The Shire, August of 1437

Merry looked out the round window of his sitting room and saw Buckland in its finest. Summer was still warm and bright and autumn was so far away one could never imagine that winter even existed. He had come to love these lands; they were just the right place for a Hobbit. He had to admit that life at Brandy Hall was good, the Hobbit hole fitted him much better than the stone halls of Minas Tirith and the people around him didn't stop and stare the way they had done in Gondor.

Yet he found he longed back there, so much that it made his heart ache. Today was one year to the day since he had been brought to the Houses of Healing, alive but wounded, robbed of his past and with an uncertain future. On that day he had been terrified and lonely but there had also been a glimpse of joy which he had not seen since he left Minas Tirith. Éowyn had been there. His lady, the one he remembered, her sweet appearance always clad in white and always with that fair hair hanging down her back like a cape. The way she had talked to him and the way she had looked at him made him feel better than anything else. She was far away now and he missed her terribly.

The Shire was his home now, or at least so he was supposed to feel. Everyone around him assured him that he belonged there, that he had come home at last and that he must never leave again. And in truth he felt better in these surroundings than when he had been lonely in Minas Tirith. But he could not feel at home here, something was missing. The only time he had really felt any belonging during the past year had been with her. It was crazy, but she was his home now, and when he was parted from her he felt lost. He knew it didn't make any sense and that if he told anyone they would call him mad, but he couldn't help but feel that way. He had written her letters and she had replied, but it was not the same as seeing her face to face. If it was not for all the kindness he had been shown in the Shire he would have returned to her a long time ago.

There was a soft knock on the door. He braced himself and went to open it. He had sent word to Estella Bolger to come see him today, to tell her that their marriage was put off indefinitely. No doubt would she be sorry to hear it and he didn't even want to think of what her family might do. Her brother Fredegar, or Fatty as his well-earned nickname was, would no doubt be furious with him in his father's place. Merry had seen Fatty a few times, apparently the two had been friends before, and although Merry found the very idea of Fatty defending his sister's honour ridiculous he sure didn't want the trouble it would no doubt bring.

He opened the door for her and Estella stepped inside with a warm smile on her face. There was something so soft and gentle about her which made his whole agenda much more difficult. It would be hard hurting such a soft creature, especially since she would probably offer him nothing but brave understanding.

What he really wanted to tell her was that their engagement was off. He had only seen her once before and he felt nothing more now then he had then. But something Pippin had said kept him from breaking the engagement. He must have loved her before, to ask her to be his wife. If he rejected her now and broke her heart he might regret it bitterly when he remembered her again. The best way to go was to postpone the ceremony and stay betrothed until further notice.

"I'm glad you asked me to come here" she said in her soft voice and took his hands with a smile. "I've missed you. Since we saw each other last, I mean, even though I of course missed you before that as well. I have been wanting to come here and meet with you but I thought you might need some time and I didn't want to disturb you."

"That's mighty kind of you" he said.

"Though I am here now" she said, still with that soft voice, and rubbed the back of his hands with her thumbs. "I should have brought you champignons."

"Oh you really don't need to do any such things" Merry said quickly. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel she owed him anything.

"Are you going to tell me why I am here today, or did you just want to look at my face as much as I've wanted to look at yours?"

"I asked you here to speak of the wedding. But before you say anything I must remind you of how things are now. With me, I mean."

"You don't want us to marry by the end of the year, I can understand that much" she said gently. "Don't worry about it Meriadoc. Nobody expects us to be wed before the month of June, a year after you came home, and I understand that you need a little time. If I've waited this long I can surely wait until next summer."

"I'm afraid it doesn't end there" Merry said and pulled his hands out of hers. "This wedding… I can't commit myself to anybody at this time, I can't stand next to you and promise you eternal love, nor let you promise me that, when I don't even remember you or know who you are. It's not fair and it's not fitting. The wedding will have to be postponed, I don't know for how long. That is if you still want it."

"You know I do" her soft voice said. "And I see your dilemma. After all these years all I want is to finally be the wife I was going to be to you, I have never forgotten it and now that you are back I know there was a reason why."

"I must be frank with you; I hate feeling that I owe you something when I cannot give it to you. So many years of your life to no use, how can I ever give them back to you? Whatever happened to all the romance in your life? How come you wasted your life waiting for a lover who you thought was dead?"

"Wasted my life?" Estella asked, even now with softness. "I had one love and one alone, whether he was alive or dead. Remembering that love is not a waste. Marrying someone I didn't love just for the sake of getting to put a Mrs in front of my name, that would have been a waste."

"When you put it like that… Estella I would give the very breath from my chest to give all those years back to you, and all the heartache. But I can't."

"You always know just what to say" she smiled and gently caressed his cheek with the back of her hand.

