25: The Order
Lily's head was resting in James' lap as he ran his fingers through her hair.
"Are you okay?" he asked her.
She sighed. "Yes, I'm fine." She didn't sound fine, but James just let her think, as she was very keen on doing.
"I'm scared, James," she said, very quietly so he almost didn't hear.
"Of what?"
"The war. The Order. Everything."
"Is that why you've been so hesitant about joining?"
"Obviously," she said, wiping her eyes. James could feel the moisture of her tears on his legs.
"Do you want to move to Australia? Because we can. Sirius can come too and be with Mary, and we'll all learn how to surf and get tans–"
She laughed weakly and sat up. "Merlin, I would do horribly in Australia. Look at my skin."
"Where, then? I'll move anywhere. Just tell me and we'll go."
She looked skeptical. "You'd leave all your friends, your duty to help the Order–"
"It's not a duty–"
She laughed. "You're a prince, James, you know that?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't deserve to be your soul-partner. You're a much better person than I am."
"That's not true–"
"It is! I'm terrified of the future and I don't know what I'm going to do about it!" she exclaimed.
"Being scared doesn't make you a bad person."
"I know that. But it's more than that. You're so confident and fearless in what you're doing, it makes me feel selfish for wanting you not to join!" she admitted.
James looked at her and finally saw the paralyzing fear that had been hiding behind her eyes. "You think I'm fearless?"
She rolled her eyes. "You are! You joined up with Dumbledore as soon as he mentioned the Order and it's like nothing ever fazes you–"
"Lily, stop. I'm not fearless. That day, in Cokeworth, do you know why I put my wand away?"
She glared at him. "Because you're an idiot."
"Because I was scared—terrified—that you would be forced to do something that would hurt you, and everything else going on around me was not even important anymore except for making sure you came back to your senses. And in Hogsmeade? When you were under the Cruciatus?"
Her face went white.
"I was so terrified you were going to be killed, I nearly dropped my wand again just to run in front of you. Mercifully, I realized having my wand would actually help more than just shielding you with my body. So, to say I'm fearless is totally wrong. I'm constantly terrified. But that doesn't mean I can't also be confident in what I'm doing. I'm joining the Order because I know that if something ever happened to you, I'd hate myself forever for not doing everything I could to prevent that."
"Merlin," she said, tears in her eyes. "You're a bloody idiot."
"A bloody idiot who loves you."
"Fucking hell, James," she said covering her face with her hands. "You're so fucking romantic, I can't even handle it sometimes."
James laughed and took her hands away from her face. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it's who I am."
She let out a strangled breath.
"If you want to move to Australia, or Antarctica, I'm okay with that too. Whatever you want, Lily, I'll do it." James said, being fucking romantic, and all.
"Promise me we'll be okay if we stay here."
"You know I can't. But I know we'll be together, and that's as much as I can promise. And that I'm going to fight so that our children won't have to grow up feeling scared, like we are. I will do everything in my power. And that means fighting beside Dumbledore and not joining the Aurors or becoming a Healer or selling brooms. Do you understand?"
She nodded, crying freely. James wiped her face. "It's okay to be scared, Lily. But you're a Gryffindor. Sometimes that means doing something stupid even though you're scared."
She laughed putting her hands on top of his. "I don't think that's how the Sorting Hat put it," she said.
"No, definitely not," he grinned. "This is the James Potter interpretation."
She laughed. "I don't want to move to Australia."
"Thank Merlin, me neither. Antarctica, then?"
"Let's stay here."
"You don't have to join the Order if you really don't want to. I won't either, if you are against that, as well."
"Don't be stupid, James. Of course I'm joining the Order. Someone's got to make sure you don't do something stupid even though you know it's stupid."
"That's not what I said," he said.
"I know, arse, this is the Lily Evans interpretation."
"Lily Potter," he corrected, grinning.
"Same thing."
He kissed her and he felt her relax under his touch.
"So, we're staying?"
"Yes," she said, curling herself in his arms.
"And you're not going to join the Aurors or some lame Potions job?"
"No," she sighed, making a face at his 'lame Potions' remark. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore during the first meeting."
"And you'll tell me if it's too much and you want to move to Antarctica, right?"
She turned to look at him. "Why Antarctica?" she asked.
"'Cause I would go to the ends of the world for you, Evans," he said, grinning.
She groaned and laughed. "Fucking romantic."
"But you'll tell me, right? We'll leave as soon as you say go."
"I don't need a white knight," she said, smiling despite her narrowed eyes at him.
"Too bad, Lily Evans, because you married a fucking romantic bastard who's going to be your fucking white knight whether you need it or not."
She smiled and flicked his cheek. "Ow."
"I love you, you bloody idiot."
"I love you more, Lily Evans."
"Lily Potter."
He grinned. "Was this ever about the money, then? Getting a job and all that nonsense?"
