Author's Note: I forgot to list in my disclaimer that Walter is not mine. I wish he was though, so I could snuggle wif him and pet his little bald head and have him whisper sweet things in my ear like, "unscheduled off-world activation" and "chevron seven locked." :D
Eight Years Old - 2014
"When I was growing up it was hard to be happy. Kids knocked the books out my hand and make fun of my acne, give me a wedgie while they throw spitballs at me, and stuff me in my own locker and laugh at me. Oh, you think that's real funny? 'Cause I'm 5 foot with huge feet and I dress crummy and all the school bullies want to just take my lunch money. Uh… C'mon, man... I only got a dollar twenty." - KJ-52, "Revenge of the Nerds"
Zelenka just barely managed to keep John from killing poor Jay, who had fainted dead away underneath the desk. John quickly stole himself a baseball cap and tried his best to keep his hair tucked up into it. Only a few people seemed to notice and, wisely, they kept their mouths shut. That is, until the team's meeting with Weir later that evening. Elizabeth found it odd that Sheppard was wearing a hat given how touchy he was about his hair. "I know the cap looks cool," she said, opening her folder, "but we're indoors, Colonel."
Sheppard frowned, but at Elizabeth's persistent gaze, sighed and reluctantly pulled off the ball cap.
There were several muffled snickers around the table; the only one who actually laughed out loud was Rodney.
A smirk crossed Ronon's face and he joked, "You know, blond's not really your color."
"Shut up, Ronon," John growled, glaring daggers at the bigger man. If it were Rodney, he probably would have pounded him later, but this was Ronon.
"Is this part of some mid-life crisis?" Elizabeth teased, trying to hide her amusement.
John found nothing funny. "If it were, I would buy a sports car, not destroy my hair."
"Care to tell us what happened, then?" she asked.
"Felger happened," he grumbled.
There were "ah"s of understanding all around the table.
"How long is he going to be here?" Rodney inquired.
"Well," Elizabeth said, leaning forward in her chair, "he's here on a one-month trial visit, which ends next week. I need a consensus from the senior staff on whether or not we want him to stay here. So…" She turned to John and Rodney. "Do we want to keep him?"
The two men emphatically cried "No!" at the same time.
Elizabeth nodded, not terribly surprised.
"What does Radek say?" Rodney thought to ask.
"Well, when I brought up the subject last night, he said something that, once translated and censored, equated to 'I want that idiot the heck out of my lab.'"
"So, we're agreed then?" John asked anxiously.
Elizabeth sighed. "Yes, John. We'll send him home at the beginning of next week."
John nodded with a pleased smile, then he asked, "In the meantime, I request permission to make an emergency trip back to Earth to get hair dye."
Elizabeth tried her best not to smirk; blond hair would only constitute an "emergency" in John Sheppard's world. "Request denied," she answered.
John's eyebrows went up. "Why?" he whined.
"John, you know our ZPM's low; we have to conserve power. I'm sorry, but your hair will just have to wait."
John crossed his arms and made a show of sulking.
"You know," Rodney said, staring at John's light hair with fascination, "this might not be all bad…"
John shot him a sarcastic look. "Oh, please tell me how this is good."
"Well, they say that blonds have more fun," Rodney answered with a grin.
Sheppard rolled his eyes and resumed pouting. When he felt Rodney petting his hair, John slapped the man's hand away. "Don't touch it, you freak of nature!" he said, rolling his chair a few inches away from McKay's. "That was beyond disturbing. I mean, I know you have a freakish obsession with blonds…"
"Oh, am I that transparent?" Rodney asked with dripping sarcasm. "I want you, I need you. Oh, baby, oh, baby." He rolled his eyes.
John continued to look at Rodney with the same bothered expression, then quickly rolled his chair another few inches away.
Elizabeth gave McKay one of her glares. "Rodney…"
"What is going on?" Ronon asked at nearly the same time as Weir's reprimand. For once, Ronon looked nearly as confused as poor Teyla, who wasn't very good at catching sarcasm.
"Aw, come on, it's a movie!" Rodney explained. "Please don't insult my honor by thinking that I would ever shack up with Colonel Flyboy, blond or otherwise."
Elizabeth opened her mouth to try to steer the conversation back to an appropriate topic, but John spoke first. "Then why don't you protect said honor by telling us what movie?"
"Oh… I don't, umm…" Rodney looked up to Elizabeth for help and she merely shrugged; he had gotten himself into this mess. He glanced back at John, who was still looking at him expectantly. "Ten Things I Hate About You," Rodney mumbled at last.
