chapter 25 THE LOSS
Hermione could not find sleep that night. Too many things were happening and her mind just would not allow her to rest, even though she desperately needed to. She pulled the blanket tighter around her body and curled up into a ball. The bed was too big for her alone. It was too large for a normal person, but Purebloods liked to exaggerate in everything. His side of the bed was empty.
Hermione felt stupid, because she could not get rid of the feeling that he was somehow betreying her. She knew exactly where he was and what he was doing. Everytime that thought creeped into her mind, she felt a stab. It was ridiculous what she had allowed herself to feel. She kept repeating to herself that she was not his wife or even his mistress.
But than what was that strange feeling inside of her? Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't she find the comfort in sleep?
It did not help that Ginny was probably in the room next to hers. Hermione was fighting the urge to see her, to talk to her, even though she knew it would only make things worse. Everything Hermione did just seemed to make things worse.
A small, but persistent voice in her head was telling her that she was useless and not worth to live anymore. All she was good at was hurting the people she loved.
Hermione shut her eyes and tried to think about something else, but her mind kept replaying the recent events. After a few minutes she realized that there would not be any sleep for her tonight.
ooo
"She did what?"Snape asked, not believing what he just heard.
"The idiotic girl tried to kill herself in my bathroom," Lucius explained, taking a sip of Fire Whiskey.
"Why would she do such a thing?"
Lucius looked away as if avoiding an answer. It didn't escape Snape's attention that Lucius did not want him to know something.
"She was talking with the Mudblood and something in that conversation had to trigger-" Snape started, but Lucius cut him off.
"Does it really matter, Severus?" he asked, "She will live. I've put the anti-suicide spell on the room. She will not be able to do anything now."
"I wonder what could Granger have told her to cause that kind of reaction."
"Maybe it was not the Mudblood. Maybe it was something you did."
Snape paled, realizing that it was possible his actions pushed Ginny over the edge. He did everything in his power to forget what almost had happened that drunken night. But maybe Ginny was not as good in repressing painful memories as he was. Still, he distinced himself from her since that night. He had as little contact with her as possible. Why would she try to end her own life over something that was never going to happen again?
"Maybe you were too rough with the girl, Severus," Lucius' lip curled up into a smirk.
Snape took a deep breath, than nodded. It would not be good for him if he showed his concern for the girl.
"I would like to speak to her before we…" he left that sentence trail off.
"Of course," Lucius nodded, "You can come tomorrow morning."
There was a moment of long silence in the room. Both men were lost in their thoughts.
Snape was the first to speak:"Is everything ready?"
"Yes. My house is warded and no one except me or you can put a feet in it."
Snape nodded, before taking a sip of the Fire Whiskey himself. He was nervous, a part of him could hardly wait for what was about to happen, but other part was horrified at what they were soon going to try.
"What did you find out?" Lucius spoke quietly, as if he was afraid someone might hear him.
"There is no one in the house," Snape stated calmly, "There is no need to whisper."
"You never know, my friend," Lucius smirked, "The Dark Lord has ears and eyes everywhere."
"Not in my house," Snape returned the smirk, than a serious expression took over, "As from what I have discovered, there are no horcruxes left. But we need to be prepared for anything."
Lucius was silent for a moment, his eyes lost.
"Do you still wish to carry on with it?" Snape asked carefully, noticing Lucius' strange behaviour.
In a moment, Lucius' eyes connected with his and Snape saw pure determination in them. There was no doubt in his look. Lucius' expression cooled ten degrees and Snape needed nothing more to be convinced.
"For months I have been waiting for this moment, Severus," he answered coldly.
"Good."
Lucius' voice was hard when he asked a simple word:"When?"
"Tomorrow is the best option. We cannot risk being discovered."
Lucius' jaw muscles jumped as he considered Snape's words, but than he just nodded.
"Should we fail-" Snape started.
"We will not fail, Severus."
"If they turn against us, they will try and attack out home. What have you told the Granger girl?"
Snape noticed how Lucius' expression changed at the mention of Hermione Granger. He tensed and his face was hard as if he was trying to hide his thoughts.
"I have not told her anything," he answered.
Snape narrowed his eyes in surprise, than spoke:"She doesn't know?"
"Is there a reason she should?"
"If they attack the house-"
"They will not be able to get in," Lucius repeated, "There is no need for her to know what is happening."
Snape opened his mouth to argue, but than decided it was wiser to keep his opinion to himself. There was something between Lucius and the girl. Snape had never before seen Lucius act that way because of a mudblood prisoner. Granger was the first to achieve that.
"What did you do to the girl, Lucius?" Snape finally asked, remembering how desperate she looked when she tried to escape from the Manor. Snape was not a kind man. All those years of spying and being a Death Eater turned him into a stone, but the look on her face when she begged him to help her get away, touched something inside of him.