She rolled her eyes. "At first it was. Then when Mary announced she was leaving, I got scared. But initially, yes, it was about the money. I didn't want people thinking I was only marrying you because of the Potter fortune."
"Although it is a big help."
She smiled and moved the hair from his forehead. He took her hand and kissed it. "I'd marry you again even if you were dirt poor, diseased on the street, wandless, and ugly."
"So fucking romantic, Evans," he said, laughing.
"We're of a pair, remember?"
"You'd marry me even if I was ugly, huh? Guess I can stop trying now."
She smiled. "I thought you were going to be young and fit forever, Potter."
"Can't guarantee it," he said, wrapping her in his arms. "Would you still kiss me if I were ugly?"
"'Course. You'd still have a beautiful soul, wouldn't you?" James laughed and nodded. "And we'd still need to make babies, wouldn't we?" she grinned.
James laughed. "Should we start now?"
"I don't want a baby now!" she said, alarmed.
"Neither do I!" he said, shaking his head. "But that hasn't stopped us from practicing before, has it?"
She resisted the urge to smile and stood from the couch, moving to the stairs as he watched her. "Are you coming, or what?" she asked.
James jumped up from the couch and chased her up the stairs.
.
Lily, James and Sirius arrived at the specified location on time, a relatively small house in a Muggle neighborhood.
When they entered, they were greeted by the Prewett brothers. "Welcome to my home," Fabian said, showing them around. "Everyone's in the dining room. There are drinks in the kitchen. Help yourselves."
James found Remus and Peter eating cookies on the couch. He greeted them and took the empty space beside them. Lily sat on the armrest and he put his hand on the small of her back.
"Welcome, new members of the Order," Dumbledore said, looking at them with a small smile. James saw the twinkle in his eyes.
Alice and Frank waved at them from their corner, just back from their honeymoon in France. James saw his father's old friend, Caradoc Dearborn, who he nodded to, and a couple other Aurors he recognized from the Hogsmeade attack.
"Training with Alastor will begin for new members shortly, but first, some updates. Death Eater attacks are growing more frequent and the death toll is rising. It's imperative that any Order member who encounters a Death Eater attack alerts an Auror member of the Order immediately. Everyone is required to learn the Patronus form of communication, so that other Order members will be able to locate the distress and determine who it was that sent it."
Lily looked at James with a small smile. Half of that task was already done.
"The Ministry is becoming more and more corrupt and it is difficult to tell who is under the Imperius or not. Every precaution must be taken. As you are all members of the Order, you are all particular targets that Voldemort will be especially keen on acquiring information from. For this reason, it is essential to confirm the identity of your loved ones by asking questions that only they would know the answer to."
Dumbledore paused and looked at each one of them. "I am not saying to be suspicious of those around you, because trust and love are two things that Voldemort will never have. We must trust one another of we ever hope to stop him. However, we must not let this trust stop us from identifying spies amongst us."
"Constant vigilance!" Moody said, startling James. Sirius grinned at him and had a look on his face that said, "Brilliant, isn't he?" James nodded back.
"Yes, thank you, Alastor," Dumbledore said, looking mildly amused. "Well, that is all, I believe. You have your assignments. Alastor, if you please," he said, motioning to James and the others.
The rest of the Order went off to their respective tasks and Dumbledore disappeared into another room.
"All right!" Moody barked, making James jump again. "This is how it's going to work. You hesitate, you die." Sirius was nearly beside himself with excitement. James wanted to roll his eyes, but he thought the terrifying Auror legend would notice.
"Dumbledore has asked me to train you so you are not killed on your first day on the job. To me, that means you are going to get the training an Auror would receive in the Academy. You two," he said, pointing at Alice and Frank, "are still required to complete this training, and it will be more difficult for you since you need to remember to keep the two separate. What you can do as an Order member is different from what you do as an Auror, and if you can't compartmentalize, you die," he said gruffly. The Longbottoms nodded, taking what he said to heart.
"And remember–"
"Constant vigilance!" Sirius completed.
Moody glared. "That's my line, boy."
Sirius looked apologetic, but James knew he was far from that. He was having too much fun.
"Constant vigilance," he said, so sternly, it felt as if the air had left the room.
They began training immediately, with Moody teaching them defensive spells, which were pretty rudimentary at first. James and Sirius promptly goofed off until Moody shot hexes at them and they were immediately debilitated.
Lily smiled smugly at him while helping him up to his feet.
"Try taking this seriously for once, Potter?" she said.
"I take everything seriously," he said with a grin.
"Yeah, and I am the Queen of England."
"You're the Queen of my England," he said with a suggestive smile.
She shook her head with a small tilt of her lips and poked his forehead. "Stop goofing around, arse," she said seriously, her eyes betraying the fear that was driving her reaction.
