Apparently I'm getting back into the swing of weekly updates, so hopefully it'll remain that way. This still has such a ridiculously way to go still - I was a bit afraid that I'd never be getting it finished, perhaps I'm more hopeful now - though, saying that was probably a bad sign. However..
As ever this is dedicated to Callie (because who else is still up at 3 in the morning when random characters are telling you random thoughts?), ficmouse (because we enjoy disturbing & distressing each other with random plot lines - often of the heartbreaking genre.) & the lovely Meggi - and at one point I'll reply to an email on time, I promise...
Sam emerged from the shower on an average Tuesday morning - despite the complete regularity of the day and the decision that she'd made - she found herself unable to prevent the smile spreading gently crossing her lips as she looked into the full length mirror and caught sight of the roundness of her small bump. After the painfully frightening experiences Sam had been forced to deal with during her pregnancy - much like reaching the twenty-five week mark had been, before the subsequent stress that day had brought - the knowledge that she only had to carry her unborn daughter for another twelve weeks before she could bring her safely into the world was encouraging. Moving swiftly from the mirror Sam sat down on the edge of her bed and retrieved her hairdryer from its position on the floor by her feet. Rubbing a hand across her tired eyes Sam switched the appliance on and set about preparing herself for the working day ahead of her.
Some half hour later Sam found that she was running ahead of her schedule and unlike many other mornings of late she was able to sit down on her sofa with a cup of tea and a slice of toast and butter before she set off for work. As unusual as the experience was Sam found that it was a most pleasant start to the day and as lifted her handbag from its position on the arm of the sofa she left the house. Noticing the clear skies Sam found that she was looking forward to what was looking likely to be a very relaxing walk to work. With a quick double check that she had all she would need for her day with her, Sam locked the door and set off.
Upon entering the department she was met by the smiling face of Zoe, who before Sam could have realistically reached her side had scurried off in the opposite direction, something which had been an regular occurrence over the past week. Sam couldn't be certain but she was fairly certain that she knew the cause of Zoe's actions and although she felt she should make both Dylan and Zoe aware that she knew of their rekindled relationship, the thought of doing so made her feeling frighteningly nauseous and she couldn't bring herself to start the discussion. Sam let the staffroom door fall closed behind her as she sat down and reflected on the moment that Tom had inadvertently spilled the beans on that particular development in Dylan's life assuming that she would already have been aware. Sam had found, unexpectedly, that no tears fell at Tom's words and she was able to simply return to the x-ray she had been examining at the time.
Sam stood from her position and moved towards her locker to retrieve her stethoscope, as she did so she found herself glancing out of the window and immediately she caught sight of Dylan and Zoe talking with their heads bowed together in the corner of the room, she noticed Lenny walk by them as she did so and did not miss his double take as he walked towards the central desk. Sam turned quickly away from the window, taking a deep breath as she did so, suddenly feeling a rush of sadness upon seeing them together. Tears were prickling at the back of Sam eye's as Tom walked in, and his concern was evident almost at once. "Sam?" He questioned and in response shook her head softly, turning away from his gaze quickly.
Blinking any threat of tears away Sam turned around to face Tom and offered him a small smile. "I'm fine." She began and Tom looked sceptical however he said nothing. "I was just thinking," Sam explained. "I can't tell you now, later I promise." Sam concluded softly letting her hand fall onto Tom's chest and smiled up at him again in reassurance that everything was ok. Sam wasn't entirely sure about her newly hatched plan herself yet but she knew that she'd have to sound out Dylan's idea on the subject before she could possibly suggest something so major to him, given that there was no time like the present Sam reasoned that she'd try to get some time alone with her husband this evening - at some point after their shifts.
Sam had managed to get a moment alone with Dylan on her lunch break, when she'd entered the staffroom, salad sandwich in hand, she immediately put the kettle on and pulled both her mug and Dylan's - which she was surprised to note that he wasn't using - from the cupboard and sat down next to him without comment. Dylan did not bother to react to her presence and even when Sam had made tea for herself and a coffee for him he only managed a tiny tight smile of thanks when she pushed the mug into his hands.
"We need to talk," Sam began and Dylan looked up at her in confusion and then his expression quite suddenly changed to one of complete concern. "There is nothing wrong," Sam stated simple reading his expression.
"Then why?" Dylan had countered quite suddenly, putting his mug down on the low lying coffee table and turning to face Sam.
Sam paused momentarily and she considered the idea of curling into Dylan's chest and hoping that he would just hold her until she felt better, her worst nightmare had always been to cry in front of him - but that had truly been shattered over the years - yet in this precise moment that fear had crept back up on her and once again she was less than successful in being able to prevent tears in front of Dylan. Never before had Sam been so grateful for Dylan than she had when he pulled her into his arms and was able to provide her with some comfort.