"Why do you ask?" Lucius raised and eyebrow and took another sip of the Fire Whiskey.
"Curiosity."
Lucius sighed, than met Snape's eyes:"What do you think I did to her?"
"You had me attend to her wounds. I think I have seen enough to know what happened, but what interests me is why you yourself did not heal her," Snape drawled, "You have enough knowledge in that area."
Lucius' lips formed a thin line and he did not answer for a few long moments. When he did, it was not what Snape expected.
"I did not want to see."
That caught Snape's attention:"See what?"
Suddenly anger showed on Lucius' face as he forced the words through his teeth:"That Mudblood is doing something to me. I have to admit I underestimated her."
"What do you mean?"
"With a few words she brought out the animal in me and afterwards…." he trailed off, struggling to find words:"You know what I felt afterwards?"
Snape raised an eyebrow, confused at the anger and disgust on Lucius' face.
"Remorse," he forced the word out, "She made me feel remorse over something I did. It has never happened before. I have never known the feeling of remorse or guilt. It disgusts me."
Snape tried to hide the shock that crossed his face at that confession. In all his years of knowing Lucius, he had never heard him express guilt over something. It was not in his nature. But somehow the Granger girl succeeded in bringing that out in him.
"Guilt over what?" Snape digged a bit further, trying to find out what was on Lucius' mind.
"I told her I regret what happened, because I acted like an animal. That…is true, but it's not the entire truth," Lucius spoke, his eyes stared at something in the distance.
"We've been friends for a very long time, Lucius. I can assure you that nothing you say will leave this room."
Lucius nodded:"I know that," than he took a deep breath,"I don't know what has changed. I remember when I enjoyed seeing her in pain, causing her to cry and scream." A weak smirk showed on his face, but it quickly dissapeared, replaced by serious expression.
Snape slightly winced at that, realizing what his former student had to endure at the hands of the man in front of him. He knew Lucius all to well. Killing and torturing was something he did daily, sometimes on his Master's command, sometimes on his own will. It was no secret that Lucius despised the Muggles and Mudbloods. He was a proud Pureblood. But in his life Snape learned that not all is black and white. There are grey areas. And even though it was hard to admit it, Lucius Malfoy was not entirely evil. He was not like Voldemort, who was build out of pure evil. Snape knew Lucius' other side. He had seen how he was treating Narcissa. With respect and love. It was hard to understand how a man who could be that cruel and kill without a second thought, could care for his family. As far as Snape knew, Lucius' and Narcissa's marriage was arranged, but that did not mean they did not care for each other.
Snape had seen Lucius' at his most violent moments, but he also knew that he never laid his hand on Narcissa or Draco.
"I actually felt pity for her!" Lucius growled in frustration, "It was not supposed to be like this. Maybe I should kill her and end all this charade!"
"She is nothing but a Mudblood, Lucius," Snape tried to calm him down.
"At first she truly was."
"What changed?"
Snape could see frustration and anger on Lucius' face. It was obvious that Granger was getting to him. And he was not sure if that was a good thing. Lucius was prepared to do anything to rid himself of her. Even if that meant killing her.
"I wish I could answer that question, Severus."
Snape knew he would not get anything more from him, so he remained silent. After a few moments Lucius chuckled coldly and looked at his friend:"Why so quiet?"
"It accurred to me that this may be our last night alive," Snape said in a dark tone.
"Are you having second thoughts?"
"No," Snape answered without even thinking, "You?"
"Never."
ooo
Hermione could not help but feel relief when she finally heard him. The doors opened slowly and then she heard footsteps. He walked to the bed and started to undress. It surprised her that he came back, when he said he would be gone the whole night. It was probably very early in the morning. For a moment she wondered if she should let him know she was awake, but quickly changed her mind.
She could feel the mattress sink underneath her as he took his side of the bed. But than she felt something. Her back was facing him but she could feel him staring at her. Her breath caught in her throat when he slowly pulled the blanked down her body. When his hand touched her arm, she could not take it anymore. She moved away from him and pulled herself into a sitting position, wrapping the blanket around her now trembling body.
"What are you doing?" the question flew out of her mouth, panic evident in her voice.
"Why are you not asleep?" he demanded, clearly surprised.
Hermione did not answer, she was too busy listening for any kind of movement that came from Lucius. Why was he touching her?
"Calm yourself," he said to her, "Nothing is going to happen."
That did not take all the fear away, but it was a start. She tried to calm her breathing and slowly asked:"Why were you-?"
"If you knew you are about to die tomorrow, what would you in your last night?"
That question was so unexpected, it took Hermione completely off guard. What did he mean by that? Has he finally gotten bored with her?
"No, you can't-" she started, panicking, "W-why now?"
Lucius did not understand her:"Excuse me?"
"Why now? What have I done? You can't…I don't want to…die," Hermione babbled, her lower lip trembling.