He did better the next time.
.
"Remus," Lily said, taking a seat next to the haggard looking Marauder at the October meeting of the Order. She and James had just returned from the task of staking out homes of prominent Muggleborn leaders who were in potential danger from Death Eaters. She hadn't seen Remus in a long while.
"Lily. You look wonderful. How are you doing?" he asked, with a kind smile that unsuccessfully hid the uncertainty behind his eyes.
"I'm fine. How is the job search going? James told me you were having trouble," she said, sympathetically. It was bad enough without being a werewolf in a world that was scared of the unknown.
He sighed, and covered it with another smile. "Difficult, but I'm sure things will look up."
"What about Marlene? How are things going with her?"
He shrugged, his shoulders slumping as he exhaled. "I haven't spoken to her in a while, actually," he admitted. "You know, she's at Hogwarts, we're on missions, it can be a bit tough."
"You should come eat dinner with James and I after this," she offered. "I think Sirius and Peter may be joining us as well. And if they aren't yet, I know James is going to invite them anyway," she said with a slight eye roll.
He shook his head. "I've made other plans," he said.
"What plans, Moony?" Sirius asked, joining their conversation. He gave Lily a half-hug with one arm. "We haven't seen you in ages."
"Oh, you know," Remus said, sighing. "Interviews, meetings. I was always a social butterfly, as they say," he said with a self-deprecating smile.
Sirius snorted. "We all know you spend more time with animals than real people," he said. Remus gave a half-smile, hiding his flinch. Lily discreetly glowered at Sirius, which he ignored.
"Remus, just come for a bit. Eat one bite of food, and I promise we won't even stop you from staying a minute longer if you do," Lily said. "Please, if I have to sit through another dinner of rowdy boys and their nostalgia about Hogwarts, I will drown myself," she said.
He smiled and chuckled, and that was something. "I'll come for five minutes, but that's it," he said.
"That's all I ask," she replied, patting his shoulder.
"Remus!" James greeted, giving his old friend a large huge. "You look rough."
"Thanks," he replied.
"Is it because of your furry problem? You know, if we don't have anything to do on the next occasion, we can always come over to help out—"
"I wouldn't want to burden you guys—"
"How many times do I have to tell you? It isn't a burden," James said, clapping him on the shoulder.
Lily smiled to herself, feeling full with love at being married to this gloriously, beautiful man. And it was because of his inherently wonderful nature that she knew he wouldn't object when she proposed to financially support Remus. The only trouble was convincing Remus that it really was not a burden. She had seen the insides of the vast Potter vault, and she wanted to tell him that they could support a million Remus Lupin's, if that would not be considered as being arrogant and rude.
She breached the idea to James before they all left for their house in Godric's Hollow. James smiled at her warmly, the look in his eyes making her feel tingly all the way down to her toes.
"You're beautiful, Evans," he said, kissing her.
"I've been up for twelve hours—"
"Yes, and you're still beautiful. Inside and out. Convincing Remus to take the money will be a chore, but I'm not going to let him say no. You may need to help me," he said.
She shook her head. "I think it might embarrass him if he knew it was my idea. Just, you know, take out a bit of gold for him, maybe give him his own vault? And just tell him that if times get really rough, he can use it as an emergency fund. That way, it'll be his choice and he won't feel uncomfortable."
James looked at her in surprise, and then surprised her by grinning widely with twinkling hazel eyes. "You're fucking amazing. And wonderful. And too good for me."
She blushed and moved the hair out of his face, which immediately disregarded her coaxing and returned to its improper spot. "And you're a good man, Potter. Better than I could have asked for."
He kissed her until Sirius began making rude noises and she pulled apart, suddenly wishing very ardently that the Marauders' weren't coming over for dinner.
James seemed to understand what she was feeling as he put his forehead to hers and dropped a small kiss on her lips, full of promise. "Later," he said, pulling his head back, his eyes deep and dark.
She nodded and took short, shallow breaths. Her husband was…fucking sexy. There was no other way to describe him. And Lily normally didn't use language like that to express her feelings, but it was true. She was married to a beautiful, ridiculously sexy man.
.
December 1978
Lily was dead on her feet. Her and Sirius were ambling around, supposed to be waiting for the arrival of one of the Prewett brothers to show them the next house, but he hadn't arrived. James was supposed to be with them—
"Do you think—"
"Don't finish that sentence," Sirius said darkly. He was in a terrible mood. Not to mention that the snow was beginning to fall and Lily was freezing. This was possibly the worse December she had ever had. And Sirius in a bad mood was worse than getting coal for Christmas.
"How much longer are we going to wait?"
"As long as it takes," he answered, even though she didn't believe he truly meant it. She wanted to ask him to take out his mirror so she could talk to James, but he made her promise they wouldn't contact each other through means other than face-to-face. It was too risky now, and everything could be faked.