Merry looked confused, not sure exactly what he had said or how it had helped her. He couldn't tell whether or not this conversation was going where he wanted it to, somehow she seemed to be the one controlling it. Through all her sweetness, which felt genuine and candid, he could sense a determination in her and enough strength to go after what she wanted. Right now he was what she wanted and he wondered if he would be able to avoid letting her win.

"Estella does it not bother you that you look at me with love and I look at you and see a stranger?" he had to ask.

"Oh Merry, you dear fool" she said. "What does it matter whether or not you remember me?"

The question startled Merry.

"It matters a whole lot, I would say!"

"We loved one another" she said gently. "Those things about me that made you fall in love are still there. Once you let go of your obsession with memories and just live life again you will find that I am still that Hobbit that you once asked to be your wife. You fell in love with me once and you will do so again, for you have no power to control it. We can start anew, you and I. Take your time, as much as you need, and then seek me out. Just trust in me like I trust in you, and everything will be alright."

"I hope you are right" Merry said and closed his eyes, wishing she could have been his feeling of home instead. With his left hand the clasped the hand she held against his cheek. "For both our sakes."

XX
XX

After eating a large lunch Merry heard some noise outside and headed out to see what the commotion was all about. Estella had left more than an hour ago and right now all he wanted was some peace and quiet, whatever the hullabaloo was he would tell them to settle down and not cause such a disturbance.

When he came outside he found a number of Hobbits gathered around, looking like they were waiting for something to happen. A few yards away stood Pippin, visiting for the first time in weeks, clad in his Gondorian armour. Merry wondered what was up but when he took a step towards his cousin a shiny sword landed by his feet. Pippin looked at him with firm eyes and spoke.

"Alright mister, you've had a year, now it's time for the gloves to come off!"

Merry stared with a gaping mouth at the sword by his feet. Had Pippin gone completely mad? The next thing he knew he heard a sword being drawn, assumingly by Pippin, and frightened he grabbed the sword by his feet and held it up in defence.

Pippin came walking up to him, slowly but with the scheming of a cat. The sword in his hand looked sharp and Merry wondered exactly what Pippin intended to do.

"You were a good swordsman in your day, Master Meriadoc" Pippin said in a voice Merry had never heard before. "You must remember it."

"I'm afraid I do not" Merry said and glanced over at Pippin to mirror the way he held his sword.

"No?"

"No! So whatever it is you--"

Before he could finish Pippin had swung his sword at him with full force, forcing him to react with the speed of lightning. He barely managed to swing his sword high enough for it to stop Pippin's and for a paralysing moment he believed his cousin had gone mad and wished to kill him.

Pippin casually walked a few paces away from him and spoke as if nothing at all was the matter.

"For a year now you have sat around waiting to remember. I think you know how to remember, somewhere you do. We shall see just how that works."

He swung his blade at Merry again and with genuine fear Merry managed to fend it off at the last second. Again Pippin walked a few paces away, still very casually. Merry glanced at the Hobbits around them. They all looked startled but none of them seemed intent on coming to his aid. He wondered what would happen if the next blow hit him instead of his sword.

"You were well taught in the art of swordplay" Pippin said. "Boromir of Gondor taught us both before he died. Further training was received at our respective courts. You put your skills into great use at the battlefield."

Again he came after Merry, swinging his blade, once again having it fended off by Merry's. Merry backed a few paces and began to pant, the sword was heavy and every nerve in his body was tensed. Pippin took two steps away from him, then suddenly turned and made his move again, this time striking twice with Merry managing to fend both blows off. Merry's heart pounded with full force and he could feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"Do you have what it takes?" Pippin asked and swung his sword twice more. "Can you remember when your life depends on it?" he cried. "If you don't remember your swordplay now then you will be dead within five more strokes from my sword. You are parrying it wrong, wasting your strength!"

"You're crazy!" Merry cried.

For an insane eternity, it could have been five minutes or an hour, Pippin kept coming after Merry and Merry kept backing and parrying. Suddenly, without really knowing how it had happened, Merry changed his grip on the sword and swung it with more precision. He struck back at Pippin who skilfully stepped aside and returned the attack.

The fight went on, but now it was not solely Pippin who attacked and Merry who parried. They both swung their swords at one another, releasing much of the anger, resentment, hurt and frustration that they had been bottling up inside for a year. Merry began to feel more and more that he knew what he was doing. Techniques came back to him as if they were instinct and it all almost seemed like a well choreographed show.

"Do you remember?" Pippin cried, noticing the difference quite clearly. "Do you remember?"

"Yes!" Merry cried.

But that did not stop the fight. They fought until Merry felt the whole world had turned into a cloud of dust from the ground, the sound of blade on blade and the heavy beatings of his heart.

After what felt like ages Merry had no strength left and he sunk down on his knees, sweating and panting heavily. If Pippin was intent on killing him then he would have to do so with Merry unarmed. He let go of his sword and closed his eyes for a second.

