow." He reasoned with her gently. "Now go to sleep, Addy."
"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't give up on me."
"Goodnight." Alex whispered quickly and hung up the phone without hearing her response. He knew if he didn't get off the phone with her right then they'd be on the phone going back and forth for the next hour. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't handle it. She got to him in ways that completely frightened him and put him on edge. He didn't know up from down when they were together, and things kept getting more and more complicated. Her words echoed in his head as he closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
Don't give up on me.