This is the last chapter of my story. It took a long time to write this but I am proud of this story, you can really see my progress as a writer while reading it. Thank you everyone who took the time to read it and pushed me, gave me motivation to go on :) I feel sad as much as I feel happy but I guess it's the feeling you get after finishing a story.
Natsuki's POV:
I don't know how much time has passed since that day - the day when Shizuru and I accepted each other. Sometimes it feels like months and sometimes it feels like only a few minutes have passed. I'd say it was about a week ago. We fell apart but got back up again. I feel grateful that we did, I don't even want to imagine what could have happened if we didn't. Someone would take that last step we took so many times but just put more thought into it. We'd never be able to say proper goodbyes; words would only be muttered to a lifeless body laying in front us. We'd never have a piece of mind and happiness would always evade and ignore us. These thoughts make me shiver.
- Natsuki, are you alright? You look stressed, - I heard.
The two of us were having breakfast in my little cozy kitchen. Shizuru was drinking green tea and reading a newspaper. I was drinking strong black coffee and eating a mayo and ham sandwich (did I mention mayo?).
- I'm fine, just a little distracted, - I said while taking a sip of the now cold coffee. I don't even feel the taste of it.
- Are you sure? You look rather pale and you haven't finished your sandwich, - Shizuru said, worry evident in her voice.
- I… I was just thinking what would it be like if we never… - I trail of.
Shizuru looks right into my eyes. Suddenly, she stands up from her seat across the table and walks over to me. I don't even have the time to react when she pulls my shoulders into a tight hug. I just put my head on her chest and then tightly hug her waist. This lasts for a couple of moments. I hear her heartbeat and it's the most relaxing sound ever.
- Don't think about that, - says Shizuru softly. She's now caressing my cheek with her hand. – I don't want to think about a world without you, I need you.
I smile upon hearing those words, they mean so much to me, they reassure me. I don't want to think about sad things but I can't always control my thoughts. Shizuru always seems to notice when my thoughts take a melancholic turn and is always there to comfort me. She can feel the slightest changes in my mood. Sometimes a hug would be enough to wash away my sadness, sometimes melancholy lasts for days but she never abandons me. Shizuru would just hold me tighter on those days.
- I am grateful that I have you in my life, - I say and kiss her collarbone.
- I know, - she says simply and leans down a bit to kiss the top of my head.
We finish our breakfast and I feel better after talking with her. She may have said only a couple of words but nevertheless, I feel lighter, happier. I'm glad that we comfort each other so easily, even the silence is comforting and isn't weighing us down. Our bond is special and unique – not only because we love each other, it's because it's US, I could never find a person like her and I hope there's no person like me on this planet either.
We spend the afternoon in the living room, Shizuru is reading a book and I'm checking out a stack of magazines about motorcycles. We're in different ends of the couch but still the atmosphere feels intimate. I sigh and turn my head to her. Shizuru is so into the book that she doesn't even notice me watching her. She looks so composed but the crimson eyes are ever so warm. Her slim and long fingers turn the pale pages and I stare into her bare shoulders, they look so inviting. She's only dressed in a black tank top and red pajamas pants but still looks breath-taking. It's always like this - everything she wears looks so good on her. Of course I don't mind when she doesn't wear anything, her body's curves are spectacular on their own. And let's not forget the smoothness of her skin…
- What are you smiling about? – I hear her ask and really, I feel like I've been grinning like an idiot for a while now. Then my cheeks flush a little, god damn it, my body always betrays me.
- I've just been thinking how gorgeous you are, - I see her blush a little. – Really, you're so beautiful.
Shizuru laughs a bit, then slips a leather bookmark into the book and puts it her knees.
- Really, Natsuki? – she smiles. – My hair is disheveled and I'm still in my pajamas.
- So what? I still think you look amazing, - I say and put down the magazine I've been holding. I feel the cold cover touch my leg as I'm wearing my sleeping shorts.
- You have weird priorities, I look like I just got out of the bed, - she says.
- Yes, but I know with whom you've been sharing that bed and I don't mind how you look because you always look good no matter what.
She smiles as she looks into my eyes. She puts away the book she's been reading down on the floor and motions to her legs, I then scoot closer to her and then slowly put my head on her thighs. Shizuru leans in to kiss the tip of my nose and her chestnut hair falls and acts like a curtain to us. I reach out and start curling strands of her hair on my fingers. She just sighs and puts her hand on the armchair, another one on my stomach. I play with her hair for a few seconds but then decide to focus on her features. They have softened, she doesn't have that cold look in her eyes anymore, her lips are no longer in a tight angry line, she looks so much calmer now. Suddenly, not really understanding what I'm doing, I lean in to kiss her. Her lips are so soft it drives me crazy. Shizuru plays a bit with the hem of my shirt and then she slides her hand under it. She puts her hand just under my bra and I inhale sharply.
- Oh my god, your hands are freezing, what the hell? – I start shouting.
Shizuru then smirks and playfully puts her other hand on the small of my back and under the shirt. I squeal and she smiles playfully. We then battle on the couch and only when I straddle her hips and pin her icy hands above her head, I finally start to breathe normally – I won. Shizuru doesn't seem to mind, she's just laughing at me. I let go of her hands and they immediately find my waist. I look at her and appreciate that she's here with me, with ME. It's been a while since I felt so happy and relaxed.
- Natsuki? – she asks softly.
- I love you, - I state simply and lean in to kiss her soft lips once again.