A sense of overpowering sadness fell over Sam as she realise that not only was she probably never going to feel this comfort from him again but reflecting on her current predicament she pulled herself from Dylan's arms and sat upright with the realisation that she would need to tell him that she knew about him and Zoe. "Our daughter needs a name," Sam said regardless of how she was really feeling. "I thought I could come round after work?" She questioned lightly turning around to meet Dylan's eye and she was pleased that she was able to see a hint of happiness in his eyes.
"A name?" Dylan said and Sam found herself smiling at his cheerful tone.
"Yes,"
"Right," Dylan spoke hesitantly and Sam was forced to wonder whether or not that her very forward approach to getting a decision on whether she'd be able to see her daughter cared for.
"Do you and Zoe have plans?" Sam questioned in sudden realisation that she may actually be interfering on a night which Dylan and Zoe had planned to spend together.
"You know," Dylan's cheeks coloured slightly and Sam was forced the suppress a small smile.
"Yes," came Sam's short response she paused momentarily before continuing. "Don't explain Dylan, it's fine."
As planned Sam arrived at the mooring of Dylan's boat - as her day had begun, she was five minutes early and sat nervously in the car, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. By rights Sam knew she shouldn't be feeling nervous at all however the concept of discussing something as important and vital in their baby's life. Sam had made the decision that afternoon that she would let Dylan choose their daughter's name, if only to allow him to feel involved in the decisions and then hopefully it would help his decision in the question which could not be asked until she was aware that she'd receive a positive answer.
With a final steadying breath Sam opened her car door and began the short walk onto Dylan's boat, at the sound of her heels on the wooden barge Sam heard the barking of Dervla who had obviously not been expecting a house-guest that evening. Dylan was at the open front door waiting on her before Sam had even reached the final step. "Hi." She spoke softly.
"Samantha," Dylan's voice saying her full name sounded odd to ears after not having him call her that for so long.
Sam followed Dylan on to the boat, only pausing to close the front door behind herself once she was safely indoors much to Dervla's obvious displeasure, watching as the dog padded back to the kitchen somewhat dejectedly and was sure that Dervla had even managed to close the door further with a swing of her tail on the way. Sam sat down on the sofa opposite the arm chair which had always been Dylan's seat of choice, and even in spite of the marriage vows between and the fact that she'd been living here not that long ago Sam was painfully aware of the awkward silence that had descended since she'd actually came aboard the boat. "What do you think?" Sam asked only as a way to break the silence.
"Sorry?" Dylan's confusion was evident as he spoke."Calling the baby," Sam replied short, stung, and she tried to disguise the hurt that she was feeling over the clear unimportance Dylan felt about something she found so important.
"Never thought about names," Dylan replied at once, and silence once again lapsed around leaving Sam wondering just when things had gotten so very difficult and distant between them.
"Right," Sam said as though it was an end to the matter. "I just thought that you'd like to be involved," She said suddenly and even she could hear that she was unable to keep the harsh, hurt tone from her voice.
"I do." Dylan's response was expectedly short and sharp.
"Sorry."
"I think you used to have a book, did you not?" Dylan muttered, almost to himself and Sam found that she was not required to reply as he moved from his seated position to the bookshelf behind him. "It'll be here somewhere -" He stopped speaking suddenly and began moving various medical textbooks Sam recognised, some of which were her own or ones in which Dylan had bought her insisting that she would find them helpful - Sam had long since suspected that Dylan had found more use from them than her and in fact she'd often seen him poring over one until the tiny hours of the morning when he'd still been a GP.
"I was thinking about Martha." Sam offered helpfully.
"Hm," Dylan appeared to consider her suggestion, as he eventually emerged from the bookcase victorious, clutching the small book that Sam had never been given the option to open, despite buying it almost four years previously. "We'll see what the book says," Sam watched as Dylan beginning flicking through the pages until he'd located her name of choice. "Martha, mistress." Dylan read aloud and Sam could tell from the look on his face that he was not convinced. "I don't think so Sam,"
After a few moments of pages turning and Sam sitting in silence, Dylan raised his head from the pages and spoke softly, a small smile beginning to appear on his lips as he did. "Sophie, it means wisdom." Sam smiled up at him at his words. "She's our Sophie." Dylan stated simply and reached across the sofa to take her hand and given the way in which Sam's eyes had begun to water she was grateful for the comfort - even more so when he joined her on the sofa and let his hand rest gently on her bump as he assured their daughter in barely audible whispers that she was their perfect little Sophie and he'd always be there from her. Dylan's words where all Sam needed to hear to know that she'd made the correct decision and she now only had to talk to Zoe before they could hopefully, together, approach Dylan with her suggestion.
