Annie
One and a half weeks later…
Finnick had been acting strange for a while now, I realize. How could I have been so stupid as to ignore that!
A couple of days after our wedding, Finnick had started to act weird. He seemed happy, sure, happier than I'd ever seen him. But he seemed sad as well. I thought it was because of the fact that people were being sent off to war, now. Whenever he thought I was looking, every time he acted sad, he would smile, as if to tell me he's alright. But I didn't buy it. I also started to notice that he was becoming very clingy. I thought that obviously had to do with the fact that I was pregnant.
I now realize I could have talked to him. I could have told him he was being stupid.
Now, all I can do is sit in our room and cry.
I remember the fear. I remember waking up screaming. I remember searching for him in our bed in the dark. I remember turning on the lights and realizing he wasn't there.
I had run to Heavensbee immediately, demanding to know where Finnick had gone. Plutarch could only look sad as he answered: "He's in the Capitol."
I had run off to our room as quickly as possible, my knees giving out as soon as I closed the door.
Finnick is gone. I think.
I notice then a small piece of paper on a chair next to the door. I know it wasn't there last night. I open it eagerly, hoping there to be some sort of explanation. My eyes read through the entire letter twice, tears welling up.
Dear Wife,
I'm sorry. I'm truly, deeply sorry.
I know you didn't want me to go fight the rebellion. I know you didn't think it was worth it. You thought me dying for the war wouldn't help. This is one of the things I disagree with you in.
I think I'd rather die fighting, having you and the baby safe and free for the rest of your lives than keep living, imprisoned and sold, having him grow up thinking his father is a coward.
Don't worry, it won't come to that.
I intend to be there when he takes his first steps. I want to see him talk for the first time. And I wish to have more children.
Don't worry, my love. I'll come back.
I've never lied to you. I've always kept my promises.
And, Annie, I promise you, I will come back alive, whatever it takes.
Just then, for the first time in weeks, the cold feeling washes over me and I Leave.
"Where's Finnick?" I ask. I don't really understand why I'm worried, though.
"Relax, he just went down to the market!" Cora answers.
"Why did he leave?" I ask, not knowing why my cheeks are wet.
"Jeez, Shell! You're acting like he's off to war or something!" She jokes. Her face darkens almost instantly, though. "Annie? Why are you crying?"
I don't get the benefit of staying for long, though. Soon, there is a knock at the door. I stand up and open it, surprised to see Haymitch standing there.
"Annie, come see this." I follow him into the hallway and down to the propo room, where a large holo-tv is situated. "Coin didn't want to show you this but we insisted. You're his wife. You should know." I look up at the screen, at first not knowing what is going on. I see a face, I think Cressida's. The image changes and I see Katniss. The image changes and I see Peeta. The image changes and I see Finnick.
I don't understand why their faces are on the television. Then is hear Snow's voice.
"Katniss Everdeen has met a violent end."
But if Katniss died…
That would mean Finnick died, too.
Absolute horror takes over me. Finnick can't be dead, Finnick can't be dead, Finnick can't be-
"He's not dead! They're okay! Don't worry! They sent us a message. They all survived. Well, not all of them, but Finnick did. The words from his letter ring in my ears. Don't worry, my love. I'll come back.
The immediate relief brings tears to my eyes. I close my eyes trying not to cry. That was close. That was too close.
Against Coin's orders, I spend the rest of the week glued to the holo-tv, where Haymitch and Plutarch had decided to play the recordings. I watch as the team make their way through the Capitol traps, which no one bothered to explain to me.
First a street went up in flames, then they were shot at from a corner, then the corner exploded, killing Boggs. My heart had sunk. People are dying. Finally a big mass of what looked like oil. I turned away as Peeta pushed someone into the oil, where a trap was triggered. The man went up in a net filled with spikes that undid his flesh. I had pushed away the cold feeling threatening to take me away. I need to see Finnick.
In order to escape the oil they have to hide in a building that is later shot down by Peacekeepers. This is where they supposedly 'died'.
"Only two of them died there. The Leeg sisters. Everyone else made it out alive." Haymitch explains. "We don't have footage of that yet, and I don't think we will. Their new commander, Jackson, sent us a message. She said they were going underground."
"Underground?" I ask.
"Yeah. To the sewers. Meaning you might as well go, I hear you have places to be."
I almost slapped myself. Of course. How could I have forgotten?
I take off, not bothering to say goodbye.
I rush into the office. In it is a friendly-looking woman who smiles as I come in. Her kind smile helps ease the knot in my stomach. It's just a psychiatrist, I tell myself.
Her name is Dr. Grey. I hadn't been very enthusiastic to get help from her, or anybody, even after Plutarch had suggested it.