When he opened them Pippin stood by his feet, breathing heavily but far less exhausted than Merry was. Merry looked up at him and could not tell anything by the look in his eyes. That was far more scary than anything else and Pippin seemed to realise that for he shook his head slightly.

"That was not so hard, was it?" he said. "No need to look at me like that. Had I wanted to kill you you would have been dead now."

With that he dropped his sword at Merry's feet and turned and walked away. Merry slowly got up on his feet, glad that nobody rushed to his side. He felt humiliated and defeated and wished nobody had been around to witness the battle. Pippin's figure disappeared around a hilltop. Without knowing why Merry gave a furious cry and ran after him.

He caught up with him not long after the hill and with ferocity threw himself over the younger Hobbit, causing him to fall to the ground with a large thud.

"Are you completely out of your mind?" Merry snarled. "Are you?"

"Are you? Attacking me from behind?"

Pippin managed to turn, without Merry ever knowing how, and began to wrestle. Both of them could consider themselves lucky nobody had followed to see what would happen next, for they would surely have been embarrassed to be seen like that, rolling around on the ground like two youngsters fighting over something unimportant.

"I remembered something practical, a skill" Merry growled through gritted teeth. "That is not the same as remembering something else! Don't pride yourself in anything."

"You have the ability to remember you just won't" Pippin snarled back. "I am tired of walking on eggshells around you, it's always be careful around Merry this, and don't upset Merry that. You had a year and nothing happened; now you cannot hide behind your proclaimed memory loss anymore, face the world and deal with it!"

"Proclaimed?"

Merry was strengthened by his anger but Pippin was less tired and in the end managed to pin Merry down by the river bank.

"Calm down and act with some dignity or I will throw you in the Brandywine as true as my name being Took!"

Merry had some very vicious things on the tip of his tongue but he kept quiet and when Pippin felt him relax he moved aside and released his grip. Merry was unable to move for a while, even more humiliated now and still very angry. All he could do was lay there and fight to catch his breath, staring at the sky above and wishing evil things over Pippin. Pippin sat on his knees next to him, panting too, but not as angry. He seemed to have gotten to say what he needed to say and was ready to go back home as soon as Merry got up and proved he was able to get back to the Hall on his own.

"Just walk away" he said to Merry when they had both rested for a while. "Go back to Brandy Hall and forget about it all like you've done so well in the past year."

"What are we trying to save?" Merry asked, still not moving. "All that anger you showed when you were fencing was real, was that still about the things you wonder if I might have lied about?"

"I am sick and tired of you Merry" Pippin said. "Sick and tired of it all in fact. During the first months I understood that we needed to treat you delicately but after a whole year we can't keep doing that. This is life Merry, face it. It's not going to get any better and I am not going to try and shelter you from any of it."

"No it was more than that" Merry panted. "You hated me up there!"

"You're right" Pippin said after a pause. "I hate you so. And I love you so. You have no idea how hard those two are to combine."

Through his anger and his fatigue Merry had to chuckle.

"I never thought you hated me that much though. Forgive me for not appreciating being hated by you when your reasons make no sense at all to me. Hate me for having made false promises? That's a little extreme, wouldn't you say?"

"I hate you because I can't stop caring about you. I hate you because throughout everything all I've wanted to do has been to tell you time and time again how much I care about you. I don't want to care; I really, really do not want to care anymore! I want to be free but you won't let me be. Words cannot express what you mean to me and for that you deserve all my hatred."

"Sounds a bit backwards if you ask me" Merry panted.

"You shouldn't mean a thing to me now, you haven't deserved it. For all the pain and sorrow you have caused me you should hold no power over my heart. I love something that never existed and I hate you so for that."

"It seems we have had this discussion before" Merry said, finally beginning to catch his breath. "Why is it that you always keep coming back for more?"

"The perfect friendship that ended wrong" Pippin said. "I don't think anyone else has ever cared about me more than you used to. Not even Diamond, not in the same way. You saw me for all my faults and you didn't care a bit about them. She does, but she loves me anyway. I don't know, perhaps that is the better way. Merry what I wouldn't do just to be with you again, the Merry on the other side of the accident by the river. But that is never going to happen so can we please walk our separate ways?"

"No" Merry said. "We can't. We have to be in each other's lives one way or another and I have been thinking a lot of what you said about when I remember again. I owe it to myself not to throw anything away that I cared about then. Don't you think you owe it to us both not to throw anything away until I have the chance to appreciate them? What happens the day I have my memories back and everything could go back to normal, me being that Hobbit you have missed for all these years?"

"That Hobbit, and that friendship, does not exist" Pippin said and rose to his feet. "You want to do something for me cousin? Let my life be as it was before. Before you came back. I had a life going for myself and I want to keep that life, not the one I had a decade ago. Walk back to your home and live your life separate from mine."

"Home?" Merry said and rose as well. "Home is a feeling, not a place. I have no home here."