After half an hour of inane and awkward small talk Sam had quietly excused herself from Dylan's company under the guise of feeling tired and wanting an early night; an excuse that she couldn't get her own head around given that Dylan was in a relationship with a colleague and here she was lying about the fact that she had agreed to meet Tom for dinner once her meeting with Dylan was over. After all it was just dinner with a friend who cared about how she was feeling. She climbed into her car throwing her bag down on the passenger seat and pulled her phone from her pocket before she bothered to start the engine. Sam waited patiently as the phone began to ring, she had told Tom that she'd call when she was leaving Dylan's and he had agreed that he'd meet her at her flat with some form of take-out. "Hello," Sam spoke loudly recognising that from the hustle and bustle in the background that Tom was still in the pub. He informed here that he was grabbing his coat and stepping outside to hear her properly and once again Sam fell into silence.
"Yes," Sam said clearly responding to Tom's questioning of whether or not she was still there. "I've just left Dylan's," Sam continued by way of explanation of her phone call. She muttered encouraging thoughts to Tom's question of how the night went and he countered that she could tell him all about once they were safely on her couch. She'd laughed at his reply and allowed her mind to travel to what she was actually considering telling Tom this evening. Sam was prised from her silent thoughts by Tom querying what she would like to eat. "Anything," she began at first and as Tom informed her lightheartedly that it was her choice and that perhaps she should consult with her daughter Sam giggled and allowed her free hand to sit gently on her stomach. She reasoned that perhaps Tom did have a point, given the subject matter she was planning on bringing up with him she was already feeling slightly sick and concluded that perhaps it would be safer all round if she had something bland to eat, if, of course, she was actually planning on enjoying her dinner. "Pizza," Sam said after deliberation and she could not help but hear the agreement in Tom's tone as he asked her preference. "Cheese," she replied instantaneously and Tom murmured his approval, informing her that he'd be around half an hour. "See you then," Sam said. "Bye." Sam hung up cheerfully and pushing her phone back into her bag she turned the ignition and pulled away from Dylan's boat and driving the ten minute distance to her own flat.
Sam thought that she'd been home for around fifteen minutes and had successfully changed into leggings and long t-shirt making herself much more comfortable than her linen trousers and jacket had been when the doorbell rang. She moved from the sink where she was pouring herself a glass of water and padded down her hall way pulling the door open, and coming face to face with Tom's smiling face and the pizza boxes that were in his hands, Sam took them from him and motioned him in. As she wandered back up the hallway towards the kitchen Sam heard Tom close the door behind himself then within seconds he was at her heels following her into the small kitchen, watching as she sourced plates from the cupboard by the bin and turned with a smile to hand him his own slices of pizza back.
"Drink?" Sam queried lightly, as she picked up her own glass of water. "I'd offer you wine," she began with a slight smile. "But that's not been in the flat for months now," she clarified gesturing her small bump with a giggle.
Tom's smiled at her remark and shook his head anyway before speaking. "No, I'm fine, thanks." Sam nodded and moved from the small kitchenette towards the living area and slipped herself down onto the sofa where Tom joined her within moments.
Sam reached down and placed her plate down on her coffee table after her second slice and Ton looked up at her in concern. "Feeling alright?" He asked softly.
"Mm," Sam began shifting in her seat in order to tuck her legs underneath herself. "Yeah." She concluded softly and leant back to allow her head to rest against the back of her sofa almost jumping in fright when Tom's hand reached out to touch her face, moving her hair from her eyes and she smiled sleepily at him. "She'd called Sophie," Sam stated calmly.
Tom raised his eyebrows gently and placed his half eaten slice of pizza back down onto his plate before speaking. "Your baby?" He asked and Sam nodded.
"It means wisdom," Sam continued allowing a smile to grace her lips before answering Tom's next question before he'd even got to ask it. "Dylan looked in a book." She said giggling all the while.
"Of course he did," Tom said softly.
Sam shifted upwards on the sofa and reached back across the table to retrieve the glass of water she'd abandoned when she'd first sat down. Noting that Tom was finished his pizza, she reached out to take the empty plate and placed her own on top of his before standing up and returning to the kitchen with the empty dishes. "Coffee?" Sam called out and when she turned jumped upon seeing Tom standing just behind her.
"Please," Sam smiled and turned around to lift two mugs and sourced her coffee jar and teabags before switching the kettle on. "You seem on edge." Tom stated knowingly and Sam couldn't bring herself to turn around meet his eye knowing he was right.
"Later," she said clearly. "Go sit back down." The soft footsteps indicated that Tom had done as he was told. Sam took a few steadying breaths as the kettle boiled and set about pouring water into mugs. "Milk, sugar?" She called behind her in question.
"Just milk," came the response.