After a moment, Lucius let out a cold chuckle:"I am not talking about you, silly girl."
"What?" was all she could ask, feeling completely confused.
"General speaking, how would you spend your last night alive?"
Hermione blinked a few times, not understanding why he was asking her such a thing if he was not planning on killing her. Why would a normal person with their whole life in front of them be thinking about the last night of their life? Unless… Maybe it was not her. What if he was asking for himself?
Horrible shiver ran down Hermione's body at that realization.
"What is going on?" she carefully asked, afraid of hearing his answer.
"Nothing," he replied smoothly, "Now answer my question."
"Something is going on," she repeated, "Tell me what is going on!"
"Lower your voice, Mudblood," he hissed at her, "I shouldn't have told you anything!"
Hermione could hear him get up from the bed and she followed, determined to find out what was happening.
"Where are you going?" she asked, trying to figure out where he was standing.
"None of your business."
He was putting on his clothes again, which meant he was leaving and Hermione could not allow that to happen. Not when she knew that he was hiding something important from her.
"Don't go!" she desperately tried, but knew that he would not listen to her.
In a second he was close to her, so close she could smell him. It seemed as if his smell intoxicated her. It was her drug, she could no longer imagine life without him. Without being able to talk to him, to feel him, to smell him.
Even though her instincts were telling her to take a step away, her stubbornness was stronger and she did not move. She heard him swallow hard before he finally spoke.
"Why do you care so much if I leave?" he purred into her ear, sending shivers down her body.
She wanted to give him a truthful answer, but found it impossible to. She did not know why she needed him to stay with her. There was just something. She could feel that Lucius was hiding something important. Something dangerous was happening and she was completely in the dark about it.
"Tell me what is going on," she said quietly.
Lucius sighed in annoyance and moved away from her.
"Nothing to concern you pretty little head with," his voice was dripping with sarcasm, but that did not stop Hermione.
"Is it about Philix? Is Voldemort still suspicious?"
"Philix is nothing but history," Lucius replied with a smirk, "Go back to bed."
"I'm not going! Stop treating me like I'm a child when I'm not! Not anymore. You should know that," Hermione raised her voice again, "How can you expect me to just go to sleep and pretend everything is alright, when I know that something bad is happening?"
"Than go pretend that you're asleep. Just stop bothering me," Lucius barked at her.
"Are you in danger?" she suddenly asked, feeling her heart in her throat.
His silence only confirmed it and Hermione opened her mouth in shock. She never imagined him in danger. He always seemed to be in charge of everything that was happening, he was always superior to his colleagues. He was always calm and manipulative. It never occurred to her that he could be the one in danger. She still remembered how strange it was when he came home injured, incapable of protecting them both against Philix.
"Do you care?" he asked in a harsh tone.
He neither admitted or denied that he was in danger, but Hermione could feel it in his voice.
"Of course, why do I even ask," he smirked, "I already know everything about your feelings."
"I don't think you do," she answered, even though she blushed in shame.
"How is that?"
Hermione shook her head, a sad smile on her face:"Even I don't know what I feel."
Lucius' tone darkened:"Pull yourself together, Mudblood. You insult me by even thinking you could feel something other than fear and hate for me."
"What about you?" she suddenly asked, "What can you say about the way you treat me?"
"I am your tormentor, your judge and executioner," Lucius spoke coldly,"You are my reward, my prisoner and victim."
"It is not that simple," Hermione insisted, even though she wished it could be the way Lucius described it. It would make everything much easier if she could just see Lucius as her tormentor. It was like that in the beginning, but with time it changed. He could not be defined by just one word, neither could she and their relationship.
"It is more than that," she whispered, "It has to be."
"You romantically wanting to believe that is never going to make it true," Lucius said to her and there was a trace of mock in his voice.
"That evening…when you took me to Voldemort," she paused, surprised he did not remind her not to call his Master by his name, "When he intended to kill me and you said you have nothing to say. Was it-…Did you-"
"What do you wish to know, Mudblood?" he cut her off, impatiently.
"I want to know if you really meant it? Were you really going to stand there and watch me die?"
The moment the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back. She did not want to know it. It would be much easier to stay in the dark, surrounded with false hope that maybe he would have done something to help her.
"I knew it was a test," Lucius answered, his voice somehow soft.
Hermione opened her mouth in surprise, but no voice came out. She did not know what to think of his answer, what to make out of it.
"You knew he would not do it?" she finally asked.
"I knew."
She was silent for a few moments, hoping he would explain it or add something to his answer. But he said nothing. And Hermione somehow felt that was everything she would get out of him.
Lucius knew that Voldemort was just playing with them. And when he did not try to do anything to help her, he knew she would not need help, because Voldemort never intended to kill her.
But now that Hermione knew that, she did not feel any better. Lucius avoided to give her direct answer to her question. She was no closer to the truth.
"Go the bed," he said to her, his voice tired.