"You're late, Annie dear, what was keeping you?" She asks as I sit down on a comfy-looking couch. Her office has a sort of warm feeling, with a few comfortable chairs and shelves filled with colorful books and toys.
"I was watching the A-Team on the holo-tv." I answer. Dr. Grey isn't very pretty, but she certainly looks kind. Her warm brown eyes give her a motherly look.
"Please don't do that again. I don't mind that you're a little bit late, but don't be late watching that."
"Sorry, I just feel a need to know what my husband is going through." I tell her, feeling a little bad afterwards for having said it meanly, but without any feeling of shame. I have I right to know about Finnick, after all.
"Well, how about you tell me a little about yourself, Annie? Seeing as this is our first meeting. I only know your name, age, and District!"
"Well, um… As you know, my name is Annie Cresta. I'm from District 4. My family-" Even after all these years, the words hurt. "-My family is dead. My mother died when I was a little girl. I barely remember her anymore. My sister, Coral she was called, was going to get married. She drowned, along with my little brother and father. Except they didn't drown. Snow killed them because I'm mad." I close my eyes again to stop the tears.
"If I may interrupt you for a second. You're not mad, Annie. You have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There's nothing wrong with that." Well, considering my family is dead because of my so-called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I think there might just be a little something wrong with that.
"Anyway, I went to… you know. And I won. I met Finnick. He was my mentor. And I met Mags, the other tribute's mentor. And they sort of became my new family. Now Mags is God-knows-where and Finnick is fighting for his life. And now…" I smile at the mere thought of it. "…now we have a baby on the way."
"Well, about the baby… You have been granted the privilege of Parent Training, as we like to call it. We saw that, since you don't have a family anymore, live in a war environment, and might have to raise him alone-"
"What do you mean raise him alone?! Finnick will raise him too!" I can barely contain myself. I hadn't wanted to think about it, but the thought enters my brain now, making my throat close. What if he dies?
"Well, Annie… Finnick is off fighting a war. There is a chance, a low one, that he may not come back home." No, no, no, no.
"No, you don't understand! Finnick is… well… Finnick! He always comes back! He promised! He never lies!" I tell her, willing her to understand. The concept of Finnick dying is unthinkable.
"Annie, dear… I think you need to open up to the possibility of being a single mother." No, no, no! This is all wrong! Finnick will be a father! Seadon will have a family!
I hadn't realized I said that out loud.
"Well, anyway… you have Parent Training now every other day starting next week."
We keep talking for a while. She tells me about Post-Traumatic Stress, or PTSD, and how there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She doesn't mention Finnick or Seadon again.
"PTSD is a mental disorder that occurs when someone experiences a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It's normal to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation, like your Games, Annie. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger. There are multiple methods to deal with this, but I will be trying the Exposure therapy. This helps people face and control their fear. It gradually exposes them to the trauma they experienced in a safe way. It uses imagining, writing, or visiting the place where the event happened. This way, you can learn to cope with your feelings." Dr. Grey explains.
"No." I say almost immediately. I don't want to relive that. I don't care what good it will do.
"Annie. I'm sorry but if you're going to be a single mother, you need to get over this."
"I am not going to be a single mother!" I yell, storming out.
It is only after thinking it through for a couple of hours that I realize she's right. If I'm going to be a mother, of any kind, I'm going to have to learn to control myself.
The next day…
"Okay, so today we're going to talk about your Games. I need you to describe them to me." My brain automatically goes: No! But I know I have to do it. I need to be there for my baby. I need to be strong.
"Well, my main motivation was to get back to my family. Obviously, I didn't know… Anyway, I got in the Arena and the first thing I did was run to the forest. I was with my friend, my only friend in the Arena: Carolina. Such a kind girl." My voice breaks, but I keep going, pushing down the sobs that threatened to rise. "She died. She died saving me. Only days before her eighteenth birthday. And- and I killed somebody. I never knew his name. And then I ran. I ran until-" My brain gives out and I Leave.
I wrap my arms around Finnick's neck, taking him in.
"Where the hell have you been?!" I ask him, not knowing why I'm so furious.
"Um… In the market, Annie."
"And did you think it right to just leave without telling me?!"
"I- uh… I left a note on the counter." He says.
"That's not good enough!" I yell. I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know why I'm so heartbroken. All I can think about is: Why did he leave?!
"Well, sorry… I just had to buy some food." He tells me, rubbing my back, a confused expression of his face.
"Don't… ever… do that… again." I whisper, my voice breaking.
The days pass uneventfully. There is no word from the rebels for the next two days. I go to session after session, working hard not to Leave, as Dr. Grey told me. The medics run endless tests, the only highlight being the photographs of the baby that they give me. Turns out there's nothing wrong with him.