Disposing of the tea bag and lifting her own mug to her lips, Sam cursed herself for not thinking that the water would be boiling, flinching as she did so. She moved from the kitchen to her living room, where she'd been watching as Tom seemed to be familiarising himself with her flat, a mug in each hand as her companion turned around seemingly aware of not being alone in the room anymore. Sam had been lost in the thoughts of her conversation with Dylan since their shift had ended however she was sure she'd managed to at least keep a blank expression on her face.
"I'm not sure if I can bring up this baby knowing that he loves her," Sam began in a rush, ducking her head at the look of both shock and confusion which was evident on her companions face. "Knowing that he loves Zoe, and they can't have what they want." She continued, ignoring anything which Tom's face had been hinting to her.
She was almost grateful for the briefest of moments when her guest seemed to find his voice. "What are you getting at here, Sam?" Tom's query had been innocent, yet from the bewildered look still fixed on his face she knew that he would not approve of her cleverly concocted plan which she was certain would be best for everyone.
"I think," she began, determinedly, desperate to not sound as unconfident as she felt about the arrangement Sam was certain that she'd need to put towards Zoe almost imminently. "Once I have the baby, it would be best if I let Dylan and Zoe bring her up." She concluded with an air of certainty that Sam was sure she didn't feel despite having already assured herself that this was a arrangement which would almost certainly benefit her child. She looked back towards Tom and the unreadable expression on his face, he seemed lost for words and Sam wasn't sure that she had any of her own to offer him either. "I'm going to talk to Zoe about it," she eventually offered and was again met with a shocked silence.
"You really want that?" Tom asked eventually and he padded across the short distance that was in between them, removing her mug from her hands and putting it down with his on the table, both reaching out to her again and taking both of her hand pulling her down onto the sofa beside her. Sam nodded quickly in reply and allowed herself to be pulled into Tom's arms letting her head rest against his chest, feeling reassured by the gentle rising and falling of his chest as they remained curled together on her sofa in complete silence.
"Do you think," Sam began suddenly before pausing and not finishing her question, she felt Tom shift slightly in his seat as he did so and manoeuvred them so that he was facing her, his hands had found hers again and Sam found herself clutching to him as she tried to find the right words to ask the question that she desperately needed the answer to. "Do you think," Sam began again and this time as she looked up at Tom's face she seen all the concern and encouragement that she needed to ask the question. "Do you think I'd be a good mum?"
Tom frowned at Sam's question, at a loss for what to say which make her believe his genuine positive reply. "Of course," Tom began and Sam looked up at him in disbelief. He extended his arm slowly and let his knuckles gaze Sam's cheek gently, Sam reached up and caught his hand with her own before holding it in it's position on her cheek. "I do." Tom answered. "You'll be wonderful," He clarified and Sam looked up with a smile on her face and gently moved her hand towards her lap, keeping Tom's hand tight in her grip.
"I'm frightened," Sam's voice was barely a whisper and caused Tom to look to her in confusion.
"Frightened?" He repeated.
"That I won't be able to cope," she began as way of explanation before expanding. "That she's going to cry all the time and I'm not going to know what she wants," as the words left her mouth Sam realised that after weeks of being unsure what was frightening her so much about having her baby. The fact that she was excited to hold her daughter in arms and feel the complete love that she knew she was supposed to feel did not quash any feelings of fear that she had about becoming a mother.
"And you think that every new mum I speak to, doesn't tell me that at least once?" Tom questioned with such a certainty that it gave Sam a small amount of hope. Hope that she managed to successfully bury again, because she had made her decision and she knew that it was for the best, if only to give Sophie a proper mummy and daddy.
Tom had long since kicked his own legs up onto the sofa, and pulled Sam more securely into his arms, where she remained her head rested against his chest the steady beating of his heart was not helping her drowsiness. Sam let her eyes flutter shut in exhaustion and as Tom noted this he spoke softly. "I should be going you're obviously exhausted."
Sam shook her head against his chest and Tom tried to see her face, she opened her eyes momentarily and spoke quietly. "No," her words confused him and he accepted her answer, pulling his arms tighter around Sam as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
Tom smiled softly to himself as Sam's breathing evened out and she seemed to slip into a peaceful sleep. He considered the position that he now found himself in following Sam's sudden confession about her plans, he wasn't even certain that Zoe would take her up on her offer, he'd even seen any signs that the elder woman had any interest in having children. However, now Tom found himself dealing with the realisation that he'd be forced to pick up the pieces if Sam's plans were less than successful. He had no doubt in his mind that Sam would be able to cope the realities of being a mother, it would difficult at first but it was the same for everyone, he was sure. He pressed a kiss against the top of Sam's head and he allowed his thoughts to drift to the idea that if she was so concerned about bringing up her daughter alone, and if it wasn't to be with Dylan, then he could help her as much as she needed and she'd be able to be a mum to Sophie - instead of giving her away and watching her daughter learn to call another woman mum.
So if you are here, thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a review telling me what you like and, of course, if you didn't, what you didn't...
Anny x