"Lil," he said.
"Mh?" she said, coming out of her own mind, the most dangerous place. She needed to distract herself from thoughts of James.
"Be careful with Remus."
"What?" she blurted.
He stared darkly at the ground, kicking up snow with his boot. "I don't think he's completely trustworthy and I don't think it's good for you to be spending so much time with him."
She laughed, hardly believing her ears. He had to be joking, clearly. He glared at her, but she didn't stop. "You think Remus is the spy?"
"It makes sense," he said.
"How?"
"Look, I know you're a Muggleborn, so you don't have all the same cultures growing up. But wizards have been wary of werewolves since their discovery. There's a reason for this, a well founded one. Remus is a kind soul, but there's no denying that part of him is a vicious animal—"
"Stop," she said, shaking her head when she realized he was being completely serious. "I don't want to hear this."
He stared determinedly at her. "Just hear me out. There are many things that I regret, and one of those things is doing some of the cruel-hearted things I used to do back in Hogwarts. And I know that you have this soft spot for Lupin, because he was kind and never participated, and blah blah blah, but the harsh reality is that Remus allowed it. Despite his strong moral compass that you so vehemently defend, he wasn't perfect. If anything, he wanted acceptance over anything, and isn't that the definition of a spy? Overlooks compromising stances and craves acceptance from as many people as they can get? Where else can he get acceptance, something he's never had as a werewolf, but with his own kind? Wolves are pack animals, Evans. And his pack is now working for You-Know-Who. He could be accepted by his pack and by us by sharing information."
Lily frowned, refusing to let his speech cloud her judgment. "What does James think of this?" By the way he and Remus were conversing last night, she could hardly believe her husband believed the same things about Lupin as Sirius. She stopped herself from thinking about James' laugh.
"I didn't tell him," Sirius admitted, looking shame-faced. Good, he should feel ashamed.
"Because you knew he would say you were being stupid," she said.
He groaned. "James is too trusting for his own good. He'd rather believe that Snape has turned good than distrust one of his own friends. And it's going to get him bloody killed."
She sighed, dispelling the unpleasant imagery and convincing herself that wasn't what was keeping him now. She'd know if James was dead, she told herself. "You're just being paranoid," she said. "This entire year has just been terrible. The season calls for joy, but we're stuck in this cold weather for hours, waiting on a call that could possibly never come—"
"Don't say that," he said fiercely. "They just got held up."
She nodded and they fell silent.
"Don't tell James about what I said about Remus. He'll tie his knickers in a bunch and not talk to me for days for even thinking it."
She reluctantly agreed. If anyone could talk some sense into Sirius, it was James, but she knew her husband would be very angry at Sirius for even thinking such a thing. "Since when did we become such good friends?" she asked him, with a small tilt of her lips.
He sighed, even offering up a rare smile. "Don't know, Evans. If you told me we'd be friends this time last year, I would have spit in your face."
She grimaced. "That's not an image I needed, thanks."
He chuckled and kicked up more snow. "Have you heard from Mary recently?"
Lily shook her head. "Not since November. I think she's scared to write because she's worried she won't get anything back. But the last time I heard from her, she said she was tanning on a beach somewhere and making friends. Got a job at a bakery, I think."
Sirius nodded, averting his eyes. "That's good."
"She's not seeing anyone," Lily added in, knowing that was what he really wanted to hear.
He made a nonchalant face, but she could see past it. "Oh, hm, that's too bad."
"Do you ever consider just moving to Australia and leaving this shit behind?" she asked him.
He laughed darkly, staring up at the black sky. "It's looking mighty good right about now—"
There was a crack and Sirius and Lily drew their wands, poised for attack.
Fabian Prewett, blood seeping from his forehead, appeared, looking frazzled, his wand pointed at Sirius' chest.
"Last thing you said to me in Hogsmeade," Sirius said immediately.
"Welcome to the real world," Fabian answered. "What's your Patronus, Lily?"
"Doe, which matches my husband's stag."
The three of them lowered their wands, breathing heavily.
"What happened?" Sirius asked. Lily quickly cleaned up Fabian's cut, which he thanked her for, sitting on the snow-covered bench with an exhausted slump.
"Giants."
"What?" Lily said. She'd never seen a real Giant in all her life, but she had heard their attacks were getting more frequent. "James—"
"—Is fine. Scratched up and shaken, but completely alive," he finished.
She let out a sigh of relief, her entire body sagging at the wonderful news that her husband was alive. Sirius patted her back and she struggled to keep standing up straight. Lily was exhausted.
"Sorry, there's an emergency meeting at Headquarters right now. I should have said so sooner, but I just needed to sit down a minute…"
"Take your time," Sirius said. "They'll wait for us."