"And you were watching that, why?" John asked with a smirk.
"Aren't you the one who insulted the entire genre of romantic comedy?" Elizabeth queried.
"I don't watch chick flicks," he assured them. "Ever. You know that. But there's something about Mary--" Rodney realized what he'd said when Elizabeth and John began chuckling. "Oh, come on!"
The two aliens in the room were still as confused as could be, but decided perhaps it was better not knowing. "I do believe our original intent for this meeting was to discuss our upcoming mission," Teyla reminded everyone after a moment.
"Yes, it was," Elizabeth said with a nod, grateful for the prompt. "John, would you care to start?"
"Can I put the hat back on so McKay will stop staring?"
Elizabeth smiled. "Yes, John."
XXXXXX
After returning from a very boring off-world mission and finishing her post-op medical exam, Evie wandered into the rec room, looking for some company. She found Ronon teaching John and Rodney what appeared to be a Satedan version of poker. "You boys having fun?" she asked, approaching the table around which they were seated.
"Loads of fun," Rodney answered sulkily. "I already owe Ronon a million dollars and a Ferrari."
"You poor dear," Evie soothed sarcastically, then stole a peek at his cards. "Nice jacks."
"Hey!" He pulled the cards against his chest and shot her a dirty look.
"They're called 'gnomes,'" Ronon corrected.
"What else does he have?" John asked with a grin.
"Don't tell him!" Rodney begged. "I owe him a car, too!"
Evie was about to lie and say that McKay had a two, a three, and a nine(or whatever they were called in this game), but she stopped when she noticed the baseball cap John was wearing. "What's with the hat, John?" Since the only other people in the room were Ronon and Rodney, she decided to drop the "sir" routine.
"Nothing," he answered, shooting glares at the other two men that screamed "don't you say a word."
"It looks silly," Evie commented.
"Yeah, well, your face looks silly," he shot back.
Taking a step towards him, Evie noticed that the hair poking out from underneath the cap looked lighter than normal. A lot lighter. "What the heck…" She reached over and quickly snatched the hat off his head, the sight of so much blond rendering her facial expression to that of a startled goldfish. "Wh-what… What possessed you?!" she finally managed.
"I didn't do anything; it was that idiot Felger!" he cried, embarrassed all over again.
Evie nodded slowly, still staring at the tousled blond spikes in disbelief. A few seconds later, though, her shock turned into amusement. She snickered, but tried to control it for his sake. Unfortunately, she'd never been good at stifling her mirth, and finally let out an appreciative laugh.
"Oh, yes. I just knew you'd be sympathetic," John said with great annoyance.
Evie laughed some more in response and John reached for the ballcap, which Evie quickly hid behind her back. "Oh, come on, this is hilarious," she insisted.
"Not to me; now give me back the hat."
With her mischievous grin, Evie shook her head and then dodged out of his way when he made another grab for it. When he got out of his chair and started chasing her, she tossed the hat to Ronon, who was enjoying John's predicament very much.
"Over here!" the big man taunted, waving the cap in Sheppard's direction.
"Have I mentioned how much I hate all of you?" John muttered, grabbing at Ronon's raised arm. Ronon laughed as he threw it back to Evie.
"Evangeline Marie, give me back the damn hat!" he cried, again attempting to seize her and again narrowly missing. However, as his legs were longer than hers, he caught up to her as she tried to run to the far side of the room. When she felt him grab ahold of her from behind, she clutched the cap to her chest and tried to wiggle free. It wasn't as if she could hold it out of his reach like Ronon did; John had a good ten inches on her. "Give it back or else," he growled, his hands trying to pry the hat from her fingers.
Evie just giggled and continued squirming. "Or else what?" she teased.
Realizing the cozy embrace that they had gotten into, he murmured next to her ear, "This is just one of your devious plots to get me close to you, isn't it?"
Evie laughed and leaned all her weight forward, still trying to keep the hat from him. "Worked, didn't it?"
The sound of a man clearing his throat menacingly startled them both, as well as Rodney and Ronon, who were watching the struggle with amused smirks. The four of them turned to see Colonel Caldwell standing in the entrance to the large room. "Colonel, Captain," he said sternly, with a disapproving glare to match his tone.
John quickly let go of Evie and she fell forward onto the floor with a soft grunt.
"What was that about?" Caldwell asked.