"What about you?"
She hoped he would not leave the room. Even though he was her tormentor, as he had said himself, she still felt safer in his presence.
"If you keep your mouth shut and stop with your annoying questions, I will stay here."
Hermione nodded, relief washing over her. She crawled back into the bed and suddenly a thought hit her. She needed his presence. She needed to be close to him, yet she could not stand his touch. Her body and her soul were still scarred after what he did do her a few nights ago. It would not be easy to forget.
But he obviously forgot everything about that night. Of course he did. It was easier to him. He wasn't the one who was humiliated and hurt. But…suddenly something occurred to her. He had to feel something to react that way. He was like an animal, not seeing anything, just acting on his instinct. She could still remember the desperate and furious look in his eyes. She caused that. She hurt him as well.
Hermione stiffened when she felt Lucius join her in the bed. When he said nothing to her, she relaxed again, trying to forget who she was sharing her bed with.
ooo
Hermione did not sleep well that night. At times like this, she wished she did not have a brain, so could enjoy being blissfully ignorant about everything. Her mind would not let her rest, replaying her conversation with Lucius over and over again.
She could not stop thinking about what he meant by saying all those things. It was as if he was saying goodbye to life. A shiver ran down Hermione's spine as she realized that maybe something might happen to him. A strange feeling of panic shot through her at the thought of losing him and being all alone. What would happen to her?
She did not even want to think about it. It was too frightening. A faith worse than death would await for her if something happened to Lucius. There was no denying that.
Hermione held her breath and listened carefully to his breathing. It was calm and even, which told her he was asleep. But how could he sleep after everything he said to her? Was he lying to scare her?
If something bad was happening, he would not be capable to sleep that peacefully, right?
The morning came almost too fast. Hermione's eyes were closed, but she was not asleep. The nerves would not let her. When she heard Lucius exhale slowly, she realized that he was awake as well.
Should I say something?
She wanted to move, to ask him what was happening, to do something. But instead she just lay there, not daring to move or show that she was awake.
Lucius eventually got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom. That was when Hermione pulled herself into a sitting position, thinking hard about what to say to him when he came back into the bedroom.
He had made it clear that he did not appreciate her questions, but Hermione was past caring. He would just have to deal with her questions. He could not expect her to forget about everything he told her.
When he finally came out of the bathroom, Hermione tensed, the words stuck in her mouth.
"Why are you up already?" he asked matter-of-factly as he dressed himself.
"I-I couldn't sleep."
He snorted at that, but said nothing. Hermione took a deep breath to encourage herself. It was strange how she was always nervous when she spoke to him. She could almost describe it as a feeling of butterflies in her stomach, only it was more powerful.
"What happens today?" she asked, keeping a strong face.
"What do you mean?"
He was playing with her again, but Hermione would not allow him that.
"What you said to me last night-" she started, but Lucius cut her off.
"I never should have told you anything," he snapped, "Stop asking questions, Mudblood."
His words struck her like a slap. Suddenly her mind was blank and she did not know what to say. Judging by his angry reply, he was not willing to talk to her. And if she still insisted, it would end badly. Maybe she was exaggerating, making a problem where there was in fact nothing. It had to be that.
So Hermione changed the subject, remembering something that was on her mind two days ago. It was a delicate subject and she did not know if she should even say something. Maybe it would be better if she kept her mouth shut. But she needed to know. And he needed to know as well to prevent anything that could grow out of their relationship.
"What is on your mind?" Lucius asked with interest, pulling her out of her thoughts.
Was she really that obvious?
"I-I was just wondering…" she trailed off, her mind searching for appropriate words,"Yesterday, when you gave me the potion for…to prevent…"
She never imagined how difficult it would be to actually say the words. Even after everything she had been through with Lucius, she still was not comfortable talking to him about something as personal as her time of the month. But she needed to swallow her pride and ask what she needed to know.
"What are you trying to say?" Lucius demanded, a bit impatient.
"After a few times…when you…when we-" Hermione's voice shook, but than she just forced the words out,"Did you use some kind of a charm to prevent pregnancy?"
There was a complete silence in the room after that question. Immediately Hermione wished she could take the words back.
She could hear Lucius exhale slowly before he spoke:"It has been taken care of."
That surprised her. She never heard him mutter any kind of incantation or give her any potion.
"How?"
"That does not concern you," he said venomly, "Suffice to say that I would never allow a half breed into the Malfoy family."
Hermione expected those words, but they still somehow stung. Not that she would even want his child, but something inside her was hurt.
"How can you be sure?" she asked carefully, trying to keep her voice from breaking.
"I think yesterday's event has proven that I do not need to worry about anything," he said, pleased with himself.
Hermione licked her lips hesitantly, her heart beating faster and faster as she felt the question approaching.
"And what about…in the future?" she asked, barely able to hear her own voice.