Fabian nodded, exhaling shakily and closing his eyes. "All other plans have been postponed in light of the Giants," he said. "Dumbledore's beside himself. He knew this would happen, but he was ignored, as usual. The village was nearly destroyed," he said, shivering.
When Fabian finally recovered, they Disapparated together to the Prewetts' where James was waiting outside. Sirius and Fabian gave them their privacy. She almost jumped at him, but he caught her quickly and she sighed in relief when she felt him around her.
"Oh, fuck, you're freezing," he said, wrapping her in his arms, her cheek pressing against his cheek. She was trembling, but it wasn't because she was cold.
"Fuck the cold, are you okay?" she asked him, holding his face in her mitten-covered hands. But that wasn't close enough, so she threw her mittens on the ground and put her cold hands on his face, touching as much of him as she could, making sure he really was in one piece.
"I'm okay," he said, nodding, even smiling out of relief. Her eyes welled up with tears involuntarily and she blinked them away, wrapping her arms around his neck again and squeezing as tightly as she could as he picked her up by the waist.
She could feel his short breaths on her neck and she couldn't express how grateful she was that he was still breathing. Lily knew it was her James, but if she didn't ask, someone would tear her eyes out for it.
"The gift your parents gave me for Christmas last year?" she asked quietly.
"Phoenix feather quill," he responded. "Where we got coffee on our first date?" he asked, smiling. He asked it like he was remembering pleasant memories instead of verifying her identity. Sirius was right. He was too damn trusting for his own good.
"Tomes and Scrolls," she answered. "We should go inside," she said, wishing they could just disappear to their cottage and never leave it again.
He nodded against her neck and held her hand as they walked in.
The tension in the room was palpable. Dumbledore looked grave, and it was all Lily could do to keep from crying out, just to get all of this strain out of her body.
"We have suffered a great loss today," Dumbledore said gravely. He didn't say anything for a long while after that and people bowed their heads. Remus walked into the room quietly, and Lily smiled at him. He grimaced in return.
"There were some losses, some I'm sure you will hear about tomorrow," he continued. "Miraculously, none of the Order were killed, but we have loss much more than just human lives today. The involvement of the Giants in this wizard's war will no doubt mean grave casualties on both ends, but no more than the ones the Giants will suffer. I have no doubt that the Ministry will try to respond with force, which will undoubtedly mean the death of countless Giants."
Lily felt the dread engulf her. She knew the Giants weren't a particularly kind species, but the death of thousands of them was a great loss indeed.
"What can we do?" Fabian asked. "If we can't kill them, what can we do?"
Dumbledore turned his eyes to the ground, which was a rare thing for Dumbledore. "In the face of death, there is not much one can do but strive for survival. I would not think any less of any of you if you chose your own lives over a Giant's, however, if there is a chance to preserve their species from extinction, I will take that opportunity. I only hope the Giants give up their fight before that becomes a reality. All I can advise is to stay alive, and remain vigilant. If any of you do not want a part in this anymore and wish to go into hiding, I will understand, and again, I will not think less of you for doing so."
No one in the room moved.
Dumbledore gave a small smile. "There will be time for recuperation, but not much, I'm afraid. We cannot take a day off simply because we wish it. We will resume in the morning," he said, disappearing, probably back to Hogwarts.
Lily gave Alice and Frank hugs, who had both been present with James earlier that evening. Both had also escaped unscathed. She told them they would catch up soon, but right now, all she wanted was to go home.
When they were in their cottage, James didn't say a word, but instead brought her directly upstairs. She understood his need to be close to her; she felt it too, and she lost herself for those few moments.
"Let's move to Australia," he said, his fingers tracing her jaw as they lay in bed face-to-face.
"I thought we agreed Antarctica would be our dream destination," she said, feeling safe for the first time since…well, since her honeymoon.
"Whatever. Whichever. Anywhere, I don't care, as long as you're there," he said.
She examined his face, a bit speechless at how much she loved him. But she saw something in his eyes she hadn't seen before and it was a bit unnerving.
"James?" she asked, moving closer to him. He wrapped his arm around her waist. "Why do you want to move all of a sudden? I thought we said we would stay and make it a better place to live."
"I know," he said, nodding. But there it was again, that little flicker inside his eyes. Was it fear?
"Tell me what's bothering you."
He closed his eyes, blocking her from seeing the flicker. But she knew it was fear now, she was convinced of it.
"James," she said, putting her hand on his face when he didn't answer.
"I almost ran," he admitted, quietly. She'd never heard him sound so broken, so lost.
"The Giants?"
He nodded, keeping his eyes closed. "When I saw them, I almost Disapparated on the spot. If it weren't for Fabian screaming at me to get back, I would have. I would have come straight to you and Sirius, and then right to Australia, or Antarctica, or whatever. I was so close," he said, his voice trembling.
"But you didn't," she said. "James, look at me."
