You've Got Something

Notes: When Goku asks questions, Hakkai may have answers. After all, some questions are more complicated than others.

25: Student and Teacher

"Thanks for meetin' me, Hakkai!" Goku had waited outside in a coat that looked far too thin, so Hakkai thought, as the January bluster ruffled his hair. Hakkai tugged his scarf closer as he joined Goku under the canopy of the cafe Goku had suggested, somewhat out of the blue.

"Happy to, of course." He granted Goku a smile, which Goku matched with his usual beam. "You said Gojyo was interviewing? Already? I thought he only put the ad out last week."

"Yeah, but he already got like twenty responses. He picked out the best ten." Goku scrunched his nose. "He said, 'no reason to wait,' and got down to business narrowing 'em down."

"I see." Hakkai held the door for Goku and let him enter first. "I'm glad he's hiring help, but I do hope he's not rushing for the sake of just getting it done."

"Nah." Goku drew his arms in tight, then unzipped his jacket and fanned his face. "But even though I know it's not what he's really doin', I don't like feelin' like I'm bein' replaced."

"Why, Goku, you're his valued pupil." Hakkai ushered Goku into the long line in front of them. "He has stated to me that he wouldn't have made it as far as he has without your help. He's already promised you a position upon graduation, he just needs someone who can do everything that's needed now."

"Mm." Goku bit his lip. "I'm kinda impatient, I guess." Then, he looked around. "Hey, have you thought about setting up some tables in your shop? Not a lot, you need space for the breads and stuff, but maybe a couple little tables for people to drink their drinks?"

"It's something that's been suggested, yes." Hakkai could read a subject change when Goku was flagging for one. "Sanzo and I were debating setting some outdoor tables up when the weather got warm, but we would love to put some small tables near the display window. Do you suppose it'd be a problem to move the croissants to the muffin display wall?"

He and Goku made small talk, but behind it, Hakkai was mulling Goku over. He and Goku were friendly, very much so – after all, he was seeing Hakkai's longtime best (only) friend – but they rarely spoke outside of chance interactions at one another's businesses. It wasn't unusual for Goku to strike up friendly conversation with anyone in earshot, but Goku hadn't invited him out until today. He had said that Gojyo interviewing was making him "antsy," and he wanted to be distracted while it was going on. Gojyo had given Goku the afternoon off, and Hakkai was happy to take him somewhere away from both of their businesses. It was still unusual that Goku had asked him instead of Sanzo. Hakkai kept watching for any tells that betrayed what Goku was really going for, all while trying to remind himself that Goku was dreadful at hiding his intentions, and generally, he would tell Hakkai what he was really going for the second he was ready.

Sure enough, once they'd both gotten coffees and found a seat in a quiet corner, Goku leaned conspiratorially across the table. "C'n I ask you somethin'?"

"Anything." Hakkai settled as Goku stared into his face, as if already searching for his answer in his eyes before even asking:

"How d'you know when you're in love?"

Hakkai blinked a few times, then pressed his hand over his own heart. "My, you're asking me?"

"Uh-huh." Goku nodded, head bobbing like a chicken on speed. "You're the smartest guy I know, plus, y'know, you an' Gojyo are a thing, so if anyone knows, it's you!"

"Oh." Hakkai turned his chin down and covered his mouth as he thought. "My. I … I suppose. I've been in love before, so…"

"Really?"

"Yes." Hakkai laced his fingers and let his gaze focus on his coffee cup instead of Goku's wide eyes. "I was with someone for nearly four years."

"Wow." Goku gasped. "And you were in love with him?"

"I thought I was. I thought he was the only person who understood me like I did myself. I was wrong, very wrong." Hakkai sighed. Leave it to Goku to ask a complicated question that sounded so simple. "It's embarrassing to admit, I was rather different when I was younger. I thought myself too intelligent for most people my age; they bored me. I met… well…"

"You mean Nii, huh?" Goku grabbed his cup tight. "How much older is he?"

"He's my senior by thirteen years." Hakkai couldn't meet Goku's eyes. "We met when I was taking a philosophy course, one geared towards personal morality with regard to medicine. He was the professor."

Goku gaped. "Really? So, uh, how'd you and he… y'know." Goku made a few vague hand motions, which Hakkai interpreted as:

"Hook up?" Goku swiftly nodded, trying not to look embarrassed about it, and Hakkai reassured him with a vague smile. "He began to speak with me after class. He said he recognized me as one of Sanzo's friends from school, and he said he knew me as 'the smart one.' It started as casual conversation, and he eventually invited me to join him for coffee and conversation off campus."