"She took my hat, sir," John said, reaching a hand down to pull Evie to her feet.
Caldwell sighed and gave Evie a critical stare. "Captain, give him back his hat before we all go blind."
John frowned and bit his tongue before he sneered, "That's pretty rich coming from a bald man."
Evie reluctantly handed the hat to John and he quickly put it back on. In an attempt to soothe Caldwell and hopefully make him forget what he had just seen, she suggested, "Why don't you play cards with Rodney, Colonel? With any luck, you'll win a Porsche."
XXXXXX
"I'm on your team, right?" Jay asked nervously.
John grinned. "Sorry, Felger. This is a free-for-all," he informed Jay as he poured the red paintballs into the hopper of the scientist's gun. "The winner is the last man standing."
Jay's eyes widened. "Ho-how do I know that you're not all gonna gang up on me 'cause I'm the new guy?"
John closed the lid of the hopper. "You don't," he answered with a smirk, placing the gun in the worried scientist's arms.
Jay gulped and nodded.
"Have you ever fired one of these before?" John asked, picking up his own gun.
"No," Jay answered, "but isn't it just point and shoot?"
John nodded. "See, you'll be fine," he assured. Now why don't you shoot at that tree over there and get a feel for the gun?"
Jay turned the weapon awkwardly and aimed at the trunk of the tree seven feet away. When he pulled the trigger, nothing happened. Jay brought the weapon back in front of him and looked at it critically.
"Try shaking it," John said, stepping forward to assist. "Sometimes the paintballs get jamm--"
Pow!
John cried out as the paintball slammed into his chest at a speed of three hundred feet per second. "Damn, Felger!" he cursed. "I said shake it, not shoot it!"
Jay quickly put the weapon down. "I'm so sorry!" he apologized profusely. "It was an accident! I'm so sorry!" He attempted to get a look at the wound and John yelped.
"Don't touch it!" he cried, holding his shirt away from his skin and noting that the fabric had a little bit of blood on it.
"I'm really sorry!"
"Just get your gear and find a hiding place," he ground out.
Jay nodded and picked up the gun, grabbing a mask as well. "Anything else?" he asked.
"Yeah," John growled. "You better hope to God that I don't find you out there."
XXXXXX
"We need a medic!" Felger cried as he limped out of the jumper bay. "I've been injured!"
"Oh, shut up, Felger," John said, rolling his eyes as he and the other players exited the bay as well.
"I don't want to talk to you anymore," Jay said, shooting the pilot an evil glare.
"Aww." John pretended to look hurt then retorted with a smirk, "Break my heart some other way." He turned to put his paintball gear away and left Jay to hobble to the infirmary all by himself.
"Carson," Jay groaned when he finally found the doctor, "I need medical attention!"
"Good lord," Carson gasped when he saw all the red paint on the scientist. "What on earth happened to you?" He quickly got Jay onto an examination table and ordered the man to remove his shirt.
"I was wounded in the line of duty!" Felger proclaimed proudly as he took off his shirt.
Carson looked at the man's chest curiously when he saw only several (albeit severe-looking) purple welts. "I thought you said you were shot?" he asked quizzically.
"I was!"
"Well, there was blood on your shirt, but no bullet wounds on your body."
"Umm… It wasn't all my blood?" Jay tried hopefully.
Carson frowned and examined the "blood" on Jay's garment. "Dr. Felger," he sighed. "This is paint. Red paint. Just what are you trying to do, coming in and worrying me like that?"
"But I am wounded!" he insisted, pointing to the hole in his pants. There was red paint around the injured area of his thigh just below his hip, as well as a darker red substance.
"Now that does look like blood," Carson said as he took a closer look.
"I told you!"
"Son, playing paintball hardly constitutes 'duty,'" Carson said with a sigh. "Now, off with your pants."
Jay blushed and complied.
"Good grief." The paintball had taken off a quarter-sized chunk of skin and left the injury ringed with a nice shade of purple. "How did you get shot so badly?"
"Colonel Sheppard did it!" Jay accused bitterly.
Carson tried his best not to chuckle, but didn't quite succeed.
"How is that funny?" Jay asked, deeply insulted. "I looked up to him! He's practically a hero to me! I've never done anything to him--" Jay missed Carson's eye-roll at this statement, "--and then he goes and does this!"
When Jay looked back up at him, Carson nodded and feigned a deeply sympathetic expression. "Aye, that Colonel Sheppard is a baddun, alright."
"And just what did he do this time?"