He opened his eyes and now she understood. He was afraid of being a coward.
"You didn't run," she said. "And not because Fabian called you back, but because you are a stag, a Gryffindor, a brave, brave man. Even if it was only you against all the Giants in the world, protecting a neighborhood of Muggles by yourself, you know what you would have done?"
He looked torn, desperate for her to understand. "I don't know," he answered.
"No," she said, smiling. "You would have stayed, and I have no doubt about that."
"But I almost didn't—"
"Because that's the reaction all humans have!" she said, sitting up a little. "You think you're the only one who almost ran as soon as they saw the Giants? Of course you weren't! Every single one of them were thinking the exact same thing, and I can guarantee you that," she said.
"But in Cokeworth, the Death Eaters, you ran towards them. If you saw Giants, you would have run towards them too—"
She laughed, surprising him. "That day in Cokeworth when you told me to go to my mum and check she was safe, I almost did. Every cell in my body was telling me to leave, but I didn't. And neither did you. Because that's who you are, James."
"But what if I can't anymore?" he asked. "What if I don't want to?"
She shrugged. "Then we move to Antarctica."
"That easily?"
"Yes."
She watched as he considered it, knowing that he never would.
He sighed. "You're too damn smart for your own good," he said.
She smiled. "What do you mean?"
He narrowed his eyes. "How did you know I wasn't going to move us to Antarctica as soon as you agreed to it?"
She let out a frustrated groan and grabbed his face in both of her hands. "Because I know you, James Potter! You told me yourself you weren't fearless. I know that. I don't love you because you're not fearless, I love you because you will always stay and fight despite your fears! You're a bloody Gryffindor, right down to your core, and I know that's never going to change, whether you're up against Giants, or Dementors, or Voldemort himself. You will always stay and fight. It's what gives me the courage to stand with you, you dumb prick," she said, grinning at him widely.
He smiled in return, his eyes like melting honey. "I love you."
"I love you more, stupid," she said.
He scowled. "You're not supposed to call me stupid if you love me."
"Sure I can. Your stupidity can be entirely endearing at times."
He rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me that's what you like best about me. Because that would seriously put a dampen on our marriage."
She laughed and kissed him. "Amongst other things," she said, throwing the covers over them and giving in to one of the things—but not the most important thing—that she loved best about James.
.
The Order was having a small Christmas gathering for those who wished to join in at the Prewett's. It was mostly a casual pop-in for those without families, or those who had to do Order business on the holidays, but the Marauders and Lily took it as a chance to catch up. Fabian and Gideon's sister, Molly Weasley and her children were also here, which made for a very full, and loud gathering.
James noted that even Remus looked a considerable amount better.
Christmas presents were basically nonexistent this year since no one had enough time, or even bothered, to shop. It was a bit counterintuitive to block out time for Christmas presents in between tracking Death Eaters and protecting Muggles from Giants. Lily and James agreed that their Christmas presents to each other would be spending a night in their home, just chatting like they used to back in Hogwarts before the Order took over their lives.
"Hey, Pete," he said, sitting next to his small friend. He had been losing a bit of hair on top of his head, and he may have lost a bit of weight, but who hadn't been affected by the stress these days? All of them were looking a bit rough, with maybe the exception of Lily, who, to James, still glowed as brightly as her Patronus.
"James," Peter greeted.
"You all right? Heard about what happened in the neighborhood you and Benjy were monitoring. Both of you got out though, without major injuries, so that's good news," he said.
Peter nodded, looking miserable. "Couldn't stop it."
"No one could stop the Giants," he said, patting his friend on the shoulder. "Remus' neighborhood was attacked as well." Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. "Cheer up, it's Christmas!" he said, figuring that was better than anything else.
Pete nodded, sipping his eggnog.
One of the Weasley children ran into the room—the oldest, with long hair and a wide grin. As he ran, his younger brother ran in after him with huge smiles on both their faces.
"You want to get out of here?" Lily asked, sitting on his lap.
"Mm, yes," he said, finishing the rest of his eggnog. He watched as the Weasley brothers laughed and fought, pulling and tugging on one another until—bam.
"Boys!" Molly could be heard shouting. She came into the room, her third child, Percy, clutching her dress, with one of her newborn twins in her arms. "Bill, what did I say about being rough with your brother—" she said, evaluating the scene with her narrowed eyes. She needed more hands.
"Lily, dear, would you mind holding Fred for a moment? Or is that George—no matter, thank you, dear," she said, handing the seven-month old into Lily's arms. The previously whining baby who had been awoken by his mother's disciplining of his brothers, was now staring up at Lily with wide, blue eyes.
She held him unconfidently, but the little Fred—or George—didn't seem to notice. James looked at Lily, something strange happening inside his chest, and he couldn't help but smiling.