Goku nodded a few times, the wheels turning, synthesizing the new information, and after a moment, asked, "So, how'd you know you were in love with him?"

"I'm not certain, to be honest." Hakkai traced the rim of his mug. "It just came naturally. Heated conversations about existentialism and the purpose of human life turned into passion, and it really was as stupidly simple as 'one thing led to another.'" He gave a little sigh, feeling oddly compressed under Goku's scrutiny. Goku, however, didn't seem distraught, and Hakkai knew he was only imagining any form of judgment.

"Yeah, but how'd you know it was right? You don't just stay if you don't care."

"I did care." Hakkai pushed some of his hair from his face. "He was… affectionate, and I reciprocated. He made me feel like I mattered, and I'd spent so much of my life convinced that I didn't matter, not to anybody. I was lonely when I met him; my sister had moved to San Francisco for school, while I stayed close to home, and I was missing my other half. He was someone to talk to." Hakkai pursed his lips for a moment. "Goku, love is sugar-simple and easy to tumble into. What you really should know is when it isn't love."

Goku's eyes widened. "Whaddya mean?"

"Simply put, when someone is attractive and interesting, you feel the butterflies in your stomach and a knot in your throat when you see them or think of them. I imagine you have those sorts of feelings when you think about Sanzo."

"Yeah." Goku beamed, hunching his shoulders up. "And oh man. It's the craziest thing, I actually kinda feel a little sick sometimes. I know we haven't known each other long, but I feel sorta, y'know…" He struggled, squeezing his fists tight as he thought before spitting out: "Called to him. Like I'm supposed to be with him. Supposed to know him. Does that sound stupid?"

"Not at all." Hakkai waved a hand, and Goku let his head sink as he took a sip of his coffee. "But those feelings don't last. Even in good relationships, those puppydog feelings of early love dissolve after three years."

"What?" Goku jerked stark upright, neck straight, eyes wide. "Only three–"

"It's a scientifically documented phenomenon. 'Limerence,' as it's called, is the state of wanting a romantic relationship and desiring for romantic feelings to be returned, and it generally lasts three years." He put on a watery little smile and tried a joke: "Those butterflies don't live forever, after all." Goku didn't quite smile, but Hakkai went on anyway, "Only after that can one truly know if the bond they have formed will last." Hakkai looked down into the coffee in his cup, his reflection dark, before swirling the mug and taking a sip. Goku took what Hakkai told him in, nodding.

"So, you're saying that maybe I think I'm in love now, but I have to wait three years to know for sure." He bit his lip. "What happened after three years with Nii?"

Hakkai winced, but he knew he owed Goku an answer. "I began to realize that the loneliness I felt was as strong as ever, perhaps even deeper. Somehow, Nii took my feelings that he was the only one who understood me, that nobody else could understand us, and convinced me that former mentors and friends couldn't be trusted. His father wanted to break us up because he thought I was too young to be with Nii, but surely, I knew what was best for myself. Koumyou still saw me as a child, I should only speak to him when he's willing to treat me as an adult. Sanzo was jealous, and if he wanted to be my friend, he would accept our relationship. All three of them had tried to convince me that Nii wasn't a good choice, and I pushed them away. I began to feel lonely even when I was with Nii. He was still charismatic and intelligent, but I began to feel small, like my star was being swallowed by a black hole."

Goku gaped. "That sounds awful."

"I didn't see it for what it was until my sister became ill and passed away. Only then did it all come together, and I had to be rid of him." Hakkai pushed his cup away, giving up any illusion of being interested in it, and sighed. "It's dreadful, though. I know Sanzo is nothing like that, and Gojyo even less so, but I worry. Truth be told, Goku, only you will know when you're in love, and you're smart enough to know when that bond is true."

"I don't think Sanzo'd ever hurt me like that." Goku laced his fingers on the table, but Hakkai could see his fingers shaking. "I… I think I really like him, a lot. Maybe even love him. But I dunno if he feels the same way, and I dunno how long he's gonna wanna keep me around." He sighed a little. "And now his dads are trying to help me with stuff 'cause they like me, but I know I annoy Sanzo sometimes, what if he decides I'm too annoying or something?" He squeezed his fingers a little tighter and sank down in the chair. "What if he doesn't like me like I like him?"