Carson turned around in the direction of the female voice. He saw Elizabeth holding her little boy. "Ah, Elizabeth! I nearly forgot you were bringing Lukas by today."
Elizabeth smiled and nodded. Then she noticed Jay. "Is there something wrong with Dr. Felger?" she asked worriedly.
"I've been wounded," Jay announced mournfully.
"Jay, you were shot with a paintball," Carson said, attempting to hide his irritation. "Now, can I hand you over to one of our very capable nurses to get you fixed up?"
"You're not going to take care of me yourself, Doctor?" Jay asked with puppy-dog eyes.
"Oh, bloody he-eck…" Carson changed his words mid-curse when he saw Lukas staring at him curiously through his thick-lensed toddler glasses. "Elizabeth, why don't you sit down by that examination table over there," he said, pointing. "I'll be with you both in a few minutes."
Elizabeth hid her amusement and nodded. "Of course, Carson."
Five minutes later, Carson walked over to where Elizabeth was waiting with Lukas in her lap. "Hi, Doctah Beckett!" Lukas greeted with all his two-year-old exuberance. He was always very formal with adults, a behavior he had picked up from his parents.
"How are you today, Lukas?" Carson asked, smiling at the toddler.
"I good!"
Carson nodded then asked Elizabeth, "How has he been doing?"
"Better," Elizabeth answered. "We've been having him sit up more, like you recommended."
"Good, good."
"And the other day when he was playing on the floor he sat up, unsupported, for a few minutes," she said proudly.
"Lukas, that's great!" Carson said with a broad smile. "High five?" He held his hand up and Lukas slapped it. "Good job."
Lukas Weir-Zelenka was an adorable little boy who took after both his mother and his father. The glasses resting on his slightly pointed nose, however, made him look more like Zelenka. He had his father's light blue eyes and his mother's smile. The boy's short, straight hair was darker than Radek's, but lighter than Elizabeth's. He loved to laugh and he loved to be held. Unfortunately, Lukas wasn't like the rest of the children in Atlantis. When he had reached his first birthday and still couldn't sit up and could barely hold his head up, Elizabeth and Radek had consulted Carson, who had sent them to an Earth specialist. He had been diagnosed with Type 2 Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a genetically-caused disease that results in severe muscle weakness.
For treatment, Carson was giving him a shot a week of a fairly new drug that helped to make sure Lukas didn't have any trouble breathing. Other than that, there wasn't too much that could be done for him. The specialists on Earth said that as he got older, he'd be able to sit up by himself much more often, though he'd never be able to walk. Navigating a wheelchair in Atlantis would be difficult with all the stairs, but Elizabeth and Radek had decided that they would get him one when he was old enough and strong enough to operate it. For now, Lukas enjoyed being held all the time and getting carried everywhere.
"Ya gonna hear my heart wif your stefscope?" Lukas asked with a smile. He always loved it when Carson would let him listen to his own heartbeat.
Carson nodded, amused that Lukas could remember what the instrument was called. A blessing about SMA was that it was only a physical affliction; Lukas's mind was as sharp as could be, especially considering who his parents were.
After listening to Lukas's heart and breathing, Carson let the boy listen while he went to get Lukas's medicine. He returned a moment later with the injection, a band-aid, an alcohol swab, and a small lollipop. The toddler's eyes lit up when he saw the candy.
"For me?" he asked, hopeful.
"Aye," Carson said with a smile. "If you're a good boy and let me give you your shot."
Keeping his eyes on the reward, Lukas nodded and said, "Otay."
Carson cleansed the skin on the boy's arm and then injected Lukas with the utmost gentleness. Lukas winced but didn't cry out; he was getting used to the pricks by now. When he was done, Carson disposed of the syringe and handed the lollipop to Lukas.
Unwrapping it eagerly, Lukas looked up at Carson and said, "Děkuji, Doctah Beckett!"
Carson looked to Elizabeth for a translation.
"'Thank you,'" she told him with a smile.
"Ah. Well, you're very welcome," Carson replied.
Lukas smiled and stuck the candy in his mouth.
XXXXXX
"I hope you enjoyed your stay with us, Dr. Felger," Elizabeth said, clasping the scientist's hands in the control room as he prepared to leave. "Perhaps you can come back sometime."
"Oh, could I?" Jay asked happily.
Elizabeth regretted giving the invitation, but answered politely, "We'll see. Know that your contributions and presence will be missed."