It was not something she liked to even think about, but she could not pretend that Lucius would never again want to…to relieve his needs. Just because of what happened the last time when even Lucius himself seemed disgusted with his actions, did not mean that he would spare her from it in the future.
She could feel that her question got Lucius' attention.
"In the future, Mudblood?" he drawled slowly, "How can you be so sure we will-"
Hermione did not let him finish:"Won't we?"
How she wished he would tell her that he would not touch her ever again. That she was safe from him at least in that matter.
Lucius simply ignored her question:"I have been putting the contraceptive potion in your food ever since that first night."
Of course he was. How could she think he would be that irresponsible to risk getting her pregnant?
"Did that answer your question?" he asked, his voice smooth and elegant.
Hermione nodded, but than realized something. Something she was not sure she wanted to know, but still the question flew out of her mouth.
"What would you do if it did happen?"
Not even a moment later she got the answer and there was no room left for argument or doubt.
"I would terminate it immediately," he said emotionless, "I already had a son."
Hermione felt no need to say anything more after that. The subject of their conversation was delicate and she did not want to face his fury this early in the morning. Lucius dressed in silence as Hermione stared into space.
After he left the room with no words, she walked into the bathroom to wash her face and attend to her needs. A new day was ahead of her.
ooo
"Good morning, my friend," Lucius greeted his friend as he walked into the study room.
"I am not sure I can agree with that," Snape's voice was dark.
"I hope I did not keep you waiting for too long."
There was tension in the air. Both men knew what was ahead of them and they were not looking forward to it. Still, they were determined to carry out their plan, no matter what.
"Is Ginevra awake?" Snape asked.
"Why don't you see for yourself?" Lucius offered, "Take a few minutes. Meanwhile I'll give some food to the Mudblood."
"Agreed."
Snape's expression was serious. The confrontation with Ginevra was not something he was looking forward to.
ooo
Hermione slowly walked out of the bathroom, feeling a bit better after refreshing herself with cold water. She sat onto the bed, then stiffened. She could not point her finger on it, but there was something wrong. She could feel someone looking at her. There was just that strange feeling inside of her. Something that told her that she wasn't completely alone.
"Why are you still here?" she asked quietly, hoping that he was in the room. She would feel stupid if there was no one in the room and she was talking to herself.
"It is my bedroom," a cold voice cut through the silence after a few seconds, "Why should I explain anything to you?"
"I thought you left."
Steps. She could hear steps towards her. Immediately she tensed, her throat closing up. He was approaching her. When she felt his presence next to her and his touch on her lap, her hand flew to his in an attempt to brush it away. But the fear she felt made her act more violent as she smacked his hand away from her aggressively, sending something in his hand flying across the room in the process. Hermione flinched as it smashed against the wall. It all happened in less than a second. Her body trembled as she listened how Lucius' breathing went from calm to angry.
"Why the hell was that necessary, Mudblood?" he demanded, "That was your breakfast that you just threw away."
Hermione's stomach complained loudly at the mention of food. She could not remember the last time she ate. She had lost a lot of weight while being held at the Manor. She noticed that when she had a chance to look at herself in the mirror, but most of all, she felt the strength slipping away from her.
"I-I'm sorry," she forced out, trying to calm herself.
It did not help that Lucius was standing in front of her, almost touching her. All she wanted was to crawl away from him, but at the same time she could not move.
"You should be sorry," he growled at her, "Someone like you should cherish every meal you get. You never knew if it is your last one."
"I didn't mean to-" Hermione started, "I just…."
She did not know what to do to not anger him further. She really was hungry and she needed to eat. Another day without food might be too much for her.
"Why did you finch away from me?" Lucius asked, forcing his voice to sound less angry.
Hermione could not believe what he was asking. Was he playing with her again? Was it possible he pushed that event from a few days ago completely out of his mind?
"Answer me," he demanded firmly.
"I can't stand it," she admitted quietly, hating him for making her talk about it.
"Can't stand what?"
Hermione took a deep breath and than finally said:"Your touch. It burns my skin."
Lucius remained silent for a few long moments. The only sound coming from him was his slow breathing. Hermione had a feeling he was deep in his thoughts and she wanted to know what he was thinking about. If only she could see his face.
With a annoyed sigh, Lucius sat down on the bed, next to Hermione, who could not believe what he was doing. Why was he-?
"Give me your hand," he ordered to her, coldly.
Panic shot through Hermione and she refused to do what he said. She hoped he would go away if she ignored him.
"Do as you are told, girl," he said to her and the tone of his voice proved her that she would not be able to escape from him.
Shaking, she extended her hand towards him, holding her breath as she did so. She half expected him to burn her hand, but somehow she knew he was not going to hurt her. Whatever he was doing or going to do, it was just to prove something.
Hermione forced herself to stay calm on the outside when she felt Lucius' hand finally touch hers. It was a light touch, but it still made her uncomfortable. Her heart was beating uncontrollably fast, but Hermione kept a calm face. At least she tried to.