Hakkai took Goku's hand in his. "Then you move on. His parents will do what they want and wrap up their own business, they're allowed to make what choices they want." He gave Goku's hand a squeeze. "But really, you should enjoy it. And trust me when I tell you he does like you. He wouldn't make the efforts he has made if he didn't. Be patient with him, yes? You're the first person I've seen him with, he's still learning too."

"Oh." Goku smiled sheepishly. "Um, you have any ideas for me to help him along?"

"Take initiative. I think that if you can show him that you care, he'll learn to show it in return." Hakkai withdrew his hands and rubbed his chin. "Perhaps ask him out. He likes ice skating, and I believe there's a frozen pond at a nearby park. You should take him, I think he'll enjoy it."

"Wow, really?" Goku leaned over the table. "That sounds like fun! I've never been before, maybe he'll teach me how!"

"Certainly." Hakkai lifted his coffee to his lips, his spirits raised by Goku's enthusiasm. "In fact, he took me ice skating once when we were in high school. He's graceful; I hadn't expected it." He smiled fondly at the memories, as Goku's eyes widened. "It was embarrassing for me, though, I slipped and fell on top of him while he was guiding me on the ice. Fortunately, he didn't shout at me. He actually laughed."

"Huh." Goku suddenly looked nervous, though Hakkai couldn't fathom why. "I'll think about it. Maybe…" He hesitated, before daring, "Maybe we could all go together. Like a double date!"

"Oh, that does sound fun." Hakkai imagined Gojyo on ice skates, gliding carefully across a rink, his red hair blown in the wind and catching sunlight, and couldn't suppress a smile. "Let's ask them about it."

"Yeah!" Goku was his usual eager self for a split second, but it waned after a moment. "Um. About Gojyo."

"Yes?"

Goku's face fell. "You said… you sound real nervous about love and stuff. Hakkai, what's that mean for you and–"

Hakkai held a hand up. "Goku." Goku bit his tongue. "Please don't worry about us. We're just fine." He took a breath, then got his phone out. "Have I shown you the pictures I took of Ryuu yet?" He opened the gallery, and Goku gasped and leaned over the table so Hakkai could scroll through the entire gallery of Gojyo and Ryuu apparently having an argument over who got to sit closer to Hakkai.

It was a distraction. Goku likely knew it, he could read a subject change when someone else wanted it, but he likely could tell that pushing the issue would be rude. Hakkai wasn't sure he was ready to completely think it through himself. Saying it out loud made it seem heavier: what if Hakkai was still too blinded by his fascination to see Gojyo for what he was? Even looking at the photographs of Gojyo scowling at Ryuu and trying to shoo him back as Ryuu swatted at him only made Gojyo seem like the man Hakkai thought he knew, but Hakkai couldn't yet know if there was something else under the surface.

After all, he and Nii had still looked happy in the photographs Hakkai had shredded.

As Hakkai tried to lose himself in Goku's eager squealing over Ryuu swatting at Gojyo and Gojyo chasing the cat back, Hakkai noticed something from the corner of his eye – someone watching him. He turned and saw a familiar face at another table: Hazel Grouse, that genial young man who'd been at the bar that one time and later at the bakery, rising to his feet. He seemed to notice that Hakkai had spotted him, and beamed and waved. Hakkai, unsure of how else to react, waved back. He was just a little too friendly, and Hakkai found himself in no mood for more friends. Instead, he tried to focus back on Goku, on Gojyo, and the happy memories he had.

The difficult things could wait. He had to deal with himself before he could Hopefully, they could wait a long time.

Gojyo had cleared his afternoon schedule for interviews, though he found himself a little distracted through most of them, wondering what Hakkai and Goku were doing out together. Lucky jerks, out having coffee and probably talking smack about him while he was stuck talking to a bunch of brown-nosing kids and trying to figure out which one he could stand to be around the longest.

He'd called the ten people with the best credentials back. Most of them were fresh out of school, but he had one or two actual adults. All of them had one thing in common: they were faking any respect they had for him. He'd expected it, since he'd been in the same position not four years ago, but damn, they started out all nice, shaking his hand, then they actually looked at him and the fake smiles came out. He hated feeling like someone was seeing through him just from looking at him. "Probably should've expected it," he muttered to himself as he made a note on the previous interviewee's resume: 'would not quit staring at my hair.'