But no amount of sessions or tests could have readied me for what was coming.
I was with Dr. Grey, having another session in which she told me to talk about my family when it happened.
Dr. Grey has just finished giving me advice when the door opens. Haymitch comes in, his expression somber. I look at Dr. Grey. Her eyes tell me that she knows what he's going to say. She closes them like she's in pain, then puts her hand on my shoulder. That's when Haymitch speaks.
"Annie… We're really, really sorry… Finnick is dead."
"No." My calm surprises me. "He's not dead."
"Yes, he is, Annie. Katniss confirmed it yesterday. We're truly sorry. The funeral will be in a few weeks."
"No. He promised he'd come back. He never breaks his promises." I tell him. Of course he's not dead. He's Finnick.
"He's gone. He's not coming back." Dr. Grey says, taking my hand. But I don't want to touch her. I don't want her anywhere near me. Finnick can't be dead, Finnick can't be dead, Finnick can't be dead, I repeat over and over in my head. But even that is not enough. I look down at my swelling stomach as my eyes fill with tears. No.
"No." I whisper. "No." I don't scream. I don't shout. I don't sob or yell. I just cry silently. "No."
I get up slowly and walk to my room, ignoring the looks of pity I get from the rest of the District. All I think about is: Finnick will be waiting for me in my room.
But when I open the door he's not there.
That's when it finally hits me.
Finnick is dead. Finnick is gone. He is never going to hold you or touch you or kiss you ever again. What's worse he died alone, in pain, and in a sewer. I will be alone for the rest of my life and my child will grow up without a father.
The sobs wreck my body and I hold my stomach protectively. Seadon. Seadon is going to grow up without a father. Seadon is going to grow up without siblings or grandparents or uncles or aunts. Just his mad mother who couldn't keep it together if her life depended on it.
Finnick is dead. He died yesterday.
Funny, how I'd always thought if he died I'd know. I thought it would feel like something went wrong and I would know before they told me. But my Finnick has been dead for two days, his body God-knows-where, his mind and soul long gone. Now his green eyes will shine no more and he will not have another sugarcube or another kiss. Finnick Seadon Odair. My Finn. Dead.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Seadon. I couldn't stop him. I don't know what I'm going to tell Seadon whenever he asks about his father. He left and I was too dumb to realize it.
I cry, even after I'm out of tears. I hug my belly and rock back and forth on the bed, my knees to my chest. I don't know when or how, considering the circumstances, but I fall asleep eventually.
"Do you want a sugarcube?" Finnick says, his hand outstretched. We laugh and eat sugarcubes, our mouths full of sugar.
A gigantic pool. Finnick and I swim in the Training Center for hours until our legs hurt, laughing and playing.
"Annie." He says, holding my hand. I'm in the hospital after the Games and he is taking care of me
"Finnick." I say and I smile. "Where am I?"
"Can I kiss you?" I ask, surprised. He looks surprised, too, but when he smiles happiness flows into his eyes.
"You can always kiss me, Annie. No matter what." He says. I close my eyes and lean in and kiss him. It's soft, but it allows me to explore his mouth. He tastes sweet, probably due to the sugarcubes he eats every day. He is gentle, not pushing too far, only just right.
"Take a lot of air and go under." I do as he tell me and go under the bright blue water of our little beach. I turn to see Finnick swimming by me, holding my hand. Then he points ahead and I see tons of beautiful coral. They're every color: bright pink, soft orange, dark purple, even green and blue. We only come up occasionally to get air, but we spend hours exploring the beautiful reef. It's not until the sun has set that we're back on the beach. I'm wrinkled and tired, but I feel great.
"Finnick?"
"Yeah?"
"Race you down!" I exclaim, running to the kitchen.
"Hey! That's not fair!" I hear him say. I run down the stairs and I'm almost to the kitchen when I feel two strong hands on my waist, lifting me into the air.
"Finnick!" I call out, pulling off the hospital blankets and getting up quickly.
"Annie? Annie!" He starts running towards me, and my feet take off automatically. Soon, I'm back in his arms, feeling his hair and face and arms. Finnick. My Finnick. In my arms again.
"It's okay, Annie. You're safe now. You're ok." I laugh and we kiss once more. Finally, I think, I'm with him at last.
"I'm pregnant." His eyes light up and his smile is bigger than ever. He laughs and picks me up, spinning me around, so, so happy.
"You're pregnant! I'm going to be a father!" He says, his eyes full of happy tears. "I'm going to be a father." He repeats, softer this time.
"It's a boy." He gives me a long, sweet kiss, then moves down and kisses my slightly-bigger tummy.
And when I wake up, the bed is still empty, and the note is still on the chair, and I'm still alone.