Fred laughed and Lily smiled, looking surprised that such a small baby could make such a noise. James watched her face as she began to coo at the happy baby, while Molly continued to chastise her two oldest boys, who had managed to knock the tree over. Sirius had quickly helped in restoring the decorations, but Molly wasn't done with them yet.
James put out his finger to Fred/George and the little bloke wrapped his tiny fingers around it, gripping tightly. Lily grinned at him, and he smiled back, a bit overcome with an emotion he couldn't quite place.
"We're sorry," the elder Weasley boys said to them, looking thoroughly chastised.
"For what?" Molly said sternly.
"We're sorry for being rowdy and disru—dis—" they looked to their mother for guidance.
"Disruptive."
"Disruptive," they finished. James grinned as Sirius laughed.
"It's completely all right," James said. "The tree looks better now anyway." But Bill and Charlie were no longer paying attention as they ran into the next room, ready to knock over the next freestanding thing large enough to make a big enough noise. Molly stared after them exasperatedly before shaking her head and turning back to Lily.
Molly sighed, smiling at Lily. "He likes you," she said, regarding James and Lily with a motherly expression. "That must be Fred. He was always a tad bit calmer."
"He's beautiful, Molly. All of them are."
She sighed again. "Thank you, dear. But a right handful. Five boys, and all of them, except Percy here," she said, looking down at the two-year old clutching her dress, "troublemakers. Even the twins, not even a year old yet, and I can tell they're going to be miscreants," she said, with a smile on her face.
"He seems perfectly agreeable to me," Lily said, her face in a wide smile as she rocked little Fred in her arms.
There was another crash from the other room. Molly groaned.
"I have him, Molly, go ahead," Lily assured her. Molly sent her a grateful look as she and Percy ran off to the next noise.
James put his chin on Lily's shoulder.
"Sorry, you don't mind staying a bit longer, do you?" she asked him. "Molly seems like she could use a bit of a break…"
"Of course," he said. Fred was beginning to fall asleep, but he still had a tight grip on James' finger. "I want one," he said quietly.
Lily turned her head to look at him. "Want one what? A Weasley?" she asked, confused. "I believe that's considered kidnapping, even though it would probably be helpful for Molly at the moment."
He smiled, moving his finger gently. Fred still held on. "Not a Weasley. A Potter."
She stared at him in shock, even forgetting to rock sleeping Fred. "You want a baby?" she whispered.
"What, don't you?" he asked her, removing his chin from her shoulder so he could get a better look at her face.
"You mean eventually, right? Like in the far, far future?" she asked, looking fearful.
"Er, well, eventually too, but also, sort of right now," he said, grinning at her.
Lily continued to stare at him as if he had declared he was going to run for Minister for Magic.
"James, you must have had too much eggnog—"
"I only had one glass," he complained.
"How could you possibly want a baby now?" she asked, whispering since Fred had finally fallen asleep, and probably because she didn't want other people overhearing their conversation.
"Why not? Look at us, managed to get him sleeping and everything. We'd be great parents, I reckon," he whispered back, anxious to prove to Lily that he could keep the baby sleeping.
She rolled her eyes. "Parenting is not just about getting babies to sleep," she said. "You have to be there for them, and wake up in the middle of the night, and change diapers, and make sure you don't permanently, psychologically damage them, and—the war!" she said, hissing the word. "How can we raise a child in the middle a war?"
"The Weasleys are raising five of them," he said.
"Yes, but neither of them are in the Order, doing dangerous jobs for Dumbledore on a daily basis!"
"We'll leave," he said. "Antarctica."
She was still looking at him incredulously. "James, you can't just decide that you want a baby and say you'll leave. You can't just move on from a baby when you have it—it's a lifelong commitment—"
"I know!" he said, frowning. "Don't you think I know that?"
"Well, you can be a tad bit impulsive sometimes—"
He looked at her in shock. "This isn't just an impulse—"
"Thanks, Lily, dear," Molly said, returning. "Oh, bless you, you've gotten him asleep," she said. "Would you mind bringing him to the crib?"
"Of course," Lily said, standing from his lap without looking at him and following Molly upstairs. Sirius was eyeing him strangely.
"Trouble?" he asked when Lily disappeared up the stairs.
James frowned. He couldn't believe she thought he wanted this based on an impulse—
"If I had kids, you'd be the godfather, right?"
Sirius' eyes popped. "Merlin, is Lily—"
"No!" James said instantly. "No, no, of course not."
"Fucking hell, Prongs," Sirius said, laughing nervously. "Scared the living shit out of me."
"But would you?"
Sirius looked anxious. "Can you see me being a godfather? I mean, I can barely take care of myself, never mind be responsible for another little blighter—"
"But you would, if I died?"
"Bloody hell, how much eggnog have you had?"
"Just the one," he said, frowning. "What's so wrong with wanting kids, anyway?"