The last interviewee had a name Gojyo couldn't pronounce, but the last name was nice and easy. He left his office to see a larger man with thick dreadlocks bound up behind his head occupying one of the chairs near the front door, and approached. "Mr. Hawk, right?" The big guy stood up – and Gojyo had to tip his head back, because the man towered over him. Then, he nodded. Gojyo waited, but Mr. Hawk waited too, his expression blank but not unfriendly. Gojyo motioned for him to follow. "Uh, you can come back. I apologize, but I'm having a little trouble with your name. How would you like me to say this?"

"Gat's fine." He shrugged. "Everyone else calls me that."

"You don't gotta. I'll learn your name, it's no big."

Gat studied Gojyo, then muttered, "Nenegatty. Gat's better. Faster."

"You raise a good point. If you're sure you're good with Gat, Gat it is." Gojyo grinned at him, and Gat cracked a thin, brief smile. "I'm Gojyo, this's my shop, and if you'd like to step into my office, we can chat."

Gat wasn't much of a chatter. He squeezed into the chair opposite Gojyo's paper-strewn desk and nodded as Gojyo confirmed his name and basic information, then reviewed the high points on his resume: "So, you did car repair for your family's shop in Arizona?"

Gat nodded, then offered, "On the rez. Lots of older cars."

"I gotcha, I gotcha." That was interesting, anyway. "Says that was two years ago you left, any reason?"

Gat was quiet for a moment, then muttered, "Friend went to college here. Came with him to try somewhere new."

"I guess you grew up on the rez, huh?" Gojyo set the resume aside and took Gat in. "If you don't mind me asking, you Navajo?"

Gat evinced surprise for a split second, then answered, "Apache."

"Cool. But I can see wanting to come new places after staying the same place your whole life." Gojyo laced his fingers on the table. "What's real important is if you got a valid certification."

Gat nodded, and reached into his jacket for a folded-up piece of diploma paper. "Good 'til March. Was gonna renew it for California."

Gojyo skimmed Gat's certificate. "Hmm. It's Arizona, but we can check and see if the Cali requirements match up. I can't imagine they wouldn't." The guy was more experienced than him, his salary demand was totally reasonable, and even if he was quiet, he seemed honest enough. Gojyo had noticed one thing on the resume that he still had to ask about: "I see you're still employed as a bartender. In fact, I remember you." He grinned across the table. "I dunno if you remember, but an ex-buddy of mine and some of his dudes decided to pick a fight at your bar, and you had to break it up."

"You and your friend were okay, right?" Gat clearly did remember, his expression somber. Gojyo snorted.

"We're just fine. Still together, even. So, uh, why're you leaving that job?"

Gat shook 'no.' "I'm not. It's a night job, part-time. You're advertising for daytime work, full-time. You close at six. My shifts start at eight. No overlap." Gat then bowed his head forward, gripping the arms of the chair. "Is that a problem?"

"Nah. I mean, if you can handle it." Gojyo tried to run the math in his head, but if what Gat was saying was true, he would probably be working the same amount of hours that Gojyo was now. "If you're willing to do the work, then I'm willing to have you. You got any questions?"

Gat had a few questions, what kind of repair work Gojyo did the most of, what the clientele was like, how many cars the garage averaged in a week: good stuff that Gojyo would have wanted him to know. Gat seemed like a perfect fit on the surface, and Gojyo didn't even want to think about the last bunch of guys who'd sat in his chair. Gojyo wrote a number down on Gat's resume and pushed it towards him. "How's that sound for a yearly salary, Mr. Gat?"

Gat's eyes widened. "More than I asked for."

"I like you." Gojyo grinned. "I wanna give you the ten-to-six shift and make you a closer, so I can change to a six-to-four, and make you a keyholder. When can you start? I want you to meet the receptionist and apprentice, so I'll make sure they're both on schedule. That is, if you're willing to take the position."

Gat rose and extended a big hand to Gojyo, and Gojyo stood and shook it, as Gat gave his earnest answer: "Thank you."

"Thank you." Gojyo grinned at him. "Let me get the forms printed out, and we can shake out all the details."

Gat filled out the paperwork without complaint as Gojyo figured out how to factor Gat into the payroll, but when he finished and held them out to him, he repeated, "Thank you. We needed this."

"Hey, man, I get it." Gojyo put the papers down behind him (work for future Gojyo), and took Gat's hand for another hearty shake. Gat just shook his head again.