But when Lucius' hand took hers in his own, she draw in a sharp breath. She noticed how warm his hand was. She still remembered the times when she thought that he should be cold on the outside as he was on the inside. But he was not. His body was warm and Hermione could not help but to relax into the warmth. She also noticed how cold her hand was in comparison to his. It was weird, because she expected it to be the other way around.
"I can feel electricity through your hand," Lucius commented, "Try to calm down."
"That's easy to say," Hermione let out before she could stop herself.
"Why are you afraid?" he asked as if he was surprised.
What did he think she would feel after being attacked by him in such a manner?
"Have you forgotten?" Hermione dared to ask. She did not have to say the words, because he knew what she was talking about.
He waited for a few seconds before speaking. His voice was hard:"Of course not. I am not a man who forgets such things that easily."
"Than how can you ask me why am I afraid?"
Hermione could feel him run his finger over her hand and it shocked her that she felt somehow comforted by that action. What was wrong with her?
He was being gentle, but it was all just an act. It had to be. Why would Lucius Malfoy be gentle with her? He was just playing with her again, testing her, waiting for her reaction.
"I am not going to hurt you," he said to her, "Do you believe me?"
Hermione could feel her lower lip tremble and her voice shook as she answered:"I wish I could. But-"
"You don't," Lucius finished for her.
Suddenly his other hand started to move up her arm, slowly and barely touching her skin until it reached her neck. Hermione literally could not breath as his hand waited there. She could hear her heart beating in her head and she was positive Lucius could feel it too.
There were so many things running through her mind. She did not know what she would do if his hand moved down to other parts of her body.
Thankfully he removed his hands from her and Hermione was able to breath again. She pressed her hands against her body and it surprised her that she could still feel Lucius' warmth on her skin.
"See?" he asked calmly, "Nothing happened."
Hermione felt exhausted. It was as if that little experiment took all her energy from her. Now all she wanted was to be left alone.
"Why are you doing all of this?" she asked weakly.
"Because I want to prove something to you," he said drawled, "When I say you have nothing to fear, than you have nothing to fear."
After a moment he continued, his voice darker:"Believe me, you will know when you need to be afraid."
His words did not comfort her. She could not believe him. What if he lost control again? Just like he did the last time? It was possible for him to turn into a monster with no control over his behaviour.
Lucius stood up and spoke with a cold voice:"Besides, you do not have to worry anymore. I am not planning on using your body ever again in the future."
Hermione's mouth opened with shock. At first she was not sure she heard him right.
"W-Why?" she managed to ask, even though she did not want to hear the answer. All she wanted was to believe him.
"I have my reasons."
He said nothing more and suddenly Hermione understood. His whore. The other woman. He could now satisfy his needs elsewhere and did not need her anymore. It was to be expected that he would prefer an experienced woman who he respected and who knew what she was doing over a young, dirty Mudblood who had no experience in such things? But…he had called her pure once. She would never forget that moment. The way the word slipped out of his mouth. He truly thought she was pure. But now that did not matter anymore. He had other woman and he simply did not need her anymore. At least in that way.
But something was not right. Hermione could not explain to herself why she felt dead inside. Lucius said he would not touch her anymore and that was supposed to be something good. Something she wished for ever since she first gave herself to him. But why was she not glad? Why was that burning feeling inside of her? Did she want Lucius?
Oh God.
There were too many things in her head. Too many thoughts and Hermione was completely lost. She could not recognize the feelings inside of her and with each passing day she was more and more confused. What did she feel towards Lucius?
"Why that face, girl?" Lucius asked with interest, "One would assume you are disappointed."
Hermione quickly shook her head:"No! I-I'm just…confused."
"Well, you have the whole day to think and sort your problems," he informed her as he made his way towards the door.
"Wait!" Hermione called after him.
Lucius stopped and waited for her to speak, not saying a word.
"What about-" she searched for words, "I'm…hungry."
"Well, you threw your breakfast into the wall," Lucius spoke with a smirk, "Deal with the consequences."
"Please. I'm really hungry," she tried again.
"When was the last time you ate?"
"I-I don't remember," she shook her head slightly.
Lucius took an angry breath through his nose and he finally spoke after a few long moments:"I will have Pippy clean the mess you made and bring you another meal," he said, "But do not get used to second chances."
"Thank you," she said quietly, noticing how he did not say anything about her thanking him. He always felt the need to remind her that he did not do it for her and that she should not thank him. But this time he said nothing.
When she heard him open the doors, she could not help but ask a question that was on her mind the whole night.
"Is something important going to happen today?"
He did not answer her immediately, which was a reason for concern.
"Nothing you should worry yourself with," he said with a smirk, but it was somehow lacking of something. It was a false smirk.