Sirius grimaced. "Kind of a shitty time," he said. "I feel like you should be talking about this with Lily, not me."
James watched as she descended the stairs, smiling at Molly and laughing as Percy held her hand, a timid smile on the boy's face. God, he wanted it so badly now, it was all he could think about. Bloody hell.
James and Lily said goodbye to everyone and thanked the Prewetts for hosting them. Percy was having a hard time letting go of Lily's hand, but she promised to see him again soon and gave him back to Molly.
"Are we going to talk about this?" James asked her when they arrived home.
"I don't think there is much to talk about," she said, looking at him calmly. "We can't have kids now."
"Why not?"
"James!" she said, looking crazed. "Are you even hearing yourself right now? Have you taken a look outside recently? You and I both, we just finished twelve hour shifts of watching Death Eater homes for possible activity. You want to bring a baby into that world?"
"I'm telling you, we could leave it—"
"If this is about fear, or bravery, or I don't even know—"
"It's not," he said, assuring it. "I swear it's not just an excuse to leave. I really, genuinely want to."
She looked tired. "I can't right now. I'm not ready to do that," she said. "I'm not going to orphan my child before he's even old enough to remember who we are," she said.
"We're going to be fine, Lily."
She didn't look convinced, but she didn't say anything. He knew what she was thinking, but neither of them wanted to say it out loud.
James sighed, resigning. "Okay," he said, walking towards her and wrapping her in his arms. She held his waist and sighed into his shoulder. He felt her relax a little, but he could tell she was still anxious about him. "But we wouldn't be orphaning her."
"What's the rush, anyway?" she asked. "You saw the Weasleys, no peace and quiet, no privacy…are you telling me you're ready to give all that up, Potter?" she asked, smiling at him. She could tell she had won this fight for now. James wasn't giving up, he was just going to wait. "I quite enjoy our private moments."
He laughed lightly and sat down on the couch. Lily sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I enjoy them too. I just…I don't know. You saw the look on Molly's face when she was looking at her boys. I just don't want us to miss out on anything because we're doing other stuff."
"We're not going to miss out. We're still young. I'm still eighteen for another month, let me enjoy that at least," she said, smiling.
He smiled back, but it wasn't entirely sincere. He was worried about time. He had the ominous feeling that there wasn't enough of it. Ironically, that was the reason Lily didn't want to have a child, in case it ran out before they could see their kid grow up.
But if they did have one now, James would be willing to seclude himself in Antarctica with Lily and their child and never see another soul again, if it meant that it would give them more time.
But if she wasn't ready, then he couldn't do anything about that.
"You look so disappointed," she noted, smiling at him lovingly. Her fingers were brushing his forehead, his lips, his cheeks…
"I'm not," he lied. She didn't believe him. "Maybe just a little. You have to admit, Evans, our kids would be bloody good-looking."
She smiled. "When this is all over, we can fill this entire house with little black-haired, hazel-eyed Potters, and when the house is full, we'll just keep adding onto it until it's a whole mess of different parts. You won't ever have peace and quiet ever again, and I'll look at you and say, 'Are you happy now, Potter?' and you'll curse the day you ever met me."
He laughed, closing his eyes and burying his face into her neck. Merlin, he could live an eternity with Lily.
"I'd much prefer redheaded, green-eyed Potters," he said, kissing her exposed skin.
Her fingers ran along his scalp, tangling themselves in his hair. "Mm, they'd look too much like the Weasleys. As much as I love them, we want Potters, not Weasleys. And I reckon we have enough gingers around these parts, don't you think?"
He grinned and retracted his head. "Black-haired, green-eyed Potters then."
"With terrible vision," she said, smiling and fixing his glasses.
"Mm, and good at Quidditch."
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No, good at school."
He shook his head. "She won't have time—she'll be playing Quidditch and getting into detention."
Lily laughed. "She?"
"Well, there are five Weasley boys already, so I reckon there's a good chance she'll end up marrying one of them."
Lily laughed and kissed him. "You're amazing," she said, staring at him with a smile that made his heart soar.
"And we'd make amazing babies. But if you want to wait, that's fine too," he said.
She kissed him again. "Thank you."
"But that doesn't mean we're going to stop practicing, right?"
She groaned. "You are unbearable," she said, standing up from his lap and walking into the next room.
"Lily, you didn't answer the question!"
"Goodnight, Potter!"
Author's Note: So, I told you I was going to skip a lot of months. Hopefully it wasn't too confusing. We're almost at the end! Sad times, I know. But what'll make both of us feel better is if you leave a review! I always try to respond to in-depth reviews and I will answer any questions you have about the chapters. (No spoilers though!) Also, keep in mind that the website doesn't allow me to respond to guest reviews, just FYI. I don't know if I can change that, but yeah. REVIEW!
Yay, Weasleys!