"My friend… he needed me to get this. Student debt." He gave Gojyo a significant look, and though Gojyo wasn't sure what it meant, he nodded.

"I gotcha. We all got stuff we gotta handle."

Gojyo could watch Gat depart with a smile on his face. He'd just given a good man a job, and he was going to cut his hours so Hakkai would worry a little less. He figured when Goku was done school, he might even be able to get another day off. Maybe Tuesdays. That thought was akin to reclaiming a little of the life he'd given up for the sake of being good. It'd be worth it, because he had something better than good.

"Only up from here, right?" He grinned to himself, at the cloudy sky, and his mind drifted right back to Hakkai.

Hazel was waiting for Gat at the bus stop. His thin, lithe hand slipped naturally into Gat's palm, and Gat squeezed his fingers just a little, eliciting a stifled giggle.

"How'd your interview go?" Hazel looked up to Gat (he had to, the man was two heads over him), and Gat nodded.

"Got the job."

"That's great! Gosh, it'll be nice to have a good source of income!" The bus pulled up just then, opening its doors, and Hazel pulled his hand from Gat's to clamber on first. "Your bartendin' is great, but it sure is expensive to live 'round here on one income!"

"Close to your school, yes," Gat agreed cautiously.

"I'd work if I could, but my course load's killer," Hazel went on as if he hadn't heard him, his voice bright enough to be heard clearly over the low murmur of the rest of those riding the bus as he edged his way down the center aisle and to an empty bench. "Y'got no idea how much I appreciate all you do for me."

"Mm." Gat sat on the outside edge of the bus seat, corralling Hazel in towards the window. Hazel whipped out his phone, and spoke to Gat in a stage whisper:

"I just happened to see Mister Hakkai out and about with the apprentice from that shop. Heard a little of the conversation, too. Forgive me a sec, just gonna text the Prof." Gat's eyes widened, and Hazel frowned and turned from his phone to stare him down. "Somethin' wrong?"

It sounded so casual. Gat shook his head. "I don't like it."

Hazel's features sagged. "I know y'don't, darlin'." He kept his voice low, but kept typing. "But me and Professor Ukoku got this arrangement, and if I gotta nose into this Hakkai fella's life to keep him happy, so be it. We're just lucky you're in on the other end now with – what's his name? Gojyo?"

"Mm." Gat would have lied if there'd been a point to it. He also would have told Hazel that Gojyo happened to be a stand-up man, friendly and warm, if it would make a difference. "He's nice."

"Well, I'm sure, but do keep an eye on him. I ain't quite sure what Professor Ukoku's lookin' for, but he says he's concerned for Hakkai's welfare, so anything funny ought'a come to him."

Gat slid down in the bus seat. "What'd you hear?"

Hazel, still typing, smirked. "Well, long story short, it's clear to me they ain't rock solid. If Professor Ukoku's gonna swoop in and save him from that fella, he's likely still got an opening."

Gat wanted to ask how Hazel could possibly think that this observation could have any sort of beneficial purpose, but he knew Hazel would tell him the same thing as always:

"The professor asked me to take care of it, so I will. We all do what we gotta, ain't that right?"

Gat silently observed as Hazel finished his text message to his teacher, then let his arm rest against Hazel's. Hazel gasped softly with surprise, drawing away for a moment, then relaxed into Gat. "I know you don't approve," Hazel said sotto voce, and Gat hummed. "But hopefully, it'll be over soon, an' we can just get back to bein' happy here."

Gat hoped he was right. He cautiously shifted so that his arm slung around Hazel's shoulder, anticipating that Hazel might shrug him off. Today, he didn't.

"You'll help me, won'cha?" Hazel settled against Gat's side, gazing out the window at the town passing them by. The wheels rattled as they crossed the train tracks. "Keep an eye on that Gojyo fella. The sooner we get what the Prof's lookin' for, the sooner we'll be done."

Gat hummed. He hoped Hazel took it as agreement. All Hazel needed to know was that he would do what he had to. He'd long since learned, on the floor of his grandfather's cabin and under the hood of the neighbors' rusty pickups and sedans, to take care of one's own business in the way one saw best fit. He wouldn't go back on that now.

End Notes: When Gojyo and Gat used the term "rez," it is short for "reservation." I do not know if Gat is canonically of Apache origin, but the patterning on his bandanna made me think of Apache art I've seen. If you have a correction for me, please let me know!