"Lucius…." Hermione started, than added with stronger voice:"Should I be afraid?"
She could swear she heard him open his mouth to answer her, but he changed his mind and left the room without a word.
And with that he answered her question. The realization sent a horrible shiver down Hermione's spine.
ooo
Severus Snape took a deep breath before entering the guest room, where Ginny Weasley was recovering.
The witch's eyes landed on him in a second. It did not surprise him, because he knew she would not be sleeping.
He stood in front of the bed uncomfortably, thinking about his next words. He had hoped she would say something, but she did not say a word. After a moment she removed her eyes from him and fixed her glare somewhere in the distance.
Snape could not help but notice how vulnerable she looked and how she managed to awoke protectiveness in him. Her face was pale, her hair flat and without life. But her eyes were the thing that got to him the most. They were completely dead. No life could be seen inside of them.
"The next time you wish to do something like that, just say the words," Snape spoke icily, "And I will give you a potion."
Ginny's eyes connected with his as she considered his words, not sure if he was serious.
"There are less….bloody ways to end your life, Ginevra," Snape said to her.
"I don't care how it ends," Ginny finally spoke, her voice hoarse, "I don't need an elegant and classy death."
Snape raised his eyebrow:"Then what is it that you want?"
Again she broke the eye connection with him, remaining silent. She did not know what she wanted. Everything was complicated and confusing.
"Why?" he asked, letting out a sigh, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"
"Why do you care?" Ginny barked at him.
"Watch your tone," he reminded in his usual cold tone, "I am no longer your Professor, but I am older than you and you will speak to me with respect."
Ginny sent him a cold look, but said nothing. Snape could see that she had no energy to fight with him and that concerned him more than he would like.
"You will never try something like this again," Snape said to her, his voice calm but ordering.
That seemed to anger Ginny, as she looked at him, her eyebrows raised slightly:"Oh, really? How can you be so sure?"
"I will put anti-suicide spell on you, you will be under my eye all the time," he explained.
That awoke anger inside of her. She did not like to be ordered around by someone, especially someone she hated. "Why do you care so much?" she almost screamed at him.
"Because you are throwing your life away!" Snape raised his voice.
"It is my life!" she shot back at him, "It's not even a life anymore! I have no freedom, no goals, nothing."
"Time changes everything," Snape said to her, quietly.
That seemed to get Ginny's attention:"What do you mean by that?"
"Soon you will see."
Ginny just shook her head, not believing or caring about his words. Than she realized something.
"Why are you here?" she asked suspiciously, "I thought you left for a few days."
Snape took a deep breath, than met her questioning eyes.
"I lied. "
"Than why-"
"I brought you here because I think it would be unsafe for you to be at my Manor," Snape explained slowly, his voice low.
"Unsafe? Why? What is happening?" Ginny demanded, alarmed.
"You will get your answers soon. Maybe even tonight."
He turned and walked to the doors, stopped by Ginny's question.
"Where are you going?"
"I cannot tell you," he answered without even looking at her.
"Take me away from here," she whispered, "Please."
Snape turned around, a surprised expression on his face. He could hear desperate plea in her voice and he could not help but wonder what made her act that way.
"I can't stay here anymore," she said again.
"You will have to. This is the safest place for you at the moment," Snape explained to her, his voice surprisingly soft.
"I don't think I can sink any lower," Ginny let out a cold chuckle, "I am at the Malfoy Manor, the man who had killed my family, saved my life and my friend is head-over-heels for him."
It surprised her that Snape did not seem surprised by her words. Every normal person would be. Unless...
She gritted her teeth together in anger:"Did you know about….it?"
Snape raised an eyebrow in interest:"It?"
"About Hermione and…Malfoy," Ginny's voice was filled with disgust.
Snape remained silent, but Ginny had a strange feeling he was hiding something from her. It was just something in his expression.
"What do you know?" she demanded.
"It is not my place to talk about it," Snape answered emotionless.
"But you do know something! Everyone knew about it, except me!" Ginny screamed with anger.
"There is nothing to know."
"Don't play games with me. Not now," she warned him, "What do you know?"
Snape took a deep breath, than nodded:"Alright. I will tell something to you, which I expect you to try to understand."
When Ginny said nothing, he continued. He used his teaching voice as spoke:"A captured person might develop some kind of affection towards their captor."
Disbelief was evident on Ginny's face as she listened, but she did not interrupt.
"It is a psychological phenomenon," Snape explained, "Hostages view the captor as giving life by simply not taking it."
"Who would want to…have positive feelings towards their captor?" Ginny could not believe what she was hearing.
"Granger has endured complete isolation for the last few months. The only perspective she has is Lucius'. She is completely dependant on him."
Ginny shook her head:"But Hermione…It's more than than. You should hear her. The way she talked about him…"
"She most likely concentrated on his good side to protect herself, to convince herself that things are not that awful," Snape's tone was calm in contrast to Ginny's.