"I'll miss you, too," he said. He started to give her a hug, but Elizabeth quickly put her hands up to stop him before realizing that she was being rude. Noting his upset expression, she looked for something or someone to diffuse the awkward situation.
"Elizabeth!" Rodney called, striding quickly to where she stood.
Silently blessing McKay for his timing, she gave Jay a parting nod and then turned to her favorite astrophysicist. "Yes, Rodney?"
A slightly worried look on his face, Rodney took her hand and led her away from the balcony, to where she could no longer see the Gate. When Elizabeth didn't hear the chevrons locking behind her, she called over her shoulder to Chuck, "Dial Earth." Then she turned back to Rodney, who was still standing there looking sheepish. She gave him a prompting look.
"Umm, so guess what the twins did yesterday?" he asked and then went on before Elizabeth even had a chance to open her mouth. "They painted Aiden's toenails blue. Hehe. Boy, was Sheppard mad. Where's Lukas? He's such a cutie. Ooh! Have you seen the power levels? They're holding steady and the ZedPM…"
Elizabeth couldn't make head or tails of what was wrong with Rodney as he continued to rant quickly and nervously, shifting his weight like a teenage girl who needed to pee.
John, on the other hand, knew exactly why Rodney was so anxious. Sneaking stealthily into the Control Room, he pressed a twenty dollar bill into Chuck's hand and whispered, "I was never here."
Chuck nodded slowly and watched as John made his way down the stairs as silently and quickly as he could, darting through the Gate only a few seconds before it closed.
XXXXXX
After two hours of trying to reach Sheppard over his radio, Elizabeth sent one of the SF's to see if perhaps he was off-radio in his quarters. When the young Lieutenant said that Colonel Sheppard was not there, Elizabeth sought out Rodney, who would surely know where John was. When she found him, he was working with Radek on something very delicate and technical-looking. "Rodney?" she said gently when neither man seemed to notice her presence.
McKay made a grunt that sounded like a "Huh?" but he didn't glance up.
"Have you seen Colonel Sheppard?" she asked, not fazed by his usual work-first, people-second attitude.
The tool in Rodney's hand slipped a little and he answered quickly, "I don't know where he is and neither does Chuck."
Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow suspiciously and then said, "Thank you, Rodney. That's all I needed to know."
Rodney winced as she left; they were busted. In his defense, Rodney had told Sheppard that he was a terrible liar…
"Good afternoon, Chuck," Elizabeth greeted a little too sweetly.
"Afternoon, ma'am," the tech replied with a nervous smile.
"You wouldn't happen to know where Colonel Sheppard is, would you?" she asked with an air of easy indifference.
"He was never here, ma'am," Chuck deadpanned.
Elizabeth sighed and tried not to smile at the effort John had gone to in order to cover his tracks. "You can keep whatever it is he's bribing you with if you'll just tell me where he is," she baited.
Truly caring more about lying to Elizabeth than about keeping the money, Chuck began, "He wen--" but was cut off by the Gate's chevrons beginning to light up. "Off-world activation," he said, rolling back over to check to the laptop for an IDC. After a few seconds, he announced, "It's Earth, ma'am."
Elizabeth's eyebrows went up in confusion and she hoped that nothing was wrong back at good old Stargate Command. She ordered Chuck to open the video channel and saw Walter sitting in the dull gray space that was the Control Room of the SGC. "Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, requesting that you lower the shield for an incoming traveler."
Elizabeth nodded to Chuck, who pressed the button to lower the Gate shield. "And just who is it we're receiving?" she asked.
There was a pause and then the familiar voice of her missing military commander. "Promise you won't shoot me?"
Elizabeth stared at the screen, perplexed. "John?"
"Hi," he answered sheepishly as he stepped into view of the camera.
"How did you get over there?"
"I kind of…gated back with Felger…"
Elizabeth pursed her lips and decided against chewing him out from across the galaxy; there'd be plenty of time for that when he was back where he belonged. "I think we need to have a talk," she finally replied.
"Yes, ma'am," he answered. "Looking forward to it."
Elizabeth watched him step out of view and she descended the fancy steps to meet him when he walked through the Gate half a minute later. She was about to ask what was so damn important that he felt the need to sneak back to Earth without permission, when the answer dawned on her. She reached a hand up and removed the silly-looking baseball cap from his head, not terribly surprised to see John's unruly hair looking darker and just about natural. "Shopping trip?" she asked with a disapproving look.
"Yeah…"
"Yeah. Long talk."
"Yes, ma'am."