Shizuru's POV:
Sometimes I think about it too. Then I take longer showers, linger on the pages of a book for too long, sip my tea slower. I'm glad that Natsuki doesn't seem to notice, she gets so stressed from her own thoughts, I really wouldn't want her to get even more stressed from mine too. I usually just hold her close, whisper soft words into her ear. I should never let her think that she is not loved hard enough, not even for a second. After I have moved in into her apartment, I always thought that it will be me who'll be haunted by all of these mad thoughts but I was wrong. Natsuki was the one who fell prey to it and really, can I blame her? She'd randomly start shaking, a single tear escaping its way out of her emerald eyes and landing upon her pale cheeks. And then she's calling for me, embracing me and not letting go for hours. I do not protest, she needs me as much as I need her and I don't want her to think otherwise.
We silently made a pact to not give up no matter how hard it will get (because life's hard, you never know what's coming) and to never hurt each other again (not intentionally at least). I think we've had enough of angst and hurt for one lifetime. Natsuki now smiles more than she used to and it alone makes me happy, but when she's having these bad thoughts, I can't help to hurt too. And even though Natsuki would say that this isn't fair and I'm hiding my emotions, for now it's only what to survive. Until we get stronger, until we get braver. She needs to regain her balance and besides, I'm a master when it comes to hiding my emotions. Now I need to be the strong one and I don't mind to comply, I'd do anything for my Natsuki.
After our battle on the couch in the living room, Natsuki and I had a delicious yet simple lunch. I kept making fun of her – her element was ice and yet she's terrified of my cold hands. She kept putting and saying that I'm mean and she'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. I then pretended to apologize but she was ruthless, she was laughing and repeating that it serves me right. The day passed by with a speed of a blink and really, all days were like this. But we didn't care as long as we could spend them together in Natsuki's small apartment. We have been wearing our pajamas all day but that never bothered us.
We were both lying in the bed, she was watching some TV show and I was sucked into the story of a book I was reading. The day drew closer to its end and when it was time for us to go to sleep, Natsuki took a pillow from under her head, turned off the TV and got up from the bed. She took a couple of steps forward and was now lingering in the doorway.
- What are you doing? – I put down the book on the nightstand and looker at her.
- You thought I was joking when I said I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight? – she asked seriously and somehow coldly
- But Natsuki, I was merely joking, - I say as my eyes grow wider.
- You're such a meanie, I almost forgot it, - she said silently.
Natsuki came up to me while still clutching a pillow to her chest. She murmured "goodnight" and then leant down to give me a kiss, her lips lingering on mine. She then turned around and was about to leave the bedroom but I carefully grabbed her wrist.
- Stay, please, - I begged her.
Here I was thinking about how we won't hurt each other from now on but I inadvertently hurt Natsuki's feelings earlier. I didn't mean to but I still felt guilty. She froze in her place though she had her back turned to me. She stood like that for about a minute and then I noticed that her shoulders started shaking though she didn't let out a sound.
- Natsuki, are you crying? – I was shocked and hated myself.
She slowly turned around, tears in her eyes. She looked so lost… Natsuki then sat down on the side of the bed.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I… - I said while pulling her figure into me, my voice shaking.
Natsuki put her cheek against my chest and my tank top instantly became wet from her tears. She put both of her hands around my neck and embraced her slim waist tightly.
- I never meant to hurt you, - I whisper into her blue locks.
- No, Shizuru, it's not… it's not that, - I heard.
I pulled back a little so I could see her face, I pushed aside a strand of her hair that got glued to her wet cheek. This view – her puffy and slightly red eyes, wet cheeks and shaking lips was so heart-breaking, for a while I thought that I'm going to break down in tears too.
- It's not your fault. It is I who was mean, - she said still sobbing. – I thought, what it would be like if I hurt you, would you walk away? I didn't want to sleep on the couch but I have already said that while being hot-headed and I couldn't take it back.
I wiped the tears from her beautiful face and looked into her eyes.
- I don't really understand, - I say honestly.
- I got so scared, I thought that you'll get mad and leave because I was mean to you. In a way I wanted to hurt you and see what you would do but then I got terrified. What would I do if you'd really leave me? It was so painful only thinking about it, I'm so sorry, - Natsuki cried out and buried her face into my chest again. – Please, don't ever leave me, I can't breathe without you.
After hearing what she had just said, my lips formed into a gentle smile. Natsuki, you idiot. I slowly reach out and turn of the lamp that was on the nightstand and it was the only source of light in the room. The bedroom fell into darkness in a matter of seconds. Then slowly, still holding Natsuki in my arms, I leaned down on my back until my head hit the pillow. Neither of us moved, it was just the bed and us, tangled in the limbs and white sheets.
- Natsuki, I'm never letting you go and I'm never leaving you, - I started. – You are everything I fought for and I won't give up or walk away so easily.
She leaned back a bit and let go of my neck, then she propped herself up on her elbows and stared into me.
- Really? – she asked, her voice slightly breaking.
- Really, never doubt it.
Natsuki leant in and kissed my dry lips. I closed my eyes and reciprocated the kiss, trying to put all of my feelings into it. Natsuki traced down my bottom lip with her tongue and I opened my mouth to let it in. I don't know for how long did we kiss but when we stopped, Natsuki put down her head on my shoulder and shifted slightly so it would be more comfortable for us to sleep. I kissed her forehead and Natsuki soon fell fast asleep.
So that's why she's always so stressed, she's afraid that I can leave any minute. But that's nonsense, I could never do that, I love her too much to walk out, I've been through too much to leave. She literally is my and I want to live, I want to love. I know it will take us a while to get where we want to be and sometimes it will be difficult to do so but we will get there, we will get there no matter what. We have each other, we sacrificed too much and the wounds haven't healed yet but we will get through. On tough days we'll whisper "just live through today, breathe, take small but firm steps and go forward" and if we'll need it, we'll repeat these words to each other again tomorrow. Because we are no longer lonely, no longer angry and misunderstood, no longer afraid and hurt. We are no longer loveless.