"But why hasn't that happened to me?" she asked, looking directly into Snape's eyes.
"Because you have not experienced what she has. In comparison to Granger, your life after the war had not been that awful."
Anger flashed in Ginny's eyes:"What do you know?"
"Believe me," he smirked, "I do know. If you think you have suffered, you truly are ignorant."
That seemed to affect her, because she said nothing.
"You will remain here for the day," Snape informed her, than opened the doors.
"What if it isn't forced by circumstances?" Ginny asked, "What if she really…feels something?"
"Than that is her decision and you have no right to judge her, Ginevra," Snape said to her and than left the room, leaving Ginny speechless and confused.
ooo
The day was passing unbelievably slowly. Hermione did not know what to do with herself. The nerves were killing her. It was the most horrible feeling, knowing that something bad was happening and not being able to do anything. And in Hermione's case was even harder, because she did not know what was happening. All she had was her sixth sense and Lucius' words.
When the elf came to clean up the mess she made and bring her another breakfast, she tried to get information from it, but the elf was ordered to not speak to her.
It was frustrating, because that was all that was on Hermione's mind. She had nothing else to think about, she had nothing to do, she couldn't even sleep.
His touch.
She could still feel his hand on hers, the warmth from it, the soft sensation he caused inside or her. It did not mean that she forgot what he did to her, but she could not help but feel comforted by his touch. She desperately needed someone, even if it was her enemy.
How she hated not knowing what was happening outside. What day it was? What date it was? Did anything change in the outside world? She could still clearly see the Diagon Alley in her mind, completely destroyed and dead. What were people doing? Were they living their life as nothing happened? Was that even possible? What was Voldemort planning next? Was her- the Muggle world attacked as well?
Her throat closed up with the thought of Death Eaters taking over the rest of the World. Her parents, her Muggle friends. She could not deal with that as well. If that were to happen….If something happened to her parents, it would push her over the edge. She was positive she would do the same thing as Ginny, but she would make sure that no one would save her.
Ginny.
Was she in the next room? Or maybe she was taken back to Snape's Manor? How was she?
Hermione did not want to think about her, because she couldn't stand the feeling of guilt. It was all her fault. She turned Ginny from a young, energetic girl into a suicidal wreck. Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut? Snape was right. She really was incapable of staying quiet.
Hours passed and Hermione was becoming more and more nervous. It did not help that her eyes hurt. Every once and a while she could see bright white light in front of her, but she paid no attention to that. It was not like it was a first time.
But than it happened.
Hermione was sitting on the bed, rubbing her eyes to relieve the ache that she felt. But when she opened her eyes, she was not faced with what she expected. She literally did not move or breath for a few seconds. There was no darkness, as she expected. She could see. It was blurry, but still.
Panic. Pure panic overtook her. She closed her eyes and hoped she only imagined it. She was begging for darkness, because she knew exactly what happened if her sight had returned. It happened when Philix died. Did Lucius-?
No. Oh, God, no.
Tears swelled in her eyes, but she refused to open them. She did not dare. It couldn't be true. He couldn't be…dead. How? Why?
Her hands were shaking as she reached up to her face, to brush away the tears. She did not move for a few long moments afraid to face the truth. But than she gathered her courage and opened her eyes.
A desperate cry escaped her lips as she was once again faced with the image of the bedroom. She collapsed onto the floor, her nails clawing at her face, her head, pulling out her hair. The pain she felt could not be described in words. The grief, the sadness, the fear, the shock.
She could not believe what happened. She could not understand it. How was it possible? She spoke to him in the morning and now he was…gone. Something happened to him, otherwise her sight would not be returned. What was going to happen to her now?
Than denial came.
Her mind was looking for excuses why she could see again. He was not dead. He could not be. It just was not possible. What had been the point in learning to live with him, forming a connection with him if it all just ended now?
The loss was too much. She had lost too many things in the last few months.
First it was her freedom and that was the easiest to accept. Then she lost her pride and dignity. Lucius took all that away from her, forcing her to do things she never thought she would do, such as calling herself a Mudblood. Than she lost her innocence. She gave it to Lucius in exchange for life. She lost her friends because of him. She was all alone. She had no one, except him. And now he was gone as well. She could not take it. It was simply too much. She would not accept it. He was not gone. She could not lose him as well.
After that there was numbness. She just sat there, hugging her knees and looking at the wall, her mind completely blank. It had to be hours since her sight returned, but she did not move.
A simple realization came to her.
Without Lucius she could not exist in this world.
A/N: Just two more chapters! Thanks for all the reviews and the support, guys. I really hope the end will not dissapoint you. I think It won't. :) I found a song that describes this story and H/L relationship. It's 'Haunted' by Evanescence. I am thinking about making a music video about this story and posting it on Youtube. Well, you will be informed about everything. :) Tell me what you think.